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This will not be your beautiful wife for much longer

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Mary Worth, 11/15/05

Yeah, reciting lines from a play! Or, you know, incredibly stilted dialogue from a lame soap opera comic!

OK, so because I am a little paranoid and self-important (aren’t these two sides of the same coin?) I wondered if “Josh” — who shares my name and hair color and penchant for trashing the dialogue in Mary Worth — weren’t a subtle homage to my greatness from the soapmeisters at King Features. I floated this theory to Mrs. C., who was with me until the part when I noted that this Josh was a workaholic.

Anyway, lots of good action in this strip — in motion line form! Watch out, Josh, Jane’s got a pointy nail heading right for your eye! He responds the only way he knows how — by grabbing her on the upper arms and rotating his freakishly oversized shoulders back and forth, hoping to somehow calm her down or at least induce motion sickness. Actually, with the big shoulders and the vibrating, it kind of looks like he’s wearing David Byrne’s big suit from the “Once In A Lifetime” video. Except this being Mary Worth, it’s been dyed electric blue for the occasion.

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Apartment 3-G: A guided tour

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Apartment 3-G, 11/13-14/05

Isn’t it intriguing that Mary Worth, Mark Trail, and Apartment 3-G all wrapped up storylines almost simultaneously? And while the first two strips have launched into their new inane plots (Divorce Court: Hand vs. Hand and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Extinct!, respectively), Apartment 3-G has been taking its sweet time getting into gear. Mainly, instead, we’ve been treated to a Margo Magee character study, and that character is not exactly pleasant. Perhaps this is meant to serve to get new readers up to speed on the black, black heart that beats beneath Margo’s perky bosom. It’s been fun watching her alternately taunt those worthy of her scorn (her comical immigrant mother, her long-suffering roommates, the working poor) and wallow in shameless materialism, but it’s hard to see where we’re going to go from here. Maybe on her way home she’ll beat a puppy to death with one of her $500 Manolo Blahnik shoes, just for laughs.

Hopefully the other two Apartment 3-G roomies will get their own meandering, thought-balloon-heavy character establishment bits in the near future. Lu Ann’s will feature her wandering, wide-eyed and baffled, throughout the city, alternately walking into things and swooning over intercheangable WASPy dark-haired men in suits. Tommie’s will take maybe two strips to finish — one if it’s on Sunday.

A few commentors felt that “With money, you get honey” was a merchandise-worthy epigram. I’m more inclined to “My looks — that takes maintenance!” If only CafePress sold makeup mirrors.

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Bring me the head of this “Wiley”

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Non Sequitur, 11/11-12/05

Yes, leaf blowers sure are powerful! Why, conceivably, a leaf blower could be designed and constructed so as to be powerful enough to uproot a tree! Then, in some sense, the wielder of such a leaf blower might be “the leaf blower king!”

Also! Evolution! It takes the form of a series of changes over time, eventually culminating in a cave man of some sort. But watch out! Some people, possibly driving stubby, mail-truck-type vehicles, oppose the teaching of this sound doctrine! They’ll back right into that cave man! In a metaphorical way!

Seriously, I have no idea what the hell either of these comics are supposed to be about. Sorry, Non Sequitur, but I think maybe it’s time to take a step back from the brink.