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Apartment 3-G, 12/18/10

I fear that, in the wake of the makeover storyline, the breach between writer and artist of Apartment 3-G is now total, and now visuals that are crucial to the storyline are being neglected out of spite. “The first time I saw this building it gave me chills. You know, this building behind us that you can barely see, and what you can see of it is completely ordinary.”

Mary Worth, 12/18/10

“Waiting-at-the-altar Jill Action Figure” just rocketed to the top of my list of Christmas Presents I Really Want Even Though They Sadly Don’t Exist And Never Will. But my favorite person in panel two is the guy sitting in the front row there ostentatiously looking at his watch. The tails and striped pants would seem to indicate that he’s in the wedding party, which makes it all the more hilarious that his body language screams “Is this guy showing up or what? Because, you know, I’ve got places to be…”

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Oh, snap, I’ve got your COTW ready ALREADY!

“Obviously, this is just an excuse to draw Lu Ann into the tawdry world of indie rock, where men have beards and women have bangs, since the only thing to do in Hoboken is visit Yo La Tengo. At least her wardrobe will be hip, ironically.” –js

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Does today’s Gil Thorp seem like the setup to a horror movie to anyone else? Like, Jamaar will die and then come back on prom night covered in tape?” –SamECircle

“‘It’s 52-19, in favor of the Skyhawks, as the Mudlarks continue to struggle with the loss of their star player. Jamaar, what do you think about this development?’ ‘Mr. Moon, if I answer your questions, will you let me down?’ ‘No way, kid, you’re my -hic- best interview in years! Now what do you think about your shots in the playdowns?'” –Black Drazon

“‘I’m more concerned about our guests,’ Adrian says, looking at two people who very clearly have no idea who she is, and wishes she’d stop staring at them.” –Patrick

“In nursing homes around America, today’s Spider-Man was pronounced the pinnacle of comic strip entertainment for the elderly. It will be tough for future competitors in the newspaper comic market to match the sheer joy contained in a strip that contained both a young man being thrashed by a cane and a matron whose relatives actually listen to her.” –NoahSnark

“I like how Dr. Jeff is all, ‘Fuck alcoholics! They have no place at weddings! Seriously, fuck you if you can’t hold your liquor.'” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“Phantom: ‘For those of you who came in late, the Phantom is still gay gay gay!'” –Jack Parsons

“Hi, Les. It’s me, Lisa, calling from beyond the grave to tell you to break down and get a cell phone already.” –Garnet

“I think it’s Lisa Loeb. She wants her glasses back.” –Mr. Goboto

“What’s with those action lines? Did they kiss or just suddenly smack their heads together violently like two dueling giraffes?” –Caroline

“It goes without saying that Mary’s cheerleading is far more annoying than Jill’s ranting. Jill at least has discernible motives — she could be still very bitter from a hard breakup or (more likely in real life but not in this strip) inexplicably in love with Adrian. But Mary just cheerleads insanely at any aspect of heteronormativity, yet won’t marry her own boyfriend or put out and likes to have attractive young female friends … hmm … well, perhaps her motivations are also apparent. I can’t wait until the end of this story arc when everybody in the closet comes out of it. That’s going to happen, right?” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“It was only a matter of time before Mary made the jump from annoying meddler to outright puppet master. In panel 1, you can see her throwing her voice to Scott from around the corner. In panel 2, she has her hand up Scott’s back controlling his every move. Next week she’ll make Scott recite his wedding vows while she drinks a glass of water.” –Thomas B.

“Maybe she’s just ecstatic to be going anywhere that’s across a river from Margo. Can Margo cross rivers? I’m not up on exactly what kind of evil spirit she is.” –commodorejohn

“People, relax. Mary is just practicing, as she’ll be popping out of a giant salmon square later tonight at Scott’s bachelor party.” –Mikey

“Mark used three contractions in the space of three panels! Can sex with Ben Smith be more than moments away?” –Mardou Fox

“How is telling someone they’re ‘good’, perhaps the most vague adjective ever uttered, at fishing exaggerating? Now, if Ben had said ‘Cherry tells me you have mastered even the most basic social skills’, Mark would have good reason to screw up his face, knock his bowl of soup off the table, and make odd mewling cries in the corner.” –Zork The Mighty

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Hagar the Horrible, 12/17/10

There’s something sincerely baffling to me about this strip: the scene itself, with the falling snow and the bureaucrat flanked by axe-wielding thugs, is quite evocative, and yet does not appear to contain a joke or joke-like material of any kind. Is supposed to be “funny” that the tax department has denied Hagar’s request with a mildly jocular retort, and that the taxman is reading this off a sheet of paper? Is the fact that the response contains the phrase “cold day in July” rather than the obviously intended “cold day in hell” part of the joke, or was it imposed by the strip’s editor? Does the frigid winter scene somehow relate to the gag, or does the conceptual overlap merely serve to distract us from the point? What is the point? I sit here staring much like Hagar himself, wide-eyed and baffled.

Mary Worth, 12/17/10

Blah blah blah Jill’s tragic past blah blah blah fiance looks like skinny Wilbur with a bad wig blah blah blah she lashes out because of her emotional wounds blah blah HOLY SMOKES LOOK AT THEM PIES! It seems that Mary has taken Jill to some kind of wonderland where pies just sit out on shelves, ready for the taking. How can she even focus on Jill’s completely predictable tale of woe when there are delicious pies just inches from her head? The smell must be overpowering!

Beetle Bailey and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/17/10

Ha ha, that stock market! It’s sure going up! Or perhaps down? These two strips appear immediately adjacent to one another on my digital comics page, which is kind of unfair to the Snuffy characters. We ought to be impressed that the residents of Hootin’ Holler have finally moved beyond barter to the money economy and are even dimly aware of higher finance; but this achievement is eclipsed by the fact that even Sarge’s dog is well acquainted with modern capitalism.

Family Circus, 12/17/10

Yes, there’s nothing more adorable than a little tyke singing happily about being set ablaze! This one is getting cut out of the paper and put up on pyromaniacs’ refrigerators everywhere.