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Mark Trail, 9/29/10

Not for the first time, I’m completely flummoxed by the moral and legal universe that Mark Trail inhabits. We’ve had plenty of wholly understandable righteous indignation about Future Governor Frank’s semi-caged hunting of semi-wild animals scheme, but no mention of any actual laws that it might break. What, then, does Mark hope to achieve with his telescopic-lens photos? Career-wrecking shame? But Frank seems to believe that this hunt will improve his popularity, not harm it. But maybe we’re meant to believe that honest ordinary voters would be repulsed by caged hunts, and only the twisted, effete elites would take joy in this vile pastime. Perhaps Mark wants to reveal Frank in the midst of clubby scenes like panel one, with its “gentlemen, let’s toast to evil!” vibe, and destroy the common-man cred that we haven’t seen him doing any kind of work to build up. Today, however, we become privy to immorality within immorality, with the already farcical hunt’s outcome being fixed in advance to curry favor with some influential lawmaker. Where does the rabbit hole of depravity end?

I’m pretty numb to bizarre Elrod-ball placement at this point, but I do find panel two particularly charming. Ol’ Joe isn’t too bright, apparently, as he needs to be reminded that he is in fact Frank’s ranch foreman. Frank carefully outlines the details of his scheme, but Joe can only look on numbly and mutter “Jack Elrod” in response. Perhaps simple Joe will be this story’s moral center, refusing to fulfill his odious duties and instead revealing the sins of his employer to the world. “Jack Elrod!” he’ll shout, in triumph.

Ziggy, 9/29/10

Ha ha, Ziggy, don’t worry! Nobody actually wants to buy your body parts. In fact, most people, upon discovering that your liver or one of your kidneys was inside them, would probably try to remove the offending organ with whatever sharp implement was at hand.

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Ha ha, remember last week, when you woke up bright and early every day with Uncle Lumpy’s comedy stylings? Well, you’re with me now, and you’ll take posts at random times and you’ll like it.

Mary Worth, 9/28/10

Oh … oh God. Without even the benefit of a Charterstone pool party to cleanse the palate, Mary has moved on from matchmaking to start her most ambitious meddle yet: the Mother of the Bride Meddle. Sure, she isn’t technically Adrian’s mother, or even her stepmother, but she’s served as Jeff’s platonic yet monogamous consort ever since she killed his wife in ritual combat, so she’s the closest thing Adrian’s got. Mary’s passive-aggressive commentary on the inadequacies of the dress, DJ, floral arrangements, wedding invitation fonts/paper stock, and attendants that Adrian has selected will be delicious. If we’re really lucky, she’ll insist that they make it a double wedding with her new favorite couple, the now merged into wholeness Mike and Jenna.

Mark Trail, 9/28/10

“Wait, did I say ‘cagey,’ as in ‘reluctant to give information due to caution or suspicion?’ Ha ha, that makes no sense. I mean ‘caged,’ because I’ve transformed my property into a giant cage by means of miles of chain-link fence. Not that this cage-hunting business won’t be exciting and challenging! Do you gentlemen smell something gubernatorial in here? I think you’ll find that it’s me!”

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/10

Oh, look, Lu Ann is still acting like a sullen teenager over her hair. Yep, haven’t missed much!

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Hello, everybody! I have returned from my Northwesterly sojourn and am as ever extremely grateful for Uncle Lumpy’s incomparable guest-hosting duties. And I am of course also extremely grateful to everyone who gave money in last week’s fundraiser! You will all be getting individual thank-yous this week, obviously, but for now I give a blanket thanks.

Uncle Lumpy was also kind enough to keep a list of the most amusing comments you made this week! Here is the top comment, chosen from his curated list using the top-secret COTW algorithm:

“This whole makeover story is what Sex and the City would have been if it was written by heterosexual men.” –Gabacho

And the runners up! Also funny!

Mary Worth: “If I could invent a way to stab comic characters through the Internet I’d be rich!” — Dan

Pibgorn: “This is a little like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book written by someone high on mescaline who spent too much time reading Ann Rice books and staring at 1970s van art.” — Hank

“Re-running a Pluggers without any notification is about as Pluggers as it gets.” –Dood

Dennis the Menace: “Margaret: ‘Maybe someday we’ll share the same last name, Dennis.’ Dennis: ‘Yeah, and then you’ll write Gone with the Wind!” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

Spider-Man: “HAHA! I am going to take control of Tony Stark to blow up a plane! No! Nevermind that! My real plan is to show the city my power! I mean, make the city terrified of Stark! Actually, my plan is to disgrace and then destroy Stark. Because… because… for… uh… for vengeance of course! That’s the ticket! Yeah, I’ll get revenge by making him kill Spider-Man! That’s my plan! Has been all along! Yes, my plan! My perfect plan to… to… to destroy Stark Industries! Yes that’s my plan! My perfect plan to destroy Stark industries… as a means of killing Spider-Man because… because… he’s the ultimate victim! For my revenge! Which is to make Spider-Man afraid of Iron Man! Yes, yes! My plan is coming together — my perfect, unchanging plan to disgrace Spider Man! Soon! Soon! Soon my plan, which has been and always will be to turn Tony Stark into a murderer, will be accomplished! MWAHAHAHAHA!” –Le Pompadour de Lynch

Funky Winkerbean: “Patrons be forewarned: No one will be seated during the spinechilling ‘walking through the door and looking at his watch’ scene!” –Pop Goes the Weasel

“The thought of a bus full of elementary-school children crying out in cornpone terror (‘Please, Gawd, naw! Don’t let me kick th’ buckit!’) is just too much for me to handle. But then — I’ve just remembered — that bus can’t have passengers, because there’s no way little children actually go to school in Gasoline Alley. Phew.” –Mollie

Luann: “Hi Tiffany, can we use you as bait?” –zerowolf

Brenda Starr: “Yes, it’s quite the chic thing for Bubba Haskins to stop by and get a mess of crickets or redworms to take to the river and fish, and while he’s gone his girlfriend Amber Faye Handful will stretch out under the tanning lamps until she’s the exact shade of her Lane hope chest she got at graduation back a while. Ain’t nothin’ like an all-purpose gas station/shit-n-git…” –True Fable

Pluggers: “The only explanation for a graveyard that crowded is that pluggers purchase vertical burial plots as a space/cost saving move. But no that can’t be right, most pluggers are just as wide as they are tall so that wouldn’t save any space at all.” –Thomas B.

Curtis: “If SuperCaptainCoolman can rip through 50 feet of solid rock like it is tissue paper, what in the world happens when he wipes his ass?” –Thomas B.

Apartment 3-G: “Love how Doris just blows her off. Luann’s problem is new hair covering the same old brain.” –Roman Fingers

“God is flooding the Earth to cleanse it of Fred Basset.” –commodorejohn

Mark Trail: “Judging by the length of the lens and the size of the front element, Mark seems to have recently purchased a 2600mm f/32 telephoto lens, probably from a sketchy Korean eBay account. If he sets up 50,000 watts of lighting he may be able to get a decent exposure, I hope it doesn’t blow his cover. Alternately, that may be a smaller lens with two feet of extension tubes to give it 10x macro magnification, for getting a real close look at the pores on whatever chin he’s going to have to punch.” –B

Again, HUGE thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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