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Gasoline Alley, 6/27/06

LOCAL TODDLER EATEN ALIVE BY BEARS

Grief counselors to help grandfather deal with the humiliation: ‘It’s important to help him feel good about himself again’

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Dennis the Menace, 6/26/06

Here’s one for the Crappy Coloring Chronicles: does poor Ruff have mold growing in his fluffy white coat? One of the fraternities at my college had a St. Bernard that they used as a mascot but otherwise left to wander the campus unattended, and he often had something greenish and inappropriate growing in the folds of his fur, so it can happen, but Ruff is the cared for by an Eisenhower-era nuclear family unit, not twenty or so perpetually drunk and irresponsible 19-year-old layabouts. This actually reinforces my belief that the coloring of the daily comics is done in some steamy tropical locale where the wages are shockingly low and mildew grows in everything. Either that, or it’s done by robots who are wholly unfamiliar with carbon-based forms of life.

Mary Worth, 6/26/06

I know it’s really just the crappy quality of this graphic, but I’d like to believe that Mary’s eyes are rolling back in her head as she struggles to comprehend the fact that Dr. Jeff has finally managed to extract himself from her clutches. The bold-italics of that last phrase in Jeff’s word balloon implies a certain note of triumph, and the way he holds up his wine glass for a toast shows that he’s going to do this dump job in style. Mary is enjoying a glass of human blood, as is her wont.

Gasoline Alley, 6/26/06

Meanwhile, in Gasoline Alley, a small child is about to be eaten by a bear.

Six Chix, 6/26/06

In Six Chix, a proud young person punches an old woman in the face.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/26/06

And in TDIET, a German family is baffled by the idea that non-Germans might be of interest to anybody.

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/25/06

I know that cancer is a tragic and serious illness, and affects the lives of its victims and their loved ones in many ways, large and small … but this, in a nutshell, is why Funky Winkerbean is the single most depressing comic in the newspaper today.

Mary Worth, 6/25/06

This, on the other hand, is pure God-damned comedy gold. Passing over the mention of the always snicker-worthy “Bum Boat,” I have to say up front and right now that if Jeff gives Mary her walking papers this week, it will make up for the last two lame-o storylines, and then some. Bonus points if she spirals downward into a pit of alcoholic despair.

Extra hilarious aspects of today’s strip:

• Mary prattles on about how she has to dress up because Jeff really wants to go to this nice restaurant, but he’s apparently going to show up in a minty green sports jacket. Maybe he figures that now that he’s won the Masters, he’ll be so busy fighting off golf groupies that he won’t have time for Mary’s meddling.
• Mary’s Chaterstone condo is all at a crazy angle in the first panel, like she’s some sinister supervillain in the ’60s Batman TV show. Which, by right, she ought to be.
• Jeff has a framed picture of Mary that he talks to, or at least that he thought-balloons too. I’ll bet that picture’s heard a lot of sullen, drunken abuse over the years, followed by even more drunken pleading for forgiveness.

Family Circus, 6/25/06

OK, one Family Circus featuring horrifying sibling dynamics, a multi-armed Jeffy attempting to fly, and Bette Midler lyrics? Perhaps attributable to a lapse of judgement, or too much booze. But two? That’s a cry for help, is what that is.