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“Everyone has something wrong with them”: Cheery news from the comics section

Crankshaft, 9/18/12

One of my favorite things about Crankshaft (sorry, don’t have time to figure out all the levels of irony involved in my spontaneous decision to apply the word “favorite” to Crankshaft there) is that even when its characters are just bandying dumb puns back and forth, their facial expressions make it look like they’re the last survivors of a genocidal assault that took their entire families. Normally this is just a result of the vague sense of anxiety and unease that pervades the Funkyverse, but in this case Jeff is probably worried, with some justification, that his wife’s mind is going, and she’ll soon be an irritated, malaprop-spouting shell of her former self, just like her father.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/18/12

We often see the same situations over and over again in Hagar the Horrible, and as I’ve said before, I’ve come to believe that this is because events in the strip are playing out in a nonlinear narrative. Thus, every castle raid shown is really just a different moment in a single castle raid, every strip that features Hagar and Eddie in the dungeon is a different moment in the same stretch of imprisonment, etc. “Hagar and Eddie on a desert island” is another repeating trope, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen the rest of the crew of Hagar’s ship similarly marooned with them. Still, I’m going to assume that this is again the same shipwreck, and what we’re seeing here is the early days of their time as castaways, before the turn to cannibalism.

Archie, 9/18/12

The silent, expressionless way Archie’s mom is staring at her son is pretty harrowing. Don’t complain about static cling, Arch; you’re lucky she can operate the dryer at all, as she appears to have taken many, many quaaludes.

Family Circus, 9/18/12

“Either that or the house is on fire, and the two of us will soon sizzle and cook like bacon in a pan. We’ll just have to wait and see! Have I mentioned that my home life is so oppressive that I don’t care whether I live or die?”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/18/12

“And then, once the paralytic drugs we’ve laced the wedding cake with kick in, we’ll laminate everybody and hang them on walls all over the house! We’ll never be lonely again!”

Mary Worth, 9/18/12

“Take you, for instance! You’re terribly crippled emotionally. I can tell by the way you dress. Which, admittedly, is visible. All too visible, frankly.”

Mark Trail, 9/18/12

HA HA RUSTY YES CRY BITTER, FLESH-COLORED TEARS

255 responses to ““Everyone has something wrong with them”: Cheery news from the comics section”

  1. Droopy Says
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Mary Mirthless: Is it possible for a missing arm to be visible? Should this koan be greeted with the sound of one hand clapping?

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Avery has had just about enough of this nonsense. Back in Hollywood, where he comes from, folks don’t stand for this kind of pot-growin’, wishy-washy moral relativism!

    MT: No, no, Rusty—it’s a single tear, and you need to wait until the sheep killer has carelessly tossed Sassy on the litter-strewn ground. Now, let’s try your Crying Rusty close-up again.

  3. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    MT – I’ll get you my ugly – you and your little dog, too….

    MW – He’s no fool – even with this brief encounter, he know’s the Weston clan has all the soul of a ham on rye….

    FW – Must commence seance – consult with Lisa on brides maids dresses….

    FC – Yummy – fresh slaughtered hog!!!

    Archie – She goes running to the shelter of her mothers little helper – no, it’s not you Archie, it’s another dildo entirely….

    Hagar – Who will be first to be voted off the island? Where will they bury their shit? Is it high or low tide? Stay tuned….

    Crank – OK, don’t follow the strip, but computer related impotence jokes are always a hit….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  4. Justin
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    My lack of tact and passive-aggressive self pity used to be what was wrong with me, but nowadays it’s considered ‘armless behavior.

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: If Max’s box of DVDs up in the attic is anything like Jeff’s, err shall we say “unconventional,” collection of DVDs, then you’d understand that look on his face. You’re about to learn a lot about someone else’s preferences, real fast.

    Mary Worth: “It’s just with my stilted way of delivering a sentence… it’s audible.”

  6. Mark B.
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MT: It beggars belief that Rusty is so stupid that he’d give up his life just to be together with his puppy right away when he could just take a short walk back to his cabin and have his mom call the authorities and accomplish the same thing safely just a little more slowly. Ah, who am I kidding, this is Rusty we’re talking about here. A box of rocks gets insulted when their intelligence is compared to his.

  7. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    @Justin (#4): Absolutely disarming….

  8. AndyL
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more depressed dinosaur.

  9. sporknpork
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Judging by the look on Jeff’s face, at least one of those floppy DVDs will be labeled “Crankshaft”.

  10. Noel Schornhorst
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Oh, Sassy, these tears are all your worth. When you decided to speak through Josh about how it’s time to hitch your wagon to a new star and leaving me to get shot, you thought I couldn’t hear you.

    But I could, Sassy. I heard every word.

    We could have had a happy life together, Sassy. But no one betrays Rusty and lives.

    NO ONE.

  11. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#5):

    Crank: “You’re about to learn a lot about someone else’s preferences, real fast.”

    Given that Jeff’s wife, aka “Girl Jeff” is essentially Jeff with a different dye job, I think we know all we need to about his preferences.

  12. Hibbleton
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MW: ..with me it’s visible.. like my missing arm ..which is exactly the opposite of “visible” ..ha ha ..but seriously, speaking about sensory assaults, what’s with the haircut?

  13. S. Stout
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MW: As Jim continues his tale of woe, Dawn slyly reaches out to feel his nub. Will it remind her of Dave, though?

    Crankshaft: That’s the look of a man who just realized his wife looks exactly like him, only with a different hair color.

    Luann: It’s time newspapers start dropping comics whose authors can’t be bothered to create new strips. It’s even worse when you consider Evans said he was going to start caring more about his strip.

  14. pugfuggly
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft ‘Floppy DVDs’ in this case refer to a very specialized genre of ‘gentleman’s interest film’.

    Archie I dunno, to me Mrs Andrews’ expression says that she’s concerned that her son would spend so much time taping socks all over himself for such a stupid gag.

    MW “…kind of like your drooping, Picasso-esque face…”

    MT “Poor Sassy. She probably doesn’t even realize that I’m running away right now…”

  15. sporknpork
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Uh oh, the artist for Mark Trail ran out of his green Rose Art marker.

  16. Mark B.
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#13): The bad thing about the LuAnn reprints is that it reminds you of how relatively worthless the strip has become. It used to have something to it, instead of repeated set pieces with the same 5 or 6 characters. There hasn’t been an interesting character in the strip since Dirk disappeared. My theory is that his corpse is in a plastic barrel in Brad and TJ’s basement.

  17. Man's Eternal War On Insects
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    The strip’s sudden transformation from Hi & Lois into Zippy½ left most readers confused, but pleased the manga-reading pinhead demographic.

  18. Mark B.
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    One thing Rusty has in common with his dad is the unnecessary compunction to express every thought by saying it aloud, even when making a sound which could reveal his location might not be a good idea.

  19. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#18): Rusty’s probably saying, “Cry, cry… tears, tears, tears” right now.

  20. Spiff Bereft
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    MT: Clearly Rusty has no intention of giving himself up to prevent the impending live dismemberment of Sassy. He’s ugly, not stupid. “Poor Sassy” indeed.

    MW:
    Dawn:”You have all the pity I’m not saving for myself.”
    New Guy:”I derive peace of mind by imagining everyone is hideously deformed on the inside.”
    Dawn:”Life is disarmingly brutal.”

  21. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Hi – Whoa! The Flagstons have one of those newfangled, 20th-century toilet gizmos! First time we’ve seen one in their house? If it works like they say it does, they won’t have to leave Trixie out in the yard all the time any more.

  22. sporknpork
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    “Eeeee Ooooo”? So is the Keane family being pursued by the French police?

  23. Crankenstank
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Ah, Mary Worth, Inc. Nice touch drawing the “amputee” so you can see his arm stuck under his shirt. Dawn is totally buying it.

  24. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Mark – “Poor Sassy!” says Rusty, moments after his first visit from the Reality Fairy. “I’m really gonna miss that little dog.”

  25. Doctor Handsome
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    “Floppy DVDs”? What the fuck is that even the stupid wrong name for? Did Crankshaft’s emergency stash of bologna slices turn shiny up there?

  26. Widdle Jeffy
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    The first time this circle ran way back when the caption read,

    “Don’t worry, that is just the fire department coming to put out the burning cross on the front lawn. Dad and his hooded friends have issues. “

  27. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Lost Forest, look out – Rusty is now under the control of Son of Sassy….

  28. Jobiska
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Did Archie just pull his fresh-from-the-dryer jeans on in front of his mom?

  29. TheSilentG
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MW: “Everyone has something wrong with them! Scout’s honor!”

  30. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

  31. agony
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    I’ve gotten to hate the characters as 9CWL so much that even today’s harmless, even rather sweet comic just has me muttering “Fuck off Amos” under my breath.

    Wait a minute – wasn’t Edda fired? Why is there a humungous poster of her – just her, no other posters of other members of the troupe? Or is that on the wall of Edda’s building which Amos is leaving after sleeping curled up in her doorway all last night?

  32. Horace Broon
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    GT: He didn’t say “That I do!” I’m almost disappointed.

    RMMD: An interesting insight into the tortured mind of Rex Morgan; yes, like Sam Driver people keep on giving him stuff for no reason, but unlike Sam, who just smugly accepts this as his due, Rex is haunted by the thought that this leaves him obligated to other people. And he hates other people.

  33. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    The Phantom
    The Ookabollapongas had trouble in their home,
    ‘Cause a big jungle cat wouldn’t leave ‘em alone
    They threw their longest spears right straight at her head
    And made darn sure that lioness was dead!

    But the cat came back, the very next strip,
    The cat came back, they think that she’s a demon
    ‘Cause the cat came back, and it made all the elders flip.

  34. Evan
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    I think Jeff’s expression suggests that she’s stumbled on his porn, his many floppy DVDs of porn. Label it ‘Max’, he thought. She’ll never look there, he thought.

  35. seismic-2
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    MW: Dawn: “Sorry about your arm.”
    Jim: “Sorry about your hair!”

    MW, Panel 1: “Sorry about your arm.”
    “Why? There’s nothing wrong with my arm. See? It’s perfectly OK. Look here! Oh, you mean the other arm?”

    Panel 2: “Oh my God!!!! How did that happen????”

  36. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    R=R – “There’s Danny — he’ll pass on in six years, following a prolonged illness.” Pasquale’s guardian angel knows everybody’s schedule!

  37. The Ghost of Jarrod
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    FC – Actually, that’s Bil’s intruder alarm. It goes of when one of…er…them enters his house.

    JP – Finally, we’re getting somewhere. Sam knows all about getting paid for doing nothing.

    Luann – Luann has always been a bitch.

    MT – Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! So yummy and sweet!

  38. feralcanadian
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    I thought this season of Mudlark football would be so bad that the only bright spot would the Irish chaps coffin corner punts giving the other team bad field position. Turns out he might be a little more useful….

  39. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Family – “Sounds like PJ just sent somebody under the cornfield.”

  40. Marc
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @TheSilentG (#29): Ahhh you beat me to it.

  41. Mibbitmaker
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    New PCK is now up!

    Michelle LaFemme, meet…..

  42. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Luann: This “Vintage Luann” thing makes them both look like a couple of dumpy old whores. Of course, the current Luann makes them both look like a couple of flitheads.

    MW: Yes! EVERYONE has something wrong with them. Just take a look over at the Funkyverse. It’s too bad the one-armed bandit band director got hooked up with the fat pervert comic-book guy……

    Love is…: Strapping an elephant’s heart to the roof of your car.

  43. Doctor Handsome
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    “What’s wrong with me is visible!” Sure, kid. No way are you crazy to the bone. I sympathize(call 911!).

  44. TheDiva
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Hey You! Yeah, you! Check out my new side project running in tandem with Musical Hell Reviews, Know the Score! It’s a shorter, less-snarky look at all things soundtrack related. Click on my handle and enjoy!

    C’shaft: Since 3 1/2″ floppies had very little in common visually with DVDs, I assume Pam has found some old 5 1/4″ discs, which would make Max in his mid-30s at minimum. (Come to think of it, when’s the last time we saw Max? He could very well be a married professional with three kids, and avoiding his family for obvious reasons.)

    FW: Given that the wedding is (I think) in under three months, having it at home is the only realistic option. Even Montoni’s doesn’t book with such short notice.

    MT: Sassy: “Don’t do it, Rusty!….No seriously, don’t you even think about coming here, I’d rather take my chance with the poachers than following your idiot ass around.”

    MW: And Dawn has her awful helmet hair and lilac blazer with a black T-shirt and imitation pearls and a nose that looks like a prizefighter’s been at it! It’s meant to be; they have so much in common!

  45. tb4000
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    SF: I laughed too hard at Ted’s line in the last panel, because it comes off as a weird non-sequiter but you can’t help thinking, “did this really happen?”

  46. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    LUANN – Character drift is a problem in many long-running comics. Someone brought in as a one-joke punchline hangs around and becomes part of the cast, even though they don’t really fit. The problems start when they start filling roles that they weren’t written for.

    TJ is a great example of that in Luann. He was supposed to be the grinning, unsavory confidence man who tricks B-Wad into Zany Schemes. But as he has hung around and become B-Wad’s roommate and, now, agent of vengeance against the evil Ann Eiffel, the fact that he has no plausible backstory is a problem. Why has he spent months working at a minimum-wage job? We were led to believe that he had an undefined source of independent wealth. Why is he now pining for a promotion instead of being solely focused on Ann’s downfall?

    This week’s legacy strips remind us that Luann is an even worse case of not updating the character to fit her new role. 1988 Luann was a plain, boring Everyteen. The herione of the strip, the counterpart to the evil Tiffany who is popular with the boys because she is attractive.

    Of course, the strip of today has every boy in Pottsville pining after Luann and her amazing inner beauty, while Tiffany is friendless and unwanted. But the actual Luann character hasn’t updated her behavior to match her new status as, essentially, the Alpha female in her (tiny) school.

  47. TheDiva
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    9CL: Edda is so super-special and wonderful that her ballet company agreed to produce full-color posters featuring her showing off her new ring, even though, you know, she doesn’t work for them anymore.

    Luann: Wow, if you had told me Luann had actually gotten more attractive and less loathsome as the years have passed, I would have laughed at you.

    Pluggers don’t realize half of those coupons expired in 2005, or are for places that went out of business.

  48. Austria
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Crank: Ha ha! It’s funny, because the middle-aged lady doesn’t recognize whatever the crap middle-aged thing is up there.

    FW: SALLY FORTH DID THIS ALREADY

    Luann: It’s funny for all the wrong reasons.

    PBS: It’s like Garfield and Nermal, but a heck of a lot better.

  49. Marc
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    9CL- @agony (#31): Those are exactly the first two things that I thought of. Fuck off Amos and why does the world’s most beautiful, FIRED ballet dancer get posters of herself all over the place? And what is Amos, 5 years old? Him drawing a ring on a poster seems to be about the equivilent of writing your crush’s name all over your notebook. Although emotional maturity has never been Amos’ strong suit.

    A3G- So Lu Ann is either hoping to pull an Amos and Edda and bang on a rock in broad daylight in the middle of central park or she is going to kill Greg and dump his body in the Hudson.

    Mark Trail- Uh oh, the Rusty Robot has sprung a leak.

    Mary Worth- “Dawn, I may have only known you a few minutes, but I can already fill an encyclopedia with all the things that are wrong with you!”

    Luann- Luann was just as unpleasant the 1st time she went through 11th grade as she in her 20th time.

    Funky- The wedding will of course be officiated by a picture of dead Lisa, Cayla will wear Lisa’s wedding dress, and dinner will consist of mercury infused, Lake Erie sturgeon squares. They were Lisa’s favorite until they gave her the cancer.

    Family Cirucs- Young Billy Dee Williams there should probably start running if he knows what’s good for him.

    Hi & Lois- Chip’s Rusty like habit of vocalizing all of his thoughts has done him in again. That and not locking the door.

  50. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#47): The joke was that Amos drew the ring on.

  51. Marc
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Cranky- Prett sure Girl Jeff just stumbled upon the porn stash.

  52. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#46):

    TJ could care less about money. Evans revealed that TJ has some sort of secret bank account or fat trust fund. The promotion he seeks at Weenieworld gives him more power there, and thus, more opportunity to undermine Ann Eiffel.

  53. Callidus
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MT: Nevermind Sassy, it looks like Rusty is being swallowed by Old Man Willow! Rusty call on Mark Bombadil!

  54. Greg
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Is this the beginning of a Cabin in the Woods scenario? Will the term “floppy DVD” activate the IT nerds who download hardcore pornography and viruses to your hard drive, sarcastically?!?

  55. Jeff B.
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MT: Rusty’s not crying flesh-colored tears. We’re finally seeing a Mark Trail character’s face melt.

  56. Justine Case
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    FC – The parents are having sex in the next room.

  57. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Don’t sweat it, Rusty. These guys will probably leave the cabin door open anyway.

  58. Esther Blodgett
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    I demand a Funky/Sally Forth crossover! I want Sally’s mom and creepy Gerald to move in with Les and Cayla for no good reason! Then I want Ted Forth to decide that he and Les are besties and hang around endlessly talking about Star Wars and Transformers while Les’ smirk grows ever more strained! Then I want everyone (but not any of the Sally Forth people) to get cancer! Yes! YES!

  59. gleeb
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#52): Sure. TJ killed his parents to get hold of their money, so he’s got nothing but free time.

  60. Pete
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    The nonlinear narrative theory for Hagar was previously mentioned here.

  61. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#52):

    TJ could care less about money.

    As could we all. I wish I cared less about money.

    The promotion he seeks at Weenieworld gives him more power there, and thus, more opportunity to undermine Ann Eiffel.

    How long did B-Wad actually work there before he was fired and subsequently re-hired when “Sanchez” was deported? A few weeks?

    I’ve compared this before to an Itchy and Scratchy plot, where TJ works his way through the ranks, biding his time. Another three years and Ann is a VP at Corporate, while TJ runs three stores. Eventually, he marries Ann and they raise five children and fifteen grandchildren together.

    Cut to 40 years later. TJ and Ann sit in rocking chairs on the porch. TJ brings Ann a glass of Splenda. Ann drinks it.

    “HA! IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE! I TOTALLY SPIT IN THAT!!!”
    “Why?”
    “For Bruce, my old roommate who you fired for incompetence.”
    “Bruce? Who?”
    “Bruce or Beavis or something. He died 30 years ago when the cookie dough in his blood blocked his arteries.”
    “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
    “He worked for you for about three weeks in 2012. Remember?”
    “Sorry, I don’t. But, good gag. Now, bring me another glass.”

  62. Chip
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    “Let’s grab the dog! Then the kid will come back and let us shoot him! I’m sure he won’t just run home and call the cops or anything!”

    The only thing more distressing than the inept criminals’ “plan,” is the fact that it’s going to work…

  63. skeltometer
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Those aren’t tears Rusty’s crying, that’s either glue or that milky fluid that is in the synths in Alien and Aliens. He’s a synth! Waiting for the Alien tail to skewer him… Waiting…

  64. Illustrator Steve
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    MT – It not only seems the highly toxic radon levels found in the soil around the Bighorn Mountain sacred indian burial grounds and ancient arrowhead picking grounds has turned the ground cover white but also has had a devistating effect on any remaining intellegence these stiff stick figure idiots may have ever had. It also appears the high radon level prevents dogs from making any sounds while trying to bark. WHAT ever you do, Rusty….DON’T BREATH THE AIR!

  65. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Frazz: raspberries, as opposed to alter boys. . . . *ducks*

    Dilbert: true dat. *weeps*

    GF: Who’s on first?

    SBp: hey, it’s recycling.

    GT: works for less than the strong safety, amirite?

    JUMBLE: FINE DINING is two words. You forgot the space.

    OBH: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

    rMC: “Zima” jokes do not age well.

  66. Illustrator Steve
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    MT – HOW many different Rustys do they use in this dumb clip-art comic strip? And WHAT the hell is Victor Mature doing in this strip holding a de-barked puppy by it’s neck? That old fart actor guy died decades ago! And WHAT’S with the snow-covered ground in mid-September!?

  67. Calico
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#22):
    Ha, I thought it was Scotlard Yard or something.

  68. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    MT –

    “Ok, we got the dog!”

    “Duhhhhh. Why we wanna get the dog, Ralph, I thought we wanted to get the boy, huh Ralph?”

    “Shaddup, you knucklehead! We got the dog, see, and that means we gonna get the boy too!”

    “Whadda ya mean, Ralph, whadda ya mean we gonna get the boy too?”

    “Listen up, you imbecile, I’m only gonna say this about a half-dozen times. We got the dog, right?”

    “Right. We got the dog!”

    “And the boy, he loves this dog, don’t he?”

    “Well, based on his behavior, I’m not certai – sorry – I mean ‘Yeah, he loves his little dog!’”

    “So, when the boy sees the dog is missing, what is he gonaa do?”

    “He gonna cry and cry and cry!”

    “Yes. Cry. And then he is gonna come out to get his dog back!”

    “But, we ain’t gonna give it to him, right boss?”

    “Right. You got it. Now, where did that dog go?”

    “I put him down, he looked like he needed to pee.”

    “You knucklehead!!!!!!”

  69. Calico
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

  70. Nekrotzar
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    My first thought on reading today’s FC: I now know far more about the melonheads’ parents’ sex life than I ever wanted to.

  71. Alter Ego
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    love is… exchanging that knowing look after you’ve cleverly stashed the bodies in the luggage. The airline will lose them, and no one will ever know.

  72. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Lolcat be trippin’.

    IRL Mister Mind.

    a little something for Poteet.

    one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    Star Wars, anime style *pukes rainbows*

    standing is hard. (ikkle giraffe)

    down-under otterpup. (from Perth)

    corgsqui.

    corgsqui squared.

  73. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Austria (#y150): *googles Tiffany/Debbie Gibson*

  74. Holly Folly
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Ha ha Dawn’s fallen in love with a life sized Ken doll.

  75. Peanut Gallery
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#71): That’s gotta be it. I mean, how many extra sets of pearls and bow ties could they need?

  76. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Holly Folly (#74): With the same anatomical features as a Ken doll (sans one arm – I mean you’ve read Hemmingway, right?) – poor Dawn can’t catch a break, but then, Life is Brutal….

  77. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#Y243): “It’s possible Twain wrote the doggerel, but he claimed he was just reporting an existing verse. But you know, he did make stuff up.”

    That’s a terrible thing to say about one of our greatest writers. You take that back!

  78. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Jim’s dialogue is so stilted and laden with dramatic pauses, I’m beginning to wonder if his full name is James Tiberius Kirk.

  79. Hogenmogen
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MT:
    Sherriff: There they are! Those kidnapping sheep poachers! Let’s get … wait, there’s a dog… a cute puppy dog! Hey, guys, can I pet him? Awww… just look at those adorable eyes! Alright, I’ll let you two off with a warning. Bring that li’l critter around the police station anytime, y’hear?

    If Rusty were smart (he’s not, that much is obvious), he’d figure out that the poachers can’t shoot the dog or they lose leverage. Scenario 1: Rusty stays hidden, and they can’t bring themselves to harm the widdul puppy dawg, so there’s no reason for Rusty to give himself up. Scenario 2: Rusty stays hidden, and the guys who shoot sheep now shoot a widdul puppy dawg. Now there’s no reason to give himself up.

  80. Mibbitmaker
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Crank: “…really floppy DVDs… melted DVDs….. evaporated DVDs…. Man, he really ought to take better care of his DVDs!”

    Archie: She must be a really clingy mother!
    ~OW!… OUCH! ….stop hurting me…!~

    FC: “Daddy can’t cook in the kitchen at all. And mommy is a disaster grilling outside. Amirite, genders…?”

    FW: “Here?! Listen, Cayla, and listen good! I don’t care WHAT The Diva says, any wedding of MINE is only gonna happen at MONTONI’S! GOT it?!? GOOD!”
    (and, even then, Cayla didn’t have the self-esteem to leave Les’s sorry ass)

    MW (meta): His missing arm was all too visable yesterday, too — as a silhouette!

    MW (also meta):
    “Like, Dawn, you dress like an old lady. What on earth would cause you to do that?”
    “More like who….”

    MW (not meta at all): Visable?! It’s a whole freakin’ ARM! Dismemberment is more than just some visable thingy! Honestly!
    [Fist-waving Craig Ferguson]Take THAT, person who actually
    has to suffer that horrible problem![/Craig]

    MT: Look… Rusty is crying! Aw, that poor 28 year old man…!

  81. Mibbitmaker
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#80): …..visible…..

  82. Red Greenback
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    FC: “However, if it reaches the ‘ting-tang walla walla bing-bang’ stage, run like hell!”

  83. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Frazz: Another weighty theological conumdrum! Where is pastordan to explain this to us? (sigh)

  84. Chad Sexington
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Omigod! This Mary Worth dreamy-guy-with-one-arm plot is sooo delicious it just MUST be fattening! I love how he glances over at his arm-stump with a look of combined annoyance and revulsion as if a pigeon had just crapped on his shoulder.

  85. Hogenmogen
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Everyone has something wrong with them. Just with me it’s visible. Of course, under the surface I’m just as messed up as other people. There are the average neuroses, addiction to pain meds, there’s the waking up screaming in the middle of the night drenched in cold sweat… You know, just an average PTSD / psych patient. Why are you looking at me like that? Did I accidentally mention the criminal record?

  86. wossname
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Archie – Uh – heat does not cause static cling.

    BB – Haha, it’s funny because Beetle is going to die of anaphylactic shock.

    Curtis – I call BS – yesterday when Curtis was outside Michelle’s door, he didn’t have the whistling thing going on (and it would have, when he said “Just what the world needS.” Or this another one of those nonlinear narrative thingies?

  87. Bud
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    “Actually Jim, it isn’t… visible… um… heh… er… hey! How ’bout those Mets? Amirite?!”

  88. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#77): That’s a terrible thing to say about one of our greatest writers. You take that back!
    It’s okay! I used a phony name.

    @Hogenmogen (#79): Now there’s no reason to give himself up.
    Especially since nothing can really happen to Sassy. Like that time Sassy stepped in a trap, and they thought he was a goner! But she came back. And the time she got dropped from a helicopter and Rusty was worried. But she came back just fine, and more playful than ever. Then there was the time she wandered out into the street and a car zoomed by, and she came back just fine, only a slightly different color. That puppy will outlive us all!

  89. Dood
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: “Yep, that’s definitely the fire alarm. The Klaxon would indicate that someone’s breeched the compound’s defensive perimeter.”

  90. Buck Ripsnort
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    BC: Last I checked, this strip had what, seven characters? WHO THE !@#$% IS LINDA?

  91. Dood
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @Callidus (#53): Hey there, ho there, derry down dillow! Who is in need of Mark Bombadil-o?

  92. Hogenmogen
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    I call BS on Crankshaft. Pam is of the demographic where she worked with floppy disks (3.5″ and probably 5.25″ also) for over a decade while they were the predominant portable memory media. DVDs never really became a prominent media for computers, due to their inability to be recorded over. CDs, certainly, for a time, but DVDs have been a movie media. So for Pam to make a stupid mistake in phrasing is as unlikely as it is unfunny.

  93. Hogenmogen
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Hagar: Do we even know these guys’ names?

    Eddie: One might be called “Sven”. There’s always a “Sven” in our crew.

  94. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Crank: I wonder what this joke* will look like in 100 years. “Look at these outdated video file formats! DivX… vivo… QuickTime….”

    * Term used loosely.

    FW: “The female does not make decisions. The female will be silent.”

    JP: Must… control… vertical hold challenged glasses of death….

  95. bunivasal
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Archie, that’s really not an appropriate use for a “lifelike” statue of your mom.

  96. Santa Royale With Cheese
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    S-M: I see Clown-9 has been taking “pull various items out from behind your back” lessons from Bugs Bunny. Actually, I’d settle for an appearance by Bogs Bunny, and have Dolan Duck axe-murder this strip.

  97. Red Greenback
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    “Iron Eyes” Rusty reminds us to Keep America Ugly.

  98. bats :[
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

  99. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    RMMD So Rex is one of those vulgarians who wear shorts when traveling by air? Forsooth. Air travel used to be serious. A man would wear a coat and tie. It was like going to church.

  100. Panda Queue
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    MT:
    “Why did we grab the mutt? We want the kid!”
    “You’ll see!”
    “No, seriously, the kid was standing right next to the dog, why didn’t we grab him?”

  101. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    CRANK – Hey, let’s count our blessings. We get an awesome shot of Girl Jeff’s ass today! Crankshaft’s daughter. Now that is something that, that, th …..

    REPEAL RULE 34!

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#99): Air travel used to be serious. A man would wear a coat and tie. It was like going to church.

    Now, it’s like riding a bus. Cram into the vehicle, try to grab a good seat, hope there isn’t a fat guy sitting next to you wheezing for the entire ride.

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Cow and Boy: Day two of the crisis. America in peril! The fate of the Republic hangs in the balance. Has Obama made a statement on this yet? Romney? No?!

    // And they expect us to take them seriously! Pfui!

    // If you haven’t already, visit cowandboy.com. We’ve lost CdS, and it can’t be helped. We can’t afford to lose C&B.

  103. Hogenmogen
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    “HEY KID! WE HAVE YOUR DOG!”
    “YEAH, GIVE YOURSELF UP, KID!”
    “WE WILL SHOOT YOUR DOG!”
    “The dog is running away!”
    “Weren’t you going to tie him up?”
    “Did I SAY that I was tying him up?”
    “Ha! There’s the kid!”
    “Got him!”
    “HEY, DOG! WE HAVE THE KID!”
    “GIVE YOURSELF UP OR WE SHOOT HIM!”
    “Hey, get back here, kid!”
    “Weren’t you going to lock him in the cabin?”
    “Did I SAY that I was locking him in the cabin?”
    “Ha! I just grabbed the dog!”
    “KID! WE HAVE YOUR … where the fuck did he go??”

  104. Chaze126
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    9CL – I am very confused about where Amos is and where Seth and Edda live. Amos is supposedly leaving Seth’s apartment building, but there’s an Edda poster outside. Do they live in an apartment within the conservatory/auditorium?

    RMMD – Christ Almighty, I travel enough without having to suffer through the Morgans’ bookings, cab ride, plane landing, baggage pickup etc. Is Travelocity the new sponsor of the strip? And it ain’t over yet. What kind of non-excitement will we experience during the cab ride to the apartment building? “You’re Señor Morgan, no?”

    GT – Just when I thought I was out of that claustrophic apartment with the idiotic conversation, Darby pulls me back in. It’s becoming more difficult to root for my former favorite strip.

    Frazz – Go to Hell. Really, just go to Hell.

  105. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#33):

    “The Ookabollapongas had trouble in their home,
    ‘Cause a big jungle cat wouldn’t leave ‘em alone”

    The cat is probably after their rare Pee Wee Reese baseball card.

    // (Obscure Reference of the Day Department)

  106. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#35):

    “Panel 2: “Oh my God!!!! How did that happen????””

    As I suggested a couple of days ago, it happened because he foolishly checked “arm donor” on his driver’s license renewal form.

  107. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — Oh good, no one else finds this remotely amusing either.

  108. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#44):

    “Click on my handle and enjoy!”

    Not touching that straight line….

  109. Chaze126
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    GT – I played lots of football. I follow college football and the NFL closely. I have no idea what Gil is talking about or what he’s asking Terry to do. Go out there and cause some concussions? Smack around your teammates some more?

    ASM – So C9 hits a Chippendale dancer in the face with a pie. Impressive.

  110. Mibbitmaker
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Doones: Hey! Vaudeville!

    ReFOOB: At a nearby home….

    “It’s the Pattersons, dear. We have to put all our good food and things into the garbage, and keep and consume our…. well, garbage… from now on. (pause) Something about the dog…”

  111. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

  112. odinthor
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#93):

    Hagar: Do we even know these guys’ names?

    Eddie: One might be called “Sven”. There’s always a “Sven” in our crew.

    Hagar: Are you sure?

    Eddie: Well, there always is svenever I check!

  113. Chaze126
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MT – I’ve never rooted for a dog to have rabies, but I’m sorta thinking about it now.

    MW – Dawn, hearing “fairy” and not “ferry” believe she know’s what’s really bothering Jim. Besides that arm thing, you know.

  114. Chaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    The cookies love that 126. I take it out, the cookies put it back. Maybe I should stop arguing with them.

  115. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#104): No no, you don’t understand. Amos is methodically seeking out all the posters of Edda throughout NYC and drawing rings on them. It’s not as if he spends much time on his alleged career — most of the time he’s bonking Edda, wandering around with Edda, wandering around on his own, or making a public ass of himself. He’ll be busy for awhile, though, because this is the Brookiverse, so posters of Edda are absolutely everywhere. Also, the bonking has been temporarily shut down because of the engagement, so he has lots of free time.

  116. Dood
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Is anyone else wondering why Archie possesses so much knowledge about doing the laundry?

  117. mvg
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    DT: The artist apparently consumed a little too much sherry over the weekend, as Lizz’s cast has migrated from her left arm (Fri) to her right arm today.

    Crockofshaft: OK, so what’s it going to be? Will they discover Max’s old porn-stash, or will this be a comics-page replay of the recent “hoard of priceless vintage baseball cards discovered in Ohio attic”? Or will they perhaps uncover a painting of a young, witty, congenial Crankshaft — which obviously works as a portrait of Dorian Gray in reverse?

  118. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    MT — If two people tried to catch one of my cats in a big open area and my cat didn’t want to be caught, those people would be SOL. I know Sassy can’t climb trees, but didn’t she ever figure out how to dodge?

  119. Occipital Lobe
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#117):

    You mean … like a portrait?

  120. HAnzMFG
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    It looks like the Vikings were sailing a dark age oil tanker. The Exxon Vangsness ran aground!

  121. Chaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#115): Perfectly plausible, including your noted implausibles. I just thought the timing was such that he was heading home after the blue balls inducing make out session at the apartment door.

  122. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#116): I am. That was my first thought. My second thought was “Archie, you are such an idiot.” Because right now, Archie’s mom is thinking “Kid, I have just done the very last load of your clothes that I will ever do.”

  123. HAnzMFG
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers keep entirely too much old crappy receipts, coupons, and cards stuffed into their wallets, which results in years of debilitating back pain and general agony, all because they can’t give up their hoarder tendencies.

  124. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#121): Probably you’re right and this is the first of the many defaced posters to come. Normal apartment buildings wouldn’t contain big posters of one of the renters, but this is Edda. Very likely the building has been named after her as well. “Specialest Snowflake Towers.”

  125. HAnzMFG
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Look outside! Marmaduke got the idea from a Slayer album, and summoned a stormcloud of acidic bloody rain that melts peoples’ umbrellas!

  126. Marc
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    FW- “Cayla, rule number one; No speaky unless the man speaky to you. Christ, no wonder you were never married before. *Sigh* Lisa knew all the rules.”

  127. Calico
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#117):
    Oh, God, was there a Honus Wagner in there?
    I think only 6-7 of them have been found.

  128. Marc
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#124): They live in the Eddaplex.

  129. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#128):

    And that edifice displays an Edda face.

  130. Calico
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @HAnzMFG (#125):
    Wow – funny you mention Slayer – sadly I have a very ill friend (yes, Batty, yes) who loves Slayer. I’m more of a prog/jam band type, but think Slayer is pretty #^%$&! good and it feels good to listen to them.
    Fuck cancer, all of it. That is all for now.

  131. Chaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#128): And, of course, there is the Eddaplex Campus….. Squint a little bit and you’ll see it (call me Frazz)

  132. Calico
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#126):
    Dawn: “Dave and I were like that too… *sigh* “

  133. rumpled tulip
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    “Everyone has something purple with them–WRONG with them, I mean. I meant wrong, honest.”

  134. _Liz
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Clown-9 can’t be stopped! HAHAHA! No really, why can’t he be stopped?

    FC: Yeah, his Dad really is cookin’ in the other room… knudge knudge, wink wink.
    Just keep playing “Trouble”, and it will all be over soon.

  135. HAnzMFG
    September 18th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#130): haha I’m glad somebody likes that reference. and sorry to hear about your friend. and I hear ya on your music tastes, I’m appreciative of any kinda rock with good musicianship

  136. Anon
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    I think it’s a jab at Hagar’s inability to read.

  137. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#12): Exactly. I can stand the purple clothes, barely, but that haircut sears my very soul.

  138. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

  139. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @_Liz (#134): Clown-9 can’t be stopped! HAHAHA! No really, why can’t he be stopped?
    Because Spidey doesn’t know enough to send him back to his own dimension by tricking him into saying his name backwards.

  140. Irrischano
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Just about every young-ish male character in Mary Worth looks so “perfect” and lifeless that a traumatic injury fails to convey even an iota of humanity. Jim might as well be a Ken doll who had his left arm chewed off by the dog, then came to life.

  141. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#131): Those buildings with Edda’s face on them? They’re the Eddapuss Complex.

  142. Uncle Lumpy
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#80):

    … any wedding of MINE is only gonna happen at MONTONI’S!

    Nah — he married Dead Lisa at Montoni’s; can’t sully the memory.

  143. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#126): If I had a float, that would ride it. The horrid thing is that it really does sound like the voice of Secret Les, the one who no longer feels any need to pretend.

  144. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#141): I can just see the big sign. Arrgh.

  145. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    9CL – Like her apartment, Edda has vacancies open up all the time, but you have to be willing to share the space with Seth. Also, the elevator does not go all the way to the top and Amos has doodled all over most of the exterior surfaces.

    @Chaze126 (#109):

    Gil has taken a few days to teach his new victim how to play Free Safety. Fortunately, Gil’s defensive schemes don’t require much from the position other than “be 20 yards in back of the line of scrimmage when the ball is snapped, then look for someone to hit.”

    This week, we get to see Irish’s introduction to the concept of Defensive Pass Interference.

  146. wossname
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#141): Got your COTW right here, folks. (And I don’t even read 9CL.)

  147. Chaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#145): Maybe….but I’m thinking mad dash blitz on 3rd and long, rendering the QB unconscious, Terry suspended from school and Gil under arrest.

  148. Jumbo37364
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure that alarm going off in “Family Circus” is because Billy broke the rules of the Keane Klan by bringing in someone of color. Into the chamber of regret, Billy!

  149. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#65):

    “rMC: “Zima” jokes do not age well.”

    You’re probably right. That’s why you are so cool you deserve a Zima!

    So be the envy of the party by gettin’ the party started: Crack open a Zima Right Now! Oooooohhhh Yeeeeeeeaaaah!

    //apologies to Duff Man

  150. Callidus
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#91): Hey! Come merry dol! SURPRISE! My darling!
    Light goes the talking squirrel and the giant starling.
    Down in Lost Forest, shining in the sunlight,
    Land of 3 Ws, water, woods and wildlife,
    There my pretty lady is, Doc Davis’ daughter,
    Slender as the willow-wand, I don’t like to touch her.
    Old Mark Bombadil, fishing poles a bringing
    Comes hopping home again. Can you hear him singing?
    Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol! and merry-o!
    Hey Cherry, Hey Cherry, new assignment, got to go!
    Poor old Rusty, I can’t fish today!
    Mark’s in a hurry now. Maybe some other day.
    Mark’s leaving home again time to do some writing.
    Hey! Come derry dol! Fist of Justice fighting!

  151. HAnzMFG
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    In today’s Amazingly Incompetent Spider-Man, did Clown-9 just splatter a pie on a cop’s face, and then it instantly cleaned itself up? What a convenient advance in cream pie technology!

  152. Charly
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#30): I dream of Amos?

  153. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Callidus (#150): *swoons*

  154. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Nooooo! Don’t speak of the Wedding! Mr. Batiuk, you must stop this. Here’s some ideas on how to do it.

    Cayla calls it off, realizing she doesn’t deserve Les.
    Summer and Keisha run away together. Wedding called off to prevent incest.
    Les gets a call from Ghost of Lisa, telling him Cayla is old, bossy, and barren.

    Don’t you see how easy it would be to Stop All This Foolishness?? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make.

    In haste,
    Susan Smith, President

  155. billman
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#3):

    Re: MW i dunno, ham on rye is pretty ethnic, my go-to for soulless, bland sammiches is turkey on white with mayo, or (shudder) Miracle Whip.

  156. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Is MT reminding anyone else of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Natlamp73.jpg

  157. Alfred E. Neuman
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @HAnzMFG (#151) said: “In today’s Amazingly Incompetent Spider-Man, did Clown-9 just splatter a pie on a cop’s face, and then it instantly cleaned itself up? What a convenient advance in cream pie technology!”

    Clown-9 could make big bucks selling his cream pie technology to the porn industry. Think of the money that could be saved by eliminating all of those time-wasting clean-ups.

  158. bats :[
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#154): speaking of Dead Lisa ™ phone calls, was there any rationale/explanation for the mysterious white phone call for Les at the airport? I thought I might’ve missed something reasonble.

  159. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    A3G-New York has this amazing thing called subways. You don’t have to walk from wherever you are to Battery Park.

    A3G 2-In the time it will take them to walk to Battery Park their 1970s world will pass into the modern age. On their walk they should warn the people at the World Trade Towers.

    MT-”Poor Sassy. Those poachers think I’m not going to leave you behind when I am going to run from here as sissly as I can.”

    FW-Are your wedding guests also going to be staying after the wedding too?

  160. Der Schnärkïnätör
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    9CL – I don’t really follow this strip closely, but didn’t Gay Seth bang Edda one night a while back, indicated by her hand hanging over the bed? Am I remembering this correctly?

    If so, where was Amos when this was going on? And does he even know about it?

    //At least, I thought they did it.

  161. bats :[
    September 18th, 2012 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#160): No, he banged some other woman-type.

  162. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#161):

    “No, he banged some other woman-type.”

    Tsk tsk. He didn’t “bang” a “woman-type,” he banged her “Art.”

  163. Stroker Ace
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Wait until she finds the Viking porn DVD titled ‘Hagar and Eddie: Measure, Treasure, Pleasure Island’.

  164. Comcis Fan
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Archie’s mom quietly calculates whether she has the physical strength, and load capacity, to stuff her smart-mouthed teenaged son into the dryer.

    MW: Oh pshaw! Don’t be, really! It’s nothing! I don’t miss that arm that used to be there, and like you said, it’s nothing compared with your brutal breakup with Dave!

  165. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    MW: You’d better believe it, because Jim just swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

    MT: I’ve seen this ploy in the movies. The one big drawback is that it renders you susceptable to melting.

    FW: Ah, Batiuk is jumping on the “unconventional weddings” bandwagon started by Sally Forth and Arlo & Janis. Of course they have a starting-point advantage in terms of character likeability.

    WofI: Big Love: The Amphibian Years.

    Crock: Wow, this one is so “too soon” that it was actually written eight years ago.

    9CL: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from that poster and pull your pants up.”

    Popeye: The Grumpers carry out their evil plans armed only with gnarled clubs, scratchy beards, and a basic scientific ignorance that is—thankfully for them—shared by nearly everyone.

    BC: Johnny Hart and Mason can’t seem to think of enough good things to draw about Linda either, hence her never appearing in a rough half century of the strip being published.

    JP: Avery: Mind their own business? Why that’s outrageous! Back in Hollywood if we even suspect that somebody is in the drug business we make sure to report… Hee hee, I can’t even finish that sentence.

    H&L: Here’s the preemptive explanation of why Ditto is going to have two black eyes for his next few appearances.

    GT: A free safety lessens the chance of pregnancy and STDs, doesn’t it?

    Phantom: You’re once, twice, three times a lion,
    And I stab you…

    6C: That’s awesome. Here’s to you and your slutty youth, granny.

    M-Dawg: The rain is red. Either someone involved with the strip is a huge Peter Gabriel fan or God’s judgment is upon this house.

    SFx: C’mon critters. This guy doesn’t need any help collapsing those trees.

  166. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-And there is nothing but porn on them.

  167. Soccerhead
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    GT: Is Milford’s football program that hard up for players, that Gil has someone who’s never played in a game and only knows football from what he’s seen on TV as his starting free safety?
    Curtis: Although “accidentally” doesn’t actually have the letter S in it, there probably should have been a musical note in there.

  168. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#113): I certainly hope the arm fairy brings more than a quarter.

  169. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#14):

    Crankshaft ‘Floppy DVDs’ in this case refer to a very specialized genre of ‘gentleman’s interest film’.

    That’s a narrow slice of the market, but I have heard of such things.

  170. Ulysses Pornstache III
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Yes, the only thing wrong with me is the loss of this arm here. I am otherwise perfect. PERFECT.”

    “…”

    “Um, I’ve also been told that I am sometimes too humble. Humble, good-looking, one arm. That’s me.”

  171. Dennis Jimenez
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#169): Errotic etchings inscribed with characters from his VIC-20….

  172. rumpled tulip
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#142):

    Surely Les and Cayla’s wedding will take place on the park bench where every other major event in his life has taken place. They’ll have to hose off the pigeon shit and chase away the homeless for the day, but it will be magical. And by magical I mean filled with bottomless despair.

  173. mvg
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Calico (127): Honus Wagner, Cy Young, Ty Cobb, all the boys in the band:
    http://www.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/story/2012-07-10/Baseball-cards-in-Ohio-attic-might-fetch-millions/56133426/1

    Occipital Lobe (119): No, like a portrait that grows younger, handsomer & more genial as its living subject, Crankshaft, becomes fatter, older & more loathsome.

  174. Daniel
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    HtH Ah, just like in Borges’s “The Garden of Forking Paths”–in some stories they make the pass, in others they fall back, in some they enter a cave, in others they leave.

    And the French artillery is in Albert.

  175. Dale
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Soccerhead (#167):

    Gil Thorp is a continuous reminder of why I have no legal use for gym teachers.
    They don’t teach a thing. They assume you know how to play the game and have the skills and experience. When you don’t, it’s your fault and you get punished.

  176. commodorejohn
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Agnes – If only real elections were this dignified and to-the-point.

    A3G – This is Luann’s idea of “seductive,” isn’t it? That figures.

    Crankshaft – Hey, keep looking, you two. I think there’s a cask of Amontillado up there somewhere. Oh, and don’t mind any hammering you hear by the door to the attic.

    DT – “Oh great, it’s Dick Tracy.” = last words of half the villains in this strip.

    F- – Does this mean he’ll be bricking shits?

    FW – Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why everyone you know leaves you, Les.

    H&L – The hell? Was the Flagstons’ house built in the 1900s? Don’t they have a damn lock on the bathroom door?

    JP – “Ooh!” Avery thinks. “Can I be Friar Tuck?”

    Luann – So back in the day, Luann looked like a poor man’s Miss Peach? The characters were just as self-absorbed and whiny, too. How did this thing ever get syndicated? (And speaking of the great question of why Greg Evans has a job, what the hell is up with the reruns? It’s not even the strip’s anniversary like it was the last time he ditched work – would they just fire him already, please?)

    Mandrake – In all fairness, ma’am, your hair does kind of beg to be mocked.

    MT – Rusty’s tears are sweet like finest mead. Cry, puppet, cry!

    MW – These two are perfect for each other – neither of them have any tact or social skills at all. Cripes, I’m a nerd hermit and I know more about making friends than this.

    Peanuts – Snoopy has the right idea.

    Popeye – Wait, did Popeye just turn into “The Light Princess?”

  177. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#58): Oh, that would be a crossover for the ages. Also, I want to see Hillary and her band start their werewolf love song and break off halfway into the first verse, saying, “Sorry, we’re just not feelin’ it.”

  178. agony
    September 18th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: re no nooky once they are engaged. I remember there was a Savage Love call about just this situation.

    iirc, Dan told the guy to DTMFA

  179. TheDiva
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#50): Yeah, I just noticed that after looking at the strip again. Which adds another level of hate: Amos is basically saying, “Everybody needs to know this is my property now.”

  180. Rhekarid
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    Did Rusty drink from the Fountain of Youth in an earlier strip? Because he seems to be aging rapidly as water leaves his body.

  181. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    MW-Actually the problem of you being left handed is no longer visible. It is now a stark reminder to you and everyone else not to be different and deviate away from societal norms.

  182. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Hagar-”We have to stay positive, Hagar. Might I suggest an orgy?”

  183. Thibault
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#104): RE 9cL: Although the author’s brilliant artwork somewhat fails to portray it today, I believe, if I am not a complete beefwit, that we are now in Amos’ apartment as he is returning home from this exciting 6 week long day. In panel 1, he has just stepped through the door, and within is the 2′ x 3′ poster of his beloved for him to admire and masturbate to. have handsex to. …I guess that’s kind of the same thing, isn’t it?

  184. commodorejohn
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#179): It’s the token that says she’s taken! Or, you know, it would be, if she weren’t a Burber and therefore invested with divine right to rule. Or if they lived in a universe where love was about mutual care and happiness and not a zero-sum dominance game, but that’d just be crazy.

  185. Chaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Hagar -”Alright, I’m gonna be the Skipper and Eddie here is gonna be Gilligan. To keep things fair, we’re gonna have a drawing. The two losers (or winners, depending on your sexual proclivities) will be Ginger and Mary Ann. On OUR show, Ginger and Mary Ann are sex slaves to Gilligan and the Skipper.”

  186. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#176):

    “Popeye – Wait, did Popeye just turn into “The Light Princess?”

    Why must you tease me so? Is this a new storyline? Or is it the same one with the underground people/things?

    If it is the same one, like tired, worn out storyline with Spider-Man vs. Competence then I am waiting for…

    gads… why am I fooling myself? It’ll probably be waiting for months before I resume reading either strip.

  187. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#179):

    Even Amos knows the score. He is the sexual thrall of a Burber. After the wedgie incident, he has the retracted testicles to prove it.

    Let Seth overhear Edda’s piano playing and decide his dick is into her Art, and Amos will see just how far his claim on her will take him. All the way into the next room where he can listen closely to Edda calling Seth ‘Dada’.

  188. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft–
    (yet another strip I avoid unless it is featured here on CC, and I get fooled by not seeing that red and white combination)

    How do we know that a “floppy DVD” isn’t just a harmless Floppy Dracula Vampire Doll? That you can blow up and use as a companion? And, that has a recording which when you pull the something or another will say that it “I Vant to bite your…” something or another?

    We don’t know now, do we? So to paraphrase some book or another, Judge not yet ye be Juicy.

  189. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#188):

    Dang spellcheck!

  190. Erich Clapton
    September 18th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    6Chixxx: “. . .wake up with a headache.” Oh, ha ha. Look in the mirror. How’d you like to wake up to THAT harridan every morning? Yeah, didn’t think so.

  191. commodorejohn
    September 18th, 2012 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#186): “Storyline” is an awfully strong word to use for anything in Popeye, but it’s the same…uh, thing…that has been happening for the past eleventy billion weeks or so, yeah.

  192. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#191):

    OK. Thanks for verifying my fears.

    (And, a belated thanks to Sunday Mark Trail for exposing the North American Jumping Spider Infestation.

    BTW, still waiting for solutions!
    Showing Rusty’s Origin Story on how went from a puppet to a boy to a Jack Kirby character to a rusted metal statue stuck in the woods after he cried causing himself to be as immobile as the Tinman in the early part of the “Wizard of Oz” (whew!)

    Just. Ain’t. Gonna. Cut it!

    The spiders still be jumpin!)

  193. sally
    September 18th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#12):

    My thought exactly — her stilted style of dress could have lots of explanations, but that haircut has only one.

  194. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#193):

    I have a theory as to why it looks bad but if there may be other theories abound, I, as a devoted snarker of all things Mary Worthian, wish to learn.

    Why does her hairstyle/cut look bad?

  195. Arabella
    September 18th, 2012 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    MW: re Dawn’s hair.
    The “minimalist look.” They probably started out with one color, then the colorist said, “It looks like she’s wearing a hoodie, can’t have that.”

    It’s not that the artist can’t draw hair. Look how lovingly the strands of Jim’s pompadour have been rendered.

  196. Alison
    September 18th, 2012 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: What’s up with the random vintage stuff? I can only guess the reruns are a distraction from the saga of Luann and Quill since that is an arc that can obviously go nowhere or else it will change the whole dynamics of the strip. I assume that when the current strip returns, there will be a whole new story about, say, Knute or Tiffany, and Quill will simply never be mentioned again.

    “Mary Worth”: Shouldn’t Dawn be doing some, you know, *actual volunteer work* by now? I’ve never heard of a volunteer job that consists of the volunteer eating lunch all day.
    OTHER CHARACTER: Hey, Dawn, I heard you’ve become a volunteer at the hospital! That’s great! What did you do on your first day? Did you help save someone’s life? Did you get valuable work experience?
    DAWN: I ate a sandwich and drank a carton of milk in the cafeteria.
    OTHER CHARACTER: …..

    “Mark Trail”: Aww, I hate seeing Sassy paying the price for Rusty’s stupidity. Poor Sassy. You suck, Rusty. But honestly, in what universe would it be easier to catch a running dog than a running little kid, unless the dog was very old or injured? A little kid would surely be slower and clumsier than a dog.

  197. Alex Blaze
    September 18th, 2012 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    I read Archie’s mom’s expression as if she’s asking herself, “Is he old enough that I can tell him to do his own fucking socks he stains when both Betty and Veronica are busy?”

  198. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#196): “in what universe would it be easier to catch a running dog than a running little kid

    This is especially ridiculous in light of the fact that Rusty was shouting encouragement to Sassy while the poachers/kidnappers/squatters/camera thieves were chasing her. So they aren’t using Sassy to bait Rusty out of hiding because they can’t find him, they are using Sassy as bait because they just don’t want to have to walk all the way over to the bushes in order to nab him.

  199. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT:

    Actually, there’s a typo in today’s dialog. Mrs. Jeff is remarking that among the Crankshaftian debris in the attic are his old “floppy BVDs.”

    // They’re rare. Most of Cranky’s old long johns are the reverse of floppy; stiff and crusty is more like it.

  200. Tonio
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    I can’t decide whether the sound in FC is the family’s “ethnic” detector, or Mom and Dad adding to the family. I had the impression this strip was so segregated that it made the Dick and Jane books look like issues of Ebony, or installments of Univision novellas.

  201. Tonio
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Archie – Did anyone notice that Mrs. Andrews’ eyes look just like Betty’s and Veronica’s? Apparently the lookalike for these two extends to her as well – change her hair and she could easily be one of them at age 50, with Oedipal implications.

  202. Arabella
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    FW: In panel 2 when Cayla says the house won’t feel empty, are we supposed to think for a split second that she may be pregnant? Thank heavens it was only a short-lived teaser. But if she had been wearing a loose fitting top….

  203. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-Floppy dvds? Sounds like somebody has an impotence fetish.

    Crankshaft 2-Now where’s the boxes of dead hookers?

  204. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Really? You have a visible problem? What is it? I see nothing wrong with you other than that you are missing an arm. Don’t tell me you’re missing your penis.”

  205. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Tonio (#200):

    Billy’s friend in today’s strip is Morrie, a character named as a tribute to cartoonist Morrie Turner and introduced into Family Circus in the late 1960s.

    More information about Morrie Turner can be found on the internet!

    http://believermag.com/issues/200911/?read=article_chang#footnote1

  206. commodorejohn
    September 18th, 2012 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#204): No, no, that’s Dr. Jeff.

  207. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Archie-Archie, if you don’t like the heat of the dryer then don’t ride around inside it.

  208. demoncat
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    mw dawns sad expression over the out burst by jim on his arm missing is saying yes and looks like so is our new opinion of life is brutal again. fc. maybe you should get up and go check if the smoke alarm is just due to dad cooking or its a real fire billy instead of condeming your friend and you to a smokey cooking death.

  209. DaveyK
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    Jeff’s look tells me his wife is very close to discovering his porn stash.

  210. There have always been Snarkadders at Curmudgeon Farm
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#11): Given that Jeff’s wife, aka “Girl Jeff” is essentially Jeff with a different dye job, I think we know all we need to about his preferences.

    And as she ages, she’ll look more and more like her father.

  211. rumpled tulip
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#202): In panel 2 when Cayla says the house won’t feel empty, are we supposed to think for a split second that she may be pregnant?

    Arabella, I had the same panicky split-second thought when I read it.

  212. Droopy Says
    September 18th, 2012 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#122): Archie’s mom isn’t going to let him do the laundry. The last time she tried that, she discovered he can’t tell the difference between the washing machine and the drier: which one you use first, the difference between detergent and bleach, how much detergent to use and which machine takes it, how you use the complicated knobs and buttons, why you clean out the lint filter . . .

    Actually I’m calling bullshit on Archie’s mention of static cling. That’s way too modern for this strip. It should be a joke witless words about wringers, washboards and clothes lines.

  213. pastordan, snark late shift
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    Not much time to snark, what with the move and the <Frink>ma-ARRIED JESUS (glavin)</Frink>, but I couldn’t resist this one:

    9 Chickweed Lane: MINE. MINE MINE MINE. MY PROPERTY. Why no, I’m not an abuser, why do you ask?

  214. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 18th, 2012 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#196):

    DAWN: I ate a sandwich and drank a carton of milk in the cafeteria.

    Maybe she’s “volunteering” to test which aging cafeteria foodstuffs are too far gone. Me? I’d prefer orderly work. But that’s what you get for not reading the fine print.

  215. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    With Archie, there seems to be something else going on here.
    In panel two, Mom-Archie is exhibiting the Thousand Yard Stare. She isn’t looking at her son. Instead, she’s looking elsewhere.

    My theory, after crunching numbers on the Gagatron Translator 5000 and after double-checking my figure in the mirror and after puffing up my chest to summon up the willpower and courage to sit down and type out this theory is this:

    The static cling is so thick in the air of that laundry room, that Mom-Archie is attracted to something which we are not privy to seeing.

    Now I could speculate that Spider-Man is hanging upside down in the corner of the room. And, by hanging upside down, I mean all parts of him are hanging down.

    If isn’t nekkid Spider-Man she’s attracted to then it could be her husband standing in the doorway with a sock on his Little Dad-Archie. He could be giving her three thumbs up (sorry, but he could be doing that–keep in mind, we can only speculate.).

    Then there could be the chance that Reggie Van Reggiestone is waving a couple of tickets to Acapulco in one hand, fanning his face with a wad of cash in the other hand and beckoning her to just leave the drama all behind (and to bring the towels she’s holding). All the while Reggie is slowly nodding his head with that maniacal– yet generic to Reggie ™– smirk on his face.

    The bottom line is this: she is ignoring Archie and is hypnotically consumed with something unseen by the reader.

  216. Liam
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    FC-Does every black person naturally cringe when they hear a siren thinking it’s the cops coming to take them away because that is the impression I’m getting by Billy reassuring his friend that is the smoke detector he’s hearing.

  217. Scalawag
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    This only just occurred to me, but does anyone else find it strange that the “Hagar and Lucky on an island” take place on the typical be-palm tree’d sandbar (admittedly missing its palm tree in today’s entry) somewhere in the tropics? Did they end up thousands of miles off course on their way to the Vinland colony or something?

  218. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    @Scalawag (#217):

    Now that you mention it, it is odder still the the co-workers in the front aren’t saying anything and only Hagar and Lucky are speaking.

    If I were to ramp up the GT 5000, I’d say the four dudes are not there and are hallucinations, like in Bugs Bunny’s “Wackiki Wabbit” (?) where the two castaways randomly saw each other as food stuffs.

    But, upon further reflection, let’s be honest: tomorrow Hagar and his assistant will be somewhere other than that plot of sand.

    While it would be cool if they, unlike Wilbur and Dawn, were rescued by dolphins that encouraged their rescuees to stand on their backs and surf to safety. The strip will never “speak” of this situation again…until it does…because a “gag” can be applied.

  219. laila
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    MT: It’s funny because nobody cares about Rusty, so Elrod has to resort to imperiling the dog. Do you care now, readers? Do you care now?!

  220. Zerowolf
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    FC: Don’t worry, that’s the smoke detector. Tonight must be book burning night.

  221. Zerowolf
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: CDs, DVDs, floopy DVDs, kiddie porn stash

  222. Zerowolf
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    MW: Nice salute there, aryan boy.

  223. Droopy Says
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#216): I think the black kid is just astonished that the Keane Kompound has any sort of post-LBJ era electronics. For his part, Billy tries to seem blase as he describes the scary, growing modernity of his family: Daddy has invaded Mommy’s kitchen again.

  224. tallyHO
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#223):

    Now hold on there, Droopy.

    You bring up a very important thing here. In stating that Daddy invaded Mommie…er…uh Bil invaded the kitchen where Thel is, you bring up an interesting aspect of the entire Family Circus universe.

    Obviously, the dad wouldn’t need to “invade” territory owned and protected by the mom, right? After all, presumably, they both co-own the kitchen and can take turns making dinner allowing the other to attend their scream therapy sessions.

    The question that pops into mind is this:

    Does this family have next-door neighbors? If anyone, strangers or “wacky”* next door neighbors might “invade” the premises. We know Bil and Thel had parents, we know they go on vacation, we know Bil goes to work (i think he does have a separate workplace) and we know that church factors into this universe, sometimes. But, do they ever just go next door? Does anyone from next door, or from across the street, just visit?

    Obviously, Morrie is a friend of Billy’s. And, other kids drop by to play. But, what about other adults, other parents?

    *by “wacky” I mean Dennis the Menace wearing a hockey mask and wielding an ax while riding Marmaduke, who knocks down doors with one paw as he scans rooms to see who will fit into his currently empty graveyard.

  225. Poteet
    September 18th, 2012 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#218): I wrote this comment about Hagar three years ago, and found it again. Apparently even this 2008 version may be a repeat. And it’s even late at night again.

    ***

    When I read HAGAR in particular, I envision Hagar, Helga, and the other protagonists strolling into the comic strip as they would stroll onto a movie set. There they act out the strip and then leave.

    Today’s strip required a lot of extras and props, but I figure there’s a standard set for the tiny desert island, another set for the bar, etc. I especially like to think that Hagar and Helga get along well off-strip, and Helga relaxes after each episode by getting a massage in her dressing room and then going home with Lucky Eddie, who is actually a witty literate fellow and her real-life husband.

    Hagar is happily married to one of the English castle matrons who occasionally show up in the “raid” strips. Honi and Hamlet aren’t related to Hagar or Helga, but are real-life siblings and excellent students. None of the characters like all the gags, but they are paid professionals and do their best with what they are given.

    Um…come to think of it, didn’t I already say all this a few months ago?

    Oh good, it’s late at night.

    *slinks away*

    ***

  226. Walker of Dog
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    A3G: An all-day walk, on the first date? I call harlot.

    MW: Dawn: *sigh* “Dave used to have an arm. I wonder if he still does – I should call him.”

  227. tallyHO
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#225):

    That is a brilliant explanation. So, they are like theater troupe?

    I am not going to squint or look for a larger copy of this strip but I’m almost certain only Hagar and Eddie are sitting on rocks. The other four are sitting on the sand. (budget problems? Or, is it intentional and symbolic?)

    So, if Lucky Eddie’s actor is married to the actress who plays Helga does that mean Hagar has an interesting life off-stage or a tragic one? He could go home alone and drink himself to sleep. He could leave like Jackie Gleason with a companion on each arm.

    //suddenly Hagar is interesting.

  228. tallyHO
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Waitasecond! Stop the presses! Tell the crew to take a smoke break while the editors typeset a whole new front page! This here is a barnburner that ain’t gonna be out until the paper hits the streets!

    What if…

    and stay with me now…
    What if…

    and you have to understand that as a rule I do not read Crankshaft unless it is one without the title character and is on the CC site…

    What if… Crankshaft is really a horror story that took way too long for something scary to happen?

    Those “floppy DVDs”….dried puddles of ectoplasm from the victims of Crankshaft that hover as ghosts in the attic.

    When that dude turns around, his wife will be snatched and he will be left to defend himself with copies of “Braveheart” and the 17 part Sly Stallone “Rocky” Saga.*

    *versus the dramatized “Rocky and Bullwinkle” Saga, of course.
    “Hey Rocky! Watch for the cops so I see if I can pull a rabbit out of this dumpster!”

    “A rabbit? That’s good for you to eat but what about me? I’m a squirrel!”

    “Yes, you are. Actually, you look absolutely a-squirrel-able. Say, you’ve been putting on weight haven’t ya? Why don’t you climb into mouth so I can weigh you!”

  229. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#227): Don’t worry about Hagar. Per my comment, “Hagar is happily married to one of the English castle matrons who occasionally show up in the “raid” strips.” This is an unusually happy theater troupe, except for the days when the gags are especially bad. That makes it more boring, I know, but for grimness, one can always turn to Crankshaft, FW, MW, etc.

  230. Thibault
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    In my entire adult life, I have never heard any kind of fire alarm that produces a sound anywhere near, “EEEEE-OOOOO, EEEEE-OOOOO”. Mine right now is an annoying loud BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! that goes until I hit the reset button after the toast burns. In hotels and commercial buildings I have heard a rising wail. The dorm I lived in at school had a loud buzzer, but never…oh god…I’m still thinking about this!

  231. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    JP — Avery, you really dense dimwit, ten acres of pot is worth about thirty million dollars. So instead of nagging Bea about your stupid camera, you should be begging her to get you out of Happy Valley alive and in one piece.

  232. Droopy Says
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#224): I don’t think that the Keanes have any actual neighbors. I’m not even sure they have any recurring characters outside the family itself–the minister, perhaps? The kids all seem to change in a generic, mix-and-match way, and names are rare. Outsiders seem to rotate through the neighborhood without taking uppermanent residence. This leads me to suspect that the Keanes are animatronic dummies in a living historical exhibit, which allows tourists to interact with natives of the early baby boom era. “Mr. Keane, exactly what is a cocktail party? Do you think Sesame Street is a good idea, or does it try to educate children at a too-early age?”

  233. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    MT — Is there anyone, anyone at all in this strip, who has an IQ above 75? If so, please hold up your left hand. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Put your paw down, Andy.

  234. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    MW — Maybe you both have incompetent enemies.

  235. tallyHO
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#229):

    You are so right.

    I’ve just seen too many of those old movies where the scenery chewing actor is a drunken buffoon who…waitasecond…that wasn’t just the premise of some old movies, those were the anecdotes told by old actors on talk shows.

    So, cheating on his well-to-do wife…it could still happen…and note I didn’t say with whom. I just mentioned the gender neutral “companions”.

  236. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    RMMD — Holy moly, take a gander at that woman on the left side of the third panel! To hell with Junior and the girls. Let’s head for the beach!

  237. Droopy Says
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: In a shocking development, it will turn out that Peter Parker used his scientific genius to reinvent the joy-buzzer. That’s Spiderman for you: new dimensions in nonimagination.

    Creepy Les: Masky McDeath . . . paging Masky McDeath . . . you have two clients who need your services.

    Jugs Parker: Avarice, you blithering idiot, is there anything about that camera worth risking your life? Blackmail pictures of some A-list celebrity? Photos of your own pot farm? Something that will wipe the smug off Sam Driver’s face? I want to find out that Avery is really an underworld kingpin who’ll call Bubba a piker, then let Sam know that he’s been playing the Parker-Driver axis for fools.

    Mock Trail: “STOP! Rusty says. “Let Sassy go and I’ll show you where you can find a hundred and one Dalmatians! Think of the coat you could make from their skins!”

  238. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#235): True, it could certainly happen. But for me, ignorance is bliss. I have nothing against Hagar & Co. and hope they will all be happy. In 9CL, on the other hand, I hope the cheating starts ASAP, with Amos and Edda unable to control their primitive urges until the wedding night and finding surrogates to solve the problem.

  239. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft — Oh yeah, that’s just brilliant. Between this and the grilling, it’s past time for the neighbors to file lawsuits.

  240. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    FW — Bleeeaargh. Okay, bring on the giant fast-growing tumors.

  241. tallyHO
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Well what do you know?

    I just got a missive that might be worth sharing.
    Sharing:

    “To Whom It May Concern:

    You, sir, are a poltroon! And absolute dolt for even trying to understand the complex dramas that we in Lost Forest, U.S.A. deal with on a weekly basis.

    Don’t you get it? There are smugglers, killers and thieves who believe our home is a dwelling for them to perpetrate crimes big and small! You eyes surely can not be deceiving you! It is right there in four-colors!

    I’m sure there are those who believe that we denizens of this pastoral wonderland are as dense as hillibillies and as dumb as bricks, or vice versa! But, no. I stand here as a testament to the higher intelligence that reigns supreme in this part of the world.

    Our minds help us solve our problems (and indeed, our problems are disproportionately challenging, all things considered, like we are really isolated but our home is accessible by plane). Our fists, particular our Fists of Justice are a last resort.

    So, it would be most kind if you could refrain from ridiculing that which you do not, which you can not fathom.

    Sincerely,
    Andy Dog, Esq., J.D. St Benard’s College, ’52”

    Admittedly, I don’t understand how his penmanship is so exquisite. He’s a dog. But, it wouldn’t surprise me if he has People.
    Anyway, I’m framing this next to the painting of the dogs playing Twister.

  242. Poteet
    September 19th, 2012 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    A3G — So, like, he’s a villain? If that means his face will continue to evolve into something that is actually interesting, I say hooray for villainy!

  243. CanuckDownSouth
    September 19th, 2012 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#240): Well, with a *good* writer this would lead somewhere interesting showing their incompatibility, or how they learn to navigate disagreements. So we’ll see how quickly Batiuk makes a hash out of it…

    BTW, what with all the amputees cropping up in the comics lately, maybe the writers and artists should be sent links to stories of how real people handle that trauma (hint: it doesn’t involve pinning up a sleeve for years!). I came across a sweet one lately: http://www.buzzfeed.com/txblacklabel/true-love-in-pictures-only-28m7/

  244. Maggie the Cat
    September 19th, 2012 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    MW 9.19- Dawn cannot resist Jim’s disarming smile, and having a catastrophic boating accident in common? Fate has truly worked its magic here.

  245. Mr. O'Malley
    September 19th, 2012 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#232): The Keanes don’t live in a consistent neighborhood. Sometimes they are on a crowded suburban cul-de-sac covered with Billy’s dotted lines, sometimes away out in the country where their nearest neighbor can barely be seen with binoculars. Sometimes in a barren treeless wasteland, sometimes next to a dense forest. Sometimes with a 15-foot driveway, sometimes in the middle of a 30-acre lot. Also the external layout of the house is constantly changing. However, it is clear that the inside is much larger than the outside. There seem to be many large rooms with little furniture in them.

    The true story of the wandering house would be so much more interesting than what we get.

  246. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 19th, 2012 at 3:56 am [Reply]

    @Thibault (#230): Agreed. eeee-oooo is for ambulances and occasionally fire engines, not fire alarms.

  247. Lukash
    September 19th, 2012 at 4:03 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör (#160): No. It was another dancer. Edda has been in love with Seth, and was quite jealous. Problem is Seth is in love with Amos.

    And everyone has freaky sex

  248. Comcis Fan
    September 19th, 2012 at 4:09 am [Reply]

    MW: One arm if run aground into a pier connected to land, two arms if run aground into a rock in the sea. Even Paul Revere and the extra with the stethoscope know, this will end with great platitudes at a Charterstone pool party.

  249. Comcis Fan
    September 19th, 2012 at 4:12 am [Reply]

    MW: And before my maritime accident, I walked around Greece looking at armless, headless statues of voluptuous women, which reminded me of the girl who dumped me, and then I lost my arm and now I’ve met you!

  250. John C Fremont
    September 19th, 2012 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#243): The link is much appreciated. Got a little verklempt, I did. Very sweet indeed, and a nice antidote to all the empty sleeve pinning that we’ve been enduring.

  251. gleeb
    September 19th, 2012 at 6:53 am [Reply]

    Agnes: Incisive political satire!

    Dick: So, the great One really is the late Jackie Gleason? How does that work? I mean, Gleason was from New York, not Chicago.

    ‘bean: As much as I want Creepy Les to get a face full of saucepan, I know he’s Batiuk’s Holy Avatar, and that it’ll never happen.

    Nancy: American musicians, please stop dying for a little while, huh? You’ve got Nancy in a morbid rut.

    Non Sequitur: This weeks guest writer is Erich von Däniken.

    Rex: I want to see how they get out of paying for this cab ride.

    Spidey: To fight a clown, you have to think like a clown. Fortunately, Our Hero is never far from that state of mind.

  252. Ed Snyder
    September 19th, 2012 at 6:58 am [Reply]

    “Everybody has something wrong with them. Like an oversized hand and an inflatable head to complement one’s missing arm.”

  253. Powers
    September 19th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Um, exactly what color do you expect tears to be, if not transparently showing the color behind them?

  254. Pippy the Ziphead
    September 21st, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    What kind of smoke alarm makes a sound like that? More likely, Thel, Dolly or Jeffy have tried to escape again. Billy’s so used to covering it up, he can nonchalantly blame it on his father’s “cooking”, a chore which we all know Daddy Keane would be about as likely to do as he would be to walk out in heels, hose, an evening gown, lipstick and a wig.

  255. Dale
    September 21st, 2012 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @Nathaniel (#254):

    Make your brother squeal like a pig or pork byproduct.
    Do not be coming here with your enhanced prickishness.

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