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Comics archive! Curtis

I guess “turd” is OK language in comics now — so hard to keep up

So ends the Fall 2016 Fundraiser. Sincere thanks, generous readers!

Curtis, 10/22/16

Sadly, I’m sure it will work pretty much exactly like this. Curtis will get just big enough to beat up Derrick and the Bully Formerly Known as “Onion” to earn his revenge and his very own quotes. In time, “Barry” will follow to knock “Curtis” violently off his new perch.

But watch your back, “Barry” — “Teddy” is damn sick of you dragging him around, and he’s been working out.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/22/16

“While we can?” Bull earned those concussions, lost memories, and rage attacks, Linda — you think you can just ride along? Get your own damn tragedy — this may be Westview, but they can’t all be taken yet.

Family Circus, 10/22/16

Jeffy vows to entertain his celestial companion by exploring new frontiers of sin. Why is the Keane family such a hotbed of heresy and sacrilege?

— Uncle Lumpy

Weekend of terrible children

Curtis, 9/3/16

If, like me, you have read Curtis for years and thought, every time Curtis and Barry fight over space in their shared bed, “Why don’t they get bunk beds?”, then good news: this week, they finally got bunk beds! This set off a predictable dispute over who should get to sleep in which bunk, which concludes today with Curtis’s chilling vision of his brother grimly planning to wet the bed and soak Curtis with urine. Normally the fact that the daily colorists seem to do their work without even bothering to figure out what exactly is going on in the strip bums me out, but I’m glad that today they failed to render the spreading piss-pool in panel three in lifelike yellow, and I don’t care if this is due to neglect or disgust.

Dennis the Menace, 9/3/16

Who is this red-headed child? Why has Dennis lured him over for conversation? Is it to fill his head with the most tired and banal gender-relations stereotypes? If so, that’s solid menacing. If this kid is the child of the couple getting married, that takes it to the next level.

Jokes, how do they work?

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/16

Aw jeez, where to start? First thing, you can’t take your wacky bandmaster character, recast him as a tragic victim of advancing deafness, recast him again as a Wise Elder, and then expect him to sell your wacky “midnight practice” punchline in panel three there.

Second, that “punchline”? It’s what comedy folk call a “setup.” It goes in the first panel, not the last. That way you can actually show the midnight practice, maybe in sepia with those cute little photo corners the way you like so much. Then Becky can say, “Well, we don’t have midnight practice anymore — (ominously) but we’re still dealing with hazing!” — and maybe in the third panel we could actually see some hazing? A wedgie, “kick me” sign, towel snap or something? There’s a list! Sure, it’s still not funny, like fog still isn’t haze, but at least it would meet the formal requirements of a joke.

What a mess. None of it matters, though – somebody decided this is hazing sermon week, and jokes be damned. Don’t bully, kids. Adopt a damn animal or something. Stay off drugs.

Curtis, 8/8/16

Back in the 1980’s pranksters would order pizzas for delivery to their mark’s house. Hawaiian, with the ham and pineapple, was the canonical “funny” menu selection. The practice ended quickly when pizzerias started confirming orders by phone, and of course won’t work with prepaid online orders.

So Greg’s not out any cash – what’s his beef here? He seems pretty steamed! That somebody bought him pizzas? Interrupted his dinner? He doesn’t like pineapple? His son is a wretched little jerk? Ooh, I think we have a winner.

Mary Worth, 8/8/16

Tommy “the Tweaker” Beedie first appeared on this blog almost twelve years ago, in a post lovingly titled “Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what in the name of God is THAT?”. But say what you will about his unfortunate grooming and fashion choices, our Tommy is a go-getter: whether selling tainted meth, proselytizing his mom in prison, or just mopping up the joint, he puts heart and soul into everything he does.

Here, he throws himself into doc-shopping for Schedule III narcotics, blissfully unaware of the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program that will soon set him up for his third strike. So long, Tommy! We’ll be looking for you in 2028, if you’re lucky and if newspaper comics are still even a thing anymore by then!

Spider-Man, 8/8/16

Peter? What if somebody saw you coming in here? They might think we’re a couple, and my reputation would be ruined.”

Pity poor Mary Jane Parker — she tries to be a loyal wife but honestly just can’t hold it in anymore about this ridiculous insect-based superhero crap. And if Peter gives her that “Spiders aren’t insects” B.S. again she’s gonna smack him with a rolled-up newspaper. Probably the Bugle, just to make it extra hurty.

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–Uncle Lumpy