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The Phantom, 5/17/25

One of the key ongoing dramas of The Phantom is the question of what woman will contribute her genetic material to the ongoing Phantom bloodline by allowing Kit to sire the 24th Phantom on her, and so far the main competitors have been Kit’s local sweetheart in Tibet or his mother and sister’s choice, Kadia Sahara, the daughter of former Phantom archnemesis The Nomad. But … is there another? Savarna, of course, has mostly been interested in Kit’s dad, having flirted with him when he thought his wife was dead and proposed a superstar teamup that the Ghost Who Has Morals rejected because she’s violent and kind of insane. As a result, it seems that flirtation has cooled — sure, rescuing her from Gravelines Prison was the inciting incident behind the years-long “Death of the Phantom” arc, but that was a purely platonic jailbreak. Anyway, apparently somewhere along the line that I forgot about she met Kit back at the Skull Cave, and like many a young man, he fell under the spell of a worldly, sophisticated older woman. Like, look at her: she’s using a napkin! Ooh la la, fancy lady!

Gil Thorp, 5/17/15

There’s been some spring sports action in Gil Thorp over the past couple weeks that quite frankly has not risen to a level of “interesting” that would get me to comment on it. But Coach Martinez attempting to summon the ghost of Pop(s) right there in the athletic department storage room specifically to prove a point to Gil, to the obvious amusement of the other assistant coaches? You’d better believe I’m ready for multiple weeks of this.

Dennis the Menace, 5/17/25

Henry, wearing that checkered suit jacket/bow tie combo in public anywhere of course marks you as a true fashion moron. But specifically wearing it to a restaurant’s clearly labelled Western night? You dipshit. You absolute fool.

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Spring has sprung (not eligible in all areas), and now it’s time for the comment of the week!

“YES! The grueling, meaningless life uneventful!! That’s the ticket!!!” –Dennis Jimenez

And the very funny runners up!

“I like how Dagwood immediately gets back into bed after doing his one thing for his wife on Mother’s Day. I mean, it was assumed that he wouldn’t be doing the laundry, but he wants to make it crystal clear.” –pugfuggly

“Today’s strips show the duality of Comic Strip Time: I am torn between pointing out that Thel should be listening to a phone, not a boombox, and observing that having Dagwood say ‘chillax’ should be punishable by death.” –matt w

“I get that ‘Old Turtle’ is Boss Tweed, but I’m pretty sure the merry-go-round in the center was supposed to be labeled ‘Teapot Dome.’ Whoever’s in charge of maintaining the Thomas Nast Playground is falling down on the job.” –Peanut Gallery

“Big Daddy Keane has not yet given Thel the Mother’s Day gift she most longs for: a vasectomy.” –Ettorre

“Just spitballing here, but if I’m a homicidal maniac, the focus of my rage would shift to whoever in nearest proximity has just eaten a garlic-cheddar concoction.” –Hibbleton

“I see Plugger Bear and Plugger Kangaroo are watching the movie Spotlight. No, not the 2015 film about the Boston Globe’s investigation into sex abuse in the Diocese of Boston which won an Oscar for Best Picture, but the 2019 movie that just features a spotlight shining for 215 minutes of blinding headaches which nevertheless took first place at a film festival for moths.” –Voshkod

“Honestly, if I become a ghost and it turns out I can still eat, I’m basically going to be Slimer from Ghostbusters. I’m not going to think ‘What’s a healthy breakfast cereal for ghosts that’s low in sugar and good for the digestive system?’ I’m already dead! Who cares?” –Horace Broon

“The real horror will come when they remodel the house and make everything in there flat gray.” –Liam

“The artist put the finishing touches on the haunted house … it was perfect … he could add nothing more. He stared wistfully at his framed degree of Fine Arts from UCLA hanging on the wall of his cubicle, then took a long drink from the bottle he kept in his desk and then sketched in the generic, nearly featureless people and background. He would take an early and a long lunch today weeping in the supply closet.” –Old Man Shadow

“Ahhhhhhh! Weird, looming close-up of Rex Morgan’s nurse lady! Is … is she about to eat my village?” –A Grave Mind

“This strip is painfully out of touch with modern parenting. In reality, there would be precisely one thing Marvin wants to watch, and he would demand to watch it over and over and over and over again. If Jenny’s lucky, it’ll be Bluey. If she’s unlucky, it’ll some unbearable CGI Chinese nursery rhyme slop. If she wished on a monkey’s paw, it’ll be video games. Marvin, too young to understand the mechanics of Mario but yelling at her to do impossible things and jump on spikes repeatedly, then crying every time Mario dies.” –Schroduck

“Augie has now involved a women’s shelter in an active homicide investigation. Not only will the shelter workers have to deal with the cops (who will impound the truck and then auction it off later), they’ll also have to do extra paperwork. And then if the police report and/or court transcript makes their physical address public, they’ll have to relocate for security purposes. So yeah, way to go, Mr. Nice Guy … you just single-handedly shut down the local women’s shelter. Your Nobel Prize is in the mail.” –Veronica!

“Marvin, the first comic of the post-feminism regime, where a woman’s place is being squeezed onto a love seat with her father while her son — literally and with obvious delight — shits on her.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I love that Shoe in general, and the Perfesser in particular, have always been ’70s coded and clearly the product of a political cartoonist. The Perfesser looks like Walter Matthau portraying Tip O’Neill.” –Cris (without an H), on BlueSky

“This isn’t some light self-deprecation from Hi; that’s some serious self-pity. You can tell by the way the Mood Wallpaper has turned from green to yellow.” –Guts Dozier

“I’m not surprised that the Perfesser takes ‘seasick pills’ (aka prescription-grade muscle relaxers) in the bath, since that probably increases the relaxing high. It may not be worth the risk of drowning, but to each their own.” –BigTed

“That’s right, Leroy, keep it up. Hostas thrive on shade.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“That’s not a spoon. That’s a straw. Martha has finally decided to wire George’s jaw shut. This time the diet will work, God damn it! Why she decided to also sew his eyes shut is less clear.” –moscowtheclown

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Dick Tracy, 5/16/25

The current Dick Tracy story wrapped up with our criminals fleeing from the cops and in the process conveniently getting into a terrible car accident that killed our beloved dipshit nephews and their comically cursing aunt. I guess all’s well that ends well, and by “ends well” we mean “ends with three corpses in the very morgue where, for reasons that have still not been adequately explained, this caper began.” By the way, do the dimensions on those corpses seem off to you? Like they’re unusually tall, right? Not sure I want to know what exactly happened in that car accident.

Dennis the Menace, 5/16/25

Wow, look at how angrily Mr. Wilson is sucking on that spoon in the background there, trying to get every particle and calorie that’s been permitted to him. He’s very hungry! He’s an old man, please just let him eat what he wants!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/16/25

Oh, so you think Rex Morgan, M.D., storylines are “boring” and “pointless” and “nothing ever exciting happens in them, why is this even in the newspaper?” Well, have you considered that if they were exciting, it would be very scary for the characters? Would you want to live in an exciting storyline? I didn’t think so!