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Mark Trail, 8/16/23

Look, I’m the first to admit that I’m an old person now, and if I accidentally clicked onto anyone doing a video livestream on any social media site or app, I would immediately and frantically try to turn said livestream off, and, if I couldn’t achieve that within approximately five seconds, would throw whatever device I was using into the sea. So the idea that a 500-follower account could reach more people by doing a live feed seems off to me, but since this is nu-look Mark Trail, it’s possible that Mark has a better grasp on social media than I do, which, I don’t think I have to say, is a very uncomfortable position to be in. Anyway, Marks père et fils are on the run for various crimes, including violence against law enforcement (and not for the first time!) so it’s possible this live stream will end in Mark’s arrest or summary execution, and I guess that could drive up viewership.

Blondie, 8/16/23

Sorry, I can’t spend any energy on the ostensible punchline here because I’m too fixated on what’s in the mysterious box Dagwood is purchasing that has this pharmacist so unsettled. Is it some advanced ultra-enema system that completely cleanses your GI tract of all sandwich matter so that you can immediately go in for another massive sandwich? Sir, your store is the one carrying it, so maybe you shouldn’t be so judgemental.

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

You notice how ripped Jeff’s arms are these days? Do you remember how just a few years ago he was an old man facing mobility challenges but now he simply can’t wait to follow up dinner with a vigorous walk? I don’t want to say that he’s using his trusted position at the Charterstone hospital to steal enyouthening child blood, but it would explain a lot.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

OH MY GOD, IT’S … actually, I have no idea who that is. Is it April’s … mom? April had a mom, who was some kind of undefined but menacing spy lady, right? And Sam being friends with her son-in-law is a “close connection,” sort of? OK, it’s April’s mom, until further notice.

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Hello, everybody! I’m back from my relaxing vacation, tanned, rested, and ready to mock the crap out of some comics. I must as always give thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his admirable fill-in work, and thanks to everyone who generously donated to the 2023 Summer Fundraiser. (Contributors will get individual thanks soon!)

You ever notice that Uncle Lumpy always gets to cover the really exciting things that happen in Mary Worth? We all remember that time back in 2009 when he got to breathlessly narrate the botched Operation H-Town Raid; this year, he was in the saddle while Mary spent the better part of the week cruising around Santa Royale in this charming bicycle:

And just as a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can set in motion a series of events that ultimately results in a hurricane hitting Florida, so too did Mary’s little jaunt result in…

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

…an evening at the Bum Boat where she gets real deep into her extremely boring philosophy about, like, social cohesion or whatever. Jeff has long since tuned her out and for most of the last 20 minutes has been thinking about the hit 2004 film The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, over in Judge Parker, Sam is being recruited to probably do a murder by a Russian (?) mobster (??) just because he managed to slightly outpace a kidnapper so that said kidnapper got eaten by a bear. Look, man, he just wants to have sex with his ex-wife, OK? Will you give him some time to do that, if he kills this guy you want killed? Because he’ll do it if he has to.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, Gil is teaching new Mudlark wresting coach Luke Hernandez why he can be so magnanimous: because he and Milford have deep financial resources that make life much more comfortable. It’s easy to be kind to your defeated foes when, win or lose, your facilities make Valley Tech’s look like some kind of makeshift concentration camp. And all Milford has to do to secure this bounty is humor “Pop,” the local eccentrically dressed billionaire who’s happy to underwrite the athletic department’s every whim, so long as he gets to hunt one underperforming junior for sport on his private island every semester.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/15/23

As America’s most beloved comics blogger, I hereby authorize each and every one of you to use “Sorry, I was busy running an online auction” as an excuse for being late or just generally not paying attention to other people. Go ahead! It’s easy and fun!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/14/23

Recessions are grim in a barter economy. As scarce goods are consumed or worn out, folks commence to hoardin’, losing opportunities for mutually advantageous exchange. Service exchanges could rise to fill the gap, but in a semi-literate society with poor communications infrastructure it’s hard for folks to find anyone who both can do what they want and wants what they can do (there’s an exception, but ew).

Despite his brave little smile, Snuffy is hard-hit. He is shif’less, owns nothing of value, and has no talents besides cheatin’, thievin’, an’ feudin’. King Features even took away his moonshine business! In an economic downturn, when people stop gambling, keep a closer eye on (or move in with) their chickens, and start conserving ammunition, he’s stuck. So he commandeers the Hootin’ Holler Lost’N’Found, hoping that a) someone will misplace an item of value, b) someone else will return it, and c) he can use or trade it. A precarious value chain, to be sure!

In reality, kind-hearted neighbors use the “Lost’N’Found” ruse to bring him “lost” clothing and food items—even the occasional chicken—to help the Smifs keep their heads above water, and their pride. Heartwarming, really. Everyone in the holler hopes things will get better soon, at which point Snuffy will go back to cheating, robbing, and shooting them.

Luann, 8/14/23

Aaaaaaaand jump-cut from “Pool Party” to “Gun and Bets on the Road.” Doesn’t look like they sprung for the Subaru engine conversion, does it? But hey, those rollup flatbeds charge by the mile: how far did you two get—downtown? Second base?

Blondie, 8/14/23

Are newspaper comics rushing autumn all of a sudden? First Tuesday Chik gets her pumpkin ready for Halloween and now Blondie here is hawking its precious spice. Is August so terrible? Sure it’s hot (“Dog Days,” duh) and doesn’t have any holidays, but the corn and watermelon are ripe, and it’s a great time for a lake vacation. I think these strips could learn to live a little more in the moment, is all.

Crankshaft, 8/14/23

Perestroika (перестройка) was Mikhail Gorbachev’s largely ineffective restructuring of the Soviet economy and bureaucracy. It started in May, 1985 and petered out around 1987—the first year of publication for the largely ineffective comic strip Crankshaft.

Well, that’s it for me! Stay tuned for Josh’s Triumphant Return—the elephants, trumpeters, and palanquin bearers are already warming up, and the largesse pots are brimming. I had a good time; thanks, everybody!

—Uncle Lumpy