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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/11/22

There’s a lot going on in this panel — Max trying and failing to pump iron; how peevish the alligator gym attendent is about this crime; “Biceppe’s”; the fact that Harry Ape is wearing a fedora to the gym — and I love all of it. I also love the solution to the mystery, which plays on our idea that ape feet are really pretty hand-like, so it makes sense that they’d leave prints, but also lets us know that human toeprints could be used as evidence as well, so you’d better not be out there committing crimes barefoot. Anyway, it’s really too bad for Harry that when the ascendent animals took over the wreckage of our civilization, they couldn’t figure out our advanced “gloves, but for feet” technology.

Mary Worth, 12/11/22

I honestly cannot get over the fact that Iris is more or less ignoring the weird hot babysitter sexual roleplay vibe Zak and Nan have been putting out for this entire encounter and only seems to care about how much she and Nan look alike. (And I guess that Nan can’t remember her name, which is genuinely annoying.) Anyway, she seems not to be hung up on the age gap thing at the moment, so it’s good that she didn’t verbalize the Doublement commercial joke, because they haven’t aired those since the mid ’80s and Zak definitely would not get it.

Hi and Lois, 12/11/12

Every once in a while Hi and Lois decides its mission is to paint an uncompromising portrait of middle-class suburban life. Like today, for instance, when the joke is that a man has cheaped out on a Christmas tree, then tried and failed to lie to his wife about it.

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Zits, 12/10/22

The thing about dad jokes is that they are corny but actually perfectly constructed. Think about the classic “I’m hungry!” “Hi, hungry, I’m dad.” It’s corny as hell but pure and precise and not clunky at all. Claiming that Harley-Davidson underwear is the same thing as “a Harley” represents a failure to respect the linguistic disconnect — “underwear” is not a singular noun, you would never say “an underwear” or anything like that. This violates the form of the dad joke and I declare Walt a dad joke moron.

Family Circus, 12/10/22

Speaking of morons, I was going to go on a whole riff here about how “horn” and “corn” derive from the same Indo-European etymological root, but you know what? Billy’s too dumb to ever appreciate it, not that I’d be explaining it to him, obviously, but still: it’s wasted on him, thematically. And you! It’s Saturday, maybe I should go outside!

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Let’s get right into the day … and right into the comment of the week:

“As a scholar of game theory and social choice, Elmo knows that any binary selection system will inevitably fail Arrow’s impossibility theorem, and only a numerical scaled preference can deliver a truly fair result. Just one of the hundreds of rationalisations that Elmo’s multi-million dollar consultancy will bring to North Pole Inc.” –Schroduck

“If, tomorrow, Toby walks in and all three women recreate the classic ‘Spider-man pointing’ meme, I’ll take back every negative thing I’ve ever said about this strip.” –John Plugger Mellencamp

“I was going to make a joke about the guy Greymuzzle will introduce Dick and Sam to. He’s a furry-porn artist but actually redraws the art from other more talented artists. ‘Dick Tracy, I’d like you to meet Dick Trace-y.’” –The Rambling Otter

“‘Serve cheerfully’!? In the grim police state that is Dick Tracy’s world, a jury summons can not only require your intellectual labor, but pile on emotional labor too.” –Peanut Gallery

“Elmo, Santa Claus is a fifth-century bishop, his ethical system is completely rigid and completely incomprehensible to modern people. How many Arians did you slap this year? See, this is why no children get Christmas present and parents have to buy them!” –Ettorre

“I can’t get over how the janitor is just sitting there cheerfully recounting his Hague-Tribunal-worthy crimes against humanity. I hesitate to use the term ‘history’s greatest monster,’ or at least I used to. Have I been subconsciously reserving it?” –Violet

“She’s watching them feed each other with chopsticks but still only focused on how much they look alike. If I wore a Wilbur mask I could fuck Entertainer Esme over the dinner table and everyone would only focus on how good a mask it is.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Jeez Alice. All Dennis asked for was a pair of dress slacks, a fur-lined navy peacoat, and a festive scarf. He just wants to look as smart as Joey and the other executives for their corporate holiday party!” –Carsick Yankee

“We’re just a couple days away from Future Janitor casually dropping ‘…and of course, Bull Bushka had to die.’”–Biiirdmaaan!

“If Lisa didn’t die, there wouldn’t be Lisa’s Story and without Lisa’s Story, Les Moore wouldn’t have the Best Actress Oscar in his possession that will very soon, fingers crossed, be the murder weapon that does him in if we’re going to get any sort of satisfying conclusion to this strip.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Downside? You want a downside? How about your mailman robot achieving sentience, linking up with the USPS Collective and enslaving you? ~Chuckle~” –MKay

“Also, all those times where, uh, things that were supposed to be funny didn’t quite land? That was caused by a feedback loop in the space-time continuum. Hard to explain the physics, but all those gags were actually hilarious.” –pugfuggly

“Oh, the luxurious perks of diner ownership. A common man like myself can only dream of being able to prepare and eat scrambled eggs and buttered toast at any time!” –jroggs

“Regional branding is quaint, but ultimately won’t hold up when some Big Box Cartel moves to town and forces a hostile takeover of your operations. Every mom-and-pop drug den will be shut down.” –Philip

“Wait, Cranky is passed out and not complaining. Seems like the best case to me — oh, he’s going to pee on himself, isn’t he?” –But What Do I Know?

“Judging from the sign in the stands, the team is now known as the Milford Rocks, no doubt due to their uncanny propensity for sinking to the bottom.” –Pozzo

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