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Many intensely erotic afternoons begin with the word “sure”

Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]

240 responses to “Many intensely erotic afternoons begin with the word “sure””

  1. Ratiocinator
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    ASM: One of the few possessions Peter Parker has left after having his room burglarized is discarded and forgotten in our hero’s excitement over getting a free plane ride.

    FW: Is that a Canadian flag I see? Goddamn you, Harry Dinkle, if you defile my home soil by having sex on it I WILL CUT YOU.

    JP: So why has winning a thousand dollars made Katherine so thoroughly and frighteningly happy when she had a much more reserved reaction to a much greater sum of money earlier this year? My theory is that Katherine’s mind could only process having so much wealth, and that last thousand has snapped the few remaining threads of her sanity.

    9CL: The answers to those two questions are “Yes” and “No, but it’s inexplicably getting you aroused anyway because you are a character in a Brooke McEldowney strip where the laws of reality and probability are meaningless.”

    Luann: Oh look, Luann’s in crazy paranoid jealous mode again. She’s just so likeable!

  2. Gasoline Alley Oop
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Knight Life: Lady, I hope your “significant other” looks better in a bathing suit than the guy you’re leering at:

    http://www.gocomics.com/theknightlife/2013/07/20

  3. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    FW/9CL: more un-sexy sex talk

    JP: the gambling addiction storyline is up and running – no, make that wriggling

    Rex, MD: we know Milton’s health is at it’s best when he’s berating the help for shoddy service, so Rex’s leisurely waffle breakfast may well cure the old boy

    Heathcliff: well, who can blame him? Those garbage cans are filled with *mud*

    Retail: does Josh think doing an Iago routine on Cooper is going to get Cooper mad enough to quit the job after he finally got the promotion?

  4. Gasoline Alley Oop
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#y75): Marvin: A person who’s NOT Marvin takes a dump in the latest action-packed episode of “Game of Thrones.” And when Marvin’s mother decides to play, she plays for craps keeps.

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… PLOP!!!!

  5. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    someday Ted Forth will become the Mary Worth of his retirement community

  6. threetomaketwo
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbone: I suppose the boss is right, it should be a cause of celebration that someone in the Funkyverse is happy, but , why oh why does it have to be at our expense?

  7. Old Folkie
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke loves drawing gross ugly faces on beautiful women – amply illustrating his own arousal/fear reaction to the feminine…

    JP: Sometimes money literally falls in the lap of Spencer-Drivers.

    FW: Great snarking on this strip today on Comics Kingdom.

  8. John C Fremont
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#y80): But – but – his father’s name was Hymie.

    FW – Oh, ye gods! And little fishes, too, but mostly, ye gods!

  9. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: Lu Ann, I think Cole’s face lit up two hours and two Mai Tais ago.

  10. billman
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#1):

    Re: Luann: Our protagonist ladies and gentlemen.

  11. CanuckDownSouth
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Luann: Using deep jealousy to helpfully demonstrate why the rest of society can’t fathom the subtype of Christians who make movies where the actors don’t kiss* ’cause that’s cheating on your spouse.

    * I heard of one production where they filmed a kiss by substituting the actor’s wife for the actress. It sounded as if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘acting’

  12. Voltaire
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Hey, Mary Worth. A little credit here.

  13. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    I’m always kind of amazed Comics Kingdom still allows comments on “FW” – Batiuk must not read them

  14. Droopy Says
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    FW: Batiuk, hidebound literalist that he is, insists on telling his fucking jokes.

    Spiderbland: As part of Peter Parker’s efforts to keep his identity secret, his ring tone is the theme song from the Spiderman cartoon show.

  15. Buck Ripsnort
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Maybe he’s “married to life”, enjoying the world and its gifts; and judging by the look on his face, it’s killing him!

  16. Roto13
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    One or both of those old Funky Winkerbean characters (whose names I can’t be assed to learn) are going to go into cardiac arrest about five minutes after old man pushes his rope all up in old woman, and that’s why they won’t stop being disgusting and foreshadowing it. Joy leading to death is a constant Winkerverse rule. Like Winkerphysics.

  17. Shran
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    FW: Dinkle’s Viagra won’t give him “boner cancer.” Testicular cancer is much more likely – followed by weeks upon weeks worth of anguish leading up to the inevitable castration.

  18. Liam
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    A3G-”No, this is just some phone that I found at the San Francisco Airport. Can you believe somebody just left it lying around?”

    JP-Of course you won the jackpot. Money just comes easily to you people.

    MW-And what book did you pick that up in, Mary?

    MW 2-”Listen this’ll go much easier if you stop fighting me and accept my meddling.”

    FC-And the next door neighbor is up there too.

  19. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    JP – Well of course Katherine is excited. One jerk on the handle, and $1,000 drops into her lap. When she is with the Judge, she has to tug a lot more than that for her allowance.

  20. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    @Shran (#17): FW the inevitable castration

    That happened a long time ago, likely during one of the time jumps that turned these characters into the lovingly depicted decrepit old wrecks we see today. After all, this is Funkytown!

  21. Rusty
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    @Shran (#17): Batiuk had ball cancer, which made him decide to kill St. Lisa. Yeah, somebody is going to die as a result of this anniversary arc.

    SM: Spidey’s phone is so cheap nobody bothered to pick it up and walk away.

  22. John
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    The scary part for me is wondering if the current FW arc is based on Tom throwing a RL anniversary party for his spouse at Luigi’s a while back. Wondering if it’s how he feels her reaction -should- have been.

    “Your big surprise was a party at the crummy dump you force us to eat out at five times a week? You only invited six or seven people, all of them acquaintances instead of actual close friends? While our daughter is filming, you loudly proclaim that you expect sexual favors from me for this minimal effort? Well, gracious, how can I resist?!?”

  23. pugfuggly
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    GT The blond girl looks a little pensive about that arm joke. “Was it me? I was sure the guy who’s arm I hacked off was chinese, but I did have a few drinks that night…”

    JP Hey, if everything on the ship is gratis anyhow, why not put the rich idiots in a room full of gambling machines that pay off every time?

    FW I thought this horrible exchange was happening in Niagra Falls, Canada, but a closer inspection of the flag reveals that we’re actually next door, in ‘Evil Canada’, home of the Black Maple. Be careful, Dinkles, I hear those guys don’t apologize when they bump into you and use only grade ‘B’ maple syrup on their pancakes…

    ASM Anyone care to guess what song Peter has as his ringtone? I’m going with the Big Mac ingredients song

    Shoe Just saying the words ‘to life’ makes hawaiian birdman 30% fatter. Now that’s depressing…

  24. PDA
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    “Why isn’t Peter answering his phone? I have the phone-thingy out, and I’m waving my fingers over it the way I see people do on the teevee… hmm, let me see what happens if I just dip my whole hand into it, like Madge did in that old Palmolive commercial. Nothing! Oh, Peter!”

  25. Abel Undercity
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    ASM: “Hello, Sinister Six? Yes, the 6 PM flight from SF to Costa Verde. Make sure you finish him off. A hero this stupid doesn’t deserve to live.”

  26. Anonymous
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @threetomaketwo (#6):
    In the Funkyverse- someone must always suffer. It’s a conservation of energy thing. If the characters are happy, then we the readers must suffer.

  27. bbofun
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    JP- Of course, that’s a $10 machine, and she was playing 10 lines on it, so it actually cost $100 a spin, and she’s been sitting there playing for several minutes, so she probably dropped about $1500 on it before she “won.” (I lie, like Josh, in Maryland, and have been to the new casino in Arundel Mills enough to start getting an understanding of these things. *sigh*)

    ASM- Now some TSA guy’s gonna hear to phone, pick it up, find out it belongs to Peter Parker, and that he picked up his tickets but never showed up for his flight, and…
    Who am I kidding? That we be a far more interesting plot than anything Spidey would ever be part of.

    RMMD-”It’s probably just your awful cooking!”

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#13): Unlike McEldowney, Batiuk probably doesn’t feel the need to look at his own strip on-line- after all, he wrote and drew it, why look at it? McE, on the other hand, was annoyed that, instead of praise for his talents, people would actually CRITICIZE his work, pointing out inconsistencies and oddities. He felt it degraded his work for others to be allowed to publicly comment on it.

    It’s one of the few things that makes Batiuk a better person than McEldowney. Not a better cartoonist, mind you- just a better person.

  28. Gasoline Alley Oop
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    @Shran (#17): Harry and Harriet’s brand of cosplay — Donkey in a Hole — has already given the former prostate cancer. And it’s only a matter of time before Harriet comes down with anal cancer.

  29. Everything Is Better with Monkeys
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    The past few days of Mary Jane using a phone have been more action-packed than anything Spidey has done for years. Let’s see if she can knock herself unconscious during a quick game of Angry Birds.

  30. Gasoline Alley Oop
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#11): I heard of one production where they filmed a kiss by substituting the actor’s wife for the actress. It sounded as if they didn’t understand the concept of ‘acting’

    At least it makes the sex scenes more convincing.

  31. Jack Scat
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Spider-man flying on a plane to Costa Verde after getting an assist from Obama didn’t make the news? Of course it is Maryjane’s phone call tipped them off.

  32. Amazing Labyrinth
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    @threetomaketwo (#6): Just spreading a bit of the Funkyverse misery to you, dear reader. You’re welcome. – T. Batiuk

  33. Chrissy the Stooges Woman :-)
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    The real question is why San Francisco International Airport is COMPLETELY deserted! Maybe the TSA saw Spidey’s phone, sitting there all by itself unattended, and assumed it was a bomb. The airport’s been evacuated and in tomorrow’s strip we’ll see masked agents carry it outside and blow it up! Now that’s entertainment!

  34. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    PBS: *snurk* (hit Pastis with the bat again, Rat.)

    SBp: /fail.

    Bizarro: points for concept, at least.

    Mutts: oooo, classic team!

    Pluggers: that first kid is doing a Marvin in his shorts.

    RwO: cute and clever. *golf clap*

    6Cx: heh. “all of the good ones are either married, gay, or a werewolf.”

  35. Illustrator Steve
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    MT – NOW I get it … Jason Smith is wearing those black fur covered ear muffs to help muffle out the shreeking sounds of Rusty’s incessant blabbering.

  36. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .

    *whistles*

  37. gleeb
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Sally: I need to start answering my phone like this. Seriously, though, this is the way to inject serious into your gag comic. Take notes, Batiuk.

    Barney Google: Well, yeah. That’s why there are phrases like “poor but honest” or “poor but true.” look into one of them sometime, you lying thief.

    ‘shaft: The game ended because Ed had to kill. Now, Noodly Jeff, feeling tendrils of his future self’s pointless intervention in the Franky-the-Realty-Teevee-Guy saga, feels free to smirk and quip. A temporal paradox may ensue, because Ed’s blood is hot and he can only hang once.

    Dennis: Yeah, but you were never molested, Dennis (note: I wasn’t either. Communal showers are still kind of creepy, though).

    ‘bean: I don’t care that old folks get it on. But since it is a character-based comic strip, I care that these particular, rather hateful old folks get it on. And I don’t like it. But what about Deaf Adder Dinkle’s publisher, Andy Clark? Did his plane land safely? Is he getting laid?

    H&L: GOLF JOKE

    Mary: Mary leads her victim out to a sun-parched grave. “Look in your heart!” “What heart?”

    Phantom: Pvt. Horsethief was shot by his own side at Amiens.

    Rex: No, he’s just British. And a little Rex-ass for you faithful fans.

  38. gleeb
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#23): Grade A is just for baking and cooking. Grade B is where the flavor lives.

  39. revenge4Aldo
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    9CL: Sven seems to either have not noticed or not care that she has turned into an anteater.

  40. Illustrator Steve
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MT – “Oscar, I’m so glad you’re safe that I no longer have any concerns whatsoever about the fate of your mother, Molly who foolishly became trapped a second time only to be kidnapped by a mean old poacher who grabbed her by her neck neck and ran off into the woods with her!”

    (Mister Smith): “That’s why out here they call it survival of the fittest, young man …yes sir, survival of the fittest.”

  41. Marc
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    9CL- I hate these people with every fiber of my being.

    A3G- First of all, that isn’t a phone, Cole is talking into his wallet. Second of all, doesn’t LuAnn know how rude it is to keep yammering on while someone is on the phone? Pretend phone conversation into go wallet or not, show a little etiquette.

    Mary Worth- Albert Camus once said that the best remedy for grief is to wander out into the desert and die of heatstroke.

    Mark Trail- NATURE DOESN’T WORK LIKE THIS!!!!!! TRMT, can you please slap some sense into Jackelrod?

  42. Shran
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#20): Good point. However, that leaves me thinking that the Dinkles are on the fast-track for divorce – probably something along the lines of Harriet being disgusted that Harry needs drugs in order to become physically aroused by her.

  43. Mibbitmaker
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    JP: That’s it, Katherine, you are, indeed, a Parker.

    A3G: Cole has Tony Talarico motion lines.

    MW: Mary…. no words? A dream come true!!!

    GT: It’s rather charming when an amputee, like himself, does jokes about it. A comic strip writer who isn’t an amputee, not so much.

    Shoe: “Amen”, say both Lockhorns.

  44. Shran
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#14): Nah, Peter’s ringtone is probably this….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1fiJMQV8Mc

    He’s still hoping his newly rebooted film career will be merged into the shared continuity. Keep dreamin’ there Petey-Pie!

  45. Mibbitmaker
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Luann: Looks like someone’s inner beauty is a jealous grump!

    9CL: In Brooke’s world, soul kissing has no soul.

  46. damanoid
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    An elderly married couple, visibly content and happy with their lot, lovingly contemplate an evening of vigorous sexual fulfillment. Knowing Batiuk, I think it’s a safe bet that their story arc will have a death at the climax, literally.

    “That’s my biggest jackpot ever! All the others this evening have been in the mildly disappointing $200 to $500 range. Maybe my luck is turning, I wonder what would happen if I try that really BIG slot machine in the middle of the casino!”

    Without his phone or any form of identification, Spider-Man stumbles off the plane into revolutionary South America. Mary Jane never hears from Peter again.

  47. Steve
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Shoe: You can reverse the meaning of the punchline by interpreting it as the toast from Fiddler on the Roof. Now he’s celebrating his marriage!

  48. remmy
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    9CL: Oral fixation much – Brooke?

    ASM: Why is the writing in this strip some damn piss poor?

  49. S. Stout
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    When Luann kisses someone it gets its own special panel, literally framed in an oval. When Tiffany kisses someone, we have to look at the DeGroots and their disgust.

  50. Liam
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#23):

    Peter has the Spiderman theme as his ringtone.

  51. debussy fields
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    MT– The bald guy–apparently the grandson of the mayor of Munchkinland–has hair on the sides of his head so thick that it completely covers his ears.

  52. TheDiva
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#11): If memory serves, that was Kirk Cameron in Fireproof who did that. Which helps explain why he’s not getting work even in strident religious movies these days.

    FW: I don’t know if “happiness” is the way I’d describe Mrs. Dinkle’s resigned proposition. “So, um, I guess this means you want sex now, huh? Fine, I guess I can spare a couple of minutes….”

    JP: Reels instead of a video screen, and a single payline? Where is she playing that slot, in an antique store?

    SM: Despite it being left on the ticket counter of an international airport nobody bothers to pick up Peter’s phone, either to attempt to get it back to its proper owner or to steal it. How pathetic do you have to be when you can’t even lose your phone properly? (Also, when’s the last time an airport was this deserted, even in the middle of the night?)

  53. Écureuil Écumant
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Gasoline Alley Oop (#4): I presume you’re speaking of the horse apple.

  54. Mikey
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    ASM- The only thing that makes this strip better is imagining Spidey’s ring tone is “Banditos” by The Refreshments.

  55. Lorne
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Urban Dictionary Visual Definition
    “Butter Face”: See Judge Parker, July 20, 2013, Panels 1 & 3.
    ie: “Wow, that’s one of Judge Parker’s usual improbably sexy dames all right… BUTTER FACE!”

  56. hogenmogen
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    FW: Dinkle’s gonna die at the moment of climax. Or just have a heart attack, resulting in a speech disorder. Because what’s not hilarious about a crippled old man, amirite? Ha!

  57. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#5): someday Ted Forth will become the Mary Worth of his retirement community

    I for one look forward to the day when made-up quotes from Albert Camus are replaced by real ones from The Last Starfighter. But will Ted learn how to grill salmon squares?

  58. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    JP: Her nipples explode with delight!
    But seriously, that’s a ridiculous amount of breast-bouncing for a non-porno comic.

  59. gleeb
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#11): Despite Romans 16:16

  60. TheDiva
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    9CL: Is there a difference in this strip? (Also, I don’t want to know what Fleurrie has planned for the chickens, pig, and woman of ill repute.)

    Luann: Today’s strip features an under-appreciated young woman coping with adversity as best she can, and also Luann and her family being very rude during a play.

    MT: “Mollie can rot in a trap for all I care!”

    MW: “For some things…there are no words.” Which is why June looks like she’s about to punch Mary in the mouth.

  61. pugfuggly
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#38):

    Grade A is just for baking and cooking. Grade B is where the flavor lives.

    ‘Flavor’? Is that like ‘flavour’?

    @Liam (#50):

    Peter has the Spiderman theme as his ringtone.

    Or maybe just a loop of him saying ‘MY NAME IS PETER PARKER AND I’M SPIDERMAN!” over and over…

  62. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    S-M — Spiders are more competent than this. I resent The Dimbulb Webslinger making them look bad.

  63. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    FW: Is Harry Dinkle only partly deaf, or is he stone deaf?

  64. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#41): My fibers agree with your fibers.

  65. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    FW – Oh God, they’re really going to do it! In Ottawa!
    Please wait til you cross the border back into the States, you two. I don’t want my memories of the Nation’s Capitol tarnished in any way.

    Dead tree SM is really something. I don’t have any more superlatives for his total lack of ability to do anything but have super-hero buttsex.

  66. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    9CL — So on top of other major idiocies, Brooke County has no animal control department? And is not subject to the state regs that cover jails?

  67. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#65): If I had a float, those first two lines would ride.

  68. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#58):
    *Sigh* – what did I say about the big slot payout?
    I hope this reveals Katherine’s severe gambling problem.

    (Anyone remember Celeste? “I’ll deny you, Missy!”)
    *hic*

  69. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    S-M — Being old-fashioned, I hope Spidey’s ringtone is the Itsy-Bitsy song.

  70. CanuckDownSouth
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#59): and the bit about lusting in the heart – seriously, if you can’t act, don’t make that your job. Some version of that advice applies to several cartoonists as well :^)

  71. Illustrator Steve
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    FW – “And remember when we met I was always telling you that you may be the one for me? Now I’m always telling you that you may need to call 911 for me!”

  72. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#52):
    I don’t know if they have slots there (probably no gambling allowed), in the Midwest there is a museum called Marvin’s Marvelous Machines. Check it out on the Intergoogle. I’d love to visit there sometime.

  73. Mincemeat
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    MW: It looks like a couple of seagulls have followed Mary all the way to Tucson. This suggests to me that Mary has an odor that is irresistible to seagulls; perhaps she smells like rotting fish, or a hot dog cart. Try covering THAT up with Jean Naté.

  74. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    JP — How did she get into that red thing? I see no zipper nor fastenings of any sort. Perhaps when you’re rich enough in JP, you can have a sexy-dress-exudation device installed in your navel.

  75. Mikey
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#65): Maybe in The Chateau Laurier while viewing the Parliament building? Nahh.. probably in that cheap Sheraton off the freeway.

  76. Jon I Am
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#52):

    That’s what I was thinking. Harry’s answer to his wife’s suggestion about going back to the room is about as cavalier as you can get: “Sure”, like she just asked him if he likes mustard on his hamburger or whether summer is his favorite season.

    Also: didn’t need to know Harry’s Dinkle needing the pill….

  77. SeeSpotFlail
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    FW- This being the Funkyverse and all, am I the only one here that foresees a fatal 6 hour erection?

  78. Gasoline Alley Oop
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Viagara at Niagara proves the third time ISN’T the charm for some people. However, it does inspire Andy Clark to commission a new book from Harry Dinkle: “Apoplexy and Me: My Paralyzing Stroke in Three Sex Acts (As Dictated to My Wife Harriet Dinkle).”

  79. Digger
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    JP: Alan will no doubt want to put the $1,000 towards paying for the hit on that book-reviewer bitch.

  80. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    If that Judge Parker strip had it characters substituted with Spiderman in front of the slots and MJ behind him, it would have been Spidey’s displaying what they’ll eat for dinner: three twinkies.

    The jubilant reaction of Spidey, however, would be about the same as Katherine’s.

  81. SeeSpotFlail
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    GT- Hah! the girl on the right in the overalls is averting his gaze. Guilty as hell. She really did steal his arm. Or at very least is casing the scene to steal his remaining one.

  82. One Who Knows
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Gasoline Alley Oop (#78): Actually, it’s spelled V-I-A-G-R-A. And no, it’s not “natures” spelled backwards.

  83. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#75):
    Ha, probably.
    I so love the Parliament building – the marble stairs are actually indented from centuries of the pieds of harried politicians running to and fro.

    What’s also nice is that in one foyer, there are stone carvings above several doors with various animals – it is a “Thank you” memorial to all the animals of Canada over the years, especially the wild ones. Really beautiful and seeing them brought tears to my eyes.
    It would be cool if Mark Trail had a shout-out for this, even though it isn’t the US.

  84. Peanut Gallery
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#Y64):

    Google around for photoshopped versions of those charts. It’s… rewarding.

    Okay, I did. This one and this one are nice. And this last one is for our pal Raghead the Fiendly Neighborhood Terrorist.

  85. Mikey
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#83): Ottawa is such a wonderful city. It was my first OUS travel destination back in 1995 and I so want to go back there. It was my first experience with a truly culturally diverse city and really opened my eyes to how cool that is. I stayed at the Chateau for about $150 USD. The greenbelt is so cool but I couldn’t believe they skate all the way down the river in winter. What a great way to go to work! And while it is a very diverse city I saw no moose, deer or otters when I was there. I think TRMT should do an Ottawa (Otterwa?) story too when Jack let’s him. We’ll have him leave out the part about the Dingles doing it there though.. uuugghh.

  86. comcis fan
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    FW: “Hello, this is Harry Dinkle and I have an erection that’s lasted for more than four hours.”

    “He ha. I get it kid. Hairy Dinkle, very funny. Now don’t call again, this is a busy medical practice.”

  87. Mikey
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#85): Oh its Dinkle. Sorry , but I like Dingle better. Fits this POS better.

  88. Ratiocinator
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#41):

    9CL- I hate these people with every fiber of my being.

    I was going to say that what you have just written is the “Christ, what an asshole” of 9CL, but then I found that I had already said that about Lumaca Morente’s “*BLEARGHHHH!*” a little over a month ago.

    How about combining the two? “*BLEARGHHHH!* I hate these people with every fiber of my being!”

    (That almost ended up saying “combing the two”, which may make for an interesting visual. Or perhaps not.)

    @Mibbitmaker (#43):

    JP: That’s it, Katherine, you are, indeed, a Parker.

    I beg to differ; a true Parker wouldn’t treat the sudden acquisition of money as something to be celebrated, but rather something to be expected.

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#58): You say that like it’s a bad thing.

    @Calico (#68): For those who don’t remember Celeste, here ya go.

  89. Little Blue Bicycle
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    FW: Mrs. Dinkle is going to die in bed in the Monday strip. It’s the Batiuk way.

  90. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    R.I.P. Helen Thomas.

  91. Mikey
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#56): His last clear words are gonna be “Boxcar Baby!”

  92. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#85):
    We were there for Canada Day 2003 – saw the soldiers march in the AM (all traffic stops – it’s really neat), an inspection by the then GG Michaele Jean, and a flyover after a male opera singer sang The CA National Anthem that made many a man cry. Very cool place but I noticed food and beer was a bit pricey.

  93. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#89): They’ll both die in bed, come Monday. This is the Funkyverse, where heart attacks are contagious.

  94. commodorejohn
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Look at that pirate. He can’t believe this shit either.

  95. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    LUANN — I hope tomorrow’s strip will show the people seated behind this family rising up and strangling them.

  96. BigTed
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    I don’t know how Mary Jane manages to look like she’s performing onstage in the movie “Flashdance” when she’s just sending a text, but to me that’s also a super-power — maybe the best one ever.

  97. Ratiocinator
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#90): Oh, I didn’t know about that until I saw your comment.

    It’s a downer whenever somebody you think positively of passes away. Every time it happens it reminds me that you can’t take anybody’s presence in this world for granted. Tomorrow they may not be there.

    She lived a good long time, for what that’s worth, and I think she was good at her job. I’d say more, but I’m not sure if I’m pushing the limits of the no-politics rule already, so I’ll leave it at that.

  98. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    JP — I haven’t seen an expression like Katherine’s since I watched a production of HANSEL AND GRETEL a few years ago and saw the Witch reacting to the discovery of a two-course meal nibbling on her cottage.

  99. Red Ruffensor
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    MW: I hadn’t checked on Mary for a week, so when I saw today’s strip out of context I thought “Hot damn! Mary’s meddling has gotten her lost in the desert!” Alas, it turns out she’s just strolling around Rancho Relaxo with her latest victim.

  100. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    For those who came in late: at the Eisner Awards at Comic-Con, Lee Falk was one of this year’s 5 inductees into the Hall of Fame.

  101. John C Fremont
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Red Ruffensor (#99): Rancho Relaxo. Is that the one with Jeff Bridges and Sam Waterston? If so, this could get interesting.

  102. SeeSpotFlail
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Winkerhaiku:

    The Falls make them Hot
    Dingle Gets his dangle on
    Funeral next week

  103. Amos Snarkadder
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    MW A forced march at noon in the Arizona desert. Yep, Mary really knows how to break down the will of her victim clients!

    @Mincemeat (#73):

    MW: It looks like a couple of seagulls have followed Mary all the way to Tucson. This suggests to me that Mary has an odor that is irresistible to seagulls; perhaps she smells like rotting fish, or a hot dog cart.

    Or perhaps the buzzards are circling, waiting on them both to succumb to the heat.

  104. YoungMrGrace
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Whenever my two year old is angry about something (say, oatmeal that doesn’t meet her specifications), she snatches up her stuffed panda bear, holds him at arms length, and announces, “I’M MAD! I’M MAD ‘BOUT THIS OATMEAL, PANDABEAR!”.

    Today, for the first time, I followed her example. My apartment still rings with the cry of, “I’M MAD! I’M MAD BOUT THIS OLD PEOPLE FUCKING FUNKY WINKERBEAN STORYLINE, PANDABEAR!”, followed by hysterical retching/weeping.

  105. ChristytheWriter
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    I canNOT believe I just laughed out loud at “boner cancer.” Thank you, Josh, for turning me into a 12-year-old boy.

  106. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Mincemeat (#73):
    Ew, does she have the “meat sweats” like Joey Chestnut did after his 4th of July win?
    Blech.

  107. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#101):
    Hahahaha! That’s what Les Claypool calls his home. : D
    I hope Mary has tried the refreshing Pork Soda with her healthful meal of dried bugs, cactus salad, and yogurt.

  108. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#97):
    She was a good one. Always Helen, always there.
    I didn’t appreciate her near end of life comments right before she retired, but that may have been a bit of brain fail in the later years.

  109. dranoel48
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

  110. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#88):
    Thanks for the Celeste panels.
    *Kanye*

  111. Chip Whittle
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y52):

    @Chip Whittle (#yy222): subscriptions are available at the basic, advanced and Premium levels.

    Want. Want want. Want want want.

  112. yaoi huntress earth
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    9CWL: Sven you not Bull Shannon of Night Court, drop the dim-witted gentle giant act.

  113. Bill Peschel
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    No snark, but Sally Forth provides an excellent lesson in writing a tense scene, in which two characters argue and both can be right and wrong. At 63, Ralph has every right to be nervous. As a first-time mother and full-time fuck-up, Jackie is equally worried. Emotions drive both of them into making unwise choices (Jackie by accusing Ralph of “checking out,” Ralph by thinking that calling Ted is a good idea).

    To succeed, both of them need to cut each other some slack and work together to get through this. But can they? And if they’re going to repeat this pattern of arguing throughout their marriage, will it survive?

    It’s not easy to write a scene like this. You have to see the argument from each character’s viewpoint and write with empathy. And to do it by breaking the scene down into 4-panel bites and throwing in a “Princess Bride” reference makes it all the more challenging.

    (Excerpt from my Masters thesis: “From Diapers to Depends: A Literary Study of ‘Sally Forth’ and its Implications in Post-21st Century America.”)

  114. Peanut Gallery
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Zippy – Non-ironically, that’s some good dialogue.

  115. Sequitur
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    SF: I’ve got to answer the phone like that.

  116. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

  117. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @SeeSpotFlail (#77):

    Oh I see see it lasting much longer than six hours and for there to be a Crankshaft (whrrrrrrrrrr!) crossover wherein Crankshaft (woot woot woot!) will encounter the prolonged erection and ask if he can get in on the fun.

    That’s when this Dinkle guy after delighting his dame with the gravity defying dingle dangle, devastates Crankshaft’s world (pee-tooweet!) by dispensing doses dat do damage to Crankshaft (Ta DAA!) and his number one member of his fan club.

    So, Dinkle gives Crankshaft some pills. Dinkle passes on from blood loss to the head. Crankshaft gets so wound up, he steals a bus and takes it to the nearest Ohio-based brothel. Tries his hand at blowing his retirement fund (mostly by getting blown). He will die at the feet of a large exotic dancer by the name of Shirley Pleasestuff Macoochie.

    Crankshaft looooved feet.

  118. Jamoche
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Who thought it was a good idea to let Jack Chick be the guest artist on the last panel of Judge Parker? Now I’m expecting the rest of the story to be the Evils of Gambling, a Bad End, and a Call To Redemption.

    … nah, that would be too much action for Judge Parker.

  119. Bill
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    GILL THORP finds amputee’s who lost a limb related to, BUT NOT IN, military service politically correct. Besides if it makes children laugh can it be any more innocent? “It’s for the chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllllllllllldren.”

  120. Amos Snarkadder
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

  121. Stev0
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#80):

    No, a strip of Newspaper Spider-Man playing the slots would go like this:

    Panel one – Peter Parker, looking at a losing combo: “Damn!”
    Panel two – Peter Parker, looking at another losing combo: “Damn!”
    Panel three – Peter Parker, looking at another losing combo: “Damn!”

  122. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    Luann: It must be terribly disconcerting for the actors in the play, to look out into the audience and see the whole pig-snout family lined up in the front row.

  123. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Um, wait. Why is Sven in the jail cell now? Shouldn’t they still be talking through the bars? I sense McE flipping the bird to logic and continuity again here… must be that he was distracted by the thought of tongue again.

  124. Bill
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13 The mere hint of “Funky Winkerbean” turns the oak leaf an inky black on the Canadian flag, in the second panel!

  125. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

  126. Ratiocinator
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#108): Yeah, that was unfortunate. I think it wasn’t so much what she said as how she said it. If you’re gonna talk about the situation in the Middle East, it’s best to choose your words carefully. Like if she’d said “The conditions in the Gaza strip are horrible,” and explained why that was, I think people would have been willing to listen. But instead she said “everybody on this side is wrong and needs to get the hell out of there”, to partially paraphrase it, and saying something like that just makes people stop listening or write you off as crazy or senile or a racist or whatever.

    And I was happy to track down that JP strip. LOL’d again after rereading it, and Josh’s comments on it.

    @Jamoche (#118): Damn, I knew the face looked scary, but you’re right; it does look like something out of a Chick Tract. (The ones that aren’t all cartoony, anyway. E.g., the D&D one.)

  127. UncleJeff
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#125): After that Boston series, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Toronto team wearing a black Maple Leaf next season.

  128. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#127): heh. true dat!

  129. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    FW: On the bright side, when Harry does undergo his death throes from Fatal Fornication, it will give Harriet a reason to call up Rex Morgan and tell him about the vomiting.

  130. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    JP: Also somebody take a picture, because it’s been ten years or so since Alan saw Katherine’s O face.

    FW: Hey, does Viagra still carry a risk of fatal heart attack? I’m just daydreaming here.

  131. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    MT: You know your dialogue is stilted when the mutant kid who lives with Mark Trail looks at you askance for it.

    MW: A few minutes of listening to Mary in front of a green screen desert projection would bring most of us to tears.

    9CL: Maybe Fleurrie is being childish. She could be trying to turn him on. It could be some horrifying mixture of the two. One thing she’s obviously not doing is trying to understand what he just said, but you knew that.

    Baldo: Baldo’s graphic novel is called “Comic!” and I’m guessing he bought it from the comics and collectibles store near Herb and Jamaal’s restaurant.

  132. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Rex delivers his diagnosis without getting bogged down in the whole “examining the patient” process, which has never really done him much good anyway.

    BB: I admit to being a lifelong civilian, but I’m pretty sure that in the army getting up and doing something isn’t a matter for polite suggestion.

    H&L: “We’re… not going to have that kind of relationship, Thirsty. Sorry.”

  133. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    DT: “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go catch a plane for San Diego. Wil Wheaton’s always doing his thing at Comic Con.”

    S4th: If Ted’s standard phone greeting ends with “prepare to die,” I bet that cuts down on unwanted calls.

    A3G: “Careful, though. Your burst of joy just knocked one of the squiggle paintings off the wall.”

  134. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#3): Yeah, given Peter Gallagher’s attention to (bizarre) detail in other areas, it’s strange he’s never taken a look inside a garbage can to see what folks actually throw out.

  135. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#23):

    GT The blond girl looks a little pensive about that arm joke. “Was it me? I was sure the guy who’s arm I hacked off was chinese, but I did have a few drinks that night…”

    Early COTW nom.

  136. A-wel Cruiz
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Healthcliff: For shame, Heathcliff. What would Garbage Ape say?

    Drabble: Those are two completely different fairy tales. “Snow White has finally woken up”, while a bit esoteric, would’ve been acceptable.

    Beetle Bailey: Gotta side with Beetle on this one. If there’s only an hour til bedtime, you might as well stay there.

    Funky Winkerbean: Okay Batty, we get it! The old people are gonna bone! Can we please talk about something, ANYTHING, else?

    Hagar the Horrible: It’s your house, Hagar. If the old bat doesn’t like it, tell her to get the fuck out!

    Lockhorns: I have a feeling Leroy will be using that ice cream on his eye in a minute.

    Love Is…: Crippling poverty.

    Pearls Before Swine: Pig is turning into one of those crocodiles.

    Better Half: Stanley has no desire to consume part of an automobile.

    Slylock Fox: That cat is just biding his time, waiting for the family to finish washing the car, before dropping a deuce on the roof.

  137. Joe Blevins
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    GT: “Steve Boone” looks suspiciously like Gil in a terrible blond wig. Is it possible he occasionally likes to put that wig on, tuck one arm into his shirt, and then either frighten children or teach them to be more tolerant, depending on his mood?

    JP: I can’t stop staring at that miserable-looking, completely depressed pirate in panel 2. He clearly hates this casino job and longs to be sailing the seven seas once again, but instead, he’s stuck here catering to silly women and uttering the words “ahoy, mateys!” with (literally) every other sentence.

    FUNKY: “So… do you want to head back to the room and…?” “Finally carry out that murder-suicide pact we’ve been talking about for years? Sure!”

    SPIDEY: Was Mary Jane in the middle of posing for a 1950s jazz album cover? That’s the only reason I can think of for wearing a slinky cocktail dress while sitting in an armless (but fancy-looking) chair in an otherwise empty room with a stark white background.

    SHOE: I think I now “understand” Shoe. Birds have been studying humans and taking note of our behavior patterns for decades, and THIS is their critique of our society. “Hey! Look at me! I use alcohol to numb my emotional pain!” “How about me? I’m willfully ingesting a known carcinogen and endangering the life of someone I consider a friend by exhaling carbon monoxide just inches from his face!” We suck, and the birds want to us know we suck. Instead of just attacking us violently as in the Alfred Hitchcock film, they’ve decided to go the slow-torture route and mock us in a newspaper comic strip which runs for decades.

  138. Alison
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    “Spider-Man”: I’m sorry, but I LOVE Spider-Man’s ineptitude.

    This is the way superheroes used to be all the time, back in the early days of comics. There was once a Batman story in which Batman mistakes a random boy for Robin and taps him on the head. It’s not Robin, and the boy gives Batman a horrible look; Batman stands there, mortified, and stammering, “Er, I’m sorry!” I really preferred this to today’s “Untouchable mega-hero who makes no mistakes and has no emotion” thing. I appreciate Spidey for never becoming this way (at least not in his strip). You go on with your irresponsible self-phone-losing self, Spider-Man!

    “Luann”: Why is Tiffany wearing her hair in the same Cleopatra bob she always has, if she is playing Martha Washington? I don’t think Martha had hair like that. But I guess it’s okay because I don’t think George Washington has an Australian accent either.

  139. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    I tried to call my girlfriend holding the phone like Mary Jane.

    Fortunately the phone fell on the carpet.

    My girlfriend was not amused.

    Meanwhile, I’d like to invite everyone to a birthday party.

    http://ragheadthefiendlyterrorist.wordpress.com/2013/07/21/raghead-birthday-party/

    (Baka Gaijin might want to stay away though.)

    Some Mudgeons might want to take a good close look at Panel Three.

    Right, it’s 1 am and I’m off to bed, Good morning.

  140. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#138): In a world in which incompetence is a super-power, Spider-Man is the best at what he does.

  141. Dale
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    How are you going to expose the poachers? All you think you know is what Eddie told you.

    You haven’t written anything down, but take time to play in the woods with a little boy you met once. Did you even speak to Cherry?

    Did Mark mention the attempted MURDER to Cherry?
    Poaching’s bad, m’kay?

  142. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#140): I am reminded of Mean, in the classic Kitty’s Fairy Tale in X-Men.

    “I’m the best at what I do! And what I do best is guzzle b— commit mayhem!”

  143. yaoi huntress earth
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#131): I can let Sergio off for being behind the times since he’s not hostile like Greg Wilkins and probably could learn to understand things.

  144. Amos Snarkadder
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    FW For all those ‘mudgeons who really, really, really wanted to see what the Dinkles have planned for later…

    Try, but you can’t turn your eyes away…

  145. Ratiocinator
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#138): The best heroes are imperfect, you’ll get no argument from me or from (IMO) any good writer on that.

    The Spidey I remember made mistakes. His career started because of one tragic and costly mistake. He underestimated Doc Ock in their first fight and got beaten because of it. He didn’t think to get the strange black costume that responded to his thoughts and could assume any appearance he wished looked at by Reed Richards until it was almost too late. And of course his personal life was a mess because he was trying to divide that with his life as Spider-Man and, truthfully, usually doing a crappy job of juggling the two.

    But I don’t remember any of his mistakes making me want to facepalm like this. It’s one thing to have your hotel room robbed; that wasn’t something he was able to do anything about, since he wasn’t there at the time, and it’s actually something that I could imagine happening to him in the comics (if it hasn’t already at some point). Forgetting his phone when there wasn’t even anything distracting him, though? I’d say that’s only slightly better than if he forgot to fill his web-shooters.

  146. Peanut Gallery
    July 20th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#23): Canada has an evil twin!? That concept has great possibilities…

  147. Liam
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Sally Forth-”I don’t have time to deal with your Inigo Montoya personality. Let me talk with Ted Forth.”

    Shoe-It’s funny because marriage is a living hell and he wants to die.

    A3G-”Your face lit up more than Margo after her morning bottle of wine.”

    Spiderman-”Has he left his phone in another men’s room again?”

    Baby Blues-It’s funny because Mommy’s hung over.

    Snuffy Smith-Of course there’s no disgrace in being poor that’s all you guys know.

  148. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#146): someone who’s a Hetalia fan needs to chime in here. . .

  149. Dartpaw86
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    The Jackpot is only 1000 dollars? What kind of miserly casino is this? I’m pretty sure the 777 is at least 10,000.

  150. Dartpaw86
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#149): I mean in most casinos.

  151. Amos Snarkadder
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#137):

    FUNKY: “So… do you want to head back to the room and…?”
    “Finally carry out that murder-suicide pact we’ve been talking about for years? Sure!”

    Bwahaha! COTW nomination!

  152. Baka Gaijin
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#3) on Retail: Methinks Cooper will come up with a clever revenge on the assistant manager weenie. He’s good for that.

    @Shran (#17) on Funky Winkerbean: Maybe it’ll be prostate cancer. The removal operation can knick a nerve and leave the patient incontinent. Alive and humiliated, that’s the Funky Winkerbean way.

    @Chrissy the Stooges Woman :-) (#33): Sadly, this is probably closer to the truth than most Americans would like to admit.

    @Liam (#50): What if the phone has Homer’s “Spiderpig” theme? How great would that be?

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#58): “Her nipples explode with delight!” is the tagline for an Asian breast cream.

  153. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    FW — I’m not grossed out by old people doing the deed. I’m eligible for AARP myself. No, I’m grossed out by the Dinkles doing the deed. And anyone else in FW doing the deed. Or doing anything else, for that matter. Though dying is okay, or would be okay if they would only stay underground and quit reappearing to goggle at the living. What kind of stupid dead person, with the whole universe to visit, would want to return to Westview? Yeah, Dead Lisa, I’m looking at you.

  154. Baka Gaijin
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#68): I remember Celeste.

    @Mincemeat (#73): Ew. And I read this right before bedtime. I’m gonna have stinky Mary Worth nightmares. EW. Maybe an EVILSCARYCLOWN will appear in the dream and frighten her away, then get crushed by a giant dodecahedron.

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#131) on Mary Worth: A few minutes listening to Mary Worth anywhere would bring most of us to tears.

    @A-wel Cruiz (#136) on Slylock Fox: Early COTW nominee! Were it a YouTube video, it’d go viral.

  155. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Spider-Man is the last straw. This has left “loveable bungler” and “loser we love to hate” territory and veered straight into “stupid jerk whose utter uselessness makes me want to kill him” territory. Is it too much to hope that Spidey will be stuck in an airport forever upon landing with no passport or visa of any kind?

  156. gnbman
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    “Anguished bird-man sobs,” eh? I imagine they’d sound like a choking goose.

  157. Northern lurker
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    JP: I like how winning at slots makes Katherine spontaneously squeeze her shoulder blades together and jut her boobs forward.

  158. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @Northern lurker (#157): very Marilyn Monroe, isn’t she?

  159. Mr O'Malley
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    PV: I’m just catching up after being out on the road, but I would like to note that the depiction of Tintagel here looks considerably more like the real Tintagel than the last time it was depicted, back at the end of the story about meeting the Neanderthals in the Sargasso Sea. As a matter of fact it looks like the way Tintagel was back in the Middle Ages, because the sea broke through the middle of the promontory a few centuries ago, and now you have to climb a long flight of stairs to get to the place where the castle is.

  160. Rabid Rabbit
    July 20th, 2013 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    It’s pretty clear that one of the oldies in FW is going to die of a heart attack during the joyous occasion, cause that’s what happens when old people have sex, right? However, that mere occurence would clearly not be miserable enough. My prediction, therefore, is that the heart attack will happen mid-coitus, possibly in an awkward position, and that the one not having a heart attack won’t notice, assuming any wild movements are just part of the fun. This should allow for the proper dose of wretchedness, as the survivor comes to terms (in a slew of bad puns, no doubt) with having unwittingly committed necrophilia, and enjoyed it.

  161. Mr O'Malley
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    MT: From what little I know about the behavior of wild otters, I don’t think so.

    MW: If you step through the last week just looking at what’s-her-name’s face, on Monday and Tuesday it looks like her lunch has left her wanting to throw up, on Wednesday through Friday she seems a bit better, and today her unwise walk under the noon Arizona sun has caused a serious case of heat exhaustion. I’m looking forward to the paramedics arriving tomorrow.

    FW: I’m also looking forward to the Dinkles getting caught in a five-hour backup trying to return to the US.

    Luann: Since Quill is in the middle of his school year, at most he is on a two-week break between terms, so it must be about time for him to go home. Then maybe we can go back to the exciting story of TJ’s roach coach.

  162. Shrug, Snarker to Spam
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @louis vuitton outlet (#yy244):

    “What’s up, how’s it going? Just shared this post with a colleague…”

    Apparently Louis Vuitton Outlet is trying to talk Ankara Grage Door into posting here regularly again.

  163. exapno
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#146):

    Happened in a transporter accident 60 years ago – where do you think they got the Evil Shatner for that Trek episode?

  164. Shrug is Too Ashamed to Sign His Name to This One, So He Won't
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#y80):

    “What we really need here is an explanation for Hy Pressure’s first name. I could understand it if he were called High Pressure, or even Hi Pressure, but why is it “Hy” Pressure? Is “Hy” short for “Hyman”?”

    Actually, it’s short for “Hymen.” Which is logical, since as we see in the last couple of DICK TRACY strips he’s having to deal with some very pushy pricks.

  165. exapno
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Retail: Cooper will find out it was Stuart who screwed him out of the full time position, and wrech havoc on HIM (and maybe in the end, Stuart ends up working for….COOPER)

  166. walt d.
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Thirty minutes? What, you’re going to pick up coffee and donuts on the way?

  167. Xanadude
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    With a title like that I thought for sure there’d be a posting about the Rex’s ass and June’s facial expression panel. Now THAT is one I’d like to see re-enacted with human models.

  168. SeeSpotFlail
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#117):

    Holy Carpbait! Small world @talloHo, this Macoochie girl wouldn’t be related to the West Lafayette – Forsythe Macoochies or even the Von Chokeyourbloke Macoochies of Shaker Heights would she? Many added thanks for the mental visual of the Crankshaft/Dingle double team. It’ll only take a pint or so of Listerine poured into my right ear to clean that out of my memory out of my brain. :-)

    Given Crankshaft’s disposition I never pictured him as much of a happy go lucky swinger type. I’d always assumed he got his gratification by strangling the life out of Fresno bound hitchhikers along I-70.

  169. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @SeeSpotFlail (#168):

    I must clear this up.

    I did not mean to infer nor paint a picture of Crankshaft having fun with that Dinkle guy and the two of them having fun with a third party.

    What I intended to state is that Crankshaft got jealous that Dinkl-o was still having a gay ol’ time and instead of getting kind of gay with Dinklage, CranksChap decided to ask for some pills so he, too, could pop it like Beckham.

    Once Dinkdonk the WitchisGone gave Crankenstank some pills, Dink Donk croaked. (due to the lack of blood to his haid, according to Snuffy Smif’s fambly fizzis-shun. (who jus’ happened ta hear dead bodies as droppin’ like flies in “Funky Winkerbean” Town))

    So, CrankitUp would then steal a bus and head to the nearest brothel in Ohio (OhHoEye?) and try to get the Early Bird Buffet! That will be the death of him because this Macoochie lady (not related to anyone you mentioned, that I’m aware of) was too much woman to handle.

    I hope that is clear. a menage a crankystanky ain’t something I considered before you brought it up.

  170. Alison
    July 20th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#145):
    I see your point that Spidey is a bit *too* stupid. Yes, he probably is. If Batman had had cell phones back in the day, I don’t think he’d have been dumb enough to outright leave it in a public place where anybody could pick it up. But, I do think he would have been dumb enough to do something like forget to turn it off. (“Great scott, Robin! My ringing cell phone has alerted the Riddler to our hiding place!” “Holy Verizon Wireless, Batman!” Etc etc etc.)

  171. bats :[
    July 20th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#41): as has been mentioned before, Life is brutal…

  172. SeeSpotFlail
    July 20th, 2013 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#169):

    Aw nah , I wasn’t implying ole Shaft and band director Dinkle were doing the Clyde Barlow Mattress Suite in D Major.. Well at least between the two of them anyways. Good old Harriet is more than enough woman to handle the tag team. I’m sure more corpulent pale flesh, denture grip and white hair has never been seen before. Well outside a Cracker Barrel gift shop anyways.

  173. bats :[
    July 20th, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

  174. Poteet
    July 20th, 2013 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#159): Thank you! Educational CC.

  175. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#57): “It isn’t the number of squadrons that concerns me, it’s this communication turret that sends out the commands to the deck fighters, which enables them to act as one during the fight.” — Albert Camus

  176. Albert Camus
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @Voltaire (#12): MW: Oh, I thought it was me.

  177. Sgt.Stoned
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Rusty is ecstatic that he found Oscar, while Molly is probably dying a slow, painful death in one of the evil poacher’s traps.

    Archie: I am trying to figure out what Archie is wearing on his left foot. Looks to me like mummy bandages.

  178. bats :[
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Pleaseopleaseoplease someone have Rex twerking! (I’m not good with animation…)

  179. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    Someday there’s gonna be a Mexican standoff
    Heathcliff is gonna set it up
    It’ll be the dogs vs animal control vs. garbage men
    With Heathcliff leading ‘em to the spot.

    It might be bloody or it just might not.
    But, who knows the scenario that Heathcliff set up.
    Someday there’s gonna be a Mexican standoff
    With an opening bout between
    Garbage Bear and Barbage!

    No holds bar, winner take all!
    Don’t leave nothing for the poachers
    No way, No how!
    The games will start once H makes the call!

  180. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Barbage? the Garbage Bear?

    I have no idea how I twisted that around. It should have just wrote: Garbage Bear.

  181. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

  182. parcheesi
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    Dean’s Comic Booth could run the Gil Thorp comic unaltered.

  183. Alison
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    @YoungMrGrace (#104):
    That is adorable about your daughter telling her panda she’s mad! If I had a panda I’d tell it I was mad about “Mary Worth”.

    @tallyHO (#181):
    Oh, my, Robin was so cute. Also, yeah, hard to lose a phone like that, but I bet Spider-Man could manage it. He’d probably park the car in an illegal parking spot and then it would get towed, phone and all.

  184. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#11): Believe it or not, In Pakistan a few years ago, a couple who were married in real life were acting as spouses on a sitcom who divorced. The mullah brigade claimed that they had divorced in real life as well, and that the woman would have to marry and sleep with someone else, divorce him, and then only could she remarry the first guy.

    Bloody fundies, they’re the same the world over.

  185. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    @J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective (#155): My question is, where on earth is there space inside his outfit to stash a cellphone? Unless he puts it inside his, um, prehensile rectum.

    Nehemiah Scudder should be able to help.

  186. Sequitur
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

  187. commodorejohn
    July 20th, 2013 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#185): Nehemiah Scudder’s a purveyor of prehensile recta?

  188. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#187): As long as they’re sandwiched between firm, jaunty buttocks. Hey, Rev Scudder, where are you?

  189. Odie Odo
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @louis vuitton outlet (#y98): Shut up, you old bag!

  190. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    GT: “Hey, you lost your arm!”
    “Yeah, and I’m supposed to teach you how to play golf. You lost your tuition!”

  191. Feckless Groggins
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    Spidey: Wow, they really scour every possibility in their campaign to make Petey the most incompetent super-doofus ever, don’t they?

    Say, does anyone remember Apollo? Matt Hansel, who some of us know from his spirited defense of Dick Locher’s later (and sadly inferior) Dick Tracy strips, had a laughably amateurish and shameless Batman-ripoff webcomic that abruptly ceased updating back in 2009. (Apollo’s arch-nemesis was The Clown, a mash-up of The Joker and Two-Face, but Hansel insisted that the strip was “100% all-original.” Sure, and my farts taste like candy canes.)

    Now he’s actually being paid money to swipe from Calvin and Hobbes and everything else he can lay his hands on. Right now, Calvin and Hob–I mean, Marty and Spud are acting out “Dick Tracy” (complete with an imaginary SWAT team being killed/mutilated in a bomb blast, because yay comics are fun!).

    It’s sad.

  192. seismic-2
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#188):

    As long as they’re sandwiched between firm, jaunty buttocks. Hey, Rev Scudder, where are you?

    I suspect he has spent the last couple of days concentrating on other concerns.

  193. Calico
    July 20th, 2013 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    Yew all are providin’ me quite the laffs tonight! Yesiree.

  194. Chip Whittle
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Feckless Groggins (#192):

    Now he’s actually being paid money to swipe from Calvin and Hobbes and everything else he can lay his hands on.

    I feel compelled to point out that Marty and Spud there is on the Comics Sherpa site, where the cartoonist pays a certain amount per year and posts whenever and whatever he likes. So Matt Hansel might be making enough on ancillary revenues to make a profit, but, just appearing on the Sherpa site means he’s paying to appear in a reasonably prominent spot, first and foremost, and since I figure most web comics make several dozen dollars each year he’s probably losing money on the deal.

  195. walt d.
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    JP: Alan might prepare himself to hear the “Honey, does this dress make my butt look big? question. Given his attitude lately, his unguarded response might be “What do you mean, LOOK big?”

  196. Odie Odo
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    According to the latest Ripley’s, miscreants stealing dreadlocks from people’s heads is a problem in South Africa. After combing through leads in the case, police have identified Archie’s REGGAE MANTLE as a “person of interest.”

  197. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Overheard while Spider-Man was talking to his little puppet friend made of webbing:

    -Hey, Webbyhead! Before we left the airport, my spidersense was tingling like an alarm clock set on Tingle mode!

    -Well, there was a TSA agent yelling at you.

    -Yeah. But, this tingling started before that. Usually the tingling starts right about the time when I have grab my left arm. This time, it was not long after I changed into the costume.

    -Do you think Kraven, Clown-9 or Kingpin (all villains whose Nom d’ Crime begin with the Kay sound) were at the airport preparing to ambush you?

    -Unlikely, why would they pursue me? They can’t be that bored.
    No, it feels a lot like I’m forgetting something…I just hope I’m not forgetting everything like my marital status, my job status and where I live? Now where are we going again, Webbyhead?

    -A soccer match in the Andes, Spidey!

    -What? That sounds so cool? Say, are you hungry?

    -Not yet, Spidey. I’ll let you know when I’d like a bite to eat. You’ll know!

    ///Wilhelm Scream!

  198. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

  199. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Gasoline Alley Oop (#4): The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… PLOP!!!!

    Unless you walk under a tree that Condorito is sitting in… iPLOP!

  200. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#197): So it’s a case of “hair today, gone tomorrow”?

  201. Feckless Groggins
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#195):

    Thanks, that actually makes me feel a little better.

  202. Sequitur
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#198):

    If it’s his ass that’s tingling then it’s his cell phone.

    But wait….

    (That’s long enough) He pooped his cell phone!

    Then the tingling must be… must be…

    HE’S GONNA BLOW!

    //I hope the airline latrine is not ocupado

  203. Majicou
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#152): For a while, my ringtone was indeed the choral version of the “Spider-Pig” song. What Hans Zimmer gets up to when he’s bored, apparently, though how he ever has nothing to do I can’t imagine.

  204. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Feckless Groggins (#192): Apollo’s arch-nemesis was The Clown, a mash-up of The Joker and Two-Face, but Hansel insisted that the strip was “100% all-original.” Sure, and my farts taste like candy canes.

    Definitely NSFBG:

    http://www.apollocomicstrip.com/

    BTW Groggins (any relation to “Bathless”?), I’ll take your word on that last part.

  205. commodorejohn
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#195): Now if we could only make other terrible webcomics a financial burden for their authors!

  206. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @ 195. Chip Whittle

    Some of the Sherpa strips are pretty damn good – better than many of the main site ones.

  207. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#203):

    Well, here’s what gets me. We’ve already asked the question: where did he put his carryon that should be filled with clothes he has?

    I guessed that sack is strapped at the bottom the plane.
    But, with that phone being back at the airport and long gone, I do indeed wonder what else did he forget.

  208. Dazed and Confused
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#205):

    I see “Janus, the Clown,” but where’s her husband Arlo?

  209. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#205):

    In never had to stones to ask but I think I’ve deciphered it now!

    Not So for Baba Ghanoush!

    //just kidding. I take it there an evil, scary clown to be seen.

    Well, in honor of Baka, I ain’t gonna look. Especially if there is a photo like me in that link.

  210. Dazed and Confused
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#206):

    Are you a commode or a john? Please make up your mind!

  211. Sequitur
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#208):

    That sack at the bottom of the plane
    That sack at the bottom of the plane
    That sack at the bottom of the plane
    Stinkin’ to high heaven.♬

    Oops. Sorry. That’s the dead skunk song.

  212. Mr O'Malley
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#174): Actually at the approximate time of King Arthur (whenever that was) there was a monastery there. The castle came much later. But the general layout is fairly close.

  213. tallyHO
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#212):

    Is that the version from the Cuss Skunk Quartet?

  214. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Due to recent cutbacks in the sound effects budget, 3-G’s omniscient narrator* does the “Ring-Ring” of Cole Slaw’s phone.

    *Margo, is that you?

  215. Droopy Says
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman:I’m hoping that this unfriendly welcome means the plane will be attacked by a Russian-supplied MiG-29 (because who else would give an advanced weapon system to an evil dictatorship?). But it’s more likely that Mini-Wilmer will kick Spiderman down the boarding ramp.

    Dick Tracy: Well, we all knew this would happen, eventually.

    Family Circus: Where did they get those antique steel trash cans?

    Funky’s Ugly Flunkies: Don’t worry, Assholehat, the issue is late because the writer is dying from cancer. But who is the writer Pete Roberts? Is he that smirky blond procrastinator who slouched off to fail in New York City? Or is this another of Batiuk’s mumble-outs to a fellow Serious Artist?

    Mark Trail: Musk oxen have been reintroduced into native habitats around the world, just in time for global warming to turn the tundra into nice, warm swamps.

    Pluggers: “The bird seed and suet are by the TV, where I snack on them while watching The Colonel Sanders Cooking Show.” FIFY, Brookins.

    Phantom: “Bahamas dead ahead!” This is an impressive degree of accuracy. They must be using Goofball Positioning Satellites.

  216. Huckleberry Fink
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    Funky: Pete Roberts=Mopey Pete?

    Pluggers… are CHEEP. Although it’s nice of Henrietta to hire Doggie Daddy (of “Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy” fame) to feed her birds.

  217. commodorejohn
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#212): I was a little astonished to learn that this is a real song, which I discovered upon stumbling on a 45 of it in the thrift store (which I promptly snatched up.) I always thought it was just something my parents made up…

  218. Bjorn Rustberggard
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    FW: “The Lord of Late” made him blow his deadline!

  219. Sequitur
    July 20th, 2013 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#214):

    Alas. The Cuss Skunk Quartet is now but a trio since the death of Cuss Skunk’s brother, Puss Skunk who got popped in a zit related accident.

    However, he now make the scene as he is all over the screen.

  220. Bjorn Rustberggard
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#220): There’s also Cuss Skunk’s Mama Cass Skunk, who choked to death on a pine cone…

    That family is cursed (cussed?), I tell you!

  221. tallyHO
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth:

    “As Mary comforts a grieving June…”

    …July is almost over.

  222. Sequitur
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#218):

    Some think that song stinks but I always thought it was spot on, especially after driving all these years on Texas roads.

    //I’ve seen a whole lot more dead skunks then dead armadillos on the road. I think the armadillos say to the skunks, “I bet you can’t beat me across that road.” Skunks can’t turn down a challenge.

  223. tallyHO
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth:

    Charlie’s things are left by his widow. Some are “untouched” ” in drawers”!

    Zoinks!

    It is “Rose for Emily” all over again except reversed and youngified instead of old, Southern and mummified!

    The widow may want to keep the untouched drawer dwellers on the down low…and update her subscription to “Playgirl” to make up for something!

  224. tallyHO
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth, panel three:

    Jeez Louise!

    Don’t. Touch. His. Drawer. Dwellers!
    That, m’dear, is how you move on!

    Mary Worth, panel four:

    Actually, Magellan, you are guiding her away from moving foward by taking her back to the horizon line.

    Mary Worth, panel five:

    It is probably hard to move past “her grief” when her “grief” has her arm around her and is guiding her along the road to nowhere.

    Mary Worth, panel six:

    There’s “something restorative” about being around the “beauty of Nature”? If you compare how you currently look to a pile of beige rocks, Mary, you can convince yourself you look pretty damn good. When you compare your meddling the thorniness of cactus needles, it might seem like your meddling isn’t as intrusive, abusive and pain inducing. But, you, Mary, like a cactus, are not that self-aware.

  225. ALee
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    GT: I wonder what happened to the other Steve in this strip, the former student turned janitor turned unpaid basketball coach? They have so much in common, somehow!

  226. Baka Gaijin
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#204): Oh my! [/George Takei]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#205): Thanks for the warning.

    @tallyHO (#208): In his rectum. His expandable rectum.

  227. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#138):

    But I guess it’s okay because I don’t think George Washington has an Australian accent either.

    I’m not sure Quill does either, at least not consistently. I’ve never completely abaondoned my theory that he’s a big “Crocodile Dundee” fan from the American Midwest.

  228. Baka Gaijin
    July 21st, 2013 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    I just heard a discouragin’ word. Apparently the West found out Mary Worth is in Arizona.

    //Oblique “Home on the Range” reference.

    It’s really touching Henrietta Hen hired a chef for her kinfolk.

  229. Sequitur
    July 21st, 2013 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#229):

    Henrietta Hen is fattening them up for the BIG ROAST!

    It’s a bird eat bird world.

  230. Droopy Says
    July 21st, 2013 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#223): So that’s why the chicken crossed the road: to get away from the dead skunk.

  231. Droopy Says
    July 21st, 2013 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    Bigporn: So . . . Brooke likes necrophilia because he’s an aesthete?

  232. Master Softheart
    July 21st, 2013 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    JP: “That’s my biggest jackpot ever!” Well, aside from marrying Alan Parker and essentially ending all concerns about material well being that I could possibly suffer in this lifetime, albeit at the small cost of putting up with his endless whining, which I can sometimes sort of hear even in our 25 room mansion. Katherine, show some class; anything short of a Saudi prince giving you two free luxury automobiles and free gas for life deserves nothing more than a bored, indulgent nod before getting back to your self-absorbed gossip.

    Gil Thorp(e): Mock this strip if you will, but Steve is an interesting character who has developed over time and who a.) speaks in words that could plausibly be used by a real human being and b.) can joke about his permanently damaged life with small kids. This makes him one of the most likable, interesting, and well written characters in the soap strips – including (at least) the protagonists of Spider Man, Rex Morgan, and 9 Chickweed Lane. If Steve still wants to get it on with the now-graduated Molly Kinsella (was she the girl in the cardboard bikini who briefly generated the ripped-from-the-headlines sexting plot?), I will be more enthusiastic in following his attempts than any romance in the last year of Mary Worth or Apartment 3-G.

  233. Dale
    July 21st, 2013 at 4:15 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#228):

    What kind of “accent” did George Washington have?
    He was British.

  234. Mr O'Malley
    July 21st, 2013 at 5:05 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#234): The RP upper-class “British accent” is a creation of the late 19th century. The “American accent” is an 18th century English accent. The “Australian accent” is a lower-class mid-19th century English accent. Grossly simplified and leaving out a lot of other influences.

    If you listen to upper-class English speakers from the early 20th century you can still hear some characteristics that are usually considered “American”.

  235. Liam
    July 21st, 2013 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    I think a couple of panels have been cut out of the Sunday comics on Comics Kingdom. It seems like there was more and bigger.

  236. Huckleberry Fink
    July 21st, 2013 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#230): Henrietta Hen

    It’s Beak, Henrietta Beak*. And it’s a bird eat birdseed world.

    *On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

  237. Huckleberry Fink
    July 21st, 2013 at 6:40 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#229): Henrietta Hen

    “Featuring Henrietta Beak” appears just above the “Pluggers” title sequence.
    Are you and Sequitur deliberately trying to stir up controversy around here?
    We ALREADY have Tom Batiuk and Brooke McEldowney for that…

  238. Guts Dozier
    July 22nd, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Gil: Everyone’s having a laugh, except that girl with the blonde ponytail who thinks that she’s actually being accused.

  239. Libertarian
    July 22nd, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    Hey, I’m sorry that Steve Boone lost an arm and everything, but am I a bad person for relishing the fact that the loss means one less chance for Gil Thorp illustrators to draw huge, angular, overly-detailed hands?

  240. The Unborn Keane Child
    July 24th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    I find it amusing that the Funky Winkerbean author has no exact clue what Canada is, let alone what it’s flag looks like.

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