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Spider-Man, 10/11/12

OH MY GOD YES YOU GUYS KRAVEN THE HUNTER!!! Kraven was the villain in the very first Spider-Man plot I covered in this blog. Back then I was charmed by his outfit but eventually enraged by the plotline’s stunning lack of superheroics, which caused me to vent thusly:

When I did my first Spider-Man comic, almost a month ago now, I said, “Presumably the ass-kicking will begin in due time.” Oh, how naive I was! How, bitterly, bitterly wrong I have been proved to be! In that time we’ve had marital spats, a little aimless Web slinging, a press conference to announce the opening of new theme restaurant, and the firing of an incompetent waiter.

Haha, little did I know at the time that this represented more or less the most excitement the Spider-Man strip would ever offer. Now that I’m more in tune with the true nature of this strip, I’m really looking forward to Kraven’s wacky, camptastic antics.

Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, 10/11/12

Never let it be said that the Funkyverse strips can’t cut loose and have some fun now and then! My only complaint about today’s Funky Winkerbean is that the colorists have once again failed to pick up on obvious textual cues, because I’d really like to see Les go chalk white in terror — proof that, despite the smug facade he presents as a defense against relentless tragedy, life still has the capacity to scare him to death. Crankshaft, meanwhile, is confronting the most depressing notion that modern science can muster — that the universe will end not with a bang or a cataclysm, but rather with a slow fading out to emptiness, with no life and no light. It’s almost a relief that Crankshaft greets this prospect with the exact same attitude of semi-informed grievance that he has about everything else.

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Ziggy, 10/10/12

Ziggy’s doctor is, in his own painfully awkward way, trying to tell Ziggy that he’s contracted a venereal disease due his extravagant promiscuity.

Mark Trail, 10/10/12

Oh, Mark, always so thoughtful, giving your full attention to all the members of your family during your brief visits home! Yesterday you made sure to shove it in Rusty’s face that you’ll be going fishing with someone else; today you let Cherry know that, while you feel vaguely bad about neglecting her, it’s just what you do, one of your little hobbies, and frankly it’s going to keep on happening forever, so she’d better get used to it.

Marmaduke, 10/10/12

“By the way, did you know the skull is a kind of bone? A juicy, delicious bone? Did you know that the thin layer of muscle and skin on the outside of a skull can be stripped off with frightening speed?”

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Judge Parker, 10/9/12

My goodness, I have been incredibly remiss in keeping you up to date on Judge Parker! Mostly because it’s been kind if enh. Quick summary of the last six weeks: after briefly skunking our boys out of their cabin, our nefarious marijuana farmers stole Avery’s camera, because it has pictures of marijuana, but also pictures of a fish that Avery thinks are more precious than life itself. We also learned that Bea is financially solvent only because she’s being paid off by Bubba and his growers; Sam expressed thin-lipped disapproval. And now Avery has gone off to demand his camera back from Bubba, which is bad for him, because he’s probably going to be beaten to death with a chain, but great for us, because it has led to the third panel of this comic, which is probably the greatest thing you will see today and maybe even this year. The overalls! The beard! The chain! The beads of sweat and/or boils, can’t really tell what those things on his face are supposed to be! Papa to Adam … bring in the slicker! BRING IN THE SLICKER!

Mark Trail, 10/9/12

Usually battling overalled rustics is more Mark Trail’s cup of tea, and maybe we’ll get to that later, but right now Mark has come home just long enough to pull out Rusty’s heart and stomp on it. Haha, Rusty, we know that your loneliness and feelings of abandonment — symbolized my Mark’s repeatedly broken promise to take you on a fishing trip — have left you with zero self-esteem and led you to reckless behavior, like trying to get photographs of dangerous sheep-killers. So how will you react when Mark once again bails on your trip — this time to go on a fishing trip with someone else? “It’s sort of a business and pleasure trip … but mostly pleasure. The pleasure comes from not seeing Rusty!”

If the main character in any other strip said he wanted to “get some good pictures of bonefish,” you know I’d be all over it, giggling like a 12-year-old. But this is Mark Trail talking, so let’s show some respect! (By “respect” I mean respect for whatever terrible neurological or psychological disorder leaves Mark unable to experience or even understand erotic feelings of any kind.)