Funky Winkerbean, 10/13/14
Guys. You guys. To make up for the fact that Les forgot their anniversary last year — which anniversary, apparently, was also their first anniversary — he’s making it up to Cayla by writing a graphic novel about finding a new life and new love! You know, a new one, after his first life/love died. (That part takes up the first 40 pages of the book, probably.) If you squint, you can tell that the title of this masterpiece is The Last Leaf, which definitely doesn’t imply the end of summer’s vibrancy and the coming of a long, cold winter at all.
Say what you will about Crankshaft, but as Funkyverse protagonists go he’s not very complicated, emotionally. “Wait, I can’t have this specific thing temporarily? But I want this specific thing! And I’m going to make your life unpleasant by complaining about it!”
Gil Thorp, 10/13/14
Sorry if this is Too Soon, but my first thought when I saw panel one was that Gil was looking at a stylized depiction of an airplane crashing into the Twin Towers, which to me just instinctively made sense. “I do understand, but for now, that’s all I can tell you on that subject. But if you’re interested in talking about the melting point of steel and how burning jet fuel couldn’t possibly have — hello? Hello?”
You guys, today’s Momma illustrates a very important point: when you tell old people about how the Kids Today do things, make sure you explain all the details and don’t assume they can fill in the blanks. Like, if you say “oh, Kids Today like to send each other pictures of themselves when they’re dating,” make sure they know those pictures are on their cell phones, because otherwise you end up with comic setups like “Momma, a cute boy I met today gave me some pictures of himself! Like, actual, physical pictures! Where did he even get them?” Anyway, today’s strip takes a quick turn from “wacky out of touch follies” to “what is even going on here” as Momma … encourages MaryLou to send some other girl’s picture back? Even though the boy has already seen MaryLou? Despite all this, the thing that most unsettles me about this strip is the fact that MaryLou is wearing a baseball hat. Does she usually wear baseball hats? I don’t think she does.
Look at that face! Is Crankshaft experiencing shame? Is that even physically possible?
Funky Winkerbean, 10/9/14
“By the way … happy anniversary. I got you some passive aggression!”
Oh, Shoe, you know that given my druthers I’d prefer not to contemplate the twisted chimeric anatomy of your bird-person characters, right? Especially when it comes to the naughty parts. I try not to think about those at all. I only contemplated the concept of bird-breasts obliquely, once, which didn’t stop TV Tropes from quoting me in the epigraph of the article on the subject. Anyway, the secondary sexual characteristics of these abhorrent beings are unpleasant enough to grapple with, but today’s strip demands that we give serious thought to the downstairs situation of these monsters. Specifically: do the bird-people of Shoe have a single cloaca that serves as the end point for their intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts, like birds, or do they have separate orifices for these different jobs, like humans? Related: do they bear live young, or lay eggs? I mean, any joke about some poor woman going into labor in the midst of a natural disaster and having her child forced back up inside her so she has to give birth again and again is awful enough even if it doesn’t raise disturbing questions about the the plumbing involved, you know?
Mary Worth, 9/12/14
Welp, as predicted, Mary is already starting to justify to herself the slow fade she’s going to pull on her beloved little friend Olive. “If only there were some way to communicate over a long physical distance! If these new-fangled computers could carry a message, that would be convenient, or perhaps if some government agency or private business existed that would, for a small fee, transport written correspondence. Ah well, no point in having regrets over the impossible, I suppose!”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/12/14
You heard it here first: Mrs. Pierpont, recognizing Sarah’s prodigy-level artistic talent, is going to groom her as a master art forger, having her current aging employee train her in this lucrative craft before his eyesight goes. Hope you enjoy spending your childhood churning out fake Miros in a windowless warehouse basement “studio,” Sarah!
Crankshaft is of course an insufferable asshole, but his name is the title of the strip, which means that he is literally the reason his entire spacetime continuum exists, and everything and everyone else there has been called into being merely to further his story. When you think about it, it’s actually surprising that more characters in the strip haven’t angrily turned their back on God.