The Comics Curmudgeon

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Hitting rock bottom

Dennis the Menace, 5/9/08

Dennis, you little devil! See, Dennis gave milk to Hot Dog without asking his parents, and it got splashed all over the carpet, and it’ll be impossible to get it out, and once it spoils, the living room is going to REEK! Ha ha! SO MENACING!

OK, no, there’s no way to get any menace out of this. Seriously, he’s making an adorable statement about a purring kitty-cat. At this point, he’s out-Jeffying Jeffy.

Family Circus, 5/9/08

Case in point. At least this panel has taken the crowd-pleasing step of showing us Jeffy being grievously injured.

Apartment 3-G, 5/9/08

What is Alan smoking? I mean this question quite literally. “Pipe” plus “rock” equals “crack,” obviously, but the lingo has been inconsistent enough that I’m still holding out for heroin, which you can in fact smoke from a pipe if you’re a-scared of needles. I’m not sure why I’m rooting for the horse; maybe it’s an act of local pride (Baltimore being something of a heroin town), or maybe because being a junkie has a bit more old-school charm than being a crackhead. I’m certainly hoping that all this fuss isn’t over marijuana (OH MY GOD AN ARTIST SMOKES POT WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT?).

I do like the mournful, baffled way in which Alan is regarding his toothbrush in panel two. “Wait, is this my pipe? Oh, God, I’m so [APPROPRIATE SLANG TERM] on [DRUG]!”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/9/08

Jamaal and Yolanda have carried mutual but unrequited torches for each other for pretty much the whole time I’ve been reading this strip. They’re like the Mulder and Scully of mediocre comic strips that nobody really reads. That’s the context for the first panel, which must surely count as the most awkward attempt to shift gears from friendship to romance in the history of human interaction. Of course, it quickly descends into madness, with Yolanda replying in a manner that no human being would, ever, just to set up a deeply lame joke, but I still can’t get past Jamaal’s super-smooth technique. What if she had taken it more positively? What would his next move had been? “How do you feel about friends kissing with tongues? How do you feel about one friend’s penis kissing another friend’s vagina?”

Dick Tracy, 5/9/08

“Yeah, you know, they do something really mundane, like rescue the police force’s two top officers with a 900-year-old weapon while an entire SWAT team is held at bay, and then stand around all needy, like they want a medal or something. Get a life, loser!”

In other news: Comic Sans has been banished! Huzzah!

This entry was posted on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 03:38 pm and is filed under Apartment 3-G, Dennis the Menace, Dick Tracy, Family Circus, Herb and Jamaal.

167 responses to “Hitting rock bottom”

banana
May 9th, 2008 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

wow, I recently took a test on muscles of the face and well…herb and jamaal is at least accurate. Not funny, but accurate.
Bootsy
May 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

I’ve known crackheads, potheads, and cokeheads. I’ve never known anyone, ever, to use the phrase “bag of dope”.
Ed Power, Writer of My Cage
May 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

Hey,

Glad no one grumbled over today’s strip. :) I like gleeb’s reply.

I know Spider-Ham is a Marvel comic. I grew up reading it and have referenced it once or twice before.

Bat-Bat is also a shout out to the Ralph Baski Mighty Mouse cartoons of my youth also.

‘My Cage’ may get canceled some day, so I’m throwing as much of my uber-geek, fanboy tendencies in there as I can while I can!!! :)
TheDiva
May 9th, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

Now is perhaps a bad time to tell Dennis that cats also purr when they’re frightened or dying….
Carter
May 9th, 2008 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

Yolanda isn’t being clever -OR- flirty with that “orbicularis oris” nonsense. She’s chastising Jamaal for using language as specific as “kissing.”
commodorejohn
May 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

yesterthread #144 Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator, #153 Tweeks_Coffee – Hmm. I guess I should be surprised, but given the state of not only the Sonic fan-community, but the development team themselves, I’d be kind of surprised if they didn’t know that in the first place. At any rate, I would bet money that this factoid has already made its way into Sonic fanart.

#3 Ed Power – Good gravy, I hope it doesn’t get cancelled!

And wow, I hadn’t even noticed that Dick Tracy went back to the old font. While it’s nice to have it back, as it really matches the visual style of the strip better, I do miss the “amateur scanlation” feel it afforded the strip and the resulting increased hilarity of the dialogue.
Mariko
May 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

Ed, I’m going to do what I can to make sure ‘My Cage’ doesn’t get canceled any time soon. Not that I can do a whole lot. Still. My newspaper is looking for two new comic strips to replace some old ones they got rid of, and the replacement strips have been mostly terrible, so far. I’m going to write to the editor and suggest that they look into ‘My Cage.’ We don’t need more Far Side rip-offs or jokes that would be just as funny (or just as lame) if they were put into one of the other faceless strips. The character-based humor of ‘My Cage’ is something that I think lots of people would enjoy–I know I do.
Little Guy
May 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

3: Ed, mmmmm…. cheese sandwich……

FC: “Bad Robot!” Oops, still have “Lost” on my mind…..

JP: Worst. Catfight. Ever.
Andrea
May 9th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

Also, “how do feel”? Really? Even the copyeditors can’t be bothered to pay attention to Herb and Jamaal.
Dick Tracy Broke into My Oddball Sanctuary
May 9th, 2008 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

What kind of kid is stupid enough to fall without putting his arms out? You know, so he can shatter a wrist or something?
One-eyed Wolfdog
May 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

By my count Alan uses a total of seven exclamation points for six sentences (depending on exactly how you count his fragmented nonsense). That is, if you follow me, more exclamation points than sentences. And that is something that no kind God could smile upon, nor do I.
Dji
May 9th, 2008 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

“You like Apartment 3G? You’re a real bag of dope.” See, the phrase makes sense in context.
JP (not Judge Parker)
May 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

What is going on in the third panel of DT? It looks like Liz is pressing a very small phone with her fingertips, allowing it to magically levitate by her ear.
Luprand
May 9th, 2008 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

#10, DTBiMOS: A child who is apparently flying a centimeter off the ground in some strange imitation of a crane or possibly a flamingo. I mean, Jeffy literally kicks himself in the backside every time he takes a step, from the looks of it; I get the feeling that acting like a normal human is pretty low on his list of priorities.
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

Lordy, the Trib’s lineup just gets better and better: Dick Tracy drops Comic Sans, Gil Thorp’s artwork and plots hobble toward full psychotic break, Annie folds back in on itself, and Brenda Starr fills in the gaps from the Dale Messick years.

King and Universal better watch it!
JP (not Judge Parker)
May 9th, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

Also, it is satisfying to see that Jeffy is too impotent to cry out something more damning than “Bad word!”
Hank
May 9th, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

RE: Dick Tracy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Dick Locher is a sharp political cartoonist, too sharp for the past few months of Dick Tracy to be anything but intentional satire. Instead of snarking, I think he’s owed a bit of applause for slowly turning an outmoded zombie strip from days of prohibition into a wacky comics version of “the Naked Gun” or “Sledge Hammer.”
Corkey
May 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

I feel bad for Dab Stract too. It must be tough when your right arm has a restraining order from the rest of your body.
Grover Cleveland
May 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

As antiquated as Apartment 3-G is, it seems most likely that Alan is an opium fiend. It’s either ether or opium, and only the white lotus requires a pipe.
Grant Gould
May 9th, 2008 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

I am so Bad Word on “Dope”!
Tybalt
May 9th, 2008 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

A3G : You know that Alan is still [poorly used slang term for state of intoxication] on [vague term for drug or cache of drugs] because his own facial expression bears no actual resemblance to the facial expression staring back at him in the mirror.
Pozzo
May 9th, 2008 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

Well, milk has been known to give cats diarrhea, so this seemingly mundane may have diabolical (or at least messy) undertones.
Joey from Nextdoor
May 9th, 2008 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

Man, I long for the days when instead of giving cats bowls of milk, Dennis was putting kerosene on their backsides, tying the tails of two toms together, having Ruff tear apart a litter of kittens, dousing them with gasoline and setting them on fire. . . ahhhhhh the good old menacing days. Today, Dennis is just not tough enough.
Reynard Noir
May 9th, 2008 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

Dennis the Menace is trying to be a lolcat today, isn’t it?

Ur doin it rong.
Mac
May 9th, 2008 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

I don’t know how to break this to you, Alan, but you look the same as you always do. Of course, that’s the same as every other man in this strip but “Jones” and the Professor, but you always look that bad.
lesles
May 9th, 2008 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

DT: “artists have thin skins, don’t they?” yes, and senior policepersons have tiny, tiny fingers. perhaps that’s why they’re psychopathic.

DtM: i wouldn’t be too sure that’s not an act of menace. before we worked out certain of our cats couldn’t deal with it properly, a nice bowl of milk usually produced something pretty menacing in the litterbox.

A3G: ceci n’est pas une brosse à dents

i think alan’s smoking crystalised absinthe.

also, i hope we all remember when you US mob finally get around to the actual election, that josh totally called the outcome with yesterthread’s post “Someone defeats that other guy”. his work over at wonkette has honed his political insight to razor sharp. eat that, professional pundits!
bats :[
May 9th, 2008 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

At least Alan and Whitney have something in common (and no, it isn’t talent):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2478369989/sizes/o/
Sans Sense
May 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

Does Liz have a wee little phone or an enormous cranium?
Full Batch
May 9th, 2008 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

Josh:
Is Baltimore also still a “horse” town vis-a-vis the local (produce? milk? ice?) delivery guys called “Arabers”(check spelling) and their horse-drawn wagons whom I remember from “Homicide: Life on the Street” in the 80s?
Best wishes to CCers.
PeterW
May 9th, 2008 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

The menace is in the milk.

http://www.pets.ca/pettips/tips-45.htm
Nemo
May 9th, 2008 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

Dab Stract’s face is a grotesque mask of scar tissue. And he just killed a man without flinching. Thin-skinned he ain’t.
Mr. O'Malley
May 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

Cats usually like milk, but they can’t digest it, so they can’t get any nutrition from it. (A HREF=”http://www.catsonly.com/articles/22.html”>http://www.catsonly.com/articles/22.html)

Our old cat used to love the leftover milk from cereal (because of the sugar, I guess), and he would yowl until we gave him the bowl. When he was dying, milk was one of the few things he would consume, but we had to keep trying to get him to eat something else, because on an all-milk diet he would starve. He didn’t get digestive problems, but I guess a lot of cats do.
Mr. O'Malley
May 9th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

That’s what I get for not previewing. I could have sworn I closed that tag.

http://www.catsonly.com/articles/22.html
ar_d
May 9th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

Ooh!!! Is today’s FC a caption contest? It should be!
Ross
May 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

I honestly think today’s DtM purloined one of FC’s previous punchlines. It might have been years ago, but I have this vague memory of Dolly or someone uttering the exact same phrase.
junk science
May 9th, 2008 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

I like the calm expression on Jeffy’s face in the top half of the panel. He hasn’t figured out by the middle of his fall that he’s about to hit the ground, or perhaps that it’s going to hurt when he does. No wonder he couldn’t think of a “bad word” in time.
johnbpt
May 9th, 2008 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

“Bag of dope” is common usage in pot smoking circles. Er, so they tell me.
NotAGoatHead
May 9th, 2008 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

#14 Luprand: Well, he did trip over a rock making the momentum of his leg kick him in the ass. Oh, wait. I think that maybe it’s a potato he tripped on. ELLY LOST HER NOSE!
Rian Baso
May 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

Wow, Alan is so high that even his own reflection is staring at him with tight lipped judgment…despite Alan’s clearly slack-jawed reaction at his memory loss.
MightyMaxKing
May 9th, 2008 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

Oh, it’s PCP. Only PCP will provide terrifying hallucinations 12+ hours later (like talking out loud to yourself while looking into a mirror where your scowling lips aren’t moving). This might also explain Lu Ann
Nate
May 9th, 2008 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

What’s especially upsetting here is that Alan’s mouth is open, but in his reflection it’s not. Is it possible that his drug binges have in fact severed his psyche from his body, creating two distinct beings who will argue with each other about the location of their “dope” which they will then smoke from their “pipe?” Or perhaps some kind of “Patty Duke Show” hilarity will ensue. Either way, it promises to be boring.
Sans Sense
May 9th, 2008 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

FC: For a two panel circle there is so much more than initially meets the eye.

Item 1: As we have always suspected Jeffy’s red hair is natural to neither Thel nor Bil.

Item 2: That is no stone left in an otherwise well tended lawn, it is a potato.

Item 3: Most otherwise functioning human beings have an instinct to swing their arms forward to intercede between the ground and their face.

Item 4: Jeffy lies fully splayed in the sign of the cross.

Conclusions: Jeffy is the archetype of the red headed stepchild, illegitmate son of Thel and the neighborhood Irish cop, forced into the role of family clown and martyr by a vengeful sadist of a father. Sadder yet is the fact that Jeffy’s self loathing has led him to chain his livelihood to this perpetual childhood of abuse, humiliation and martyrdom.
Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell
May 9th, 2008 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

DtM: Speaking of drugs, I don’t think those white things laying around the cat’s milk bowl are crayons.

A3G: Last night I came here to ask just what drugs Alan was doing, because the drug terminology is a bit vague, and the site was down! I kept trying and reloading and it wouldn’t come up and I got a super sad face while staring at my toothbrush. What do you think that means?
Colinski
May 9th, 2008 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

Having worked in the substance abuse treatment field, I can tell you definitively that (as unlikely as it may seem to someone who’s pretty culturally aware but not embroiled in a desperate drug addict lifestyle) every drug subculture — crackheads, tweekers, junkies, you name it — call their drug of choice “dope”. At least, this is the case in Southern California. In Apt. 3-G’s circa 1960 New York, it seems even more appropriate.

Generally, when people smoke heroin, it’s not in a pipe, at least not in this country. But I doubt 3-G’s creative team know that any more than you do, Josh, so maybe your hopes will still come to pass.

On a side note, I just looked at Apt. 3-G’s Wikipedia entry. Does anyone else get a big kick out of the first sentence under “Creative Team” when comparing the description of Alex Kotzky’s drawing style to the picture right next to that sentence?
smacky
May 9th, 2008 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

JP: Worst response to make at this moment:

“Don’t you mean ‘avenge,’ you dumbass? When did revenge become a verb??”
commodorejohn
May 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

#35 Ross – Indeed, I remember the same thing. The really frightening thing is that FC actually pulled it off better.

#42 Sans Sense – While your theory is quite insightful and genuinely plausible, I don’t get all the “sads” and “tragicallys” in your post; my thoughts were more along the line of “pleasing” and “hilariously.”
Mibbitmaker
May 9th, 2008 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

DT: Chief Liz actually has a cell phone shaped like an old rotary phone receiver! And… is the real artist with the thin skin… Locher? Sitting sat the drawing board, saying, “Take that, Fruhlinger & friends!” (Hey, Josh, if you’re ever forced to rename this place again, maybe you could call it “Fruhlinger & Friends”)

FC: Jeffy’s actually saying “Margo! Boxcar! Saturn!” … literally.

DtM: Way to make him actually menacing: “…Hey, since his motor’s running, why don’t I put him an a busy street an’ see him GO!…?”

Zits: “Son, I got a new job for you. I want you to fill in that massive space on that road where Aldo Kelrast lost his life, ‘kay?”

Drabble: “Well, to be fair, Dear, I did have to slow down when that blonde-haired boy threw his cat in the traffic.”

Adam (”at” sign) Home: Yeah, paper use there would be such a waste. Too bad humankind haven’t invented something like….. oh, I dunno….. maybe……. RECYCLING???

FOOB: I remember that Ramones song, “I Wanna Be Sung ‘Country Roads’ To By An Orthadontist”. Little Steven just played it last Sunday, I believe…

S-M: At least in the 1st panel, Mrs. Verpoorten is being played by the batty old lady from “Wings”.

FW: …And he instantly sunk into a deep depression, saddened about his lot in life. Hey, that’s the punchline in every FW strip since 1993!
Ron Hogan
May 9th, 2008 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

Let’s look forward to at least a week’s worth of French bedroom farce as LuAnn walks in blissful ingorance around the apartment while Alan scrambles to find the pipe, freezing in awkward positions whenever she turns around to look at him!
Sans Sense
May 9th, 2008 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

#46. commodorejohn -

Isn’t that what “sad” and “tragically” mean?
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2008 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

Jamaal and Yawanna have been living together ever since she incompetently burned down his apartment and they STILL haven’t had sex? What’s the most absurd thing about his situation?
1) they have the hots for each other
2) he’s an ex-NBA player
3) she’s a firefighter
4) his nose looks like a really big penis
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

aggghhh! Not “his situation,” “this situation.” Damn! Josh, any chance you could add an edit feature to this thing?
Nekrotzar
May 9th, 2008 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

See, if you’d read Ray Bradbury’s story Marionettes, Inc. you’d realize that DtM has replaced the living cat with a robotic one programmed to do his every bidding. This is a trial one, of course; Mr. Wilson is next. Mwahahahahaha!

At first I thought that FC was a “spot the differences between the panels” bit. I couldn’t find any.
gleeb
May 9th, 2008 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

3, Ed Power: My remark was just for you, sir.

Josh: Nix on B-more being a heroin town, man! We’re trying to present a shiny new image of Baltimore as a high-murder rate, high-poverty rate, ex-industrial, non-heroin using city!

And yeah, there are still Arabbers. Bit of a sore point: they were keeping their horses in a broken-down firetrap of a stable, but it was condemned.
Garwood B. Jones
May 9th, 2008 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

Hmmm… a clue to Alan’s drug use might come from the fact that his “reflection” in panel one is clearly not a mirror image. It appears to be a doppelganger who is looking disapprovingly at Alan due to his use of outmoded slang. Judging by that, I’d say it’s fairly obvious that Alan is not waking up hungover after a night of drug use, but rather is currently smack dab in the middle of a serious mescaline and ether binge.
Shermy Glamrocker
May 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

I have a “friend” who reckons that, over the years, he and/or she has smoked most smokable drugs out of a pipe, with the exception of heroin and PCP.

This “friend” said that he and/or she does not recall any such drug actually causing memory loss in and of itself.

(Usually it’s the shots of Old Granddad between the hits that causes that).

But since Alan doesn’t attributes the memory loss to alcohol but to the “dope,” my friend has narrowed it down to either PCP or heroin.

And since he/she hasn’t heard of anyone smoking PCP in god knows how many years, all signs point to heroin.

Perhaps someone here has a “friend” with more “horse sense” than my “friend” and can answer the question, does heroin make you forget what you did the night before?
El Santo
May 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

So I take it panel 2 of “Herb & Jamaal” is a knowing wink by the writer at how he always manages to put together the most mangled string of descriptors in every strip, right? Because that’s how I’m reading. I’m also getting the vibe that Yolanda is slowly turning Jamaal into a misogynist.
Bitter Scribe
May 9th, 2008 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

4) his nose looks like a really big penis

His nose? What about his whole head?

As for A3G, that’s the most inept depiction of drug use since a long-ago adventure comic (Steve Roper, I think) depicted a hero being tortured by being forcibly adminstered LSD…with a hypodermic needle.
Mibbitmaker
May 9th, 2008 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

JP: That definately doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense in real life, either.

And whatever happened to that shotgun?? I’m diappointed — I wanted Gun Totin’ Granny, dammit!

MT: Those baby birdies will tranquilize the St. Bernard? I guess it’ll be easy. All they have to do is use their needle-like beaks to inject him.

MC: …..HEY!!!

In Zippy’s Dream: He also forgot to add that part to his memoir about when he had the affair with Senator Edward Brooke.
Adjuster
May 9th, 2008 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

I don’t usually notice the artwork, but today’s RMMRSA was exceptionally bad. In panel 3, Rex’s hair pulls back in horror as it tries to flee his scalp. I bet it’s heard bad news from the nasal hair and knows its only choice is to leave town to avoid ~~trial lawyers~~ deadly MRSA!
Obélix
May 9th, 2008 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

DtM: If only we could get Hank Ketcham’s heirs, assigns, and successors to rename Ruff something like “Hep Cat,” Dennis would have a cat named Dog, and a dog named Cat.
dyslexic dog
May 9th, 2008 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

Josh, your civic awareness and duty to promote all things Baltimore, yeaish and nayish, has apparently taken a deep toll on your grammar, execution, and perhaps your control. With the comments already spun down to #61, the extra “Alan” in paragraph 2, sentence 1 yet glows in its non-sequiturianism.

Was this a fantasized quote from Alan, or was it you, Josh, speaking?
“Wait, is this my pipe? Oh, God, I’m so [APPROPRIATE SLANG TERM] on [DRUG]!”
Poteet
May 9th, 2008 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

# 32 Mr. O’Malley — Thanks for the info! I too have had cats who loved cereal milk. And belatedly, your Molly looks like a real sweetie. I also have a Molly — she’s sixteen and rules the house.
Poteet
May 9th, 2008 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

DtM — As a hopeless sucker for cats, I’m generally a sucker for cat cartoons. And I do think the sleeping Hot Dog looks charming. But I swear I’ve seen that “motor is runnin’” joke at least a dozen times before in other cartoons, and I’m amazed that DtM hasn’t used it already.
Diamond Joe
May 9th, 2008 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

Yesterthread’s snark on today’s comics is here.

y147 Anne:

“I think Momma lifted up her shirt to show Francis her hideous, saggy, old-lady tits, and that’s why he’s reeling. Maybe she even shook ‘em.”

It couldn’t possibly be much more disturbing than Mrs. Tits’ Zits. Uh, I mean…

#17 Hank:

That would be all fine and good if it were funny, rather than irritating, when something happens like Cole Lector stumbling around, mortally wounded, for an entire week.
Poteet
May 9th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

FC — Damn. One of our few opportunities to see Jeffy bleed, but all we see are tears. And yes, what kind of dimwit child keeps his arms behind him as he falls? It’s not like his head isn’t big enough for a brain.
Citizen Snips
May 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

Hey, Dennis clearly has a couple of joints just laying around there. I guess he’s gonna get baked and chill with his cat. That’s….not menacing, but I guess it isn’t very productive either.
LTBF
May 9th, 2008 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

47-John Patterson is not an orthodontist. My own father was one and please do not connect my father and myself in any way to the Patterfoob clan.

The father in Zits, however, is an orthodontist.
gnome de blog
May 9th, 2008 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

It’s worse than Dt(non)M out Jeffying Jeffy. He’s become Dolly.

He’s gonna grow up and marry that stupid kid in Rose is Rose.
Donald The Anarchist
May 9th, 2008 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

FC I wonder what it would take to get him to say, “REALLY Bad Word!” Presumably walking in on Thel and the mailman would do it…

A3G Continuing the speculations of previous posters, enough heroin might make you black out, but you probably won’t be doing anything worth remembering. Of course, that doesn’t preclude things being DONE to you. I think he’s just unwilling to admit he spent the entire evening doing nothing but staring at a wall. “Uh-oh, what did I do last night? Can’t remember! I musta been CRAZZZY stoned!!”
H&J “Hey, Yolanda, have you heard about that activity people of the opposite sex engage in that can’t be graphically displayed on network television or in newspaper comic strips?” “You mean F*%$king?” “Well, I was hoping we could do it off-panel but now I just feel so…DIRTY…”
Gal Friday
May 9th, 2008 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

A3G: Geez, Alan–you’ve known Lu Ann how long and you really think she’s going to notice anything at all?!
Gal Friday
May 9th, 2008 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

(DT)GT: that last panel is the most painful art I’ve ever seen! Bring on Dab Stract!
electro
May 9th, 2008 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

H&J: It’s funny because in panel four, Yolanda has closed her eyes and is totally ready to anatomically justapose … blah blah blah, while Jamaal was really asking about whether he should try kissing Herb.
Huntch
May 9th, 2008 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

Last week Marmaduke got his owner “lost” in the woods; this week he has her bent over in his house – what in the world is going on here?
Josh
May 9th, 2008 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

#61 DD — Fixed!

Josh
commodorejohn
May 9th, 2008 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

I was just reading through the Curmudgeon archives, and I saw this, and I thought this bore mentioning.
Jim Dandy
May 9th, 2008 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

Poor Jamaal. Trying so hard to come out and tell the truth about what he and Herb get up to after hours.
Harold
May 9th, 2008 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

“…an’ so Hot Dog’s motor doesn’t overheat, I filled his bowl with sweet, sweet antifreeze.”

Wait. Dick Tracy had the Governor arrested on the basis of spectral evidence, and Dab Stract kills a man in front of a bunch of witnesses, admits to it, and walks away?
Diamond Joe
May 9th, 2008 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

#69 Donald the Anarchist:

“You mean F*%$king?”

Flashing?
Frisking?
Flunking?
doug rogers
May 9th, 2008 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

If Alan is brushing his teeth, it’s not crack.
Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
May 9th, 2008 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

#24, Reynard Noir: You are doing it right! LOL.

#35, Ross: Here is a FC very similar to today’s DtM.
Invisible Me
May 9th, 2008 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

GF: Conley name-checked Roger Aldag.

YES!!!
Mollie
May 9th, 2008 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

I like the way Alan is emphasizing the word “them” in that last panel. He has to find what? “THEM!” Figure out what drug causes the user to emphasize the wrong words in his sentences and you’ll have your answer.
Pepperoni Détournées (formerly Herro!)
May 9th, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

Not dope, coke. Alan’s a cokehead. Look at that bathroom. Have you ever seen a pothead that neat? A coke binge, however, would give you enough energy to scrub all the mildew out of your tiny New York apartment. That bathroom is literally sparkling.
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2008 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

DtM – Dennis is happy, Hog Dog is happy, there are white spots on the rug — uh, just what kind of “kitty bath” did that cat give him?
commodorejohn
May 9th, 2008 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

#80 Dean Booth – That’s similar, but there’s an older Family Circus (pre-Internet print comic providers, I think) that has DTM’s caption almost word-for-word.
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2008 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

A3G – “Wow, I look bad. I must’ve spent all night blowdrying my hair. Guess that explains the disco look of the 80s.”
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
May 9th, 2008 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

#50, #57: Jamaal is a penis attached to a penis presenting yet another penis. With Jamaal, what you see is what you get.
Calvin
May 9th, 2008 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

The X-Files rules. Herb and Jamaal drools. Please do not ever compare the two like that again.

On another note, the second X-Files movie is coming out this summer! Woot!
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

I call bullshit on today’s Slylock Fox with the mommy bunny. Not even a rabbit would stick his dick in that.
Gallows
May 9th, 2008 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

I always enjoy watching Jeffy get injured. I feel like I’m watching someone work out all of their self-loathing in a safe medium.

I’m going to be really confused if Alan’s smoking something other than crack. Is anything else called “rock?”
Mad Dog Rackham
May 9th, 2008 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

#69 Donald the Anarchist said: FC I wonder what it would take to get him to say, “REALLY Bad Word!” Presumably walking in on Thel and the mailman would do it…

Or tripping over Hillary Clinton.
bats :[
May 9th, 2008 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

And where has Mary Worth been while Ron and Richard are making nice to one another so that their mother can die in peace? Even she needs to recharge her batteries once in a while:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2479647858/sizes/o/
MonkeyHawk
May 9th, 2008 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” — Yogi Berra

I don’t have enough hours in the day anymore to read all the comments of the College of Curmudgeons. You’re too addictive. If I start to read some of your comments I’m here for hours.

So I’ve mostly kept track of the Pope’s epistles.

Just wanted to remind everyone that Josh writes “Cartoon Violence” over at Wonkette.com And he is, as Popes tend to be, infallible.
Poteet
May 9th, 2008 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

# 92 — Bats, you mad genius, I bow again!
Lou Shumaker
May 9th, 2008 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

Great job, Bats!
Carly
May 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

I too like Alan’s expression in the second panel. He appears to be blaming his toothbrush for all that’s wrong in the world, including the loss of his [drug], the aftereffects of said drug, global warming, and the theft of Mark Trail’s dog.

For some reason I thought Jamaal was married. Shows how often I read that strip.
Arcenciel
May 9th, 2008 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

You know, I’m realizing I’m not suited for the curmudgeonly order. I read only a few newspaper strips and I don’t think this padawan can go to the dark side enough to contribute in any meaningful way here.

On another note, I have forwarded the echidna information to what is (hopefully) a highly interested party-the artist of Penny Arcade. I’m *praying* they make a strip out of it.

Take that, CoffeeSquawk contributors!
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 9th, 2008 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

“The Mulder and Scully of mediocre strips no one reads”? Classic.

And 96 carly,
Herb is the one that’s married. His marriage is about as interesting as you think.
Andrew Cunningham
May 9th, 2008 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

I don’t know how Dennis killing the family cat and replacing it with a motorized animatronic can be construed as anything but menacing. Attempting to feed the robot cat milk it cannot drink and creating a mess as it forlornly splashes it around is merely an afterthought.
Bobdog, Jungle Patrol - SVU (not an Elephant)
May 10th, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

The reason this edition of Dennis the Menace is menacing is this:

Dennis’ observation is that you can tell the cat is happy when it is purring (i.e. its motor is running), however the cat is not purring — thus the cat is not happy. The reason the cat is not happy is because the cat is dead — being dead makes cats unhappy. The reason the cat is dead is because Dennis poisoned it. He is at this point checking the cat’s vital signs to confirm that cat is deceased (he is confirming the motor is not running).

Also, you may be tempted to believe the cat’s name is Hot Dog — this is not the case. This is merely Dennis indicating what he plans to do with the cat’s remains once he has finished confirming it is dead — he will turn it into hot dogs, which he will later serve to his neighbor Mister Wilson.
Hawkeye
May 10th, 2008 at 12:20 am [Reply]

Maybe Jeffy could avoid those rocks if he wasn’t trying to figure skate in the back yard.
PeaceLily
May 10th, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

FC: Shouldn’t the second panel read “Bad turd” instead of “Bad word?” Because I’m pretty sure that’s what he has stumbled upon.
Pepperoni Détournées (formerly Herro!)
May 10th, 2008 at 12:34 am [Reply]

MW, Saturday: Why does Guy In Red have two mouths?
bats :[
May 10th, 2008 at 1:02 am [Reply]

Saturday musings:

JP: I’d like to think that Steve’s mom still had her trusty shotgun and was going to plug Terrorista Tess, but I don’t think that’s the case. Barring that, I’d really like to see Gloria save the day.
Is notifying the police and fire departments supposed to lure even more potential victims to the house? If that’s what she wants, all three of her captives ought to tell her to forget it, and the only thing for her in heaven is George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison (and 69 other Virginians, waiting their turns to whup her).

MW: the love-fest is getting just a tad saccharine. And the boys continue to slouch toward decrepitude even faster than their mother…

RMMD: oh, boy…LUNCH! More pie, please!
Of course, everyone deserves a nosh:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2479953690/sizes/o/

FOOB: close the door quietly, John. Go back to the car. Get in. Drive. Drive like hell…
Ridureyu
May 10th, 2008 at 1:27 am [Reply]

You know, I like to think that Jeffy was not literally shouting “Bad Word,” but instead unleashing a veritable onslaught of profanity and obscenity so terrible that it would make the creators of South Park. We all know he has it in him.

Oh, and, um… apparently it’s bad to kiss. So say Herb and Jamaal. I’m going to have a really boring wedding.
lostsynapse
May 10th, 2008 at 1:56 am [Reply]

B.C. Huh, I knew that the wealthier Evangelical ministers liked to drag race but I thought it was a semi-secret like their mansions with gold-plated fixtures. Well, dig deep brothers, the Lord is going to work some miracles tonight.
Mr. O'Malley
May 10th, 2008 at 2:09 am [Reply]

BC: There was an attempt at subtle humor here with the “Victor/Victoria” reference, but I’m not sure it really worked that well.
Diamond Joe
May 10th, 2008 at 2:10 am [Reply]

9CL: I can’t remember which iteration of Star Trek it was, but on one, the set designers labeled a bit of conduit “GNDN”… for “Goes Nowhere, Does Nothing.” This week’s trips are a GNDN. You could tape them end-to-end, connect today’s with Monday’s, and have a closed loop of a story.

Blondie: Considering the Eternal Present of comics, how early could 2008’s Dagwood possibly have been born, 1963?

Cathy: If Cathy Guisewite weren’t so enamored of these weird borders, maybe she could draw the characters at a macroscopic scale. I mean, how much of panel 2 do the figures of Cathy and her mother fill, an eighth?

Curtis: I have to say, I really like Mr. Snackers and his “Kid-’n'-Play”-era hairdo.

DT: Oh, SWAT man, how I wish that were true. Also, it’s almost certainly an inking accident, but I enjoy how it appears that Liz is so incapable that Dick has to hold the cell phone to her ear.

Drabble: Now this GPS gag is amusing. Nicely timed, and I like the sudden turn into absurdity.

FT: Maybe when all the analog channels turn to static? Mind you, I’m just guessing.

FW: So… this week’s Funky Winkerbean plot: “Harry Dinkle (*snort!*) stops by, has a nice chat.” Wow, my pulse is still racing! That this is nonetheless infinitely preferable to last week (”Funky is a smug asshole”), the week before (”Funky is a disinterested yet hostile parent”), or the week before that (”Funky’s son is a smug asshole”) is really, really sad.

GF: Did I mention British people talk funny?

GT: Thorp goes for thematically-reinforcing cultural reference (see, because the Vargas family may lose their paradise). Too bad that panel really doesn’t otherwise serve any function whatsoever.

HotC: Honestly, just how much swag did the Jonas Brothers’ PR people give Tatulli? This is becoming the Bataan friggin’ Death March of plotlines.

H&J: Could this conversation happen anywhere, anytime, ever? “No, I won’t say I love you, because that would expose vulnerability.” Seems like actually saying that would give you the worst of all possible worlds– you tacitly admit you do, but piss her off.

Lockhorns: Why is Leroy calling himself “Mr. Right” to another man?

Luann: And the homoerotic meter pegs into the red! (Uh, as it were.)

MT: I realized how ubiquitous the slang term has become when it took me a moment to realize that when he mentioned “returning this puppy,” he was literally talking about an immature dog.

Monty: So if that’s true, where’s alternate-Monty right now? The one who the young Monty, whose comic book our Monty took, grows up to be? Presumably, he didn’t feel the need to go traveling in time to make his life better, so he should still be here. By the way, Star Trek: Voyager writers cared so little about working out time paradoxes that they actually had one of our heroes say, “This is time travel. It doesn’t have to make sense.”

Phantom: The Ghost-Who-Needlessly-Blows-His-Cover!

RM: Whoops, back in the red!

S-M: It’s the Amazing… some guy. Peter Parker, meanwhile, is at home in his pajamas, watching One Life to Live, eating saltines, and drinking 7-Up through a bendy straw.

Also amused me: PBS
Poteet
May 10th, 2008 at 2:21 am [Reply]

RMMD — So Rex is gonna “poke around” that “junior high.” Good luck, boys!

MT — One of the most annoying problems faced by your average kidnapper is how to collect the loot while maintaining several degrees of separation from the lootees. This is because your average kidnapper fears being caught. But the MT petnappers are blissfully unconcerned, not only because they are dimwits, but because they know every other human who ever appears in the strip is also a dimwit. In LoFo, EVERYONE sends money to Nigeria.
True Fable
May 10th, 2008 at 2:30 am [Reply]

I’m tired. Too much doing, too little Truman to go around.

Let’s snark anyway, what the hell.

C’haft I’m looking forward to Granny giving C’haft the business.
DtM Weiners on parade.
(WT)DT I sincerely hope the new recruit wasn’t be a paraplegic Navy Seal JAG Ivy league lawyer with vengeful people on his tail. Because that sort of combination just doesn’t come up twice in the comics. Does it?
FC And a raincoat too, Dad. He still pees.
FBoFW Mr. Squeaky Clean, Holier-Than-Though Joe Canadian, says DAMN?!?! Heh. Well, he IS married to Elly, so cursing’s probably a way of life for the old boy.
HotC I’m off this strip until he dumps the boring Jonas Brothers Concert plot. Geez, lookie the beez.
Scenes from Suburban Hell Lois has been hanging around A3G’s Alan too much lately. She’s stoned out of her mind.
JP Meh. YOU call ‘em.
Luann Aww. Knute comes out at last.
MT A few days from now you’ll be on the road with a bundle of money and a DEAD PUPPY.
Marvin Okay, “Ask Marvin” is just as stupid as “Belly Laffs”. Stop.
MW Did…did Mary just meddle them into a truce? “Oh, I was wrong!” “No, I was wrong!” “Everything will be peachy keen now!” “Yes, all the years of hostility have somehow magically faded away!” “I’m going to stop seeing my analyst!” “I’m going to retract the hit I took out on you!”
Phantom If anyone really cared to find out who he is, all they’d have to do is find out who the woman by his side is. If anyone really cared, that is.
RMDS Doctor Sweetie, the boy got nervous that YOU mentioned Hamilton Junior High, not anything to do with MRSA.
RiR I thought today was about a dung beetle letting a chunk of poo get away from him for a bit.
SFx …and don’t hog the bathtub, in case THAT was what you had in mind for down there.
Mr. O'Malley
May 10th, 2008 at 3:12 am [Reply]

I just noticed… there’s a beautiful quarter moon in the sky, right above the top of my monitor. Ah, nature…

Monty: Diamond Joe, “This is Monty. It doesn’t have to make sense.”

Because a duplicate Monty living with his Republican wife would have a duplicate Moondog living in his poolhouse with a 13-inch B&W TV.

Mozart in Mirrorshades, here we come!

Darn. Now the moon has moved down behind my neighbor’s tree.

FST: No, no, you’re confused. The horizone is moving up!
Doug Puthoff
May 10th, 2008 at 5:06 am [Reply]

5-9

FC (altermate caption):Why can’t they let me cuss like BD in Doonebury? Or at least with those symbols like Sgt. Snorkel in Beetle Bailey.
Sarah
May 10th, 2008 at 5:50 am [Reply]

A3G: Alan is lame. And annoying. LuAnn is dumb.
DtM: I thought the dog’s name was Hot Dog? No, that’s Jughead’s dog. Okay. What’s Dennis’ dog’s name? A kitty named Hot Dog?
LuAnn: There’s been no mercy for LuAnn, this week.
Sarah
May 10th, 2008 at 5:52 am [Reply]

Oh, yeah:
FOOB: Is “damn” a common word in the dailies? Is that something that newspapers would print, or did they print something else in lieu of it?
AMSTERDANG
May 10th, 2008 at 7:03 am [Reply]

GT: As an immigration lawyer, I appreciate the shout-out in today’s strip. But I must say that in a removal proceeding before an immigration judge, the “american dream” defense is right up there with “we’re like a TV family.” My advice to Elmer: start brushing up on your Spanish, amigo.
gleeb
May 10th, 2008 at 7:07 am [Reply]

A3G: Not distracted, Lu Ann. He’s got the fear.

Luann: Ah, these two are a foil to the Brad/TJ love-that-dare-not-speak-its-name-on-the-comics-page.

Phantom: The old Texan auctioneer now knows the Phantom’s secret. Well, I suppose he’s had a good, full life up to now.

Rex: June remains hopeful, but I doubt Rex is going to be up for any poking.

Rubes: What is it? A pigeon? This comic is usually hit-or-miss (OK, mostly miss), but I usually can get what the gag was supposed to be.

Bonnie and Boo Boo: Poor Eugene the Jeep. He used to be huge; now all he gets are non-speaking walk-on roles.

Spidey: Protecting both dowager and debutante, it’s Reggie Ten Broek, Hero of the Social Register!
Baka Gaijin
May 10th, 2008 at 8:06 am [Reply]

#89 cheech wizard: Get your parade candy ready because you’re headlining the COTW float next week!
LTBF
May 10th, 2008 at 8:58 am [Reply]

Wizard of Id-The Golden gloves are an amateur boxing competition. The baseball awards are called “Gold Glove”.
Poewar
May 10th, 2008 at 9:15 am [Reply]

You think Dennis isn’t a Menace? Clearly he’s gotten a hold of Alan’s Bag O’ Dope and fed it to Hot Dog. Now he’s calmly watching as Hot Dog, having thrown up all over the carpet, lapses into unconsciousness, perhaps never to return.
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 10th, 2008 at 9:33 am [Reply]

Cathy: “How can you possibly look at yourself ~~in the mirror~~ and not see ~~that you have no nose~~ how special you are?!!”

(WT)DT: Yeah, Mr. SWAT Guy, why don’t you go take a break? You deserve it after all your hard work today, standing around outside yammering about how you can’t get in while a deformed hunchback strolls in the servant’s entrance. You must be exhausted. If we need you, we’ll call your Barbie Chat Diva cell phone.

Garfield: Garfield has a message for Alan of A3G.

Marvin: So, who in this strip hasn’t had a typing-supposedly-witty-tripe-on-the-computer running gag? Even the dog has done it. When do we get to see the Token Asian Kid answer questions about sushi and Pokemon?
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 10th, 2008 at 9:35 am [Reply]

Hm. For some reason, the site didn’t like half of my post. So here’s the other half.

Phantom: Ghost-Who-Enjoys-Cosplay doesn’t have to worry about blowing his cover; nobody in America gives a damn who he is, even after that awful Billy Zane movie. What he needs to worry about is how he’s going to get a 1930s-vintage prop plane across the Atlantic on one tank of gas.

Pluggers: Plugger BDSM play.

Popeye: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios!

RMMRSA: I think that boy has been doing some clandestine “poking” around Hamilton High himself. If only he had an understanding “Big” like Rex.

RiR: Reedin Mimi stripz kanbee infewreeaten!

SF: Don’t look over your shoulder, Ted, but you’re being stalked by one of the Sea Hag’s vultures.

S-M: In panel 3, it looks like the Vulture has had his genitals removed to make himself more aerodynamic. Or maybe to make himself less attractive to his cellmates, who knows. Either way, you can’t be much of a man if you let yourself get taken down by a butler.
TheDiva
May 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am [Reply]

Curtis: No, that’s what blind stupidity does to a person.

HotC: So Heart won a creative writing contest with a lame “Cinderella” knock-off featuring herself in the Mary-Sue role? I think the talking pigeon was more believable.
Tracer Bullet
May 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am [Reply]

FW: That was a completely dull and pointless week, but since nobody contracted ebola, fell down a mineshaft or got gang-raped by cannibal pirates, I guess we can call this a win for the home team.

JP: Hey, Gloria, why don’t you just walk the hell out? If the Crazy Terrorist Lady is serious about killing a bunch of people, she won’t detonate the bomb and if she does, I’m sure Steve will take brunt of the blast. What’s he going to do? Dive out of the way?

Or, you could call the police and tell them to send the SWAT team to shoot this stupid woman who obviously doesn’t understand how one is supposed to use hostages. It doesn’t work if your human shields are across the room, lady.

Pluggers abuse their children.

SM: Is there any way the Vulture could hire Harvey Birdman to represent him at trial? ‘Cause that would be sweet.

Incidently, why is the Vulture green? Real vultures are mostly black. Shouldn’t he be the Seahawk or the Cormorant? I bet a name like “The Peacock” would strike fear into the populace. In fact, I’m sure of it.
bats :[
May 10th, 2008 at 10:11 am [Reply]

108. Diamond Joe, re MT: you mean something like “Sorry, ma’am, but you seem to have left your implant back at the table. Here is it, safe and sound.”?

And re, The Phantom: yes, what was the point of that? I guess if you pay that much for a plane, it guarantees a certain amount of anonymity, even if you went and changed behind a clump of bushes. While everyone else thought you were just taking a quick wiz…

97. Arcenciel: take heart! I think a number of commenters are comics and entertainers deep down inside, and letting the snark fly (and having it read) is an ego-boost for them — it is for me. Don’t think you have to say something witty or pithy, just enjoy the ride! Knowing you’re out there reading my comments makes me happy

123. Tracer Bullet, re S-M: I’m leaning toward “Budgerigar.” He can have a dame waiting for him, a moll who dressed in blue and is known as Budgie.
Pretty bird! Pretty bird!
LTBF
May 10th, 2008 at 10:18 am [Reply]

Where does the Phantom get his money? Is he robbing the jungle people blind and lives an opulant lifestyle as they live in the Stone Age?
Calico
May 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am [Reply]

I think when Alan is referring to “Bag of Dope”, he’s actually talking about Luann.

FOOB – Wow, Mikey might get a beatdown yet.
Calico
May 10th, 2008 at 10:22 am [Reply]

JP – “Call the Fire Department, the Police, the Local News channel, the newspaper, the Mayor, and Dr. Phil.”
cheech wizard
May 10th, 2008 at 10:45 am [Reply]

117/ Baka Gaijin – ah, if only that were true – but thanks.

On to Saturday’s strips:

HOTC – Heart learns a valuable lesson about kissing ass.

GT – ???? Turns out Elmer’s dad isn’t a respectable businessman, he’s in cahoots with the mob! That’s Paulie Walnuts he’s making a deal with right there!

Scenes from Suburban Hell – Looks like Lois has been hitting on Alan’s crack pipe. She’s not only cranked to the gills, she sold all their furniture to buy more dope!

MT – Now the puppy’s not eating either? These two are just peas in a pod. Maybe someday, when they’re all growed up, they can share a room at the state hospital. Although by that time the dog will be dead.

FC – Forget the cap. What Daddy really needs is a raincoat.
cheech wizard
May 10th, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

123/ Tracer Bullet: I thought “Plugger child abuse” was a more appropriate caption too – or is that a bear? I never can tell.

Believe it or not, there actually was a brief period back in the 80s when some moms were actually using child leashes to restrain their toddlers, at least until they noticed the horrified looks on everyone they encountered. You young’uns out there probably don’t remember this, Unless you were one of the poor little shits on the end of the line, in which case you probably rehash it with your shrink pretty regularly.
John C Fremont
May 10th, 2008 at 11:01 am [Reply]

Foob – John comes home just as his family is watching that Tom Bosley animated series. Must be out on DVD or something.

MT – Oops, wrong word balloon in the last panel. What Mrs. Villain is really saying is, “And then Liz tore off Cole Lector’s mask like this!”

MW – “Okay, but I forgive you more!”
“No, I forgive you even more! I forgive you this much!”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!”
“Why I oughta…”

JP – Samira’s put on a few pounds since yesterday, but her nails still look great!

GT – In an unexpected comics crossover, Elmer’s dad gives personal instruction to Judge Parker.

Fifield. Did the narration box stutter?
Calico
May 10th, 2008 at 11:11 am [Reply]

#129 – I was in my twenties in the 80’s, and I do remember seeing kid harnesses. As I recall my reaction was a strange brew of shock and amusement.
Actually, I still often feel this way when I read FOOB and FC.
commodorejohn
May 10th, 2008 at 11:33 am [Reply]

A3G – And by “bag of dope” Alan apparently means “small plastic camel figurine,” as near as I can tell.

AS – OH MY GOD ANOTHER NAKED FAR SIDE RIPOFF WHY DOES THE SYNDICATE THINK THIS IS FUNNY

A.D. – That sound you hear is Johnny Hart spinning in his grave.

Baldo – Ignoring the fact that this whole running gag basically amounts to watching two people you were having a conversation with suddenly spend fifteen minutes giggling over an in-joke you’re not in on, the teacher there should cut him some slack. I used to chew my cheek; what’s so improbable about him doing it?

BB – No he didn’t.

Crankshaft – Okay, if we get to watch this woman and Crankshaft warring, I’d almost forgive Batiuk for the utter loathsomeness of his whole “comic” enterprise. Almost.

DT – There’s a lot to love about today’s Dick Tracy, (for instance, Dick’s crossbow shoulder-angel, undoubtedly imploring him to shoot only the guilty, while the crossbow shoulder-devil just right of the panel border tries to egg him into an all-out killing spree,) but for my money the best part is panel three. If we see the line “we’re winding up, Tracy” repeated in four or five consecutive strips, it will be the most perfectly quintessential summary of Dick Tracy there ever was.

FC – I’m not sure what that means, but it sure sounds dirty.

FOOB – Dude. Get back in the car and drive the other way.

Garfield – Okay, so it’s not quite what the author of xkcd was hoping for, but today’s Garfield honestly threw me for a loop. It derives nothing from the standard Paws, Inc. formula, and even Jon and Odie are as confused as we are. What does it mean? We may never know.

GT – I didn’t even know kids these days are studying Milton. *cue Digory-style mutterings*

H&L – “Let’s paint all the walls, floors, and ceilings pure white and install minimalist ladder-stairways! It’ll be just like when we were in the mothership!”

Luann – Knute: the male counterpart to Bernice?

MT – Shirley Not-the-duck tweaking Steven Seagal’s cheek is the very weirdest thing I’ve seen all week.

Preteena – Actually, from everything I’m told, they’re not. But suit yourself.

RMMD – Huh huh…he said “poke around.”

SM – Random Partygoer #7: a better superhero than Spider-Man.

Edison Lee – Edison is a vile little bastard.

Zits – Holy cow! Decided to give Greg Evans a run for his money, eh, Scott and Borgman?
Saluki
May 10th, 2008 at 11:35 am [Reply]

Has anyone noticed this week’s Clear Blue Water?
Harold
May 10th, 2008 at 11:50 am [Reply]

#129 cheech wizerd /#131 Calico: Chid safety harnesses are still in use. I just saw one a few weeks ago where the harness was shaped like a monkey on the childs back, hugging him with arms and legs wrapped around the child’s torso, and the leash shaped like the monkey’s tail. I think they’re a pretty good idea.
True Fable
May 10th, 2008 at 11:50 am [Reply]

#129 Cheech wizard – I once saw a child who was so fed up with her harness, she laid down on the sidewalk and refused to go any further. She was like a little 30-or 40-pound meat anchor. The mother started to drag her, but the sidewalk would have let big scrapes and scars and she would have REALLY gotten the dagger stares from passersby. It was the battle of wills until someone finally said “Holy shit, sister, just buy a whistle like anyone else.”

The leash was left behind after that. I would rather have a live child under control than a dead one under a bus, but I can’t say I can blame a child for resenting the method.
Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
May 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am [Reply]

…and the winner for best innuendo in a single panel is Tina’s Groove: “Is there a way we can put your mouth on vibrate?”

[I'm having trouble posting -- sorry if this shows up more than once.]
Sarah
May 10th, 2008 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

I just went through the last couple weeks of CBW – cool! I started reading it right when the characters’ appearances changed and I didn’t get that first strip. Today’s strip was priceless.

Does anyone understand Ballard Street??? Are we supposed to? It makes my brain hurt.
Jana C.H.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

Mudge Meeting in Seattle!
Java Bean Coffee House
5819 24th Ave NW
May 17, 2008, 2:30 pm

Mollificent and I have been working out details for a meeting of Seattle-area Mudges, and have decided to go for the most important day of the month: Syttende Mai! That’s Saturday, May 17, Norwegian Constitution Day in Ballard.

Location: the Java Bean Coffee House, at the corner of NW 59th Street and 24th Avenue NW. I’ll stake out a place on the curb; we can watch the parade for a while, and when we get tired of that we can retire to the coffee house or to my condo a block away, if no one minds the mess. (Sweetener: I still have my Marvel Comics collection from my youth, and a still-growing collection of books of various comics.)

Java Bean Home Page: http://www.javabeancoffee.com/homepage.html

Syttende Mai: http://www.syttendemaiseattle.com/parade.shtml

I’ll be there wearing a navy blue hat with a large red silk rose. See you there, ya sure!

Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Stan Boreson: Who left the halibut on the poop deck?
yellojkt
May 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

Yolanda: We could be friends with benefits.

Jamal: Cool! What sort of benefits? Free checking? Gym membership? Dental insurance?

Yolanda: I give up. Go back to Herb.
Harold
May 10th, 2008 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

Taking a stand, trying to make this world a better place:

A letter to the editor on a very important topic

For months I have kept my silence and tried to give this issue a fair hearing. But the time for patience is over.

“The Family Tree”, one of the latest additions to the Citzens’ Voice comics pages, is just not funny.

The characters are pompous, smug, obnoxious, hypocritical, and occasionally vile and offensive. And badly-drawn, too.

I’m an avid fan of the funny pages, and I know how precious this space is. Please consider replacing “The Family Tree” with a better and funnier comic strip – for example, “My Cage”, “Baldo”, “La Cucaracha”, “Heart of the City”, “Mutts”, “Sherman’s Lagoon”, or “Slylock Fox”.

Thank you!
True Fable
May 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

# 137 Sarah – The only thing I really understand about Ballard Street is that it is fucking awful on a daily basis.
Canuckguy
May 10th, 2008 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

Oh, God, I’m so [APPROPRIATE SLANG TERM] on [DRUG]!”

This is probably how they get high in the world of Herb & Jamaal.

And you can *bet* they’re high as a kite there all the time.
MrP
May 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

Dammit! By putting Dennis in contrast to Family Circus, you actually made Family Circus funny. I actually guffawed as I read the “Bad word!” caption. I guffawed, dammit!

I’ll never forgive you for this.
Vakar
May 10th, 2008 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

129: I know a family that uses a harness. They didn’t like the idea at all, but their two-year old had a habit of running off… in parking lots. A lot of factors to consider, including dignity, but safety ends up playing the trump card.

For me, I carry my little one when we’re in a situation where he CAN NOT run away (street, fire escape, opium den) but that’s failrly easy when you have just one child.
Little Guy
May 10th, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

104, JP: I was thinking along the same lines, with United 93 in mind. Hello? Crazy Terrorist woman is gonna kill you, Steve, and Grandma already. Let’s keep it at that without inviting the world for a Die-In. Heck, pretend you’re Mark Trail and she’s got the beard of Rip Van Winkle post-sleep, and beat her down with her C4 packages.
bats :[
May 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

135. True Fable: I thought I’d be the only one to advocate child harnesses. Considering how many kids I’ve seen loose in parking lots (and I drive a small car, so the distance from ground to hood is short), I just shudder whenever I see this. And it isn’t good manners to shout out the window, “Hold onto your damn kid’s hand! You evidently know how to make ‘em, but you shouldn’t be breeding in the first place!”
Yeah, I get parking lot rage.
And I don’t have kids.
Sam L.
May 10th, 2008 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

147th!
Weaselboy
May 10th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

Where the hell is Mary? It’s as if she’s outsourced her meddling to India.
cheech wizard
May 10th, 2008 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

I guess my thinking is, if your kid tends to run off, then you need to hold his or her damn hand, esp. in dangerous situations like parking lots or when approaching streets. It’s also how you train a child not to run off – if junior doesn’t want to be nailed to mommy or daddy’s side all the time, then stay close by.

The problem I have with harnesses, aside from treating your child like a dog, is that they’re typically used as a substitute for supervision in situations where there is little physical danger – such as in shopping malls. Yeah, kids wander off and get temporarily lost from time to time, but as long as you’re not in the middle of a custody battle, you’re going to find them in 10 minutes. Harnesses are just another example of overprotective parenting.
cheech wizard
May 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

A3G – This storyline would be a lot more interesting if LuAnn was the one with the drug problem, as the world’s only crack whore who doesn’t know where babies come from.
One-eyed Wolfdog
May 10th, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

You are not enough… others must pay! Pick up the phone… …and prank-call Domino’s! Mu-ah…. ah-ha! Do… it! Before we run out… of ellipses!
Harold
May 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

Request for Dean Booth’s brilliance!

Alan doesn’t look too bad in the mirror in A3G aside from the fact that his reflection doesn’t match his face. So what other faces could he be seeing in the mirror that might prompt this reaction?

- Keith Richards
- Van Gogh’s “Skeleton With Burning Cigarette”
- Margo
- Mary Worth (And from the distorted version of the “Bloody Mary/Candyman” game iI learned in my youth, you do not want to see Mary Worth in your bathroom mirror!)
- Any of the badly-drawn chacters from Marmaduke
- the mother of the Patterfoobs
- Jeffy

Any others?
Buck Ripsnort
May 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

The hip, happenin’ comics of TODAY (Saturday)

A3G:Alan is so Slang Term on Drug that he momentarily thinks Luann is his pipe! Hilarity ensues when he tries to stick her in his face and light her ass!

Mutts: An impotence joke? *fwip!*

My Cage: I can’t help but think this would be funnier as a blog joke, simply because I’ve seen some blogs just like that.
Angry Beaver
May 10th, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

A3G: This is what Terry Prachett would say about the exclmation points “All those exclamation marks? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head!”

Course that would explain AG3 in itself.
Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed
May 10th, 2008 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

#127 Calico:

JP – “Call the Fire Department, the Police, the Local News channel, the newspaper, the Mayor, and Dr. Phil.”

Especially Dr. Phil. When life gives you lemons encased in explosives, make lemonade.

#97 Arcenciel: As David Letterman has been known to say, “It’s an exhibition, not a competition.” Snark when the spirit moves thee. Or in the immortal words of ~~Milton,~~ Skullturf Q. Beavispants, “They also serve who only snark a bit.”
Braniff
May 10th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

FC–Jeffy probably uttered a profane word, but it was removed by the King Features Syndicate; after all, this is the FAMILY Circus. Had this been a cartoon aimed a more sophisticated audience and a profane word had to be removed, Jeffy would probably have had said a profane word, with that word balloon replaced by a big black “CENSORED”!!!

As for the stumbling on the rock, could it be that Jeffy has attention deficit disorder. Perhaps he needs some Ritalin.
mollificent
May 10th, 2008 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

Jana – Wheee! I’ll be there. I shouldn’t be too hard to miss, being 4′9″ and all. Short, freckles, brownish/reddish hair. High squeaky voice. Possibly babbling about harps nonstop. On second thought, are you sure this is such a good idea? ;)

154 Angry Beaver: Yesss!!! Long live his Pterryness! Although, that joke may become cruelly ironic in time *sniffle*. Life is not freaking fair, that’s all I have to say about that.

P.S. 97 Arcenciel: I, too, have insecurities about the quality of my snark. But no one’s ever told me, “Get the hell out of here, you’re not funny,” so I figure I’ll hang around and make a nuisance of myself until they do. Hell, maybe one day I’ll even ride the float! ;)
mollificent
May 10th, 2008 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

P.S. 155 Spotted Horse: Don’t you think Ann Coulter would add a certain je ne sais quoi to the occasion as well? ;)
Poteet
May 10th, 2008 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

# 135 Sir Fable MTK — While I think they should be used only judiciously, I cannot be entirely against child harnesses because my mother used one to help restrain the effervescent impulsiveness of ChattyGenes when we were visiting Niagara Falls and she was a lively toddler. (I, only a year older but preferring to stroll at a leisurely pace while shooting my mouth off, was not considered to be in danger.) The Falls were dangerous enough back then to justify the harness, I think. For all I know, they are now fenced so high that only a Capuchin monkey could possibly fall in.
corinthian
May 10th, 2008 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

I think if anybody is allowed to use Comic Sans it should be comics…
Jana C.H.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

#157 mollificent— Where do you get off being shorter than me? No adult is supposed to be shorter than me; that’s one of the rules of the universe.

Well, it’s only an inch, and since I’ve lost one inch already I will doubtless catch up someday.

Uff da!

Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith JcH: Anyone over five feet is too tall.
Barbara P
May 10th, 2008 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

I know for a fact that the Dennis the Menace cartoon caption was actually used in Family Circus at one time. The only thing different was the cat’s name.

Unfortunately, I can’t prove it. When I was a kid I had a book of Family Circus cartoons, and that was one of them. This was at least 25 years ago, so that book is long gone (which perhaps is for the better).
SpiffBereft
May 10th, 2008 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

16) “Also, it is satisfying to see that Jeffy is too impotent to cry out something more damning than “Bad word!””

Actually in a fit of self-loathing at his own severe limitations, Jeffy was shouting “Bastard!” This would have been obvious if he hadn’t bitten his tongue off in the fall.
Lamb Cannon
May 11th, 2008 at 8:29 am [Reply]

Comic Sans is the groovy script font which comes with the Windows 95 Plus! pack
Sheila Sternwell (the former Mrs. Tuddrussel)
May 12th, 2008 at 4:45 am [Reply]

Win95 rocks! You cannot drag me into the 21st century, mortals, I’m staying in the ’90s where it’s safer.
Deborah
May 12th, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

I think Alan thinks that toothbrush is a microphone. He looks like he’s about to sing into it. That look of horror is stagefright.

Okay, all together now:

“I got the blues so bad
Cuz I’m on some nameless drug
And my girlfriend will be mad
Yeah I got the blues so bad
I can’t find my pipe or my dope
I’m without hope

I got the blues so bad
And Margot is a dyke
My pipe is gone
And I think this is a toothbrush not a mike.”
Braniff
May 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am [Reply]

163–Perhaps there was a bit of South Park in this particular Family Circus.

Billy: OMG, they killed Jeffy!
Dolly: You bastard!

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