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Spider-Man, 5/31/12

So I’ve done some extensive research (i.e., 90 seconds or so of cursory Googling) and I can’t find any evidence of “Clown-9” appearing in any iteration of the Spider-Man mythos before this! I’m sure that I’m about to be severely corrected by angry comic book nerds mere seconds from now, but for the moment I’m going to choose to believe that Newspaper Spider-Man has finally risen high enough in Marvel’s pecking order that it’s being allowed to introduce its own super-villains. Naturally its first attempt is Clown-9, an unfunny man with no particular superpowers dressed in an ugly clown outfit, choosing a villain-name based on a feeble stab at wordplay, determined to exact revenge on those who thwarted his attempt at Broadway stardom. Panel one, in which we see this pathetic figure in his underwear as he changes pants, is presumably this feature’s attempt at the “gritty realism” it’s heard so much about.

Gasoline Alley, 5/31/12

Are you looking for a metaphor that’s supposed to indicate something good and yet will fill anyone who hears it with revulsion and disgust? How about “happy as a kitty with a mouth full of mouse meat”? Mmm mmm, mouse meat! Mouse meat in your mouth. So much mouse meat in your mouth that your mouth is full … full of mouse meat. Enjoy!

Marmaduke, 5/31/12

Marmaduke’s owners believe that, if only they violate all human laws to help him satisfy his foul sexual appetites, he will spare them when the Day of Wrath comes. How wrong they are!

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You guys, I am very disappointed at the paucity of entries for the Hilariously Overwrought Rex and June Facial Expression Lookalike Contest! It’s possible that the Saturday of a holiday weekend isn’t the best possible time to post such a contest, but heck, I can’t control when Rex Morgan puts up its most hilarious panels. Anyway, assuming that you were all too busy grilling to get swept up in Overwrought Facial Expression theater, here’s a quick recap: imitate this panel (Rex and June at minimum, add Iris and Mabel if you want to up the degree of difficulty) and win eternal glory AND one item of your choice from the CafePress store.

While most of you have misplaced priorities and spent the weekend “spending time with your family” or “honoring those who died in America’s wars” instead of dressing up like cartoon characters and making funny faces, we did get a few entries. First up are the husband-and-wife team of faithful readers Nate and Hani. Nate is really pushing the envelope in terms of facial expression safety, and I like it! They also used advanced technology to actually insert themselves into a cartoon world.

Faithful readers Dr. Jeff Corey and Lucy Van Pelt (not their actual names) also used Photoshoppery to add to the verisimilitude of their entry, or at least I hope they did, because otherwise they’ve either crashed someone’s funeral or ruined a funeral service for one of their own loved ones:

Faithful reader Mibbitmaker swapped in characters from his Pop Culture Kids comic, who are imagining being someone else pretending to be someone else … well, it made my head hurt just a little.

And, finally, faithful reader Ricky Lee provides the three-way soap opera crossover I’ve always dreamed of:

So there’s your competition. CAN YOU DO BETTER?

ALSO, TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE: I know that many of you are, like me, fans of Richard Thompson’s strip Cul De Sac. You probably know that Thompson has been stricken by Parkinson’s Disease, though he’s continuing with his great work. A bunch of other artists, including many names you’ll know, have banded together as Team Cul De Sac, have created their own takes on the strip’s characters, and are auctioning them off to raise money for Parkinson’s research. Check ’em out!

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Marvin, 5/30/12

At this point in my life I’m pretty deep in the throes of Marvin Derangement Syndrome, so I don’t really ever expect to find satisfaction in this feature’s panels. But I have to admit that I feel a certain amount of validation in knowing that even the other characters in the strip are disgusted at the thought of looking at more images of Marvin.

Ballard Street, 5/30/12

Ballard Street is a generally amusing one-paneler that depicts a mostly interchangeable cast of characters engaging in insane and inscrutable activities, so I usually leave it alone, but I thought that today’s installment, in which the punchline basically boils down to “Chip got drunk and passed out on the couch,” was worthy of your attention.

Six Chix, 5/30/12

I was going to huff that a plant needs the energy it derives from sunlight via photosynthesis in order to engage in the metabolic processes that this woman is demanding, but then I just decided to respect this panel for what it is: the melancholy tale of a person who feels so powerless in her everyday life that she comes home and bullies her plants.

Pluggers, 5/30/12

A plugger’s life is an awful charnel house in which everyone around them is dead or dying.