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Mary Worth, 12/15/10

It’s obviously a delight to see Jill sitting on the curb, idly sucking on a wine bottle and wearing what might be called “fuck-me boots” if they weren’t the same hideous shade of purple as her dress. And it’s all good fun to hear her loudly proclaim that she belongs in the gutter. But still, this strip is tinged in melancholy for me, because it clearly represents the first stage in the de-awesomeing of Jill at Mary’s hands. We already know the answer to the core question here — we know that Jill will have her faith in state-sanctioned heterosexual monogamy forcibly restored, and she’ll also swear off booze forever — and now the only suspense remaining is to see if Mary can meddle her back to righteousness in time for Adrian’s wedding tomorrow. If a smiling, bright-eyed Jill catches the bouquet — and the eye of a handsome groomsman — do not be surprised. Be saddened, but not surprised.

Crankshaft, 12/15/10

Oh, look, the supporting cast of Crankshaft is talking about Crankshaft’s genitals, or his prostate, or possibly his lower GI tract! I’m glad to see that this conversation brings sly smiles to everyone’s face, rather than causing them to die inside as one might expect.

Marmaduke, 12/15/10

Actually, now that Marmaduke has killed and eaten Santa, the holiday season has ended rather abruptly.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/14/10

You might find it hard to believe that Lu Ann is sending out radar waves of pure pleasure at the prospect of a quick trip via PATH train to Hoboken, New Jersey, and may think that that she’s just enjoying the music of the pretty man’s voice without bothering to strain her thinking muscle in an attempt to figure out what his beautiful syllables mean. But remember, this is the girl who practically swallowed her tongue in joy at the prospect of a trip to South Dakota, so clearly she’s easy to please, destination-wise.

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/10

You probably viewed this comic with mild disgust at its content, combined with a certain amount of contempt for its portrayal of bedbugs as large enough to be visible. And of course it’s ludicrous that Sarge would be feeding them cereal, since bedbugs subsist on one and only one thing: blood. Which means that Sarge probably isn’t feeding them cereal at all, and is in fact holding a big bowl of scabs. Oh, did your disgust just get a lot less mild?

Mary Worth, 12/14/10

“You and Scott are meant to be together! You’re right to be sure! And sure to be right! You don’t mind if I hover mere inches away from you and talk to you while you attempt to share an intimate moment at a stressful time, do you? Of course you don’t!”

Zits, 12/14/10

Ha ha, Jeremy’s room smells like a dog pooped in it!

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Zits, 12/13/10

CHAD! For those of you who haven’t, say, read Zits for the strip’s entire 13-year run, or who don’t walk around with trivia about newspaper comic strips in your heads, “Chad” is Jeremy’s college-attending older brother, who hasn’t been mentioned in this strip since, uh, pretty much the entire time I’ve been doing the blog, so, you know, six-plus years. Apparently he stopped writing to or calling his parents and they sort of forgot about him,. I’m sure the strip’s dozens of uberfans are thrilled at Chad’s un-Chuck Cunninghamization, and its millions of casual readers are spending a few seconds blinking in confusion (“Chad? Isn’t his name Jeremy? Isn’t Jeremy in high school?”) before moving on to Marmaduke.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/13/10

A much more unsettling seemingly vanished character makes contact in today’s Funky Winkerbean. So, what do we have here? Is Les having a psychotic break and believes his dead wife is airport-paging him from beyond the grave? Has one of the overeager fans we’ve been seeing on his book tour incomprehensibly fallen in love with him/otherwise gone crazy and decided to assume his dead wife’s identity? Is someone that he’s screwed over on his rise to the top (for certain very limited definitions of “top”) playing a cruel mind game? Is this just some person who happens to be named Lisa who needs to get a hold of him quickly for some reason? The answer, of course, will be determined by which of these scenarios can be made most cruel.

Apartment 3-G, 12/13/10

“Damn it, I could have gotten some money, and all I got was a kiss from a dumb girl! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”