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Momma, 5/7/10

I keep trying to fit this strip into a shape that isn’t horrible, but this is all that I can come up with:

• After running out of socks, Francis also ran out of toilet paper.
• Francis uses socks as toilet paper.
• Francis is going to masturbate in Thomas’s bathroom, using one of Thomas’s socks to clean up with.

Oh God, oh God, I need to stop there unless I…

• Francis has already masturbated into Thomas’s laundry hamper, and now needs to use the bathroom, for unrelated reasons.

ARGH ARGH ARGH MUST MOVE ON

Crankshaft, 5/7/10

Crankshaft is of course a terrible, hateful character, but I do sort of respect his refusal to cower in the face of the obvious cruelty and misanthropy of his creator. Crankshaft’s friend there is glum and resigned in the face of the specter of death; Crankshaft sneeringly demands to know the day and time of destruction, so that he may laugh at it all the more. Until then, he will live every day as if it were his last, making everyone around him as miserable as possible.

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Judge Parker, 5/6/10

I’ve frankly been pretty bored with the Neddy’s-triumphant-return storyline so far, but things may in fact be looking up. I expected to Jules to be some sort of mishmosh of Frenchy/fashion designer/metrosexual stereotypes — effete, histrionic, lascivious — but it would be much more interesting if he were an actual crazy person. Perhaps he designed the perfect shoe years ago, and just looking upon it left him the wild-eyed madman you see in panel three. The cruelest aspect of his mental illness is that he can no longer even remember his great moment of shoemaking apotheosis! All he can do is carefully balance the heels of his latest creation on his thumbs and mutter lunatic nonsense.

It’s also possible that Jules’s weird, aberrant behavior is drug induced. This would be great, as this strip has lacked a good drug story since Abbey got high on accident a couple of years ago. Jules will presumably claim that, because of his spasming back, he had to take a whole fistful of “medicinal” shrooms.

Apartment 3-G, 5/6/10

Speaking of drug-fueled descents into madness — uh, Margo, I’m all for substance abuse to ease the pain of losing your fiance, but don’t take the angry ones, OK? I know it’s useless to reason with someone in a paranoid rage, but might I point out that, in order to be manipulative, you have to be smart?

Mark Trail, 5/6/10

This Mark Trail story, which started out as “Mark finally agrees to have the relations with Cherry,” looks like it’s about degenerate into “Sassy runs off without her collar.” This will inevitably lead to lots of Rusty running through the woods with his emotions running high, and whether the boy is amped up or terrified he’s awful to look at, so no good can come of it. Plus we’re forced to contemplate just how “not pretty” that dumb little dog smells now.

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Slylock Fox, 5/5/10

Boy, Slylock sure is grim this week. First it’s animals getting maimed in car wrecks, now it’s “which of these adorable beasties is closest to death”? The short lifespan of the opossum actually fits in nicely with the little story being told, too. The villain of whatever petty mystery Officer Turtle is trying to solve isn’t the accusatory raccoon, the terrified beaver, or the obviously stoned bear. No, that angry opossum did it, because when death is always hovering right over your shoulder, you do some crazy things just to feel alive. What’re you gonna do, copper, throw me in jail for life? Doesn’t matter to me, I was never going to get to see my kids grow up anyway.

Mark Trail, 5/5/10

With Cherry abandoning him to gussy herself up, Mark has been left with Doc and Rusty, truly the dregs of the Lost Forest social scene. The final panel illustrates why Rusty won’t be allowed out in the barn: his hideous visage will panic the horses.

Dennis the Menace, 5/5/10

Those terrifyingly thin ankles indicate that Dennis has managed to induce a serious eating disorder in his mother with his little bathroom pep talks. Menacing factor: +1.