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Friday mostly quickies

Judge Parker, 5/25/12

It’s nice to know that I can do my best to come up with a ludicrously favorable plot outcome for a Judge Parker hero and still undershoot things. See, I thought that Avery Blackstone would sign off on Sam’s unduly generous and hastily written contract proposals only after Sam proved his fly-fishing prowess, when in fact Avery is so eager to spend some dude time with Sam that he’s willing to just skip the hard-hitting negotiations that are the entirety of his job duties. Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mark Trail, 5/25/12

“Plus, I suppose, emotionally devastated, world falling apart, blah blah blah. I don’t know her very well, so I can’t say for sure that she has basic human emotions.”

Mary Worth, 5/25/12

“But wait, Dawn, I wanted to show you my latest invention — half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart! Instead of frosting, it has mayonnaise!”

Ziggy, 5/25/12

In the post-apocalyptic future, the dwindling supplies of food are under the control of warlords and their gangs, and these thugs won’t accept the dead government’s fiat money in payment. They’ll only take payment in ammo and sex, and Ziggy is out of luck on both counts.

Six Chix, 5/25/12

The American judicial system’s hidden crisis: horny old ladies.

267 responses to “Friday mostly quickies”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MT — Barrel-chested Jason looks like he could belt out an aria or two:

    I have a structured settlement and I need a cash cow.
    Call W.P. Wigglesworth!
    877 CASH COW
    I have an annuity but I need a cash cow.
    Call W.P. Wigglesworth!
    877 CASH COW
    877 CASH COW

    Mark: “What about Al’s wife?”
    Jason: “She has a structured settlement and needs a cash cow.”
    Mark: “Call W.P. Wigglesworth!”
    Both: “877 CASH COW… 877 CASH COW… 877 CASH COW…”

    (Friday’s Mark Trail has been brought to you by W.P. Wigglesworth!)

  2. Black Drazon
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    After close examination of Ziggy’s feet and body parts, I’ve determined his spine is turned almost 180 degrees, and that I no longer fear Hell.

  3. Doctor Handsome
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    “I know money can’t buy a detailed background. But these days, it can’t even buy a simple horizon line!”

  4. Chareth Cutestory
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Don’t go Sam its a trap! “I have one condition… You and I go fly fishing for the most dangerous game: MAN.”

    Mary Worth: Skunk stripe orange hair and a matching purple pants & shirt combo… Ms. Weston, how are you still single? Lemme holla at you.

    Six Chix: “How many people are on a jury? 8? Ok, let me just draw them in here. Wait, 10 people? Ok. Huh, no its 12 people? Ok, I’ll scribble in a few more haphazardly.

  5. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    AS-M: What a sad, stunted pathetic little man! [If you think the jerk in question is Jericho Brand, turn to page 14; if the jerk in question is Hardy Laurel, turn to page 25; if the jerk in question is Peter Parker, turn to pages 26-689]

  6. CanuckDownSouth
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    JP: I’m shocked – shocked! that Mr. Mogul has accepted Sam’s proposed deal. In a Parkerverse negotiation he should heap more riches on Sam than requested!

  7. S. Stout
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    MW: “Can you put these away?” as she pushes the groceries over on to the floor. What a jerk!

    Six Chix: Crisis #2: They can only afford 8 chairs for 11 jurors.

  8. Balto
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    My GOD, those Mary Worth artists sure have a fetish for drawing doughy, bald middle age men with bad comb-overs eating sandwiches! Seriously, what IS it with the sandwiches, anyway? Is it some kind of running gag? It seems like the more we make fun of Wilbur, the more they make him do the very things we make fun of…?

  9. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    New Pop Culture’s Kids now up!

    Most of the characters in the last panel… that was my reaction when Lorne Michaels took his turn dancing with Kristen Wiig on the SNL season finale last weekend.

  10. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Sick Chicks — To the second male juror on the right: Remember, a frown is a smile turned upside down!

  11. pugfuggly
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    JP “No deal, Blackstone! It’s salmon fishing, or I walk!”

    MT Jason, if you’re going to be working in a pioneer village park, you could at least dress the part and talk like it’s the 1850s.

    MW “Dawn, what happened? Did you get my ASTA? Honey, I can’t listen to your problems without my daily fix of ASTA….”

    Six Chix Hmmm…now normally, the ‘Jury Room’ sign would be on the outside door. Is this the press club we’re looking at?

    ASM “You’ll be great, Jericho! Just listen to my little friend! ‘Salright? ‘Salright. ‘Salright? ‘Salright.

    A3G Only Nina, with her owl-like neck, can keep track of Tommie, who prone to sudden teleportation during serious conversations.

  12. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Rocky’s Fight Club for Men:

    Lucha Phantom — “Nah nah nah… you couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn!”

    Spider-Meh — Unfortunately, Hardy Laurel’s dangerous right cross is canceled out by his glass jaw.

  13. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    6C: Crisis #3: They can’t afford to hire a contractor to turn the door rightside-out, and confused jurors are constantly walking out of the jury room during deliberations.

  14. Drew Funk
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    MW: “Dad, can you put these away? My mouth has become unglued, and if I don’t hold it here, it may fall off of my face.”

    Judge Parker:
    Avery: “Mister Driver, Mister Driver. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, this drivel you wish to make a movie about would be in theaters this very day. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies, they will become my enemies, and then they won’t get to hang out in my jet with Peaches.”

    Sam: “Be my friend… Godfather?”

    Avery: “Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I will require you to go fly fishing with me. Until then, accept this service to you as a gift.”

  15. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois — Today’s revelation: Chip Flagston refers to himself as “Chip Rock”. (But his parents call him “Chip Munk” behind his back!)

  16. Doctor Handsome
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    I’m not 100% sure these folks grasp the concept of a “jury room” and what it’s for, so it’s unlikely that the sign on the inside of the door will keep them on-task.

  17. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    What is J.C. Dithers doing in today’s Herb & Jamaal — and why is he calling himself “Mr. Younger”?

  18. C. Sandy Cyst
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    How would Mark Trail even be able to recognise basic human emotions? Is he even able to grasp the abstract notion?

  19. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    JP – Let me be your diver….

    MT – Good zoning controls – log cabin motif construction only – very good indeed….

    MW – Son of’a Bitch!!!

    Ziggy – Or pants….

    6C – I foresee a middle aged woman with a Lewinski-like DNA stained dress in a plastic bag in her closet….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  20. Morndew
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):
    Do you have any idea how long it took me to get my kids to STOP singing that stupid commercial? Do you have any idea how long it will take to get out of my head…AGAIN?
    I’m going to go pull a Wilber, make me a sammich, and hope the CDS bee doesn’t get me, humming It’s a Small World and hopeing to blot out the cruel–but I NEED a structured settlement!!! AAHHH!

  21. Snowshoecat
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MW– how touching. Daughter runs past Dad in obvious emotional distress. Dad then takes a bite– okay, half a bite (how did he DO that?) — out of his sandwich before asking what happened.

    The emotional level of MW has reached a new, um, level of something.

  22. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    JP-I’m sorry I can’t go fishing. I just got a call that a friend of mine has been accused of murder. I need to go and prove he is innocent.

    JP 2-Trout fishing? That is better than what I thought. I thought you were going to ask me to help you look for a trouser snake.

    A3G-We no longer use leeches or drill holes in people’s heads to release the demons.

    RMMD-Iris, are you implying that you want to have sex with your dead father?

    FW-We all are kings and queens of the prom. That is how tolerant we have become. We are all equal. No one is above the other.

    MW-”Oh I wish I was competent enough to help my daughter with her problems. I guess I will turn this problem over to Mary a stranger with no emotional bond to my daughter whatsoever.”

  23. Digger
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    JP: “Yes, let’s go fly fishing right now…in our suits. It’ll be awesome!”

    6Chx: Mr. Frowny Face seems a little upset about this discussion of the defendant’s hotness. Or maybe he’s too preoccupied with his game of pocket pool to notice.

  24. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    JP: Hey, Rusty Trail! Careful! If you keep,uh…. smiling… like that, you’ll break your teeth!

    MT: “T RADING COMPANY”? Where they raid T’s? Wow, and I thought the sign in my strip today was odd!

    MW: Oh, gee, just WHAT ARE the chances a fat guy would be eating something in just about every scene?!?! Because only fat guys ever eat sandwhiches, of course! Damn, Moy & Giella!!!

    Ziggy: Unless you’re Wilbur Weston.

    6C: “That taker of innocent human life has got such sexy, sexy D.N.A.!”

  25. Dood
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Oh, hell, let me just spitball this by suggesting that it’s probably likely that Spencer Farms happens to have a world-class trout stream on-property. So, it’ll be a weekend of fly-fishing, wine sipping and Adirondack chair-reclining for these two titans of the entertainment business.

  26. Doctor Handsome
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    “Uh, I didn’t actually say it’s good to see you, Mark. I just said it’s been a while.”

  27. Dood
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Wouldn’t you regularly drive the porcelain bus if you had to come home and witness that sammich-consuming creature every day?

  28. Droopy Says
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    6Chix: Does this mean Donna Lewis gives technical advice to other cartoonists?

  29. Zerowolf
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    JP: Sam will be so disappointed when he learns that fly-fishing has nothing to do with “trouser trout.”

  30. Little Blue Bicycle
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Dawn leaving the store: SOB!…PAPER!!!! OKAY??!!

  31. RavenHawk
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    FW: (In an Archie Bunker Voice) “Awww Jeeezse”. Now for the M. Night Shyamalan “twist”. Undefined gay couple, win prom king & king (doubt it would be listed as king & queen). How will that be shown?

    Crowns will be given to a cardboard castle, & a cardboard rock.

  32. Zerowolf
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    GA: Mr. Dennis just called. Lucky has been adopted by the Parker-Spencer-Driver cult and dug up diamonds while burying his poop!

  33. pugfuggly
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#22):

    ‘Good night, you queens of Ohio, you kings of the midwest…..’

    @Dood (#25):

    And we get to watch! Oh, I feel so spoiled sometimes….

  34. CanuckDownSouth
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    @Balto (#8): Sandwiches are the anti-celery. We should be very, very grateful that Wilbur is continuously working against the well-known celery makes your pants fall down effect

  35. 150
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Oh my god, is Wilbur eating a sandwich AGAIN? The Mary Worth team reads Comics Curmudgeon, I guarantee it.

  36. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#10): I think that’s a pornstache.

  37. Nekrotzar
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Obviously Sam is such an awful negotiator that his proposal was lower than what Mr. Blackstone was willing to pay by two factors of ten, which is why he accepted it so quickly. If Sam had been more savvy he could have made the Judge another $9.90.

  38. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    JP: “Fly” fishing. For “trout.” Right now. I couldn’t possibly make that sound dirtier.

    MW: Dawn! Careful! You’ll spill your Asta! Wilbur, don’t let Dawn’s tantrum distract your from that tasty, tasty sammich.

    FW: The gay couple are the prom king and quee-zzzzzzz….

  39. Zerowolf
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Maybe Dawn would be more successful in relationships if she stopped calling everyone a SOB?

  40. lynn
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Oh, I WANT panel 2 as a t-shirt! I’m scanning it for a wall-sized poster in my office.

  41. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#39): And if her ass wasn’t wider than her shoulders….

  42. Doctor Handsome
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    The weird halo of intensity-lines that’s been throbbing around Dawn’s face all week has now been transferred to Wilbur’s sack of groceries. Unburdened by this curse, Dawn is now free to go cry in her room all day with her off-putting mom butt.

  43. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    FW-In honor of the gay couples at this prom there won’t be any king but queens of the prom.

  44. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    MW: “SOB!… Dad, can you put these away?”
    “Of course, but I’ll need another loaf of bread and jar of mayonnaise.”

  45. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Ziggy-Money also can’t seem to buy a background.

    Six Chix-”I would like it if the defendant put some of his dna evidence on me.”

  46. Shermy Glamrocker
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Dawn is running to the bathroom to throw up because she is pregnant with the child of one of the anonymous men who have dumped her. This will give Wilbur the inspiration to begin work on his business plan for mayonnaise-flavored baby food. He should have plenty of time because in the Mary Worth universe, Dawn will be pregnant for 49 months. And her son shall be named “Mary Wilbur.”

  47. Pozzo
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    What’s with the shot of the guy outside the Trading Company in panel two of MT? That spot is generally taken by an oversized woodland creature. You’re taking a job away from a forty-foot grouse, my blue-hatted friend!

  48. Doctor Handsome
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    “Sam, I’ll agree to suck your dick, on the one condition that I’m allowed to cradle the balls.”

  49. Johnny S
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    MW Isn’t it obvious, Walt? Her “Barney” audition went terribly, terribly wrong!

    MT For you kids out there interested in learning to draw just like Jack Elrod, here’s a tip! Take a character like Mark Trail, stretch him 5 to 8% horizontally so he’s fatter, change the color of his shirt and guess what: you just saved yourself hours of drawing up someone new!

    JP Everything you need to know about Sam is there in his frozen half-smile and dead eyes. This trip will not go as planned, Avery.

    Z Besides grocery shopping, Ziggy likes to call right-wing radio shows.

  50. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MT-”I haven’t seen you since you said we were going to go fishing but you had to drop out the last minute to help your fishing buddy in Canada with something.”

  51. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    MT: “Do you know anything about Mr. Chavez’s widow? For example, does she have a vagina? Because that would make her a prime suspect in his murder.”

    SM: “They shall feel the wrath of my deadly fist bump!”

    MW: That’s the quintessential Wilber Weston scene: a schlubby, middle-aged guy, standing in the middle of the kitchen, alone, eating a white-bread sandwich. It’s not a really a meal because he’s not sitting down, you know; it’s just a quick grab-and-go, carb- and mayo-laden snack, just enough sammichy bliss to get Wilber through that long 10 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. stretch when breakfast (fried-egg sandwich) is long past and lunch (beige-patty sandwich) is still on the far horizon.

  52. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Dilbert: written by commodorejohn?

    GF: a shout-out to LUJBEM FEJF?

    PBS: *gigglez.

    Mutts: appealing to the Poteet demographic.

    OBH: appealing to the Didactic Duo demographic.

    RwO: NSFBG!!!!!!!

  53. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    FW: Please let tomorrow’s strip feature pig’s blood and a deadly fire. Please.

  54. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .boners on the dance floor.

  55. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    A3G: “I killed my mother, and now it’s my turn to pay”? Okay, I understand Nina’s feeling nervous because her mother died in childbirth, but the idea that vengeance will now be brought down upon her is just weird—unless we’re about to see a new character, the Uterine Avenger!

  56. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    FW-”How to drag on an unnecessary storyline please flip over.”

  57. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    @Shermy Glamrocker (#46): “Dawn is running to the bathroom to throw up because she is pregnant with the child of one of the anonymous men who have dumped her.”

    Whoa, whoa, whoa…. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

    She hasn’t even been to Vienna, yet.

  58. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Morndew (#20): Welcome to the party!

    @Cloudbuster (#36): Or a “Dirty Sanchez”. (Those chicks are sick, sick, sick!)

  59. wossname
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    A3G – “Nina, modern medicine is here to help you. You’re not going to die in childbirth. You’re going to have to find another way to atone for killing your mother. Could I suggest a nice propofol-alcohol OD?”

    MW – I really think that prominent sammitch in Wilbur’s hand is a wink-wink-nudge-nudge from Moy to us.

  60. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Don’t be silly, Nina. You were just a newborn. They won’t put you on trial for murder. If they do I know a guy in the Southern Part of the State who will prove that you are innocent.”

  61. Marc
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail- I love how nobody gives a crap about Al Chavez being dead or how emotionally destroyed his widow is over the sudden and unneccesary loss of her husband. Everybody, including the sherriff, is much more sorry that Gene is in jail for killing Chavez in cold blood over a fishing camp dispute.

    Funky- Well it sure looks like the anonymous gay couple will be named prom king and queen; you know, as a gesture of tolerance. The obvious question is which one of them gets the designation of king and which one is the queen but I think the more importatn question is which one of them is the power bottom?

    9CL- That nosy bitch should probably not rifle through other people clothes while they’re sleeping. But she’s a Burber so it will be looked on as cute when in reality it’s a violation of privacy.

    Mary Worth- Dawn is about to send that lamp to smashville in 3, 2, 1…..

    A3G- Nina is definitely doomed alright. Not only is she doomed to wear that shirt with that goddam awful collar for the rest of her life but she is also doomed to having a never ending conversation with the world’s most boring helmet head.

    Luann- Yes, because that hand shake is really going to be legally binding in court. Might I add that I really, really want to strangle right now.

    BGSS- Hootin Holler, where even the children look like toothless octagenarians.

  62. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Doomed, I say. Do you hear me? Doomed.”

  63. Adam
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed that Wilbur has somehow inhaled a chunk of his sandwich between frames, whilst talking and pulling an astonished face all at the same time. Why is he single again? Oh. Oh yeah.

  64. Marc
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    I’ve never made the connection before but Wilbur’s name and mannerisms lend itself to a lot of comparisons with Wilbur the pig from Charlotte’s Web. Of course Wilbur the pig is more civilized and eloquent than Wilber Weston so the comparison is probably more of an insult to the literary character than to the sammich eatin, combover sporting Charterstone resident.

  65. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    <bJP: Trout fishing-meister Avery Blackstone has pegged Sam Driver as a patsy in the highly competitive world of fly-casting. “Sam, I’ll accept your proposal, but only if you agree to a wager. If I catch the most fish, I get Alan Parker’s third novel for free. If you catch the most, I’ll give you my private jet.”

    OK, Peaches, you might as well get out the paintbrush and stencil the name “Air Queen” on the side of the plane, now.

  66. survivor
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Shermy Glamrocker (#46):

    I think she’s about to throw up, too, since my eyes usually water up while I vomit.

    But my interpretation is that it’s more of a preemptive vomit, knowing that Wilbur is going to immediately devour everything in the grocery bag like the eating maniac that he is.

  67. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#59): Don’t think the only footlong Wilbur’s got his hands on, came from the pier at Coney Island…of course I’m not talking about his own….

  68. twg
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): I hate myself for it, but I must admit I’m amused by those operatic JG Wentworth ads.



    RMMD: Uh … way to get defensive for no reason, Drunky. You’re not a very fun drunk today, Iris. Moar flailing around in barely-closed bathrobe, I say!

    FW: … aaaaaand the nameless gay plot devices are the Prom King and Queen!

  69. Old School Allie Cat
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Better go ahead and cook up mess of asta, Wilbur – Dawn needs some comfort ood.

    FW – They’re all gonna laugh at you, Carrie! Seriously though, Glee called – they want their hamfisted plotline back.

  70. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

  71. Minarets
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Poor Dawn is so traumatized she’s careening straight into the sea-green wall without realizing it. Wilbur will commence to take another bite of his sammitch.

    MT: Hah, it’s like my childhood kit of Lincoln logs. But that’s what good upstanding manly men do, they work in woodshops where purple shovels line the purple walls and try to spring each other out of jail just because “he’s NOT a killer!”

    FW: Yes, yes, this place is full of tolerance and egalitarianism and love, yadda yadda yadda. I get it, Batiuk, stop cramming it down my throat.

    SM: Is this what superheroes do? “Whelp, no crime as far as I can see from 10,000ft up in the air! I’ll just go to the theatre! Again! Watching the same play! Oh, what a hard, sacrificing life I lead for the greater good!”

  72. Optimus Prime Rib
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart!

    Can you say Hot Pockets?

  73. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#61): Hootin Holler, where even the children look like toothless octagenarians.

    Progeria is no laughing matter:

    Athough progeria is an extremely rare genetic condition outside Hootin’ Holler, most of the people living in Snuffy’s isolated community are brother/cousins and sister/cousins.

  74. Anonymous
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#69): If tomorrow’s strip features Wilbur eating a spaghetti sandwich (with mayo, of course), then we’ll know that Moy & Giella are just messing with us.

  75. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Slylock – D: Dog is projectile regurgitating some round things at cat.
    E: Dog’s stomach is empty of ammunition. Oh no!
    C: Human goes to vet.
    B: Human returns with ammo.
    A: Human refuels dog for more fun poit-ing at cat.

    Dick“What am I holding?”
    It’s hard to tell from this angle. Invisible fishing rod?

    Smirky – “I can’t believe it! That gay kid, Arthur Stump, has been voted in as King! Oh, but only if he pulls his sword out of Rick Stone.”

  76. LP2004
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#74): #74 was me. “He’s not anonymous, he’s just mostly anonymous.”

  77. The Man Who Came Back
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Clearly an uncredited Margaret Keane guest-inked Dawn’s eyes in panel one of MW

  78. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Mary – Sammich in the morning, sammich in the evening, sammich at supper-time!

    Spider-Man – Since I’ve already used the “Tonight!” production number metaphor, let’s just say this is more like, a train wreck.
    • Jericho J. Jericho as Casey Jones, the brave engineer. He’s running behind, but he’ll make his schedule if it kills him!
    • Hardy Laurel as the rule-breaking rogue switch engine, steaming the wrong way through ol’ Heartbreak Pass!!
    • And in between them, wearing red and blue, a peanut sits on the railroad tracks. His heart is all a-flutter!!!

    @Liam (#62): Or as Earthworm Jim put it, “We’re doomed! Doomed, I tell ya! Doomed, in case you weren’t listening! DOOMED!”

  79. Peter Parker's Universal Remote
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh my. Dawn so struck by vomitous grief that she can’t even put away her groceries? Wilber’s sandwich-themed masturbation rudely interrupted (and blissfully blocked by the grocery bag)? Dawn buying bananas when they are already clearly available in the fruit bowl? The Weston home is falling apart!

  80. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Sherman’s Lagoon: I think Baka Gaijin has given Jim Toomey ideas.

  81. Horace Broon
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    DT: Wendy Wichel makes sarcastic comments about Dick’s tendency (greatly reduced under the current creative team) to throw people off buildings first, shoot second and ask questions never. Pull up a seat, you’ll get on here just fine.

    FW: At this point I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they were written on the ballot as “Anonymous Gay Couple”.

    JP: Sam knows what “fishing” means in a Woody Wilson strip, and he’s cautiously intrigued.

    Pluggers: Aging hippies are pluggers now? Seriously?

  82. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    JP: Whoever predicted everyone in comics would get to go fishing except Rusty Trail, your theory gains credence.

    MT: Ah-ha, it all makes sense now! Obviously Evil Elizabeth wanted to get her mitts on her husband’s money, so she murdered Al Chavez and framed him for the deed! Now all she has to do is sit back and wait through the lengthy trial and conviction process, multiple appeals, and the distant execution date, all while Gene is consulting with expensive lawyers and his business goes in the toilet…you know what, it doesn’t make any sense at all.

    MW: “I don’t care how unhappy you are, Dawn; that is NOT the way we treat food in this house! You get back here and apologize to the groceries this instant!”

    9CL: That’s right, Edda, you’re only worth marrying for the sake of giving your (non-existent) bastard a name. Romantic, isn’t it?

    A3G: Unless Nina is really about a hundred and fifty years old, I think the odds of dying in childbirth haven’t changed all that much since her mother’s fatal lying-in.

    FW: A cloying, contrived, implausible ending that sweeps the ugly reality of the issue in question under the rug? Yes, that is absolutely the most insulting ending you could come up with. Well done, Batiuk.

    Ann: I’d like to talk with you about ‘willful neglect.’ You know what that is, right?
    Ox: Hello, lawyer uncle, remember? It’s where someone consciously fails in or is recklessly indifferent to their duty.
    Ann: Exactly? Now, tell me: if a child bites a person, and the adult responsible for that child not only allows but encourages that behavior, do you think that counts as willful neglect?
    Ox: Hmmm…why did the child bite the person? Were they in danger of being abducted or harmed in some fashion?
    Ann: No, the adult was taking a free paper crown that the child had no right to.
    Ox: That’s all? Then yes, the adult has definitely been willfully neglectful.
    Ann: Good! Can you get me in contact with your uncle? My lawyer seems to be a bit of an idiot…
    TJ: Hey, you promised not to sue the little girl!
    Ox: She’s not, you moron. She’s going to sue the girl’s guardian.
    TJ: No, Ox, don’t listen to her! She’s evil, remember? Evil bully? Ox smash evil bully?
    Ox:….Please stop patronizing me.

    Pibgorn: TL;DR: “I offend people from all parts of the socio-political spectrum. I consider this as proof of my genius.”

    Pluggers: Having a ponytail and earring at any age is the antithesis of being a male Plugger.

  83. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#55): What kind of outfit would the Uterine Avenger wear?

  84. Red Greenback
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    “Dad, can you put these away?”
    Boy… can he ever!

  85. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    MW: This is your golden moment, Wilbur. Dawn’s too upset to eat. All those groceries are yours! Yours I tell you. All yours!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

  86. pugfuggly
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#78):

    Sammich in the morning, sammich in the evening, sammich at supper-time!

    You’ll notice that Dawn has bought oranges and bananas in spite of the fact that they already have a full fruit bowl. She does this every week, in the deluded hope that one day her father might put down the sandwich and eat something healthy. No luck yet.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#55):

    In other Avengers news, Dawn has dressed head-to-toe in purple today in honour of the superhero she most identifies with: Hawkeye, the useless one no-one really likes or even remembers.

  87. Comcis Fan
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Oh my, Jocelyn Knickerbocker on YT is right about the “naughty lady bits” in Wilbur’s sandwich. Please don’t ruin bologna for me, people. Yes, I’m a modern, educated woman and I like bologna! There, I said it.

  88. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#81): re: Pluggers: Along the same lines as 1980s top 40 = “oldies”, and ’80s rock = “classic rock”. I really hate that.

  89. Deb T
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    MT: Exactly what is the T Rading Co.?

  90. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    I miss Dingo. (semi-nsfw)

  91. Chyron HR
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    DT – Dick is assuming the memetic “Why can’t I hold all these evidences” pose.

    FW – If you think that it’s the gay couple, you’ve been taken for a ride.

  92. DOlz
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    From Josh’s comment on JP, “They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.” and then they throw it back because it is too small.

  93. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#88): = Falco’s Rock Me Amadeus….

  94. bats :[
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Ziggy: oh, Ziggy, if only you’d wheeled into the Piggly Wiggly a little sooner — you might’ve run into a dejected young lady, and the two of you could’ve led a life of creating a horde of short, bald ugly children (boys and girls). *sigh*

    JP: hell, I just want to see Peaches in the jet’s galley, working on that mean lobster salad (I suppose if I were going to get thrown into a pot of boiling water, I’d be mean, too — or somewhat peeved at least).

  95. LP2004
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Deb T (#89): The T Rading Company was founded by Tiberius Rading, who had previously amassed a huge fortune selling white bread and mayonnaise in Santa Royale, CA. Having decided that what the country needed was a chain of log-cabin-themed hardware stores, he took his entire fortune and opened 750 T Rading Co. stores across the U.S. It turned out that his brilliant idea was a result of some bad mushrooms he’d run across, and the entire chain went bankrupt and was liquidated three weeks later. However, one store, located in Lost Forest in the Southern Part Of The State, never received the instructions to close because nobody could figure out exactly where it was, and it remains open to this day. It’s very popular in the community.

  96. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MT – “Well, well,well. if it isn’t the nosey Mark Trail! We haven’t seen YOU in a while!”

    “Jason, your business must have really taken off! When I was here a month ago you were working your store out of an old tent. Now you have this entire complex of new pre-fab log buildings! WHAT is your business secret?”

    “Hard work, Mark. THAT’s my secret to success, hard back breaking work and using only my own hard earned money to build this enpire!”

    “Hey, Jason, do you know anything about Mr. Chavez’s widow?”

    “ELIZABETH? Not very much, in fact, I’ve never even met the women!”

    (stock clerk): “HEY JASON! Your girlfriend ELIZABETH CHAVEZ called. She says she wants you to bring her another case of that imported Beluga caviar from your private stock. She said she’ll be waiting for you in your bedroom. She also said to tell you to hurry, or she’s gonna cut your cash flow off and you’ll be working out of that old tent again! Oh yeah, she also mentioned something about some smoking gun or something!”

    “Um, gotta run, Mark. Business calls, as they say””

  97. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @Deb T (#89): See comment #24 for the answer.

    FW: No name listed on the card. Must be the gay couple.

    S-M: “I’ll punch the very creators of this comic strip! SEE how dangerous I can be?

    Curtis: That’s a frivolous comic book alright. I prefer the non-frivolous kind (indy/alternative).

    Edison Lee: (addressing titular main character): Seriously, what’s wrong with you?!

    Luann: The smart Ox should punch TJ in the teeth. You can bet then assault would be taken seriously!

    RMMD: Mabel’s a bona fide horrible person, but Iris is pegging her as rotten without Mabel giving her any reason to judge her that way. Hey, Woody, this isn’t Luann, y’know!

    FW: “…The winners are… Mr. A. McGuffin and Mr. Deux E. Machina! Congratulations to our gay couple for being our prom…kings!”

  98. Higgs Boatswain
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    I do recall once seeing a film called “Twelve Horny Men,” but as I recall it was not a faithful adaptation of Reginald Rose’s celebrated screenplay. I can’t honestly say I was disappointed.

  99. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Will there be kite-flying, soon?

  100. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    DT: “Noted has-been.” Now that’s a phrase worth making more popular. Especially since it describes the “stars” of pretty well every reality show on TV.

  101. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MT – “I was going to go visit the old Trading Post INMY AREA, but I think I’ll stop and check out this new corporate complex that those out of state developers just opened INTHE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE. My curiousity has been killing me to find out just what the heck a, “T Rading Post”, is. Could it be some new type of T-Ball Post? Maybe it’s some sort of new fangled cat scratching post. Or, it COULD be some sort of new device to cook pancakes in!! HEY, MAYBE they are giving away free samples!!!!”

  102. debussy fields
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    MW– “After you finish putting away that sandwich, can you put these groceries away, too? I need to vomit really bad!”

    MT–Mr. Big Gut never said it was good to see you, Mark. Not even close.

  103. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]


    FW: “…the winners are… Mr. A. McGuffin and Mr. Deus X. Machina! Congratulations to our gay couple for being our prom…. kings!”


    *for spelling correction and slightly better wordplay. But mainly so as not to torpedo any CotW possibility, however remote.

  104. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#99): I hope so. Specifically, I hope Wilbur finally snaps, crucifies Downer Dawn on a kite, and flies her from his car as he drives through Santa Royale scream-singing, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

  105. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    (Mark Trail’s sock puppet talks): “Can we visit the new T Rading Post, Mark? Can we? PLEASE, CAN we?!”

    “Yes, sock puppet, we will go visit the new T Rading Post. ANYTHING is better than being around Rusty and having to hear him constantly bager me about taking time off from my busy work schedule to take him fishing! I like you, sock puppet. I think I will call you,”MINI MARK”!”

  106. Binder's Butter Beans
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    MW: …what is wrong with Dawn’s ass? Is that what women’s asses look like, in jeans? I’ve never really been able to get a good look at my own, what with it being behind me and everything. Seriously, tell me there’s something wrong with Dawn and that I’m probably okay. Really. Somebody…??

  107. lynn
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Binder’s Butter Beans, I think we’d really have to see your ass in jeans to give you an opinion.

  108. twg
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    ASM: Ugh, why is Spider-Man always presenting. It’s gross.

  109. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Ilustrator Steve (#101): Mark Trail has a trading post in his area. Huh-huh.

  110. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: See, Brookesy, it’s like this — Gaby Hayes and Cleo the basset hound never made pronouncements about Truman or Communism (respectively). As a result, their particular “stand” was irrelevant to their work. You, on the other hand, dip your toe in every social issue there is, but in such a way that you can always claim plausible deniability. If an artist (in any medium) decides to make a statement about an issue, then it is quite reasonable for the public to ask where he or she stands on it, if it’s not made clear in the artist’s statement.

    Being ambiguous while attempting to earn praise for addressing important social issues is just a fancy way of copping out. In this regard, you are actually more of a coward than Batiuk — and that’s a pretty low bar under which to limbo.

    PS: Your references to decades-old entertainment figures doesn’t make you appear “classical,” it makes you appear completely out of touch. And again, Batiuk scores higher than you.

    Seriously, dude! Batiuk!

  111. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#106): Dawn’s having to hold her nose to keep it from sliding off her face, and her hair grew about two inches between panels. I think it’s safe to say her ass doesn’t reflect real physiology either.

  112. odinthor
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G.
    “I killed my mother, Tommie.”
    “The medical field has advanced hugely. They now do it for you!”

    Frazz. — Wow, it’s almost as if what’s important is the substantive rather than the modifier!

    Love Is . . . — . . . Sticking around when you hear tooting!

    Meaning of Lila. — She didn’t say she didn’t do it. She said she didn’t advocate it.

    Phantom. — And this week’s lovingly rendered ass award (category: male) goes to . . . The Phantom!

    #15. RS.

    Hi & Lois — Today’s revelation: Chip Flagston refers to himself as “Chip Rock”. (But his parents call him “Chip Munk” behind his back!)

    And his friends call him “Buffalo Chip” behind his back!

  113. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#97): FW: No name listed on the card. Must be the gay couple.
    No comment. I just wanted to look at it again.

  114. bats :[
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    You know, if this is the caliber of the Forths’ neighbors, Sally ought to be damned grateful that they don’t accept invitations to their barbeques…

  115. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#106): Hey – some guys like ‘em like that – the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin’. And I know many fellows that are quite attacted to those sporting the Supercuts, Prince Valiant style…though not on a woman….

  116. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    MW-Dawn’s mother felt the same way whenever she saw Wilbur too. She would throw the groceries or what not down and run out of the room sobbing.

    MT-”As soon as the land is transferred to her name I am going to pay a visit to the Widow Chavez.”

  117. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#114):

    That truly is a joke better seen than written.

  118. Chip Whittle
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Bleeker: Hey, it is! I forgot! Panic!

    Dude and Dude: They’ve been dressed like the Green Goblin all day and landlord Peter Parker hasn’t lifted a finger? He really is Spider-Man!

    Gasoline Alley: Now, the only possible reason Mr. Dennis would have for calling repeatedly with these tales of how Lucky made him a fortune would be to torture Slim, which is actually the best possible reason.

    Kliban: Classic. Excellent.

  119. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#110): Well, see, this way McEldowney gets the best of both worlds: he gets to feel superior when he states an opinion in his comics, then he gets to feel superior when his readers get offended by his vague yet condescending way of addressing the issue. It’s the egotistical gift that keeps on giving.

  120. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Ziggy – So is it just me or in panel one, does it look like his head has been 180ed? I mean the long part of his foot is facing down, right? Of course, it’s not beyond imagination, that somebody might hate him enought to do that to him. Or maybe it’s just a grotesque pose contrived by the artist, so we won’t see his penis….

  121. SF_Reader
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#114): Actually, those neighbors look like fun.

  122. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#120): Hate to break it to you, but you can see both of his feet in the background. That thing blocking them is his penis.

  123. Ned Ryerson
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    MW: Dawn’s ass looks like it might be a character from Invader Zim.

  124. Cleve Barrister
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    JP- Sam’s an idiot-anybody who negotiates for a living knows that if you get a “yes” the first time you left a lot of $ on the table. Avery’s wondering if Sam or his secretary made that proposal it was so childishly lame. Notice the shark teeth as Avery moves in for the kill-some serious chum in the water there!

    Luann- Both Ox and TJ are missing Ann’s artful dodge- no, she won’t sue “the child”, but Tony and BJ? Heck yeah!!!

  125. Chrissy the Stooges Woman :-)
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    I thought maybe Dawn was just reacting to Wilbur’s killer halitosis, caused by eating sandwich after disgusting sandwich.

  126. Johnny Knuckles
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Ziggy is reenacting the Weimar-era hyper inflation when it took a wheelbarrow of Deutschmarks to buy a loaf of bread. Soon he will join a group of radical street agitators to reclaim his dignity. Being Ziggy, he won’t need any pants when he puts on his brown shirt.

  127. Ned Ryerson
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Cormac McCarthy’s The Road,
    starring Ziggy!

  128. Ross
    May 25th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    FW: I’m guessing the election results are (or would be) more likely that one boy from the gay couple is selected as queen, and the kid selected as king is the straight BMOC. I mean, there’s no requirement that the king and queen actually be a couple, just (traditionally) the boy and girl who get the most votes each.

    By the end of next week’s strips, we’ll have same-sex dancing among the faculty/parents, to lead the school into a brighter future by example.

  129. Spotts1701
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: Forget groceries – buy some fershlugginer pants, ya weirdo!

    FW: Pause for “dramatic tension” (term used very loosely)…

    JP: “And after that we can play poker, Sam. You ever play poker?”
    “No, can’t say that I have.”

  130. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Cleve Barrister (#124): Good points! I imagine that Avery Blackstone is thanking his lucky stars when Sam’s opening price was 2 RVs, 3 thoroughbreds, two Jaguars XFs (one burnt umber, one periwinkle), and 36 hours of guitar lessons to be given by (and Sam was a real stickler when it came to this last point) a talented sullen 16-year-old.

  131. Zerowolf
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#41): In that case Mary hooks her up with Sir Mix A Lot.

  132. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

  133. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#114): Looks like Pop is already smashed making Dolly a Planter’s Punch in a martini glass.

    However, that is the most refreshing Family Circus yet.

  134. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#131): I hate Dawn W. and I cannot lie,
    You other Worthers can’t deny,
    That when that girl walks in cryin’ ’bout broken dates,
    Gets that pasty-white mug up in your face,
    You get bored, wanna jump twelve weeks,
    Into a story ’bout a Tommy who tweaks,
    Or maybe a stalker named Aldo,
    Hell, you’d even read Baldo,
    Oh baby, anything’d do,
    Please bring back Toby,
    Or that other woman looks like Robey,
    Ooh, Drama Dawn keeps we wishin’
    For a story ’bout phishin’,
    Or Ted Confy, Confy,
    Anythin’ but Dawn’s “Why doncha love me?”
    To hell wit’ her cryin’,
    And bullshit kite flyin’,
    Her face be always wet,
    With tears shooting out like jets,
    I’m tired of soapy strips,
    With broken heart stories for drips,
    Take the average Curmudgeon and ask him that,
    We gotta pack Dawn up in the back,
    So ‘Mudgeons! (Yeah!) ‘Mudgeons! (Yeah!)
    Do you want Dawn to shut up! (Hell yeah!)
    Tell’er to buck up! (Buck up!) Buck up! (Buck up!)
    Tell that girl to buck up!
    Dawn shut the fuck up!

  135. Dood
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: I don’t get the point of this, since it’s fundamentally not true. That is, unless Ziggy’s grocery store is devoid of any products whatsoever. Which is possible, considering that Ziggy’s clothing stores don’t seem to carry pants.

  136. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#135): Ziggy is to the human race what flatulence is to gas.

  137. bats :[
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Biv Alves (#134): wow. Just wow.
    (Oh, and clap! clap! clap!)

  138. Drew Funk
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Upon reflection, I have realized that Avery Blackstone is actually the father of obnoxious TAP Room host Bruce Pazner. ( They share the same manic campaign-trail John McCain grin, and I can completely see Avery telling Sam that the Judge’s writing career is “en fuego” at some point.

  139. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#y288):

    “Nonsense! Coffee and cold pizza is entirely acceptable and perfectly pleasant.”

    Cold pizza for breakfast will always have a place in my heart. It was the first breakfast the eventual/current Mrs. Shrug and I shared, and we knew there was something there when her then-boyfriend was playfully disgusted at the idea: “Cold pizza for breakfast? You two DESERVE each other!”

    For the life of me, I can’t recall if we had hot coffee with it or not, though.

  140. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    MW Heh heh! That’s funny, because when Dawn asked Wilbur “Can you put these away?” he understood it as an eating contest.
    “Is a pig’s ass pork? Of course I can put these away! And another 6 sammiches, too! Bring it on!”

  141. The Ghost of Jarrod
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    MW – I literally laughed out loud when I saw Wilbur was eating a sandwich. Wilbur may like his daughter. But he loves sandwiches.

    JP – “I will only give you this bazillion-dollar contract if you agree to go on a free trip with me! Also, would you like some gold bouillon and uncut diamonds? Peaches will hook you up.”

    FW – “I’m sorry, Lisa Moore is dead, so she’s ineligible. Les Moore is King, but our Queen will be…cancer!”

  142. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Is A3G heading toward some kind of Rosemary’s Baby plot?

    “Tommy, it’s been like this in my family for generations! The first-born female devours her mother and takes her place in the satanic heirarchy!

    “I won’t give up my place! I won’t be devoured! I can practically feel her teeth and claws already! Get this thing out of me! I can promise you untold worldly riches if you aid me!”

    Tommy: *blank stare* “Let me see what it says about this in the handbook…”

  143. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    MT: So now that Al is dead, Elizabeth will be rich. Excuse me, but wasn’t she rich already? After all, she was Al’s wife, not his heir who is waiting for him to kick the bucket. All that land Al owned – Elizabeth already owned half of it as community property, right? I don’t think she needed to kill Al for the money. She probably instead had him whacked so that she could marry her lover. Specifically, I think she was in fact having an affair with Gene. He seems to be very popular in the community.

  144. bbofun
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    MW-”But… Dawn! I’m EATING A SANDWICH! Can’t you see that? I have to savor each tiny bite of deliciousness! It will take me at least an hour! What if their are perishables in the groceries, like ice cream, or ham, or…wait, is there ham/ Because that’s what this sandwich needs! Ooooh, and maybe some ice cream, too. Ahhhhhhh (Homer Simpson drool)”

    JP- Wait- shouldn’t Avery get killed by, oh, let’s say, a passing luggage tram? And then his assistant. Peaches, have to take over? Please? (Okay, i just want more Peaches, is something wrong with that?)
    Oh, and, obviously, Sam will be such a good fly fisherman (or, more likely, will just get lucky) that Avery will decide to hire him on a contingency basis, paying him a large fee just in case Avery needs a lawyer in the area. Oh, and the job comes with a jet.

    FW- 1)Wait- how can Summer NOT be prom queen? Isn’t there something fundamentally wrong in the Funkyverse if Summer isn’t awarded EVERY accolade? Oh, wait- obviously, Saturday (or, possibly, Sunday- it’s the finale to this award-baiting- sorry, award-worthy- storyline) will be Les (or someone) consoling Summer, but she just smirks and explains that she’s the one who fixed the voting- sorry, suggested people voted for the Anonymous Gay Couple. And they all smirk happily ever after. (Oh, and Batiuk doesn’t have to actually DRAW the AGC, either, which he apparently is loathe to do- they haven’t even appeared since buying the tickets, have they? Even AT the prom?) (But how will he get around naming them? THAT’s where the ART comes in, my friends!)

    FW2)- Of course, in case Batiuk wants to have his cake and Edith- uh, eat it, too- maybe the AGC will be co-kings, and Summer will be Queen. (Also eliminating the awkwardness of having a gay student announced as Prom Queen).

    FW3)- if this all happens on Saturday, it’s further evidence that Batiuk is REALLY worried that his strip could be dropped because of this storyline- it’s comic strip “fact” that fewer people read the comics on Saturday, which is why the Saturday strip is so often a throwaway, and rarely the climax of a week’s strips.

  145. bbofun
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Man- didn’t proof the top half of the post. Used “their”instead of “there” in my MW snark. Just assume that it’s Wilbur’s mistake, okay?

  146. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#y269):

    “One character in the DC Universe who has been sexually, um, ambiguous is Doctor Fate.”

    And let’s not forget Rebis of The Doom Patrol:

  147. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    FW: Prom king will be Batiuk. Prom queen will be Batiuk in drag.

    And no, I don’t want to see this.

  148. Braniff
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    FC: Sequel to today’s panel “Daddy’s doctor says he’s got die-bettys. How much do I have to eat in order to risk getting die-bettys two?”

  149. commodorejohn
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G – And all of a sudden Apartment 3-G is being guest-written by Edgar Allan Poe. Honestly, I have nothing but praise for this bold change in personnel.

    A&J – Shaenon Garrity has said a few times in the Narbonic commentaries that her favorite kind of humor is when characters are all being unreasonable in a perfectly logical fashion at cross-purposes. Arlo & Janis seems to be finding that this works just as well for light drama.

    Archie – Maybe these two will head on over to the Westview prom?

    A.D. – Obligatory link to early beer culture, awaaay!

    Curtis – Who wouldn’t?

    DT – …wha…? Uh, okay then. [*]

    Dilbert – Oh. Ohhh. The scariest part is, this isn’t even an exaggeration. [*]

    FW – Ha ha, oh, I see people up there speculating about how this will conclude the arc. I don’t want to get too spoilery, but let’s just say it’s entirely in keeping with what we’ve witnessed thus far. [*]

    GT – …yeah, this relationship is going to continue getting weirder, isn’t it?

    HOTC – Oooh, Dean finds a chink in the armor.

    HN – Zing.

    JP – Please let him mean that in a Rex Morgan sense…I can’t wait to watch Sam try to remain smug while being extremely uncomfortable.

    Jumble – I’ve seen better Peter Cushings, but the skeletal sunken cheeks are certainly dead-on.

    MW – Am I a terrible person for finding Dawn’s heartbreak to be a source of great mirth? Well, even if I am, Wilbur’s barely looking up from his sandwich is even better.

    Monty – Oh, when Monty is on, it’s on.

    Pluggers – Now just a God-damn minute here, you can’t spend nineteen years being all “Pluggers are the down-home old-fashioned God-fearing salt of the earth” and then try to change it to “Pluggers are washed-up post-hippies.” What, is your old demographic dying off too fast?

    RMMD – *deep breath* It…begins.

    Ripley’s – Sea pigs are a sick joke of nature.

    SF – God, I love this strip.

    SM – Three disparate panels, none of them interesting.

  150. Alter Ego
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    love is… Horny.

  151. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    JP: “See, I never got to go fly-fishing with my dad. He was a big nature writer, supposedly, although I’m not convinced his magazine ever existed. But he always had things to do, people to punch…”

    MT: Truly bizarre things result when Elrod tries to draw a fat person. Either that or Jason is a shipwreck survivor who now wears a fully inflated life jacket under his shirt at all times.

    MW: Wilbur will have to put the groceries away one-handed, since as is so often the case his right hand is welded to a sandwich. When you say there are a lot of white bread characters in Mary Worth, it’s metaphorical for most of them.

    WofI: Hey, that’s cheating! The king’s only got six peasants he needs to knock down.

    C-Shaft: I see where this is going. Soon the kid that Crankshaft hired will be murdered, and the kid that used to cut his lawn will be the main suspect. Keep an eye out for nicotine gum wrappers.

    Archie: Breast-to-breast combat starting right here.

    BB: “Beetle’s a taxidermist too. Turns out that case of heartworm I had was something more serious.”

    HtH: If you’re going to rob the shipmaker shouldn’t you pick one weapon so you’re not so encumbered. I know, I know, nobody likes a backseat driver.

    DT: Cut! Listen, Tracy, you got the hand gesture right but you flubbed your line. It’s supposed to be, “Mamma mia! Now thatsa Italian!”

    GT: Crush? Yes. On your girlfriend? Not sure about that, Mr., ahem, “Pitcher.”

    Blondie: All you can eat nuclear chili? So Blondie won’t be letting Dagwood sleep in the same bed on Saturday nights.

    Luann: “So the mighty oxman saves the little girl from the evil weeniequeen.” TJ, if you’re listening to yourself, it’s obvious even you don’t believe this shit.”

    S-M: MJ forgot her pompoms.

    M-Dawg: “The bilious acids will come next, and the burning, and the melting of flesh.”

    A3G: The whole medical field is just, like, so totally advanced now.

    SSmith: If you’re looking for a mentally scarring image to kick off your Memorial Day weekend, you can’t beat redneck children calling out the wrong name at the height of ecstasy.

  152. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    A3G “I still feel doomed!”
    Welcome to Westview, Nina!

    @150 (#35): Oh my god, is Wilbur eating a sandwich AGAIN? The Mary Worth team reads Comics Curmudgeon, I guarantee it.

    Must be some kind of distraction to keep us focused on the sammiches. What could they be up to?

    @TheDiva (#82): RE: Luann Thank you thank you thank you!
    Now, how can we hijack the strip for a couple of days?

    @pugfuggly (#86): You’ll notice that Dawn has bought oranges and bananas in spite of the fact that they already have a full fruit bowl. She does this every week, in the deluded hope that one day her father might put down the sandwich and eat something healthy. No luck yet.

    Banana sammiches?

  153. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#110): He’s being uncommonly honest when he writes “What I think about politics could be placed in a paper bag and left flaming on someone’s doorstep. I believe it frequently is.”

    Ring the doorbell and run, that’s our man.

  154. Señor Tortilla
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

    Pibgorn – What a DICK. Although McEldowney being a “card-carrying conservative liberal reactionary radical socialist hippie button-down Catholic Atheist gay straight smart stupid male chauvinist bitch” does cover most of the bases. Except maybe “smart”.

    Bizarro – Am I the only one Veronica looks a bit like a Disney Princess?

  155. Hart of Johnny
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Does Mark Trail have Asperger’s Syndrome?

  156. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#151): SSmith: If you’re looking for a mentally scarring image to kick off your Memorial Day weekend, you can’t beat redneck children calling out the wrong name at the height of ecstasy.

    Yes, but Samanthy Jane’s okay with it when Jughaid calls her “Sis.”

    MT: Truly bizarre things result when Elrod tries to draw a fat person. Either that or Jason is a shipwreck survivor who now wears a fully inflated life jacket under his shirt at all times.

    Or Kevlar vest. You can’t be too careful with the Widow Chavez around.
    She’s awful-mean when she can’t get her gum.

  157. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    FW: I’m betting it’s our Champion for Tolerance, the principal, and Summer, for leading the get-out-of-class protest. After all, Batiuk’s shown us repeatedly that straight people who defend gay people’s rights are more worthy and interesting than actual gay people (who shall remain nameless and faceless, and serve only as the putative reason for straight allies to give themselves cookies and congratulatory back pats).

  158. lynn
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    I have not read FW today (busy day, but never too busy to keep checking the CC!), however, here is my informed prognostication: Summer is Homecoming Queen because she’s so special. Gay kid is King. They kiss. She gets Kaposi’s sarcoma.

  159. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152):

    Must be some kind of distraction to keep us focused on the sammiches. What could they be up to?

    I know! One of these days they’re going to sneak an emotionally compelling, morally complex story with believable characters right past us, and while we’re too busy snarkin’ on the snackin’ and crappin’ on the color monkeys, we’ll have completely missed the 21st century’s answer to Sons and Lovers.

  160. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#78):

    “Or as Earthworm Jim put it, “We’re doomed! Doomed, I tell ya! Doomed, in case you weren’t listening! DOOMED!” ”

    Or as Lady Counterblast’s butler Spasm put it:

    “We be all doomed! I’ve got a touch of the dooms meself!”

  161. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#142): Oh, that’s perfect. For the capper, Satan appears at the child’s “unchristening” and sees Margo. He tries to run but she tackles him, screaming something like “Where’s my money, bitch?”

  162. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#83):

    “What kind of outfit would the Uterine Avenger wear?”

    Well, for starters, instead a cowl, a caul. . .

  163. towels
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: Are we sure that Wilbur hasn’t just accidentally glued a sandwich to his hand? Or is this the bottom of the slippery slope that conservatives keep warning will happen with the advent of gay marriage?

  164. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#139): Then this song is for you. (Though I can’t endorse the “warm Coke” part.)

    Speaking of which, this song works pretty well for today’s BG&SS.

  165. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @towels (#163): I seem to recall Rick “Man-on-Ham” Santorum saying something along those lines.

  166. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    FW: Prom King and Queen should be the brave authors of the Student Handbook, who didn’t explicitly prohibit gay students from attending the Prom (because they were as oblivious to their existence as everyone else in this story has been). Alternatively, the Prom King should be Becky’s Dad, for his inspiring example of tolerance by telling his wife to sit down and shut the hell up, woman.

  167. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#114): Did you put a Pabst Blue Ribbon in PJ’s paws? Frank Booth approves!

  168. Alte Ziege
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    JP: Let’s go fly fishing… for trout… nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean?

  169. Charterstoned
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Say, Mudges, I think the time has come for us to collaborate on a Comics Cuisine Cookbook. Think of the possibilities, if we could but capture some of the recipes from the panels of our favorite strips. Fleshy LoFo Flapjacks. Wilbur’s Meat-Tart Sandwich (good one, Josh). The Bum Boat Bumf___ Buffet, where all manner of amorphous foodstuffs can be found. There’s a swell money-making venture in there, somewhere.

  170. Charterstoned
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    I’d be willing to come up with Asta Rimavera.

  171. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#114): Family Circus
    So…PJ drinks PBR?

  172. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    9CL: In a shocking twist, Edda discovers Amos has been taking the male birth-control pill.

    C’haft: If Ed has enough energy to do as much gardening as they show him doing every year, shouldn’t he be mowing the lawn himself? That would be great, because if he did, there’s a chance he might step in a gopher hole, fall over, accidentally pull the lawnmower over his foot and cut it off, then bleed out while his daughter and son-in-law silently watch and pray from the kitchen window.

    DT: I only know one thing you hold with that kind of gesture… Dick.

    JP: “Yes, I’ll agree to everything! Why wouldn’t I? I’m in a great mood ’cause I’m watching ‘Flipper’ on my glasses-mounted TV! These things are awesome!”

    The Hateeachothers: “Now that Leroy’s unconscious, I’ll have to lift the party gazebo into the backyard myself. EE-NUK-CHUK!”

    PMP: I don’t know why, but every time I see her lying on the analyst’s couch, I envision Dr. Frankenstein hooking up electrodes to her neck bolts.

    Pluggers: You know you’re a Plugger if your hearing aid is light brown to match your head fur BECAUSE YOU’RE A HIDEOUS HALF-ANIMAL HALF-MAN TRAVESTY OF NATURE.

    RMMD: Iris’ face in panel 3 is one of those neat things where you can cover up either half of the face to reveal “hidden” personality traits. Let’s see, right side, lost and empty young woman mourning her father, left side, AAAHH EVIL SORCERESS WHO WANTS TO EAT MY STILL BEATING HEART AAAHH AAAAAAHHHH

  173. bats :[
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#149): yay! Happy Birthday, Star Wars!!

    @Shrug (#162): HAR!

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#167): indeed I did. I can’t speak for Phoenix/Paradise Valley, but PBR is experiencing a resurgence at classy dives in Tucson. (Some greasy spoons actually serve it in paper bags so the can won’t slip out of your greasy mitts, too!)

  174. Jonn
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    Then kiss.

  175. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#151): MT

    (Mark gathers his thoughts, along with two purple shovels from Jason’s T Rading Post)
    “Hmmm, Jason has either gained a lot of weight or he has an inflated life jacket under his shirt. …Hmmm, if that’s an inflated life jacket under his shirt it must mean that he’s been in a BOAT recently, which means Jason MUST have murdered Al Chavez! …I’m calling Bill Ellis because, THIS will make a good story!”

    (Thank you to Artist formerly known as Ben for the idea, which was gathered by Mark’s sock puppet without permission).

  176. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152): Elvis used to dig fried peanut butter and banana sammiches…not to mention, I can definately see Wilbur (in my head, I always say that in the Mr. Ed voice), slumped over with his pants around his ankles and dead on a toilet….

  177. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152): You’re welcome. The only way I can endure Luann these days is to shut it out in favor of a much more satisfactory alternate reality.

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#157): Oh God, I think you’re right–at least about Token Black Nate; his wife will probably end up as prom queen because that’s the only reason I can think of for her being in the strip this week. That’s the only thing that could possibly be stupider than an “the evil strawwoman has been defeated; let’s celebrate the gay couple who will have no more obstacles in their lives, ever!” ending.

  178. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Ilustrator Steve (#175):

    “Furthermore, we know the killer has given up smoking, and when I saw Jason he was not smoking! That proves it!”

    In detective terms, this is known as The Non-Smoking Smoking Gun.

  179. flatsixes
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Random observations:
    1) There’s log cabin church in today’s strip. It has no cross. A Sign of the Apocalypse?
    2) It’s been 15 days since we last heard from “Trish,” and Mark decides to visit a store that sells shovels. Coincidence?
    3) Fat Jason greet Mark with “We haven’t seen you in a while.” Who is the “we” to which he refers? Does he have a multiple personality disorder? Or his he hiding someone under his shirt?
    4) Asked a straight question whether he knows anything about “Mr. Chavez’s widow,” Fat Jason answers “Elizabeth?” Why? What is he hiding? Is whoever is hiding under his shirt named Elizabeth?

    I can’t wait until tomorrow to find out.

  180. pugfuggly
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152):

    Maybe, but only if there’s a thick layer of pastrami, mayo and processed cheese on either side of of the banana…

  181. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    MT – (Mark makes a stop at the newly built corporate headquarters of the T. Rading Company):

    “Hello, welcome to the T. Rading Company. HOW may I be of assistance to you today?”

    “Hello, My name is Mark Trail, avid environmentalist and meddler of crime investigations. I have come here to the T. Rading Company corporate headquarters to see Mister Rading. Is Mister T. Rading in today?”

    “I’m sorry, Mister Rading is in dispose today.”

    “Well, when T. Rading gets his butt back here from Dispose, tell him he’s wanted by me for questioning in an unsolved murder case! …By the way, WHERE the hell IS Dispose, anyway? It must be somewhere in the NORTHERN part of the state, because I’ve sure as hell never heard of any place named, “Dispose” in my area, and I am very popular in my area, my community, and the entire southern part of the state!”

    “Please be seated, Mister Trail, and one of our associates will find an employment application for you shortly.”

    “I don’t want a job, I WANT to talk to Mister T. RADING!”

    “I’m sorry, WHAT did you say your name was again?”


    “Oh, you must want to talk with TOM Rading. Tom works over at Jason’s Trading Post down the road. Mister Rading can’t stand him, or his scheming friend Elizabeth Chavez!”

    “Hmmmm, THIS will make a good story!”

  182. BeckoningChasm
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    I know why it says “Jury Room” on the inside of the room, but it still looks pretty stupid.

  183. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    The Jury Room is of course on the other side of the door, as it is clearly labeled. This group that’s milling around outside it is the lynch mob.

  184. This Guy
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    For your loss of faith in humanity: the other day I was at a red light behind a truck that had one of those horrible Calvin-peeing-on-the-Ford-logo stickers. Right next to that sticker was one of a female Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo. Yes, I didn’t think those stickers could get any more tasteless, but by God, that redneck son-of-a-bitch found a way.

  185. Tmdess
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy! Soylent Green is Ziggy!

  186. mr12ozcan
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#106): dawn has a flat ass and in purple jeans thats very unattractive plus she doest want to develop the other skills flatass womanlearn o keep men happy

  187. Not Worth It
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#143): True. And considering the estate taxes, she’s probably broke. Land isn’t cash, so when a person dies with a high-value non-liquid estate like this, often the property needs to be sold to pay the tax. Since you need the cash right away, you can’t wait for the optimum time to sell, so you either need to sell low, or get a high interest rate mortgage. I think the one with the windfall here is Uncle Sam… Mark, care to investigate what the IRS was doing at the time of the murder?

    (PS: Sorry to get all political here, but this is why I don’t think there should be estate taxes on property that the heir kind of already owned (spouse or children… when you inherit from your uncle you never met, ok, that should be taxable.))

  188. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    MW-Sorry Dad but I see you have a sandwich, and the way you eat a sandwich is like the way people make love. It’s bad enough knowing that you had sex but I don’t want to see it and that is how I feel about your sandwich eating.

    MW 2-Dawn saw the way her father eats a sandwich once and ever since she has been so scarred that she doesn’t want to be in the same room as her father when he eats a sandwich.

  189. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#118): D & D — The Dude on the left is actually the Hobgoblin — NOT the Green Goblin (the Dude on the right). A No-Prize to the first person who correctly tells us which character appears earlier in Spider-Man chronology!

  190. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-Hell, I can’t even afford to buy a gun to end my sad sorry existence.

  191. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152): Oh, man, now you have me in the mood for a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich (not fried, Elvis-style). To quote Wilber Weston, Sandwich Maven: “Mmppeammummnnbbbunnnah am ((nom nom)) mmmbbaammmaaammaah shammm((nom nom))issshesss ah wuunnnahhfulll ((nom)).”

  192. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Ilustrator Steve (#175): Now that there is a stupendous feat of deduction.

  193. The Ridger
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    FW: Since this is “student-voted” I call the principal and the horrible old woman get elected King and Queen, ’cause everyone wants to see them have to dance with each other.

  194. The Ridger
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#86): Dawn is actually in purple for The Glorious 25 May … no, that can’t possibly be. That would mean she’s a member of the Klatchian Foreign Legion and That Cannot Be.

  195. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines (#152): Banana sammiches?

    A fried peanut butter and banana sandwich — like Wilbur’s idol, Elvis Presley!

  196. The Ridger
    May 25th, 2012 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    SM I hope somebody has reminded Jericho that they start with scene 1 and proceed to the end of the script, with no retakes and no reshooting to get the other actor’s face this time.

  197. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#191): That sounds like the guy that took my order at a drive-thru recently.

  198. KreatureFeatures
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: Prom Queen is the Westview Scapegoat, and Prom King is Wilbur’s sandwich.

  199. commodorejohn
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#184): Okay, who do I kill? I’m not even stopping to think, just point me in the right direction. This shit’s gone far enough.

  200. Chance
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix is an argument against the idea that the established zombie dinosaur strips should move aside for young “hip” “fresh” cartoonists.

    Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Six Chix that was drawn with a modicum of talent or contained any humor-like elements of any kind.

  201. Government Cheese
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m late to the party, as usual.

    MW: Eh what’s her problem? Ah, screw it, I’m going to Jimmy Johns and eat till I poop.

  202. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @KreatureFeatures (#198): Then Wilbur can have a scapegoat sandwich.

    Simple to make:
    1. Take a piece of bread.
    2. Slather with mayo.
    3. Put scapegoat on bread.
    4. Add another piece of bread on top of scapegoat.
    5. Enjoy!

  203. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

  204. cj
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    Parker: If anything could cement the assertion that the Parker-Driver clan is den of sin and evil, it’d be Sam making a deal with Doctor Octopus.

  205. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#173): Happy Birthday, Star Wars!!

    Hey, I like Lucas, but he ain’t no Shakespeare. Speaking of which:

    On May 25, 1977, Communist China lifted the ban on the works of William Shakespeare. (Banned because of ideological differences. And NOT because Chairman Mao’s wife — a former actress — had trouble pronouncing all the Rs
    in Shakespeare’s plays!)

  206. Fashion Police
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#61):

    …that goddam awful collar…

    We concede that the shirt is “goddam awful,” and that Mr. Bolle’s rendition of the collar is less than appealing. We suspect that Mr. Bolle is the grown-up version of Mr. Wilbur Weston, plumping his walker about the senior living facility in a mayonnaise-stained velour track-suit and bedroom slippers.

    However, there is a place in the world for frilly collars. They ought to be part of Mrs. Mary Worth’s uniform, with a little cameo brooch, cardigan sweater, mid-calf skirt and sensible shoes. Does one not immediately think of Mrs. LuAnn Powers as a frilly-collar girl, should she ever return from Wyoming South Dakota? What about Bernice, or Mrs. Rose Gumbo, (shudder) when not in Vicki-the-Biker mode, or Mr. Ted Forth? Or imagine what a nice blouse with a frilly collar would do for the public image of Miss Summer Moore, or for Mrs. Cherry Trail.

    To paraphrase Mrs. Mammy Yokum, “We has spoken!”[sic] More frilly collars, mule!

  207. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#205): Lomeo, Lomeo. Whelefole alt thou, Lomeo?

  208. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#203): Yeah, but the other way around.

  209. Marc
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus- PJ looks like he’s getting ready to have sex with his ice cream cone. Somebody had better tell that kid that you’re supposed to eat it not fuck it or things are going to get really messy really quickly.

  210. Marc
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#206): A frilly collar would make Summer looks slightly less like a boy.

  211. Ilustrator Steve
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    MT – While Tub-o-Lard ™ chats with Fists-o-Justice ™ in the T. Rading Company Store, some purple-pervert trys to abduct a little purple kid right under their noses! Go Get him, Mark! You can clobber him with one of those purple shovels, as long as you don’t hurt the little purple kid, he may be a friend of Rusty’s!

  212. Benron
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Did anyone see the fawning profile of Batiuk and FW on the CBS morning news today? I know their ratings are low, I may be the only viewer. Lots of good stuff on how Batiuk takes on “serious” issues. I threw up a little in my mouth.

  213. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

  214. Sgt. Stoned
    May 25th, 2012 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    MW: Watching Wilbur eat a pink slime sandwich is enough to make me puke!

    MT: “Elizabeth? Other than her exact breast size and the fact that she gives great head, I don’t know much about her.”

    H&L: Man, where do I get a cool poster that says ROCK! like the one Chip has?

    BB: Let’s see, Sarge: Your dog always wears clothing, including a necktie, and stands upright on two legs. And you’re surprised that he talks?

  215. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#118): Kliban: Classic. Excellent.
    Unfortunately, the guy who’s fourth from the right is actually the one hiding.

  216. Dennis Jimenez
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#214): I don’t think it’s pink slime – I think it’s Nutella, The Original Hazelnut Spread®….

  217. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#216): I think it’s actually Wilbur’s own special home-made spread, which consists of pink slime, Nutella, Marmite, and just enough Mallow Fluff to keep them all from separating.

    He also uses it as a, how do you say, personal ointment.

  218. Spotts1701
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#213): I stopped watching after the part where they mentioned he “does research” to “stay current” – I just couldn’t suspend disbelief any further.

    And yeah, 7 strips out of 400 refused to run the storyline. That’s not even 2% of the papers that carry the strip. Compare that to 1993, when around 100 papers either asked for replacements or outright canceled FOOB over the Lawrence story arc. Or the 2 dozen or so that requested replacements in the Mike-Deanna wedding arc because of the fact that Lawrence was going to be the best man in the (second) wedding. If anything, the low number of replacements could be an argument that this story is nowhere near as “controversial” as Batiuk thinks it is.

  219. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#218): Yeah, I watched the whole interview but the worse was after the interview was over and the three presenters were talking among themselves gushing over Tom Batiuk and Funky Winkerbean.

    Probably a reason why I don’t watch the CBS morning show.

  220. Rixtremism in the Defense of Libertines
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    @Charterstoned (#170): Lucky Vera!

  221. Biv Alves
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#219): Blergh. Straightwhitegman Tom Batiuk isn’t the one who is brave or heroic or daring here. Real live same-sex teen couples who try to go to their proms are the brave ones. They are literally risking life and limb in some cases just to have some good teen fun with the rest of their friends. Batiuk, on the other hand, is whoring someone else’s struggle so he can rack up some Serious Writer cred without the hard work of serious writing. I’d say fuck him, but he doesn’t deserve to get laid till he learns to treat his characters as subjects to be explored and not objects to be exploited.

  222. Shrug
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#184):

    Presumably the “Bad Girl” decal about 3/5s of the way down this page?

  223. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#214):

    H&L: Man, where do I get a cool poster that says ROCK! like the one Chip has?

    Maybe from the U.S. Geological Survey?

  224. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#210): A burqa would make Summer look slightly less like a boy.

  225. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#213): Am I the only one who misread the headline as “Same-sex pr0n storyline featured in comic strip”? (Now that’s cutting edge!)

  226. Zerowolf
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    My guess on Prom King and Queen. Summer and Les Moore. After all Summer is the scion of Blessed Dead St. Dead Lisa, Our Lady of Carcinomas and Les, Avatar of Creator Batuik was the faithful consort of Blessed Dead St. Dead Lisa, Our Lady of Carcinomas. Who else in the World According To Batuik would be deserving?

  227. Señor Tortilla
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#218): I like to think that he maybe Googled “same sex prom” and got that one where a lesbian couple was denied entry in some Southern school, which was kind of overblown on both sides, and then did a same weak search on the opposition and got a bunch of Westboro protesters. Two shallow “researched” items + ego boost = GLAAD award + publicity. Well, he’s certainly getting publicity, which is what he wanted. And good publicity, too: one of the reasons he wrote it of course, was to get in the good graces of the media, and lucky for him, it comes at about the time Obama has spoken up about it.

    And you know the really sad thing? We’ve all been mocking Les about how people think “Lisa’s Story” is a wonderful piece of literature, and yet in real life we get people praising Batiuk for what a wonderful person he is.

  228. bats :[
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#222): wow. “Classy” doesn’t even come close…

    @Biv Alves (#217): eww.

  229. Dave
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    In the next Mary Worth story line, Wilbur dies of a heart attack.

  230. The Ghost of Jarrod
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Spotts1701 (#218):

    Bingo. This would have been a really brave strip to run in 1992, and a pretty brave strip to run in 2002. In 2012? It isn’t even edgy.

  231. pugfuggly
    May 25th, 2012 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#194):

    “Dad, this is the last straw, I’m running away to the deserts of Klatch to put my horrible past behind me!”

    “Oh Jesus, Dawn, how many times do we have to go over this. That was a comic…” *

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#195):

    “Oh Elvis, millions know your music, but only I devote myself to your lifestyle!” /crams another sandwich into his mouth/

  232. Fashion Police
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#210):
    Indeed. As would the (not necessarily frilly) ladies’ shirt it would be attached to, nicely-tailored slacks – we don’t insist on a skirt, although it wouldn’t hurt her to have one or two in her closet in case she’s in the mood – and a pair of low-heeled shoes not intended for athletics. Actually running a brush through her hair and a little bit of makeup (Keisha can show her how) would help as well. She could even wear something other than a sports bra.

    Miss Moore could look like a girl if she wanted to. If she really wished to make a commitment, she could find someone other than Mr. Batiuk to draw her. Not the full Manley treatment, but someone like Ms. June Bridgman, who knows how far it is to too far.

  233. Mr K Martin
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    FUNKY WACKYBEAN: And the Prom King and Queen are….(drumroll)……Beetle and Sarge!!!!!

  234. Calico
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    “Meat Tart”-no wonder Dawn can’t hold the puke back any longer.
    This is almost as nasty as Paula Deen’s Crispy Creme hamburger.

  235. Mike Lukash
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Great. We now have another two weeks of Edda silently running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

  236. Calico
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Biv Alves (#217):
    Let’s not forget the Vegamite he throws in that thing!
    (Props to Colin Hay and Men at Work)

  237. seismic-2
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    Batiuk does research? Like the forensic tests that the Army uses to identify the remains of dead soldiers?

  238. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Biv Alves (#221): This. It’s transparent – and disgusting – that his interest in gay people is only that they’re the means by which he can get back pats and cookies; I sincerely doubt that he genuinely cares about gay rights issues per se. (I also suspect that he’s one of those people who talks about having “gay friends” as if they’re some sort of proof of his superiority, instead of being, well, his friends, who happen to be gay.)

  239. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Mike Lukash (#235): *points finger dramatically into the air* BACK TO VIENNA!

  240. Calico
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#148):
    Of ice cream and sandwiches – I’m watching Food Network from my NH hotel room and they’re showing “Best thing I ever tasted” – a chef whose name I’ve forgotten already makes Gelato sandwiches – with Brioche.
    Speaking of that Die-O-Beeties …

  241. greghousesgf
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @Alte Ziege (#168): Say no more Squire!

  242. Calico
    May 25th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    Mark, Jason never indicated that it was good to see YOU. Your social filter (if you have one) needs adjusting.

  243. ccg
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    ‘Judge Parker: Don’t go Sam its a trap! “I have one condition… You and I go fly fishing for the most dangerous game: MAN.”’


    Seriously, what kind of world to the writers of JP live in where you just sit there and have undeserved and unnecessary money, presents, and success – not even opportunities, because those require work – showered on you with no effort whatsoever on your part? It’s like reading nothing but the last five pages of every chick-lit novel in the bookstore.

    Imagine if the characters in JP secretly yearned to be failures. Their world would be an unimaginable living hell. No matter how hard they ran away from wild, over-the-top, overnight success, they would keep tripping and falling in it.

  244. demoncat
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    mw. dawn what happen why are you running away without putting away the groceries is this some new teen fad?

  245. Chris Smigliano
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    SC: Several years ago, we actually had a case like that here in Salem! We had a criminal (I can’t remember the name right now) Who got caught in the act, had the evidence stacked against him , and was so arrogant that at one point he fired his attorney and decided to defend himself..Thing was, he was very good looking, and many people simply refused to believe that he could be guilty (in and OUT of the court!) It was a miracle that he actually got put away, but many were going gaga over him!

  246. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Great. Sailor Twain ended its web-run, and all I have to look forward to now is how Foster’s funeral is going to go, and if Mabel and Iris are going to have a hair-pulling name-calling cat fight.


    In other news, I found at this other site, this challenge:

    May 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    If the two gay kids show up again before May 31, I’ll send $10 to the Lisa’s Legacy Fund. If Batiuk actually gives them names, I’ll send $20. If he makes them regular characters who hang around Montoni’s all day being all gay and stuff, I’ll make the Lisa’s Legacy Fund the contingent beneficiary of my employee term life policy.*

    *Donor reserves the right to define “regular character.”

    I think that money is not going anywhere.

  247. Professor Waldo Wigglesworth
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    Trail Marker: I’m surprised no one’s recognized Jason from the JG Wentworth television commercials. He’s the dude in the Horrible Hagar Hat!

  248. Liam
    May 25th, 2012 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-Oh Sarge this is just a hallucination brought on by you eating too much of Cookie’s cooking.

  249. Señor Tortilla
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    I wish Batiuk could learn to draw AND write. He’s so self-absorbed in himself, he won’t read other things and gain new knowledge on writing. He also needs to really focus on some things or exit the genre entirely. What is FW supposed to be? A soap strip? A strip where old people sit around and make bad puns? The wacky hijinx of high schoolers? A political soapbox? Focus on one thing or another. If Owen’s chullo really does hide a zombie wound, then I’ll eat my own hat.

    Also learn to draw. Mopey Pete is the only one that resembles something besides the hatchet face everyone else has. It’s like you have a variant of the Buckley B^U.

    As much as I’d like Summer to start resembling any female from Judge Parker, that still wouldn’t save her because a) it would look like Summer got breast enhancement surgery and b) it won’t save Summer as a character.

  250. Dale
    May 25th, 2012 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix -

    Remember the Menendez brothers juror(s)?

  251. Vince M
    May 25th, 2012 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#34): Oh dear god. I’ve thought it – I can’t unthink it!

  252. Ilustrator Steve
    May 26th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

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    (Jellybelly Jason): “No Mark, not just anyone, I only sell that type of gum to your wife, Cherry. I have to special order that type of gum for her and her friend, Al Chavez. Cherry would come waltzing in here with Al Chavez regularly to buy the gum along with a few bottles of wine and Zig-Zag rolling papers. They would always make reservations ahead to stay in our most fancy log cabin luxury suite. Cherry would stay here with Al every time you went away on those wild goose chases of yours. Now that someone murdered Al, we really miss seeing the two of them together because they were a cute couple who were obviously deeply in love with one another. It seemed Cherry found something with Al that she had never had in her life before she met him. Word has it Al got her pregnant again, for the fifteenth time! Where the hell have you been,Mark?”

    (Mark): “So, THAT clinches it! It was CHERRY who left this gum wrapper on the ground! I always did suspect her as being a DIRTY LOUSY LITTERBUG! Boy, am I going to have a stern talk with HER when I get home! Um…Jason, do you happen to know WHERE my home is?”

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