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Friday one-liners

Apartment 3-G, 6/13/08

My God, everyone who identified Alan’s cylindrical “crack pipe” as a Pixy Stick was right!

Dick Tracy, 6/13/08

Yes, there’s certainly nothing that says “the inner city” like one of those curvy Sherlock Holmes-style pipes.

Family Circus, 6/13/08

I guess we should all be thankful that Jeffy’s strict religious upbringing has kept the word “nipple” out of his vocabulary.

Mary Worth, 6/13/08

“And I wasn’t attractive, I was radiant.

Momma, 6/13/08

Francis + Momma + “I’d have that box filled every day” = NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

127 responses to “Friday one-liners”

  1. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Aw, crap, I killed a thread. So I’m reposting:

    Want to waste a lot of time this weekend? Maybe all of it? Go here. It’s one of those sites that does Photoshop challenges, and this one is a challenge to make newspaper comics funny. Many are NSFW, and not all are funny (odd how often the filthy and not-funny overlap). But since there are dozens of pages, there are still lots of funny ones. If I got the link from this site in the first place, I apologize for the redundancy. But go look anyway, if crude drawings of Jon buggering Garfield don’t offend you.

  2. Ed
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Momma:

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

    *whimper*

  3. Zaq
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Good hell, to steal one of your phrases, that Momma’s text is less sub than the Rex Morgan / Niki storyline! (And of course, we all know “subtext” is just an anagram for “buttsex.”)

  4. Ed
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Uh, crap. Sorry ><

  5. doug rogers
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    In the inner city they smoke rats. That’s why he can smell a rat, because he can’t be smelling anything other than pipe smoke.

    Only the electronic lights are out? The incandescents still work… don’t they? The flashlights still work? This is as incoherent as Gil Thorp.

  6. doug rogers
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Ahh! Watson! The lights are afoot!

  7. Violet
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Of whom is Jeffy asking this question, anyway? I’d like to think it’s directed at The Lord, and followed up with “Why, God, why?!” and a torrent of sobs.

  8. Lolsworth
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    The people of the City finally start to become aware of the prolonged rat infestation which now has lasted several decades, only going undetected because everyone’s head is too huge and squared off for them to look anywhere but straight ahead. Also everyone squints.

    You’d think the fact that moving anywhere makes the sound “CRUNCH SQUEAK” would have given them a hint.

  9. Dr. Blinky
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    That second panel of Momma will haunt my dreams for years to come. So long, painful memories of Uncle Bill!

  10. Benjamin Baxter
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    In Momma, I can’t help but think that the perpetually abused son figure is carrying a bouquet to Momma’s next conquest.

    And I can’t help but think that by pretending to be in denial that he’s anything but peeved.

    http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/

  11. t3knomanser
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    I hate it when people turn off my “electronic lights”.

  12. shegotzen
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    I’m disappointed in Dick Tracy, which missed an opportunity to educate its young readers. Surely there’s some sort of grammatical exercise that can be worked out of the three-panel dialogue sequence: “I’m beginning to smell a rat!” “I smell a rat!” and then ideally, “I’m finished smelling the rat!” Of course, the plan fails under the consideration that there are no young people anywhere reading Dick Tracy.

  13. Gagott68
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Am I the only one to notice Delta’s raging camel toe? I’m so ashamed.

  14. doofus
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    Luan: Delta is showing some camel toe

  15. Gagott68
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    Wow…barely beat doofus to the punch on that one. I’m still very ashamed.

  16. The Ray
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    We have our Liberal Media, our Right-Wing Media; Santa Royale is apparently under the influence of the Beer-Goggle Media.

  17. doofus
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    DT: I hate it when they turn off the electronic lights

  18. doofus
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Gagott68, so am I

  19. Shoshi
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    And why is it no longer a Police Pod Squad, but a Police Squad Pod? Is it one of those interchangeable phrases, like time-limited? More importantly, is it a pod of police squads, or a squad related to pods? Or is it a place for police tots to swim:

    http://www.podsquad.com.au/

  20. Citric
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    Momma: And that is a garbage bag of used condoms and empty KY bottles.

    Just to up the ick factor.

  21. Shalomi
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    “An attractive companion?” Really?

    Considering the fact that Jeff is not even looking at the paper, I have my doubts that he even looked at the article beyond the accompanying image. The article was probably really an exposé on how Ron is using his city-financed credit card for personal expenses.

  22. corinthian
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Noooooooooo!

  23. Rusty
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: “I helped him with his ‘hard time’ by reaching under the tablecloth, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.”

  24. Norm
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    Do all the newspapers in Mary’s town have an obsession with senior citizen sex scandals?

  25. Shalomi
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    Jeff is such a whiny, possessive goddamn child. It figures that he’d end up with a hyper-maternalistic woman to smother him with care and affection and to fix all of his grown up problems for him.

  26. Shalomi
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    Nobody turned out the lights, Dick, your eyes are just closed.

    Dumbass.

  27. SFMarcus
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    MW: ‘Attractive companion” ?????
    Oh wait, it’s a quote from The Santa Royale Necrophilia News. Now I get it.

  28. ohyes
    June 13th, 2008 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    I think that when someone smells a rat, they may actually be smelling several rats. When I smelled a rat in my living room, and, dumbfounded by the reality of the musky stench, concluded it was underfoot in the ceiling timbers of the basement, I went on to trap several.

    They smell like damp fur and meat.

    They don’t bathe, certainly not with pet shampoo.

  29. Bobdog
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    “It was friendly, not romantic! And for God’s sake I’m not attractive! Can’t these damned reporters get anything right?”

  30. Phoebe
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    I think this has already been touched upon, but:
    “Hey, who turned out all our electronic lights?” What, is Dick Tracy Amish now? Only candlelight for him, yessiree.

  31. Bobdog
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Relax, LuAnn, Haley just wanted your boyfriend to put a little sugar in her bowl, that’s all.

  32. Bobdog
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    Is this the point where Dick Tracy gets eaten by the Vashta Nerada?

  33. Sally Villarreal
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    The pipe is anomaly, but the mention of “electronic lights” reminds us that what century we are in. Sort of.

  34. Mac
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    I keep telling you, Dr. Jeff, you can do a lot better than Mary Worth. Let the old trollop throw herself at whatever two-bit politician she fancies, and find yourself a trophy wife like Professor Chinbeard did.

  35. Eau de Plugger
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    What in the Jeffybuttons is wrong with Mell Lazarus? Unspeakable filth!!! Momma’s expression in panel 2 is so mis-interpretable. Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

  36. MrP
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Reading collections of old Phantom strips, I always found myself annoyed at how the first panel explains what happened in the previous strip. This sequence of “Dick Tracy” strips makes me realize just how necessary that first panel in “The Phantom” is. As it is, this strip looks like something out of the Random Garfield Generator.

  37. Sheila Sternwell
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I’m failing to see what part of that sentence could be construed as “good news”. One assumes it’s the “almost”, but maybe he’s talking about the “blown”.

    I wish I could find that old post that showed how long this day in JP has lasted. No, on second thought, I don’t want to know.

  38. Crankenstank
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Notice how Jeffy’s lifting that cushion? Laws of Physics, helloooooooo!!!!?!

  39. Joe Btfsplk
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy – I don’t know whether “pod squad” and/or “squad pod” are actual terms used by real-life law-enforcers or not, but they should be.

    Momma – I don’t feel up to the amount of thought that it would take for me to figure out why Momma has a dumpster-sized box overflowing with garbage in her yard, or why she discards so much tangled-up baling-wire. Or is that a fence, with the tops of the neighbors’ bushes showing above it? Lazarus’ art has deteriorated now beyond the point where I’m able to tell for sure. The punchline more or less mandates the presence of some sort of box in the panel. But then I have to keep wondering why such a thing would be there.

    Though, I do enjoy the way she calls her son “boy.”

  40. Tess
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    I sure hope that bag contains Mama’s chopped up remains. I know I’d commit matricide if my mom raped me.

  41. Future Cat Lady
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    Honestly thought I was hallucinating when I saw todays FC. I think he’s ‘roid ragin’, that or The Dark Lord Satan is finally allowing him to flaunt his powers based on sacrifices.

  42. commodorejohn
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    #36 MrP – No kidding. It’s certainly a switch from the Dick Tracy norm of one new panel per strip.

    #38 Crankenstank – I dunno, with a lighter foam cushion, the greater force exerted by the bottom four fingers should be sufficient to keep it semi-upright. Not that I doubt it was actually just shoddy art.

  43. Zaq
    June 13th, 2008 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    DT: “Dammit! Who turned out all our electronic lights? Now we’re likely to be eaten by electronic grues!”

    FC: I’m reasonably certain, based on the scale in that cartoon, that my cat is larger than Jeffy. When he went to the vet two weeks ago, he weighed 7.1 pounds. Just sayin’.

    GT: Okay, I don’t know what the hell they mean by “Spanish immersion class” (I mean, the whole point of an immersion class is to spend an extended period of time in it, right? Not running off “100 miles away” for a single afternoon? Right?), but I swear that the dialog sounds more like awkward-first-time-sex than eloping or Spanish training. I mean, tell me that Brendan’s lines yesterday and today don’t sound more like she’s trying to convince a willing-but-still-hesitant Elmer to slap on the condom and get to work than like she’s trying to convince him to elope or to brush up on his Spanish. Seriously.

    DtM: Dennis shows us the unhealthy pattern of food-as-reward that can lead to unhealthy eating habits and cause obesity or other problems later in life! Menacing! Or something.

  44. Judo Throw Toy
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    DT: Good thing they only turned out their electronic lights and not . . . umm . . . all the other . . . uh . . . non-electronic lights?

  45. Pastramigod
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    In today’s statement of the obvious, Dick Tracy has me very confused. At first I had chalked up the pipe to good old Dick Tracyness. However, Dick then felt the need to elaborate that the lights in question are electronic. This makes me wonder if this strip takes place in the late 1800s. Or maybe Locher’s just crazy. Or both.

  46. essteess
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: I’m sorry, but when I see the word “pod,” all I can think of is “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and people pointing and screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” (Plus a topless Brooke Adams, but never mind)

    Funky Winkerbean: Come on, admit it — you visualized a Homer “Why you little –!” Simpson moment in the last panel.

    Mary Worth: The hell with the plot and dialogue. What’s with the “art” on Mary’s wall in panel 2? Looks like we have “Hartford Skyline at Dusk” on the left, next to it “Stick Figure, 1991,” and then next to that “Gale Gordon as The Sun King.” Maybe Mary’s been going to the Museum of Bad Art [http://www.museumofbadart.org/] but didn’t get the joke.

  47. WillieO
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    “Bye Alan, thanks for the cup of dope-fueled sex! …um…sugar, I mean… the cup of sugar I am obviously not carrying…uh…oh, man I need another hit…”

  48. minor flood
    June 13th, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    Is Francis gonna be filling a pine box? I really don’t understand.

  49. Gojira
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Momma: One day ago: Francis, filling the box seat.

  50. Chromium
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    I know this is old news, but “Dick Tracy” has to be the craziest goddamn thing to ever appear in a mainstream American newspaper. “Gil Thorp” is like a beach book compared to this strip. The narration boxes and expository dialogue don’t really matter all that much when all the artwork consists of these gigantic freakish Easter Island heads taking up 90% of the panel. Jesus Christ.

    Also, ignoring Delta’s cameltoe for the moment, what exactly is going on in panel two there? Is Luann… like… dying?

  51. Daveyk
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    OK, who turned out all of our electronic lights? If it weren’t for these gas lamps, we wouldn’t be able to see. And you said installing gas lamps in 2008 was crazy…well, who’s crazy now?

  52. Cafangdra
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    I’m increasingly and totally non-ironically enamored of the A3G artwork. Just thought I’d share.

  53. skullcrusherjones
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    Even crackheads know Luann is crazy with all her haunted studio and all.

    At least that’s what the snickering orange unicorn told Alan.

  54. Red Greenback
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    I was always so mesmerized at the sight of Dick Tracy’s itty-bitty hands and missile-fin honker that I just noticed… the dude’s eyebrows are HUGE!
    That’s all, carry on.

  55. Sjofn
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    I sincerely love this week’s Mary Worth. He’s just so mad! And she’s so insulted he’s mad! And for some reason I think this is awesome! Good thing they’ll probably continue saying things like, “You went out for DINNER!” and “Yes, I did!” for like two months.

  56. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    Luann What are the odds that the result of today’s strip will be that the driver:
    a) is Dirk
    b) is someone Luann knows
    c) is some guy who she’ll fall for and get all worked up over, but ultimately will not know she’s alive, AS USUAL.

  57. Shoebox
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    In today’s Foob: Anthony’s way of dealing with being railroaded into a wedding date is to muse about how weddings are like huge classic rock festivals held at least a decade before he was born.

    …Just personally, I think Lynn’s giving subtle advice re: what’ll get her readers through this storyline if the denial thing doesn’t work out. Having trouble imagining what’s going on-off panel? Just pop some acid, and all’s peace and love!

  58. DullJokerman
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    In my vision of the horror-landscape that is the totalitarian world of Dick Tracy, the failure of electronic lights doesn’t hinder the police station, with plenty of light being provided from constant burning of out-of-line prisoners.

  59. CanuckDownSouth
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    FOOB – if they’d just swapped the Friday and Saturday strip order, this would have made a LOT more sense. Real people order of doing things: get an idea of wedding timeframe, verify with fiance or fiancee that this is a good timeframe, THEN start running around pinning dresses or whatever other details suddenly seem last-minute.

    I’d say this is the first decision Liz has made – she never had a solid proposal to say “yes” to, didn’t have any input in the dress, and wasn’t given a chance to explain whether she had any aesthetic preference about the ring she’ll wear for the rest of her life – but, of course, she hasn’t. It’s been made for her by circumstance. She’s less than a cipher, she’s just a spot where narrative points converge, with no effect on the story.

  60. bats :[
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    Some Saturday observations:

    MW: Mary might be in a tight spot right now, but cripes! ENOUGH with the Drama Queen histrionics, Jeff! If there’s a community theatre group in Santa Royale, maybe you need to consider that as an alternate to whining and dining your poor doctor-ego.

    RMMD: what the…? Sounds like the kind of hide-away Rex can only dream of for himself and Niki…no having to drive for hours to some remote cabin on the pretense of “fishing.”
    So Sunday’s color extravaganza is going to be Rex and the police finding a “secret fort” with three dead kids in it?

    FOOB: wow, this is interesting. Asshathony is being absolutely reasonable, both in allowing whatever time frame is good, and realizing what a debacle this is going to turn out to be. Heck, this is Foobland. Liz supposedly doesn’t want anything fancy, only that Grandpa is there — yeah, right…if she doesn’t have something at least on the scale as Shawna-Marie’s wedding, guess who’s going to have a shit fit and fall into it.
    My answer: bundle Grandpa Jim into a plane, elope in Las Vegas, and give the old guy a lap dance at the reception.

  61. The REAL Brian
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    “Electronic Lights.” Christ, Dick Tracy really is 100 years old in this strip, isn’t he?

  62. bats :[
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    OTOH, why does Asshathony want to wait until next year to get married? Cripes, was the sex so bad or non-existent with Therese that he doesn’t have any desire for the Love of His Life? Is he getting it on with Liz anyway? Right now? Premaritally? (Yeah, right.)
    Why do I get this feeling that Asshathony looks like a Ken doll, fore and aft?

  63. Canaduck
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    …Mary Worth an…”attractive companion”?

    Why is nobody else blown away by this description…?

    …where am I? What planet is this?

  64. Tom Bombadil
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    FC: From the way Jeffy is holding the cushion, I can only conclude that the chair is a college-apartment-type inflatable number. It would fit right in with the bare-bones way the rest of the house is decorated. I’m surprised they don’t have a coffee table built out of milk crates and empty pizza boxes.

  65. OverCat
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Okay, it’s finally officially Saturday in comics land. Now look – they are swinging Francine between them in the last panel. But where is she in all the previous panels? Did she drop down from a tree? Spring out from under Liz’s headband? Emerge from the empty, empty place in Anthony’s heart? Or was she just trailing behind them, ignored, in a foreshadowing of her life to come?

    Nah, I think Lynn, the “great artist”, just f****ed up.

  66. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    (WT)DT I continue to be fascinated with the way they superglue phones to the tips of their stubby little fingers!
    FC Dolly aims her Finger of Fault and fires!
    FBoFW Liz looks much younger, prettier, and interesting with her hair down and not in its frumpy bun. Anthony is still pretty much a waste of meat and eyeballs, and don’t you love the way he INSTANTLY references Woodstock; gee he must be groovy! However, the winning notation in today’s strip is Liz in panel four: look at where her waist is to the right, then take a gander at where her ASSLINE is further down. Jesus, the girl has a fucking End Table for an Ass, and her hipbone and waistline is the top. All she needs is a waxing of Lemon Pledge, holy shit!

  67. CanuckDownSouth
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    Of course, in FOOB, Anthony’s “whatever, it’s fine” response makes all the reasonable suggestions for why they’re taking it “slowly” evaporate, save one: Liz isn’t sure she really wants to marry him. They’re not saving up, worried about Francine getting used to her new family, finalizing the divorce, undergoing premarital counselling, or even renegotiating visitation with Therese for after the marriage (let alone the usual reasons such as finishing off schooling or getting a solid job in order to start a household – those were never issues).

    Nope. Liz wasn’t sure. And now she won’t have a chance to think about it, because if she did, Gramps wouldn’t see her get married. Man, I wish they were getting married in a church which required a pre-marriage course or counselling session. With the ‘mudges guest-writing the strips, even for just one week.

    I’d start Monday segueing in with ‘ok, you have pretty similar views on finances, and a good idea of each other’s career and family views’ and then have them forced to discuss their views on fidelity. On Tuesday, it would be revealed that Anthony used “the list”, including ‘ready to make a lifetime commitment’, with Therese… oh, and how it would go from there…

  68. Bah
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    So, what’re the odds that Haley and Alan really were just smoking sugar? Alan’s look isn’t one of dull surprise that Haley managed to play it cool; it’s a look of dull surprise that Haley accidentally told Lu Ann everything.

  69. CanuckDownSouth
    June 14th, 2008 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    #65: Francie is in the distance in panel 1, and returning (in silhouette, partial of her head) in panel 3. She’s actually drawn like a little kid running around, having fun in her own little world. Which makes her the only character capable of having fun in the whole strip, of course…

  70. Mr. O'Malley
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    If Rex Morgan were investigating the case of the salmonella-tainted tomatoes, he would:

    a.) select a farm by throwing a dart at a map of North America

    b.) travel to said farm, and randomly make a selection from a list of recently discarded farming equipment

    c.) harass people who claim not to know where discarded farming equipment goes when you throw it away (“One person is already dead!”)

    d.) discover item in landfill site

    Lab analysis shows landfill site contaminated with bacteria…CASE SOLVED!

    And all before lunchtime!

  71. CanuckDownSouth
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    S-M: who knew such tough webbing could have such a low, low, heat capacity? (Seriously? A wee lil’ spritz of LN2 ?? You have to dunk & hold rose petals to make ‘em brittle!)

  72. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    FW The coloring monkeys insist on making Funky and his wife white-haired. They must hate Funky almost as much as I do. Revenge is sweet, especially if you are a coloring monkey.
    (WTF)GT “Elmer and Branden ran off to take a Spanish class.” Next week: Elmer and Branden escape to pick up a loaf of bread and a jar of Goofy Grape. Oh my GOD, the excitement never ENDS in this strip!
    JP If Sam appears high at the thought of someone else having something going, it’s because his own life is so fraught with stagnancy he has to get drunk in order to grin like that. Sammy – Abbey’s right there, put down the glass and get something going. That means fuck her.

  73. Mibbitmaker
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    Saturday the 14th:

    FOOB: Liz — meaning Ellie — really wants such a big wedding that the throughway will be closed, man!

    MW: “See, Mary? I will now swat you like the fly you are! WHOOSH! See??”

    Ghost-Who-Dives-Like-A-Bird: The sound he’ll make hitting the water is waiting for Monday?

    Popeye: …Whereas, in “Popeye”, sound effects occur, but the person they’re happening to doesn’t have to be there at all for it to happen.

    SFx: The panels are in the right order. See:
    1) Guy’s in the water.
    2) He finds treasure.
    3) The crab snips him right out of the water to protect the treasure.
    4) Since the crab got him out of the water, he has to dive back in.
    5) …So he sees the treasure he wants, and is very happy. The end.

    Makes perfect sense!

  74. Orange Doorhinge
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    A3G: Is Alan going to ask Luanne to help him Kick His Habit, or loan him money to “go into business”? I’m actually interested.

  75. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    Jumble *shiver up my spine at the caption*
    Don’t want to know.
    MT Yeah, Cherry; you can handle Kelly all right. I can’t wait for when she tells you, you’ll have to give her Mark in order to set the scene right. And you’ll do it too, because after all, she’s paying you. Remember?
    MW Whee! Dr. Jeff is on a full-court press SNIT!
    Momma This comic continues to disturb me. Are…are they nailed there or something?
    MC I just love Maureen today!
    Peanuts Sometimes I like to sit and visualize the Comics Hit Squad when they target Lucy Van Pelt. What a bitch.
    RMMD Those are the words Rex was just waiting to hear: the kids were really excited, and how cool it was that no one would hear them anymore! Even his chin is getting a hard-on.
    S-M Yeah, Doomed One! I betcha didn’t count on your flying opponent to carry liquid nitrogen in order to freeze your weblines! It’s like he’s not counting on you to simply fasten onto a building on your way down and then swing on off safely. Because you’re the Doomed One!

  76. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    Tiger Normally I don’t read Tiger because I like to think I have good taste, but I must admit today’s strip is a true glimpse into the interests of little boys: hammering nail after nail into a piece of wood simply for the sheer joy of pounding the hell out of nails and a board. Doesn’t have to do anything or serve a useful purpose. Just hammer the living shit out of it.

  77. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    ZtP Oh lord yes, YES! I want to see Zippy the Pinhead guest starring in The Family Circus!

    Dean Booth! I’m begging of you, please, let’s see Jeffy with a topknot tied up with a big red bow and a polka-dot muu-muu! In fact, why not the whole family, why not SEVERAL comic strip families, trying the Pinhead lifestyle?

  78. Colinski
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    Boy, for someone who draws a comic strip about old people, Mary Worth’s artist sure can’t draw old people very well, can he? A little sags and wrinkles become flesh falling off the face under his heavy pen.

  79. Mibbitmaker
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    6/14:

    FC: Like in the occasional Letterman bits, Dolly points at mommy, then — POOF! — mommy vanishes!

    S-M: “And, here, I thought the flu was my biggest prooooooooobleeeeeeeeemmmmm………….” (splat)

    A3G: “It’s you doing this to Alan, isn’t it….Ryder! ?”

    GT: Well, so much for her Ann Frank routine…

    ZtP: At least you’re admitting it, Griffy. acknowledging that is half the battle right there. I suggest you get back to the Americana roadsign stuff right away.

    MG&G: I WANT MORE CARTOON PARODIES! I WANT MORE CARTOON PARODIES!! (multiple foot stampings)

    Nancy: Karate hates Teddy bears.

    ****************************************

    MT:
    Roger: “Good, because she does come on too strong. Like… well, like right now, f’rinstance. See, she’s bringing that chair right on over to that wood chipper over there. That’s how she–”

    Cherry: “WAIT! You bring back that chair, y’ freakin’ lunatic!!……” (runs out)

    ****************************************

    JP: Seems like Sam has something going, too — cirrhosis of the liver.

  80. In Light Syrup
    June 14th, 2008 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    Ah. When all else is quiet on the internet – that is, the IM’s don’t beep, the emails don’t come in, heck, the phone doesn’t ring – I know I can stop by here for some fabulous comics snark. Thanks, guys.

    Momma: it’s sick, but man… I don’t think we’re that off-base :-s.
    FOOB: I think Lynn continues to draw even as she has a flashback back to Woodstock… unless we’re talking the 1999 Woodstock, but somehow I don’t think so. Seriously, what a dumb reference. That’s all I’ve got on this.
    LuAnn: They’re still picking up trash.

    Ooh, I haven’t read the serials, yet, tonight :-o!

  81. ChattyGenes
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    #75 True Fable. Re today’s Peanuts: “What a bitch.”

    Sir, you are speaking of my former namesake!

    Which is perfectly fine with me. Reading today’s strip made me really glad that I changed my moniker a while back.

    and #76 “I must admit today’s strip is a true glimpse into the interests of little boys: hammering nail after nail into a piece of wood simply for the sheer joy of pounding the hell out of nails and a board.”

    Don’t forget (some) little girls. As a kid, I always enjoyed whopping nails with a hammer. Still do:-)

  82. Jym
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    =80= FBoFW (In Light Syrup): Woodstock? Woodstock? One can only assume that he’s speaking from experience, and referring to his wedding to Thërëse. This summer’s would be Foobapalooza, of course. (Though those involved have clearly taken the brown acid.)

    And Warren will be up there seeding the clouds.

  83. Anonymous
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    Zippy Le Pinhed

    If this is a bad joke about Thel’s death, my already high estimation of Griffy is tickling the ionosphere.

  84. Tom
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    Will Luann realize that Haley doesn’t have a cup of sugar in her hand???

  85. Tom
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:26 am [Reply]

    #60 Did you really just suggest that Lizardbreath should give her drooling old gwampa a lap dance? On her wedding day?

    Sure, she’d probably get more action than she would with her new husband, but still….

    Meanwhile, Anthony: “Doesn’t anyone want a mustache ride?”

  86. True Fable
    June 14th, 2008 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    # 81 Chatty Genes – I would never do such a thing to you, babydoll! My remark was entirely about Lucy Van Pelt and I stand by my assessment.

    See, I never liked Lucy, not even as a kid; nor did I particularly like Charlie Brown. She was just entirely too vicious for my sweet goat nature to like even a bit, and Charlie Brown was so hapless and passive I kept wondering what the hell was his problem. I had an enormous amount of respect for Linus, however. Linus gave back what got dished to him whereas Charlie Brown just stayed bent over saying “Thank you sir, may I have another?” time and again. Little Truman said, “fuck that!”

    I also liked Shroeder. One of my college professors had a bust of Shroeder on HIS piano. True story.

  87. dale
    June 14th, 2008 at 4:45 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp Sat. 6/14

    Why run off to take Spanish class?
    Branden speaks Spanish.
    When Elmope is deported, he’ll be in immersion class and it’ll be free.

    Given the Spanish class bit, I guessed the quit after one day part.
    Because the timeline consisted of: some things happened and then other things happened; I didn’t try to record all the possibilities.
    It could be explained as – The kids were gone for one night. When trainer cum message boy Rick Scott caught up with Mimi, she was out with a 1st period gym class on day 2, not an afternoon team practice on day 1.

  88. Lynngineering
    June 14th, 2008 at 5:17 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: “Woodstock”! Excellent. That’s what I meant yesterday about FOOB – it’s only interesting to follow in this last phase as it grows more bizarre while claiming to normalcy. It’s as if in the last season, yet another director was hired to steer what was once a light sitcom into darker, dramedy area.

    An author would refer to what the character themselves would know – - Anthony would make a flashback note-to-self that he was at his own wedding once before! What might he foresee about weddings from that?

    Rather than the ego-rific comparison to a massive, countercultural icon of a concert, WOODSTOCK?!

    Unless … this is a Lynn inside joke to Peanuts, and Anthony meant the bird Woodstock, who did take on a life of his own, from nominal side-character to beloved friend of Snoopy.

    Anthony should get so lucky.

  89. car
    June 14th, 2008 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    I rarely post, but also couldn’t help it when exposed to the slap of Woodstock. I’m older than Liz and Anthony are supposed to be, and I was born several years after Woodstock. No one that age would ever think that, Lynn. No one 10 years older than that would ever think that. Jeez, is she giving up entirely on having the characters be anything other than facets of her own psyche? Pretty soon all of the characters will just be drawn as Elly, some with mustaches and some with ponytails.

  90. JonboyDC
    June 14th, 2008 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    Hey, that stockboy in Rex Morgan has Coach Kaz’s old hair and his earrings!

  91. Gnoll
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    The severity of Alan’s pouting in panel 2 is proof that the drugs are working.

  92. ChattyGenes
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    #86 True Fable. Good assessment of all the characters. And no offense taken! I knew you meant Lucy Van Pelt!:-)

    I actually learned the word “depressed” from reading Peanuts comics. And I never could figure out what was with Charlie Brown, either. “Howcome he’s always depressed?” I used to think. (once I learned what the word meant.)

    That’s so cool that your professor had a bust of Shroeder!

    As for Lucy and my previous moniker (“CrabbyGenes,” for newbies and for Mudgies who don’t remember what it was)–I guess I DID like her, but for a horrible reason: I WAS like her in that I was often crabby and grouchy. I think part of my problem was that my parents made the comparison between Lucy and me, and it became a vicious circle,–a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I may have thought, “You say I’m like Lucy Van Pelt? Okay, I WILL be like her!”

    A word of advice to Mudgies with children: Be careful of the nicknames you give your children, and of who you compare them to. I actually began to take pride in being crabby and grouchy when I was a kid.

    I didn’t think very hard before choosing my original CC moniker–I just pulled that nickname out of my past. When a friend suggested my current moniker, I realized that I had changed from the person I used to be, and that I didn’t want to identify with Lucy Van Pelt anymore.

    Good grief, this has become an essay! Sorry, folks!

    But now I’m wondering if anyone here has had an experience with nicknames that is similar to mine?

    (I love thread embroidery!;-)

  93. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Is Dick Tracy being written by the Keane Family?

    Where is Dick Tracy running these days anyway? I fail to see them on any of the East Coast papers I sample from time to time in my travels. The Philadelphia Inky dropped him to no outbursts or wails of despair, much like no one complained when The Wilmington News Journal dropped CATHY.

  94. Francis
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Less suspicious things that Haley could have said as she was leaving:

    “Thanks for pouring some sugar on me, Alan.”

    “So long, Alan, my long-lost cousin.”

    “Hello, you must be the person whose name Alan cried out while he was having an orgasm.”

    “Bye, Alan, thanks for not selling me drugs.”

  95. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    I just clicked over and read the dialog in DICK TRACY. Uh—someone’s trying to be fancy but is coming off as half arsed because it sounds so trite. Trying too hard to sound different.

    FOOB: Gramps will die and return to life, crash the wedding screaming “Brains” and eat Lizard Breath.

    Serve them right.

  96. sara: habitual lurker
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Thank you again to the Mudge community for assuring me that I’m not completely losing it! After this mornings FBOFW, coming and reading the comments, and knowing that I’m not the only one who finds this strip more perplexinng and stomach-churning by the week is a lifeline. What does it say about the times we live in that reading the comics requires a support group?

  97. THewalkindude
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Why must Dick Tracy specify electric lights? Is there some other kind of light in his world that we don’t know about? Or is it that he’s gone back in time to Victorian England, and so must assume that we think he means candles?

  98. gleeb
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Dennis: Now that’s just filthy.

  99. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Crock: Hate to break it to you, but men’s shorts (I assume she’s talking about undies) are sized by waist circumference, and 42 isn’t really that big. Maggot is drawn more like the 60-inch range. Though where you get shorts to fit a giant walking potato-head with legs in the first place, I dunno.

    DtM: I bet Dean Booth or bats :[ will have a mashup with an altered sign posted within the hour.

    FC: Dolly’s last words to her mother would ring in her guilty ears forever after Thel left to go to her “baby shower,” never to return.

    Lockhorns: Wouldn’t word have gotten around by now about what a horrid experience dinner with the Lockhorns is? Or maybe Loretta’s really not a bad cook or singer, and that look on the guest’s face is pity that the eternally bitter Leroy doesn’t see what he has in her.

    MT: “Oh, hi, big boy! I was just putting ice cubes in a bowl! I hope this is what you meant by ‘go make yourself useful in the kitchen’!”

    MW: Newspapers generally don’t put filler on the front page… oh, wait, I used to work for a newspaper. Yes, they do. Carry on.

    Also: I love how that sun-devil seems to be whispering in Jeff’s ear, goading him on. Where’s the moon-angel for his other shoulder? Getting her drink on at the Bum Boat, no doubt.

    Momma: Oh, God… those boys are all comatose. Has she chloroformed the lot? Dosed them with roofies? Is she going to drag their limp, helpless bodies off and put them into a variety of Saw-like scenarios as vengeance for their years of put-downs and neglect? ‘Cause that thought is only slightly less gruesome than the thought that she’s going to use them sexually.

    Phantom: Oh, goodie! I love Kim Cattrall! As the mermaid Madison, she can help Phantom move the seaplane back to the platform!

    PC: She’s a “person of color”? Have we ever seen any evidence of this in the artwork? I didn’t know “squiggles” was an ethnicity.

    RMMD: Later: “I know what you’re thinking, Rex, and we are NOT soundproofing our basement!”

    S-M: Liquid nitrogen? Vulcha, please. Counting the space for the insulation necessary to keep that cold, there’s probably enough room in that gun for just the one spray you just fired. Spidey can simply web you again before he falls too far. Then what? And here I was giving you credit yesterday for having brains. Wouldn’t it make more sense to spray his webbing with a chemical solvent, like denatured alcohol, hydrochloric acid, mineral spirits, hell, even gasoline? It might take a bit to dissolve, but you can take that time to fly even higher and make Spidey’s drop more surely fatal.

  100. Calico
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    DT – “Electronic Lights”
    Dick doesn’t realize they aren’t toiling by gaslamp and paraffin any more.

    #324 yesterthread – excellent essay.

    Gotta go read today’s stuff now. Boxcar.

  101. Calico
    June 14th, 2008 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    #96 – Haha, FOOBs Anonymous!

  102. Tweeks_Coffee
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    A3G: Slap her, Alan, that’ll knock some sense into her. Maybe.
    DT: So much for anonymity, eh?
    FOOB: Is that really the best analogy he could’ve come up with? I think Frankenstein would’ve worked equally well.
    GT: Yeah, because baseball is illegal in Mexico, right?
    MT: Who’s Roger and where’d he come from? The guy popped up like a fucking jack-in-the-box.
    MW: Sure, filler…on the front page…that makes perfect sense.
    Pluggers: Okay, so ’39 was 69 years ago. Now let’s be generous and assume they graduated when they were 17. So those Pluggers are currently 86.
    PC: Ah, so now the artist admits that Carmen is supposed to be a black girl, not the “mix of all races” BS he tried to pull before. So in the end she’s just a racist caricature.

  103. Gojira
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    S-M: Strange, while I could sort of buy the old geezer original Vulture flying around in a green unitard with a feather collar, this whippersnapper with the oversized feather collar keeps coming across very “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”-ish to me.

  104. Vakar
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    FBoFW: Oh no, that Woodstock reference means something… I’ll bet Lynn is going to have a huge open-air enactment of the Big Event up in Corbeil! The diehard FOOB fans all over North America will flock to be a part of the End! Which means they’ll all be on one place! Possibilities…

    FW: This is the first time Asshole Funky has seemed real to me.

    MT: Uh, who’s that guy? Maybe this will turn out to be a porn shoot.

    MW: Panel 2 is awesome. Jeff finally loses it and starts whipping the paper at Mary for no discernable reason. “Maybe I WAS wrong… See this picture I’ve shoved in your face a bunch of times? Well, HERE it is!” Perhaps most important, his head is about to eclipse that sun icon. Symbolic of the strange, dark world that will result from Mary Worth becoming ‘available’ again. Jeff, please, think of the children!

  105. Calico
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Oh, and kidz, please don’t forget to NOT take the Brown Acid. The Brown Acid is bad. Very, very, bad.

  106. TheDiva
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    FOOB: And it’s official: Anthony has no parents, relatives (apart from Francie), or anyone even remotely important in his life, otherwise he would be at least marginally concerned about setting a wedding date that they could, you know, actually attend. Which is probably why he’s so easily assimilated into the Patterson collective.

  107. cheech wizard
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    GT – The “Spanish Immersion Class” sounds like a Homeland Security equivalent of a certain inquisition by the same name.

    BTW, someone should tell Elmer that getting deported to South America is probably the best thing that could happen to his career as a professional athlete. Can you say “Baseball been berrry, berry good to me” ?

    LuAnn – I’m waiting for the inevitable catfight that will occur when three other litter-pickin’ teenage ho’s try to move in on their block.

    Phantom – “He’s probably someone hired by the oil company to provide maintenance and security on their oil rig while it’s inactive. But why not just shoot him anyway, just for the hell of it?”

    FC – Those aren’t belly buttons, Jeffy, they’re tiny little sphincter-sized beanbag chairs -. What do you think spends all day mashed against those cushions, anyway?

  108. ThursdayNext
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Well, I guess Lynne knows her audience, because only boomers would find that Woodstock reference the least bit relevant. But did you notice that the walrus mustache is gone?
    It also looked like she was trying to introduce a little physical something in it, though “lover, grab my elbows” is a fairly limited fetish.
    Why, I wonder, was she so insistent in her whine fest that we all know Anthony? Who are his parents? Does he have any siblings? A life? Opinions? Favorite books?
    All I know is that he’s a dork with a kid.

  109. Calico
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    #104 – Oh, God, do you mean like a mud-caked vigil for the end of the strip? Is the wedding dance going to be to “The Curtain”?
    Who’s gonna burn their guitar? Tom Cochran? Or maybe Alex Lifeson?

  110. Kiesha
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Congratulations, Liz. If you want a summer wedding, you will get your wish. You’ve got enough time to either go down to City Hall or to Vegas, neither of which will be big or lavish or complicated.

  111. Kiesha
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    It also pisses me off that Liz and Anthony were able to find their rings at the first store they went to and I’ve been to NINE jewelery stores looking for plain white gold flat bands that will match my engagement ring.

    Apparently my engagement ring is some horrible mutations experiment gone wrong.

  112. Shermy Glamrocker
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Friday’s FC: “Because we upholstered it with the skin of the previous children. I suppose it’s time to start on the ottoman.”

  113. Shermy Glamrocker
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s MW: I believe the sun icon next to Dr. Jeff’s head is not there in reality. Apparently during the “break,” the good doctor dropped a couple of hits of the brown acid.

    And now it’s whispering in his ear, “Kill them. Kill them all.”

  114. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol
    June 14th, 2008 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    FOOB: 111 / Kiesha: Actually it took them much longer than you think. They had to spend at least 39 dollars in Canadian money in more than ten gum ball machines with the little plastic eggs in them before they found the appropriate rings. These things take time, even in Canada.

  115. maughta
    June 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Spider-dweeb: I can think of 10 ways he can get out of his “predicament” without breaking a sweat. Of course, none of those ways involve watching TV so…

  116. Wolf Shepherd
    June 14th, 2008 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    MT – I misread Kelly’s comment in the first panel and this is what came to mind.

  117. Braniff
    June 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    FC–Then Jeffy said “Mommy, I have NOT been watching I Dream Of Jeanny reruns again with Daddy again!”

  118. jestre
    June 14th, 2008 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    how can tracy even tell that the lights are out? he never opens his eyes.

  119. fart party
    June 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    uuuugh. I’m a little late on this, but that’s only because I’ve been wicked sick after reading Momma and then pulling a Marmaduke, which is barfing, then eating it and then your brain turns inside out.

  120. Pinokeyo's Wife
    June 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    MW: Looks to me like the sun on the wall isn’t buying a word of it.

  121. stumpy
    June 15th, 2008 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – aw shit, it crept back when I was not looking, But I can guess who will die at the wedding – poor nearly-dead Jim. The poor bastard has been dragged from death’s door a couple of times, only to be revived and tortured (that is why I have a DNR in my living will, so I never have to deal with FOOB-ville). His only hope for a final RIP will be to expire during the drunken toast at the reception and when no one is looking at him (but he better be quiet about it or they will drag him back to life – again)

  122. Audient
    June 16th, 2008 at 6:22 am [Reply]

    How does Jeffy even know what a belly button is, when he was obviously hatched?

    Poor Jeffy — the cushion has so many belly buttons, and he has none.

  123. Big Bob
    June 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    On June 6th we were advised that Ron had been “appointed” to “our City’s Town Council”. Putting aside why a “city” has a “town” council, on June 13th, the city (or town?) gossip columnist reports on the eating habits of the “newly elected town councilman”. In the interests of protecting democracy, I rise to object: Ron is appointed, not elected. He does not represent the will of the good people of the city or town. I think it’s time we asked an obvious question: are Mary Worth’s creators actually former senior editors at Pravda, seeking to infect the young minds of the many impressionable teens who read Mary Worth with the idea that being “appointed” is the same as being “elected”? It’s not, Comrade Mary, and damn you to hell for pretending it is!!

  124. Sorako-chan
    July 1st, 2008 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    Francis has eyes beneath his nose.
    Nothing more need be said.

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