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Pluggers, 11/19/11

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty relieved that there is a separate, distinct “Pluggerville,” because that means that my chances of actually encountering one of these freakish manimals is slim to none. Whichever band of government scientists created the monstrous, unnatural Plugger race wisely decided to exile them to a single city, which is hopefully surrounded by barbed wire, or perhaps placed on an inaccessible island somewhere, the surrounding waters patrolled by Navy gunboats. Thankfully the wretched beasts are entertaining themselves with pie-baking contests and such, rather than organizing into a fearful human-animal hybrid army bent on revenging themselves on the real monsters, the ones who created them in violation of all morals and decency, i.e., us.

Judge Parker, 11/19/11

SOPHIE-UNIT’S ALGORITHM OF EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT IS NOT ADVANCED ENOUGH TO ANALYZE “COMPLEXITY!” DOES DEREK-UNIT LOVE HONEY-UNIT OR NOT? Y/N/RETRY/ABORT? RETURN LATER FOR GUITAR LESSONS AND AN IMPROVED SOFTWARE PACKAGE FOR EMOTIONAL MODELING! RECOMPILING … RECOMPILING … STAND BY …

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COTW in a moment, but, first, you may have missed the unleashing of my social media strategery earlier this week? Get the details here or click on the name in the blue nav bar along the top edge of the site that corresponds most closely with the dumb Internet thingie that you waste the most time with.

Also, do not forget about the existence of [Citation Needed], the book! This is the greatest collection of bad Wikipedia writing ever curated and value-enhanced by goofy jokes, to the best of my knowledge, so probably you want to buy it. But if you are too proud to do so, you can get it for free, by entering a Shameless Social Media Pimping Contest! Just write up a hilarious fake Wikipedia article for Margo Magee, and post it on my Facebook fan wall or Tweet it at me or do the equivalent for the other two things (sorry Tumblr, I don’t really know how that would work there, but maybe some Tumblrer smarter than me can figure it out?). I will pick my favorite on Monday and they will get a free copy of the book!

Also, do not forget, the Santa vs. Dracula Kickstarter project is still underway! Ed and Melissa, the team behind My Cage, need more pre-orders to make this happen, so go forth and pre-order!

Ahem. And now, your comment of the week!

Mark Trail: “This stuff just writes itself. Seriously, humans were not involved.” –Red Greenback

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I’m impressed that Elrod knows that his modern-day audience will have no idea what bellows do, so Kelly has to tell us; that’s one of the perils of recycling aged plots. But why stop here? Why not have Kelly explain all the outdated elements? ‘My terrifyingly mascaraed eyes mark me as a seductress who will stop at almost nothing to snag a man!’ ‘Because I’m a girl reporter, I must be both intrepid and inept!’ ‘Now, only you snarky, ironic hipsters will appreciate this next part!'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“No! Not Mother McQueen’s goose gold band melting fire heating bellows!” –lorne

“Mary is well prepared for contingencies. Most people have to resort to a hand gesture, whereas Mary brought out an actual piece of paper to beat Toby’s rock.” –Steve

“Christopher Lloyd kept one in a tank in the 2010 remake of Piranha, so if you’re saying that movie wasn’t accurate in every conceivable way, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step outside.” –OMEGA SUPREME

“If this continues, we’ll have Kelly reciting ‘Mark is blinking! This must be for keeping his eyes moisturized!'” –Minarets

“Poor Derek is standing there like, ‘So … You’re Ann Eiffel, and Honey is Toni, right? Does that make me Brad? I don’t want to be Brad.'” –Chyron HR

“I’m sorry Trixie, you have your mom’s smile. Literally. It’s copy/pasted, can’t you tell?” –Yusaku777

“Cayla is actually not too worked up about her daughter losing out on her senior year playing time, as she already has a scholarship offer to Miami (OH). Her expression is due to the fact that she just remembered she is actually engaged to the smug douchebag paying for the pizza.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“It seems a little rough for Summer to be giving Principal Hallman a hard time about his veteran status. Dude has no arms; does it really matter how he lost them?” –matt w

“I hope Kelly decides to put a leash on the bear and get it to lead her to the mine, like Andy led her to the bird bander! She’s not going to remember how that failed, since, after all, she’s here now. It must’ve worked!” –The Ridger

“Since Summer’s entire sports career has met an abrupt end, I’d say she’s contemplating that pizza and considering all the eventual unused calories. ‘So this is where my transformation from promising teen athlete to one of the shambling, bloated zombie-adults of this town begins? Not with a bang, but with an alpine-sauce coated whimper?'” –Snuggs

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Mark Trail, 11/18/11

“We’re going to follow this Watergate business as far as it goes, even if it means putting a bucket-harness on a semi-tame bear in hopes that he’ll lead us to a hidden gold mine” is something I assume Woodward said to Bernstein at least once.

Archie, 11/18/11

Many of us are too young to remember what an culture-shaking sensation Trump: The Art of the Deal was when it was published in 1987; fortunately, this Archie comic from the 1990s gives a little taste of the awe and reverence in which that tome was held, by showing us how shocking it would be for a mere lunch lady to publish her own version.

Hagar the Horrible, 11/18/11

Hagar’s dog has been out until 3 a.m. having sex, hopefully with other dogs.