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Jumble, 7/6/11

Wow, this is an unexpectedly grim scenario for the Jumble. What could possibly be the subject of this epic debate between man and cow? I’m guessing it’s “Resolved: It is morally acceptable for humans to eat cows,” which explains why both parties are so angry: this is no mere academic enterprise. Unfortunately, the cows had no chance of winning the debate because everything they said was a series of moos and lowing noises. “You’ll have to speak English if you expect us to respect what you have to say!” jeered the farmers. Then, having declared themselves the winners, they led the cows off to the slaughterhouse.

Wizard of Id, 7/6/11

Since (despite what you might guess) I don’t own an extensive collection of mouldering Wizard of Id paperbacks from the ’60s and ’70s, I have no idea whether the recent trend in the strip for the Wizard to be more cruel and diabolical is a return to the character’s origin or just a what-the-hell-why-not impulse from the creative team, but I can’t say I entirely disapprove of it. Today he lives out every science geek’s fantasy of making those who find his hobby boring into unwilling experimental subjects.

Ziggy, 7/6/11

At last, the truth comes out: Ziggy is a damn dirty communist. I don’t approve of Joseph McCarthy’s methods, but if we could maybe arrange a Congressional hearing at the climax of which Ziggy would be blacklisted, that’d be great.

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Dennis the Menace, 7/5/11

After years of biding his time, Dennis has finally decided to go into environmental menacing. “Once those mountains have been leveled so we can get at the coal underneath them, and the forests have been stripped and replaced by endless cul-de-sacs filled with vulgar homes far too large for their lots, this will be a vista worth looking at, by God.”

Mary Worth, 7/5/11

It turns out the only thing Drew finds more unsettling than a lady claiming to be his girlfriend when she isn’t is any indication that not everyone considers a career in the healing arts to be the pinnacle of human achievement. “You mean … she left her medical job … to pursue a career as some kind of common peddler of trinkets? How gauche!”

Hi and Lois, 7/5/11

As the fireworks of America’s Independence Day holiday fade, it’s up to each of us to ask in seriousness: What does freedom mean? To Trixie, clearly freedom denotes the ability to void one’s bladder or bowels without having to worry about minutes or hours spent sitting in a soiled diaper. Babies are disgusting, in other words.

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Slylock Fox, 7/4/11

Maybe our neighborhood spawns unusually well-behaved and/or athletically skilled children, but I’ve never actually had to deal with this stereotypical scenario. Still, I’d like to think that if I did, I wouldn’t be so focused on figuring out which specific child damaged my property. I mean, surely if a foursome of young athletes were engaging in sporting pastimes dangerously close to breakable parts of my home, shouldn’t they all be considered more or less equally culpable for the resulting damage, rather than blame settling solely on the last person to touch the ball before it went on its rampage? In fact, the art in this strip reinforces this view, with the dog, bear, and bird all staring forward with looks of guilt-ridden anxiety. Only the rabbit, with his dull, heavy-lidded expression, seems impervious to feelings of self-blame over the incident; indeed, he may be far too stoned to realize what all the fuss is about.

Mary Worth, 7/4/11

I’m not saying that Mary Worth is a murderer; I’m just saying that, if Mary Worth were to kill one of your enemies and subtly try to let you know a week later that you were now forever in her debt, this is pretty much how that conversation would go.