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Beetle Bailey, 11/19/12

I am super excited about being back in the saddle for Thanksgiving Week! What was once a celebration of getting through the year without starving to death has become another opportunity for America to indulge its bottomless appetites, so what better way to get psyched for it than to contemplate Sarge’s insatiable needs, for food, for love for … something. Attracted by the odor of the garbage that’s all over Beetle’s clothing, he waltzes into the kitchen in a fugue state, his eyes closed, his arms ready to hug, or maybe wrap around his prey and hold it down so it can be consumed.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/19/12

Sadder, unsurprisingly, is Funky Winkerbean’s annual Turkey Sale. There used to be a certain manic joy to the Westview band’s attempt to stave off bankruptcy by selling possibly non-USDA-inspected turkeys to unsuspecting saps door-to-door. A cartoonist who starts off writing strips when he’s young generally has young viewpoint characters; if he’s lucky enough to have a job for decades, of course, the viewpoint characters get old and the new young people who get introduced into the cast are feckless morons. And so the current generation of turkey salesmanship is represented by Peruvian Hat Boy here, who wanders dumbly from door to door, mumbling out half-hearted pitches memorized by rote like those dead-eyed children you see on the subway selling boxes of M&M for “school.” I suppose it’s possible that he just had his will to live crushed out of him by endless lectures about the importance of sequential art.

B.C., 11/19/12

Even grimmer is today’s B.C. Ha ha, this turkey has scavenged through the garbage to find the severed leg of one of its kin, and has now crudely attached the dismembered limb to his own chest in order to convince the world that he’s a genetic abomination, because he’s terrified of being killed and eaten!

Archie, 11/19/12

In non-horror news, Miss Grundy is sad that her students don’t know who Savonarola is, which might be more troubling if she were teaching a class about, say, the history of Renaissance Italy in general, or maybe precursors to the Reformation? Because while Savonarola is the subject of a moderately famous painting by Fra Bartolomeo, he was more of a political-religious figure than anything to do with art. On the other hand, kudos to The Savannah Roller, who’s definitely selected one of roller derby’s more obscure pun-names.

Heathcliff, 11/19/12

Heathcliff and his girlfriend, who enjoy elaborate role-play, have hired a bored pizza delivery man to “deliver” Heathcliff, for sex. You can tell the pun fills him with contempt, but work is work.

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Hello everybody! I’m back, with a slightly delayed COTW and a huge thanks to everyone who gave during the fundraiser, and a huge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for filling in for me last week! Everyone will be getting individual thank-yous shortly. Meanwhile, I am prepared to take you into maw of the holiday season, comics wise, staring with the past week’s top comment:

“‘Tell you where the trout holes are’ has to be one of the most revolting euphemisms for sex that I’ve ever heard. And I attended junior high in southern Indiana.” –cheech wizard

And the runners up, very funny!

Mark Trail: “This latest remake of The Prisoner seems to completely miss the point of the original show.” –fluffy

“What a plot development — Mark becomes a bigamist and never sleeps with either wife.” –Maltmasher

Mary Worth: “I’m not sure those are soda bottles. In Panel 2, Jim is using his to show Dawn that if they can’t be more than friends, he will be her enema.” –Alfred E. Neuman

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Nobody beats me in the obscenely perky tits department, see? Nobody!” –tb4000

Mary Worth: “Jim brings the phrase ‘being a douche’ to horrifying new levels of literalism.” –No Stupid Bear

Mary Worth: “That’s it. Next time a girl turns me down for a date, I’m going to make a scene and shout ‘It’s because I’m missing an arm, isn’t it?’ PS. I am not actually missing an arm.” –btow

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Considering that June is the only one in the room who is NOT a stripper, why is she the only one dressed like a stripper?” –Here come the Judge

“HALLELUJAH, SOMEBODY IS FINALLY HITTING LES. THERE IS A GOD!” –commodorejohn

“Would nuns living with Rex Morgan for a year really count as cloistered? Haha, of course they would. Had you going, didn’t I?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

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Prince Valiant, 11/18/12

OK, so when his cultured wife Lady Winnifred died, Lord Grunyard fell apart, leaving Lockbramble’s lush but chilly northern lands in the hands of greedy, archery-obsessed overseer Roger Runetyne, who impoverished them in a vain attempt to grow tea, which he figured Britons might like. Moral: marketing insight is no substitute for operational capability!

Ace archer rebel Rhoda Red Hood plans to enter and win Lockbramble’s archery tournament in disguise, humiliating Runetyne so the rebels can reinstall Grunyard as their puppet ruler. One of those Hunger Games-y “win the contest and save the land” plots.

And oh yeah Val and Gawain wander in, get caught and released by the rebels, and allay Runetyne’s fears that the royals are onto him by showing up at the castle plastered.

But mainly, after this week in Rex Morgan, M.D., I figured you’d just want to stare at that first panel for a little while.

Phantom, 11/18/12

While the daily Phantom putters along playing Who’s Got the Lion?, the Sundays loop back to the year-and-a-half-long Diana’s Rescue story, in which gun-totin’, pirate-hatin’, Phantom-lovin’ Captain Savarna played a prominent role.

Once the Phantom finds that skeleton in the final panel, he’ll search for proof it’s Savarna’s: the purple notebook she always carried, filled with her 785 practice signatures — Mrs. Savarna Phantom Walker* in loopy schoolgirl script, with little hearts above all the i's and j's.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/18/12

Hey, let’s look in on the happy couple!

With his daughter off at college, Les married Cayla as a replacement foil for his execrable pun-like utterances. But Cayla is a take-charge ex-baseballer who doesn’t mind taking down a rival, or a mere annoyance like her new husband. And she is so done with his Lisa shit. Three strikes and you’re out, buddy.

That’s it for me: Josh will be back later today with Comments of the Week, and regular posts starting Monday. Thanks for a fun week!

–Uncle Lumpy