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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/6/20

Haha, well, this is one of the grimmer scenarios Snuffy Smith has served up to us, isn’t it folks? Was the head of the local cemetery so hated that his former subordinates, now leaderless and squabbling, have to bury him in the dead of night, with no witnesses? Anyway, what I actually want in life is for every scene in any visual art that depicts a heavy reminder of life’s mortality to feature Snuffy Smith wandering through the foreground, a sack full of stolen chickens over his shoulder and a tongue lolling out of his mouth indicating his amusement at human frailties.

Mark Trail, 7/6/20

You know, back when Rusty was a mere “ward,” he never would’ve dared to express admiration for bad boy movie stars, because he knew that one wrong move and he’d be sent back to the orphanage, or just lured out to the forest with the promise of a “fishing trip” and then abandoned. But ever since Mark started letting Rusty call him “dad”, the kid thinks he can get away with anything! Hopefully Jeremy Cartwright will turn out to be a real shitheel and Rusty will realize that Mark and only Mark is a good example.

Beetle Bailey, 7/6/20

Wow, if I had to guess which character in a long-running legacy comic strip was secretly an Instagram food influencer, Sarge would … not be it? Like, we’d all think it was Dagwood, right? Definitely Dagwood. Anyway, all of the obvious variations on “Sgt. Snorkel” are as of this writing still available as usernames on Instagram, so feel free to start a gimmick account that you’ll get bored with in a week or two!

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/5/20

“And that he was extremely forgetful! Everyone talks about freeing the slaves, and winning the Civil War, but they’re all too ‘politically correct’ to talk about the forgetfulness! This comic book is gonna dispense with polite fictions and get to the truth.”

Judge Parker, 7/5/20

Good news, everyone! The entire cast of Judge Parker is gonna die, finally!