As is my wont with Newspaper Spider-Man characters plucked from the depths of Marvel’s intellectual property vault, I have gone out of my way to learn basically nothing about Prince Namor because I want to learn to love him in whatever hilariously dipshitty way that Newspaper Spider-Man chooses to portray him. I’m not even sure what his biological deal is — he lives underwater, but clearly breathes air and stuff and his people inhabit pressurized undersea environments? But they’re not just humans who moved beneath the waves centuries ago, what with the ears and the eyebrows? And also perhaps their hearts are oversized, to adapt to the oxygen-starved nature of their artificial atmosphere, which leaves then particularly vulnerable … to love? Anyway, the thought that Prince Namor would, if not for his heartbreak, be chowing down on an entire tray of “seaweed royale” is definitely one of the funnier things the comics has taught me this week.
Apartment 3-G, 10/3/15
“The most important thing is that you hover in the room and think good thoughts at her and be there when she wakes up, especially considering she didn’t recognize you before and thinks you’re dead. Don’t get in the doctors’ way! That will be extremely easy, in whatever spacious hospital room she’s in! Stay there all the time, even though you’re not legally related to her! If anyone complains, tell them I said it was OK! I’ll be somewhere else, somewhere far, far away.”
Herb and Jamaal, 9/28/15
Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is “beneficiaries,” there, my friend! Or maybe not? Maybe this poor fellow has become ensnared in some diabolical scheme that he agreed to when he was young and foolish, when sinister figures offered to lavish gifts upon him so long as he named them in his life insurance policy, knowing, through devilishly accurate actuarial science, that their investment would be profitable. Now he’s a living financial product, the revenues arising from his demise already securitized and sold as tranches to overseas investors in China and Dubai, and everyone is just waiting as his clock ticks inevitably down.
Apartment 3-G, 9/28/15
This is amazing. I am genuinely in awe of this. Imagine that you had asked me, “Hey, Josh, this storyline, where Margo crossed a psychic and was behaving erratically and didn’t recognize her former fiance, who had sensed that she was in danger with his psychic Tibetan mind powers — can you come up with a super boring resolution for it?” Never in a million years would I have settled on “I dunno … something glandular, maybe?” I wouldn’t have had the nerve.
Funky Winkerbean, 9/28/15
I also would never have predicted that the “Other Woman” DVD would feature Lisa telling Les’s future partner that, yeah, Les is going to shout “LISA!” while you’re fucking, and that Cayla would watch this and smile a little smile and think, yeah, he does, that’s classic Les. I mean, it’s pretty obvious in retrospect that this was how this might go down, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to force myself to think about it long enough to reach that natural conclusion. I’ve barely been able to hold it together and type this paragraph.
You know, the Met has very little contemporary art, so look on the bright side, Momma: at least your son isn’t some kind of eternal undead demon.
Panel from Slylock Fox, 9/27/15
Oh, look who’s suddenly the defender of strict laws regulating who can and cannot engage in genetic experimentation: it’s unnatural bipedal fox-abomination Slylock Fox! Slylock probably owes his very existence to Count Weirdly’s scientific advances, so I’m sorry, I think the Count and Wanda ought to be allowed to artificially create more humans via cloning, if only to restore some balance to this nightmare-world.
Apartment 3-G, 9/27/15
As usual, Sunday’s Apartment 3-G is just a rehash of what happened over the course of the week, but I feel there are a couple things worth pointing out. First of all, Tommie and Eric spend five panels outside, then very abruptly spend a panel inside before just as suddenly being outside again. More importantly, though, Tommie’s “plan” is hilariously moronic. I mean, I know she’s just trying to be inspirational, but still. “OK, here’s how we succeed. Step 1: we don’t fail. And that’s it! That’s literally all we need!”