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Mary Worth, 7/24/22

I am currently reading The End of Everything (Astrophysically Speaking), which I highly recommend if you want a more-or-less accessible intro to not just the end of the universe but the current state of scientific consensus on big-picture cosmology stuff. One of the parts that I find hardest to get my head around is what it means to say “the universe is expanding,” which it is, and if I’m understanding things right this doesn’t just mean that individual stellar objects are continuing to move outward from the Big Bang origin point into the void, but that the fabric of spacetime itself is in some sense spreading out.

Weirdly, I might’ve just gotten a little insight into this from today’s Mary Worth. Throughout this Jared-Dawn horrorshow, there’s been some discourse on this blog as to whether Jared or Dawn has the greater claim to be the wronged party and/or history’s greatest monster. But only today — in which we learn that Jared can never truly commit to Jess by smooching her until his ex, whom he dumped, agrees to be friends with him, and this will become the central engine of the remainder of the drama here — did I realize that it’s actually the narrative fabric of the universe they inhabit itself that’s at fault here. This takes a real load off my mind, honestly! Jared and Dawn can no more stop sucking than distant galaxies can stop hurtling away from us into infinite space (which they probably can’t, since according to the book most people now no longer believe in the Big Crunch hypothesis).

Slylock Fox, 7/24/22

Ahh, isn’t this a pleasant rooftop scene! Everyone enjoying snacks and beverages, Slylock flirting the only way he knows how (by posing elementary logic puzzles, a little too eagerly), and … what’s this? Notorious sad drunk McGruff the Crime Dog, just sitting there silently watching the proceedings? Has he been invited to the gathering out of pity, or did he just stumble up to the rooftop for a weekend suicide attempt and decided to act casual about it?

Dennis the Menace, 7/24/22

I’m just gonna say it, Dennis: that isn’t a very good question at all. Do better next time.

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Gasoline Alley, 7/23/22

Despite feeling obliged to read Gasoline Alley every day, I often fail to retain the details of its sprawling cast and their various problems, because honestly, why do that with my precious brain space when I could be doing literally anything else with it, but it’s slowly been dawning on me that the “Jimmy” who we recently saw ruining his sister’s sex life is the same kid who got a ride on a real live steam locomotive because he was dying of some unspecified terminal illness all the way back in 2014. I’m not sure if they somehow cured him in the interim and I just forgot or if the kid suffers from “Walt Syndrome,” a rare condition unique to the Alleyverse where a character lingers at the ege of death indefinitely without ever actually dying, but clearly Jimmy’s sister’s paramour is done with waiting. That’s why he’s turning to his grandfather Slim, who once got mad about some local teens playing basketball so he hired a guy to murder them by dropping a meteorite on them out of a helicopter. Slim knows from killing minors in elaborate space-themed “accidents,” in other words, and this rocketship built much faster than NASA ever could, with fewer safety features than NASA would ever be allowed to include, will do nicely.

Dick Tracy, 7/23/22

So whey would some faction of the now Earthbound race of Moon People want to turn their monstrous powers against Earth’s unsuspecting governments? Well, it turns out their Moon youth are being corrupted by anime. How else do you expect any self-respecting civilization to respond?

Hi and Lois, 7/23/22

Honestly respect how absolutely devastated Hi is by this. He’s been hanging on by a thread for a while now, but at least he thought that his family respected his grilling prowess. Now even that’s been taken from him, and there’s nothing left.

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As things get hotter and humider, the comments of the week continue and get funnier!

“A much worse possibility is that there is no Count Weirdly, just an endless series of barely-functional robots designed to massage the egos of animals roleplaying at being police in some terrible anthropomorphic Westworld. The nose and skin are all wrong, but that’s fine, they’re not meant to be accurate, just a mockery of an increasingly hazy memory of mankind that the animals can lord over with their knowledge of basic trivia. ‘I · HAVE · AN · ALIBI · I · WAS · SEEING · THE · PENGUINS · AT · THE · NORTH · POLE’ says Weirdly #217 as Slylock smirks and adjusts his tie.” –Dan

Your runners up are very funny as well!

“Today’s Dustin is just the rough draft of a Cathy.”–Lee Sherman

“I really hope Jared is suffering, because I kind of get the feeling that furiously masturbating whilst crying and thinking about hurt women might be his shtick.” –Hunterwali

“It would have been better if Dawn’s head had been in that thought bubble in the last panel. Or, even better, Queen Amidala.” –Joe Blevins

“Wearing outmoded hats? Hiding in dark caves underground for weeks at a time? Flashing alt-right hand gestures? Clearly Weirdly’s robot replicas are the ‘incels’ of the future (since he did not think to give them genitalia).” –Sir Oracle

“Zits is much better than Dustin at depicting young people, but we can all agree that Jeremy losing his virginity while cosplaying is too much realism!” –Ettorre

“I invented the Prince Valiant haircut, you know. A 12 pack, scissors, a bowl, and the rest is history” –made of wince

“It’s funny because that is not a man who is having a little nap at work, it’s someone who has injected some powerful opioids. I guess we all celebrate America’s victory in the space race differently.” –pugfuggly

“Dagwood is perched on his desk as his co-workers gather round. ‘I’m at the foot of the ladder. The LM footpads are only depressed in the surface about one or two inches, although the surface appears to be very, very fine grained, as you get close to it. It’s almost like a powder,’ he intones, and the crowd murmurs in admiration. ‘Okay. I’m going to step off the LM now.’ He steps from the desk to the chair. The crowd hushes, holding its collective breath. ‘Houston, that’s one small…’ The chair swivels. Dagwood falls, slamming his head on the desk as he goes down to the lunar dust he and his colleagues can almost imagine, his coma deep and lasting. Someone screams. The crowds scatters before Dithers can arrive. Dagwood’s limbs twitch. Soon someone is sending around an e-mail that starts with ‘[f]ate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace…’” –Voshkod

“Y’all really don’t see it? I guess my ‘Actually-Dithers-killed-Dagwood-but-the-censors-didn’t-approve-it-so-here’s-some-hastily-rewritten-shit-about-the-moon-landing-or-whatever’ internal senses are keener than others.” –2+2=7

“I’ve never really thought about vampires wearing glasses before, but something about it seems off. Like does he also have an inhaler?” –Violet

“Watch out, Mary! Cathy, Santa Royale’s up and coming, youthful, no nonsense, straight talking yenta is coming after you. Dispensing advice and eating salads, she cares for the mental well being and lower GI of the next generation!” –Baja Gaijin

“Or maybe he fell out of love with you because the ‘Lettuce go out to eat’ joke isn’t as funny as you think.” –made of wince

“I get that the new Gil Thorp writer has been asked to ‘sex up’ the comic a bit, but did we really need to see Gil grinning at a giant butt plug?” –Schroduck

“Dude in a Lowes (or maybe Ace Hardware?) vest selling Home Depot store-brand tools at what looks like an abandoned cell phone store? That tracks.” –Old School Allie Cat

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