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Beetle Bailey, 10/13/18

Beetle Bailey’s Rocky, created in order to cash in on the “rock ‘n’ roll” music the kids loved so much in the ’50s, has over the years taken on a number of conflicting attributes that might be vaguely lumped together as “anti-establishment”: he’s been an anti-war protestor, a nihilist, a mutineer and assassin, a violent street tough, and an abstract impressionist, so sure, let’s make him a muckraking journalist as well, for some reason! Anyway, panel two is a good image for those of you who can only get off when thinking about an old man ashamed of his own incontinence, I guess.

Hagar the Horrible, 10/13/18

Long-distance Viking trade networks did result in cultural contacts between medieval Arabs and Scandinavians, so it’s plausible that a djinni could find itself in the The Horrible’s Norwegian shack. And djinn are canonically charismatic, so it makes sense that Helga would want to have sex with this Middle Eastern spirit being and condemn her ungrateful husband to an eternity trapped in a lamp. This all checks out!

Blondie and Marvin, 10/13/18

Say, are you a comfortable middle-aged suburbanite syndicated cartoonist looking for a venue where you can work out your irritation with, say, those showboating NBA players, or the poor? Well, good news!

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We got yer top comment of the week — right here!

“Extraterrestrial life is not likely to be bipedal with familiar bilateral symmetry, and is highly unlikely to be able to survive in our atmosphere. No, this is clearly another one of Count Weirdly’s robots. But Slylock is so focused on showing off his high school chemistry knowledge that he overlooks this plain fact, and thus unwittingly participates in Weirdly’s devious plot to corner the lemonade market.” –Nekrotzar

And we also got your runners up — very funny!

“The saddest squirrel is the one with the little top hat. The other squirrels are just being squirrels, but the Ringmaster there is really committed to this being a circus. ‘BUT WE GAVE YOU A SHOW!’ he’ll scream, as the dogs rip him and his little hat to shreds.” –Lorne

“I enjoy Max Mouse in this panel, basically sitting there on the edge of the pier pondering how they got to the point of dealing with the mystery of the fucking toy ship. They used to be the best in the biz … the best.” –tb4000

“Only 4 hours between low and high tide, and then 20 hours until it’s low again? Clearly, this is some nefarious scheme of Count Weirdly. What he’s trying to accomplish with the deployment of his Achronal Tidal Engine is a mystery, but it’s probably something like making the water rise at just the right time for him to take his rowboat up to the bank teller’s drive-through window right at guard shift-change.” –Dmsilev

“Can Dennis read? If he can’t, the saddest line in this comic is: ‘And I feel pretty good about it!’” –Joe Blevins

“Lasagna may well be one of the easiest dishes to prepare — you just pile ingredients up in a pan, and you don’t even have to cook the noodles beforehand. Instead, Lou buys industrial-size food-service cans of soggy noodles with hard bits of beef in a little overly sweet tomato-flavored liquid, upon which he’ll sprinkle the packet of tasteless Parmesan he’s been saving since the last time he ordered delivery from Domino’s. The fact that Dagwood intends to choke down two of these suggests that having to work on a national holiday has sent his food mania into overdrive.” –BigTed

“Saul Wynter’s beloved canine companion is gone. It’s natural for him to mourn and retreat… Does that sound convincing? My programming tells me that to mourn one’s beloved companions is ‘natural’. And please thank the team for deploying the contractions algorithm. However, there seems to be a problem with my vocal stress circuits. Would you like another RAM chip muffin while I run a diagnostic?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Mary steps out of the blood-covered sedan. ‘Hey, Mister Wynter! I ran over a couple of dozen dogs by total accident, and I’m wondering if you can repair it and pull the scraps and shards that were once beloved pets out of the grille and undercarriage!’ –Panel from Mary the Menace” –Voshkod

“Remember how the helicopter was about to crunch Spidey and Fisty into a building right before they disabled the chopper by punching holes in the footwells? The writers don’t. That happened, like, yesterday. Live in the moment, man.” –jroggs

“[Man brings problem before Crock.] [Crock promises to deal with problem in ambiguous way.] [Man assumes that this time, Crock is genuinely concerned, despite all past evidence to the contrary.] [Crock reveals ‘solution’ that is underhanded/impractical/stupid.] I think I’ve cracked the formula! Now I just need to learn how to not draw, and I can have my own beloved newspaper comic!” –JJ48

“How will Spider-Man escape from the falling helicopter? He’d need some kind of foolproof method of reaching a tall, sturdy object from another lofty position! And to save Iron Fist as well, he’d have to have the proportional strength needed to carry another person with him! The horror! Unless Iron Fist can survive any length of fall by punching the ground, which, let’s be honest, probably.” –Navigator

“Funky waited for Wally to spend four years and several hundred thousand dollars in student loans before deciding to hand off a business to him that Funky could have trained him to run for free. Ladies and gentlemen … the strip’s protagonist!” –Where’s Rocky

“Since Wally only has two choices for employment in Westview, Montoni’s or the high school, this seems to be a good fit. I refuse to consider the Komix Korner as a viable business.” –Rusty

“Mary eerily stares at the fourth wall while talking to Spencer Tracy, presumably to make sure anyone’s still bothering with this.” –Applemask

“At this point, grumpy old man Wynter is probably so fed up with Mary’s meddling that he will agree to go to the dealer with her, then find the smarmiest service rep on the floor, and tag-team him in the gratuitous upselling: ‘Did you notice the wear pattern on the left rear tread, Bill? Looks like the universal is about to give out. And listen to the engine! I wonder if those piston valves are okay.’” –fausto

“Pluggers’ lives are so empty that the only pleasure they get anymore is the glee that comes from taking out their hearing aids and then subjecting their grandchildren to the sounds of Lawrence Welk playing the accordion at 110 db.” –seismic-2

“It’s true! Jordan had a microwave installed, ordered a dozen takeout containers, and … whatever that is on the upper shelf. Either a toy locomotive or a very large spider.” –Ukulele Ike

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/12/18

A thing that was a big deal about Jordan when he was first introduced was that he was a veteran of one America’s several ongoing wars and had been wounded in action and had two artificial legs, a fact that has been … not necessarily retconned away but not talked about very much! But anyway, it appears that now we’re in store for a very special PTSD plot, which is appropriate and medical but it’s kind of weird that it’s only coming up now. Like, Michelle was an army nurse, so you think she would’ve … like … put two and two together here, rather than just being like, “My man, who lost his legs in an explosion, I hope he doesn’t get stressed out in the restaurant biz like the way he does around explosion sounds, which is a fairly unremarkable reaction and we’re not going to discuss in any way!”

Pluggers, 10/12/18

This could’ve been just another “Ha ha, pluggers’ bodies are falling apart as they age” panel, but, the anxious look on that l’il plugger’s face is truly harrowing. “Gramps, please … please turn down the TV. It’s so loud. None of us can hear each other. You can’t even hear me. And you’re sitting only about three feet away from the set. Do you even know I’m here? Do you even care?”