Post Content

Blondie, 6/9/10

Here is a 100 percent true story: When I was about 10 or so, my dad and I were driving through downtown Buffalo, and this car sort of cut us off, and my dad said, “Jeez, what’s up with this clown,” exactly the way you would in such a situation, and then I looked closer and saw that the car in question was being driven by an actual, literal clown, in full make-up and regalia and everything. His car was not unusually small, nor was he sharing it with dozens of other clowns. This was endlessly hilarious to me, and whenever I see clowns depicted in everyday life, I think of this incident, and it makes me laugh. Certainly it was much funnier than Blondie’s grim and off-putting attempt to wring surrealistic yuks out of a vicious clown assault.

Mark Trail, 6/9/10

You know who really, really likes working zoning disputes into his stories? Jack Elrod, author of Mark Trail! Now, it probably is true that land use regulations are a much more important part of rural life than we city slickers realize, but now all of the sudden a dramatic change in zoning laws is arising as a plot point in this unusually urban storyline. Thus, I must assume that Elrod is a member of the small, misunderstood community of zoning fetishists, or “zonies.” While he toils away on the outdoorsman strip he inherited from Ed Dodd, he’s always hoping that one day one of the alternative presses will pick up Fred Gorski, Zoning Board Co-Chair Of Destiny!, the erotic graphic novel he’s been tinkering with for years.

Apartment 3-G, 6/9/10

Uh, is it just me, or are those oven mitts really, really big? They look more like the freakishly oversized novelty hands you get at sporting events. Naturally, Tommie has cut off the protruding index finger, as neither she nor anyone else believes her to be “number one.”

Post Content

Mark Trail, 6/8/10

Our long national nightmare of Rusty-face horror has finally ended, but now we’ve reached a new level of awfulness, as we’ve finally been brought back to Ol’ Lady Whatsherface’s terrifying animal gulag. “That old woman next door has brought more stray animals home,” the neighbors complain — though they dare not do more than gripe to one another, because of the old dognapper’s hair-trigger temper and propensity for savage violence. “It’s disgusting! She’s putting those puppies in the oven! Oh, God, I can’t watch!”

Mary Worth, 6/8/10

Oh, so it looks like Dr. Roberts will finally be allowing himself to love once Mary forces him to date financial consultant Jenna Thomas. Presumably they’ll realize that they’re perfect for each other once they talk about the shared sense of self-satisfaction they got from fixing Bonnie’s broken crazy money-spending brain. As we can see in panel two, Jenna is already prepared to deal with Dr. Roberts’s tiny, tiny penis.

Post Content

Let’s get right to your COMMENT OF THE WEEK, people!

“I think we can all agree that even if TJ does embark upon a romantic liaison with an eight-year-old, this will still only be like the third or fourth grossest plot development in recent Luann history.” –Violet

And the runners up! Hi-larious!

“The other people in the hospital have the right idea. ‘LOOK AWAY! It’s too late for that woman, but we can save ourselves if we just don’t make eye contact!'” –Dragon of Life

“You better not talk/ You better not cry/ You better watch out/ I’m telling you why/ Margo Magee is watching you eat” –skullcrusherjones

“Luann is mildly funnier (and much more fitting) if one imagines Shannon pronouncing it ‘B-wad.'” –indrifan

“I’ve really no time to chit-chat, Bonnie. I need to get this Alexander Haig costume back to the novelty store.” –Doug Starr Twinkle

“Every time I laugh at Ziggy, I’m filled with equal parts nostalgia and shame.” –Jesse C

“As much as I love Gil Thorp, and I do, I think it’s time to tweak the format. Instead of giving us season after season of boring, middling teams who miss the playdowns, why not give us horribly, violently dysfunctional teams that miss the playdowns, with the culmination of every plot being Kaz brutally ‘separating’ the fighting individuals and Gil somehow not getting fired by diverting all blame to the kids’ parents/video games/Marty Moon? For those still on the fence, it would have the added benefit of seeing all the annoying jocks bloodily beaten at some point in each plotline.” –Drew Funk

“Reading Mary Worth today, I was struck with a compulsion to adapt this storyline into a parody of the Beatles’ ‘Doctor Robert,’ for obvious reasons. Unfortunately, I’m still a young man with hopes and dreams, and none of them involve spending more than thirty seconds of mental energy a day contemplating Mary Worth.” –Snuggs

“Tacos are ‘wraps,’ now. I guess the young folks call crepes ‘flats’ and biscuits ‘sports’ and tea ‘gerzzle’ and cars ‘hoot-a-root yer uncle Bob.'” –Jumper

“I feel for ol’ Number One in panel one of Gil Thorp. There he is, drowning in adolescent confusion as he laces up, his eyes dashing back and forth from the hetero-eroticism plastered on his locker door to the homo-eroticism 15 degrees to left, when BAM! — his gesticulating captain thoughtlessly whacks him in the side of his head. Suddenly aware that he’s part of the scene he’d been ignoring, he rapidly bends over to hide his boner from his teammates.” –Edgy DC

“When Mary Worth ‘turns on the charm,’ she literally reaches up and flicks a switch behind her right ear.” –Perky Bird

“Whoa! Whoa! What happened to Bonnie? It looks like Doctor Roberts has sawed off her credit card hand and she’s still weak legged from the anesthesia. ‘What about YOU Dr. Roberts? Each day hundreds of physicians are confronted with lawsuits. Do you have the emotional and financial reserves to withstand this onslaught? Do you like tan glop? What are you doing tomorrow evening?'” –mustang

“Books? Pluggers don’t have time for that sort of east-coast intellectualism! Pluggers go to the public library because it’s the only place in town that still rents VHS tapes.” –Andy L

“I’d just like to know why Spidey is posing like that as he cracks wise. ‘In some nutty way, I guess I win! By the way, what do you think of my new bikini?'” –Luprand

“It took 3 years after Hart’s death for BC to succumb to the icy grip of Bolshevism! Next thing you know, the whole strip will be poster-style images of cavemen casting off their chains, and rejecting whimsical daily gags in favor of a harsh, unflinching Soviet realism, in celebration of the poverty and suffering which redeems us. So … it’ll basically be Funky Winkerbean, I guess is what I’m saying.” –Dan

“I don’t share your ethical concerns. The way I see it, we aren’t breaking into Margo’s apartment — we’re just breaking into Tommie and Lu Ann’s apartment. By the way, how would you like a handy stethoscope and some kitschy greeting cards?” –seismic-2

“‘Well, if you know somebody who’s right for me…’ Perhaps a service animal to help you for this grand mal seizure you seem to be having.” –LogopolisMike

“Oh yeah, that’s right, Mr. Wilson used to be a mailman. Except for a few years in the seventies, when he was Augusto Pinochet.” –Ktrout

“That is some well-groomed facial hair that Aristotle is rocking. No way he’s not spending at least 30-45 minutes a day combing that bastard.” –Grump

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here’s where we could be giving thanks to advertisers like you! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.