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The Phantom, 2/2/25

A fun thing about The Phantom (the comic strip) is that it’s one of the oldest superhero franchises, and the Phantom (the character) hasn’t really changed much since the strip launched during FDR’s first term, so he recognizably fits into the “superhero” slot in our collective understanding of the word but one of his primary “superpowers” is “shoots guns”. The current Sunday storyline is sort of a Phantom: Origins flashback, showing what the current Phantom’s Phantom ancestor was up to during the Moroccan invasion of the Songhai Empire in the 1590s. Turns out what he was up to was using his “shoots guns” superpower, even then! Hey kids, you want to see a guy get shot in the chest, right here in the newspaper? It’s OK, it’s, uh, old-timey.

Curtis, 2/2/25

Don’t panic, Curtis! All you have to do is create a Wikipedia page for “Toby Wilkins,” complete with plausible-looking citations, before Mrs. Nelson gets home tonight! Admittedly that doesn’t really sound like something that’d be in your skill set, now that I think about it. Seems to be more like a Barry thing to be honest. Should’ve been nicer to your brother, Curtis! I personally would not quickly whip up a bogus Wikipedia page to help a guy who calls me “troll” on the regular.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/2/25

Your nephew’s band? Is it a roots country band??? We haven’t seen any roots country action in this strip since November, I’m starting to panic

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Blondie, 2/1/25

You know, this strip originally became a cultural sensation when it was about a dissolute failson who wooed and married a flapper and got disinherited over it, but then for a lot longer than that it was about a suburban dipshit who was married to a woman wildly out of his league, and I’m not going to say that’s good or anything, but it’s a hell of a lot better than a strip in which people encourage their children to “vlog” about “healthy lifestyle ideas.” This one is even going so far as to imply that getting involved in the online influencer grift could get you laid! It makes me sick.

Hi and Lois, 2/1/25

Lois was smart to do this: Thirsty is wearing an orange sweater, clearly signaling that he was prepared to go “Garfield mode” on that lasagna. Of course, the sassy orange cat would never let a nagging note stop him from devouring the Italian dish he loves so much, which is why Thirsty, as much as I hold him in great affection, is not a top-tier comic character and never will be.

Shoe, 2/1/25

I’ll say this much for Shoe: when it has characters say jokes like this, it at least has the good grace to make them look like they want to die.

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Let’s send January off with a bang in the form of this week’s top comment!

“Hi is in sales? He is the dourest sales guy ever. He’s the opposite of Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. A B C: Always Be Crying.” –Lawyerbob

And the runners up! Very funny!

” I’d say that Dawn is attracted to men like her father, but I simply can’t imagine Wilbur having the gall to tell someone else to wipe their mouth, or even knowing it was something people did.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z’: Wilson closes his eyes and daydreams of the buzzsaw cutting through Dennis’ torso.” –Hibbleton

“God damn it Slylock, don’t google the answer in front of everyone.” –Dan Carroll

“Wait, Pardon My Planet has been set in North Carolina this whole time? Did I miss the strip where our cast of depressed post-hippie Gen X hipsters go to a Panthers game or obsess about the Wright Brothers or [third North Carolina stereotype not found].” –Schroduck

“I think the real question here is why, if Burford Bear found the chest of coins in Death Valley yesterday, he’s showing them off in a completely different area today. Death Valley is famously hot and dry, and, like much of California, experienced very little rainfall over the past year. Yet the pictured location is nothing but greenery as far as the eye can see! Combine that with the fact that a large trunk full of gold coins would weigh hundreds of pounds — heck, even the chest itself seems to be made of pure gold! Did Burford really transport it here overnight, then drag it out to the side of a secluded road, away from any onlookers or cars? Why does the supposedly professional news cameraman have no idea how to position his camera for a good shot? Honestly, I think this is all an elaborate scheme in which someone is about to get whacked. Does Max have heavy gambling debts? I bet Max has heavy gambling debts.” –BigTed

“Josh, Josh, Josh. As the world’s foremost Dark Hi and Lois connoisseur, I … God this is literally true. I should rethink my life. Anyway, look how unhappy they are! This rocks!” –matt w

“Dagwood looks so stunned at Dithers stealing the whole case of pastries. Is it like a ‘Eating way too much is my thing’ identity crisis or did he somehow never imagine the possibility of one man trying to shove down [squints at art, making optimistic estimation] eight? eclairs while they’re still hot?” –Amelie Wikström

“I’m trying to gauge how big Hi’s responsibilities are. Is he tasked with sales in the eastern part of the town? The eastern part of the state? The East Coast? Or the East, meaning all the realms outside Christianity that the Pope assigned to Portugal in the Treaty of Tordesillas? Because these things are very different!” –Ettorre

“Blondie is trying to get in on this whole Inception fad with a visualization of a visualization. I hope in a few years as that other woman is telling a co-worker about a past job, we get her visualization of this scene with both other visualizations intact.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Josh, just wanted to say thank you for bringing Alice into our lives. As a long time reader, sometimes I think I’ve seen it all in the funny pages, but Alice proves to me that actually I know nothing and I’m an idiot. For years we’ve seen instances of comics that don’t really add up or make sense, but now I’m realizing, maybe they never had to! It’s kind of like hearing grunge for the first time.” –Maggie

“Well, we can’t agree on much as Americans these days, but I think we can all agree that Dagwood totally fucked their wedding cake.” –Old Man Shadow

“My favorite detail of this is that the witch on TV looks so depressed. She’s been a witch so long that she’s just over it, and she’s discovered that the only real magic in this world is day drinking.” –Joe Blevins

“The witch is pouring the poison into a traditional cauldron filled with some sort of ominous brew, but the beleaguered wife is using it to season a salad. I appreciate a cook who is able to adapt to whatever they have on hand.” –TheDiva

“I was a teacher for many years. I can attest that the only thing that would cause me to remember a parent from a conference is if they were remarkably unpleasant. So, yes, this tracks. Good job with the realism!” –McCapwell

“There is no in-universe storytelling reason this guy needs to be in his underwear, ergo we must assume the artist just wanted to draw a lot of body hair that day.” –Rex Thrillho, on BlueSky

“Hopefully the rich, green tones in Jeffy’s bedroom are achieved with arsenic.” –nescio

“Having a kid hampers adults ability to do things like visit friends or engage in hobbies requiring attention like reading. Jenny throwing out the books, totems of a time when Jeff had free time for good narratives or exploring interesting topics, is his personal burning of the Library of Alexandria. Now even his past pleasures have been taken over by that wretched child.” –Philip

“OK, I’ve never thought about this before, but do each of the four Keane Kids have their own separate bedrooms? If so, does the priority list for storytime vary throughout the day based on who has displeased their parents the least? That would explain why Jeffy is nodding off; he’s been riding the bottom tier for weeks now, and it’s after 11:30 before Ma or Pa make an appearance. Dolly keeps requesting middle chapters of Moby-Dick just to twist the knife.” –Navigator

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