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Gasoline Alley, 3/24/11

I can’t be bothered to update you on the boring doings in Gasoline Alley — they’ve involved genealogical research and the American Revolutionary War, and I actually find both of those topics interesting, or at least I did until this strip got its hands on them. Apparently, though, the last several weeks have been far too thrilling for this strip’s target 80-and-up demographic, so in order to soothe those folks, we’ve slowed down a bit and now some guy in a suit is telling extremely mild jokes to Clovia. Still, to judge by her shell-shocked expression in the final panel, you’d think he’d been giving her the graphic details of the time he spent in the killing fields of Cambodia. That “LOL” is not some sad attempt at Internet-speak, but rather an incoherent gurgle of horror. Oh, God, the puns! Please, no more puns!

Crankshaft, 3/24/11

Ha ha, look at that knowing glance Crankshaft’s pals are exchanging. After all these years, could this finally be the massive heart attack they’ve been praying for?

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Hey, all before we start today’s comics, I thought I’d do something I don’t usually do: draw your attention to a non-comics blog. Longtime faithful reader and commentor ChattyGenes is an American who’s lived in Japan for many years, and she’s been chronicling the experience there in the wake of the recent earthquake and tsunami on her blog. Very interesting and moving reading on a place that is in all of our thoughts right now!

And now, on to lighter fare:

Gil Thorp, 3/23/11

So the Gil Thorp gay cyber-bullying story is wrapping up (short version: the cyber-bully was Parker, Kayla’s ex-boyfriend, who was mad because Lini told Kayla to break up with him, but then the pious Christian basketball player who actually really likes Lini threatened Parker with physical violence during basketball practice if he didn’t stop) without ever having explicitly said that Lini is gay! Which means that we can have fun imagining what he was really being bullied for. Might I suggest that it was due to his actually quite atrocious taste in clothing? Take today, for instance, where he appears to have come to school dressed in an actual tuxedo! And not the cool kind of tuxedo that modern movie stars might wear to the Oscars, but rather one that might have been worn to a high-school prom, circa 1992, complete with boutonniere. Could the never-revealed hate Website have consisted of pictures of Lini’s latest crimes against sartorial aesthetics, coupled with cruel, Mr. Blackwell-esque commentary? “Hey, everybody, looks like Lini got an after-school job at the blackjack table!”

Still, Lini deserves our sympathy, as he’s managing to stay chipper despite the fact that, as you can see in panel one, his right arm has been lopped off above the elbow. I’m a little curious about whose fingers those are creeping into the frame at the lower left. Maybe they’re Lini’s! “Oh, Lini, we found your arm! If you pack it in ice, it’ll probably keep for a bit, so the school nurse could reattach it during your study hall this afternoon.”

Beetle Bailey, 3/23/11

I know that trying to figure out what’s going on in any given half-assed Beetle Bailey gag is waste of everybody’s time, but God damn it, I just want it to make sense, you know? General Halftrack’s caveman outfit dramatizes budget cutbacks … how, exactly? Is he saying that cost-cutting reduces the Army to primitive weaponry? Is this stone-age toga meant to be the equivalent of the barrel of poverty, and the club just came with the costume? Who even knows? At least I can enjoy the General’s sheepish, plaintive expression — it’s as if he’s realized how stupid and pointless this stunt is, but it’s too late to back out of it now. I dearly hope the strip artist wore the same expression as he put the finishing touches on this.

Luann, 3/23/11

Aw, isn’t that cute! Mrs. Horner thinks Luann has a soul!

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Mark Trail, 3/22/11

As Mark’s sojourn on the Island Of Drug Dealing And Also No Razor Blades continues and his stubble begins to sprout forth from his unwilling cheeks, this strip must, in order to maintain its rigid grooming morality, offer up villains with ever more outrageous facial hair. This handlebar-mustached fellow is hilarious enough, but once Mark is sporting a full-on beard, he’ll no doubt encounter the island’s kingpin, who will resemble a young Chester A. Arthur.

Mary Worth, 3/22/11

You probably read yesterday’s Mary Worth and thought, “Gee, what could be more unsettling than grown woman Dawn Weston lounging around her pretty-princess bedroom and clutching her teddy bear like a little girl?” Well, today you get your answer: Dawn talking about how much she loves her dad while her teddy bear’s eyes suddenly pop open in arousal/terror.

Apartment 3-G, 3/22/11

“Flying in from Colorado?? We both know that no real place has ever been given such an outlandish name! To say nothing of the laughable proposition that a man might fly through the air like a bird.”