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Comics archive! Crankshaft

Mostly soapy Monday

Mark Trail, 5/25/15

Oh whoops, sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on all the Mark Trail action, but trust me when I tell you that after this terrifying helicopter crash everything went fine and the fire was put out by helpful forest rangers and nobody died, boooooring. Anyway, today I certainly hope we’re being introduced to a new recurring character or maybe even the star of his own spin-off strip: Cheerful Suspenders-Wearing Forest Firefighter Guy! Audiences love it when he flashes a crooked grin, tips his helmet, and delivers his beloved catchphrase: “The crew has the fire under control! HA-cha-cha!”

Judge Parker, 5/25/15

Speaking of people tipping their helmet in a courtly fashion, looks like there’s a new hunky he-hunk in town to vie for Neddy’s affection! Sure, she has a sort-of boyfriend who’s in Hong Kong and who’s supposed to be coming back to Spencer-Driverburg … tomorrow? Tomorrow in strip time? Tomorrow’s a long way off in Judge Parker chronology (about eight to fourteen weeks, by my estimate), so Neddy will have lots of time to contemplate Hank’s muscled forearms and cleft chin and the fact that he works for her so she is allowed to choose him for sexual services, in accordance with Spencer law. Also, isn’t Neddy Neddy’s designer? Like, the whole point of this operation is to manufacture the clothes she … designs, right? Never mind, though, look at that boyishly tousled hair, this guy can design whatever he wants, knowwhatimean??? (I mean sex, he can design sex, with Neddy.)

Crankshaft, 5/25/15

And speaking of crooked grins, I know that lopsided sarcasm-smirks are the Funkyverse’s dominant facial expression, but maybe don’t put one on someone who you’re drawing in semi-realistic closeup? Because otherwise it just kinda looks like they’ve had a terrible facial injury that’s mostly sealed up their mouth with scar tissue, dear God.

Mary Worth, 5/25/15

“Three things! I did three things for you! I took you to a restaurant. A restaurant! Now just tell me, if I were a truck, would you report me for veering wildly across multiple lanes of traffic, or would you have sex with me? I need to know!”

Hagar the Horrible, 5/25/15

Hagar definitely stabbed that guy with his sword between panels two and three, right? Stabbed him to death? Stabbed him to death and took his pizza?

Saturday quickies

Crankshaft, 5/23/15

Philosophical question for you: if you derive joy from seeing Crankshaft so emotionally devastated that he’s thrown a towel over his head so that nobody can see him sobbing uncontrollably, are you as bad as Crankshaft? Asking for a friend.

Mary Worth, 5/23/15

“For instance, we’re probably too old to have children, but that doesn’t mean we can’t nurture this horrifying stuffed dog I won for you at the fair! We’ll treat like it’s our very own and force all our friends to stare into its uncanny face, and won’t even have to pay to send it to college!”

Slylock Fox, 5/23/15

Speaking of uncanny faces, check out these cats! Which two are exactly alike? Why not examine them intently until you can figure it out, or until you pass out while sweating and crying uncontrollably, whichever comes first?

Regardless, I think brontosaurus deserves its victory lap

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/21/15

As Chief Information Security Officer for the Holler, Loweezy routinely runs white-hat penetration tests like this one on its HootinNet® communications infrastructure. She also makes sure everyone’s properly encryptin’ everthin’, and continues her longstanding Denial of Service attack against Snuffy — the disastrous “Tater Breach” still fresh in her mind. We shall not speak of honeypots, or backdoor exploits.

Crankshaft, 4/21/15

We interrupt our “failed sad-sack theater owner runs for mayor” story for the latest skirmish in Ed’s long war on his persistent and capricious nasal blackheads (8 today!). Pam did her best, but apparently the belt sander was no match. I’d go with a 50-grit, but she’s the one who has to clean up.

“Sideophex” (dialone unmorndibab) is doubtless one of those new immunosuppressants you see all over the teevee, where celebrities or big “real-world models” stride confidently about while a honey-voiced announcer purrs, “Listen up, people – this suppresses your immune system, and you really, really don’t want your immune system suppressed. I mean, unless you want to die from one of those diseases you thought antibiotics killed off a century ago. Seriously folks, you are flirting with an iron lung here, do not take these pills. Oh, hi Ed. Three a day, after meals. First pack’s free; I’m thinking you won’t need a second. Don’t operate machinery for a while, m’kay? We’ve got plenty of machinery lined up for you later.”

B.C., 4/21/15

Wow, this one’s really hard to unpack. In case you don’t follow controversies in evolutionary theory or this strip, here’s some background:

  • Many Bible-based theories of life’s origins hold that humans and dinosaurs must have coexisted
  • The brontosaurus, long thought to be a paleontologist’s error, is back in the game
  • Ken Ham is the founder and author of Answers in Genesis, a Christian apologetics ministry and book
  • Under Johnny Hart, B.C. often covered Christian themes and sometimes explicitly proselytized.

OK, so WTF? Ken Ham presumably wouldn’t care about the brontosaurus/apatosaurus controversy, but why would he “eat (his) heart out” at evidence that dinosaurs and humans coexisted? Maybe Peter thinks Ham will be jealous that it’s some caveman who coexists with dinosaurs, and not Ham himself? Maybe it’s just clumsy phrasing, and the intent was something like, “Here’s one for you, Ken Ham”? Or maybe the new author is less committed to a religious point of view than to B.C.’s fundamental principle, incoherence? Anyway, I’m surprised that an outfit called “The Creator’s Syndicate” doesn’t take a dim view of the whole thing, and you do not want to mess with those guys.


–Uncle Lumpy