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The ladies will also do it every time

Six Chix, 7/6/06

I’m betting that somewhere in Six Chix’s marketing material, the phrase “fresh new voices” or a close variation thereupon appears. Thus, it’s all the more distressing to see the strip do a joke that appeared three weeks ago in They’ll Do It Every Time.

Of course, TDIET can’t let itself get shown up by a bunch of broads. No, it’s gotta up the ante!

They’ll Do It Every Time, 7/6/06

My love for TDIET grows ever deeper by the day, in large part because the idioms and phrases it uses seem to exist in a world all its own, a world that hasn’t changed since Ike won his second term. I’m not sure when the phrase “kitty” was last used for a tip jar, nor have I ever heard anyone refer to tipping as “Feeding the kitty.” But I’m going to start using both phrases as often as I can, to try to bring TDIET to life. I do like the fact that Titus (’cause he’s tight-fisted, get it?) is watching his car being washed from another room. Maybe it’s a two-way mirror down at the station house and the “boys” are interrogating it.

Judge Parker, 7/6/06

It’s kind of unnecessary for Katherine to point out that she’s not Randy’s birth mother, since they appear to be roughly the same age. In fact, with those knowing glances they’re giving each other in the last two panels, I’m thinking that there’s gonna be lots of long hours on the campaign trail where they’ll be … learning how to use chopsticks, if you get my drift.

OK, that was pretty gross. But faithful reader “rich” already stole my Katherine Harris election fraud joke in a comment on yesterday’s post. Damn you, clever commentors!

Katherine clearly will be able to use her psychokinetic powers to help Randy get elected — her fingers are glowing like E.T.’s! Speaking of which…

Mary Worth, 7/6/06

I’m sure I’m going to have many, many weeks to goggle in awe at Mary’s Captain Kangaroo-esque stalker, so I’m going to focus my remarks here on her electric finger of power. Specifically, it’s pretty cool. Back off, stalker man! She can taser you with her mind!

Gil Thorp, 7/6/06

Gil Thorp’s floral-print-tight-clad, junior-high-age daughter getting into catty fights at gymnastics camp? Oh, yeah, summer’s gonna be awesome.

119 responses to “The ladies will also do it every time”

  1. Beasely
    July 6th, 2006 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    re TDIET: Hate to point out the obvious, but whens the last time you EVER saw white men, middle aged or otherwise, washing down cars at a car wash…let alone the customer wearing a friggin’ fedora?!

  2. Chris
    July 6th, 2006 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, Katherine and Randy have many Randy and Katherine moments ahead and behind them, and the judge seems to know, which is why he’s ceding his temporal power to his son, who’s already usurped his carnal power.

    By the way, does Katherine shop at the same boutique that Jane Jetson goes to?

  3. edgeways
    July 6th, 2006 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    I wear a fedora, but I’m not quite middle aged yet, and like hell I’ll pay someone to wax my car… can’t afford to feed the kitty.

  4. Chris
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    By the way, J. Coleman from Portland, Maine, thanks for Titus and his myopia!

  5. AwfulArt
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Those two guys are white?? Look kinda blue to me. Maybe even south of the boarder.. A little prejudice anybody??

  6. edgeways
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    I think the last sentence of that comic should be “But you are definatly my boy” (insert varrious degress of pervese words in the last slot.)

  7. Chris
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    #5, at our local car wash places (Arlington, Virginia), the crew is certainly Hispanic, no question of it.

  8. Ferd Berfel
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    You nailed it Your Holiness!

    What with a Captain Zombie-roo, drenched Teddies, newly discovered Thorpettes, bears with arrows in the asses, bears devouring toddlers, Katherine Harris cameos, and a Chesty – Skanky catfight on the horizon, this summer is going to rock!

  9. Chris
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    Mary has electro finger snaps, and Katherine seems to have mystical finger snaps…where is the trifecta coming from? Tommy with disapproving of Lucy nuclear snaps?

  10. Dub Not Dubya
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh, yeah, summer’s gonna be awesome.

    Now, Josh….here you go praising TDIET in one breath, while in the next, you misplace the “Oh yeah!” It belongs at the end of the statement, not the beginning. Oh yeah!

  11. Tommy from Michigan
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    You know Gil has honed Keri into an ass kicking machine. Forget the catty fights, Hayley is in for an extreme makeover.

  12. Dub Not Dubya
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Mary had tried to use that finger for finger quotin’, and Margo magically zapped her to stop her from trademark infringement.

  13. Mac Thomason
    July 6th, 2006 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    I think we’re in for gymnastics action. The teammate Keri is whispering asides to is clear a Grey in a wig. Aliens have a natural body type for girls’ gymnastics.

  14. j
    July 6th, 2006 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of Margo … I thought for sure we’d see her because things over in 3g haven’t been “fine” for a while.

    That said, I grew up near (and worked at in high school) a car wash where you get out and walk next to your car as it’s washed. You can watch it get washed the whole time through a big window.

  15. Scumbaggioni
    July 6th, 2006 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    “Silly me! I was too preoccupied in my thoughts to remember to wear gloves. Or adult undergarments. Or pants, for that matter…”

    Don’t you just know the Cap’n Kangarooesque stalker (…stays Kangarooesque even in liquid dairy products!) talks like the Fey Fellow or Greased-Up Deaf Guy from Family Guy?

    “Look what I can do to Mary Worth’s smug sense of self-satisfaction!!”
    –Chris Griffin, playing with Silly Putty-like substance

  16. mumbles
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    MT: Well, I’ll be damned. The bear has lines. I hope his Actors Equity rate goes up.

    MW: Just wrong for so many reasons. Good morning Captain, indeed.

  17. Mibbitmaker
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    MW: Capt. Kindaroo seems to sense a forcefield from Mare’s finger-zaps, given his own hand up by it.

    (DT)GT: Judging from her threatening fist up in panel one, looks like Hayley wishes gymnastics were a contact sport, too.

    JP: Odd how, once Katherine Harris declares him her own son, that son becomes John Travolta. Think of it:

    KH: “I’ve got to stop the recount so George can get installed by the Supreme Court…”

    JT: “What?”

    KH: “The Supreme Court.”

    JT: “Where?”

    KH: “In Washington, DC.”

    JT: “Why?”

    KH: “BECAUSE I WAS HIS CAMPAIGN MANAG– Oh, go out and play!”

  18. treadwell
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    16: not only the bear, but the squirrel, too!

    TDIET: That’s not a fedora, that’s a rain hat. Outside of retirement homes, the last time I saw anyone wear one was circa 1970, on my dad’s balding noggin.

  19. Scumbaggioni
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    #1: …Around the same time anyone last heard the phrase, “For The Boys” without meaning “Jerry’s Kids.” I think someone just got released from a sixty-year-old time capsule…

    Gil Thorpe: I usually shy away from the soapy strips. But (string of vulgar expletives deleted), that’s some fugly artwork. Makes the crud we’ve been seeing in Mark Trail or the freakish drug-addled caricatures in Mallard Fillmore look like Louvre material.

  20. Mibbitmaker
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    7/7:

    Spiderman: “The Movie set’s been TRASHED!” No, the movie set is from a scene where it got trashed. (Could happen)

    FC: Right, kid, no speed limit IN the house. Hey, maybe Spidey walked into the FC home by mistake!

    FOOB: Gee, maybe *Granthony* has money for lunch. Then it can begin, and-…………Too soon, huh?

    Tiger: Missing last panel: Bonnie grins an exagerated toothy grin, saying, “…And you are my favorite friend!”

    (DT)GT: Either good natured ironic humor, or renewed Reaganomics… YOU be the judge!

    A3G: The last line should read: “Go change out of your wet clothes. I’ll make tea…OKAY???!!” Plus: the man bobbles when he’s angry. Everyone’s head bobbles in A3G. I half expect a Dwight Schrute doll to show up soon.

    SF: Not that I even know most of the bands Goth Girl mentions, but still….. Hilary, you’re outta the band! This must be Ted’s fault.

  21. edward
    July 7th, 2006 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    TDIET: Why is ‘can’ in quotes? Shouldn’t it be ‘feeding the kitty’ can? Or is ‘feeding the kitty can’ a euphemism for masturbation? Is that why he pretends not to see it? Is that why there’s a spot on the car? He doesn’t mind them wanking, but not on his clearcoat?

  22. Len
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    Blondie! Your husband has been turned into a man-eating tree by that creepy kid Lio down the block. What kind of a sandwich shop is he gonna open, now?

    http://www.gocomics.com/lio/2006/07/05/

    Little shop, little shop of horrors…

    “FEED ME, Lio!”

  23. Lydia
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    My mind boggles at the thought of a love rival for Dr. Jeff.

  24. Air Forbes
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: My niece did gymnastics for many years, and though I saw lots of wild coloured leotards, I never once saw FLORAL PATTERNED TIGHTS. Before Keri tries to turn this into a contact sport, she better change into something that will make her teammates take her seriously. Cuz right now she has no cred, at all.

  25. Rozenn
    July 7th, 2006 at 4:37 am [Reply]

    Distressed Jeans Joke Alert !
    … in today’s Pluggers.

    Because It’s Hilarious Every Time…

  26. YourArbiter
    July 7th, 2006 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    The interesting thing to me about these comics is largely the fact that, as many times as I read the sign that says “For the Boys”, I can’t convince myself that it demarcates anything other than a manifestly, flamboyantlly, deliciously gay discotheque. This might just be me.

  27. Karl
    July 7th, 2006 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    >Distressed Jeans Joke Alert !
    >… in today’s Pluggers.

    Wow. Who’s next — Garfield disdainfully refusing to pay for distressed jeans? Mark Trail gets attacked by a bobcat and is later teased for his “fashionable distressed jeans”?

    This trend is especially funny when you consider that distressed jeans are SO three-or-four-seasons-ago. Heck, how about some comics about the I-sat-in-a-puddle-of-bleach jeans of last year?

  28. Grendell
    July 7th, 2006 at 6:35 am [Reply]

    Ahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Mark Trail!

    Can’t stop laughing!

    Makes me end every sentence with a exclamation mark!

    So yeah, we’ve switched to the wounded bear’s point of view now. Very clever storytelling device.

  29. Grendell
    July 7th, 2006 at 6:37 am [Reply]

    Hmmm. I am obiously not HTML-savvy enough to make these linkthingies work. So here.

    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mark.asp?date=20060707

  30. Chris
    July 7th, 2006 at 6:50 am [Reply]

    This morning’s Mary Worth is…disturbing…really, really disturbing.

    And Jane Jetson in Judge Parker is clearly double dipping into the Parker inkwell…well, that didn’t make sense, but you know what I mean.

    I think she and June Morgan should make a Randy sandwich…and the judge could be the cream filled center of a doctor hoagie.

    What has happened to the comics??!

  31. Scumbaggioni
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    #28/29:

    AAAAAIIIIEEEE! BEAR IS TALKING? CANNOT BE! NEXT BEAR IS DRIVING CAR AND TAKING MY JOB!! SHOOT BEAR AND BUILD FENCE!!

  32. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    $250 may seem like a lot, but remember– these are three-legged jeans. They’re not easy to find.

    Nobody under the age of 80 is named Titus.

  33. Scumbaggioni
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    The comic Grendell linked reminded me that other bears were busy noshing on human over at A**holine Galley.

    http://www.comicspage.com/gasoline/gasolinealley.html

    THIS little blurb caught my eye:

    Gasoline Alley by Jim Scancarelli…is a gentle, good-natured continuing story of four generations of Wallets. Readers return daily for this positive slice of life, with universal themes and commonplace situations.”

    …Commonplace situations. Like this:

    A man chasing bears who have “kidnapped” his grandson mistakes the sound of squirrels eating junk food for the mauling of his charge. Chasing the squirrels away by hosing them down with flammable liquid, he walks away gobbling down some stolen food as the liquid pours into an unattended campfire…having completely forgotten about his grandson’s mortal peril.

    …Oh, THOSE kinds of commonplace situations.

    Pick one:
    (1) Severely Retarded.
    (2) Thank God It Was Only A Dream.
    (3) Worst Comic Strip Ever.

    I guess that kid is the fourth…and last…generation of Wallets.

  34. BigBlueGopher
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    I think the rampant bitch-slapping in today’s Phantom is worth a shout. No manly punching here; if you insist on wearing a purple leotard then I guess slapping a grown man is in keeping with your persona.

    I may have let the leotard thing go. I may even have tolerated the fact it’s purple, but I just cannot stand by and watch a big, purple, steroid abusing, leotard-clad wolf-lover slap another man across the face (twice) without voicing my amusement.

    I think the victim of this attack speaks for us all when he thinks “!!”

    Oh-Ghost-Who-Bitch-Slaps-Grown-Men

  35. Bethany
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    JP: Okay, how many of you snap your fingers with your thumb and your first finger? I personally use my middle finger.

  36. TheMagicMel
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    I’m sure someone else commented on this already, but I happened to be reading the comics in an actual newspaper this weekend (not the select chosen few on the web like most days) and ended up reading Sally Forth. There was Hillary and her chia headed friend looking at 4 Evah & Eva on the internet… What time warp occurred to allow this to happen??? Hasn’t Hill been 12 or whatever for decades, while time progresses in FOOB? And comic crossovers do not impress – they usually just make me roll my eyes & add one more to my large list of never-read-agains. Blech.

  37. Woodrowfan
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    maybe the car wash is in Idaho.

  38. ISBN
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    GT: Gil Thorp’s daughter has nothign to worry about. She’s got Cornelia, er… Riya, on her side!

    http://www.echonews.com/732/images/planet_apes.jpg

  39. doladiva
    July 7th, 2006 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    i haven’t read mary worth in years and now you have me reading it. thanks for laughs.

  40. Dan B
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    MW: Dude’s last name is a horrible rendering of “stalker”? Ugh. It’s like TDIET is working it’s way into Charterstone.

    A3G: With wild mood swings like that, it’s no wonder Lucy is cheating on Ted. He goes from head-bobblin’ rage to finger-pointin’ suave in no less than three panels. Well, that and the fact that apparently Ted doesn’t talk to Lucy for a couple of hours and he uses that as an excuse to try and get some hot Tommie action.

  41. Matt
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    I’m gonna shut my eyes for the next few weeks whenever I see the words “Mary Worth”. This is just disgusting. Next thing you know, it’ll be tentacle rape.

  42. Kyle
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    AirForbes, never mind floral-patterned tights, I’ve never seen a gymnast wearing any kind of tights, and my sister was a gymnast from the time she was four until she was 16 or so. They need their feet bare, and it’s always about 4,000,000° in practice gyms.

    I am going to assume that Miss Thorp has some kind of terrible rash on her legs that she covers up with footless tights. Maybe the other girl can be catty about that next week!

  43. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    If you had to go to gymnastics with one of the Thorp kids, you’d be catty too.

  44. Tom
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    What I particularly appreciate about GT is the helpful way the artist explains that, when Hayley Keeler says, “Too bad you aren’t so perfect at meets!,” that means she isn’t so impressed by Keri Thorp’s dismount. Otherwise the reader might think Hayley was being sincere, and Keri’s comment in the last panel would seem like a non sequitur. I am being sarcastic.

  45. Jimmy
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Mary !!! Aldo Kelrast? KELRAST is an anagram for “stalker.” PUT AWAY THOSE CROSSWORD PUZZLES and take out the Scrabble board and prove me right… while there is still time!

  46. ez_E
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    I love the time-warp quality of TDIET – the guy has an email address but every time he does an office scene there’s a secretary with a Lucy Ricardo hairdo pecking away at a typewriter.

    and today’s strip uses the phrase “J’Ever…?”

    “I’m thinking that there’s gonna be lots of long hours on the campaign trail where they’ll be … learning how to use chopsticks, if you get my drift.”
    Do you mean he’s going to ‘feed the kitty’?

  47. blueeyes
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    #47: Al Scaduto’s assistant prints every e-mail sent to that address for him to read. There is no way on God’s green Earth that Al can check his e-mail by himself.

  48. ez_E
    July 7th, 2006 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    47 – ah, I hadn’t thought of that – I’m sure you’re right. I picture a woman in a rayon floral dress with a beehive typing them out on one of those big black typewriters

  49. Justin
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    How does one become Al Scaduto’s assistant? Because my résumé is poised and ready. Oh yeah!

  50. Dji
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    #42. It’s a floral-patterned rash. She wears it with pride.

  51. treedweller
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    #49/F Minus We got this on a trial run for awhile when Boondocks went on hiatus. Then we moved on to Tina’s Groove, and now we have Candorville (first trial was Prickly City). I’ve followed F- pretty closely online ever since they stopped running it. I have taken to writing them an email every time they try out a new strip (and occasionally in between) saying my vote is for F Minus.

    And I tell them that, whatever they do, PLEASE don’t pick up Prickly City, unless it is to replace Mallard Fillmore.

    And I never forget to mention that Cathy still sucks.

  52. SNF
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Please tell me I’m not the only person who spent a few minutes trying to find a link between being a pain-in-the-ass cheapstake at the car wash and shakespearean nutjob Titus Andronicus.

    Must be too much Pibgorn lately.

  53. rich
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Nice job, 40 and 45, picking up on the “Aldo Kelrast” anagram (and I was hoping the author was making a clever reference to the Kelpfroths!)

    So what would be the full anagram? “Load Stalker”? “Old-a Stalker”?

  54. James Schend
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    >> This trend is especially funny when you consider that distressed jeans are SO three-or-four-seasons-ago. Heck, how about some comics about the I-sat-in-a-puddle-of-bleach jeans of last year?

    Hey, I’m pretty impressed that TDIET actually knows that jeans exist. I mean, Levi only invented them in, what, 1870? Considering he doesn’t know about typewriters (which were fairly common by 1870), I’d say that’s a step forward.

  55. David V. Matthews
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Re. #45: Aldo Kelrast’s full name is an anagram for…Load Stalker. OR for…

    O Lad Stalker!

  56. BassoGap
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT – Nevermind the floral-print tights yesterday…take a look at Von Haney’s haircut today. Let’s see…Brian Bosworth had his hair like that in…what, ’86 or so? Vanilla Ice a couple years later, I’d say.

    MW – This is either going to have us laughing at his unsuccessful pick-up lines, or retching at the successful ones…

    MT – “What th…who is that?” It’s Deus ex Machina, of course, the poachers we’ve been waiting two weeks to see, in a helicopter! Yeah, because a helicopter allows them to be subtle and discreet about shooting a bear in a park full of people.

    9CL – At least the good Father is back…and you’ve gotta love the dig at POTUS in panel 2.

    Wait a sec…Mayo riots in Maine? Did nobody else notice this?
    Are Maine-iacs on the rampage because the Legionnaires in Crock have entire pits of the stuff, while Down Easters run low on their precious Hellmann’s?
    Will the mobs trash the local LLBean outlet?
    Will we see a comics-crossover in Sunday’s Non Sequitor?
    And what about…Naomi?*

    *semi-obscure ’70s kids tv line

  57. James Schend
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Here’s a true challenge for TDIET submissions: Try to get a internet-based submission made into a comic.

    “The boss doesn’t want to remove the ‘all users’ email option from users in the hospital. But when an email is accidentally sent to all users every week, who’s the culprit? Oh, yeah!!”

  58. Justafoob
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    By the way, didn’t the Foobersons have a son? And wasn’t said son’s kid sick with Ebola or something?

    Robin was really sick and then died. Mike is going to write an essay about it soon. The thrust of his thesis is the fact that his wife turned into a cold fish when she spurned his advances on her the night after the funeral. Little did she understand how turned on he is by grief.

  59. James Schend
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Or how about this one: An office worker goes to the IT department and asks to have “Adobe” install on their computer. Then you have to sit there and quiz them for five minutes trying to figure out WHAT Adobe product they want. Oh, yeah!!

    … maybe I’m projecting a little.

  60. Dan B
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    #54: Maybe the whole thing is one word and we’ve been way off in looking for two words. Stalkeraldo! Just like the Eagles song – “stalkeraldo, you better come to your senses. you been stalking defenseless, old lady at Charterstone.”

    my other thought was that maybe it’s a TDIET thing, like “I’ll do” Stalker. i can’t make any sense of Mary Worth. who in the hell stalks Mary Worth? how horrible is your life that you stalk Mary Worth? at least it’s not “Momma”, but still.

  61. Air Forbes
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    I think the (DT)GT artist has gymnastics and ice skating confused. I’m going to assume that Keri has those flowers tattooed on her legs (not that it isn’t still ugly).

  62. Holy Prepuce
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    #53 I’m totally into the Titus Andronicus idea; e.g. “Titus just can’t seem to see the ‘feed the kitty can,’ but, like, y’see, his vision improves enough to cut out the carwash owner’s tongue, then feed him a pie stuffed with the baked remains of his workers!

  63. MrP
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Mr. Stalker, there, seems to be largely harmless. His hand movements as he moves to help the poor woman who pricked her finger on a rose stem (OH GOD SHE’S GONNA DIE) are clearly those of a stereotypical homosexual man. The pink shirt seals the deal.

    Seriously. Try standing like that and moving your arms like that while saying anything at all. The only occasion where you’ll be standing with your arms like that is if you’re not standing, but doing a stereotypical-homosexual-man-crying-and-running-away-from-someone impression.

  64. Air Forbes
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    #60 – I go through that with somebody every week!

  65. Irina
    July 7th, 2006 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    So much for having the first observation on the talking bear. “What th’!” indeed.

    Was wondering why Ces decided to give 4Evah and Eva a recording deal. Will that ensure a saccarinely successful future storyline by LJ?

    Please, o please have a future strip have goth girl read a news story about the rapid decline, fall and subsequent repeated drug rehab of the members of the once wildly-popular Candadian teen band, 4Evah and Eva?

    Finally, a note on the Mary Worth/Cpt. Kangaroo upcoming love fest. For those of you who are troubled that Bob Keeshan died several years ago, take heart. As anyone who has read Mary Shelley can tell you, Mary’s handy-dandy Electric Finger can bring the cadaver back to life.

    Now the only question is where she should put it.

    Ooooooo. Let’s not go there.

    PS: Yesterday’s ping pong ball comment made me spit diet pepsi all over my monitor. :)

  66. tefflan
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    I think I understand what is happening in Judge Parker. Katherine is trying to desensitize Randy to the mother-son thing. When Katherine thinks Randy is ready, she will take him to a motel and they can act out her “mother-son” fantasy scene without him thinking it is too weird.

  67. rich
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Some other Aldo Kelrast anagrams:

    Karate dolls
    A talker’s old
    Stalked oral
    Ordeal talks
    Old rats leak

    And Mary Worth:

    Ram worthy
    Wry ham rot

    http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/

  68. Dan B
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    #68: Mary Worth = “ram worthy”. i’m, uh, gonna go throw up.

  69. JEdens
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    9CL – I’m not sure what the Thorax/Priest encounters are about – maybe a commentary about two wacky belief systems? Are the teachings of the RC Church really any less strange than Thorax’s

  70. Monkey David
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one who hear the “Debbie Downer” music from SNL (waa waa waa) when I read “Funky Winkerbean” everyday?

  71. edgeways
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    oh man, i just realized Ihad a PBS inspired dream last night and didn’t realize it till right now. I (in my dream) suddenly had a tattoo on my neck.

  72. edgeways
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    not only is Keri wearing dangerious tights, but also long sleeves, the only one there doing so it seems. Next up, gymnastics in burkas

  73. BassoGap
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Dan B (#69) – “Ram worthy” just means the van that’s about to plow through the garden, taking out Mary, Captain Bob and those damn prickly roses will have been built by Dodge.

  74. bob dobbs
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Carwashes used to pull your car through on a conveyor (hooked to the car) while the customer walked along a hallway with windows to see the car being washed – But since the wheel roller system was introduced the customer remains in the car – quicker and safer as well since you don’t have people slipping on the wet pavement getting in & out of their car, etc. The scene in TDIET is from the 60′s to the early 70′s at the latest. Further evidence that Mr. Scaduto is is a time warp.

  75. Smitty Q. Smedlap
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    #23 — The last time Dr. Jeff had a rival for Mary’s affections was some handsome fellow…what was his name again?……Let’s see, I think it was something like….Smitty Smedlap! Oh yeah! Dr. Jeff….damn feesh eater…..mumble mumble mumble….

  76. Holy Prepuce
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    #75 actually there’s a carwash up the street from me in D.C. that still has this set-up. But what’s not clear to me is how they’re supposed to hear him through the glass.

  77. ez_E
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    I sent Mr. Scaduto one that was a little racy – in more family friendly terms, along the lines of “your girlfriend won’t (orally pleasure) you, but then you catch her with the neighbor…etc etc and so on…Oh yeah yeah! Of course!”
    I like to picture him reaching for his heart pills

  78. cheech wizard
    July 7th, 2006 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    JP – Katherine is confused. Your son is somebody who comes out of your happy place, not in it.

    Also, what’s the deal with all the magical finger-snapping and zapping in JP and MW? Clearly, Katherine and Mary are witches, and must be burnt. And they will be, once I finish bagging up this week’s papers and take them out to the fire pit.

    Finally, in FOOB – doesn’t Liz seem to be getting dowdier and dowdier the past few years – she used to look like she might be a fairly cute young chick, but now she’s all pasty round-faced and wears her hair tied up like a Mennonite. No doubt she’ll soon complete the look by dressing in long, homespun dresses like a pioneer woman. Which will be perfect for when she gets carried off by an Indian.

  79. Austin
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Does no one do crosswords? I found it interesting that Josh said TDIET had to “up the ante” when the strip was about “feeding the kitty.” As anyone who does crosswords regularly, if the clue is “feed the kitty,” the answer is “ante.”

    Go Josh!

  80. Harry Worth
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    By the end of summer, Mary is going to be putting her dimestore swans out in the shed so they don’t see her getting down with the Cap’n. Cap’n Roo is just waiting for that electric finger to be up his butt sparking his love life.

  81. SNF
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    HolyPrepuce:

    “Titus just can’t seem to see the ‘feed the kitty can,’ but, like, y’see, his vision improves enough to cut out the carwash owner’s tongue, then feed him a pie stuffed with the baked remains of his workers! Oh yeah!

    There, fixed that for ya.

  82. Joan
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    dlauthor: Thanks for pointing out the Mallard Fillmore. I only read it when someone here is swearing at it. I think it’s hilarious because to me, the “Their strategy is either to ‘celebrate diversity’ or increase D.C.’s market share among 13 year old boys” is akin to someone with a confused and shocked look on their face saying that McDonald’s advertising strategy “is either to make their food more interesting, … or sell more of it to the people who want to eat it.” WHAT COULD THEY BE THINKING??!!

    Dumbass Mallard Fillmore.

    MT: I hope that Kelly (the girl reporter who didn’t want to cover the stupid outdoor clothing show) in the helicopter lands soon and gets to interview the talking bear, because that’s a story that totally beats anything Mark could write about poachers.

    Kelly to MT: So, you found evidence of poachers? Ho-hum. I interviewed a talking bear! And he gave me a description of the poachers who shot him. Dominick Dunne is interviewing us next week about the case. The bear and I are going to be on the cover of Vanity Fair. In your face, Nature Boy!

    Finally, speaking of jeans, when did Little Orphan Annie start wearing pants?! Jeans, no less. I didn’t even realize the strip was still running until I saw the ad for Annie merchandise on the comicspage.com site. She looks like a cute little babydyke. What will Mallard Fillmore say?

  83. rich
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    76: Smitty Smedlap — such ladylike fingernails!

  84. BassoGap
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    No! Not the shed, Harry Worth (#81)…

    Ted’s in there, since the backyard bbq. He used to be in the closet, but he found it a bit too cramped.

  85. Merdz
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    JP: If my stepmother ever started looking at me the way those two are looking at each other, I’d freak out. “I may not be your birth mother, but I can still undress you with my eyes!”

    FOOB: Where is Liz (a.k.a “the white goose that will never fully leave her parents’ house”) going to get the money to buy a car?

    GT: Ladies, ladies. This is why you play soccer instead of doing gymnastics… because if you need to kick someone’s ass, you get an opportunity. By the way, don’t wear your grandmothers’ wigs to practice.

    TDIET: I don’t think showerheads are sufficient to rinse off a car.

  86. Meggie
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Man, can someone tell me what’s happening in A3-G? I haven’t been able to seee those comics forever. I’m addicited to them! It’s like I neeed a 12 step program, or something!

  87. Joan
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    87 — Tommie got wet talking to some married guy on the stoop and now she’s invited him into the apartment for some “tea”.

  88. Eric
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Whoa. What’s up with zombie gymnast Riya in the last panel of Gil Thorp there? Man, I miss so much ’cause the LA Times doesn’t carry these awesomely bad strips.

  89. lizpet
    July 7th, 2006 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    If Mary Worth lives in an apartment, why is she out pruning the roses? Seems like the management or the contracted landscaper might have an issue with that.

  90. dre
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    holy crap. i just have to say that i have avoided mallard fillmore for years, remembering it as unfunny and pointless. numerous disses in comments on this blog have motivated me to give it a glance. i just perused the last week’s worth of mallard strips, and i am astonished at how hateful it has become. it has actually made me sad. pessimism and hopelessness are rising within me. should a comic strip be credited for inducing intense feelings, even if the feelings are not happiness or enjoyment? mallard fillmore is a very effective and affective comic strip.

  91. King Dogmeat
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    I think the name Titus is a tip of the ol’ Hatlo hat to that great comic strip of yore, Bringing Up Father, one of whose characters was named Titus Canby (get it?).

    There’s no doubt, TDIET rules. I like how Titus finishes his tirade with “Y’Hear?” I am also developing admiration for Mary Worth. In the first panel, Mary is emitting electric shocks through her index finger, which Captain Kangaroo deftly fends off by a mighty thrust of his forearm. Lots of action there.

  92. tefflan
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    #87 Meggie: Go to

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComics.mpl

    Click on A3G.

    Enjoy!

  93. Tim May
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Nobody under the age of 80 is named Titus.

    Quite the reverse, actually, at least in the US. According to the NameVoyager, it’s essentially unknown until the 1950s, and has been rising steeply since the 90s, to around 100 Tituses per million babies.

  94. rich
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    From the kindly expression on Mary’s face it seems that she actually believes Captain Stalkeroo…don’t her spidey-veins usually start to tingle in the presence of evil?

  95. BigJoe
    July 7th, 2006 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    95 – Hee hee, spidey veins tingling, good one. Mary at her age undoubtably has spider veins, nice play on words.

  96. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: Did no one point out that the nondescript make/model of the car must be at least 30 years old?

  97. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Mallard: So, what you’re implying is that 13 year old boys like pictures of women in tight spandex? And you find this distressing? Funny? Strange? Tinsley, why are you thinking so much about 13 year old boys and their fantasies, anyway?

  98. Anonymous
    July 7th, 2006 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    #90 Mary does live in a condo and there is a nice “gentleman gardener” who has “deflowered” or is that “pruned her roses” for years. I can’t recall his name but he should definitely have a role in this story line. Perhaps he’ll emerge from behind the shed and take Cap’n stalker to task.

    The Charterston gardener is a professional. No way he would be “gardening” without protection, er gloves.

    I blame Mary’s “electric finger” for my new love of quotes

  99. Duane Schneider
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Tommie got wet talking to some married guy on the stoop and now she’s invited him into the apartment for some “tea”.

    I think that Tommie is going to slip into something comfortable (a 1970ish Mary Tyler Mooreish nightgown) and come out and find her married guy friend naked and saying he wants to be the “teabag”.

    Margo will walk in on the two of them and say, “Wow, looks like I am going to have to grab a lemon and some milk!!!”

  100. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: This is why I like Phantom. We never see action super heroes like Spidey bitch slap a terr’ist. I am, however, clueless about Sade’s motive here. He’s stolen a copter

    MT: We usually get one, but today we get two panels of huge talking animals. In panel 2, MT and Ranger Rick are so small that they’re hardly noticable. It looks like the bear’s nose is talking with no human in sight. I had to laugh hard at this one.

  101. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, what I was saying on Phantom was that Sade/Chatu stole a copter, but then what’s he going to do with it? He can’t invade a whole country with one chopper.

  102. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: 7/7/06 – Give the cop a break. He apprehended two disorderly individuals, one of which had a machete. He even had to temporarily pocket his cheese danish during the event in question. Two thugs are now in jail due to the quick actions of Officer Bo Bunion. Figure it out, y’hear?

  103. Bootsybooks
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: You had to see yesterday when he decided “I mustn’t hit this killer with the CLOSED fist he deserves!”

    Apparently, bitch-slapping him was the plan all along, see.

  104. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: 7/6/06 (featured above): Did it occur to J. Coleman of Portland ME that Titus does, in fact, see the tip jar, but ignores it because those backwards baseball hat wearing morons have not done a good job? I like to tip the waiter at the end of the meal, and not prior to service. It insures some incentive, and it’s not like the waiter will be able to spend it while he/she is supposed to be serving my meal anyway.

  105. Hogenmogen
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    104 – Oh, so it was a premeditated bitch slap. The Phantom rocks!

  106. camel
    July 7th, 2006 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Oh dear oh dear. I am getting a verrrrrrrry bad feeling about FOOB. Please, Ms Johnson! PLEASE don’t send Elizabeth into the hell that would be marriage with Anthony! Why oh why couldn’t you have her falling for the lovely policeman and living a wonderful life up north? Instead you had to bring her down, and us along with. Now you have her at the cliff’s edge, with the Rocks Of Anthony below.

    Please – don’t push her over the cliff….

  107. rich
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    102: He can’t invade a whole country with one chopper.

    No, but if he had a chopper and the nuclear code…

  108. Scumbaggioni
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    #107: There are two scenarios, neither pleasant:

    (1) Lizardo drops Da Bomb on Widow’s-Walk Anthony. Anthony goes off Da Deep End, kicking and screaming like Ned Flanders. Whether he takes himself out, or Lizardo, goes for the Combo Platter, or fails miserably on all fronts thanks to suicide-by-cop is up to the author. The only thing that’s sure is, all this would be dragged out for approximately three years.

    (2) Lizardo falls onto the rocks below (Anthony). Dudley Do-Right gets sent packing right back to Mtigawagawuuwuuwikiptong (Ni!), trying to cancel his transfer. Off Da Deep End? He IS a cop. He could be a very effective variation of Kelpfart if he went to Da Dark Side. Or maybe he just leaves. Either way, Lizardo would stand there as he storms away, wearing that blank expression of self-justifying me-first bitchery.

    Maladroit Fillmore: Talk about out of touch; I don’t think many thirteen-year-olds even read superhero comics anymore. Mostly geeks and burnouts in their thirties and forties. Anyway, as one such geek/burnout, I can say that DC has had gay and lesbian superheroes/villain around for a while now (I think Fire was the first there, and hardly the only one) and Bruce Tinsley has NO idea what’s going on in comics today. The outrageous violence alone should be freaking people out, not Batwoman’s orientation. (…Should we tell him about Marvel’s Northstar? Oh, let’s.)

    But then, Tinny’s proven on many occasions that he has no interest whatsoever in knowing what he’s talking about; he’s just keeping his base agitated (and the rest of us bemused by his ridiculousness).

  109. Chris
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    104: Apparently, bitch-slapping him was the plan all along, see.

    Actually, it was, because the Ghost Who Walks wears a skull ring that leaves an imprint that identifies the puncher indelibly as The Phantom. He’s pretending to be

  110. Proteus
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Hogenmogen #101. No not just two panels with talking animals – we also get a talking tree in the first panel. Trioka! Trifecta! Tripple Crown! I think its a first. And even though I’m used to Mark Trail’s Amazing Talking Animals, today’s faunal chatter is more direct, more gratuitous than I’ve ever seen. Usually you can imagine that Jack Elrod imagines that the pointy part of the word bubble is aimed at the people, not the critters. But damn it that bear is talking, no mistake. And he’s got a lot to say, folks.

  111. Chris
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    …oops…from my 110 post…he’s pretending to be The Python.

    /clicked before finishing, sorry.

  112. dan
    July 7th, 2006 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    I think you need to rename your tip jar “the kitty.”

  113. Library Cat
    July 7th, 2006 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/dennis.asp

    Damn straight Dennis, damn straight.

  114. Library Cat
    July 7th, 2006 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    #114 And according to Josh’s next post, that makes me a Plugger. Well deep down, I always knew.

  115. rich
    July 8th, 2006 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    109, re Mallard: Well put. One bit in Friday’s strip that I especially loved was how the phrase “celebrate diversity” made Mallard’s brows furrow, independent of each other, at such wild angles. (Because that “celebrating diversity” stuff is a bunch of liberal hooey — well, except when the GOP tries to desperately spotlight people like JC Watts and the Log Cabin Republicans…)

  116. Malc
    July 8th, 2006 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    “Titus” is basically “tight ass”, right?

    The “feed the kitty” concept is either a group of employees trying to scam customers for wage supplements without management knowledge, or it’s a tips policy that management approves of because they know full well that something has to be done to stop employees organizing to bitch about their meagre wages.

    Either way, the question remains: What kind of social retard imagines that their pro-management view of the world will be accepted by most of the general public?

  117. Colin
    July 8th, 2006 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    get with it y’hear?

    that just sounds like bad, 80s-90s rap music.

    and seriously, the ripped jeans fad is still in with a few people my age. I’m 16, and I don’t even like the way it looks.

  118. Craig Shergold
    July 18th, 2006 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    “You know you’re a butt-plugger when…”

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