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Heathcliff, 3/31/13

I cannot tell you how happy the single word “greenies” (well, OK, I guess the single word “greenies,” repeated) made me today. Not that I’m any great fan of amphetamines (for that is what the term refers to, in a baseball context), but I’m a particularly great non-fan of sports moralizing that boils down to “Everything today is so corrupt and soiled because of long hair and the rap music! Why can’t we go back to the noble, upright athletic heroes I had has a child?” Speed has been pretty prevalent in baseball since the 1940s, meaning that the vast majority of baseball fans today have never seen a greenie-less game! And pep pills actually help enhance performance, unlike, say, deer antler extract. In other words, I salute Heathcliff for reminding us that, as far back as history records, we have lived in a fallen world.

Crock, 3/31/13

So … I’m assuming there’s, like, a handyman who endorses things on TV by saying he’s a handyman? Like Schmeese does in the throwaway panels here? Damn it, I hate being made to feel like I’m missing some pop cultural reference, and being made to feel like I’m missing some pop cultural reference by Crock is particularly humiliating.

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Judge Parker, 3/30/13

Judge Parker storylines are generally months long and unpredictably aimless, but I have to say that I’m surprised at how quickly “Judge Parker Junior’s elopement doesn’t go as planned” has morphed into “Judge Parker Senior is looking for a way out of his loveless second marriage.”

Blondie, 3/30/31

On a possibly related note, the Bumsteads are pretty much done with each other sexually, as are the Woodleys.

Mark Trail, 3/30/31

Later: “Mark, did you have a chance to get rid of Rusty forever and screw it up? I do not like hearing about this!”

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Your final reminder that if you’re in or near Baltimore you can see me reading from my novel-in-progress, tonight! I was doing a few tweaks to the chapter I’m reading and added a judicious swear word or two. If that won’t woo you, what will?

Anyway, no matter where you are, you can enjoy this week’s top comment:

“While tied up in the van all Rusty can think is that this is the best fishing trip he’s ever been on with Mark.” –Liam

And the runners up! Very funny!

“By the way, Spidey, seems like your webbing is getting kind of tangled there. Of course, I don’t need webbing to fly between buildings. Nope, just me and my senses. Did I mention that I don’t need vision, either? Oh, you knew that. Well, let’s just switch over to our civilian lives and see who’s better at catching crooks. Oh, right, still me.” –BigTed

“‘Matt Murdock? BUT THAT’S YOUR CIVILIAN ID!’ bellows the Amazing Spider-man, apparently deciding that the only way he’s going to be allowed to go back to watching tv on the couch and failing to catch super villains is if he gets the actually competent superhero murdered.” –bunivasal

“Q: Why did Vincent Van Gogh choose to become a painter? A: TO GET LAID” –Chyron HR

“So, you guys got into your super hero costumes and went jumping around the city, just so you could determine that no superheros were needed, only lawyers? Couldn’t you have just talked about this in a cafe or something? No really I’m serious, Spiderman hasn’t eaten anything in days and I am really worried about him.” –Holly Folly

Judge Parker: “Yeah, we know, ‘Blah, blah, blah, I’m rich, blah, blah.’ When does the train return to Hooterville?” –Erich Clapton

“The spelling ‘skool’ common among ‘free schooling’ and ‘unschooling’ proponents seeking to quickly signal their outsider brand of no-teachers, no-classes, no-homework education (which makes sense when you recall that this particular ant is the only child of a monogamous pair of adult ants who apparently rejected the hive-mind, and not one of thousands of drones born of a single queen and put to work right away). That this particular ‘skool’ in question utilizes retro-desks and pop quizzes means that ironic appreciation is one of the skool’s areas of focus.” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“Rudy the waiter has the sort of creepy facial expression which gives you the sense that it never changes, whether he’s delivering a caesar salad to your table or swinging an axe at your skull.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Woah, Alan! Last of the big spenders! I’ll tell ya what, folks, there’s nothing more exciting than watching two rich guys order lunch.” –Here Comes the Judge

“I love the nonchalance with which Archie approaches the whole science project concept. ‘I performed a study on the mass of the Higgs boson. What did you do?’ ‘Oh, I brought a couple of hamsters. I found them out by the dumpster. Or maybe they are rats. Whatever. I’m going to spend my life working at a gas station anyway.'” –Nekrotzar

“Oops, that’s the Judge in panel three, isn’t it? This may sound racist, but if I can’t see the Reed Richards hair, I can’t really tell smug white dickheads apart.” –Doctor Handsome

“There is no way that commenting on June’s waffle-filled thought balloon will ever get repetitive, not if it keeps being talked about until the heat death of the universe.” –Ratiocinator

“I would like anyone who has ever tried running and/or jumping over a fallen tree while wearing a pair of flippers on their feet to share their story of that experience with us.” –Illustrator Steve

“Hey, remember that scene at the end of E.T. where the alien is sick, and his skin turns that dusty white and his eyes bug out? Just thought I’d bring that up for no reason at all.” –pugfuggly

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