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Mary Worth, 7/9/24

OK, here’s the thing: we know really next to nothing about Dawn’s mother, and I admit that I’ve been projecting a lot onto the image of the icy WASP queen in Wilbur’s mind. Basically, I assumed that she was, yes, an icy New Englander, but also a more or less normal person, and honestly it’s kind of surprising that I’ve only now started to wonder if maybe she’s not? Like, let’s be real, this is a woman who let Wilbur [AUTHOR’S NOTE: I CAME UP WITH THREE DIFFERENT INCREASINGLY CRASS EUPHEMISMS FOR “HAVING UNPROTECTED AND ULTIMATELY PROCREATIVE SEX WITH” HERE AND DECIDED NOT TO ACTUALLY RUN WITH ANY OF THEM, YOU’RE WELCOME] her, and anyone who makes that kind of decision can’t be OK, mentally or spiritually. So maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise that she had compiled a quick list of “Ways to bond with Dawn” that went like “1. Do shopping, like in Sex in the City, 2. Go to ballet, 3. Eat at fancy places [research on Yelp.com], 4. Discuss various issues of interest to college students [research on TikTok],” and when none of that took, just texted her the PDF of a plane ticket home from the next room and trusted her to do the right thing.

Six Chix, 7/9/24

So it’s been a little bit since I checked in with Six Chix, but, you know what? If a syndicated newspaper comic does a strip where you see someone dry-humping a giant sandwich, that’s absolutely going to make it onto my blog. If there’s anything you should know about joshreads dot com, the Comics Curmudgeon, it’s that. In a perfect world it would’ve been Blondie, but they long ago lost their joie de vivre, so kudos to Six Chix for stepping up to the plate.

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Slylock Fox, 7/8/24

For hundreds of thousands of years, between H. Sapiens, Neanderthals, Denisovans, and H. erectus, there were multiple human species coexisting on the planet. But they mostly lived in small bands separated from one another by great distances, and weren’t that different from one another (DNA evidence even shows that they occasionally interbred when they did meet up). At any rate, H. sapiens soon prevailed, and the differences between the various subgroups of our species, which we have historically placed so much importance on, are little more than a rounding error, genetically.

The animals of the Slylockverse seem to have taken over our institutions wholesale, but surely the most difficult part the transition was the idea of equality of all citizens before the law, something even we have trouble with. Here, the varying abilities and evolutionary adaptations of various animals become important aspects of police work, despite the fact that everyone is wearing clothes and, presumably, living most of the time on land. It’s confusing! Also confusing is the fact that Slylock is wasting his time on a minor harassment incident when we’re watching a straight-up murder happen in the background. Some animals are more equal than others, and fully aquatic animals are the least equal of all!

Gasoline Alley, 7/8/24

It appears that God has answered Walt’s prayers, and is about to save him from financial ruin by [squints] ensuring that his up-to-date homeowners insurance pays for the damages to his house, in accordance with the provisions of his policy documents. You might question how God was involved in that transaction. Well, He is Eternal and does not experience time as we do, so how do you suppose Walt came to buy that policy in the first place, huh? Makes you think.

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Mary Worth, 7/7/24

For months now, I’ve been pretty disappointed that what I thought was going to be an incredible story about Dawn attempting to bond with the mother that rejected her actually ended up being a story about how Wilbur was utterly wrecked emotionally by the death of his goldfish. But I have to admit that it’s very funny, after weeks of watching Wilbur get emotionally wrecked by the death of his goldfish only to finally admit that he was mostly just bummed about his ex-girlfriend, to see Dawn reappear and say “Hey, remember when my mother pushed me out of her life, one of the more traumatizing things a young person can go through, only to call me up a few weeks ago in an attempt to emotionally reconnect? Well, it turns out she thinks I’m boring and lame and has pushed me out of her life again. Ha ha! So, what’s been up with you, dad? Anything happen to you on that level of trauma?” This whole dinner he’s going to be saying to himself “Don’t mention the fish … don’t mention the fish … don’t mention fish” and then as soon as there’s a moment of silence to fill he’ll blurt out “So the fish died and I stopped showering for like two weeks.”

Hi and Lois, 7/7/24

Meanwhile, here’s some successful fatherhood from Hi and Lois! Hi has turned his back on his job to enrich the lives of one of his children. What do you suppose happened to the other three? Did they decide their lives were sufficiently enriched and that they’d rather their dad worked hard so he could get a promotion and buy them more stuff instead? Or have they simply left town with their mother, never to return, leaving the two duds in the family behind?