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Wednesday quickies

Archie, 9/30/09

I’m all in favor of comically over-exaggerated gestures, and thus I approve of Reggie facepalming in reaction to Jughead’s cheerfully open Jason Blairing. Still, I’m a little concerned about the massive wind-up he took on it. Note the shockwaves radiating from the beleaguered egotist’s face; that’s going to bruise, I’m afraid.

Crock, 9/30/09

Since I’m always quick to mock the syndicate colorists for blatantly ignoring in-strip coloring cues, I feel obliged to give them kudos for their work here. Grossie is being praised for her “new dress,” despite the fact that, in black and white, she’d appear to be wearing the exact same niqab-esque thing she always wears. At least the colorists have ensured that today she appears to be wearing a sort of hideous lilac shade instead of her usual unflattering safety orange.

Family Circus, 9/30/09

Well, it appears that we are going to be subjected to Jeffy’s intermittent pantslessness and naked ass more or less indefinitely. If only the monsters responsible would just let us know what their demands are so that we could agree to them immediately, no matter how humiliating!

Luann, 9/30/09

You know, say what you will about the Brad-Toni storyline in Luann, but at least when I encounter it I know what to feel (revulsion). I admit to having no idea what to make of the Elwood thing, which is … storytelling, of a kind, I suppose? Is “bafflement” sort of like “involvement”? I’m not even firm on how old the supposed millionaire is supposed to be; as originally introduced, I think he was supposed to be in high school with the other characters, but now he’s … not? Anyway, I can see two reasons why Elwood would allow the sixteen-year-old object of his misguided affections keep the big honkin’ diamond he wooed her with: either he really is as rich as all that, or it’s a tiny camera with a wireless transmitter and his long-running plan is finally coming to fruition.

Marmaduke, 9/30/09

“In related news, our dog is a terrible four-tongued demon-thing!”

I’ve posted about this before, but I’ve been receiving a flurry of emails about it, so: Yes, there’s a Marmaduke movie in the works. Yes, Fergie and Jeremy Piven are in the cast. Yes, it will be rated NC-17, for the most horrifying violence ever depicted on screen.

Marvin, 9/30/09

I’m not sure I approve of S&M overtones in strips involving babies, but if in the end Marvin gets punished, I guess I can’t complain too much.

Spider-Man, 9/30/09

Dear Spider-Man-reading public eagerly awaiting another instance in which this strip’s hero, who is ostensibly endowed with “spider-sense” that “tingles” at the approach of danger, is nevertheless bashed in the back of the head by an entirely non-super-powered adversary, such as a bowler-cap-wearing manservant or a brick: today is your lucky day.

296 responses to “Wednesday quickies”

  1. Kinghasnoclothes
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Marm–Three seconds–I thought it was two seconds.

  2. Digger
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    I’ve noticed Jeffy’s clothes sitting on the floor in the bathroom. He obviously has given up on wearing them since his entire naked body was encrusted in filth. I guess Thel put them there, as she’s still clinging to the delusion that her little streaker may one day put them on and be considered “normal” by society. Keep on dreaming, Thel.

  3. Calico
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    Hi Josh – would that be Jeremy Piven? : )

    In unrelated news, I received my Margo bracelet! I love it, and will worship The Margo always and forever more! Thank you!

    (On the Scoville unit scale, I think our Queen M would register at least a 100,000, if that is actually possible.)

  4. Jesse C
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    I was reading the paper on the ferry this morning and burst in to laughter just thinking about what Josh would say about Naked Jeffy Ass.

  5. Mibbitmaker
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    Maimaduke: But I thought they already made “Cujo”.

    btw, I counted 6 tongues. YECCCHH!

  6. Steve S
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    The scary part is that it’s actually Jeffy’s upper half that’s finished with the bath. They just have to get his lower half properly smeared so he can join the hunt for Piggy and Ralph.

  7. kumquat
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    A possible third reason the millionaire gnome would let Luann keep the ring: it’s a fake diamond that cost forty bucks. It’s not like an average middle-class high-school girl is going to be able to tell the difference.

  8. Chyron HR
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Ha, ha, yeah, Bernice, that Elwood sure is a little creep. By the way, what happened to that college student you proposed to a few years back?

  9. Vic
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    When I saw naked Jeffy my first thought was, “Augh! He’s got back hair! *claws eyes*”

    As for Reggie winding up, it might be an improvement.

  10. Jim, Just Jim
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    Big Shot is not going to be happy. Henchman #2 may have “got ‘im” but in the process he’s severely damaged the crust of that baguette.

  11. Larry Fine
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    That horrible noise you heard this morning was the comics readers of America, collectively throwing up at the spectacle in today’s Family Circus.

    Let this convince any remaining doubters: BIL KEANE MUST DIE!!!

  12. Snoops
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Fergie AND Jeremy Piven? Why, if that’s not an A-list cast I don’t know what is. Although it’ll pale in comparison to the upcoming Family Circus movie starring Corey Feldman as Billy, Seth Rogen as Jeffy and Danny DeVito as Dolly.

  13. Esther Blodgett
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    S-M: I guess I’ve read too many comics from the back room of the comic book store in my time, but “Unnnhhh!” is not a sound effect I associate with getting hit on the back of the head. Or with Spider-Man, for that matter.

  14. Baron Bizarre
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    FC: Yeah, Jeffy does sort of have that “Unholy offspring of George ‘The Animal’ Steele and a Troll doll” look, doesn’t he?

  15. Josh
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    #3 Calico — Oops! I fixed.

    Josh

  16. cvk
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    That drawing of Marmaduke is going to give me nightmares, I just know it.

  17. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    y229 hogenmogen,
    When you gave us this excerpt:

    Watch intense mountains of white hot steaming goo shoot into hair, on to faces and all over waaay wicked sets of tits! It’s Splash Face Volume 5!

    I initially thought “faces” read “feces.” The real scary thing is that I wasn’t that surprised.

  18. Red Greenback
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    I only read Family Circus for the captions.

  19. Larry Fine
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    If the upcoming Marmaduke movie produces any laughs, that’ll put it one up on the comic strip.

  20. Josh
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    #17/y229 re: porn catalogs: A friend of mine used to get these catalogs (addressed to the previous tenant, I swear!) that consisted of nothing but dozens of ads for various 1-900 sex lines (which probably were all run by the same company). Anyway, the good 1-900 numbers that spelled out dirty words had clearly been taken years ago, because these spelled out dirty words that didn’t really go together, like 1-900-FUCK-NIP or 1-900-ASS-BUTT. They endlessly amused us.

    Josh

  21. yellojkt
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    I also love the random disproportionate spider strength. Spidey is strong enough to bend gun barrels, a skill normally reserved for Kryptonians, but a tap with a wood cudgel is enough to make him fold like broken camp chair.

  22. mkilby
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    I learned the “rule” as being FIVE seconds, but that was because my informant was a waiter in a restaurant. Needless to say, I never ate in the restaurant he worked in.

  23. Jimmyleg Jehoseophat
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Luann has reached the final stage of institutionalized self-loathing: Luann internalizes the historically recent notion that whoever desires to wed her at 16 her is evil.

  24. yellojkt
    September 30th, 2009 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Marvin’s babysitter tonight is Abby trying to make ends meet on her crappy NCIS salary.

  25. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    Yes, it will be rated NC-17, for the most horrifying violence ever depicted on screen.

    The unrated DVD edition will have the sex scenes.

  26. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    #18 Red Greenback – COTW nominee!

  27. zerowolf
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    Ok, who didn’t see that coming, well other than Spiderman?

  28. thatquietkid
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    It doesn’t matter if Jeffy’s bath is finished seeing as the filth of repeatedly appearing naked in a child’s comic strip will never wash off.

  29. Steleru
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Spidey! How can anyone respect a superhero who can be knocked unconscious by an extremely stale loaf of French bread?

  30. Father McKenzie
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Well, it’s nice to see that Sarah Palin got a job as a nurse in the Santa Royale hospital.

  31. Doug W
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Wow, who knew the creators of Marmaduke were Lovecraft fans? Appropriately enough, if I stare too long at the Marmaduthulu they’ve drawn up there, I can feel my sanity start to dissipate.

  32. NoahSnark
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    Lucretia has the potential to be Marvin’s career counselor. With his talent for making guano all he needs to do is learn how to hang upside down from the roof of a cave.

  33. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I count five or six tongues.

  34. Nekrotzar
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    My first thought re: Marvin was that no responsible parent would allow a stranger who claims to be filling in for the regular baby sitter to be left alone with the child (even if the claim turns out to be true).

    But then I realized that any responsible human being would have bound Marvin in duct tape and buried him in consecrated ground long ago, so this is par for the course.

  35. Daveh
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    The scary part is that Jeffy probably drew this one. Is he telling everyone how often he runs around pantsless, or is he remembering the only time in his life when he really enjoyed his unencumberd freedom?

  36. Dr. Weird
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Y233 TheDiva says:

    “FW: I for one will be disappointed if this storyline doesn’t end in a Columbine-style shooting.”

    I’ll bet Les’s old hall monitor machine gun is stored somewhere on the campus. Les will come across it and wistfully think back to his high school days before moving away. Then the last panel will feature… Cory, maybe, coming across it and smiling wickedly.

    After that, there will be talk about an “incident,” vague references to “how could he?!” and more teasing to make you wonder if the school was shot up or not.

  37. mr 12 oz can
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    why does mark trail put a hat on to drink coffee and why is the no sideburns poacher standing in the swamp only andy can save this storyline.

  38. Dr. Novakaine
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    I imagine whatever foul mind spawned Marvin intended for us to view the over-pierced collar-wearing goth girl as something freakish and reprehensible, but it thwarted itself in the third panel by showing she is an astute judge of character and intends to end the threat of Marvin at least temporarily. Each of those piercings must be a medal of courage or something.

  39. Girl Reporter
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    Wow. I reeeeeeaaaaaalllllly dislike Jeremy Piven. What fabulous casting! It will be so much better if they use a real dog and not special effects.

  40. Wave Man
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who finds Lucretia kind of hot? I’d read Marvin everyday if it consisted of nothing but her and a final panel of Marvin and his parents with looks of wide-eyed horror on their faces. They could also be in cages. Maybe with urine-soaked dog suits.

    I think the back view of pantsless Jeffy is a preview of what she will see on her wedding night with Elwood. Only there will be more pomade.

    Do the characters in Marmaduke look more well drawn to anyone else>

  41. Girl Reporter
    September 30th, 2009 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    I mean the Karma will be so much better, not the movie.

  42. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    #40 – You’ll notice the relatively recent addition of “Paul &” to the “Brad Anderson” at the bottom of the Marmaduke, which accounts for the less-shaky drawing lately.

  43. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    Now I’m kind of torn because there’s no way in hell I’m going to see any Marmaduke movie, but if there’s even an outside chance of seeing Fergie devoured (or, you know, whatevered) by a large, sleek, fanged carnivore… damn. Dilemma.

  44. Gal Friday
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    SM: Spidey sense is no match for John Glover with a baguette.

  45. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    #40 Wave Man – Eh, I find her kinda poorly-drawn, but she’s by far the most wholesome creature to ever appear in Marvin. Let’s just pray that she makes it out alive.

  46. Chromium
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    Those aren’t shockwaves, they’re blurred images of the back of his hand as it picks up speed.

  47. Chromium
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    …and if there’s a technical term for the above, it escapes me.

  48. Joe Blevins
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Things to Dig About These Funnies

    ARCHIE: Dig how Archie is desperately trying to earn his keep, even when he’s demoted to a background character in his own strip. First, shrinking away from Jughead’s story as if it might be made of plutonium. And then fake-laughing at the non-punchline. “Oh, Jughead, you and your story-making-up ways! You slay me!”

    MARVIN: Dig how “raising bats” is what the author of Marvin thinks that goths do. Or how Lucretia (bet that’s not her real name) is so desperate for an identity — hence the hey-world-look-at-me Suicide Girls get-up — that she mentions the bat-raising thing right away without being asked.

    S-M: Dig how Peter Parker is being brained with what looks like a party sub.

  49. bats :[
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    37. mr 12 oz can: so many questions, so few answers.

  50. Uncle Lumpy
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    #42 O-e W:

    Yeah, and I can’t wait until their Zip-a-Tone® runs out. Word on the street is McEldowney’s hoarding it.

  51. Alfred E. Neuman
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Marvin— Is it possible that today’s strip is a shout-out to one of our favorite ‘Mudges?

  52. Emily K [RiffChick]
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Jeffy was hazed this week by the senior class at Westview High. I can’t tell if it’s a crueler thing to visit Funky Winkerbean or to be visited upon by Family Circus. Either way, everyone ends up a glutton for a variety of punishments.

  53. buckyswife
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    y116 AeroSquid: “You’ve confirmed my suspicions that most mudger’s (like me) are drunk as balls when posting here. =D”

    Actually, I’ve never committed an SWI (Snarking While Intoxicated). I mean, given what I’ve posted here when I’m not drunk—I’m sort of frightened of what I might say after a few drinks!

    But clearly I’m on the wrong thread here; this is now the porn discussion.

  54. Emily K [RiffChick]
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Jeffy was hazed this week by the senior class at Westview High. I can’t tell if it’s a crueler thing to visit Funky Winkerbean or to be visited upon by Family Circus. Either way, it looks like everyone ends up a glutton for several kinds of punishment.

  55. It's time to pay the price
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    Did you hear that Jeffy’s become a serial killer? With every new victim he carves another notch into his torso.

  56. Emily K [RiffChick]
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    odd that it got double posted. sorry, mods. delete one, pl0x… *hides head in sand*

  57. Twisted_Colour
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    Is Jughead really Rush Limbaugh?

    It would be wrong not to speculate.

  58. Ignatz
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if Jeff Keane is in therapy, exploring his apparent need to show the world his alter-ego’s naked heiny?

  59. Goalielocks
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    So Jeffy has Congenital Generalized Hypertrichosis and must bathe in nair to appear as a presentable to rare visitors to the Keane Compound.

  60. DaveyK
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    I defy you to name anything more super-powery than being able to wield a Shillelagh, look like David Niven with a 70′s haircut, and use Stevedore lingo all at the same time.

  61. Carol the anti-Luann
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    What kind of parents let a troll drag their daughter to an undisclosed location to get diamonte rings?

    TJ is starting to seem appealing to me, compared to everyone else in the strip.

  62. perchingpath
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    It’s a little-known fact that spider-sense does not detect threats from entities beginning with “br-”, such as bread, bricks, and British-looking dudes.

    More disturbingly, was Marvin’s writer/perpetrator a goth back in the eighties (see this)? ’cause the alternative is that they’re capable of cursory online research, which we all know is impossible.

  63. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Josh @ this thread’s ubersnark wrote:

    Dear Spider-Man-reading public eagerly awaiting another instance in which this strip’s hero, who is ostensibly endowed with “spider-sense” that “tingles” at the approach of danger, is nevertheless bashed in the back of the head by an entirely non-super-powered adversary, such as a bowler-cap-wearing manservant or a brick: today is your lucky day.

    Ahem. I’ll have you know I am most definitively a super-powered brick, thank you very much.

  64. Jason D.
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    #57 – More likely Glenn Beck.

    Today’s “Marmaduke” confirms what I’ve always suspected: Marm is the unholy offspring of a night of passion between Cerberus & Cthulhu.

  65. druidbros
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    MW – Oh noes SOMETHING happened, but not for three or four more days.

    Archie – I dont see why they think its different than other media outlets.

  66. Simon
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is it too much to ask that there will be a bullet hole right between the eyes of the photograph of Adrian?

  67. Alan's Addiction
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    What’s really intriguing about Reggie’s reaction to Jughead is that he’s acting surprised about Jughead’s stupidity, despite Jughead’s name and thirty-year track record in that department. Reggie, you can look surprised when Jughead does something competent. Also, I’m curious about Jughead’s claim on a story that “no one else has.” Unless I’m mistaken, most high schools only have one paper per school, and even that’s usually only to justify some meager “Journalism” elective. Unless the Goths have started their own underground paper.
    The second panel of today’s “Crock” is absolutely the most terrifying thing I’ve seen this week. It looks like someone put feet and eyes on a blob of jello. I suspect this image was inspired by a bad case of the DTs.
    I suspect that the artists of “Family Circus” are only able to draw children of freakish and frightening proportions, because even though his head looks semi-normal in this, his backside is the most horrifically-oversized piece of anatomy I’ve seen yet.
    I would like to ask Elwood who, outside of Hootin Holler, gets married at age sixteen.
    I quite like today’s “Marmaduke;” I like to think that he’s trying to devour Cthulu, which I’d actually like to see. I’m sure that right-thinking people everywhere would be fascinated by the outcome of a death-match between a murderous, over-sized, rage-filled hell-hound and an eldritch dark god.
    I approve of the baby sitter in “Marvin.” She’s actually much more lenient that I’d be, after years of horrible excrement-based jokes, I’d keep the little bugger in a dungeon.
    It seems very odd to me that a superhero physically strong enough to bend a gun into putty, as Spider-Man does, also goes down with a single blow from a man with a baguette.

  68. Thorzul
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    FC: Looks like Bil’s dogfighting ring finally spilled over into the domestic utopia he calls home. Closer analysis reveals no fewer than three distinct scratch patterns on Jeffy’s face, upper arms, and torso. Forensic evidence will eventually finger Barfy and Sam as culprits. So what other K-9 does Thel not know about? As least this will explain why all of PJ’s onesies are paid for in straight cash.

  69. fishmorgjp
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    A Marmaduke movie? Wow, you know that it’ll be as engaging and hilarious as those two CG Garfield flicks!

    And, ahh, Spider-Man… fights crime with his super senses and abilities, almost invincible unless you sneak up on him with a big honkin’ tree branch.

  70. Erin
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    Elwood’s let her keep the ring to “claim his territory.” I hate that little gnome.

  71. MissKitty
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    Very rarely do I LOL at any current comic, but today’s Spiderman is excellent. All smug, then brained with a baguette.
    Also, Comment 66: COTW nominee

  72. Écureuil Écumant
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    FC: Yeah, Jeffy, I think Dolly picking you up by those hypertrophied heels and giving you a swirlie in a bowl full of floaters is all the bath you really need.

  73. Écureuil Écumant
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    71 MissKitty on S-M: “All smug, then brained with a baguette.”

    Yeah, I’m disappointed that dapper, continental-looking breadbasher isn’t quite as quick with a quip as he is with his baguette: “Spider-Man, now you can think with your spinnerets!”

  74. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    Between all the abominations featured above and today’s Gasoline Alley I felt Western Civilisation die.

  75. Vince M
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    S-M: “You, sir, have been trounced by Doctor Orpheus and his QUIZNO’S PARTY SUB!!!” [overly dramatic music]

  76. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Family Circus cleaned up for the squeamish:

    http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3461/3969858719_760e4ca50c_o.jpg

  77. JP (not Judge Parker)
    September 30th, 2009 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Wait, did Elwood just pull a Scott (from Mary Worth)? “Hold on to this ring. When you feel ready, you can wear it!” Does that mean that Elwood will be gunned down by heroin dealers? PLEASE?

  78. Perky Bird
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    We’re all assuming that the engagement ring is in that box. Maybe it’s really Elwood’s left testicle. He gave it to Luann, thereby turning his groin into a macabre version of those you-keep-one-half-I’ll-keep-the-other “Best Friend” locket necklaces.

  79. Mars
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Note to Lynn Johnston: giving a first-grader a long-winded paragraph of dialogue does not sound natural, even IF you pepper said paragraph with “an” in every place that “and” should be.

  80. shermy glamrocker
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    # 22 mkilby says:
    I learned the “rule” as being FIVE seconds, but that was because my informant was a waiter in a restaurant. Needless to say, I never ate in the restaurant he worked in.

    I generally follow a five-seconds rule in my home, but in restaurants, I strictly abide by a no-seconds rule. But not “no seconds” as in an all-you-can-eat buffet situation.

  81. Perky Bird
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Seeing all those squirming things coming out of Marmaduke’s mouth, I can only assume that the boy’s ice cream cone was filled not with ice cream but with live eels.

  82. Gyro Captain
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    No comment from Josh on today’s Ballard Street? It’s a return to the “elderly man doing something vaguely canine related with specialized objects” theme like the one with the horn.

    Oh yeah, and it’s weird.

  83. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    #79 Mars – *checks FOOB* …dear God. Does Lynn really not realize how absurdly ham-handed she’s being in her re-write-ret-con-what-the-hell-ever-ing? You can practically see her frantically scribbling over the old strips with a Sharpie so that nobody will ever see them.

  84. LUJBEM FEJF
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    FC-I assume the fine folks selling newspapers at Walmart have alerted the authorities to the Keane family’s photographic perversions and will have the children removed immediately. I believe Billy, having recently turned to crime (see Lio), will remain in Juvee. Dolly seems destine to spend the rest of her life living with Cathy. Jeffy, obviously will become the ward of his Uncle Ziggy. And PJ, well I don’t think they can place him. So he’ll just probably be eaten by Bob the Crocodile.

  85. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    #82 Gyro Captain – Wow. Not as marvelously surreal as the one with the horn, but far more unsettling. Is this a running theme for Ballard Street?

  86. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    MW:

    “Adrian…can I talk to you ?”

    “Why ? What’s the matter ?”

    “I’m sorry to tell you this…we’ve run out of donated cadavers for you to practice doing whatever it is you’re doing here. You just stuck those IV’s anywhere, did’nt you ?”

    “Oh, no. I was so close to finding that rascally uvula thingy.”

    “Oh well…*Ringalingading* Hello ? Really ? That’s great news !”

    “What ? What ?”

    “Got a warm one coming at ya !”

    “Yayyyy !”

  87. Farley's Revenge
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    For the record, I have never posted here nor anywhere drunk. Not because it wouldn’t appeal to me but because I have not tolerance for alcohol. It’s difficult to type on a keyboard whilst face down and drooling on the keys.

    Thinking of catalogues that might contain porn: I was visiting an aunt and she received one of those catalogues aimed at a decidedly elderly demographic. I leafed through the catalogue, past pages of clothes that snapped, walker accessories, and other such interesting items, until I came to a section that might make Dingo sit up and go “DAYUM!” Page after page of industrial strength sex-enhancing equipment. Vibrators. Suction devices. Vitamins guaranteed to “get it up”. Each item came with a to-the-point description and a statement along the lines of “to heighten the sensation.” It was like I’d wandered into a geriatric sex shop.

    My aunt had no idea the catalogue contained such things. She tended to get it and put in on her coffee table like it was the Ladies’ Home Journal so visitors would have something to read.

  88. sugarpie
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke When I read this post I decided it was some sort of east coast humor thing; that no way would anyonefor any reason, make a movie about Marmaduke. I mean, why not a movie about The Dinette Set or The Quigmans? Or Freddy the Flatworm and his comic sidekick Clarence the Crabl Louse. Following the link, I now know it is, horrifyingly enough, true.

    Unless they can get Tyler Perry to direct, this looms as the comic pages’ answer to Snow Dogs Water World.

  89. sugarpie
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Wait, what’s this button down here that says ‘Preview’?

  90. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    BB Buxday: OW ! OW !!!!! Nothing says ‘Happy Birthday’ like the gift of meat balls nailed to a baking pan. OW!!!

    And now a song from Isaac ‘Chef’ Hayes:

    Say everybody have you seen my balls
    they’re big and salty and brown.
    If you ever need a quick pick me up
    just stick my balls in your mouth.

    Oooo suck on my chocolate salted balls
    stick em in your mouth, and suck em!
    Suck on my chocolate salted balls,
    they’re packed full of vitamins, and good for you.
    So suck on my balls.

  91. Tilaney
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    It’s possible that Jeffy knows everyone hates him so he refuses to let his upper half under water. That way there’s no risk of any accidental drowning one might expect when a child is left unattended in the tub like he is.

  92. Uncle Balustrade
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Those motion lines rather closely resemble the criss-cross lines on the sides of Archie’s head. Not even Kurtzman or Elder ever settled this issue, btw.

  93. Galevav
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    There’s porn in them thar hills.

  94. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    87. Farley’s Revenge: That reminds of the time my Grandmother and I were walking through a mall in Boyton Beach back in 1977 and she spotted a t-shirt of a cartoon cat squeezed into a transparent jug. The caption read ‘Happiness is Tight Pussy.’ And yes….she said…very loudly: “Oh, how cute ! HAPPINESS… IS …A… TIGHT …PUSSY. ” I never went to the mall with my grandmother again….well once….The Boca Head Shop….”Can you buy me this, Grandma ?”

  95. Graddy
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @62: Excellent observation. Looking forward to when Spidey is subdued by a light breeze.

  96. Lisa
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    RE Foob, I was wondering the same thing. First time through, Deanna disappeared from the strip, as in moved away, and didn’t show up again until she was in the accident, and she and Mike connected. So, now LJ is rewriting it so that Deanna is there the whole time?

    Why doesn’t she just write another strip entirely?

  97. queek
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    21: Spidy’s defense is not being hit, due to his “Spider Sense” and Amazing Agility. He doesn’t have any sort of invulnerability or anything along those lines. He does have low-level super strength, but as far as toughness goes, he’s not much above human normal. Sadly, the comic strip version seems to have dropped his Danger Spider Sense and his levels in Dodge and DCV “not being hit.”

  98. Johnny Knuckles
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    What did the Marmaduke kid drop, a live squid?

  99. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    Wait until Marmaduke discovers that he has eaten one the bless-ed spawn of Chtutlu.

  100. Joe Btfsplk
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Marm – Marmaduke has never manifested multiple tongues before, at least not to my knowledge. Therefore I must conclude that the things flopping out of his mouth are in fact what he snarfed up off of the floor. Someone gave that kid a cone full of live eels instead of ice cream! Ha ha! I get the joke now! HA ha hahaha!

    Spide – Yeah, but remember, it’s a super-baguette.

    So now the eye-holes on his mask can close too, along with his real eyes? When did he do that upgrade?

  101. kviri
    September 30th, 2009 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    Thanks to Josh, I’ve managed to construct my favorite Spider-Man comic ever. I’d enjoy a month-long story arc just like it.

    (And I accidentally posted this in the 3/14/07 thread on my first attempt. Whoops. Go, me.)

  102. bunivasal
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    Jeffy was initially set to star in Memento, but as soon as he removed his pants the tattoo artist gouged his own eyes out.

  103. commodorejohn
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    #101 kviri – You win.

  104. Nekrotzar
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    #94 Aerosquid –
    Once when I was around 12 I went to my grandmother’s house, and she and two elderly cousins were watching Cheech and Chong’s First Movie. I assumed they had no idea what they were watching until one of the cousins whispered to my conspiratorially, ‘This is hilarious – that truck is made entirely of marijuana!”

  105. KarMann
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    So where’s Don Pardo, to tell kviri just what s/he won? (Could it be an Internet?)

  106. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    105. Nekrotzar. They were obviously ‘Flapper’ girls back in the days before it became illegal. =D

  107. Carly
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    You know that naked in school dream? I’m thinking Jef Keane doesn’t have that, since he keeps drawing his naked ass in a strip that the whole country has to suffer through. Too bad for us.

  108. Crankenstank
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    Ooooooooh, that’s my Spider Sense tingling!! YES!! YES YESSS!!!!

  109. Nekrotzar
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    #100 Joe Btfsplk –
    Maybe the eye holes are like the peril-detecting glasses in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

  110. Nekrotzar
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    #106 –
    So not. My grandmother was horrified when my mother joined the peace corps because it was too left-wing-y.

  111. Muffaroo
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Calico @y186 – You like the Grateful Dead? Good old Archive.org probably has your concert — This page has a link to almost 7,000 Grateful Dead shows (I gave the link to browse bands, because somebody might like to see who else they have).

    Dingo @y195 – By coincidence, I was thinking today of my great melodramatic Spanish narrator voice. I used to imitate some of the Mexican radio stations I’d hear at night (“Eso es EQUIS E PE ELE… RadiO del MUN-do!”) and when I was working in the foreign language department, some students were doing a soap opera, and I got to read the announcer parts. Muy macho.

    Niall @y200 – I used to wish that Tex Avery had done just one porno cartoon. One of the ‘travelog’ types, with the announcer calling the vignettes. Modesty prevents me from describing it here.

    Rex Morgan’s nostril shots are a pale shadow of Gil Kane’s nostril shots. Just had to say that.

  112. KarMann
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar #109: You mean the Joo-Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. And yes, I didn’t need to refer to anything for that, why do you ask?

  113. Muffaroo
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Dingo @y210 – A friend and I went to a ‘special preview’ of Pocahontas near where we lived in Virginia — not far from Jamestown, in Ms. Hontas’s old stomping ground. It was billed as a 45-minute presentation, which I deduced would be a five-minute preview and a 40-minute talk on the many uses of corn. I was pretty close. They showed slides, and Glen Keane talked about how they came out to Jamestown and looked at Virginia and decided that, visually, it was a land of… horizontals and verticals! Then we had the five-minute preview, and answered a couple of questions, then signed autographs. I stuck my nose in as Keane was signing something and asked (already fairly sure of the answer) if any of the Keane kids had ever had anything to do with the ‘Billy Fills In’ strips. He said that Bil always regarded those as the hardest to draw. I hit the bathroom before we hit the road and admired the horizontals and verticals in the tiling.

    bats :[ @y218 – You’ll note that the blobfish doesn’t wear pants either.

    mkilby @22 – I don’t have a rule for food on the floor. It hits the floor, it’s no longer food. But Julia Child was once asked what you do when the turkey you’ve been cooking all day falls on the floor just as you’re about to serve it, and her answer was, “That’s when you whisk it back onto the tray and say, ‘Well, thank goodness there’s that other one back in the kitchen!’”

    So I wouldn’t do it, but one of my heroes would.

    Simon @66 – Special Genius Award from me. (Note: Award is not affiliated with “Josh” or “The Comics Curmudgeon.” Just me.)

  114. mollificent
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Y181 Dingo re: “The forcible ejection of tea”: Or a song by one of those bands. Wonder if it would scan with “Total Eclipse of the Heart”?

    (Related: Has anyone seen the “Total Eclipse: Literal Video Version” on Youtube?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

    Completely hilarious. They even have a karaoke version without the lead vocal. I was sorely tempted to download it and add my own…but somehow resisted. ;))

  115. Esther Blodgett
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    #111 Muffaroo: Oh, like I need “Mexican Radio” playing in my head all night. On the other hand, before reading your comment my mind had been inexplicably fixating on the phrase “Jeffy Got Back,” as in “I like Keane butts and I cannot lie…” So I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you and God bless.

  116. AeroSquid
    September 30th, 2009 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    I found “The Forcible Ejection of Tea” on the internets:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsSjgsUFfeY

  117. fnord3125
    September 30th, 2009 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    though i don’t blame you for not looking too closely, Josh, there are clearly AT LEAST five tongues in Marmaduke’s mouth.

    also, since when is spider-man strong enough to bend a gun like that? and wouldn’t the metal probably just break and snap rather than bending?

  118. Mighty Max King
    September 30th, 2009 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    OK, the pantslessness and assyness at least I’m used to to, but the addition of coarse body hair adds a dimension of horror to The Jeffy.

  119. Joe Btfsplk
    September 30th, 2009 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    #81 Perky Bird – I somehow missed your post and so was unaware that you had already reached the same conclusion as I, regarding the unsettling goings-on in Marmaduke’s mouth. Sorry about that. Great minds, I guess, and all.

  120. 8th Man Fan
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    #101 kviri: Your montage brings this tune to mind. I’m sure there are plenty other Spidey head-bashing pix, the audio’s readily available…hmmm, any video editors out there?

  121. ralph
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    MW: So the wounded cop and the dead cop will be misidentified and everyone will think Hewlett is Colleague … until Adrian finds the photo he is carrying? How sorry am I, I seem to need the remedial version of the Mary Worth plot line.

  122. Farley's Revenge
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    #94Aerosquid: My maternal grandmother drove a huge metallic blue 60′s era Cadillac like she was in a NASCAR time trial until she passed away in her 80′s. Every cop in the county knew her by name. If she had seen a shirt like that, she would have bought it and worn it proudly.

    One of the coolest women ever.

  123. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Before I check out the Thursday comics, I heartily commend the great state of Georgia for looking so darned zombirific in “Zombieland.” We saw a sneak preview this evening — for being a horror movie (I don’t like them), it was mostly lots of blood without much gore, lots of laughs, some pot and two CL[ooh la la]WN warnings for Baka Gaijin and Niall. Fun stuff!

  124. Gabacho
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – Okay, I admit it. I stayed up until the Washington Post put Mary Worth up. It is the best artwork in MW since the glory days of Aldo. I am pleased the Dr. Good is the one in charge. Much better than Dr. Mediocre.

  125. Joe Btfsplk
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    #101 kviri – Don’t forget Jan. 5, 2008, I believe it was, when The Persuader took Spidey down with a rather gradually-lowered lamppost.

    Ah, yes. Here it is:

    BONKK

  126. mollificent
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    #116: Ewwwwww!

  127. Rusty
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    S-M: It pisses my brother off to no end when he sees Spidey get knoked out.

    With the hazards of being a superhero, you’d think Peter Parker would invest in an OSHA approved safety helmet.

  128. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    124. Gabacho re MW: but still not as good as Dr. Superduper. Damn these HMOs!
    Someone with mad animation skilz –Scott is Shot! and Adrian is …well, whatever she is in Thursday’s strip–need to be juxtiposed, or discofied, or something….

  129. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    #123 bats :[ – the state of Georgia thanks you. To be honest with you, Greater Metropolitan Roopville is replete with stunned-looking slack-jawed cretins who moan and drag one foot behind them, so I guess that means zombies are our #1 crop here in the Tri-Pasture Area.

  130. Gabacho
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    #128 – bats :[ – Well, yeah, but Dr. Superduper is out of network but they have already sent Office Colleague to Dr. Nick.

  131. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    With eager anticipation I pounced on the Times-Union site in order to see my favorite comics, and I was not disappointed. Well, you know what I mean.

    Mary, Unseen Bringer of Meddle Horror! Sheer Horror! Yes, Adrian is horrified at the news of Scott’s heavy-handed Bet You Can’t Guess What’s Being Foreshadowed shooting, but even more horrifying is that we have to see her face TWICE. And the second time is evidently when she’s adjusting her retainer.

    Sam Driver’s Pretty People Posse! Okay, so screw the whole Judge-Parker -Is-Not- Acting- Very- Legally- Responsible bit for a minute and just let me soak in the vision of Gloria in that first panel. You bet I got it, baby.

    Rex Morgan, Missing Person Oh sweet Jesus. Am i going to have to put up a Dick Tracyesque disclaimer title like “I do not care what is happening in Rex Morgan” or something? If I see Mustache McSon toot his own horn one more day, or watch Becka ImSoLonely cast yearning eyes on him another panel, I’m going to crawl into the panels and throw a rock at the bees grinding all over their car.

    Apartment of DOOM Here’s another bee-grinder. JUST FUCK HER ALREADY. She’s wanting to get boozed up and laid. What the hell is WITH you, Professor? Have you been living near Margo and Tommie and Luann for so long, that you can no longer distinguish such an obvious come-on from a normal woman? Do you only recognize the three, and them for what they are: “What are these/So withered and so wild in their attire/That look not like th’ inhabitants of the earth/And yet are on’t”

  132. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    MARVIN — As a wildlife geek, I feel compelled to point out that if Lucretia were actually to pursue this “hobby,” she would need a permit, since bats are wildlife. And if she were doing it as part of a research facility, that facility would need a license. Next time, I’d recommend that MARVIN use cockroaches instead.

  133. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    I think I’m going to retitle Apartment of Doom as “Banquo’s non-Angels”. Or “Hecate’s Heroes”. Or maybe “Damned Yankee Spots”.

  134. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Fist O Justice Theater By all means, Mark; these are not the droids poachers you are looking for. *waves hand* Just keep fishing. Pay no attention to the gunshots. Go on your way and drop by for dinner sometime.” Well, as long as George Lucas is writing the damn thing, I suppose we’re going to have to put up with Hayden Christiansen as a very brooding, very static Rusty.

  135. Farley's Revenge
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    *raising hand*

    Mr. Fable, sir, a question: What do you mean by “bee grinder”?

    Thanks.

  136. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    9 Dickweed Lane It’s official: Amos is the new Granthony Caine of the comics page. “Oh Amos, you are so desirable and so sexy even though there isn’t a single good reason why anyone should believe that.”

  137. Emily K [RiffChick]
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    when he says “the bees are grinding” he means the bees from the titular “birds & the bees” sex metaphor are getting it on.

  138. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    #135 Farley’s Revenge: Ah! it’s explained in the Discussion Forum under Long-Form Comedy Stylings, subheaded CC FAQs, but the gist of it is: Grinding bees: When a comic tries too hard to be funny or relevant or introspective, churns for a while and just winds up as a catastrophic failure on all fronts.
    It started as Mark Trail thing re:the birds at the airport saga, then segued into a story about bees flying into engines at a British airport, and somehow wound up as the above.

    # 137 Emily K (RiffChick) Ah, no.

  139. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    #138 To expound further: We kind of embroidered a thread about the Mark Trail birds at the airport story. Someone mentioned a news story about some bees that got ground up in an engine and fouled the engine so it stalled, but then they were able to get it started again. Or some damn thing. Anyway, I likened that to the way slow moving strips seemed like they were grinding up bees and slowing the process of storytelling down before things lurched forward again.

    You learn to detect Bee-grinding in comic strips pretty easily. Then at the end of the year, I give out the Bee-Grinding Awards to those comics who achieve a certain amount of infamy in various categories.

  140. Citric
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Ha! I knew it’d only be revealed that Scott’s in the hospital on October 1! Booya!

  141. Farley's Revenge
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    Luann: Oh yeah, HS girls have built in jeweler’s loupes so they can eyeball a rock and tell the difference between a “serious rock” and a party hearty rock.

    MW: What the hell is that woman-and I use the term loosely-doing to her face in the second panel? Is she so traumatized by the thought that Det. Boyfriend prefers death to her that she’s ripping the skin off her face? Or did Unidentified Hospital Worker #5 spray her with water and she’s now melting?

    9CL: Sorry, Seth. Just going to your room and locking the door won’t block the ululating screams as Amos ‘n Edda re-enact their glory day in Brussels on your freshly clean carpets. I recommend shoving pencils in your ears. Ruptured eardrums are your only hope now.

    Since there are some stains one simply doesn’t want in the carpets, I also recommend that you put down those vinyl runners all over the floor.

  142. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    10/1 DT — Hee ho ha indeed. Ringo is about to be forced to read the past three years of DT. all at once.. And death would indeed be preferable.

  143. Farley's Revenge
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    Thanks!

    One of these days, I need to check out the forum section.

  144. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    # 142 — When previewing, note punctuation. Argh.

  145. KarMann
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    #144 – What? punctuation.

  146. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    Assoline Galley I suppose we should be thankful they skipped over the time she was preparing to go to this shindig, or else we’d have to witness she shaving her pits and doing her nails one at a time.

    Scenes from Suburban Hell In Suburban Hell, little girls forget that they are not the center of the universe around which all other things revolve. Don’t get so freaked out, Dot — after all, Ditto probably watched a Steven Segal film marathon. You should feel sorry for him instead.

    Cockroach One of the best Kanye parodies I’ve seen yet.

    Sweet and VERY Shallow Ah… Greed raises its ugly little head. Soon Envy and the rest of the Homunculi will be wandering in soon.

  147. Danny Lilithborne
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    #11: They’ll just replace him with Jeff. And when Jeff dies, they’ll replace him with Robo Family Happiness 5000.

  148. Steve the Pocket
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    9CL: Now, one might say Brooke is playing the gay-stereotype card by having Seth be disgusted by Edda and Amos’s relationship… no, wait, nobody would ever say that, because everybody is disgusted by it.

    Garfield: Not only has this stopped being funny years ago, we’re at the point where existing “specialty” networks are airing content not even remotely related to their name because “specialty” networks don’t have the appeal they used to. I expect Garfield to get around to making jokes about that in another decade or so.

    Herb and Jamaal: Let’s see, Jamaal has a ridiculously tall smile in one panel, the punchline is that Herb misinterprets his line as they’re lost… Oh crap, it isn’t Groundhog Day, is it?

    Luann: Yes, keep it… and… um… then what? She sure as hell can’t wear it, and anyone else who proposes to her in the future would be packin’ his own rock. Plus, keeping it would send a clear message to Elwood that she’s keeping the option open… Actually, why am I bothering to read into this? She’s a girl, and she ain’t gonna part with her shiny. And they wonder why there are hardly any women in the cartooning industry.

    Marvin: She’s not going to get any responses. There certainly aren’t any souls in that house tonight. *rimshot*

    Pearls: This comic is turning into Zippy the Pinhead awfully fast.

  149. Niall
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    Thursday, way too late or early

    A3G: it might be if he were anything remotely close to a doctor. He’s a professor. The amount Bobbie will be able to sue for malpractice will keep her golden to the end of her days. Which, if she continues like this, will be counted in days.

    BC: BOO, HISSSS

    Blondie: does anyone ask a floor attendent to “price” shower curtains? Instead of, you know, looking at them yourself and seeing the price tags attached? Has shower curtains ever been a high-price item, like men’s shoes, that are deemed necessary to have an attendent?

    Dick: yup, that laugh definitely is worse than being killed. *shiver*

    FC: has there been a kid that stupid that has said this, anywhere?

    Garfield: yes. Is it possible there are too many strips? Yes. Bye bye Garfield.

    Mary Worth: DANG! There goes.. a lot of other betting pool guesses! He’s alive, but she’s not operating on him! But we’ll have a few winners on “Scott arrives to hospital on Monday” and “Scott is alive”. Congratulations!

    My Cage: Yes, Ed Power. That’s it. Wave that freaking ship in our faces, why don’t you… :)

    Pluggers: Uh, do they even make one-gear bicycles for adults? Pluggers couldn’t fit on children’s bikes, right?

    Sly: I’m so sorry. I must be so tired, I keep seeing the bunny having just make a gigantic dump.

  150. 8th Man Fan
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh, Thank the Lord! Thought Moy had a couple more veils to go through before the reveal.

    Sorry, Citric: He-who-we-now-know-is-Scott was first shown going through the “Entrance” on Monday and the bet was for the day we see him arrive. Moy and Giella had a Dick Tracy moment and showed him arriving again on Tuesday, so I’m counting that, too. We finally have some verified winners, updated the spreadsheet accordingly.

  151. Joe Btfsplk
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    #101 kviri again, and myself at #125 – …or, a little over a month later in the same plotline, when some other goon whose role in all of this has been long forgotten by me knocks Spides out with, here it comes, wait for it, yes, another completely un-spider-sensed blow to the head:

    SPLANNG

    Am I missing any?

  152. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    MW — Come on, Donation Box, get your ass in gear before next Monday when the side bet ends.

  153. Mibbitmaker
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    #136 (True Fable): How can Amos from 9CL be the new Blanthony when Luann (Luann) is the new adult Lizardbreath? The repercussions from that would be too horrible to comprehend!

  154. Mibbitmaker
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    10/1:

    A3G: “Sure, why not?”, he said indifferently.

    DT: That clown’s creepy even for those who don’t find clowns creepy!

    FC: He really wants to clunk her in the head with his camera.

    FW: Batiuk: “So, you all wanted me to be ‘funny’, huh? Well — here’s me being ‘funny’! Not so great, now, IS it?!”

    MW: “Thank God it’s not Dr. Malpractice! That doctor was from a hospital in Westview, Ohio. Specialized in cancer diagnoses.”

    GT: “Yeah! But after what his minions did to Tom Batiuk when he tried it, it just ain’t worth it!”

  155. Brent
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:06 am [Reply]

    1 Kinghasnoclothes, 22 mkilby, 80 shermy glamrocker:

    When I first heard the rule it was 3/4 seconds. Over the years I’ve heard it repeatly inflate: 1, 2, 3, and now, 5 seconds. It wouldn’t surprise me if someone is currently sporting 6 or 7.5 second rule.

  156. Jake Morgendorffer
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    “Why don’t they just put Marmaduke to sleep?”

    http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0007007/quotes (scroll down to season 3, episode 8)

  157. Alfred E. Neuman
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:29 am [Reply]

    Luann— Elwood insisted that Luann keep the ring because he wanted to get his rocks off.

    MW— I thought that Adrian’s expression was too artistically derivative: we’ve all seen it before.

  158. KarMann
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:46 am [Reply]

    MW: Well, it’s a good thing the Good Doctor is on the job. I hear that when you’ve got bullet holes that you need sewn up, he’s got the goods.

  159. Jason D.
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:25 am [Reply]

    Re: 10/1 Mary Worth: C’mon, people, I can’t be the only one hoping that Dr. Good’s first name is Phil.

  160. Hinako Sensei
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:27 am [Reply]

    So it seems we finally have visual proof of Jeffy’s Satanic nature. I’m not sure how else to explain the freakish black hairs that are sprouting from his upper body. Perhaps Mother Keane, in an attempt to hide evidence of her demonic covenant, has taken to filling Jeffy’s bath with Nair or something. I feel the real sin is that we readers must then witness Jeffy’s cherubic bare ass.

  161. AirForbes
    October 1st, 2009 at 5:10 am [Reply]

    Like a real spider, Spiderman’s main vulnerability is being smashed with blunt objects. I’d love to see a crossover with Garfield.

    Also, Jeffy seems to be in the middle of a transformation into a werewolf.

  162. True Fable
    October 1st, 2009 at 5:13 am [Reply]

    #153 Mibbitmaker – oh lord, the matchup of Amos and Luann would rip a hole in the space-time continuum, if not for the fact that the Settleocalypse already laid it open enough to sail the Constitution through.

  163. mordock999
    October 1st, 2009 at 5:49 am [Reply]

    Today’s LUANN – 10/01/09 -

    Okay, Luann, Here’s a GOLDEN opportunity NOT to listen ANY and ALL advice that is SURE to come from your two so-called ‘friends’, here about WHAT to with the money from THAT ring IF you decide to sell it.

    Me? I’d BUY a new Oldsmobile!

    Oh, wait….,

    _______________________

    DEATH to TJ!!!

  164. yellojkt
    October 1st, 2009 at 6:05 am [Reply]

    #149 Niall – Pluggers are fixie-riding hipsters.

  165. John C Fremont
    October 1st, 2009 at 6:26 am [Reply]

    #94 AeroSquid – OMG! I went to high school with a guy who had that shirt. He wore it at least once a week for about a year before a teacher figured it out & he got sent home. He still wore it to school after that, just under another shirt as a means of rebellion, because rebellion was what we were all about in the seventies, man. Hee Ho Ha! And let me add to that a Hoo!

    I guess that’d be Hee Ho Ha Hoo! But that just sounds stupid.

  166. Chyron HR
    October 1st, 2009 at 6:36 am [Reply]

    In a forgotten land, there is an ancient ruin. And in that ancient ruin, there is a perilous catacomb. And at the bottom of that perilous catacomb, there is a temple from the time before man. And in the temple from the time before man, there is a holy monolith. And upon that holy monolith is inscribed, “Spinachovia is full of smog.”

  167. ladadog
    October 1st, 2009 at 6:37 am [Reply]

    # 159 Jason D. : You are not alone, sir. I shudder to think what Dr. Phil Good will do as he operates on the patient who was part of Operation H-town – and responsible for putting a serious crimp in his extracurricular activities.

  168. Doctor Handsome
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    If you look closely, the filth on Jeffy’s upper half is actually a blueprint of the prison Billy is being held in, with an escape route mapped out with dashed lines.

  169. Lord-z
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    I imagine Jeff Keane sitting in his drawing-room. “Yes ladies, check out the cute little butt on Jeffy”.

  170. Pozzo
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Even leaving aside the issue of his selective-function Spider-Sense, it can’t be too hard to knock out Spiderman. I mean, Wolfman Jack doesn’t appear to have any kind of leverage going there with that swing. He could learn a lesson or two from Reggie.

  171. John Seavey
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    I’d just like to say that I find it genuinely, unironically hilarious that Reggie appears to have a signed photo of himself on the wall behind him. Truly, that is a great sight gag for people familiar enough with the strip to know that Reggie’s an egotistical jerk.

    You can just picture him signing it, simultaneously gratified at the flattering attention and thrilled at meeting his idol.

  172. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    MW: So, Scott’s alive? I’m so… so…. eh, not really astounded or excited at all, despite the panel one Bobble Lines of Astonishment and the panel two Shooting Rays of Alarm. The true suspense for me now lies in the question of whether Adrian can indeed shove both hands into her mouth at once.

    Let’s take a moment, though, to remember the dear, departed Detective Colleague. He was a blond man… um… and he wore a uniform… and, well, he’ll be missed. Yeah.

    MT: “Good Poacher” Bob has the Elrod Seal of Approval!

    And really, is Bob not the luckiest little poacher in the swamp? Had he encountered someone with an IQ higher than the average giant squirrel, all his cautions and explanations would have led to suspicion. But because he’s dealing with Mark, whose brains are pretty much contained in his tightly balled fists, he’s safe.

    Zits: Now I get it—I’d always wondered what Sarah saw in Jeremy.

    A3G: “Yes—how about a taste of my special Papagoras dolmade?”

  173. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    114 mollificent: Yes! That one is definitely the best of the literal videos!

    149 Niall, re: Blondie—My thought exactly. Talk about having to contort the premise in order to set up the “joke.”

  174. Brick Bradford
    October 1st, 2009 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    MW: Well, if Dr. Good is on the case then it’s all going to be okay.

    JP: “I need a meeting!” I didn’t know Sam was in AA.

    DT: Okay, this is just nuts. It does sound like Mr. Tiger will be having a little ringmaster surprise before enjoying his clown tartare, though.

    Popeye: Did it take anyone else while to figure this one out?

  175. Dingo
    October 1st, 2009 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Go down to surgery and show him the ring. Go down to surgery and show him the ring. Go down to surgery and show him the ring!

  176. Écureuil Écumant
    October 1st, 2009 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    MW: Adrian’s immediate response is to adjust the backlight setting on her face mask to “Beatific”. She will now rush down to the O.R. and give Scott extreme unction from her crystal phial of holy PotatoAde™.

  177. Amateur
    October 1st, 2009 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    #150 — Congratulations to the winners! And everybody duck before Adrian’s head goes full-on supernova!

  178. AeroSquid
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    I guess harvesting Scott’s DNA and creating a clone doesn’t constitute ‘being alive’. Not as such. =D

  179. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Phantom narration box: I find that when I read the narration boxes I hear it in the narrator voice from the 1960′s Batman TV show. I doubt that’s an original observation but I find it makes reading the strip somewhat more enjoyable.

  180. Muffaroo
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    A3G – Aristotle. Doc. I don’t think you’re getting the message. Bobbie is hinting. Get it? She wants to play Yahtzee!

    Dick – “For you, Ringo, a little trip up to the trapeze, followed by a one-way trip Down! To the Ground! Where you will perish! From hitting the ground! And you’ll have two weeks to think about that, while you’re falling and I’m standing down here talking about it! Blah! Blah! Talk, clown, talk!”

    Family – “Well, kids, I’m going to refer this question to our special guest explainer. (It is Rusty!)”

    [yesterday's] “The bigger kids stoled my shirt and tickled me with Sharpies!”

    Gasoline – And the awful story of how Earl Lee Byrd met his demise by falling through an unexpected trap door on the stage lurches forward. Monday: “I wonder what this little lever does?”

    Gil – They’ll just call it a misunderstanding when Josh runs both of them down, too. Correct vocabulary is so important.

    Mary – Adrian’s sucker-sense* tells her that somebody is giving her bad news about Scott! (*also known as “hearing.”)

    Pearls – I used to see hopeful little ads in The Merchandising Book for a would-be hot property called Marshmallow Martians. They wanted folks to know that they were available for that skyrocket to merchandising success, just as soon as somebody with lots of money stepped in and took over. They’re still waiting. I’ve seen their web page. They’re still awful, too, and wretchedly unimaginative. So far, the two marshmallows in this strip have it all over them. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the creator of the Martians reads this with mounting anger: “Marshmallows were MY idea! MINE!

    Pluggers – A plugger’s bicycle would be a valuable collector’s item, if he wouldn’t destroy it by riding it to the liquor store.

  181. Muffaroo
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Slylock – Six differences:
    1) In the first panel, the gas tank is half empty. In the second, it’s half full.
    2) In the first panel, the kid’s disrespectful. In the second, he’s evil.
    3) The attendant in the first panel is not adding castor oil to the gas.
    4) In the second panel, the lady is mistakenly driving her neighbor’s car.
    5) The rabbit in the first panel is having a fatal heart attack. In the second, it’s just gas.
    6) The second panel has a smudge on my screen.

    Snuffy – But people don’t leap over each other like that! If frogs were playing at being people, they’d pretend they had thumbs, or use language or something.
    Damn unrealistic frogs.

    bats :[ @123 – That’s how I remember Georgia from the early 80s!

    Niall @149 – Single-speed bikes for adults are still made, but they’re a costly specialty item, as far as I know. I hear bike messengers use them. That thing the animal is riding (hey, the circus must be in town!) looks more like my 7-year-old daughter’s bike, only not as cool-looking. I’d actually expect a plugger to ride a three-speed, which won’t have any cachet at all until the big Schwinn revival of 2020.

    buckyswife @172 – re MW: Snrk! Mmmf!

    U No – You know what’s shocking? Reading the comments for a half hour, then hitting the refresh button and only having one more comment show up. Whoa! What gives?

  182. MolyBendum
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Curtis – Obviously Curt has never hung around a truckstop. Although I have no doubt there’re quite a few truckers who wouldn’t mind a little black cum dumpster hanging around.

    Marvin – Hee Ho Ha! Marvin is terrified. Hee Ho Ha!

    Six Chix – It irritates me that I spent so long studying this strip today to try to figure out if there is some clue that indicates they need to go to the dentist or have been skipping dental appointments. Maybe the guy is missing his upper teeth, maybe he just isn’t drawn with them showing….. Maybe her mouth is shut because her teeth are yellowed and decayed….. Maybe “on the lam” has some other meaning in different parts of the country….. But there’s no way to tell if it’s any of those things or if it’s some surreality that escapes me. Maybe I’m not ethereal enough to “get” it. Well…maybe Anne Gibbons can suck my dick.

    La Cucaracha – Why, this would imply Kanye is out of touch. That certainly can’t be true. Certainly not.

  183. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    #76 – Hahahaha! Gross.

    #104 – You may enjoy the film “Bon Cop, Bad Cop”
    with Colm Feore and Patrick Huard.
    There’s a hysterical scene after a grow-op gets blown up, and these two get inadvetently totally BAKED and have to report to their chief. Hilarity ensues.
    The rest of the film is great too.

    #111 – Thanks for the link!
    The Dead always amazed me for several reasons, and it always baffled me as to how they could be so on and even beyond their game one night and then completely blow it a few nights later. Ah, well, everyone burns the good cookware once in a while, right?

  184. hogenmogen
    October 1st, 2009 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Jughead has been hanging at Herb & Jamaal’s Heart & Soul cafe too much. “A world-exclusive that no one else has!” If it really were a scoop of these proportions, wouldn’t either Jug or Reg say “Woah, Principal Weatherbee was found naked in the park??”

    Jeffy has tatoos of dirt over the upper half of his body.

    Today’s parade of crap:
    BC: If you buy a hole in the ground, how are you going to take it home with you?

    Gil: Ooh, a ‘roids story. Knowing this strip, it will be hemmoroids, not steroids, but plenty of drama will ensue. I should’ve seen it coming when they discussed his working out in South or North Carolina or somewhere.

    MW What if Dr. Good isn’t good – enough? Feelgood? Is this skilled surgeon the only guy in the hospital who can do more than spew quotations and bon mots at his patients? For Hewlett’s sake, I hope not.

  185. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Pretty slim pickings today, or the comics just can’t compete with fall foliage. Anyway…

    HtH: Wonderful. Honi’s on the verge of joining a death cult, and Helga’s trying to sort of the finances.

    Phantom: For the innocent, this day begins as any other. With pocket protector nerds ogling huge racks.

  186. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    #116 – Oh God!
    Reminds me of Main St., Burlington, VT, on an early Sunday morning.
    : P

  187. Esther Blodgett
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Good is operating. Unfortunately, Nurse Shakyhands is assisting and Dr. Substanceabuseproblem is the anesthesiologist, so Scott’s not out of the woods yet.

  188. MolyBendum
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    – Apartment 3G –
    Good ol’ Professor Doctor Patrick. He knows he’s going to boink her, but he also knows a true gentleman always buys a lady dinner before he plows the back field.

    – Gil Thorp –
    I just have to know what happened to Duncan in North Carolina. Why is he a goody-two-shoes now? Is it Jesus? Is he Straight Edge now? What’s the deal with “Remember what your brother told you”? Has he discovered the joys of incestuous gay sex and his brother has told him he will only diddle the boys who are clean? So many questions, Gil Thorp, and so few answers.

    – Dick Tracy –
    Since it’s not even worth pointing out (again) that Boffo Von JuicyClown will continue to threaten everyone until he is inevitably eaten by a tiger, I will just say that “Hee Ho Ha! Laugh, Clown, Laugh!” is the worst catchphrase ever. Worst. Catchphrase. Ever. And therefore deserves to be on a T-shirt.

  189. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    #159 – Either that, or Johnny B.

    *runs*

  190. hogenmogen
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    I like Funky refocusing on average teen angst instead of “My wife is dead and my own body is decomposing in a slow, agnonizing, lingering death after a meaningless life of failure, but I smirk randomly in the face of bleak depression.”

    Marmaduke Movie: Just say no, for the love of all that is remotely cool. Garfield and Scooby were more than enough. 90 minutes of rumpled people describing what a big dog does gives agony to my higher cortex just by knowing that it may exist.

  191. Écureuil Écumant
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    A3G: Ah. Doc Popo thinks her hands are trembling because she’s hypoglycemic. Then I suggest he give her margarita glass a sugar rim instead of a salt one, and watch how fast those tremors subside. In fact, her serum glucose is probably about -20. So why not make it a double.

  192. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Oh, and #114 – that felt good. The new/literal lyrics are spot on.
    I realize now much I really hated 80′s makeup and big hair.

  193. Brian
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    It looks like Reggie’s donor arm from that serial killer who swore revenge is finally going to make its move.

  194. commodorejohn
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    A3G – Well, at least she’s more convincingly high than Alan or Haley.

    AS – Well, now we have an exact measure of how far ahead of publication Hillburn writes his comics panels.

    BC – Hey, I remember making this joke in a game I was making! …when I was 13.

    Crankshaft – Crankshaft would like to assure us that nothing about this story arc will be at all surprising or interesting. Thanks, Crankshaft!

    DT – You know, just for the sake of things not going quite so predictably, I choose to believe that the gun is actually the culprit; it’s just controlling the clown.

    FW – Sometimes I entertain the notion that Funky Winkerbean will culminate in Westview being the landing point for an invasion by the Martians from The War Of The Worlds. I like this idea better than anything in the actual strip.

    GT – Ah, you got off with a warning this time, Josh.

    H&L – Hi & Lois unwittingly raises a whole alternate character interpretation for Ditto, as someone who by his very name is somehow destined to ape his sibling. Feel free to take this to its logical conclusion.

    JP – What the…what the hell is that pose in panel three? It’s like she’s a vampire shying away from a crucifix, only the crucifix is eight feet off the floor for some reason.

    Luann – It’s like the most sexist They’ll Do It Every Time ever. “Luella’s friends all say she oughta give the ring back…BUUUTTT when she shows ‘em the rock…well then, folks, it’s a different story!” Women, amirite?

    MT – Mark eschews contractions, but damned if he doesn’t know his appositives!

    MW – Josh, Uncle Lumpy may have gotten the greatest week in Mary Worth history, but the greatest panel was reserved for you. My God, it’s…it’s beautiful like the Angel of Death in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I feel like my brain is going to explode just looking at it.

    Momma – I’m not sure what to think when I’ve gotten to a point in life where my own laments are echoed by Francis, of all people. It’s like a quarter-life crisis.

    NS – Sure, aliens are funny. But you know what would make them even funnier? If they were in a boardroom!

    OBH – I love this strip.

    Phantom – Wow, the Phantom Narration Box is doing a bang-up job today.

    Pluggers – Pluggers can barely manage first gear, let alone anything more demanding.

    SM – Spider-Man, Spider-Man, is sometimes able to recover from a blow on the head like a spider can…

    Edison Lee – So…what is the attraction of this strip supposed to be, anyway? The main character is an unlikeable, unimaginative juvenile con artist, like Milo Bloom with all the interesting aspects removed, the strip seems to be primarily about him scamming his relatives out of money and/or spouting union Democrat political opinions (poorly, like Doonesbury with all the interesting aspects removed,) and the only characters not stupid enough to be conned by Edison merely don’t react act all. It’s like some sort of concentrated experiment to create the least enjoyable comic strip in the world.

    The Norm – Trademark? Hell, they patent them. And now they’re licensing them too.

    WoI – …wow. I haven’t seen text this at odds with the visuals since that wanted poster in Snuffy Smith. Only this time it’s not even something we can blame on the color monkeys.

  195. (not naked) UncleJeff
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Saw this AP story just after reading this morning’s Family Circus.
    STUART, Fla. – A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident’s backyard and jumped into the pool
    (Unfortunately, the guy’s name was not Jeffy)

  196. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Actual experience suggests that a Plugger’s bike is an 18-speed “mountain” bike from Walmart with a “dual suspension” (i.e., some useless decorative heavy things), which weighs nearly as much as a Plugger and achieves a high, high fraction of 0/18 gears that aren’t ground to dust after one week of riding. (But pluggers don’t understand fractions, so no problem.)

  197. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Heh, I said “but pluggers”.

  198. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Hold it. That’s no Plugger’s bike. Where’s the basket and the little ringgy bell?

  199. LUJBEM FEJF
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Hee Ho Ha ..Laugh Clown Laugh!
    Lon Chaney’s been there done that….
    http://www.lonchaney.org/photos/p_laugh_clown_laugh.jpg

  200. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Buckles: Would be fairly pornographic if he weren’t a cartoon dog with obvious bits missing.

  201. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    149 Niall, 181 Muffaroo: Single-gear bikes not only exist–they’re trendy!

  202. Old School Allie Cat
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Engagement Thursday

    Luann – How long is it going to take for Bernice the skeptic to suggest she have it appraised? Also – do kids still do the whole “promise ring” thing? I never did that, but my high school bf let me wear his class ring, which at the time seemed really grownup and exciting, but now seems quaint and a little charming. He ended up being a rocket scientist – literally. I gave the ring back when we ended it. With no regrets – that thing was a eyesore.

    MW – I’m really glad that Scott wasn’t the DOA. It would have been a huge buzz kill to the newly engaged Adrian.

    And in non-engagement news…

    FW – Great – a new freshmen class of kids who we won’t get to know because we have to watch a play-by-play of Les’s angsty 19th nervous breakdown. Not that I want to get to know these kids, but they might break up the monotony. Also, again, back in my day, the trick was selling elevator passes. I’m just saying.

  203. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    (Total Eclipse is good, but the best “literal” video I’ve seen is the one for I Would Do Anything For Love. “My matress is made of gypsy sluts / Craftmatic charged me extra for that.” Jim Steinman just brings out the wonderful bombast in us all. )

  204. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Pluggers’ single speed bikes have freewheels and coaster brakes and are therefore not the trendy ones.

  205. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Edge City: Break a clavicle, you cell-phone-yammering dipshit.

  206. Steve the Pocket
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    @180 Muffaroo: Monday? Surely you mean sometime around Halloween. Gotta have time to tell every “joke” three or four times with slightly different dialogue and all that.

  207. A. Nonymous
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or does the dirt look more like Jeffy has grown a LOT of body hair?

  208. AeroSquid
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    DT: Dethklown’s gun looks like a lighter I used to own when I was a teenager. You pulled the trigger and a little butane flame would pop out of the top. Ha he ho ! What fun ! Now you get arrested for stuff like that in school.

  209. One-eyed Wolfdog
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    FC: “Yes, when the memory card’s full, we have to go in town to the camera store to buy a new one.”

  210. queek
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    LaCuc: win!

    JP: G – L – O – R – I – A!

    HotC: “ya mooks!” just makes the strip.

    Zits: buckyswife stole my line before I could post it.

  211. Anonymous
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    MW – I dread to think what Dr. Good’s reputation is at the hospital if Adrian’s making that… face. Is he the work experience surgeon or something?

  212. Brickers
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    #211 – Doh, forgot my name.

  213. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    #209 – “Dolly, you should talk to Rusty Trail. He’s an expert on digital photography, as well as other things. That little boy is such a prodigy, unlike you.”

  214. Comcis Fan
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    FC: Dolly’s heavy lidded expression indicates that she, too, is long weary of her Dollyisms, and is being forced to utter them against her will.

  215. Comcis Fan
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Blondie: Is this a retread from economically happier times? Rates have not gone through the roof anytime lately, unless, of course, the loan officer is referring to foreclosure rates.

  216. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    214 Comcis Fan: You’ve given me a whole new perspective on FC here. I think I kind of like it better if I imagine all the child participants as operating in an illegal child sweatshop. Of course, there seems to be some coercion going on for Thel and Bill, too.

  217. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    155. Brent: I’ve heard of a recent scientific (who funds these things?!? probably not Lysol or Clorox) study that found no major contamination occurs in 30 seconds. This increases up to a minute for “dry drops” (cookies, unbuttered toast).
    Woo!

  218. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    #216 – You may be on to something there – remember the other day when Dolly said that Mommy Thel’s shirt was made by two women?
    Dolly is their (More zippers!) mule.

  219. mollificent
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury: OK, Dingo, ‘fess up. Have you been filling in writing duties for Trudeau this week? :D

  220. teddytoad
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Archie can be better understood if one assumes everyone is on PCP. Coincidentally, so can today’s Marmaduke.

  221. Écureuil Écumant
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    199 LUJBEM FEJF says: “Hee Ho Ha ..Laugh Clown Laugh! Lon Chaney’s been there done that….
    http://www.lonchaney.org/photos/p_laugh_clown_laugh.jpg

    Ye gods. It looks like Zippy with erectile dysfunction.

  222. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    218 Calico: “More malapropisms, mule!”

  223. Anonamuse
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    #212 — Brickers: You mean you have…amnesia? No time to waste — get to the hospital in Santa Royale immediately; I’m sure Adrian will be able to attend to you as Dr. Good is operating on Detective Hewlett! In fact, you might be able to help her take her mind off the situation for just a little while.

    By the way, everyone, don’t worry (um, if you actually even care) — Scott’s not going to die. I guarantee you that after much hysteria and an overabundance of platitudes, he’ll be just fine. Ho-hum.

  224. Professor Fate
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    MW: Let’s hope Doctor Good is good enough. thank you i’ll be here all week.

    FW: His funny is still depressing. But at least it’s not creepy.

  225. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    PBS: I just kept looking at those things…and looking…and looking…

  226. caley
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    I really thought that was hair all over Jeffy’s body and thought maybe he was turning into a werewolf. I always get him and P.J. confused, so if he were to turn into a sort of Were-Tot, that would eliminate my confusion.

    Also, I really thought that was a loaf of french bread that Spidey was getting hit with.

  227. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    225. bats :[
    My my, girl. You’ve done it again.
    By the way, did you have mushrooms for breakfast?

    I know I won’t eat marshmallows. At least not the kind that’s in PBS. When I was 16 I was on a camping trip and ate a whole bag in one sitting. Got sick and though I was gonna die. Swore off those puffy monsters ever since. (However, if it’s inside a Moonpie…mmm.)

  228. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Got sick and thought. I even used “Preview” and missed it. Dang.

  229. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

  230. Anonamuse
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Archie, 9/30:

    From personal (well, second-hand) experience, I have a little problem with yesterday’s strip. Specifically, do we really believe that Reggie, the ultimate egotist, would actually be the school’s newspaper editor and apparently making a sincere effort to do a good job of it?

    Here’s why I question the scenario:

    Last year, my son ran for student council at his middle school and was elected vice-president. One of his good friends (who along with his girlfriend make up the “it” couple of their grade) ran for and was elected president. So far, all well and good.

    However…this boy never did a lick of work once he was elected; rather, he sat at meetings looking bored and playing with rubber bands, paper clips and so on. To him, getting elected was merely a popularity contest and once he’d proved himself “top dog,” he had zero interest in actually carrying out the duties of his office. My son, as the “power behind the throne,” ended up doing the bulk of the work.

    My point is: I think this is exactly what Reggie would do!

  231. TheDiva
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    DT: Why is Ennui the Clown aiming his gun at a spot five feet behind Ringo’s head?

    FW: Come on, Batiuk, you disappoint me. The subject of hazing and bullying is ripe with Serious Issue potential, from emotional and physical trauma to suicide and killing sprees. Why waste time trying to find the lighter side of the subject? It’s a lot more amusing when you try to play the material straight.

    HotC: Once again, Heart is behind the times. Anyone really serious about Halloween has been planning their costume since at least August.

    Luann: Bring back Luann’s mother. She seems to be the only one with an ounce of sanity about this whole business.

    MW: Where to begin? The halo of shock around Adrian’s face (Our Lady of Perpetual Cluelessness)? The fact that her neck is apparently thin enough to disappear behind her hands? The weird androgyny of Nurse Badnews? It’s like a buffet of snark potential.

    Marvin: Demonic possession can only be a step up in this case.

    Pluggers: Shenanigans! Pluggers don’t ride bikes–that’s something tree-hugging health-nut non-Pluggers do.

  232. Lorem Ipsum
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    #225-bats :[ outstanding!!, it seems that I may have had the shrooms today, because I swear that Rusty’s eyes kept moving up and down…oh they are following meeee!

  233. Joe the Plugger
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Is it possible for someone to write incredibly sappy fanfic of his own creation?

  234. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    226. caley: I, too, thought Jeffy had some sort of lycanthropy gene kicking in. (Well, at least it would relieve some of the boredom and what passes for humor in the Keane Kompound.)
    Were-Tot is promising.
    Were-Tater Tot, not so much. (I think that’s one of those things that have exceeded the Five Second rule.)

  235. Hobbes Fan
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    So, did I just live a sheltered life in high school, or can calculated and repeated assault and destruction of personal property really just be brushed off as “hazing?”

  236. tymime
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    Why are they so surprised? Don’t they usually lock Marvin in a cage every night anyway?

  237. wallabyjoe
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who thinks that panels 2 and 3 of Archie give the impression that Jughead’s arm is 40 feet long and capable of bending like rubber? Now I can’t un-see it!

  238. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    I promise I’m not going to re-post this in the next thread once this one dies. Instead, I’m going to pre-post here what I plan to post for the first time in the next thread! Wrap your temporal lobe around that one, Stephen Hawking!

    9CL: Just when I thought McEldowney had depicted every fetish known to man (and woman), he goes and invents one: moronophilia. Explains how Edda wore out three DVDs of “I am Sam.”

    Crock: This is the “cleaned up” Maggot?

    (WT)DT: “Clown”? I don’t get the reference. There’s a clown in this strip?

    EC: YAAAAAY!!!

    FC: It does if you’re Rusty Trail.

    JP: Today, the part of Gloria will be played by Hyapatia Lee. (Don’t Google it at work!)

    MW: In panel 2, Adrian is being stalked by the ghost of Charlie Brown.

    MG&G: Don’t buy it, Diana. He’s just after a quickie!

    Ghost-Who-Gives-Real-Life-Terrorists-Ideas: Apparently, Chatu’s terrorist cell’s loathsome work didn’t involve doing their homework. That’s not a tank car, that’s an intermodal container carried on a flatcar. And I can’t think of too many things better at deflecting an explosion than the deck of a flatcar designed to carry 50 tons. Especially when the explosive in question is a 1960s-vintage Soviet artillery shell duct-taped to an iPhone, and pointing the wrong way.

  239. Niall
    October 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    199. Jumble Jeff: Hole crap. So that’s what Locher is referencing. Nice going Locher, but you have to remember that for anyone else to find it funny, they have to know the refence too. I should know, that’s how most of joke attempts go.

    201. buckyswife: thank you. I did not know of these things. I guess they’re one more reason for motorists and pedestrians to hate urban cyclists if they never stop because they can’t… I mean, I wonder what the accident rate for cyclists with and without gears is for the last ten years. All it takes is one stupid driver to do something you don’t expect to become a smear…

    225. bats :[ : one of your best yet.

  240. Little A and his Verkokte Magic Ball
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    GA: I reiterate (I love that word. Also demographic), She is going to stumble around and wind up on stage right in the middle of Earl E. Bird ‘s performance.

    I have said before (I repeat myself alot) that I have liked her for years, she is or was until recently, not caricatured, sensible, and took care of Walt with intelligence and love.

    SO WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING IN A STRIP FULL OF IDIOTS, HILLBILLIES, MORONS, AND DOPES?

  241. hogenmogen
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    #230 – Anon – Ha ha! Good thing national politics never works like that. Take that George W. Bush, for instance. Toiling away, day and night, year after year without so much as a day off. And his VP sat around with nothing to do. Yes sir, could never happen when you’re a grown up.

    Spidey 9/30/09 Normally, the artwork is the least of Spiderman’s problems, but I just can’t get past the way the henchman is holding the strangely appearing wooden club. Holding it so close to his body, it appears to have had no swing, and henchman just sort of walked into our masked hero. Good thing this provides a plot twist that is completely shaken off by the next day’s installment.

  242. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    225 bats :[ —That drugged-out Rusty is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day week! (And probably, the previous “funniest thing” came from you, too.)

  243. hogenmogen
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    #239 – Niall, “no brakes” doesn’t mean “unable to stop”. To stop the bike, you just prevent the pedals from turning. I imagine that they’re cheap to make. But since you can’t coast on one unless you pull your feet out and away from the pedals, they’re also hard to use.

  244. Niall
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    243. hogenmogen: I definitely phrased that wrong, my apologies. Yes, they can stop, but only by sheer strength and it takes a longer while than any other bikes. By comparison, what I originally thought this Pluggers meant, the old kids’ one-speed bikes, can brake by pedalling backwards; not being able to do that, and the culture of invincibility mentioned, means the cyclists are more likely to not want to stop (which is what I wanted to type originally).

  245. Dingo
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Chaud Pour le Chat Asiatique

    Estelle: Beatrice! You weren’t at cards this week.
    Beatrice: No, dear. I’ve been so discombobulated.
    Estelle: How so?
    Beatrice: Gangsters! Drugs! Hospitals!
    Estelle: You’ve been hitting the Worth!!!
    Beatrice: I’m hooked! I’m an addict! Help me!

  246. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    238. S.S.-B. re The Phantom: and that’s why we’re glad you’re on our side!

    Hey, it’s been a while since a Go-Directly-to-Hell-bats :[-Do-Not-Collect-$200 Mass card. Trade ‘em! Collect ‘em!

  247. Baka Gaijin
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    #123 bats :[: Thanks for the warning. “Zombieland” is on my no-see list, unless I hear that Woody from Cheers flings a 4-way tire iron at the clowns frisbeewise or by some other fabulously ironic way dispatches the clowns to the netherworld, zombie or not.

  248. Fashion Police
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    We sort of like Miss Cory’s prim pale pink shirt, particularly the matching cuff links. The shirt co-ordinates nicely with her white lab coat, which remains the most stylish thing in her closet.

    We wonder, however, at the lapse in protocol of the nurse bearing bad news addressing her as “Adrian” instead of “Doctor.” One would think that women physicians would be equally entitled to the honorific.

  249. AeroSquid
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    248. Fashion Police:

    “I didn’t spend eight years learning how set up IV’s only to be called ‘Adrian’.”

    “Ok…bitch…”

  250. Calico
    October 1st, 2009 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    #225 – Hahaha!
    Once upon a time in rural Quebec, a young lady who is now my partner, being the free spirit nature girl that she still is, ate a random mushroom from the woods near her home.
    Well, she involuntarily tripped her brains out.
    Her Mom called the kindly village Dr., and he said Don’t Worry, be happy , just let her lie down and stare at the patterns on the ceiling rest, and it’ll pass.
    Poor thing. I never liked ‘shrooms. Life is weird enough as is.

  251. Dingo
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    248/249 Ah, yes. I must admit. Last year in Pennsylvania, one of my 18-year-old students referred to me by my first name. I gave her a withering look (I’m very good at them) and said “Excuse me?” in a Don LaFontaine voice. She never made that mistake again.

  252. mvg
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    JP: “You got it! By which I mean allow me to arch my back and throw out my ass provocatively so you forget your marriage, your name & whatever you were just saying.”

    GA: The “guard”? You mean the old coot in the vest & Mark Twain makeup from yesterday? Seriously?

    DT: I’d say the bees are well & truly ground, right down to the last one. Zzzzz…

    MW: A primer on the perils of delivering bad news to the congenitally stupid:

    “There was a shootout at the SantaRoyMart warehouses! Scott was involved!”

    “Oh no! Shootouts are against the law! And Scott was involved? That means he’s just as bad as Ted Confey! Oh why did I put on his ring? They’ll think I’m an accomplice! I can’t get it off. I’d better gnaw off my fingers! Grmph rnnnf!”

  253. buckyswife
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    251 Dingo: Yes, but did they ever accidentally call you “Mom”? (That’s actually only happened to me a couple of times—I’m not exactly the “mom” type—and the student was mortified.)

  254. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    # 227 Sequitur — You brought back a memory. I ate cotton candy during a family camping trip when I was a child, felt very nauseated afterward, and now I don’t even like to look at it. I do eat marshmallows, though.

    # 250 Calico — Very glad your partner’s story had a happy ending.

    Mes enfants, please never eat random mushrooms. Amanita phalloides can kill you.

  255. Black Drazon
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    You have to give the the artist at Archie some credit: if that laptop cover in the third panel were a bit more to the left, I’d feel pretty confident that Reggie was being attacked by a disembodied hand escaped from its free-range preserve at Gil Thorpeland. Instead we get to watch as he’s attacked by the hand of Dr. Strangelove, which should lead to some awkward moments when he ends up saluting the AJGLU during the middle of the Monday strip.

  256. Dingo
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Um, buckyswife, I don’t think anyone has ever called me “Mom” before, on purpose or accidentally. I’ve had “Mother…” shouted in my direction more than once.

  257. gnome de blog
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Pope Josh – Elwood was originally introduced as a Freshman, so he’s at least one and probably two years behind Luann, etc. He rolls around in the limo mainly because he’s still too young to get a driver’s license.

    However, age is an elastic concept in the Luanniverse. If Luann is 16, Brad is 19 or 20. As someone pointed out, he has to be a few years older than that to have gone through the training and become a fully-qualified fireman/EMT. As portrayed, Toni has to be in her mid-20s at least, and maybe 30.

  258. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Having had another look at Baby Blues, I wonder what Ma Blues (I know it’s not her name) is chopping up. (Why I had to have another look is beyond me.) In the first panel the knife, which looks plastic and couldn’t chop though anything, doesn’t even look like it’s touching what she’s chopping. And it sure doesn’t look like a cutting board she’s using but a paper towel or piece of paper. Then in the third panel you get a good look at the plastic knife.
    I guess the only reason I noticed this is because I’m still waiting for a punch line.

  259. Anonymous
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    240: [["I have said before (I repeat myself alot) that I have liked her [Gertie] for years, she is or was until recently, not caricatured, sensible, and took care of Walt with intelligence and love.”]]

    It’s interesting to note that she’s also one of Scancarelli’s own characters instead of one he inherited. Which might be why she seems to be better written.

  260. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    254. Poteet – Where, praytell, did you get cotton candy on a camping trip? Were you camping at a carnival? (By the way, I think cotton candy is the messiest and stickiest stuff around. Doesn’t have much of a taste either.)

  261. commodorejohn
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    #250 Calico – The Accidental Stoner. Sounds like Don Knotts meets Cheech & Chong.

  262. Perky Bird
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    # 260 Sequitur–

    I bet she got it from those feral clows that roam many of the woods in North America.

  263. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    262. Perky Bird – BINGO!

  264. Metz77
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    That’s one hell of a baguette the thug is using to beat Spider-Man.

  265. Red Greenback
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    Now this is just odd.

  266. boojum
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    FC: Jeffy Keane stars in The Pillow Book II.

    I am not happy.

    buckyswife @ 172:

    Let’s take a moment, though, to remember the dear, departed Detective Colleague. He was a blond man… um… and he wore a uniform… and, well, he’ll be missed. Yeah.

    I smell COTW!!

  267. boojum
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Red @ 265: Well, it sold well for Batman, so……

  268. Baka Gaijin
    October 1st, 2009 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    #172 buckyswife on Mary Worth, mystery officer: “…He was a blond man… um… and he wore a uniform… and, well, he’ll be missed. Yeah.” No, the drug lords didn’t miss. They got him. They got him good…Damn you. boojum #266!

  269. Poteet
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    # 260 Sequitur — Good question:-). As I recall, this was a two-family stay in a large trailer/tent combo in a campground on a lakeshore, and there was some kind of small concession that had cotton candy. My mother wasn’t into roughing it, and when I look back on what she had to contend with from me and my three sibs, I can’t blame her:-). I should probably have referred to it as a campground vacation.

  270. Charlene
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Am I mistaken, or is Dick Tracy attempting European surrealism? I mean, you’ve got the clown, you’ve got the cop, you’ve got absolutely no narrative whatsoever…

  271. Sequitur
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    269 Poteet – Campground vacation. I heard of those. Our vacations were either deep woods or swamp (Mark & Rusty style – roughing it) or hotels in the city (lounging it — I think the camping was my Dad’s idea, the hotels my mother’s). The mountains were too far away and we lived near the seashore (Atlantic Ocean). Fine times were had by all and we never seems to get sick or tired. The marshmallow incident happened at a Civil Air Patrol bivouac.

  272. bats :[
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    271. Sequitur: it’s always the Civil Air Patrol, isn’t it? mr. bats :[ had a room-mate who was in CAP…the stories! The stories!

  273. addictedtomeddle
    October 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    FC: Perhaps Billy is auditioning for Oscar – then he would be done with his bath.

  274. Muffaroo
    October 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    TheDiva @231 – The plugger sure looks awkward on that bike, doesn’t he? I figure he lost his license for repeatedly driving drunk, or else maybe the floor of his piece-a-crap truck rusted through completely so he can’t drive it any more without an excess of ‘plugger a/c’ or something like that.

    Niall @239 – I have the sheet music for “Laugh, Clown, Laugh,” the popular song that Bugs Bunny sings a snatch of in BIG TOP BUNNY.

  275. BHall87
    October 1st, 2009 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Family Circus drawn by Al Hirschfield. If you look closely in the dirt smudges, you can see the name ‘Nina’.

  276. Phil
    October 1st, 2009 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    And finally, the true hero of “Marvin”, makes her debut. She’s got to take on a foe more dangerous than anything Spider-Man has had to face in his entire career. I’ll leave the obvious one-liner to someone else. Frankly, just typing “Spider-Man” makes me slee…

  277. Dancing Bear
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    So Luann gets a ring from an Elvis-impersonating dwarf who invented “Eyez of Zeye” and became a trillionaire, while Gunther stews at home sewing costumes for her to wear to her volunteer library job. Meantime, Brad’s got a hot chick but would rather live next door to his parents in a house with black walls and eat T.J.’s crepes. That’s not a plot line–that’s a Mad-Lib.

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