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“Sprawl Mart” = residual whimsy from a long-ago Funkyverse era

Crankshaft, 6/4/14

Do you think comics artists ever get into Stockholm Syndrome situations with their characters? Do you think that they start off knowing that their characters are literally the worst, and yet because they have to drawn them, day after day, they eventually fall under their sway, and dedicate the energy and loving care to drawing their faces twisted into a hatefully, sullen grimace as, say, Leonardo put into the Mona Lisa? Anyway, I’m not sure if the joke here is supposed to be “ha ha, Crankshaft never saved up for retirement so he’ll have to work until the day he drops dead” or “ha ha, Crankshaft is so full of angry restless energy that he has to find a job or else he’ll be left alone with his own awful thoughts and feelings,” but it is true that a job that involves greeting people pleasantly and putting them at ease is one for which he is profoundly unqualified.

Family Circus, 6/4/14

It’s obviously unthinkable that Jeffy’s moronic bit of non-wordplay could prompt even the sort of faint smile we see on Big Daddy Keane’s lips. Therefore we must assume something else is going on here. My guess: he’s pleased that his plan to create a Superman-style “disguise” out of his lack of glasses is finally working. (His only superpower will be the ability to trick his children into thinking that he’s someone else just long enough for him to get out of the house and/or the state.)

Beetle Bailey, 6/4/14

When Shi Huangdi, the first emperor of China, died, he was on a tour of the provinces, a two-month journey away from the capital; his inner circle of advisors, concerned that the death of the sovereign would prompt civil war in the vast empire he had built, kept his death a secret, keeping his body in a carriage, ordering carts of dead fish to be placed in front of and behind it in the wagon train to mask the smell, bringing in documents and then forging his signature during the long journey. Also, I’ve never really pegged Miss Buxley as someone who cares enough about her boss’s feelings to spare him the irritation of contact with underlings he dislikes. Put these facts and observations together as you will.

Gasoline Alley, 6/4/14

Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks that Boog’s new paramour is up to no good! Check out all these other children who, like Boog, are so dim they need to have their names printed on their shirts, lest they forget. They’re terrified of her. She’s clearly going to eat Boog alive (not a euphemism).

253 responses to ““Sprawl Mart” = residual whimsy from a long-ago Funkyverse era”

  1. Congo Bill Bailey
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Wee Pals: Nipper’s “lemonade” is actually P!SS. That’s the reason it tastes “funny.”

    Rex Morgan: Ms. Lanning tries on different prosthetic noses while she talks to one of the bored members. (Seriously, the shape of her snozz changes from panel to panel!)

  2. pastordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (y#245): @Nehemiah Scudder (y#244): Nah, Unitarians are simple, peace-loving Devil worshiper. For something this evil, you have to go to…Methodists.

  3. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    9 Chinless Lane: Don’t worry. The officer will escape, survive the war, and open a training program for mercenaries. By 2014 his inept, chattering graduates will include private guards, Romanian arms dealers and NSA linguists.

    Spidercan’t: At last, victims worthy of Spiderman’s incompetence!

    Family Circus: Bil doesn’t need to put on his glasses. He already sees a fuzzy fat blob. It talks, so it isn’t PJ. The hair is orange, so it isn’t Billy. The voice . . . well, does it matter if it’s Dolly or Jeffy? Did it ever matter?

    Funky Stinkerbean: Skunkhead said Mrs. FFF has two issues left to discover. Pester has only shown her one issue, uselessly sealed in plastic. Will he cruelly deny her the chance to get both issues? Will he crush her hopes by telling her there are no remaining copies of the last issue? Or will he send her on a new, harder quest to find the last valuabvle copy? Decide which option will drag out this story the longest and you have the answer.

    Flatulence Alley: The bullies are running because Charlotte’s brother is sick? I call bullshit. There is no disease scary enough to make kids run like that, not when they’re willing to have lunch with Boog.

    Jugheaded Parker: April, I’ve seen Martine Burber handle a weapon. Martine Burber could shoot the ears off a lover at three paces. You, April, are no Martine Burber . . . that’s not a bad thing, is it?

    Mark Trail: Mark Trail in Africa? With rhino poachers? Here’s his big chance to get in a punching contest with the Phantom.

    Mary Mirthless: Well, if you can’t make it in New York, there’s always Charterstone.

    Phantom: Phantom skull-punched a prison wall? Or did Chatu leave that mark as a bit of misdirection? If Phantom took Chatu, why wasn’t the Unknown Commander court-martialled for that unauthorized action?

    Pluggers: –and Pluggers still don’t know how to speed dial.

  4. But What Do I Know?
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    “Anyway, I’m not sure if the joke here is supposed to be “ha ha, Crankshaft never saved up for retirement so he’ll have to work until the day he drops dead” or “ha ha, Crankshaft is so full of angry restless energy that he has to find a job or else he’ll be left alone with his own awful thoughts and feelings.”

    Let me be the first to cast my vote for the former. . .

  5. Perfesser Wut
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Jeffy has prosopagnosia? That explains so much!

  6. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-I think you mispronounced a word. It’s test not tent. There’s no ‘n’ in it.

    A3G-Uhm, Carol, I hate to point this out but your chin is beginning to sag.

    Crankshaft-You could get arrested for doing your duty out in the middle of a store.

    FC-”Listen, Dad, if I’m going to smother you then I want to remember you as how you normally look and not how you look now.”

    JP-”I’m about ready to shoot Katherine because she is planning to give away MY diamonds.”

    MT-”Mark, I want you to do another story on poaching in Africa. I’m sending you a one way plane ticket.”

    MT-”Mark, when I told you I wanted you to do a story on poaching I meant poached eggs.”

    MW-”We’re from New York! We are living here under the Witness Protection Program after my husband saw a mob hit.”

    MW-”Anna told me about you! Now we must be leaving before you start talking.”


    RMMD-Excuse me, Mr. Gray Haired Gentleman. When you say one million dollars you need to put a pinky to your lips.

    Sally Forth-It’s like watching the Beatles.

  7. pastordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    @Perfesser Wut (#5): You say “prosopagnosia,” I say he’s a moron. Let’s split the difference.

  8. Dennis Jimenez
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    Crank – Cerbus needs a helper as greeter in Hell – you’d be perfect Ed – would you die already….

    FC – What are all those stains on your pillow, daddy….

    BB – The VA could have used Ms. Buxley in pushing through appointments without resorting to phony lists….

    GA – Um – so only the students in the “special class” have their names on their shirt?

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  9. Mibbitmaker
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Crank, meta: Actually, the joke is the wretched word…. uh….. play. Ol’ Cranky’s got the worst “see what I did there?” in the business.

    A3G: Did Jack just get Bolle’s blow-up doll woman lips in panel 1? Yikes!

    Curtis: Sexist pig Diane cannot let go of her smug superiority. Give up, Greg. Jeez, guy married a brick wall!

  10. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Wee Pals-Did they realize the unfortunate implication when they named the black character ‘Nipper’?

  11. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley-”I have to go. Something suddenly came up.”

  12. Perfesser Wut
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#3): As I recall, Ghost-Who-Tags-Government-Buildings arbitrarily decided Gravelines Prison wasn’t secure enough, so he broke in and after a few rounds of the obligatory homoerotic fisticuffs, removed Chatu to his native village where he is currently confined in an open-air steel cage.

  13. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    MW – “We moved her on the advice of our uncle, Ken Kensington.”
    “You mean Ken Kensington of the Kensignton Kensingtons? ”
    “Yes, that Ken Kensignton! The very same.”
    “Ken Kensignton is a friend of mine! Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you settle in. It would be an honor if I can help the kin of Ken Kensington!”

  14. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Crank: Yeah, Crank, after eight hours of standing up, you’ll be saying Howdy Dooty when you take off your drawers.

    DtM: And the mailman thinks, “What the little fucker really needs is PILLS.

  15. Mibbitmaker
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    FW: With a comic book culture like this “supporting” the medium, who needs Frederick Wertham?!

    JP: Clueless Kathy’s over-privileged ego is spreading — her own ego, not just its condition.

    MT: “Cut to the chase, Poindexter…”

  16. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    MW: Fabulous. Now we’ll be treated to three weeks of grandiose rehash of Mary’s recent trip to NY. Meanwhile, the Taylors try to convince her that even the Big Apple has nothing that can compare to the Bum Boat.

    FC: Lackaday! Jeffy has forgotten the face of his father.

    GT: Nah, did both of those last weekend. I do have some shrooms left if you’re interested.

    Love Is: Completing the last position in the Kama Sutra and moving on to explore creatively the diverse options provided by today’s technology.

  17. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    But Shi Huangdi’s courtiers were also busy forging his will to put his pliant nonentity of a younger son on the throne instead of his chosen successor. Who would Miss Buxley plot to put into the command of Camp Swampy?

  18. gelded wilderbeeste
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    GA: Those other kids shouldn’t pick on Boog for having a girlfriend. They should pick on him for using the word “fellers”.

  19. Christopher
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Captain Yossarian attempts to go up the chain of command, bypassing Major Major Major and going straight to the general, in his futile effort to get out of the army. Alas he’s caught by something even more sinister than a Catch-22: Ms. Buxley’s literal interpretations of everything. If only he’d asked to speak to the general instead of merely asking to see him…

  20. dougputhoff
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Alt-FC Caption–”Hurry up, Daddy, there’s a whole bunch of worms on the sidewalk for breakfast.”

  21. CanuckDownSouth
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    MW: Is anybody allowed to have more than one child in this universe? Is sibling rivalry un-meddleable and hence siblings are forbidden?

    RMMD: Kelly is quite the jerk to be that happy to hear that Channing’s job is precarious just because Little Sarah didn’t like the hat Channing asked her to wear.

  22. Mibbitmaker
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    MW: You two were told all about Mary Worth, and you went over to talk to her anyway? Forget your daughter, people, SAVE YOURSELVES! Well, too late now….

    Phantom: “The Phantom? The evilest of all the superheroes? Hoo-boy! Python, you’re on your own! We’re outta here!”

    RMMD: Hello, Dolly!

  23. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    @Perfesser Wut (#12): Interesting. I recall there was a scene that showed Chatu on display in the Wambesi zoo, but I entered the story too late for an explanation. The Bangallan government has one fouled-up chain of command when an officer can take such matters into his own hands and not have it questioned. Or maybe the president decided that he needed implausible deniability.

  24. Flippin Arkansas
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    FC: Haha! Jeffy and Daddy Keane are still drunk from last night!

  25. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#17): I expect it’d be Killer. It’s not hard to picture her and Blips enjoying the role of the Amazons to Killer’s Gaddafi.

  26. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    As Charlotte towers over the other children, she wonders why so many of them flee her. It wasn’t like this back at Lost Forest Elementary! You’d think they never saw a twelve-foot-tall anything in their lives. But no matter, there’s Boog, who so dearly reminds her of Rusty . . . .

  27. saluki
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: I’m not quite sure what “hang glide off the roof” or “go mushroom hunting” are code for but I’m intrigued.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Wait, the initial idea for the fund raiser was to sell a book of children’s pictures to raise money. Now, the idea is that new donors will run for their checkbooks when they learn that the museum has a 5YO girl on staff who paints horses and school buses?

    I’m not sure who has given this fund raiser less thought – the author, or the museum’s board.

  29. pastordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace: Don’t look now, but I think Dennis is about to up his menacing game significantly to identity theft and credit card fraud. (The mail carrier will have his hand placed in a pizza oven if he mistakenly delivers the statements to the real Henry Mitchell.)

  30. McManx
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Love is… — “Love is throwing away the rule book…” Translation: “Love is deviant sex.”

    Mark Trail — Seems as if Mark’s publisher is just now getting around to reading some of Mark’s articles. So much for timely performance evaluation.

    Mary Worth — Well Olive has the right idea, hiding behind her mother from the horror that is Mary’s chicken salad appetizers. But apparently Ed has never experienced such in New York, and is throwing caution to the wind.

    Phantom — I didn’t know the warden of Boomsby Prison was Louis Farrakhan.

    Dick Tracy — All this set up for a “Pullet Prize” joke. Aww, fuck you Dick Tracy, and the horse you rode in on.

  31. Roto13
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    “Fellers.” It’s been about 50 years since anyone has said “Fellows,” let alone one of its stupid bastardizations. Gasoline Alley continues to know its audience.

  32. pugfuggly
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    C’shaft ‘Sprawl-Mart’? Isn’t that the big box store in the nameless town where Herb and Jamaal have their diner?

    GA What could be so horrifying about Charlotte’s face that it would make those bullies turn tail like that? Pupils, maybe?

  33. Perky Bird
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    Boog must be a true loser if his classmates choose to pick on him and not the strange little human-feline hybrid sitting across the table from him.

  34. Bill Peschel
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan, child enslaver: “So Mrs. Pierpont wants to increase her contribution by $500,000 and expects me to kiss her ass? For that chump change, she deserves a boot to the ass!”

    9 Chickweed Straße: Whenever I see the guy-holding-a-gun-to-hostage’s-head trope, I’m reminded of “McGrave,” where the good guy shot his friend through the arm to kill the gunman. Take a hint, guys.

  35. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    @ 19. Christopher

    Well, Yo-Yo couldn’t have had any luck with Major Major Major Major anyway, since he could only see him when he couldn’t see him.

    Not that meeting General Scheißkopf would’ve given him any more joy. March, Captain, march!

  36. pugfuggly
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    A3G Yeah, it’s a tale as old as time: girl meets boy, boys dies in fiery plane crash, girl goes crazy and adopts wild fawn, girl abandons city life and lives on a farm with a stranger, working for room and board while the fawn slowly fades from memory.

    C’shaft What’s great about today’s strip is that every line of dialogue could be the punchline without losing any comedic effect at all.

    JP “April! You scared me to death. Also, you almost shot me to death.”

  37. Flippin Arkansas
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    GA: Good news, everyone! Boog has been invited over to the school bully’s basement to be a participant in a model train … snuff film!

  38. Dennis Jimenez
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#36): On A3G – I’m seeing a future in reality TV as “Sister-Wife #2.”

  39. pastordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Today’s Mark-Trail-to-Human translation:

    “Hi Bill, it’s Mark.”

    “Oh snap, thanks for returning my call. Listen, my hand hurts from clutching this piece of 2×4, so I’m going to make this short. You’ve done a lot of great articles on poaching for us and also you’re my bitch until you get that little Cuba-yacht thing paid off. Unless you’d like me to tell the insurance company what really happened to that suitcase filled with cash. Uh-huh, thought so. Anyhoo, ever thought about doing a story on dung beetle poaching?”


  40. Pozzo
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    It won’t be long before everything in “Gasoline Alley” is conveniently labeled, a la vintage “Dick Tracy.” I can’t wait until Boog shows Charlotte his “Two-Way Wrist Radio.”

  41. pugfuggly
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    MT I missed yesterday’s strip: is Mark receiving a wildlife journalism award by phone?

    MW ‘New York City? I was just there! Has mayor de Blasio finally managed to stamp out the shoving epidemic?

    RMMD Wow, for a minute there, I thought that Sarah might not get something she wanted. But then, of course, we were reminded that it was just a question of money. Carry on, young artist….

  42. Flippin Arkansas
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#36): Hey, you’re right! Rearranging the panels in today’s Crankshaft doesn’t make the strip any more or less funny! I wonder how often this is true of Crankshaft.

  43. pugfuggly
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#38):

    Really? I would have cast her as ‘red-headed hat stand’.

  44. pastordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: What’s the over-under line on Evy and Ed Taylor harboring a dark secret…about knish?

  45. Jon I Am
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I’m betting that Sawah’s horsie pictures will be so amazing that this Polly Pierpont will happily endow the museum with the million dollars. As we all know, Saint Sarah of Horsies can do no wrong – even when she blackmails her peons.

    Wunky Finkerbean: More wall-of-text comic book stuff that I can’t be arsed to care about.

    I didn’t have a proble with comic book collectors, but this arc is making me want to tell the whole “culture” to get a life.

    Don’t know if that’s Batouk’s writing or impatience with people who obsess over minutiae.

  46. Dr. Mabuse
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Ol’ Amos Halftrack does not seem like he’d have a strong enough heart to survive the abrupt room-shaking slam of a door while he’s in his oblivious looking-at-papers mode.

    Family Circus: The tousled hair, the dreamy grin. . . this scene is just itching to have a “just got laid” joke made about it. But, nope. Bil probably is blissed out because he just got five hours’ sleep.
    How many neighbors do you think woke up this fine sunny morning to a melon-headed kid standing beside their beds, pointing and saying, “Put your glasses on, Daddy, so I can remember who you are!”

    Gasoline Alley: Why aren’t they chanting “Boog’s got devil eyes”? I would.

  47. Maltmasher
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    @Perfesser Wut (#5): Is that caused by hydrocephalus? Jeffy has that big time.

  48. gelded wilderbeeste
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    FC: “You look happy, Daddy! Did you have that dream again where you never met Mommy, and none of us kids were ever born, and you were living in Hawaii with two sisters that looked like they were drawn by Al Capp?”

  49. Col. Havoc
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    MT “Your article on the West African Rhino becoming extinct due to poaching was good!”

    After weeks of experiencing Mark 2.0 (Going shirtless, caring about his wife, thinking, etc) I, for one, am glad to see that James Allen has embraced the strips #1 conceit–that all phrases must employ enough tortured syntax to assure the reader that it is still being written in the style of an over-stimulated four-year-old telling stories to his drunk grandfather.

  50. Col. Havoc
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Didn’t close the B tag. Stupid HTML. (Then again, it kinda looks like Mark Trail lettering now.

  51. Col. Havoc
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Didn’t close the parenthesis. I hate myself almost as much as I hate using preview.

  52. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    @But What Do I Know? (#4): With Crank’s penchant for wordplay, he probably said “401K? For-no-one, ‘k? HAW HAW!”

  53. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    GA: Somewhere, Jim Scancarelli hears the criticism and smiles. Didn’t the carpers notice Little Orphan Annie and Sandy? How about yesterday’s pig? “How did you smart-alecks miss that?” he wonders. “You young whippersnappers aren’t so quick after all! I showed you!”

  54. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    MT: I’ve been following this strip for ten years, and Mark has never gone to Africa. I’d suggest that he copy/pasted directly from Wikipedia, but you can’t access Wikipedia on an internet connection made of wood.

    I like that Mark has to refer to Bill Ellis as “Bill Ellis” and not “Bill” or “Mr. Ellis”, because Bill Ellis has to be reminded of who he is. I also like that Bill Ellis has to remind Mark of all the articles that he’s done on poaching in Africa, because Mark has to be reminded of what he has done. In Mark’s defense, he’s gotten cracked on the head unconscious about once every other story line, leading to serial concussions. That’s got to have some effect on long term memory.

  55. Gabacho
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth -It would be so awesome if the husband Ed. from New York. was there to finish the mugging hit that was ordered on Mary a few months back. But it probably won’t be, will it? Do you think it might?

  56. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Flippin Arkansas (#37): GA: Good news, everyone! Boog has been invited over to the school bully’s basement to be a participant in a model train … snuff film!

    Man, even by the standards of the genre Model Train snuff films are the worst. In the one I saw (while on a boat 101 miles off shore) they tied the guy to the little tracks and then had to run the train over him 10,000 times to even draw blood. He lingered on for a week before dying of dehydration.

    But, in these tough economic times, any little bit helps and you have to start somewhere!

  57. Voshkod
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Things I didn’t need to know: Crankshaft refers to defecation as “doing his howdy duty.”

  58. Everything is Better With Monkeys
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    FC – Seriously, Daddy, I’m already having trouble distinguishing you from the parade of men who crawl out of that bed while you’re at work…

  59. Perfesser Wut
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#23): Like many post-colonial nations, Bangalla struggles with rule of law, weak civilian oversight, and a ‘big man’ culture. It doesn’t help that the big man in question is a violent, treasure-hoarding, white warlord who has carefully cultivated not one, but two seemingly supernatural personas, one giving him effective day-to-day control of the bush and the other giving him extra-judicial control of the nation’s security forces whenever he should need it.

  60. Odie Odo
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#10): Did they realize the unfortunate implication when they named the black character ‘Nipper’?

    Nipper was originally called “Ripper” because of his excessive flatulence. This was back when Morrie Turner was still trying to market his strip as “Pee Pals.”

  61. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Doc Ock: Go ahead and shoot. I’m a SUPER VILLIAN, for fuck’s sake! The only reason I’m stopping you from leaving is because I’m also a dick. But a super one.

  62. Jim in Wisc.
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Crappy Depressingbean: How, you may ask, did Cory afford to collect all of these apparently über-rare and über-expensive comic books? Why, by stealing the proceeds of the Let’s All Worship Dead St. Lisa of the Holy Tumor Charity Run. That’s how.

    Family Circus Freaks: Judging from that sleepy-eyed smile on his face, I’m guessing Mommy kept Daddy awake most of the night.

    Meddlin’ Mary: Try my chicken salad appetizers. You really don’t have a choice, eating my cooking is required by the CCOA (Charterstone Condo Owners’ Assn.) by-laws.

  63. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    April: She almost has him ready to surrender his guns!

    Abbott: Damn! We’ve got to shoot him before that happens!

  64. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: When dealing with geezehounds, there’s no such thing as being too safety-conscious.

  65. Odie Odo
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

  66. revenge4aldo
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#21): Mary feeds on second children to stay young.

  67. Shrug
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    @gelded wilderbeeste (#y68):

    Apologies for being so late to this party, but a bit of insomnia last night helped (or at least was responsible for) some of these additions (oversnarkapologies if any have already been suggested and I forgot):


  68. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Would any of you like the chicken salad appetizers that I made? Try them, you’ll love them. Have more. And more. I’m absolutely certain that you will find them vastly superior to all other dishes on that table. Remember who made them. Yes. Yes. Eat. Eat.

  69. TheDiva
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: So, it’s official now? They’ve finally admitted that Crankshaft keeps doing his job out of pure spite?

    FC: I’m ashamed to admit I can kind of relate to this. I normally wear contacts, but once a couple years back I had to switch to glasses for a couple days. Divaling One cried the first time he saw me, and I needed to take the glasses off and put them back on several times in order to reassure him that yes, this was Mommy and not some strange new person with weird eyes. (Of course, Divaling One was only a year and a half old at the time, but I don’t think any of us are surprised that Jeffey is severely developmentally delayed.)

  70. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#65): So they don’t have gorillas in the southern part of the state? What about on the coast?

  71. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MW: “Yes, Evy, that’s nice. But you didn’t answer my question: Would you like chicken salad appetizers I made?
    “And we’re really loving California, especially the weather!”

    Yeah, Evy’s heard of Mary, all right.

    PBS: So who is Libby?

  72. Master Softheart
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    GT: Amy is kind of my dream date…

    Phantom! Okay, I have to go to bat for the Multi-Generational-Criminal-Empire-Who-Walks, here. Keep in mind that as pathetic an arch-nemesis as The Python! might actually be, he did manage to plot a successful terrorist attack on the main UN Building in Bangalla that presumably killed dozens or hundreds for the sole purpose of kidnapping Kit’s wife and secretly imprisoning her in Rhodia (or possibly Rodia, I was never entirely clear on that). And he did that from inside Boomsby prison. Since Kit is smarter than Batman, he quite reasonably decided that the Bangallan authorities were incapable of holding Chatu or preventing his terrorist activities (which the present storyline quite nicely illustrates), so he took custody and tried to find a more secure prison than sub-Equatorial Arkham. Within the logic of comic book superheroes, this was post-graduate level thinking.

    And, by way of compliment to the DePaul and Ryan team, I was completely charmed by the look of ineffectual, comic dismay on the face of the bow tied Warden Poindexter as he looks into the empty cell with the skull mark. The very cluelessness with which the warden reacts to the Phantom’s success in springing Chatu does brilliant visual service in reinforcing that Kit was right to take him.

    Sally Forth: Hil’s band has a great future – I’m pretty sure that this is exactly how Tegan and Sara got started.

    MT: “Mark, this is Bill Ellis – we have a chance to get a scoop on World Geography by arranging an interview with some guy in Africa called ‘Phantom’ or something! It turns out that he keeps a pet wolf, so it’s perfect for our readers. Your tickets are booked and we’ll talk later; now I have to get back to my Eisenhower Cabinet meeting theme party.”

    I tried, but I can’t actually come up with something as bizarre as the average telephone conversation between Bill and Mark.

  73. Gordogato
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    I read today’s Crankshaft as Tom Batiuk trying to break the fourth wall and speak to the audience through Crankshaft’s character. People around Tom are probably always saying things to him like, “Your comics seem so depressing and spiteful. Haven’t you ever thought of just packing it in and retiring, Tom?” And this is his response.

  74. TheDiva
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke McEldowney in a special cameo!

    A3G: “Not the old ‘got engaged in a whirlwind romance, fiance abruptly died, she took in an orphan deer but couldn’t keep it in her city apartment so she drove it out to the country and wound up here’ thing again!”

    BRSG: I like the smarter TV.

    FW: “So if you don’t think I can afford it and aren’t interested in trading, why did you invite me here in the first place?”
    “Beats me. It’s almost as if we’re at the mercy of a cruel god who has no concept of logical narrative flow.”

    Heath: “But a cat on a cat motorcycle? Even I’ll admit that’s crazy awesome.”

    JP: “I can’t believe we’ve been running scared from a man my mother-in-law can outwit!”

    Luann: Pitts High–it’s worse than Hotel California.

    MT: Mark’s going to Africa? Christmas has come early, people!

    MW: “Hi, I’m Generic Female Face, this is my husband Hipster Wilbur and our daughter Long-Haired Sarah Morgan. We look forward to being your meddle thralls for the next several days.”

    Pibgorn: I’m just impressed that McEldowney restrained himself from drawing the train going into a tunnel.

  75. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @pastordan (#2): Your comment reminds me of the last line of this classic tune by John R. Butler. Heaven forbid that I should ruin the whole song by quoting it now. Mind the volume level.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y214): How could I have suspected someone who denies being spontaneously funny of being the person who entered the same punchline over and over and over? Apologies.

    @pastordan (#y231): All my Eszetts are currently in Beta testing.

    @Majicou (#y242): The word ‘aspartame’ always looks to me like it should be Spanish, and I end up wondering what ‘aspartar’ means.

  76. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Mary – Olive’s parents will be here soon. In the meantime, we’ll just watch Olive loaf.

    Dick – Happy birthday to the worst thing that ever happened to Dick Tracy.

    Nancy – Vapid bromides. I’d complain, but they’re funnier than Gilchrist’s gags.

    Family – Well. I’m rather averse these days to the humor trope that someone in a comic strip looks like some actor or other, but I can’t avoid the thought that without his glasses, Bil is actually the father in Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home. I wonder who Uncle Roy looks like.

    Gasoline – Fred, Ted, Ed, and Jed all like to pick on Boog for not having a name that rhymes with head, like all the other boys at St. Ned’s.

  77. PaulG
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    9 Chinless Lane: That’s Charlotte Brasky to you.

  78. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee MeiDere (Y#199): There is a “Hierarchy of Fools” that is used in TV shows, movies and advertising.
    Men are always fools.
    Women are fools if there is no man.
    Men and women are both fools if there is a teenager involved.
    Men, women and teens are fools if there is a young child involved.

    It is an inverted pyramid of power. Those with less perceived social status trumping those with greater perceived social status is funny. Turning it the other way just seems mean. The Dukes of Hazard could destroy Boss Hogg’s property and the rednecks would be rolling on the floor. But if Boss Hogg burned Uncle Jessie’s house to the ground, I doubt the audience would find it funny. I would.

    Grown ups get played for fools by teens, but retirees won’t get played for fools by a teen. Pickles is kind of a lukewarm strip, not horrible enough or popular enough to get much play here. What I like is that the grandkid and the grandpa rip each other on a fairly equal basis. The grandkid makes an offhanded insult about grandpa’s age. Grandpa tells the kid some crazy bullshit that the kid believes. I like it on that level. So in your hierarchy, grandparents are like pre-teens.

    A rich woman can be played for a fool vs. a blue collar man. Not sure how rich fits in against age.

  79. Bloody Glop
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Legend has it that if you light a candle and say “chicken salad appetizers” three times into a mirror, your colon with fall out.

  80. Hal Mars
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#33) & @Droopy Says (#53): I’m glad I’m not the only one who has noticed…

    GA: First there was three-legged chimera/siamese twin kid, yesterday pig-kid, and today cat-girl, not to mention the unsettlingly strange eyes on many of the kids (including Little Orphan Annie). It’s clear that something is wrong at Boog’s school. It could be that this is the Junior-high of Dr. Moreau, but given that the coal-eye syndrome has affected multiple generations of townsfolk, I suspect that there actually is something in the water, and it’s not eternal youth.

    Fred, Ted, and Big Red are running away from Charlotte because they have been strongly warned not to interact with normal humans, and they fear the consequences of disobedience.

  81. gelded wilderbeeste
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Excellent list! Reply Allman Brothers hit the sweet spot and Elton John Darling is brilliant! I am pretty sure Dilbert Bacharach is best known in the bands/comic strips crossover for writing that haunting (HA!) song about the Phantom, “Ghost-Who-Walks On By”.

  82. Little Guy
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#1): Does this make it “Wee Wee Pals”?

  83. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    FW: Pester says he seems to have one of those Starstruck Jones incunabula? SEEMS?!?!?</b? Is this the same geek who just yesterday berated Mrs. Funky for applying the very same word to his collection? Or is Batiuk displaying his profound knowledge of the comic-book-collecting universe, where only the most revered of collectors are privileged to use such terms? Naw, he's just bungling around.

  84. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Hal Mars (#80): I’m waiting for Scancarelli to reveal the brother’s disease through some word play. “My poor brother, his disease is terrible!” “What is it, already?” “I’m not sure, but they said he’s going to hang from a nail!”

  85. Mibbitmaker
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#76): re: Family: Buck Henry?

  86. Voshkod
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    “Put your glasses on, Daddy, so I can remember who you are! After all, today is the day we descend on you like a pack of feral pugs, and I want to remember you as you were – weak-eyed, weak-chinned, and too weak to lead the pack. It’s Jeffy time now, old man!”

  87. Aunt Charlotte
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MARY WORTH: New York? That Ed Taylor (probably Isadore Teilberg!) looks like a BEATNIK. He probably plays the bongos and gets all hepped-up on goofballs. If he is willing to recklessly poke his paws into Mary’s chicken-salad “appetizers,” there is obviously no scene too far-out for that East-Coast Commie.

  88. Anonymous
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#21):

    I vaguely remember a set of fraternal blonde twins, male and female, about age 8, and all they seemed to do was hold each of their mom’s hands as they got their 5 minutes of sunshine outdoors, 10 panels total, but that was more than a quarter century ago. They wore the same style of outfit that Olive’s wearing, but I think she already has more lines than the two did the whole time they were in the strip. Their family had to move away, and there have been no children at Charterstone since then, except Dawn, and she was about 15 years old when she showed up.

  89. Anonymous
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    RM:MD Odd that a patron would object to a little girl being exploited. Rex and June held out for more money before they signed the contract. (Of course, once the patron finds out that her donations are being handed over to Sarah MORGAN, she will be thrilled to write out the check.)

  90. Dr. Mabuse
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Which is more blood-curdling? “My name is Mary Worth. Would any of you like chicken salad appetizers I made?” or “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

  91. Brad
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Honestly, when I first saw today’s Gasoline Alley, I thought the red-haired kid was actually Slim, and it didn’t strike me as the least bit unusual that he would be at an elementary school, picking on small children and running away from girls.

  92. Hal Mars
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#84): From the looks of some of these kids, I’d put my money on hoof and mouth disease.

  93. Voshkod
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Mabuse (#90): How about “My name is Mary Worth. You ate my chicken salad appetizers. Prepare to die.”

  94. Hal Mars
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    GA: Given Boog’s soul-swallowing eyes and his preference for black attire, has anyone considered that his full first name might be Boogeyman?

  95. made of wince
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    FC: Daddy’s doughy, pasty, hairless legs. Yes, this one is for the ladies.

    GA: I don’t get why these boys are afraid of Charlotte. I’d be a lot more freaked out by that girl in the corner. She has a cat’s face for a face.

  96. Perky Bird
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Hal Mars (#80): Do you suppose we’re seeing the beginning of Slylock Fox’s anthropomorphic-animal-ruled civilization?

  97. Flippin Arkansas
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    FC: So…Daddy Keane is the Piggy of the Keane Compound’s Lord of the Flies hierarchy? (And obviously there is no Ralph.) Good luck, Daddy Keane!

  98. Joe Blevins
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    FC: Of all the things I ever expected to say about Family Circus,” I can assure you that none of them were “Boy, their dad has a great set of gams!”

    BB: You can see why Miss Buxley has stayed with this seemingly humiliating, unrewarding job for decades. Look at her desk. No computer. Not even a typewriter. One sheet of paper, hardly enough to fill one of those dreaded IN/OUT trays. Does her job consist of setting up and delivering punchlines?

    ‘SHAFT: I like how the last panel isolates Ed in a little tan circle of shame as he makes a pop culture reference that his middle-aged coworkers are still too young to grasp.

    GA: Given the strip’s system for literally labeling its characters, I can only assume that the bag in the last panel contains little scraps of people named Chip.

  99. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:12 am [Reply]

  100. made of wince
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    @made of wince (#95): Er…looks like the presence of the cat-faced girl has not gone unnoticed. That’s kind of a relief, actually. We are totally prepared for the Cat People invasion–they’ll never be able to secretly infiltrate our society!

  101. Baka Gaijin
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth: I love this strip. Hil has the ego and social cluelessness of Ted and the directness of Sally.

    Pickles: I suspected as much.

    Mutts: Actually kitty cat, a “direct” flight is one that stops at multiple destinations with the same aircraft. They can have dramatically circuitous routes like the one the moth is taking. You’re thinking of a “nonstop” flight. Damn I travel wayyy too much.

  102. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#75): If I’m not mistaken, it means to sprinkle someone with holy asparagus juice.

  103. Odie Odo
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#82): It’s known in France as “Oui Oui Pals.”

  104. Hal Mars
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#96): You could be right! Everyone, be on the lookout for the kid that grows up to be Count Weirdly.

  105. made of wince
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Crankshaft would never last long as a greeter at Sprawl Mart. His scowling and tortuous wordplay would discourage shoppers from lingering in the store. “Screw the plasma TV! I’m just gonna grab this gallon of milk and bolt!”

  106. José Jiménez
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Arlo & Janis & Snakes on a Plane:

    Janis — “Don’t worry, Arlo. Snakes don’t attack, unless they’re provoked. Something up there’s making them go crazy, possibly some kind of drug.”

    Arlo — “Well, that’s good news: snakes on crack.”

  107. Laura
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: The real Doc Ock’s tentacles move faster than bullets do. Is the comic strip Doc Ock usually a lot lamer, or are these criminals supposed to be that stupid?

  108. I speak Jive
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#6): Re: SF – One of Faye’s songs is called How Do You Sleep.

    @Bill Peschel (#34): I always think of Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles.

  109. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    MW-”This is chicken salad? Why is it dark brown and misshapen? What did you do? Did you shape it into balls and deep fry it?”

  110. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    FW: I like this guy’s marketing strategy. “No, you really can’t afford this. I can tell from your low level proletariat clothing and behavior.”

    “Yes I can! I can afford the HELL out of that useless comic with an exorbitant price tag! As a matter of fact, I’m going to pay DOUBLE.”

  111. Crankenstank
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    My kids have said the same thing to me sans glasses. It’s amazing to me sometimes these little human beings can navigate the cereal from the bowl to their mouths.

  112. Triteon
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    It’s nice to see that Daddy Keane is still trying to stealthily cover the morning wood with a pillow. He’ll lose that urge eventually.

  113. Poteet
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    GA: In real life, that kid would be known as “Booger,” and referring to the young men calling him that as “fellers” would seal his fate.

  114. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#110): Keep this in mind — Montoni’s Pizza uses ingredients all sourced from the lowest bidder. Holly probably handles all the negotiations (because, you know, Funky is too stupid/drunk to do it himself). Comic-Boy is toast.

    The final comic that she needs to find is, ironically, in the hands of a Taliban collector (probably Khan).

  115. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#99): Yea, you could end up being married to a Presbyterian! That’s rough shit!

  116. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley-Fred and Ted in green and red shirts? Is this a reference to the Dr. Seuss book ‘Go Dog Go’?

    MT-”Mark, I wanted to tell you that I’m changing the format of the magazine to better compete with this Hugh Hefner and his bunny magazine. Don’t worry we will still be an outdoors nature magazine and while Hefner has his bunnies we shall have beavers.”

  117. Baka Gaijin
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#114): KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! [/Captain Kirk]

  118. Braniff
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#67): Here’s another classic–Simon and Garfield (as in “Here’s To You Mrs. Lasagna . . . “)

  119. Poteet
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    FC: The sad thing is that compared to his hideously-misshapen offspring, Daddy looks pretty good. Seriously, the melon heads I could almost stand, but those squidgy bodies are too much.

  120. Rusty
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#76): Do you recommend Fun Home? I’m a big fan of her old strip, but the book’s subject seemed rather depressing.

  121. Anonymous
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    FC comic reminds me of something we ran into at the McCormick-Stillman Railroad Museum on our trip to Phoenix a couple of months ago:

    It’s more terrifying than it looks.

    There’s no mention of this ‘FC Museum’ on their website, either:

  122. Horace Broon
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    FW: “I know I can’t afford it, but you have to give it to me for free, because my son’s in Afghanistan! That’s how this has worked everywhere else!”

    RMMD: Neither of these people are making sense. Ms Lanning responds to the fact a donor is worried about child exploitation with “But with the publicity we can get new donors! Donors who like child exploitation!”

    And rather than say that this isn’t really the point and publicity for child exploitation would be a bad thing, the boardmember replies “Never mind about new donors, we have to focus entirely on keeping one specific donor happy! In fact, I don’t know why we made a decision without running it past Ms Pierpont in the first place!”

    MW“My name’s Mary Worth! Would you like some of the chicken salad appetisers I made?”
    “Anna told me about you! So hell, no!”

  123. tallyHO
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    The writing was on the wall in an indecipherable gibberish and we didn’t see it.

    All Tommie is to this Doctor Jack, Cult Leader, Animal Husbandrier, is another “large animal” for him to consider a “project”.

    Andy so far, two…TWO! people have just allowed it to continue unabated!
    Professor Intervenous Yeah-He’s-A-Part-of-This just left Tommie to remain a lab rat for this so-called “Dock Tor” to have his merry way with.

    There’s ink on your hands, current creators of “A3G”! Ink that won’t come off in the wash, either! You will rue the day that…well, you will…

    Dang. I get the feeling that I will forget the strip even exists after I click that button labelled…

  124. tallyHO
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Crankenstank (#111):

    Have you ever tried to preserve your favorite cereal by putting a pair of spare glasses on the box? Might work even better than hiding the box.

    Let’s see: Apple Jacks, Cheerios, Parent Who Confuses Us Daily, Fruit Loops, Chex…

  125. casino LF
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#6) re: MW: Someday little Olive will grow up to marry her first love, now a soccer star, in a very public ceremony using her real name, and the Mob will totally just not care anymore!

  126. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Blondie-”With the money I’m giving you for a caterer it should be dash to the bathroom.”

  127. Not Worth It
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    BB – Sorry, Josh, I don’t buy it. Who really believes that General Halftrack is so powerful that the army would revolt if he were known to be dead? Or that Miss Buxley would care if it did? No, I’m pretty sure that this has nothing to do with civil war and everything to do with Miss Buxley and Mrs. Halftrack splitting the general’s paycheck.

  128. Fritz G
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    FC: Looks like Daddy “accidentally” put on a pair of Thel’s black granny panties last night.

  129. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Tommie, Carol is my dead wife Ellen’s old friend.” Her old, old friend. It’s not nice to keep harping on it, but my lord, the drawing must be intentional, and if it is, that woman should have at least gray hair. And Jack simply can’t be over forty.

    A3G: True, it’s not hard. A woman with a deer in her NYC apartment is f—- nuts. Or lovably eccentric, depending upon how much money she has.

    BB: Ms. Blips couldn’t do that, because she’s in the army herself and presumably lower in rank than Lt. Fuzz.

    Luann: No touching! Didn’t you listen during those workshops? Whatshername is creepier than Fogerty.

  130. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#126): I think the bigger concern is that if he were dead, the Army would appoint a new commander who might actually impose some discipline and order on this outfit – not to mention noticing that they’re grossly past-due to go on deployment.

  131. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Mark, you did a good job on that story about poaching and the trade in animal parts. What I’m wondering is whether that injured bear survived his surgery and if not, could you send me the gall bladder?”

  132. Peanut Gallery
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y217):

    @Peanut Gallery (#209): Your sincere friend…

    What? No “humble and obedient servant”?

    It’s better not to. The last time I used that phrase with pastordan, I ended up doing his laundry for a month.

    A “sincere friend” you can only ask for small favors, such as smuggling $80 million out of Nigeria. (Just helping to liberate some “frozen Eszetts”…)

  133. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-”Because I find nothing funny about you.”

    Luann-”Great big huge comfortable shoes.”

    Luann-No touching.

  134. pugfuggly
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#128):

    re: A3G

    It’s not that Carol is old, she just has a unique condition: instead of bones and cartilage, her facial structure is comprised of a series of liquid-filled bladders that expand and contract with the atmospheric pressure. And as you can see, a major weather system is moving into Happiness Falls.

  135. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Tommie was born a poor black child.

  136. Baka Gaijin
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#129) on Apartment 3-G: Carol’s beauty secret is foregoing her Aquanet hairspray for Krylon APWA Hi-Visibility Yellow.

    @pugfuggly (#134): Bwah ha and HA!

  137. Uncle Lumpy
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#10):

    Wee Pals-Did they realize the unfortunate implication when they named the black character ‘Nipper’?

    Soul Circle: First Black Mohel.

  138. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#83) on FW: “Pester says he seems to have one of those Starstruck Jones incunabula?”

    I think what he’s got is more like incubulabia.

  139. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    MW-Olive! I told you not to wander away! Do you want to be taken away by the Mary Worth creature that stalks this place?”

  140. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Reach new donors? You mean the sort of people who might think “Aw, she’s so cute!”, and give $100? I insist upon a more nefarious reason for all this silliness. All that Kelly is getting from this overheard conversation so far is that Sarah needs to charm Ms. Pierpont when she shows up.

    RMMD: “We figure to pull in a couple dollars a day from the pennies that the kids throw at Sarah.”

    RMMD: Ms. Pierpont gives half a million to this rinky dink museum annually, and she’s not on the board? For that kind of money she should at least have a wing or the main gallery named after her. Some years ago we had a major renovation and expansion of the town library, at a price of several million dollars. At the dedication the head extravagantly praised the local philanthropist who donated $100,000, and named the new wing after him. The townspeople who voted the bonds for the rest of the money went unmentioned.

    JP: No, no, that’s not part of the deal. Daughter, you’ve still got some things to learn about this business.

    JP: And afterwards we’ll all shake hands, and then go back to the compound and have pancakes.

  141. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#134): Nah. The truth is that Carol is just a blob fish.

  142. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    CS: Josh, In another twenty years you’ll realize that “old” people don’t continue working just because of the money–though few people retire securely enough to do nothing for potentially thirty years. They work to have something to do, and to see faces beyond their own household. It’s harder than you might think to fill the day with those leisure activities that you looked forward to.

  143. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    JP – “I was ten feet from Katherine and Flacco. She had him almost ready to surrender in return for half of my diamonds. So I shot them both.”

  144. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#134): A3G: That’s good!

  145. Bill Ellis
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    “Mark, you’ve written many articles on poaching for the magazine. Your article on the West African Rhino becoming extinct due to poaching was good! Not great, not even ‘very good,’ but ‘good.’ All the rest of them were piles of steaming crap, though.”

  146. Andy
    June 4th, 2014 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Ellis (#145):

    “Your article on the West African Rhino becoming extinct due to poaching was good!”

    That’s because that’s the one I ghost-wrote for him!

    Also, woof!

  147. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#121): There’s a natural connection all right, but the curators missed it and got the pose wrong. Instead of on Daddy’s back, they should’ve all been tied to the track.

  148. Écureuil Écumant
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#141): Oh, fer cryin’ in a basket. “Ziggy” meets “Popeye”.

  149. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#75): Now, that’s an earworm that isn’t going away anytime soon :)

  150. Tophat
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    I like the wondrous expression on Lt. Fuzz’ face in panel two, like he has just spied something truly beautiful, like a unicorn or gryphon. “My God, that liver spot, that porno magazine he’s poorly concealing in those documents, that unruly mustache…. he’s hideous,” Lt. Fuzz murmurs under his breath. “I can’t look away. That glorious, horrible man.”

  151. Fashion Police
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    We note with mild disdain that all of the young men at the Milford prom seem to have forgotten their jackets. We would be fully justified in declaiming at length about the decline of civilization, but civilization has been in decline for so long that it is hardly worth the trouble. Being of the generation where prom-goers routinely wore fruit-colored ruffled shirts we can only say that going jacketless merely displays complete ignorance about style rather than a complete lack of taste. We suppose that civilization is in as good a hands as it ever was.

  152. Majicou
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    GA: I still feel that Boog should have his name on his shirt upside down, so he can read it (assuming he can read, anyway). These other kids have their names on the backs of their shirts, so I don’t know what the hell the point of that is.

    @Droopy Says (#3): You say the comic is uselessly sealed in plastic, but we may actually be getting to one of the big unanswered questions of this “storyline,” which is whether Funkette is trying to build a pristine collection of original issues (and then send them off to a war zone) or give her son something to read, in which case reprint collections would have been the way to go. Whatever the case, we can rest assured that Batiuk hasn’t given this nearly as much thought as we collectively have.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#16): O Discordia! If only someone could sidle up to the little melonhead and whisper in his ear: “Nineteen.”

  153. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    GA: I suppose many a parent has had to explain to their young son that the reason his friends tease him about having a “girl friend” is that they’re jealous. It’s not the sole reason, but it’s certainly the main one.

    GA: Boog is to be admired for not running away from a girl liking him. However, people being what they are, this means that he is no longer a challenge, and Charlotte will quickly become bored and look for someone new to beguile. Fortunately for Boog, cartoonists are not limited to the way people actually act.

  154. Voshkod
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#142): I think Josh is gambling on being assassinated by a hit squad of cartoonists before he gets old.

  155. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#152): Nineteen… ninety-nine.

  156. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#155): Or is it more like na-na-na-na-nineteen nineteen?

  157. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley-”Booger, why can’t you be like us and have a boyfriend?”

    Archie-I guess ‘Popeye’ doesn’t pay as much as it once did since Popeye has to moonlight in ‘Archie’.

  158. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-Right roast and not the neighbor’s baby that you were babysitting.

  159. Congo Bill Bailey
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Ripley’s: The world’s largest roll of toilet tissue weighs over 4,000 pounds and contains over 1,000,000 square feet of paper. It was made especially for the H. T. Horrible family of Stor Rumpe, Norway.

  160. gelded wildebeeste
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    GA: I am seriously hoping that the Boog/Charlotte storyline now becomes a Heathers remake, with Charlotte as Christian Slater.

  161. Frank Lee MeiDere
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#13): You’ve got to be Canadian, right?

  162. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    Hagar the Horrible-Now try it with a knife.

  163. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee MeiDere (#161): Close – I was born on Loring AFB in Limestone ME, which is to the north of both Quebec and Montreal.

    I’m not sure what that has to do with my respect for the kin of Ken Kensington of the Kensignton Kensigntons, however?

  164. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#102): I was sure somebody here would know. I miss our luncheons.

    @Rusty (#120): There’s a kind of sadness in the book, but I recommend it unreservedly. For me, this is one of the best comics I ever read. The storytelling is topnotch, with art that complements the narration and action perfectly, imparting visual testimony to the words in a way that makes it a textbook of how to do it without drawing attention to the fact you’re doing it. The story is compelling, not least just for the fact that it happened, but her lucid eyewitnessing of it brings it home to where it feels like an experience to me. I have a collection of her strips, and the follow-up to Fun Home, and though I’ll say those are well done, nothing else reached me so solidly. I read it first at a Barnes & Noble, setting up in a comfy chair and devouring the volume in one long sitting. In just about every panel, I find myself marveling at how apt the exact moment is that she chooses to show, how understated and perfect the acting is, and how she ties together recurrent threads and motifs.

  165. Dale
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @saluki (#27):


    Sometimes a “joke” is just an attempt at humor.

  166. Alison
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    “Rex Morgan”: If Dolly Pierpont is so important and gives so much money to the museum, why wouldn’t somebody think to tell her about Sarah BEFORE Sarah was hired and put on display? Mrs. Lanning deserves to get fired for this oversight, no matter how it turns out in the end.

    My guess for Mrs. Pierpont, if we see her, is that she will be an extremely crabby woman in a prim suit and a wide-brimmed hat, and everyone will hate her guts. No one will dare say, “She might have a point.” This strip is so biased towards the Morgans it couldn’t possibly go any other way.

    “Mary Worth”: “I’m making a new friend”, oh that’s vomit-inducing. And yay, people from New York! Mary can tell them all about how she went there and ate raspberry pizza fifty times. I’m sure they will be extremely interested! Also, she should let them know that it isn’t safe to wander around a park in NY by yourself, because some guy with a melting face might come and shove you.

  167. Dale
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#39):


    I keep asking:
    What insurance company would hand over $2M (or any number > 0) in cash just because someone claims he needs it to pay a ransom to pirates?

  168. Alison
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#28):
    Yes, I keep feeling like I’m missing something here. Somewhere where it was explained how this casual book deal become so incredibly important.

    It started as, “Oh, Sarah, it would be nice if you went home and drew some pictures and we could put them in a gift shop as a little souvenir book” then went to “Lawyers need to get involved because this is an important book that will make Sarah enough money to go to college” and now has become “Millions of dollars in donations depend on Sarah’s book and how cute she looks when we parade her around as a museum attraction”.


  169. KreatureFeatures
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: I’ve seen robots that converse more naturally.

  170. gelded wildebeeste
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    C-Shft: So Batiuk thinks it’s clever to call WalMart “Sprawl Mart” . Meh. It could be worse. The Pluggers that live around here still think it’s *hilarious* when you call it “Wally World”. It would be kind of sad, if it wasn’t so damn annoying. “I gotta go to Wally World! Jeff Dunham’s got a new DVD out!” Blech….

  171. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    MW-”I was meeting a new friend after you had my last friend sent to jail. It was all innocent fun between us. We were playing games in his hot and stuffy basement.”

  172. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#168): It is like a McEldowney plot, except that the inconsistencies and illogic don’t serve to maximize the sexy sex scenes but instead end up bestowing the maximum possible awards and adulation upon the Morgans.

    You could create the same effect via a “50 First Dates” scenario wherein the author wakes up each day remembering absolutely nothing about the story and has to create that day’s strip by reading the strip for the previous day and then consulting a one-line plot description. “Everyone in the universe falls all over themselves to praise and reward the Morgans” versus “All men are overgrown adolescents in thrall to sadistic, domineering women”.

  173. hogenmogen
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: So she’s fired if the largest donor doesn’t double her already substantial contribution? Knowing the way the Morgan story lines always end on an improbably happy ending, I’m guessing that upon seeing the sublime nascent talent of widdle Sawah, Mrs. Pierpont is going to triple her contribution. Not that this museum did anything to foster the young Morgan’s talent, but since they show her off in a cage like a painting monkey that she is, well, yeah, they’re worth every cent.

  174. greghousesgf
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#157): I’ve convinced for years that Beazly is Popeye’s long lost mom.

  175. Peanut Gallery
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#y250):

    I fucked an Eszett. — Johann Christoph Adelung

    //Yeah, yeah. look him up.

    “… he contributed greatly towards rectifying the orthography…”

    Until they caught him at it.

  176. Frank Lee MeiDere
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#78): Some good corollaries there. And you’re right about Pickles. It also subverts the male/female dynamic to a point in that the grandfather isn’t always the fool when the grandmother is around. The rich, on the other hand, are not only fools, but if we’re to believe most Law & Order and a host of other crime shows, they commit 90% of all murders.

  177. Frank Lee MeiDere
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#163): I had assumed you were making a pun on the King of Kensington, a relatively obscure Canadian show from the ’70s (and maybe on into the ’80s). Looking at your post now, however, I realize there are too many syllables in your wordplay, and had that been your intent, you probably would have written “the kin of Kensington.”

  178. Alter Ego
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Peanuts – And that was the day Charlie Brown learned about erections.

  179. Peanut Gallery
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#120): I second [Old Man] Muffaroo’s recommendation of Fun Home. It’s not like getting a new fix of Dykes to Watch Out For, but it is a masterfully (mistressfully?) polished version of the more serious side of what Bechdel has always done.

  180. JonBom
    June 4th, 2014 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: panel four, General Halftrack has a massive heart attack and dies

  181. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 4th, 2014 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee MeiDere (#177): So, you had a different ken for the kin of Ken Kensington?

  182. Odie Odo
    June 4th, 2014 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#76): Happy birthday to the worst thing that ever happened to Dick Tracy.

    Happy birthday, Miranda Rights!

    @Peanut Gallery (#175): “… he contributed greatly towards rectifying the orthography…”

    Rectify? He damn near KILLED it.

  183. sully
    June 4th, 2014 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    I have a serious question. Let’s pretend, for a moment, that I’m doing a Master’s thesis on the topic of: ‘Why the Fuck Does Any Newspaper Still Run ‘Crankshaft’?’
    Theory one: The title character represents the disappointment and unfulfilled dreams of a bitter generation that sees its own imminent demise. Theory two: Today’s readers are too busy on their iPhones to realize that the worst comic strip currently running (well, along with Funky Winderbean), still is? Theory three – The author of ‘Crankshaft’ has photos of every newspaper comics page editor in North America banging barn-yard animals?
    I look forward to your theories.

  184. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 4th, 2014 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#183): Since this is a Master’s thesis, you’ll need good, scholarly quotes. For an opposing viewpoint, you can always go with McEldowney calling the readership “beefwits”. That’ll go over well with your theoretical Review Committee.

  185. Shrug
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#166):

    According to AhClem last night, that guy has now moved to California:

    @AhClem (#y266):

    MW – “We’re from New York, where my husband works as an old-lady-pusher-downer in Central Park. And what do you do, Mary?”

    (I thought the mental image of AhClem’s line was too funny to leave withering on the end of yesterday’s threads…)

  186. Plugger Shrug of the Pluggerfolk
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @gelded wildebeeste (#170):

    Nothing new there. Me and my Pluggerly kin and neighbors have been saying “Monkey Ward” for “Montgomery Ward” since forever (and will no doubt keep on doing so until the cows come home, and unless the cows figure out how to find me in Minneapolis I won’t know even then so will probably continue).

  187. Shrug
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#178):

    So, who picked “Charlie Brown” in the “what comic strip character will display his/her O-face today” pool?

    (I got stuck with Old Capulet. I’m *never* going to win the internets.)

  188. Alison
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#185):
    That would be amazing! Especially if Ed had an axe to grind with a certain victim. “This one old lady, yeah, she pushed me back and screamed for help, and some has-been Broadway star run up and fought me off. Boy, if I ever find that lady again, I’m gonna make her pay!”

    Alas, no one in Mary’s life except the strip regulars (Wilbur, Toby, etc) ever shows up in more than one storyline. Mary meddles with them, she fixes the problem, they leave, Mary imagines their floating head above her OR they imagine Mary’s floating head above them, and that’s all folks. In real life, of course, people do things to stay in touch like get each others’ e-mail addresses or phone numbers, but this option doesn’t seem to exits in the Worthiverse.

  189. Alison
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#188):
    “exists”, not exits, in the Worthiverse.

    Poor sad Worthiverse.

  190. Alison
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#172):
    McEldowney is the guy who draws that “9 Chickweed” strip right? For a long time I got that one mixed up with “6 Chix”, the names are too damn similar. I’ve never read that one because it pisses me off so much that the author won’t allow comments on his work. That’s okay though, from the comments on this site, it sounds like I’m not missing much.

    I’d like the amnesia idea if it could somehow work out that the author forgot to make everybody kiss the Morgans’ asses. (Dolly Pierpont can’t be counted, because while it’s true she’s not kissing Morgan butt right now, I’m 100% sure she’ll show up at the museum and suddenly fall in love with Widdle Sarah and her art.)

  191. David
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    I don’t read Gasoline Alley much (ever). Is it supposed to be about the early years of the Big Boy mascot?

  192. Shrug
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @David (#191):

    GASOLINE ALLEY began as cave paintings at Lascaux; at that time it was appearing as GASOLINE ALLEY OOP.

  193. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-I did a Howdy Duty once in a Wal-Mart. I’m not allowed to go back.

  194. Steve
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    CS: If you’re angry and you know it, and you really want to show it,
    If you’re angry and you know it, make a pun.

  195. seismic-2
    June 4th, 2014 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    FC: When Bill puts on his glasses, Jeffy will finally be able to recognize just who he is. I hope Bill will somehow put on the “special glasses”, so that he will finally recognize Jeffy for just who he is, as Roddy Piper did in They Live. And let’s hope that when that happens, Bill is all out of chewing gum.

  196. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    MT – “Your article on the West African Black Rino was good. Anywhere, there’s a situation that’s come up over there that requires punching an unusually large number of bad guys and I don’t think our local man over there can handle it all by himself. How do you feel about wearing jewelry and spandex?”

  197. Illustrator Steve
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    MT – People throughout curmudgeon land are already placing bets against Mark making it back home from Africa before Cherry has the baby.

  198. Illustrator Steve
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#3):
    If Mark intends on getting into a punching match with the Phantom while he’s in Africa I would suggest that he have two personallized ring made for himself, one ring for each fist o justice ™. The rings should be made of solid gold with the raised outline of a flying goose wearing a gold leg band on the surface of each one. And of course he must bring Andy with him to fight off the Phantom’s wolf.

  199. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#183): My theory is that the publishers pay Batiuk what CS and FW are worth, rather than what the contract requires, and they pocket the difference. It’s not much but in a dying industry every penny counts. And Batiuk could sue, but the legal fees would cost him more than he could win. Besides, he’s scared the case could go up in front of Judge Judy, who would throw them all in jail for doing the strips.

  200. Illustrator Steve
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    MT – So, Mark stayed home for weeks this time before leaving but still didn’t bother to even think of repairing any of the fences Doc reminded him of at least three years ago.

  201. Mat
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Why did they actually move Shi Huangdi’s body around if nobody was going to be seeing it anyway?

  202. Illustrator Steve
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    MT – Cherry will be upset when Mark tells her Bill Ellis is sending him to Africa to see some woman named Sarhen Getty.

  203. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    C-Shaft: Oh well, Mustache Guy, it was worth a shot.

    FC: Bill is smiling because he’s a pair of contact lenses away from starting a new life.

    BB: I’m not sure why the general has Miss Buxley put up this blockade. I mean, he’s the least respected man in the army it would seem, and Peachfuzz is the only soldier who gives Amos Halftrack any reverence at all.

  204. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#153): Right now Boog is at the age where if he likes a girl, he’d dip her ponytail in an ink well (this is GA, after all). Meanwhile Charlotte is hanging out with Boog because we’re getting a story inspired by some old Hallmark movie: her brother has the hereditary disease of the week and all the ignorant townsfolk (it’s still GA, after all) think they can catch it from her. Boog is the only person who won’t run away from Charlotte, which means that he’s going to stand still for a wall of text on Jimmy’s condition (GA is turning into FW, and it serves Boog right).

  205. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    MT: I hadn’t realized that the Sunday features were supposed to represent Mark’s own articles. Now I expect Bill Ellis will say, “But that piece on seahorses made me highly uncomfortable.”

    MW: Ed’s shirt is so groovy I think it might actually have hallucinogenic properties. People’s exhibit A? He’s eagerly reaching for Mary’s “chicken salad appetizers.”

    Ziggy: “Funny? Goodness no! For the most part I’m the straight man for a succession of threatening minor authority figures and disgruntled animals.”

    JP: April and Abbott came close to filling each other with bullets but don’t actually do it, which means that someone just lost an office bet.

    RMMD: Is Woody Wilson pitching a spinoff strip? Patrician hardball in the halls of America’s dumber museums has storytelling potential.

    Momma: Francis and Sonia discover the most boring interdimensional portal in creation. The Time Bandits didn’t even put it on their map.

    H-Cliff: Because dogs have less narcissistic taste in motor scooters? Help me out here.

    SFx: As you can see, the Jurassic period was a real reptile-eat-reptile time, so it’s a good thing for that pterosaur that it can get its devil tail bitten off and go on its merry way.

    A3G: “Which is to say, she was a cult member and chickened out of the mass suicide at the last minute.”

  206. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#190):

    For a long time I got that one mixed up with “6 Chix”, the names are too damn similar.

    Augh. Don’t give him the idea of working the number 69 into his strip.

  207. Majicou
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @gelded wildebeeste (#170): Simpsons did it, of course, but the signage actually read “Sprawl*Mart (Not a Parody of Wal*Mart)”. That’s actually one of my favorite sign gags from the series, because it’s just so “eh, fuck it.” I don’t really get “Wally World,” seeing as it was Sam Walton, and I doubt all of those Pluggers happen to be huge National Lampoon’s Vacation fans.

  208. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @gelded wildebeeste (#170): “Sprawl-Mart” would be the obvious joke on Wal-Mart in any case. As it happens it’s been funny anyway, a decade ago when The Simpsons got to it.

  209. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#207): Damn. Great minds and all that.

  210. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @David (#191): Boog is Slim Skinner’s grandson, so it’s not out of the question.

  211. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#202):

    MT – Cherry will be upset when Mark tells her Bill Ellis is sending him to Africa to see some woman named Sarhen Getty.

    And then he’ll be sent to Italy to spend some relaxing time at Spa Getty.

  212. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    To me, that smile (and artfully held pillow) indicate that Daddy has just been interrupted by his melon-headed offspring near the end of a bout of vigorous morning sex, but mercifully not before he was able to climax.

  213. Frank Lee MeiDere
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#75): @Nehemiah Scudder (#214):

    Ever been cornered by someone who says, “I hear you’re very funny. Say something funny!”? I don’t know about you, but when that happens to me, my mind goes blank.

    This happened to me once when I started at a new company where a precious co-worker had already started working. On my first day someone walked up to me and said, “Previous Co-worker says you’re really funny. Say something funny.” In what I can only believe was a momentary inspiration from God I looked her straight in the eye, held out my hand and said, ‘I’m really happy to meet you.’” It took her a moment (keeping eye contact was key), but she then burst out laughing.

  214. Poteet
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#192): COTW nominee!

  215. merde
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    On Family Circus: apparently Jeffy doesn’t share my abject horror if I’d have stumbled into the bedroom while my dad was engaged in some rather graphic sexual role-playing with his pillow.

    On Funky Winkerbean: cue the porn music…or given who’s involved…cue the scorn music.

  216. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    Hazel: This can’t be a cartoon comic. There’s no celery sticking out the top of the grocery bags.

    Maybe that’s just as well. I don’t think I could handle Hazel losing her panties.

  217. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#174):

    That’s better than my theory of her being Popeye’s daughter.

  218. Liam
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#178):

    “It’s An Erection, Charlie Brown!”

  219. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    By the way, it’s Hug Your Cat Day!

    Don’t forget to grab your pussy and squeeze.

  220. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#75): How could I have suspected someone who denies being spontaneously funny of being the person who entered the same punchline over and over and over? Apologies.

    Accepted! You see, I knew once I explained the situation… wait, what?
    Goldarn you, Muffaroo! You are funning me, aren’t you?

  221. tallyHO
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#178):

    That’s the excitement to shame time lapse you’d expect in a classroom upon popping a boner.

    Now I’m wondering if tomorrow will bring Peppermint Patty asking him if he flipped out over her.

    And, then sadness will drape over the strip like a lead blanket.

    And, then Snoopy will dance through the strip celebrating suppertime!
    And, then more sadness as we realize Charlie Brown doesn’t know the Little Red Headed Girl is blind and arrogant.

    Oh, so it goes.

  222. UncleJeff
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#208): The one I actually liked better was “King of the Hill’s” MegaloMart.

  223. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#221):

    “Charlie Brown’s Boner” would make a great after school special.

  224. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee MeiDere (#213): That’s damn near as good as “underpants”!

  225. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Crankshaft can work at this Walmart.

  226. Albert
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#224): And either of those is better than my go-to of “Something funny”.

  227. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#205): Actually, according to April and Abbott’s family tradition, if they both shoot each other at the same time, the first one to say “Zilch!” is entitled to a free Coke from the other.

  228. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#223): Actually, they did make such a program but it was only broadcast in Scandanavia, with English subtitles.

  229. cheech wizard
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y214): I read somewhere that the correct response to “say something funny” is to shout the word “underpants”.

    I’ve always thought the best response is “no!”

  230. Sequitur
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#228):

    Oh, yeah. Here’s a scene from that production.

  231. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#229): Which brings up the time a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, and said that she had bet her friend that she could get him to say more than two words. He looked at her, and responded, “You lose.”

  232. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#40): “Two-way wrist radio” is not a euphemism I’m familiar with, which is probably for the best.

  233. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    GA: I looked at the last couple days. That’s an interesting school. It provides its students with ipads or something similar, and feeds them hamburgers and chips. I’m pretty sure that I was never served a hamburger in grade school or high school. It was always a regular meal. Eat it, or do without.

    GA: I also saw the Orphan Annie girl, one with Margaret’s face, and one of the Beavis and Butthead duo. (I can’t be bothered to know which is which.)

  234. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#229): I’ve never needed a response to that question. For some reason nobody ever asks. Go figure.

  235. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    Peanuts: Nothing good, I can assure you. Knocked to the floor, sent to the principal’s office, expelled. . . All of the above.

  236. walt d
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#233): Continuation of the school lunch thing. Obviously we were served meat patties in various forms, always with starch and vegetable. I suspect that what makes a hamburger a hamburger is the bun. Out here in flyover country most people made their sandwiches with ordinary sliced bread. You had to go to a café to get one with a bun. That may have been part of the appeal when the fast food places opened.

  237. demoncat_4
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    mw we have heard so much about you and had to come meet you in person and start worshiping you . rmmd miss lanning should not have to worry should the million not come through she can just get a job as sarahs private teacher or nanny

  238. Frank Lee MeiDere
    June 4th, 2014 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#181): Now my tongue hurts.

  239. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#222): Can’t beat a big box store with Chuck Mangione living in the walls.

    @cheech wizard (#227): I’m hoping to see that before this story is out.

  240. Huckleberry Fink
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: It’s funny because Naked Birdman (a/k/a “Shoe”) had an erection with a bunch of people watching.

  241. Poteet
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    JP: “Oh, c’mon, Dad, we’ve never had a drunken filthy-rich ditsydoodle doing our negotiating for us. How bad could it be?”

  242. Huckleberry Fink
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    Mother Goose: Fortunately, Attila can’t see Ralph sniffing Grimmy’s butt from inside the house.

  243. Droopy Says
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Evolution doesn’t work that way. But, what the hell, I really look forward to seeing how the modern crime-fighter uses Lunarian powers to fight mutant racketeers while juggling their impact on his conflicted family life. Dick Tracy being what it is, I’m sure there will be no legal problems over freezing people with your hypnotronic rays, or using telepathy to invade the privacy of their thoughts.

  244. Huckleberry Fink
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers… don’t mind eating their wife’s relatives.

    Blondie: Dagwood can’t stay awake during sex with Blondie.

  245. Snarky Parker
    June 4th, 2014 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#240):

    I’ve done a lot of bird watching in my time, and I’ve never seen one with an erection.

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