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OK, we get it, comics aren’t always funny, you’re proving that real nicely

Funky Winkerbean, 11/9/12

So, yes, as predicted, an innocent if somewhat ham-handed query about why the word “comic” usually means “funny” but doesn’t in the case of comic books has led to a week-long and increasingly self-important diatribe about the history of the medium and why it’s been forced unfairly into a ghetto where nobody takes it seriously, man (The question that was actually asked was answered fairy succinctly by webcomics hero David Willis.) Hat-bro has been allowed to occasionally say quasi-funny things this week making the point that, ha ha, this answer sure is going on for a while and is boring, but he’s now been silenced, and in today’s final panel the oppressive crush of verbiage manages to drain all color from the room as it reaches a critical mass.

Apartment 3-G, 11/9/12

Ha, so, Aunt Cathy, Evan’s mean girl aunt, is … running a publicity agency that competes with Margo’s? And Evan is secretly working for Margo’s agency as a mole? And he’s spiriting young starlets away to his aunt’s agency by convincing Margo that they’re rivals for his massage-y affections? This makes so much less sense than anything else I thought was happening, which is really something of an achievement.

Mary Worth, 11/9/12

Haha, I love Dawn’s wide-eyed expression in panel two, as she realizes she’s basically been given parental authorization to just stone cold make out with a bunch of dudes without having to worry about boring old “commitment” or anything. Of course, her new friend/love interest Jim is possessive and controlling, so I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear about her plans to play the field.

Shoe, 11/9/12

In world gone mad with ruthless and pointless competition, the Perfesser knows that the only winning move is not to play. That’s why he’s just going to sit in his overstuffed armchair with a beer, eating a pizza right out of the box, and staring at the TV with dead eyes until the reality show that is reality declares a “winner” he can get behind. Till then, he’s opting out of the whole thing. Where do you suppose the pizza box went between panels one and two? Do you think there are a bunch of other pizza boxes piled up there, wherever he threw it?

The Lockhorns, 11/9/12

Here … enjoy the greatest Lockhorns ever written.

267 responses to “OK, we get it, comics aren’t always funny, you’re proving that real nicely”

  1. Alice
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Replace “literalists” with “beefwits,” erase Lecture Guy’s hair so he looks like a silhouette of Thorax, and presto! You have a serviceable 9CL panel.

  2. lorne
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    My theory is that “Aunt Cathy” is actually Realtime Continuity Margo from the 1960s Apartment 3G. And now she’s going to destroy Comics Continuity Margo.

  3. Anders Gabrielsson
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Is that Wilbur? It’s so hard to recognize him without a sandwich.

  4. CanuckDownSouth
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Did… Did Mark Trail (they’ve got the camera but we’ve got the memory card!) show more understanding of digital photography than Judge Parker (we must smash the whole camera to obliterate the pictures!)? Nothing makes sense anymore!

  5. Little Blue Bicycle
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    FW: This is all leading up to praise for cancer in the Sunday funnies, isn’t it? Peanuts would be so much more relevant if Woodstock died in a winter frost and Snoopy ran under Charlie Brown’s school bus.

  6. tigi
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Here, watch the Lockhorns lift an old Demetri Martin joke.

  7. Pozzo
    November 9th, 2012 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    So this comics shop is tucked away on the second floor above Montoni’s Pizza? The only thing that could make that more depressing is if Montoni’s was the shop the Perfessor ordered take-out from.

  8. Bill Peschel
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Batiuk left off today’s 4th panel: “And that’s why comic books should be considered serious literature. And why my store survives on providing masturbation fantasies to boys. ‘Enjoy’ your new Power Girl.”

  9. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns says in one panel what Funky Winkerbean has been rambling on about all week.

  10. Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    S-M: Spider-Man looks bored. It’s too bad there’s nothing going on in New York City he could be helping out with.

  11. Browns fan
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    FW: Barnes & Noble will buy out Komix Korner in 2013……..

  12. Chareth Cutestory
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    A3G: I’m hoping that Aunt Cathy is involved in every aspect of her publicity agency, and, not to jinx things, maybe just maybe we will get to see an old woman in an Apartment 3-G strip speaking about setting up a social media strategy. It will be the perfect full orchestra for the tone deaf.

  13. Inspector Butterflyfish, LFHD
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Wow! When did John Le Carré start writing Apartment 3G.

    MW: Dawn, get a grip on those craaaaazzzzyyyy eyes of yours, or people are gonna figure out that every time they say “friends,” you hear “victims.”

  14. Weaselboy
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Alice (#1): I thought the exact same thing. This thing reads like it was ghost-written by Brooke McEldowney

  15. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    JP-Wouldn’t it of been easier to destroy the memory card in the camera or just delete the pictures you didn’t like.

    Love Is-She likes whacking his balls around.

    MT-”They’re forced to be around bikini clad women and children that they will play with instead of their own kids.”

    MT 2-”And now in panel two we shall observe the mating ritual of two turtles. Look at them go. They are going faster than this story.”

    MW-Sadly this is Santa Royale so your choices of friends are rather limited. The only friends you can have are a bunch of middle age sycophants to an old biddy.

    RMMD-Let’s make a video that’ll go viral. We’ll call it “Two Girls Making Out”.

    Lockhorns-”Our marriage is already dead so you need something else to kill in your spare time.”

  16. Aphthakid
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Why are Dawn and Wilbur drinking out of the same glass?

  17. Greg
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    FW: The comic book store guy is leaning in for a kiss in the last panel, right? What better way to seduce someone than to expose their ignorance and lecture them for hours!! It’s always worked for me!

    *looks around empty, pizza box filled apartment*

    Er, maybe not……

  18. pugfuggly
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    FW Careful Hat-bro: your reaction to this little conversation will have a great impact on your life. If you feel pity for the grown man in front of you, railing about the denigrating nomenclature of comic books, you have hope yet. If instead, you feel a kinship with him in his ranting and wish to hear about his thoughts on the Star Wars prequels, ideas for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons spinoffs and his <Firefly fanfic, it may already be too late.

    A3G “Whatever you do Evan, don’t tell her my secret blend of 7 herbs and spices! Now where’s my cagoule?”

    Shoe See? Not all professors are liberal elitist Obama supporters. Some are lazy, conservative gluttons who think the country is headed towards a Hobbesian nightmare now that the Kenyan is back in the white house.

  19. Infantilizing Hidebound Literalist
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    FW: Oh shut the hell up. And take that ridiculous birds’ nest off your head, too.

  20. anon
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    9CL: Tabu – the Forbidden Fragrance.

  21. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Lio: HODOR!!!

    SBp: works for Superman. others, not so much.

    JP: d’awwwww. [*]

    JUMBLE: “member of eeta eeat zeeba” doesn’t fit.

    snark is fleeting today. :-(

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . smacking balls together.

  23. Danonymous
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    That is a lot of white… I’m calling it, “Aunt Cathy” is god, or some kind of Arch Angel anyway. And Eric is… some lesser angel… trying to recruit Margo? I don’t really understand this stuff.

  24. Mark B.
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Tomorrow’s JP: Avery wakes up naked with a seeping head wound in a dark corner of the abandoned mine, and he’s chained to a timber that’s barely holding up the roof of the chamber he’s imprisoned in. He realizes the entire meeting with Bubba was a dream which began shortly after Bubba chainsaw whipped him.

  25. Johnny Knuckles
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    FW: “Hidebound literalist.” Whoa. Shades of Soviet namecalling.
    The Hidebound Literalists could also be the name of a college band that’s heavy on irony and light on talent.

  26. Johnny Knuckles
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MW: “You can never have too many friends,” said the man with none.

  27. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    FW-Just be thankful this kid didn’t ask for directions to the bathroom or we would be enduring a week on the history of plumbing and the proper way to use the toilet.

  28. Abbey, the Wonderdog
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Doctor saves life, gets interviewed by local TV crew, DOES NOT GET A FREE BOAT!!!!!!

    Seems like something that should go viral.

    Bark! Bark! Bark!

  29. Marc
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    9CL- It must just be because I’m a beefwit and don’t go to the ballet or classical music performances; but I can’t imagine anyone bringing a bunch of flowers to throw in approval at the two fuckups fornicating on stage.

    A3G- The green and gold color scheme in Aunt Cathy’s offie lends me to believe that she is a Green Bay Packers fan. All that’s missing is a Clay Matthews Fathead.

    Mark Trail- Cherry, if they’re treating him well, chances are they aren’t terrorists. Most non-kidnapped men don’t get a free run of a tropical island inhabited by bikini clad babes. If this was any other man with a hint of straight sexuality, you’d have a hard time convincing him to come back.

    Mary Worth- Dawn brings a paint sample from the kitchen with her to the hair dresser to show them what color she wants the racing stripe on top of her head to be.

    Funky- You forgot to add ‘beefwits’ at the end of that.

    Luann- Come out of the closet? I think you need to be having this conversation with Gunther.

    Family Cirucs- Oh come on Jeffy, give yourself a little more credit than that. If you work really hard you can work your way up the chain and be the guy who shovels the horse’s shit in the stable.

  30. Leonard
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    FW: A new standard for self-righteousness has been set…

  31. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur, be honest with Dawn and tell her much you love her and want be more than just her father you also want to be her lover.

  32. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    The Disney/Star Wars news has set off an Alderaan-sized explosion of snark on the internets, and Sturgeons Law has certainly been in effect. However, this one is pretty good.

    Next, in NAoQV.

    Win for the Didactic Duo.

    IRL Bear Gunner. [*]

    a little something for Poteet.

    4 wk old corgi. *brainmush*

    happy derp.

  33. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Abbey, the Wonderdog (#28): awww, who’s a good dog?

    *bellyrubs*

  34. Digger
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    MW: “You can never have too many friends. Wait, sandwiches count as friends, right?”

  35. Droopy Says
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    FW The punchline comes tomorrow, when Asshat says “What do all those big words mean?” And when is Batiuk going to learn that it’s spelled “Monotony’s”?

  36. Hibbleton
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    MW: Just remember my dear: “Every man’s friend is no man’s friend. And since I have no friends that means I have the most friends..or something …I’m fat.”

  37. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Luann-Gentlemen might one day be accepted but don’t count on them ever being allowed to get married.

  38. Christopher
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    The Lockhorns: “And take my wife…please! Seriously, Loretta, I know how much you love my Henny Youngman impersonation.”

  39. Froggy
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    FW: Next up, a long-winded explanation of why, despite the title, Dante’s Divine Comedy isn’t funny at all.

  40. spazmodeus
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    “…and in today’s final panel the oppressive crush of verbiage manages to drain all color from the room as it reaches a critical mass.”

    But doesn’t reaching critical mass lead to the complete annihilation of the source material . . . GO, CRITICAL MASS! GO!

  41. TheDiva
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    A3G: Ah-ha, so Evan is a double-crosser! And whatshisface the actor is a smug self-promoting jerk! I’m starting to think the only way you can tell the men in Apartment 3-G apart is by whatever glaring flaw they have that will eventually force the ladies to dump them.

    FW: “Why, look at noted artist Tom Batiuk for example. He is clearly one of the most important and relevant witers of his age, yet his work is constantly denied the accolades it so richly deserves, thanks to such ridiculous and inaccurate notions such as ‘comics should be funny,’ ‘writing a strip in defense of gay rights without giving your gay characters voices and identities is contradictory and self-serving’ and ‘nobody likes a smug goateed asshat who’s still obsessing over his dead wife’…”

    Lockhorns: Loretta’s rapture as she contemplates the thought of those fragile blossoms withering and dying is the best part.

    MW: First things first, Wilbur. Let’s get a friend for Dawn, then we can work on multiples.

  42. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#y178): Hey, I just saw your comment and said “it’s ‘bang.’” And then my obsessive side took over.

    I’ve seen X live too. Damn, but they’re a great act.

  43. Mibbitmaker
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    FW: That may be mostly true, but, Tommy-boy, YOUR STRIP HAD BEEN A HUMOR STRIP FOR 20 YEARS, AND IT WAS QUIRKY-FUNNY AND GOOD, UNTIL YOU TURNED IT INTO A DEPRESSING, SELF-IMPORTANT BORE!!!!

    A3G: Hey, anything that puts Margo in her place is all good.

    MW: And you can start your age-appropriate freedom of relationships by not including the one-armed, controlling Oedipus case!

    Shoe: Let’s see…. al-Qaeda, nuke-getting Iran, pollution, Hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, “birthers”, “truthers”, the “fiscal cliff”……
    Yep, this is a survival reality show, alright!

    Shoe, meta: Worse, I think all those unseen pizza boxes have pizzas in them with only one slice taken out of each one. And they go back aways in time, too! Calling Hoarders….

  44. teenchy
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): Re A3G: Only way to be sure is if Aunt Cathy does the Aaron Rodgers “championship belt” move a/k/a the State Farm “Discount Double Check.”

    Here I was thinking she was actually one of the Winter brothers.

  45. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: Congratulations, Talent Agent / Secret Agent Evan! Thanks to your suave seductions of both your boss and your client, your Aunt Cathy is about to become the publicist for the beautiful actress Skyler Roan, star of the new blockbuster horror flick The Woman Whose Nose Wouldn’t Stop Growing!

    MW: Wilbur is of course right – Dawn need never worry about having too many friends. At least we now know how she gets her hair to look like that- every week, she sits in exactly that same carefully placed position in Panel 2, in front of the freshly painted orange wall with the ink-blot art, and she leans backward.

    Shoe: Hey Perfesser – being 200 pounds overweight, getting no exercise, lounging lethargically in an overstuffed chair, and devouring an entire pizza in a single meal while guzzling beer is America’s most popular reality survival game. Right now you look like the potential winner of the quintuple-bypass round, unless the paramedics decide that you’re just not worth the effort of lifting, and they vote you off the gurney.

  46. TheDiva
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    9CL: If this entire week were just replaced with a panel of McEldowney screaming “ART IS SEXY! PEOPLE LOVE TO WATCH SEXY ART!” it would have saved everybody a lot of time.

    C’shaft: Well, goody for you. Now what are you going to do about the 4,532,193 other infractions that are clearly not somebody else’s fault?

    Luann: And this strip could have just been replaced by a panel of Evans screaming “I’M A NICE GUY! I DO NICE THINGS FOR WOMEN BECAUSE I’M NICE! I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY WOMAN I WANT AND SHE SHOULD GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND THANK GOD THAT A NICE GUY LIKE ME CONSIDERS HER WORTHY OF MY NICE ATTENTION!”

    MT: Do most publications have a “kidnapped by 70s porno pirates” clause in their insurance?

    Pibgorn: TL;DR. Pratchett probably did it better anyway.

    SM: Yes, she chose the big, strapping, competent guy over the ineffective dork in the spandex. Who’d have thunk?

  47. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MT: “Hello, State Farm? It’s Bill Ellis over at Woods & Wildlife. Yeah, I’m going to have to file another ransom claim for one of our writers. . . . Yes, I realize our premiums will go up. Again.”

    JP: Worst. Drug-thug. Ever.

  48. Esther Blodgett
    November 9th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    FW: “Infantilized by Hidebound Literalists” would be a completely terrible, shitty name for a band.

    JP: Bubba watched Avery catch Old Hardy? Oh jeez, now it’s just creepy.

    PBS: Hey, my resume says the same thing!

    BBlues: Ketchup farts FTW.

  49. Hibbleton
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Shoe: How can you mention the perfessor and a pile of old pizza boxes without thinking of Ed Savitz?

    MT: Don’t worry, Cherry. If Doc’s cranium grows any larger, he’ll be able to telepathically transport Mark off the Island. At this very moment, he’s sucking two turtles out of the lake for tonight’s soup while having coffee.

  50. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    FW: By the last panel, Owen has had time to braid his goatee.

  51. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Yeah! Called it days ago! They said “going viral” and now my arms are raised in fists of triumph, my nips are hard as rocks and I’m totally sporting wood here! My co-workers are showering me with confetti and cheering. They’re posting a video, and the link is being passed around via text, tweets and email in a multiplying fashion to an ever-expanding group of viewers. There should even be a word to describe such a phenomenon. I call it PATTEIAMFEEGOVification!

  52. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Ghost Who is Too Muscle-Bound to Unfold His Arms.

  53. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MT – “Bill said he THOUGHT the magazine had insurance that would cover the ransom. Turns out Bill was wrong. All his dumb magazine insurance covers is the cost of refunds to the readers who return issues due to the lame articles written by Mark…which the magazine claimed would make a good story!”

  54. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Dawn certainly will never have too many friends. She probably will never have any friends.

  55. Marc
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @teenchy (#44): ROOODDDGAAHHHHS! Discount Doublecheck.

  56. Nekrotzar
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    So…comics are able to discuss serious topics, such as the question of whether comics are able to discuss serious topics. How meta. No, not exactly meta; what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, I know. Dumb.

  57. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    MW: In panel one, a hand comes in from out of panel to adjust Dawn’s head. Dawn is reluctant to move her own head, lest the sharp edges of her bob slit her throat.

  58. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#47): “Hello, State Farm? It’s Bil Ellis over at Woods and Wildlife. Yeah, I’m going to have to file another ransom claim for one of our writers. . . . ”

    Mark may be in good hands with State Farm but no need to rush payment to Otto by overnight express since Mark is so comfortable being in even BETTER hands with Senora La-Bikini-Clad Momjeans.

  59. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Luann: Are we sure Knute and Bernice are not the same person? Knute certainly looks very feminine today.

  60. ScienceGiant
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “just stone cold make out with a bunch of dudes ”

    Yes, but that is INFINITELY better then the alternative: the most awkward conversation about your daughter’s masturbation ever.

  61. pugfuggly
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#45):

    re:Shoe

    In this glutton/sloth survival game, the Perfesser does have a slight edge: the extra 4 grams of fiber he gets a night by devouring the pizza box to get the cheesy bits stuck to it.

  62. Dood
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “You can never have too many friends! Nor too much mayonnaise!”

  63. RavenHawk
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    FW: I just can’t understand why Comic Store Guy would be having marital problems.

  64. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    MT – “I’ve READ about people being kidnapped by terrorists….of course if Mark wasn’t such a tight wad we’d have a TV in this God forsaken cabin so we could WATCH about people being kidnapped by terrorists like everyone else does!”

  65. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#63): I thought Comic Book Guy (is his name John or something? Life is too short to spend trying to identify FW characters) was being set up as a classic tragic figure when Becky’s true love – Wally? Whoever he is – came back from wherever he was (prisoner of war?). I seem to recall that he loved Becky from afar and certainly you don’t see any signs that she has any affection for him. But in Batiuk-land, who does have affection for anyone (except every woman for Les).

    Why does it seem like all this happened 30 years ago?

  66. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    FW-”I just asked a rhetorical question. I didn’t come here to be lectured.”

  67. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#63): Or his marital problems could be due to the heartbreak of ED – elocutionary dysfunction.

  68. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    FW: So we all get it. “Comics” are obviously a great art form, equal in every way to the best of classic literature (if you don’t believe him, then compare the majesty that is Beetle Bailey with simplistic pulp like Wuthering Heights). Comic-book John still hasn’t offered what a better, more descriptive term would be in order to remove its pejorative moniker.

    Anyway, I like beer. Really good beer. Not mass-produced, overprocessed fizzywater, but BEER. If the overwhelming majority of the country drinks crappy swill like Bud Light or Coors, does that ruin my enjoyment of Unibroque, Rouge or or Stone? Does it bother me that the wine conniseurs look down their noses at beer? Not really. I put up with some wine snobbery. Since I’m a beer snob, I dish out a lot of snobbery myself. Would I ever pull a tirade on an unsuspecting youth pontificating longly and loudly about how beer is an equisite beverage, one of kings, full of fine craftsmanship, worthy of the highest culinary praise imaginable? I’d never… wait, I just did.

  69. kingklash
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    For a minute, I read it as “a bit of a jealous steak…”, which confused me, as a hunk of dead meat would not feel anything in the Envy range of emotions for anything happening to Margo. Then I got hungry.

  70. Scooby Don't
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Josh,

    I think this week’s FW is a direct response to you and this site. It Batiuk’s justification of why his strip is not funny.

    Don’t you get it, you hidebound literalist? It’s art! Art! Damn it.

    My, how he suffers for it.

  71. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    MT – “Good morning, Southern Part of the State Farm claims department, how may I help you?”

    “Hello. My name is Editor Bill. I am calling to inquire about the status of my insurance claim!”

    “Of course. Would that be Auto, Life, or ….”

    “Kidnapping. It is a kidnapping claim.”

    “Oh, you have a specialty policy. Let me just pull up your …. hmmm. According to my records, you are not covered under this policy any longer. It seems you collected on two at-fault kidnapping claims in the past year for a Rusty Trail? Given your record of multiple at-fault kidnappings, we were forced to discontinue your coverage.”

    “But, the second claim wasn’t an at fault!”

    “Not according to our investigation. Rusty knew the sheep-killers were in the area, he saw that the ‘abandoned’ cabin was, in fact, occupied, and yet he still loitered around, trespassing, until the perpetrators returned and caught him.”

    “Well #*!$. Looks like Mark is screwed, then. Have a nice day.”

    “You have a nice day, too, and thank you for using Southern Part of the State Farm.”

  72. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: You know, for a superhero, Spidey does a lot of standing around.

    Andy Capp: Today’s strip brings back fond childhood memories of wondering how Andy didn’t drown in all the ridiculously ill-protected canals cutting through his neighborhood. Also, why.

    Apt. 3-G: I’m waiting for a plot twist to make this story surprising. I keep staying up all night playing solitaire with a deck of 51, checking out my wallpaper and occasionally stopping to have a smoke and catch a Captain Kangaroo rerun. Yet the plot twist never comes.

    9 Chickweed Lane: This, then, is the very apex of crapulence: to create a strip that is not even worth mocking but instead should be ignored for the better of society at large and especially small children. Yes, 9CL has reached the “Rose is Rose” threshold. With any luck, like a space probe pressing beyond the shock wave that boundaries our solar system, it will now fade away ever so gently until its plaintive cries of relevance and artistry are heard no more and we can all get on with the important things in our lives, like shooting ourselves in the head with a nail gun.

    Dick Tracy: Awesome for the color scheme, if nothing else. But see those little curlicues by Measles’ head in panel one, the things that indicate he’s stoned out of his mind? I like to think each one of those is a solar system unto itself, perhaps an entire galaxy, and from one of them cries the tiniest little Who-voice, screaming something about the sexiness of classical music and how you beefwits just don’t appreciate fine art, while all this vast drama swirls around it. I guess what I’m saying is that today’s strip is a lot like The Godfather, part III.

    Judge Parker: Speaking of nonsense…

    The Lockhorns: I think Leroy means to kill those roses with his breath.

    Mark Trail: This Sunday on Mark Trail: Smut ‘n’ Turtle Eggs.

    Mary Worth: I for one look forward to Dawn’s adventures looking for a friend on her home world.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: What the hell is going on in panel two? Does that girl have a communicable disease? And no, floozy, Dr. Morgan is not interested in giving you a breast exam. He is beyond sex and other human pursuits. June, however, will be happy to help.

  73. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    MT – “I hope whoever forced Mark to go with them is treating him well. Oh well, such is life…but now must now be off to my Bingo night at the LoFo community center cabin. But first, since Rusty’s compressed foam rubber toy turtles are expanding, I must remove them from the pond before they suck up all of our drinking water!”

  74. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#63): I just can’t understand why Comic Store Guy would be having marital problems.

    Neither can I. Sure, he comes across as all gruff and pedantic, but, on the other hand, when he comes home to his wife, all the evidence indicates that he can be very disarming.

  75. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    FW: “The fools! But I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!”

    A3G: “Ms Magee has a bit of a jealous streak. And the attention span of a mayfly. Plus she tends to alienate people. Yeah, I think I’ve found my niche.”

    Shoe: … and Cosmo is playing to lose.

    MT: It’s a shame that everybody is stewing indoors, and that no one can appreciate the song and dance routine those turtles have cooked up.

    C-Shaft: The cover-up proceeds apace. Crankshaft remains free to terrorize the road and torment the English language. I hope the little girl at least got twenty dollars or a kitten for going along.

    JP: This is why Bubba keeps his secret lair well stocked with cognac and the like. The better to lubricate his ass-kissing.

    RMMD: The girls are glued to the latest viral video: a San Diego news magazine feature on an epically stiff doctor. Way to keep your finger on the pulse of the young people, Wilson.

    BB: Sarge’s family reunion is being held on the set of “Gangs of New York”?

    DT: Measles can’t hear you, of course. In fact the “yella hat and coat” he’s talking about are from a Curious George hallucination.

    6C: It’s a real no-frills place. No tables, no chairs, and the manager’s nephew did the wall mural in Sharpie.

    SSmith: Snuffy and Walt Wallet are the last two surviving World War I veterans, and Snuffy is holding up a little better.

    S-M: Spidey’s most impressive superpower may be his ability to pout through a full face mask.

    M-Dawg: They keep Marmaduke around so that he can asphyxiate garden pests with poop.

  76. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: Didn’t Aunt Cathy get Evan the job at Margo’s to begin with? Why would Margo hire someone recommended by a competitor? Oh, I forgot about Margo’s current self-destructive streak. It’s like she’s out to wreck her own small business and blame it on the onerous regulations of the government.

  77. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    MW:
    Wilbur: You can never have too many friends.

    Dawn: I have Jim and Mary and you. So I can have a fourth friend?

    Wilbur: No. Four is too many, and you can’t have too many friends.

  78. Esther Blodgett
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#77): Also, you can’t put too much water in a nuclear reactor.

  79. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Scooby Don’t (#70): “My, how he suffers for it.” – Don’t we all.

  80. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Additional thought: I do some occasional freelance writing. Do you think The Christian Century would insure me against kidnapping by bikini babes? God, I hope so.

  81. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#72):

    The Amazing Spider-Man: You know, for a superhero, Spidey does a lot of standing around.

    I believe you meant to say, “For a stander-arounder, Spidey sure dresses like a superhero.” Glad to help.

  82. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#72): A3G: I know that song, it’s from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

  83. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MT – “My mind may be gone but I sense there is a problem, Daughter. Is there anything I can do to help?”
    “Um, do you have two million dollars Dad?”
    “NO! He’s probably outside.”

  84. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MT-They’re torturing Mark, Cherry. He has to deal with a bikini clad woman who is prettier than you and a kid he would rather play with than with Rusty. It’s torture I say torture.

  85. Doctor Handsome
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    “Narrative cartoon drawings”? Man, fuck you. Also, it’s a bit unseemly for a middle-aged virgin to gripe about anything being “forever infantilized.”

  86. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MW:
    Dawn: I’m still exploring!… I’m still finding myself!

    Wilbur: Just like me. I found a new chin this morning!

  87. Alter Ego
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    love is… when she puts a lot of effort into perfecting her grip.

  88. bbofun
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    ASM- Okay, I didn’t read the comics yesterday, so let’s see- oh, so yesterday must have shown how Spidey got the lion back in it’s cage, right/ let’s check- aaaaand NO. skip right over the actual fight scene. Seems about right for this strip.
    And why was Kraven all “!” yesterday over the thought that a girl might think he would save her? He’s a Las Vegas headliner! That’s pretty much up there with movie star and pro athlete in the “women want you” sweepstakes.
    So, giving this strip the benefit of a doubt, and that it’s actually going to HAVE a plot that’s being developed (a stretch, I know- but the “Clown-9″ arc, despite it’s inanities, really did), Sherry has an agenda. Best case scenarios- she’s a crook, who’s getting close to Kraven to either seduce him back into a life of crime, or frame him for stealing the tiara, which she’ll steal herself; or she’s the wife/daughter/sister of someone Kraven hurt/killed; or she’s an animal-rights extremist, and will try to set his animals free, and possibly kill him.
    The upshot of each of these plots is that Kraven is actually reformed, and Spidey is WRONG! Which seems about right for this strip.

    A3G-I like how the narration box just says “…at the Windwood Agency” like we’re suppose to know what that is. Seems about right for this strip.

    Cranky- So, the entire resolution of this story is told, not shown, despite it pretty much contradicting everything we were told (and not shown) before (y’know, the visual of a bus driving over a french horn thrown by a student would have actually been, y’know interesting and maybe even funny), and it turns out that, despite Cranky actually deliberately NOT stopping to pick the girl up when he saw her (which is his job) and NOT stopping when you saw the horn being thrown, that the whole thing is fine, and ends with him using a pun which hardly qualifies as such. Seems about right for this strip.

    DT- I’m really excited to see how this ends! And the art is amazing!

    Seems about right for this strip.

    (Okay, I’ll stop that now.)

    FW- Can’t. I just can’t.

    JP- And thus is all dramatic tension resolved as soon as it raises it’s head. As has happened throughout this story. I mean, I’ve loved the characters- I’d read a strip about Bea, Avery, and Bubba (hopefully still with his gang o’lovable misfits, like Adam and Weezy) (Oh, and Peaches- PLEEEEAAASSEEE!) but c’mon! has there been one “twist” that hasn’t been resolved with “oh, but it’s fine”?

    Phantom- Hey, Billy Dee! Just a word of advice- it’s NEVER the natives.

    RMMD- “And you know what THAT means! He gets a free lapdance!”(Actually, why do the nubile, sexy strippers suddenly look like teen-age girls? It’s harshin’ my buzz, man.)

  89. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#66): If that were actually the dialogue of Saturday’s strip I’d take back allhalf some of the nasty things I’ve said about Batiuk and FW.

  90. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#82): Flowers on the Wall, by the Statler Brothers.

  91. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#68): “So, in summary, ‘Comics’ is an inadequate term to describe the modern-day output of the greatest geniuses working in the field. We should instead call it ‘graphic WRITING!!!!‘”

  92. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#80): Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.” However, with bikini babes, you’re on your own.

  93. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @bbofun (#88): Crossover lion plot with ASM and Phantom?

  94. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#91): Or Graphite Writing, if you use a pencil.

  95. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#47):

    JP: Worst. Drug-thug. Ever.

    True, but from our perspective Measles is the best drug-thug ever. In the cold light of day I can see why Bubba wouldn’t want to follow his example.

  96. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#80):

    I may not be able to insure you, but I can reliably ensure you that you will not be kidnapped by bikini babes. And if you are still worried about it tomorrow, I am willing to reassure you that it still won’t happen.

  97. Steve the Pocket
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Counterpoint, Mr. Batiuk: “You can make your superhero a psychopath, you can draw gut-splattering violence, and you can call it a ‘graphic novel’, but comic books are still incredibly dumb.” – Bill Watterson

    Watterson was a bit of a pretentious grouch sometimes, too, but you know what? He didn’t take time off from his job of making people laugh to deliver long-winded tirades. His long-winded tirades had punchlines.

  98. MySpoonIsTooBig
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    FW- http://www.theonion.com/articles/ill-thank-you-not-to-call-my-collection-of-sequent,16440/ They’re the SAME PERSON!

    Luann- Oh, Nice Guy-ism, this explains so much about Evans. Wonderful. The week managed to be kinda tolerable, now I’m bracing myself for a Saturday tongue-lashing at feminists for driving away nice guys blah blah blah.

  99. Doctor Handsome
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    “You can never have too many friends! Lord knows I don’t!”

  100. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    FW-Let’s skip the next several decades of history and jump ahead to why reading the front page of the paper is funnier than reading the comics page.

  101. LUJBEM FEJF
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Play that Funky music- He’s wearing that hat for comic effect. Oh, I think there’s a Jumble here. hmmmm.

  102. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#32): Gorgeous! In MT, of course, it would be a uniform drab brown.

  103. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    MT – I don’t know WHAT type of yachting insurance policy Woods and Wildlife Magazine has on their corporate yacht to cover kidnap ransom but after doing a five minute crash course of yacht insurance coverages on Google the closest thing I could find for out of the ordinary types of coverage would be paid out through the yacht owners homeowners insurance, which woulld pay as much as $1,500.00. Not bad! That would only leave $1,998,500,00 for Bill and Cherry to come up with. No problem, while Bill, Cherry, Ranger Tom Martin, Doc, Rusty and Sassy spend the next fifty years or so conducting bottle drives to raise the money, Mark will be in good hands with Senora Momjeans. Plus it will give Mark plenty of time to do some bone fishing with her son, that is when he’s not running off with Otto to the main island someplace for months at a time!

  104. Doctor Handsome
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    “Perfesser” is an ironic nickname, right? Like, he never graduated from high school?

  105. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    9CL: As with FW, we shouldn’t demean this strip by calling it mere “comics”. I’m sure Brooke would agree that “Truly Artistic Tijuana Bibles” is so much more refined.

  106. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    MW — I’ve decided I kind of like Dawn’s new goo-goo-googly eyes because they make her look like a demented flapper instead of just plain bizarre. Add a feathered headpiece to hide her racing stripe and put her in a shag dress and beads and she’ll be all set to find lots of new friends at Gatsby’s next party.

  107. jvwalt
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    FW: So, what Batiuk is saying is that his genius hasn’t been acclaimed by the masses because of “hidebound literalists” infantilizing the medium of comics, as opposed to “Funky Winkerbean is a mediocre Johnny-One-Note comic strip that’s forever trying to recapture the aura of “Lisa’s Story” and failing.

    Someone inform the Nobel committed right away!

  108. jvwalt
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Er, “Nobel committee.” My bad.

  109. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#96): Well, that’s no fun. I could have sworn I was living in a James Bond flick.

  110. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @anon (#20): BWAHAHA!

  111. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#105): I never refer to FW as a ‘comic’. I use terms that would get me banned from this blog for life.

  112. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#109):

    Well, you could very well be living in a James Bond flick, just not as the titular character who gets to hang out with the bikini babes. Some days you are the super spy, some days you are “Accident Victim #4″…

  113. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    S-M — This strip has finally come up with a villain who qualifies as a more dreaded potential airplane seatmate than Spidey himself.

  114. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#109): You picture Auric Goldfinger and Oddjob hovering over you?

  115. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    MT – Now that the election is over and the political regime on the main island has been overthrown, the corrupt leaders of the main island have exiled themselves to Argentina leaving all of the amenities of the main island, including it’s strong tourism economy, to Otto and his poor villagers. Otto quickly calls Bill Ellis to rethink their arraingment and hire Bill and his yacht to shuttle tourists back and forth making it a win-win solution for everyone! …Everyone but Mark that is, who will have to spend at least another year or two with Senora Bikini Momjeans before the corporate yacht can take the time needed to sail him back up the LoFo river back to his cabin. Maybe it would be better for everyone if Mark were to just stay on the island with Senora Momjeans. That way Mark could invite Rusty to come visit him under the pretence of taking him bone fishing….someday….maybe. “Honest, Rusty! I will take you tropical bonefishing the very day this island gets it’s first tropical snowfall, IT’S A PROMISE!

  116. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    FW — I’ll try to remember that third panel the next time I’m tempted to post a rant. *shudder* A definite incentive to be short.

  117. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    MT — Whaddya wanna bet we’ll never actually see a bonefish?

  118. Poteet
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#112): Very good point. And sometimes you are “Awestruck Onlooker #9″ and you get to survive but you only get a quarter second of camera time.

  119. Gal Friday
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Whoa–”Here . . . watch these die!”–I thought that was the motto of Dick Tracy?

    FW: “Infantilized by Hidebound Literalists”–my goodness! Who are these people he’s talking about? No one has had this “conversation” ever.

  120. Gal Friday
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    FW: A hidebound literalist might point out that Komix Korner is not a corner.

  121. Inkwell
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    We don’t hate Funky because it’s unfunny.

    We hate it because it makes no freaking sense.

  122. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#120): Komix Korner is where you get cornered by Comic Book John and his doofy ideas.

    How do people get in there, anyway – up the fire escape? Maybe John pulls it up so his customers can’t escape him.

  123. Gal Friday
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#122):

    LOL–too true!

  124. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#121): The tastes great’ ‘less calories’ conundrum. I hate it because it’s unfunny AND because it makes no sense. And for several other reasons, too.

  125. Bud
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Another thing Bat-Crap has proven this week: You shouldn’t publish your Master’s thesis in the “funny pages”

  126. Comcis Fan
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    FW: To paraphrase Michael Steele, we’re being spanked, and we’re being spanked bad! Ooh, call me and infantilizing hidebound literalist again!

  127. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s Wilbur has descended to the level of ripping off slogans from Hello Kitty. http://www.hello-kitty.co.uk/?p=about

  128. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#118): Is there a role for “Middle-Aged Woman Lightly Stroking Daniel Craig’s Abs”? (I don’t care if I’m #1 or #213.) Because if so, I’m in.

  129. Comcis Fan
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    MW: What in the name Michelangelo’s David is Dawn talking about? She has explored nothing other than the cafeteria and grounds of Mountview Hospital, with traumatized, volatile, one-armed Jim.

  130. Baka Gaijin
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Oh, God. Dawn’s fingering herself “exploring herself” at the dinner table. Luckily her totally oblivious father won’t notice when she re-enacts the diner scene from “When Harry Met Sally.”

    Cherry Trail’s looking jaunty in her “Bandanas by Blaze” neckwear.

    And now we know why Pluggers keep saying they’re exercising yet always need the power scooter in the WalMart.

  131. Comcis Fan
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#126): “an” infantilizing hidebound literalist.

  132. Becky H.
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    FW: All right, Mr. Soapbox, you know so much about comics, here’s another question for you: Why has a tired old fossil of a comic strip that keeps pulling out dramatic twists over and over again in a sad attempt to stay fresh and relevant, despite the fact that it hasn’t been since maybe the early Nineties, still have a dedicated enough readership that newspapers are still running it? Got a long-winded and pretentious answer for that?

  133. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    A3G-”Asleep at the wheel, Aunt Cathy? We’re not driving. We are a publicity agency at the moment.”

  134. Inkwell
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#124): What I meant was that I don’t hate it for trying to tell a serious story, I guess. I forgot that the strip even tries to be funny. The smirks are the only reminder.

    I wonder if it’s even possible to be serious in a daily comic strip. Soap operas and serials are always awful, and then there’s been Foob and Funky.

  135. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#128): Somehow I doubt that you would be the first.

  136. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    A truly hidebound literalist would say that Buffalo Bill is a hidebound literalist. Maybe Ed Gein, too.

  137. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#134): I see your subtle distinction, but please, don’t apologize for hating FW, whatever your reason.

  138. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#114): You have something better for me to do while the choir is singing?

  139. Becky H.
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#136): What about Leatherface?

  140. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#134): I’ll be serious for a moment. Foob and FW started as humor strips and still pretend to humor, I think. I’m sure Batiuk think’s he’s hilarious. Johnston always went for mild humor, which got milder as it went along. But look at The Phantom – no laughter going on there. Prince Valiant, and other adventure strips. Thank goodness we no longer have mystery strips like The Jackson Twins (think Nancy Drew times two), assuming we don’t consider Shylock Fox to be a mystery strip (it isn’t really a comic strip at all, more like a kid’s puzzle). But look at me, going on and on, like Comic Book John!

  141. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#138): OK, now, that’s just sick.

  142. Becky H.
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    FW: Wait, another thought just occurred to me. When we last left Comic Book John, he said that he gets asked that question “all the time”. How the hell does he stay in business if he’s constantly spouting this ass-numbingly long speech to bored teenagers?

    And one last note; as a formerly frequent patron of comic shops (before the local ones moved too far away to be convenient), I’ve never asked, or heard anyone ask why “comics” aren’t always funny. Hell, the only question I ask when I’m in the comic shop is “Jesus Christ, do I really spend that much on Astro City and Blue Beetle back issues?”

  143. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    FW: Don’t mind me, Batiuk, I’m just hangin’ around, enjoyin’ the meltdown. You’re in full-on Grade A “beefwit” territory, my friend. and it is delightful. I can’t get enough of you alienating actual fans and proving once and for all that you’re just a self-important plonker whose best and only skill is drawing smirks. But hey, cheer up, kiddo. If you can learn how to draw a sexy pair of thigh-high black leather boots, we’ll send you back to 1972 to illustrate the margins of Playboy Magazine, so at least you can be somewhat useful to society.

  144. odinthor
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    #29. Marc.

    It must just be because I’m a beefwit and don’t go to the ballet or classical music performances; but I can’t imagine anyone bringing a bunch of flowers to throw in approval at the two fuckups fornicating on stage.

    Before 9/11, folks in Orange Co., Calif., indeed did bring flowers to throw onstage at the ballet (after 9/11, they were no longer allowed, which was a shame). Whether it was sometimes in approval at two fuckups fornicating on stage depends upon how metaphorical we want to go.

    Apt. 3-G. — “But I don’t use my hand anymore. Margo and I . . . oh, you mean . . . um, never mind . . . “

    Luann. — I find that Luann frequently inspires a movement.

  145. Lupin The 3.1415926th
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    “Worst. Comic Strip. EVER.” – Simpsons Comic Book Guy, when asked about Funky Winkerbean.

  146. Shrug, Admirer of Abuse
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan, lazy professor (#72):

    “9 Chickweed Lane: This, then, is the very apex of crapulence: to create a strip that is not even worth mocking but instead should be ignored for the better of society at large and especially small children. Yes, 9CL has reached the “Rose is Rose” threshold. With any luck, like a space probe pressing beyond the shock wave that boundaries our solar system, it will now fade away ever so gently until its plaintive cries of relevance and artistry are heard no more and we can all get on with the important things in our lives, like shooting ourselves in the head with a nail gun.”

    Lovely crescendo of snark there. I think this is my current nominee for COTW.

  147. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#136), @Becky H. (#139): Kravan the Hunter is another hidebound literalist. I point this out in the hope that it will lead to a cross-over, in which Les Moore gets devoured by a lion.

    OK, who am I kidding. Les will get an arm chewed off, and the lion will get cancer.

  148. Inspector Butterflyfish, LFHD
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#52): He’s just self-conscious of his moobs.

  149. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    JP/The Avery Show – yesyesyes, I called it!
    Except for the bear hug and canned laughter part – you’ll just have to imagine those pieces for yourself.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7CIfvMwEk4

  150. Chyron HR
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    FW – This seems like a terribly plebian observation, but remember when Batiuk was lecturing us about how comic book characters should be fun, like BleedSpeedball, and not all “serious” and “mature”?

  151. Shrug, Bearer of Bathos
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#68):

    “Does it bother me that the wine conniseurs look down their noses at beer? Not really.”

    I’m reminded of one of my favorite COLLEGE HUMOR jokes from at least fifty years ago, which went approimately:

    “A fine vintage wine,” said the coed, “is to me an artistic experience. It enhances the spiritual depths of my inmost soul. It gently whispers to that mystic Presence within me of the utmost values of art and beauty, blended into an almost-unbearably overpowering sense of benediction, leaving me shaken and transformed by a veritable touch of the aesthetic Godhead. Beer, on the other hand, makes me fart.”

  152. This Guy
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @tigi (#6): Damn right. Fucking joke thieves…

  153. Perky Bird
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man: “I’ve always admired your mastery over wild animals! Now, how about taming my wild va-jay-jay!”

  154. un malpaso
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Wow, now that she has parental license, maybe Dawn can finally get to second base with someone before they realize she’s a nutbox and flee forever!

  155. Señor Tortilla
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    BB – I had to look up what a shillelagh was.

    FW – Wait, they’re above Montoni’s? What are they doing in Darin & Jessica’s apartment?

    GA – Careful, kid–Boog has those weird eyes. He’ll eat your soul.

  156. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#141): You don’t know (what used to be) my choir.

  157. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Admirer of Abuse (#146): Jinx! (It’s probably too long for a COTW anyway, but thank you for the compliment.)

  158. bats :[
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

  159. Jonn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    RE Funky: Ironically, Willis himself has more than a few Shortpacked!s on the subject of comics and other things that are just as preachy as the FW storyline, if with thin attempts at humor. Of course, by his own admission, he makes those comics for people who already agree with him.

  160. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @lorne (#2):
    Sounds kinda like that new Bruce Willis movie.

    MW – So Dawn is still finding herself = she is trying new masturbation techniques.

  161. Gringo
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    he’s just going to sit in his overstuffed armchair with a beer, eating a pizza right out of the box, and staring at the TV with dead eyes

    Are you implying that there’s something wrong with this lifestyle choice?!

    / Weeps

  162. bats :[
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#71): maybe Bill Ellis can exchange Flo from Progressive for Mark…

  163. Here come the Judge
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Huh… Bubba saved Avery’s fish photos for him, so he clearly knows how to operate one of these newfangled computer thingamajigs that all the kids are using these days. And yet, he still felt it necessary to smash the camera that took the photos? Maybe he was working on his Gallagher tribute act.

  164. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#4):
    Maybe it has to do with potentially incriminating fingerprints on the camera?
    See, I’m overthinking all this. My brain does that quite often.

  165. Artist formerly known as Ben
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#121): Oh, so many reasons. You don’t have to choose just one.

  166. Gary
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Little known fact: “Here…watch these die” was the working title for Funky Winkerbean.

  167. Inspector Butterflyfish, LFHD
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: See, guys, this is why you should not feed pizza crusts to birds (which some of my neighbors do). It’s simply not good for them. Turns them into anthropomorphic, goggle-eyed, chronically depressed over-eating sluggards.

  168. Hidebound Literalist
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

  169. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Gary (#166): New keyboard. You owe me one. Over here.

  170. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#68): Become a Scotch whisky snob, so that you can look down your nose at wine snobs. Barley is the best revenge.

  171. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#91):
    “Or three-dimensional text!”

  172. Lloyd S.
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    In Mark Trail, Evan would undoubtedly be a hero, maybe even the Messiah, clean-cut, thoroughly shaved, affable, good looking blond guy that he is. But since all the men in A3G are pretty much indistinguishable, he gets to be a baddie there, ’cause let’s face it, somebody’s gotta do it.

  173. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#155): BB: Yah, turns out that Sarge is Irish. He changed his name from O’Snorkel, or maybe it was just an Army typo on his recruitment papers that was never corrected. Perhaps Mort Walker will even give him a first name one day.

  174. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#36):
    What was it that Heath Ledger/Ennis said to his daughter at the end of Brokeback Mountain? “You don’t need nothin’ if you ain’t got nothin”?
    Or something like that.

  175. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#173):
    Orville.
    Christ I’m getting old.

  176. terrapin
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    MT: “I’ve read about people being kidnapped by terrorists. I hope they’re not probing him. No, wait…that’s people who get kidnapped by aliens. I’ve read about them too.”

  177. Victory Garden
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    9CL is in reruns. This is the same week as the one where they did the nasty in the hotel, on the piano, and got webcammed … He must be on election vacay or something.

  178. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#170): I can’t be a Scotch snob, living in Kentucky. I’d have to be a Bourbon snob.

    And look down my nose at you Scotch snobs.

  179. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#173): From wikipedia — Sergeant 1st Class Orville P. Snorkel

  180. Illustrator Steve
    November 9th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    MT – If Mark and Bill hadn’t been so damn boneheaded about going fishing for BONE FISH Mark wouldn’t have been kidnapped and they wouldn’t be out two million dollars in ransom money. Besides, if they had been smart they would have gone fishing for BONELESS FISH. Much easier to fillet that way.

  181. Marc
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#155): I had always assumed that shillelagh was another way of saying penis. I guess I just figured that it fit in perfectly with the homoerotic subtext between Beetle and Sarge, that I didn’t even bother to look up the real definition.

  182. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#173): I think Sgt. Snorkel does have a first name. Seems to me that Louise Lugg calls him something. It’s one of those stupid names, like Elmer or something. Oh, Lord – why do I know this???

  183. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#175): OK we are both in the same boat. Orville. Lord.

  184. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#41):
    Oh God, for a moment I thought yoiu meant multiple …
    oh never mind. : P

  185. Hidebound Literalist
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Victory Garden (#177): Is ‘election’ a typo in your post?

  186. lynn
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#179): ‘P’ is probably for Patrick. Hence the shillealagh.

  187. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Will the real Bubba please stand up?

    Bubba 1: I’m a violent criminal and a ruffian.
    Bubba 2: I’m an agreeable, easy-going model of affability with extraordinary taste, class and sophistication!

    Bubba 1: I’m going to carve you up with a chainsaw.
    Bubba 2: Come and enjoy a drink with me in my gaudy living room!

    Bubba 1: Surrender my pot farm? I’m going to carve you, Pillsbury-boy.
    Bubba 2: I will gladly give up my hard-earned lucrative empire that I built from the ground up with my bare hands, so a city slicker like you can be a silent partner in a vacation lodge for other rich fatasses!

    Bubba 1: I smashed your camera.
    Bubba 2: I saved your pictures, instantly resolving your minor conflict in the least interesting way possible!

    I swear, Bubba should be running for President.

  188. Chip Whittle
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Becky H. (#142):

    FW: Wait, another thought just occurred to me. When we last left Comic Book John, he said that he gets asked that question “all the time”. How the hell does he stay in business if he’s constantly spouting this ass-numbingly long speech to bored teenagers?

    Comic Book John counts it as “being asked” or “having a social interaction” whenever any of his many, many imaginary friends and customers speak to him, or help dry the tears as he stuff his weeping face into his pillow every night.

  189. btown
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#134): Doonesbury seems, at times, to come reasonably close to being both serious and funny. Unfortunately it has too many characters that all look and talk exactly the same, so I can never keep track of what the @&%# is going on.

  190. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    FW -

    There is The Phantom, which does a good job of telling entertaining and often unpredictable stories, even within the confines of daily serialization and the ridiculousness of the whole “guy who wears funny outfits and fights crime as a vigilante” genre.

    There is Dick Tracy, which has taken an incoherent, legacy strip and turned it into something entertaining and on-the-good-side-of-lunacy again.

    There is Pearls Before Swine, whose daily gag is funny more often than it is not.

    Of course, if you want the Comic as an art form, you have to look to the few transcendent artists. Walt Kelly was able to mix political satire, slapstick, character-driven gentle humor, dialect, and incredibly expressive drawings. Charles Shultz wrote ‘Peanuts”. Bill Watterson wrote ‘Calvin and Hobbes’.

    Then there is Funky Winkerbean, in which a middle-aged adult with two-toned hair wearing a Batman t-shirt while standing in his Comic Book store above the pizza joint is lecturing the teenagers who patronize his business about infantalization.

  191. commodorejohn
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#68): Hurrah for good beer!

    FW: “And so, in conclusion, anybody who criticizes Serious Comics is a poopyhead. Hey, wait, where are you going? I have another whole week of lecturing to do! Come back! You kids are my only outlet, dammit, my wife runs off to her sister’s when I try this at home!”

  192. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Ok, I was mistaken, Sarge has a first name.

    As disturbing as it is to pack tools of violence when visiting family, at least he’s not bringing bondage and fetish gear. That would be more disturbing.

  193. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Tomorrow in Gil Thorpe, Terry Gallagher gets ejected from the Milford vs. Madison game for illegal use of shillelagh.

  194. FafMor7
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    DT: Charge of the High Brigade!

  195. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#15) said: “JP-Wouldn’t it of been easier to destroy the memory card in the camera or just delete the pictures you didn’t like.”

    Avery used brute force to destroy the memory card because his original, gentler attempt, exposing the card to sunlight, didn’t work.

  196. Bootsy
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I can only hope this storyline ends in the hallway outside 3G, Evan and Aunt Cathy with buckets on their heads, being tased by an anonymous neighbor.

  197. Anonymous
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    FW- I’m wondering how many times Comics John got beat up a a kid. How many times he was bodily thrown from the tree fort when he went into a Sheldon Cooper-ish rant about comic books. Hell, I’d like to beat him up right now. And it wouldn’t be bullying. It would be justifiable assault.

  198. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    #197 ’twas I.

  199. Hart of Johnny
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Barium can go suck on a tailpipe, but I really do think that Lockhorns is hilarious.

  200. Elk Meadow
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    FW: Man, Batiuk must hate Doonesbury. Or maybe he doesn’t read it. To have a narrative comic strip be able to deal with current topics AND be funny in a non-smirky way just doesn’t cut it in his universe. Unlike The One Armed Band Teacher, B.D.’s missing leg isn’t featured in every single strip he’s in. Toogle wears an eyepatch and it’s accepted as a normal fact of his life, instead of his wearing a rag held on with a safety pin. B.D. also gets counseling for his P.T.S.D. (Gads, can you imagine what Batiuk would have done with Melissa’s story line?)

  201. Liam
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Remember, Evan, you are a terrible card player with a very obvious tell.

  202. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    I am not going to beat up on the Old Perfesser in Shoe. There is many a night I come home late from work with a couple of slices and a beer. I am a chubby 60 year old who consistently falls asleep in front of the TV with the living room lights out. I anxiously await the next episode of Storage Wars and****snore****I am gone.

    Old Perfesser? C’est moi!

  203. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    JP – I saw the movie “The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.” It looks like Old Hardy is the fish that saved a pot farmer, a movie mogul, an innkeeper and Sam Driver, starring as Pittsburgh.

  204. Alfred E. Neuman
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#195): Oh, yecch! The comment should read:

    Bubba used brute force to destroy the memory card because his original, gentler attempt, exposing the card to sunlight, didn’t work.

    I made a furshlugginer mess of that one. I blame my hidebound literalist keyboard.

  205. Elk Meadow
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Gal Friday (#119):

    Actually, Adam@home has been just as obnoxious with the vocabulary. It’s also ripped off “For Better or for Worse” with Percy (a Gordon look-alike) being bullied.

  206. Elk Meadow
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @jvwalt (#108):

    No, you’re good. You were right the first time.

  207. pastordan, lazy professor
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#181): Shillelagh is also a slang term for a stick shift mounted on the floor of a muscle car. Now process that.

  208. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    If McEldowney and Batiuk were ballplayers, we would say they have “rabbit-ears.” Nothing pleases critics more than lame, half-assed attempts at “teachable moments,” which simply prove we’ve gotten your goat and touched a nerve.

    In other words: Neener, neener!

  209. Mr Frog
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    FW: In the third panel, far offscreen, Batiuk’s ego grows beyond its Schwarzchild radius and collapses into a supermassive black hole of condescension, causing the lights in the comic book shop to blueshift out of the visible range as the entire Winkerverse is drawn inexorably into the abyss, twisted and stretched by the sheer force of smugness into a long, increasingly-thin diatribe. As the shop approaches the event horizon, the progress of the plot within will seem to slow to a halt to outside observers such as ourselves, leaving us to watch as a guy with stupid hair delivers an endless, whiny filibuster to a guy in a stupid hat, day after day… week after week… forever.

    At least Batiuk’s apparent seething contempt towards anyone who ever derived positive emotions from fiction is being directly-stated here, rather than buried under a thin layer of narrative.

  210. Elk Meadow
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Steve the Pocket (#97):

    I remember a particular run of X-Men, where Wolverine and Co. couldn’t go a page without quoting some thing from Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. I remember one page in particular where Mystique was melting from his quoting
    “Stranger, announce to the Spartans that here
    We lie, having fulfilled their orders,” and explaining the Battle of Thermopylae, which he managed to do in one page, four panels. Which was all very educational, but I’m still in a snit about the whole Jane Grey/Phoenix thing, and I’m still awaiting an apology for the death of a traincar load of mutants back in (RL) early 1990′s).

  211. Peanut Gallery
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail, Master of Circumlocution – “I hope whoever forced Mark to go with them is giving him the kind of gum people chew when they’re trying to quit smoking!”

  212. AndyL
    November 9th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    If Lockhorns had a second panel, Leroy would set the roses on fire.

  213. La Cieca
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#16): They’re not drinking. They’re just playing “toss the tumbler.”

  214. Peanut Gallery
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – That video could hardly miss, since it was posted by none other than Mayor Dalton’s Prostate. Over 2000 PacePals!

  215. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    Is Jackelrod using the same Mark Trail clip art file for Pops on the island and for Doc back in LoFo? And is that clip art file labeled “Mr. Mxyzptlk”?

  216. Inspector Butterflyfish, LFHD
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#215): Mark does have all the hallmarks of a five-dimensional being trying to function in a three-dimensional world that slides second-by-second inexorably along the fourth dimension — his stilted language, wooden mannerisms, lack of empathy, misreading/ignoring social/emotional cues, not understanding how time works (i.e., that taking your child fishing once in the past does not count toward the fulfillment of promises to do so in the future) — LIALT KRAM! LIALT KRAM!

  217. gleeb
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#140): You don’t think Gawain in Prince Valiant is mostly comic relief?

  218. Team Beasly
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    The Funkyization of Shoe continues. Eventually, goggle-eyed horror at century-old gags and puns will be replaced by goggle-eyed horror as the Treetop Tattler’s branches are battered and torn by vicious, climate-changed induced storms. It will wreak particular havoc on this avian race, leaving the drenched, feathery, disease-ridden husks of lonely, sullen bird drunks and lazy, hack bird journalists strewn up and down the countryside, emanating the stench of cheap stale cigar smoke and bird shit.

  219. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#192): my sergeant has a first name, it’s O-R-V-I-L-L-E. . . .

  220. commodorejohn
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#140): I beg to differ. The Phantom isn’t a gag strip, to be certain, but in its lighter moments it’s often pretty wry; the kind of thing that deserves an honest smirk, as opposed to the kind Funky sprinkles like punch-inducing confetti. (See, for example, that Sunday storyline a little while ago with the criminals holding rehearsals for a bank robbery. That was pretty damn amusing by the end.) And Prince Valiant, for all its overall dignity, has some laugh-out-loud funny moments (anything when Val and Aleta have a fight is gold.) Sure, they’re not slapstick comedy, but that doesn’t mean they’re not funny.

  221. Team Beasly
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @tigi (#6): “Here, watch the Lockhorns lift an old Demetri Martin joke.”

    Let’s be fair, in the context of the comics page, stealing from a comedian popular within the last 30 years is downright fresh and topical!

  222. Joshua
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns creative team: “Yo, Funky Winkerbean. This is how you do it.”

    *drops mic, leaves stage*

  223. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns – Could I see a panel with Leroy pissing on the roses? Puh-leeeeze?

  224. Peanut Gallery
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Maybe I should move to Baltimore and start a blog called “The Comics Hidebound Literalist.”

  225. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Steve the Pocket (#97): I like graphic novels. I like psychopaths as protagonists. I like the blood spatter. The best thing is when those elements are combined with a good story, told expertly, of course. I’ve read some hidebound novels that have sucked.

    I read The Hobbit and the graphic novel for The Hobbit, and the graphic presentation does it justice. I gave the graphic novel to my kids, so they could experience the written version before they saw any movie about it. They’re young and they’d be daunted by the prose.

    I also read The Lightning Thief graphic novel, but I haven’t read the book yet. It seemed to present the story well.

    Sorry to disagree with Watterson, but graphic novels are a legit form of literature.

  226. commodorejohn
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#225): I’ll reserve judgement on a graphic-novel version of The Hobbit until I’ve read it, but how old are your kids? I read through The Hobbit when I was eight; it’s not a terribly difficult book.

  227. yaoi huntress earth
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Imagine if McEldowney and Batiuk were to join forces since “no one understands their intellect”. I’d give it two months before they’re at each other’s throats (Brooke would find Batiuk too lowbrow while Batiuk would not like that he’s not depressing.)

  228. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Said by millions of Youtube viewers worldwide: Ooooh my gosh! Look at that cute kitten scratching on a ball of yarn! Oooohhh, that’s so cute! Hey! There’s a doctor in the background resuscitating an old woman!

  229. seismic-2
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: No, the real viral video these days is the one of Nurse June wearing the Saran-wrap swimsuit at the Stripper Apartment House party. It got more hits then even that old one of a judge falling off the roof of a Broadway theater.

  230. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#226): My kids are 6 and 7. They’re good readers. They’ve read 2 Harry Potters each. But I want to expedite The Hobbit in front of the movie. They’re still young enough to be intimidated by big books, because it is a serious time committment.

    Tolkien is dense at the start of Hobbit and LOTR. His other books are dense all the way through. If my kids sort of understand that there’s a worthwhile adventure up ahead, they won’t bail after the first 20 pages. They might not, anyway.

  231. SeiShonagon
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    (Re: Funky) Except Alan Moore, and a million dollar Hollywood film industry, and Marvel and DC own half our souls, and massive Comic Cons, and maybe the problem is your comic isn’t very good?

  232. MySpoonIsTooBig
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Pure speculation, but I have a feeling FW’s John is one of those comics guys who has a dismissive attitude towards “girl’s comics”, or has a condescending attitude towards female creators. I’ve known too many “I’m a comics expert, guys!!! Wait, who the hell is (insert prolific female cartoonist)” sorts.

  233. bats :[
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#198): could’ve been any of us.

  234. commodorejohn
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#230): …okay, I could go off on a Funky-caliber monologue here, but you’re probably the better judge of your kids than I am. Just make sure they actually read the book in the near future, please?

  235. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#192):
    You weren’t mistaken, you just didn’t know. : )
    I find it hard to know all the names in comic land. Especially the blandies of 3G.

  236. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    SM: Maybe if I keep standing here quietly, they’ll start making out in front of me!

  237. Calico
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#192):
    Can you imaging Sarge in assless chaps? Sort of like Vito Spatafore.

  238. Nehemiah Scudder, First Prophet
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#15): JP-Wouldn’t it of been easier to destroy the memory card in the camera or just delete the pictures you didn’t like.

    It may be possible to recover deleted files from a flash drive, such as a camera might use, and Bubba rightly did not want to take the risk. On the other hand, it is trivially easy to copy just the safe files, such as Avery’s fish pix, from the flash drive to the memory stick.

  239. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#228): good thing it was a kitten. If it was a corgi, no one would have noticed anything in the background at all.

    also, *snurk!*

  240. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#234): That’s the eventual intent. If any Batuik-smug-pontificating-jackass starts in on me for letting my six year old daughter read the graphic novel before she takes on 250 pages of fantasy lit without a single female character, I’ll let it be known that we don’t watch tv. The competition for her time (besides homework) is books that my wife wants our kids to read like Little House on the Praire. Due to the graphic novel, I’m gaining the edge.

  241. hogenmogen
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#232):
    Comic-book John better be familiar with graphic novel chick lit, he’d better stock it, and he’d better tell his female clients how great he thinks it is. If he doesn’t, he’ll go broke, get divorced and end up with cancercancercancer!

    Wait, this is the Funkyverse. If you show potential to avoid disaster, you’ll get cut. So, what the hell. John, go ahead and dis “Four Women” and “Strangers in Paradise”. Wind up a miserable failure. Make it a slow, lingering failure, because a spectacular failure would be interesting to read. Don’t forget to complain about being fat, poor and ailing. That never gets old.

  242. Chaze
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    I would just like to say that no comic artist draws fat guys better than Henry’s Carl Anderson. The only problem is that EVERY adult male he draws (drew?) is fat.

  243. SF_Reader
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    JP – Wow, could this story get any sappier? It started out with dangerous drug lords who were ready to kill, for fun. Now everyone’s holding hands getting ready to sing kumbayai.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder, First Prophet
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#240): Little House on the Prarie is actually pretty good. Though I was in my forties before I got around to reading it. I don’t know if I would have liked it as a 6 or 7 YO boy.

    // Just sayin’.

  245. tallyHO
    November 9th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Do you think Batuik intentionally or subconsciously made the silhouette of the kid look like a hillbilly Suess character?

    I say it was unintentional.

  246. commodorejohn
    November 9th, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, First Prophet (#244): I liked the Little House books as a kid. Not as much as I liked The Hobbit, but still. Good stuff.

  247. Sans Sense
    November 9th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    How could they ever possibly write another Lockhorns after this? This is transcendent.

  248. MWDG
    November 9th, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    MW:

    Do you think King Features asked Karen Moy to beef up the teen angle on MW to increase readership? I pray to God that Ms.Moy does not see Dawn as a typical teen.

    I believe the following from might explain Dawn:
    With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.

    Genetics. Personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental disorders among family members (i.e., Wilbur).
    Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse (long time readers of MW have often suspected an inappropriate relationship between Wilbur and Dawn).

    Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
    Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex (Drew did Dawn . in many different ways three years ago… if I read between the lines correctly … Drew did Dawn in a barn while Vera was outside a stable grooming a hourse)
    Wide mood swings
    Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
    Suicidal behavior
    Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
    Fear of being alone
    Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

    The descriptoin above pretty much sounds like Dawn. It is about time the Westons were forced out of Charterstone. For the life of me I don’t know how they can afford the place. Wilbur has his sissy job at the paper impersonating a female psychologist that can’t bring in more than 20K a year. I hope Jim takes both of them out. Jim might be the only character in this strip crazier than Dawn.

  249. Shrug, Hollerer to Hootnannies
    November 9th, 2012 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#243):

    “JP – Wow, could this story get any sappier? It started out with dangerous drug lords who were ready to kill, for fun. Now everyone’s holding hands getting ready to sing kumbayai.”

    You see a deep mine shaft before you.

    // Enter the mine shaft.

    You encounter a +9 Dangerous Drug Lord with a chainsaw. Do you fight or negotiate?

    // Negotiate.

    Your +15 Averyisque Negotiating Power is succeeding. The Dangerous Drug Lord is about to put down his chainsaw and sing “Kumbayai.” Do you fight or negotiate?

    // Fight.

    The Dangerous Drug Lord lops off your head with his chainsaw. On the upside, he does *not* sing “Kumbayai.” You Win, and receive 5,000 “Better Dead Than Kumbayaied At” experience points. And a picture of a fish.

    // Yay!!!

  250. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    November 9th, 2012 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#121):

    We don’t hate Funky because it’s unfunny.

    We hate it because it makes no freaking sense.

    Vendos anyone? Anyone?

  251. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    November 9th, 2012 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#46): @MySpoonIsTooBig (#98): Thank you both for putting your finger right on what’s been bugging me about this particular story arc. It’s one more manifestation of Evan’s resentment that being “nice” isn’t enough to get him laid.

    (Hint: being a decent human being is something you do because that’s what you do, not because it will get you special favors. Being a decent human being is the default setting, not the “Wow, he’s so amazing” setting, or at least it should be.)

  252. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    November 9th, 2012 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    @Here come the Judge (#163): @Calico (#164): This has been bothering me, too, from the very moment that the camera became an issue.

    I’ve been trying to explain this last bit as Bubba wanting to prevent Avery from taking more pictures of the pot field, but since that could be handled by holding onto the camera and not giving it to Avery until later, I remain unconvinced by my own logic.

  253. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    November 9th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#225): @commodorejohn (#226): I’ve got several graphic novel versions of The Hobbit, actually, including one in Russian (which has the weirdest concept of a Hobbit I’ve ever seen). Compared to the trilogy, it’s got a pretty tight plot and a relatively small group major characters to keep track of, so it’s conducive to adaptations. (The animated movie of it will always remain my most favorite of those, however.)

    That said, while there are parts of the reading of it that can be daunting to kids, the story and indeed much of the writing isn’t beyond their grasp. I say this as a kid who remembers having The Hobbit read to me by my mother when I was small; it’s the first book I remember having read to me, in fact. And later, when I was in college, one of my dormmates read a chapter from it nightly, and it still worked.

    So that’s another way to introduce a kid to it.

  254. demoncat
    November 9th, 2012 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    mw. yes dawn is thinking wilbur is the best dad now for i can go out and have as much sex as i want including now with some male prositutes . shoe. lol cosmos is right humanity will only survive by having to accept reality tv since it will soon rule the world

  255. tymime
    November 9th, 2012 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    Resembling Cartoon Network is a “deterioration”? People who want comics to be funny are “hidebound literalists”? God, that guy is an asshole.

    The guy obviously has no clue about humorous comics. I’m a cartoonist and an amateur cartoon historian, and I know this- for the past twenty years, most humorous comics have been based on TV and film properties, like Looney Tunes, DuckTales, and Powerpuff Girls.
    Since the only licensed comics in recent years that weren’t Time Warner properties (aka Cartoon Network programs) have been Disney, there’s no such thing as “resembling Cartoon Network”.
    And since when is that a bad thing?

    Folks like Dreamworks have only started doing comics very recently.

    Sorry, comic store guy, your fancy words just show that you’re a snobbish jerk.

  256. SPCA
    November 26th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    MW: I love where this plotline could go- kind of a ‘stalker vs stalker’ scenario…. As Dawn continually texts her “I just want to be friends” rejection messages, Jim withdraws further from reality, believing he is being persecuted. This results in tit-for-tat actions, such as posting anonymously on Dawn’s Facebook page, alleging her slut-like behaviour. Dawn goes to Mary for advice, since Jim won’t return her texts (how could he do that?). Mary: “We must be careful with the casserole of emotions, if the oven is too hot, we ruin the meal”.
    The battle heats up, with Dawn literally stalking Jim in the hospital, sending little notes in with his meals & meds, in which she threatens to hurt herself if he doesn’t respond. This culminates in the discovery of a female mannequin wearing orange/black clown hair at Dawn’s apt building with one arm ripped off and nails driven into the eye sockets.
    Dawn tearfully whines to Mary: “I can’t believe this is going to end with a restraining order!”

  257. hcv
    November 27th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @tigi (#6):

    Love me some Demetri Martin, but I was reminded of an even older WKRP reference. Jennifer is supposedly suffering from the holiday blues, so the boys at the office show up at her place bearing a gift:

    Johnny: In the spirit of Christmas, we killed a tree for you.

    (What do you mean, ‘November 9th, dude!’? SPCA did it too!)

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