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Blondie, 7/27/22

Man, that is a truly bone-chilling facial expression on Dagwood in the final panel. Not sure if his dream included an extended racing sequence before he had the epiphany that his opponent was edible, or if as soon as this giant 12-foot hot dog, dripping huge gobs of chili and condiments onto the ground, said, in a goofy, friendly voice, “Hey, Dag! Let’s race!” he knew how this would all end. But we too know how it must’ve ended: with him tackling the dream-creature to the ground and tearing off chunks of its flesh with his teeth, listening to it scream in agony and beg for mercy while he relentlessly ~c o n s u m e d~ the monstrosity. “Guess!” he says, as falls back into another dream where he gets to sate his appetite in the most ghastly of ways. Blondie, meanwhile, is going to be awake all night thinking about this.

Marvin, 7/27/22

Guess what, everyone! Marvin, launched on August 1, 1982, meaning that we’re just a few days short of its 40th anniversary! Unfortunately, Jenny and Jeff have finally realized that they are trapped in an eternal present where their child will always be a toddler and never learn to poop in a toilet, and their facial expressions in that second panel indicate that, armed with their new knowledge, they now have the power to simply walk away and never appear in this strip again, which means that we’re not going to quite get to 40. R.I.P. the comic strip Marvin, 1982-2022.

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Gil Thorp, 7/26/22

Wow, sorry, I guess because I’m an effete urban liberal I interpreted yesterday’s Gil Thorp scene as a bunch of public school employees enjoying an afternoon at a coffee shop, when in fact it’s a bunch of manly coaches pounding down hard liquor at a bar! The sort of bar where the bartenders will awkwardly flirt with you after you’ve been recently (?) abandoned (?) by your family, and also where you can just get your ass extremely kicked by the rowdy fellas from New Thayer.

Mary Worth, 7/26/22

OK, I know I’ve made it clear that I hate Jared very much and that by and large his simpering facial expressions send me into paroxysms of contempt, but I have to admit that the weird thing Jared’s doing with his mouth here in panel two is a wholly appropriate reaction to unexpectedly having to have lunch (and talk about your relationship problems) with Mary Worth.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/26/22

“Also, Hootin’ Holler’s tenuous connection to the economy of the outside world means that it’s just good sense to harvest whatever local calories we can! Store up fat for the winter now, paw!”

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Judge Parker, 7/25/22

Say, remember a few years ago when Judge Parker Senior ran for mayor on a NIMBY platform to protect Cavelton’s quaint vibes and their associated property values? Well, he lost (technically, he dropped out before the election, which is the worst kind of losing you can do), and now downtown Cavelton is full of multifamily mixed use buildings where regular people can afford to live, or, in this case, non-regular people who used to be married to local gazillionaires but said local gazillionaires are now divorcing them. (Oh, Abbey is divorcing Sam, by the way, I’m not sure if the fact that I’m more interested in the housing economics of Judge Parker than I am about the characters’ love lives says more about me or Judge Parker.)

Gil Thorp, 7/25/22

Milford’s number one hangout location for student athletes is, of course, the Bucket. But where do the Valley Conference coaches hang out? Apparently it’s this coffee shop (vaguely word-play-y name TK), which provides a safe space for them to all cattily gossip about each other because the barista will helpfully loudly announce whoever’s arriving, just in case you’re saying something really emotionally cutting about him.

Marvin, 7/25/22

Wow, huh, I guess the Millers deciding to move for some reason wasn’t just a one-off joke, but actually a running plotline of some sort? I’m kind of tickled that these two can only handle like one big emotionally strenuous process per quarter, and now that it’s July they’re finally ready for #3 of 2022. Sort of explains why they haven’t gotten around to potty training Marvin yet.