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Mary Worth, 6/6/06

Girlfriend, the first thing we’re going to have to do is wax those forearms.

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Ah, Finger Quotin’ Margo. How do we love thee? Let us count the ways. Or, hell, let’s just trot you out again for everyone to see.

Now, here’s the thing, kids. We all know that the Comics Curmudgeon merch store is desperately, desperately in need of freshening up. And it seems that what the people really want is some sort of Finger Quotin’ Margo product. But if there’s one thing that will bring down the wrath of the Syndicates with enough force to smash this little enterprise into dust, its me selling artwork to which I don’t have the rights on t-shirts. Only King Features can sell garments festooned with drawings of Finger Quotin’ Margo, and if they haven’t wised up to the obvious goldmine that such garments would represent, well, ours is not to wonder why.

But we can do the next best thing. We can’t use this drawing, but is there any reason we can’t … dress up like Margo and re-enact this scene? I’m betting the answer is “No”!

Yes, in a move that is totally and 100 percent not even a little ripped off from Drink At Work’s “Medium Large guy lookalike contest”, we’re having a “Finger Quotin’ Margo lookalike contest!” Just e-mail me a digital photo of yourself looking as much like Finger Quotin’ Margo as possible. You don’t have to wear a red turtleneck sweater, be a brunette, have hair in a bun, be stacked, or even be female, but all of those things will help your cause. (You definitely do have to make the finger quotes, though. C’mon people, put forth a little effort!) I’ll post the best of the pics here (so you also have to have a tolerance for public humiliation) and, if any of them are even close to the real thing, I’ll photoshop in a word balloon into the best and then slap it on a CafePress mug. (I’m thinking photos won’t really come out very well on a CafePress t-shirt, but if I’m wrong, please let me know! Also, I suggest you take the pic against a light-colored background.)

“Why should I subject yourself to your mockery?” you’re no doubt asking. Well, other than the fact that it’ll be totally boss if this comes even close to working, if I pick your picture for the mug, you’ll receive … a free mug! With your own picture on it. Just like the kind you can get down at those kiosks in the mall. Only, you know, awesome.

So don’t delay! Find a photographer and a red sweater and send in those pics!

Update: Mrs. C. has told me in the strongest terms that Finger Quotin’ Margo’s sweater is fuschia, not “red.” Make of that what you will.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/5/06

“Holy crap,” a million Apartment 3-G fanboys around the country bellowed this morning. “First Batwoman, now this!” Unfortunately for Tommie, who, having finally given up on getting any action from Margo, might now be feeling hope awaken in her breast once again, I’m betting that Lu Ann is using those quotation marks such that she’ll avoid a visit from her finger-quotin’ roommate. The old “make your ex-boyfriend jealous by pretending your roommate is your hot lesbian date” ploy may get the job done, but it inevitably ends in heartbreak for the roommate. Alan will no doubt get all riled up and whisk Lu Ann off for a quick “life drawing” session, while poor Tommie will be cast aside and left to the unwanted attentions of Maynard G. McVesty.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/5/06

Note to cartoonists everywhere: Do not, repeat, do not deploy slang words that you don’t understand in a desperate attempt to appear “hip” or “cool” or “with it.” For instance, the author of this feature really should have consulted someone under the age of fifty to help him fully grasp all the nuances of the Truman-era neologism nerd.

Have you ever noticed that TDIET’s text inevitably has a lot of filler material (i.e., “well”, “er”, “oh, yeah”)? Are the boxes laid out in advance, and the text needs to be fluffed out to fill them? Or is some poor assistant taking dictation and afraid to apply any editorial judgement?