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Mary Worth, 1/27/19

“Toby, marriages are like sharks. Even as you enter into deeper waters, you still have to keep moving. Because those waters are full of hungry marriages, with razor-sharp teeth, waiting to swarm around you and tear your body to shreds in an awful orgy of blood and death. Where was I going with this? Oh, right Ian is too much of a coward to have an affair, but he’ll probably still try to justify to himself giving a student a grade she doesn’t deserve, because he’s horny.”

Mark Trail, 1/27/19

I’m assuming Sarah Emlen Mathias gets a shoutout because she brought the scourge of the Spotted Laternfly to Mark Trail and/or James Allen’s attention, but the placement of that word balloon sure makes it seem like it might be a very sarcastic “thanks.” “Originally from Southeast Asia, this invasive species popped up in Pennsylvania in 2014 right after Sarah Emlen Mathias got back from a vacation in Laos, so let’s give a big, special thanks to her for not thoroughly checking her luggage before she came home! These voracious little creatures have the potential to cost millions of dollars in damage to agricultural businesses, so, you know, nice one, Sarah.”

Pluggers, 1/27/19

Not really sure what relationship the desperately anxious plugger in the title panel has to the little domestic drama in the main comic, but I’m very keen to find out! From the look on his face I’m assuming that, having received a loved one’s finger in the mail, he’s now getting detailed instructions on where to bring the ransom money.

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The Lockhorns and Pluggers, 1/26/19

Man, here’s a couple of single-panel comics that seem to have gotten their wires crossed today! Normally, The Lockhorns restrains its deep well of misery to the emotional sphere: sure, Loretta constantly trash-talks Leroy’s skimpy paychecks, but that always seems more of a way to belittle him rather than an actual complaint about their finances, as they seem to have no problem paying for Loretta’s shopping sprees, endless and no doubt pricey marriage counseling, and what I assume are their sky-high auto insurance premiums. Have they finally reached the point when Loretta is beginning to secretly pawn their household items in order to buy groceries, or did she do it just to annoy Leroy, “accidentally” bringing him by the window in yet another move in their longstanding chess game of emotional destruction? Pluggers is where we expect to see desperate pawn shop episodes; pluggers have survived true horrors, both foreign and domestic, so don’t try to tell me that the biggest danger they face is on the golf course.

Crankshaft, 1/26/19

It’s true: beloved (?) ancillary Crankshaft character Ralph is having a heart attack! Today we’re getting to the real dramatic heart of this storyline: Ralph is having a heart attack, and it’s going to inconvenience Crankshaft.

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It’s that time of month again: the time when I let you know that the Internet Read Aloud, my live comedy show about the Internet, is happening in a week’s time! Do not, miss it, if you are in Los Angeles!

Here’s the Facebook event!

It’s also that time of week again: the time when I present to you the week’s top comment!

“Killgrave’s powers have turned his skin purple and allow him to command heroes to give him piggyback rides so no, he’s not the most dignified of supervillains.” –iagbegreg

And the hilarious runners up!

“Instead of ‘Child’s Mind,’ this could’ve been called ‘Why It’s Better To Be Born a Boy Child.’ (1) You don’t have to kiss people against your will. (2) A woman’s interior life is a baffling landscape that you needn’t concern yourself with.” –Jenna

“Uncle Chris, answering the burning question: ‘What would Jesus look like if he were the regional manager of a Century 21 office?’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Look at all these young people, their eyes fixed on their phones! Why can’t they live their life more fully, for example exchanging grades for sex?!” –Ettore

“I think I’ve sussed out what’s bugging me about Jannie. When she’s putting on her sweet l’il co-ed act for Professor Cameron, she’s got this pleasant, doe-eyed expression on her face. But when she’s gloating about how she can use her feminine wiles to ace this course without doing any work, her face turns into a sneer worthy of Snidely Whiplash. This transformation is too unnatural! It’s like the version of her from the portrait stashed upstairs in the attic comes to life when it’s time to blow off the slavering young boys and blow smoke rings while indicating just which little finger of hers Dr. Cameron is wrapped around. It’s like we’re reading The Picture of Jannie with No Gray Area.” –Larry McAwful

“That poster outside the main office is there for a reason. It covers up a crack in the plaster. But if you do start feeling depressed, then call up Robby Howry and ask for some uppers. His number is on a billboard outside of town.” –seismic-2

“The toll-free number is an innovation! I kind of expected Gil to hand out a pamphlet entitled ‘So You’ve Lost to Your Arch-Rivals by Single-Digits.’” –But What Do I Know?

“People usually don’t grimace when they try to wink, Janine. Unless they’re really drunk, which would explain a lot now that I think about it.” –Rosstifer

“I estimate Ian’s age as being somewhere between 70 and 135, but even he should know that no college professor is donning a suit for a typical class day, particularly one in which half the class dresses like they’re on a short-lived ’90s NBC sitcom and the other half dresses like they’re in a short-lived ’90s grunge band.” –Irrischano

“I’m pretty sure that ‘bust‘ is actually Gen. Halftrack himself, in makeup and standing with his head through a table — all so he can finally get Miss Buxley to touch him. Saddest sexual harassment ever!” –BigTed

“Hey, if being smug and judgmental gets you that much extra leg room on a flight, I may have to give it a try!” –JJ48

“Yes, which is worse: the dull ache of living or the sharp pain of dying? This is about as philosophical as Crankshaft gets.” –pugfuggly

“Toby’s caustic relationship with Ian makes all the sense in the world now; all it takes is a few winks and smiles for Ian to fall apart at the seams and forget how his job is supposed to work.” –Lionheart

“She’s the world’s only preteen senior citizen. He’s U.S. Senator Ted Cruz. This fall on NBC, they fight crime.” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“The guy looks pretty tough. He’s gritting his teeth, and just look at that scar. Better give him what he wants — don’t try that weak ‘go fish’ stuff with him. Just give him the damn eights and nobody’ll get hurt.” –Tracy’s Dick

“Oh, hey, Marty’s radio program is out of WDIG, which a quick internet search reveals is an AM station in Steubenville, Ohio. You know — Steubenville, the city of murals! Home of the annual Christmas-themed Nutcracker Village! The, um, quickest-shrinking metro area in America from 1980 to 2000. Gosh, Gil Thorp. Steubenville. Hmm. Welp, better get going. Good talk.” –Thelonious_Nick

“I assume an ‘all-world’ football player plays the form of football that the rest of the world plays, i.e. soccer. In other words, he’d be an absolutely totally wretched quarterback. Fits right in!” –Dmsilev

“Toby wouldn’t be worried if she knew the reality of the situation is much, much more pathetic than she can imagine.” –Noel

“‘I wonder if he’s having an affair?’ Just as I thought, Toby is an uptalker.” –Northernlurker

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