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Comics archive! Archie

Getting beaten to the punch by Michael Patterson was embarrassing enough

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/16

At long last, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Sarah Morgan’s book is available in print! As near as I can tell this strip from May 2013 is the beginning of that saga, so the whole project from genesis to execution took … just short of three years? In the soap opera comics, which move at a notoriously glacial pace? And it took me, a real adult human who lives in the ordinary timestream three and a half years after my Kickstarter to get my book out? Ugggh. Anyway, come to my book tour April 26 in Washington, DC or April 28 in Baltimore or May 2 in Brooklyn or May 5 in Buffalo, so I can outsell this terrible sphere-headed child-golem, at least!

Archie, 4/17/16

I’m sorry, Mr. Lodge, but nobody wearing that red-and-yellow nightmare has the right to criticize anybody else’s clothing choices. It’s really too bad for him that having a servant entirely for the purpose of dressing the master of the house has apparently fallen out of favor amongst the ultra-rich.

Family Circus, 4/17/16

I absolutely love how furious Jeffy looks in the rightmost panel here. I know Billy’s statement is supposed to be a response to his sour face, but it looks like it’s the other way around and he’s just so mad about this dumb aphorism. “Grandma isn’t here, Billy. The best part about Grandma not being here is that we don’t have to listen to this shit.”

Pluggers, 4/17/16

Pluggers remember when they used to be able to guide their grandchildren away from Darwin’s Satanic lies, back before their damn daughter-in-law started pitching a fit because she and the public schools knew better than the Bible.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/16

Remember, If Your Strip Ends With Even The Vaguest Play On Words, That’s Technically A “Punchline,” Even If It’s Incredibly Depressing: The Funky Winkerbean Story

Only ’90s dogs will remember

Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/16

You might be thinking, “Gee, if aging Starbuck Jones serial star Cliff Anger has a lot of movie memorabilia and is selling it for some extra cash, wouldn’t he make even more money if people knew he was the seller? Like if he, say, signed it or something?” But that’s just naive. Everyone knows that old movie actors are considered amongst a certain rarified set to be the most dangerous game. Cliff Anger thought he was playing it safe, he thought he was hiding his identity — but the hunt for Starbuck Jones may be almost over.

Judge Parker, 4/2/16

Sorry to hear that your entire retirement savings were wiped out by medical bills, Chubbs! But have you considered not retiring, and, say, using your garment industry knowledge to manage a sweatshop full of old people? That way the Spencer-Drivers will only have to deal with a couple of old people themselves, rather than an unruly bunch of them. And these particular old people will be indebted to the Spencer-Drivers, who can always remind them about the extortion racket they tried to pull! It’s a win-win for everyone, except for the Chubbs, who probably didn’t want to work right up until the day they died.

Archie, 4/2/16

I find it pretty sad that Hot Dog thinks that “Hot Dog TV” is just going to be a picture of his dopey-ass face. You’ll never make it in show business unless you’re willing to offer some razzle-dazzle, kid!

Coloring crappiness

Crock, 3/30/16

Crock may be the only comic that I’ve antagonized so much that they felt a need to do a genuinely mean-spirited strip about me, but at least I am familiar with long-running Crock jokes and traditions, which is more than I can say for the people paid actual money to help produce it for publication. Captain Preppy, for instance, is an egomaniac who likes to gaze at himself in a handheld mirror while talking about how great he is. This is well-established Crock canon. Yet somebody looked at a black-and-white version of today’s strip and said, “He’s a holding a corndog, right? Looks like a corndog. Let’s check out the dialogue in panel two. ‘Boy, am I lucky.’ Yep, that’s the sort of thing that someone holding a corndog would say. God, I wish I had a corndog right now! Anyway, paintcan tool, pick corndog brown off the color chart, bloop, bloop, bloop. Done! On to Curtis! Wonder what he’s eating.”

Judge Parker, 3/30/16

Haha, Mrs. Chubb folded immediately after like 30 seconds of fairly mild questioning from Sam. Just goes to show that if you’re going to run a sordid fake-accident-injury scam, do not enlist as your accomplice a woman for whom pearls are part of her casual, lounging-around-the-house wear. She will be far too classy to commit.

Archie, 3/30/16

Jesse Ventura ran for governor in 1998, which I guess offers some solid evidence for when the current run of Archie strips were originally written. I certainly hope that nobody was misled by this strip into thinking that Greco-Roman wrestling was a flashy, high-profile road to fame and eventual political glory.

Mary Worth, 3/30/16

“Hmm, what should I wear for my first day of class? I know: pants, a suit jacket, and a vest, all precisely the same shade of green!” –A guy who thinks about art and aesthetics, like, professionally