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Mark Trail, 6/8/10

Our long national nightmare of Rusty-face horror has finally ended, but now we’ve reached a new level of awfulness, as we’ve finally been brought back to Ol’ Lady Whatsherface’s terrifying animal gulag. “That old woman next door has brought more stray animals home,” the neighbors complain — though they dare not do more than gripe to one another, because of the old dognapper’s hair-trigger temper and propensity for savage violence. “It’s disgusting! She’s putting those puppies in the oven! Oh, God, I can’t watch!”

Mary Worth, 6/8/10

Oh, so it looks like Dr. Roberts will finally be allowing himself to love once Mary forces him to date financial consultant Jenna Thomas. Presumably they’ll realize that they’re perfect for each other once they talk about the shared sense of self-satisfaction they got from fixing Bonnie’s broken crazy money-spending brain. As we can see in panel two, Jenna is already prepared to deal with Dr. Roberts’s tiny, tiny penis.

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Let’s get right to your COMMENT OF THE WEEK, people!

“I think we can all agree that even if TJ does embark upon a romantic liaison with an eight-year-old, this will still only be like the third or fourth grossest plot development in recent Luann history.” –Violet

And the runners up! Hi-larious!

“The other people in the hospital have the right idea. ‘LOOK AWAY! It’s too late for that woman, but we can save ourselves if we just don’t make eye contact!'” –Dragon of Life

“You better not talk/ You better not cry/ You better watch out/ I’m telling you why/ Margo Magee is watching you eat” –skullcrusherjones

“Luann is mildly funnier (and much more fitting) if one imagines Shannon pronouncing it ‘B-wad.'” –indrifan

“I’ve really no time to chit-chat, Bonnie. I need to get this Alexander Haig costume back to the novelty store.” –Doug Starr Twinkle

“Every time I laugh at Ziggy, I’m filled with equal parts nostalgia and shame.” –Jesse C

“As much as I love Gil Thorp, and I do, I think it’s time to tweak the format. Instead of giving us season after season of boring, middling teams who miss the playdowns, why not give us horribly, violently dysfunctional teams that miss the playdowns, with the culmination of every plot being Kaz brutally ‘separating’ the fighting individuals and Gil somehow not getting fired by diverting all blame to the kids’ parents/video games/Marty Moon? For those still on the fence, it would have the added benefit of seeing all the annoying jocks bloodily beaten at some point in each plotline.” –Drew Funk

“Reading Mary Worth today, I was struck with a compulsion to adapt this storyline into a parody of the Beatles’ ‘Doctor Robert,’ for obvious reasons. Unfortunately, I’m still a young man with hopes and dreams, and none of them involve spending more than thirty seconds of mental energy a day contemplating Mary Worth.” –Snuggs

“Tacos are ‘wraps,’ now. I guess the young folks call crepes ‘flats’ and biscuits ‘sports’ and tea ‘gerzzle’ and cars ‘hoot-a-root yer uncle Bob.'” –Jumper

“I feel for ol’ Number One in panel one of Gil Thorp. There he is, drowning in adolescent confusion as he laces up, his eyes dashing back and forth from the hetero-eroticism plastered on his locker door to the homo-eroticism 15 degrees to left, when BAM! — his gesticulating captain thoughtlessly whacks him in the side of his head. Suddenly aware that he’s part of the scene he’d been ignoring, he rapidly bends over to hide his boner from his teammates.” –Edgy DC

“When Mary Worth ‘turns on the charm,’ she literally reaches up and flicks a switch behind her right ear.” –Perky Bird

“Whoa! Whoa! What happened to Bonnie? It looks like Doctor Roberts has sawed off her credit card hand and she’s still weak legged from the anesthesia. ‘What about YOU Dr. Roberts? Each day hundreds of physicians are confronted with lawsuits. Do you have the emotional and financial reserves to withstand this onslaught? Do you like tan glop? What are you doing tomorrow evening?'” –mustang

“Books? Pluggers don’t have time for that sort of east-coast intellectualism! Pluggers go to the public library because it’s the only place in town that still rents VHS tapes.” –Andy L

“I’d just like to know why Spidey is posing like that as he cracks wise. ‘In some nutty way, I guess I win! By the way, what do you think of my new bikini?'” –Luprand

“It took 3 years after Hart’s death for BC to succumb to the icy grip of Bolshevism! Next thing you know, the whole strip will be poster-style images of cavemen casting off their chains, and rejecting whimsical daily gags in favor of a harsh, unflinching Soviet realism, in celebration of the poverty and suffering which redeems us. So … it’ll basically be Funky Winkerbean, I guess is what I’m saying.” –Dan

“I don’t share your ethical concerns. The way I see it, we aren’t breaking into Margo’s apartment — we’re just breaking into Tommie and Lu Ann’s apartment. By the way, how would you like a handy stethoscope and some kitschy greeting cards?” –seismic-2

“‘Well, if you know somebody who’s right for me…’ Perhaps a service animal to help you for this grand mal seizure you seem to be having.” –LogopolisMike

“Oh yeah, that’s right, Mr. Wilson used to be a mailman. Except for a few years in the seventies, when he was Augusto Pinochet.” –Ktrout

“That is some well-groomed facial hair that Aristotle is rocking. No way he’s not spending at least 30-45 minutes a day combing that bastard.” –Grump

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here’s where we could be giving thanks to advertisers like you! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/7/10

Ha ha, did you think that Ari was talking to his pill-popping love Bobbie, who he just weeks ago bundled off to some private upstate nuthouse? Don’t be silly; obviously he would recognize her voice on the phone, and surely no facility that specializes in making the problematic relations of rich people conveniently go away would allow its patients any method of communication with the outside world. No, I think we have to assume that the Professor has been sending out thousands of emails that begin with “Dear One: Do you want h1gh-quality prescription MEDZ, cheap?” and has finally managed to snag a customer.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/7/10

We’ve already established that Herb’s marriage fills him with nothing but dread, so it’s probably to be expected that Herb will plunge his living room into total darkness not so that he can get amorous with his wife, but so that he doesn’t have to see her.

Marmaduke, 6/7/10

A “face-off” with Marmaduke generally ends with somebody getting his or her face bitten off.

Oh, and hey, you know what? If Mark Trail is going to keep showing us day after day of Rusty face-horror, then I fully intend to keep sharing it with you, at full magnification:

Panel from Mark Trail, 6/7/10

Rusty’s eyes, having once shone with a terrifying inky dark light, have now shriveled down to tiny pits, and his cheeks have grown hollow with grief. He pretty much looks like the guy from “The Scream,” after he’s stopped screaming.