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No, really, “poop bags”

Archie, 7/13/10

Archie takes a break today from typical teenage whimsy to explore Riverdale’s grim economics. Lazy layabout Jughead can’t maintain the income necessary to fund his burger habit; Archie, who is marginally more employable and may be writing himself checks from the checkbook stolen from Mr. Lodge’s desk, has agreed to float his friend enough cash to keep him fed, but at significant interest rates — and now those debts are coming due. Terrified at Archie’s suddenly revealed violent side (he’s holding a gun in his left hand in panel three, just out of our field of vision), Jughead seeks out “Pop,” his substitute father figure, coming up with some feeble excuse to try to beg for shelter and protection without Archie noticing. But we can see from his rage in panel two that, if Jughead can’t afford his greasy diner food, Pop wants nothing to do with him, and in panel three he shows that he wants no part of this scene. Jughead will be lucky to escape Archie’s implacable wrath with only a missing thumb or two.

(Seriously, though, if someone could explain to me what’s actually supposed to be happening here, I’d sure appreciate it.)

Apartment 3-G, 7/13/10

Speaking of sudden turns to grimness, I Dressed In The Dark is beginning to look less like What Not To Wear and more like a reality-show version of 24, with the sadistic Mama Kat taking the role of the chief torturer. The girls will submit to her aesthetic demands, no matter how many beatings she has to dish out. But the once bickering roommates will come together now that they’re literally under attack from outsiders; naturally, Margo has taken a leadership role, and she’s demonstrating exactly why, for all her faults, you want her on your side in times of trouble. I look forward to this battle of implacable wills!

Mark Trail, 7/13/10

You might think that Mark Trail owning a cell phone is terribly anachronistic for this strip. The police officer certainly does, based on his puzzled expression in the final panel (“Hey, my uniform indicates that I just arrived here from 1965, and this freak is talking into some tiny sci-fi gadget!”). Still, you have to admit that a mobile phone really allows Mark to ignore the feelings of the people around him, as is his wont. “Excuse me while I take this call … Hi, honey, what’s up? No, I’m not busy, there’s just some old lady here weeping about how they’re going to take away the only things that make her life worth living, some crap like that, I dunno.” Cherry’s glad to be able to get a hold of Mark now, but she’ll regret it when she realizes that with his new phone he doesn’t even have to return home from a romantic horseback ride to get a call from his editor Bill Ellis that will take him out of range of her clumsy seduction attempts.

Dennis the Menace, 7/13/10

Dennis the Menace the character may no longer be menacing, but today’s Dennis the Menace the cartoon panel was apparently menacing to the colorists, who decided that trying to render the vibrating Mitchells in color using the Photoshop tools at their disposal wasn’t worth the effort. This in no way makes up for the fact that the whole “joke” here is that Dennis belched forth a punny malapropism. That’s the sort of thing that Jeffy Keane does, Dennis. Do you want to be like Jeffy Keane?

Cathy, 7/13/10

We interrupt our usual studied ignorance of Cathy to note that today’s “punchline” contains the phrase “poop bags.” We now return you to our usual refusal to acknowledge Cathy’s existence.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 at 12:12 pm and is filed under Apartment 3-G, Archie, Cathy, Dennis the Menace, Mark Trail. |

388 responses to “No, really, “poop bags””

  1. Metz77
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    I think Jughead is using the menu to hide his face so that Archie doesn’t see he’s there, so that he can avoid paying him back.

    Good thing he doesn’t have any distinctive clothing that nobody else wears!

  2. DAS
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    I figured that Jughead lost a bet involving either some or other item on the menu or that the bet involved what Pop would say if Jughead actually asked for a menu rather than ordering from memory. It was either a bet or Jughead has been mis-stating the prices of menu items to Archie and Archie’s figured out the scam.

    BTW — I don’t know why I found the punchline of poop-bags so funny. Having a 5 year old kid will do that to you, I guess.

  3. ElkMeadow
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Dennis is going another Crankshaft. Actually he already is.

    Or Crankshaft was the original Dennis The Menace and what we’ve been seeing is a long string of clones. Each one lives for a year, and then is dispensed for the “new and improved” model. Which given the degeneration of DNA because of the constant recopying, explains why Dennis is now The Mildly Irritating, but with the occasional spark that the original had.

  4. Molly
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    I must admit Archie took me awhile to “get.” I think Jughead is using the menu to hide from Archie. First, I thought he had to go through it because he needed to find something cheaper than hamburgers which were really expensive (because he couldn’t afford them). Then, maybe he had to buy Archie something because he owed him money?

    Anyway, you made me LOL out loud so thank you. :)

  5. ElkMeadow
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    I call that Mike never asks Jenna out on another date, not on his own.

    But we know that Mary would meddle him into calling her anyway, even though his parents are in the process of buying him a bride and have plans to move in with the newly-weds.

  6. Graddy
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Ah, Metz77 appears to be right. Still confusing with Archie standing right behind him, and looking right at Jughead, which would imply that they came in together. But even when trying to avoid creditors he refuses to take off the hat, which makes the whole hiding-one’s-face-in-a-menu trick wonderfully pointless.

  7. Shawn S.
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Archie: If I had to guess, Jughead is looking for something cheaper to buy since he can’t avoid eating Pop’s greasy food everyday. How this is funny I’m not sure. AJGLU3000, your Hilarity Algorithm should be working flawlessly by now! I expect better!

    A3G: Good, I can feel your anger! Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the makeover will be complete!

    Dennis: I believe Ketchum has caught a bad case of Parkinsons and is pulling a Jeffy Keane to try and explain the whole thing. Tomorrow he won’t be so lucky.

  8. UnclGhost
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    He’s hiding (that’s why he’s whispering).

  9. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    If Mark has a cell phone, does that mean Officer Murphy there has the technology to call HQ and trace the phone number that Stashy McSideburns gave to Cherry to next door, and we can get to the punchin’ by early next week!?

    Didn’t think so.

    They’ll solve this the old-fashioned way. Sassy will bark, Rusty will recognize it, and they’ll bust down Stashy’s door like a vigilante lynch mob. In the Trailiverse, if you swipe a puppy you forego all your civil rights forever.

  10. Mac
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G is even more fun if you give Kat an eastern European accent. “I will break you! All of you!” Not that breaking Tommie or LuAnn would be so hard. The French could probably do that much.

  11. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile in the Babysitting Battle of Wits…

  12. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Cathy: Why would Cathy want to take Marvin on vacation with her?

  13. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#11): Well done! Beyond even your usual brilliance.

  14. tbiggs
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    AJGLU3000 has apparently discerned some kind of humor in placing various food items onto Jughead’s hat as if they were smashed there – but violates continuity since the food is on the same poster behind him. Or maybe it’s read enough press releases to believe that E-Ink is in common use out in the real world, common enough to be used on throwaway ads on greasy-spoon diner walls.

    And yeah, as Metz77 says, of course Archie won’t recognize Jughead for any reason as long as there’s a menu in front of his face… even though Archie is approaching from behind. I guess this is the AJGLU3K version of the little kid holding his hands over his eyes and saying “you can’t see me I’m invisible!”

  15. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G: So are we to assume the cameras are rolling and this is live TV, circa 1954?

  16. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#11): Now that’s what I want to see when I open my newspaper tomorrow morning.

  17. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    A3G is like the most vanilla BDSM pron setup ever. Mistress Margo, I will break you! she says, and then no whips or chains or anything of the sort are produced. There better be at least some stiletto heels in this story arc, or else I’m never going to break my pron addiction.

    Actually, my first thought on reading that strip was,” oh no she didn’t!” which seems to be what MArgo is also thinking. Even Tommie finally looks unhappy. The only thing that would make this better was if the neighbour, Mrs Whatever, showed up with her taser.

  18. Black Drazon
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Cracked.com is running an article on stupid superhero disguises today, and I think “Jughead, wearing his hat, covering the side of his body away from the people looking at him,” probably qualifies. With his metabolism and flying hat, Jugs has certainly got more superheroics going than Spider-Man.

  19. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, Cathy-mutt, put the treats and the poop bags in the same zippered pocket. Bon appétit!

  20. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#19): To be fair, I really don’t think the poop bags would be filled when they’re in the suitcase.

    But this is Cathy. Who knows what could happen.

  21. Chyron HR
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Ha ha, that Cathy! She thinks a giant suitcase is a “carry-on bag” that can go onto the plane with her! It’s going to take up an entire overhead bin, and she’ll make everyone wait for twenty minutes while she removes it after the plane lands!

    Luckily nobody in the real world behaves like this kooky comic strip character, I tell you what.

  22. Cooler King
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    I don’t generally read Cathy, but I occasionally pause to glance at an awkwardly scribbled panel of a bikini-ed Cathy cramming cake into her face while shouting “Ack!” before continuing to read down the page to the strip below: a comparatively boner-inducing re-FOOB.

    However, these fleeting moments are enough to have given me one sole opinion of Cathy, both the strip and the character: “sack of crap.” So I guess long story short, what I’m saying is if Cathy Guisewhite wants to take a vacation, I could probably handle the fill-in duties for a while.

  23. Crankenstank
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    The debt Jughead owes Archie is clearly for having hired Arch to do an unspeakable act to Jughead. He is truly hiding not from Archie, but from his own self-revulsion at his unquenchable appetite for crimes against nature. Soon he will weigh 300 pounds, eating burger after burger to try to mask the shame behind the cold comforts of fat and carbohydrates.

  24. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Archie (take two): That’s no gun — Archie’s just glad to see Jughead!

    DtM: The “shake” (shock) is that some people still consider you a menace! Why can’t you be more like Hans and Fritz Katzenjammer? Hmmm…

    Apt. 3-G (take two): Mama Kat drops her disguise and reveals herself as… Mama Katzenjammer from Rudolf Dirks’ Katzenjammer Kids comic! (“… I VILL BREAK YOU DOWN!”)

  25. Don Audace
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Usually, a loanshark like Archie would have one of his goons collect the money or make the hit, so there’s gotta be something more than “just business” between Archie and Jughead for Archie to settle the the debt personally. Maybe simply it’s their longstanding friendship; perhaps in Archie’s twisted mobster morality he feels that it’s more honorable for Judhead to die at the hands of a close friend rather than of a low-level enforcer like Reggie, like Tony Soprano refusing to turn his cousin over to Phil Leotardo.

    Anyway, this line of thought raises all kinds of questions about Riverdale’s crime syndicates. For which family does Archie work? Is he a made man? Who’s his capo? His underboss? Aside from loan sharking, what other rackets does Archie run?

    Alas, the Riverdale Mob is one of the most closed and secretive; hiding in plain sight beneath a whitebread veneer of smalltown WASPishness and corny jokes for 79 years, it has thwarted all attempts to penetrate it, and its continued success remains a mystery to authorities.

  26. Binder's Butter Beans
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Jeffy Keane is pretty menacing…how many times have we seen his ass in the last six months? Too many, that’s how many. Dennis, since he seems to have forgotten how to be menacing, would do well to take young Jeffy as his role model.

  27. JD
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    I like the fact that Mark Trail’s phone didn’t even ring. Clearly there’s no one on the other end; it’s just a prop he carries to end conversations that lack punching.

  28. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#19): then again, I thought one of the funniest things I ever saw as a kid was our pet poodle chewing on a cow patty from a not-too-composted bag of steer compost.

  29. NoahSnark
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    If you replaced Kat with a 300 pound inmate named Bubba the dialog would still work – and I would still place my money on Margo.

  30. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Don Audace (#25): Your analysis reminds me of this. From MAD magazine, 1954.

  31. Dude...wait...what?
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    Dennis has chosen to menace his parents by removing the suspension and cutting the brake lines on his parents car. Sounds pretty menacing to me

  32. Joe the Plugger
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait for 9 Chickweed Lane’s first poop-bag joke.

  33. Spunde
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Does the first panel of “Cathy” have anything to do with anything? Would it add, detract, or in any way change the effect of the rest of the strip if she were screaming, “I will not oversalt my Waldorf salads!”

  34. Brent
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    I believe Denis is making an eggcorn, not a malaprop, because the meaning of the sentence doesn’t significantly change with the substitution.

  35. cj
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Archie:
    Sorry, Josh. Even if I knew (I have no frikkin’ clue!), I couldn’t do that to you. Like all enduring contributors, I have a deep emotional bond with this blog and fear the consequences of any sudden actions like a genre-savvy Santa Royaleno would fear the meddling powers of Mary Worth.

    Dennis:
    Pa Mitchell thinks to himself (What? Install new shocks? I could buy a used car for that amount a dough! And the new ones come with side airbags – why would we go and do that? Make the lil bastard MORE safe and comfortable?

  36. Phred22
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Archie: What’s happening is that the ghosts of the ice cream cones, hot dogs and other food Jughead has consumed are rising up out of his head to haunt him. In desperation, Jughead is seeking info for banishing these spirits from the only printed matter available on his late meals, the menu. So Pop doesn’t think he’s crazy, he’s covering with a story of owing Archie money. Hey, the written word has saved many a movie hero from werewolves and vampires–why not phantom junk food?

  37. Cooler King
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if Mark refers to his cell phone by its location, rather than name or number, like he does with his home phone. (aka “The Lost Forest Number”)

    “If someone was trying to collect the reward, they would call the stylish khaki trouser pocket number that was in the paper!”

  38. wossname
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#9):

    Sassy will bark, Rusty will recognize it,

    I’ve been anticipating that too — but to make it even more heartwarming, Sassy will bark because she looked out McMustache’s window as he manhandled her, and saw her beloved Rusty next door. In a love scene worthy of Cecil B, their eyes meet across the crowded yard. “Yip yip yip!” “Sassy!” “Yip! YIP!” “SASSY!!! Mark, look, it is my little dog Sassy looking out that window with that mean man!”

    That way, we can get to the punching by Thursday.

  39. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    FW

    A fat, broken, balding, middle aged guy lusting over a 16 year old blonde. Anyone else feel the need to rent American Beauty?

    MT

    This is the second time Officer Murphy draws his nightstick while in the same frame as Rusty. He has got to be thinking, “Ah do nay care what tales ye tell me Mr. Trail, if that mutant boyo of yars be comin’ anywhere near me, sure and begorrah ah’ll beat him within an inch of his ugly life.”

  40. Pozzo
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    #26 (Binder’s Butter Beans) – Dennis occasionally shows off half his ass, when the trap door of his Dr. Denton’s comes undone. Dennis – I know Jeffy Keane; I’ve worked with Jeffy Keane. You, sir, are no Jeffy Keane.

    (Seriously, does anyone still wear Dr. Denton’s?)

  41. Don Audace
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#39) re: FW: No, but I do feel the need to call Stone Phillips.

  42. bupdaddy
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    “Not now, Jughead! I’m washing my prosthesis!”

  43. Calico
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    Jughead:
    “You shot me in the foot, you Motherfucker!”
    Archie:
    “It happens.”

    : P

  44. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MW

    Nice work Mary. It looks like you set Dr. Mike up with the crazy chick from “All about Steve.”

  45. Calico
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Initially upon viewing DtM, I thought they were either stuck in a tempest, or they had plunged into an icy river.

  46. Carlo
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Metz77 (#1): I feel another thread coming on that explains the origins of Jughead’s hat.

    Does anyone else get confused by the Jughead/Jughaid conundrum? Who preceeded whom in the comics, anyway?

  47. Carlo
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Carlo (#46): And I guess I’m a jughead for not knowing how to spell “preceded”.

  48. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Poop bags, isnt that what Irving calls Cathy’s lingerie?

  49. Mars
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Yes, Jughead is hiding his face, but y’know, that would only work if HIS HAT WASN’T STILL ON HIS HEAD.

  50. Calico
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#30):
    I was just thinking about “Starchie” before I read your post.
    “Rubber band gun with a linoleum square”…hahaha!

  51. Jeff
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    THIS is FUNNY bathroom humor. Take note Marvin.
    http://www.timesunion.com/comics/?feature_id=Oh_Brother

  52. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Cathy: Okay, I’m loathe to admit any similarities between the AAACCCKKKster and me, but when I go on a trip with my dog, treats and poop bags are among the most important things that I pack. (As any dog owner knows, a big part of the human-dog relationship comprises putting food into the dog that later must be picked up.)

    A3G: Thank you, Josh, for ensuring that I’ll now hear Jack Bauer’s voice whenever Mama Katt speaks. “Mama, I have the coordinates for the salon!” “Dammit, Kitty, there’s no time!”

  53. Don Audace
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Black Drazon (#18): Worse than everyone on that list is the Green Hornet’s sidekick Kato, who doesn’t even bother to change his clothes (or his name) when switching roles from Britt Reid’s chauffeur to the Hornet’s wheelman–tho’ he does put on some pretty fly goggles. Do they really think that people are gonna believe that there aren’t just one but TWO noninterred Japanese men named Kato in Whatever City?

  54. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    That Cathy punchlines could be used in other comics such as this, or even this.

  55. Red Greenback
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    The “gag” in Archie would have made more sense if Jughead was holding the menu upside-down. Like this: s,dod

  56. AndyL
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    Clearly the writer of the Archie comic intended for Jughead to be hiding from Archie, Imagine how humorous it could have been if he had communicated this to the artist.

  57. teenchy
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’ll admit don’t read it, and I only look at it when it’s featured here, but I really have never understood the communal Margo love. Sure she’s admired – outright loved by some – for her domineering personality, but come on, she inhabits a world completely populated by milquetoasts. Gunther from Luann could domineer those people.

    Having Margo take a fashion beatdown (not from Imogene Coca but from the real-life Stacey London, who totally brings the Alexandra from Josie and the Pussycats look into the 21st century) would give her a much-needed dash of reality, a recognition that she’s just a big fish in a nebbishy little pond. I can’t imagine that’ll happen, however, since the A3G artists’ fashion sense appears to be frozen sometime during the Nixon administration at the latest.

  58. Steve S
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    I guess Archie is a cousin to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. If Jughead can’t see him, he can’t see Jughead.

  59. Calico
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @teenchy (#57):
    You know what would totally thrill me? Anna Wintour trying to makeover Margo.
    Man, would the fur fly then.

  60. CleverNameIsaac
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    “There’s even a zippered pocket for treats and poop bags!” will likely be LuAnn’s reaction to her new, post-makeover outfit.

  61. Cooler King
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    FW: Apparently the blunt force trauma has caused Funky to forget that he isn’t the Ebeneezer Scrooge can’t-be-seen-or-heard kind of hopefully dead time traveller as he lurks in the shrubbery murmuring about and ogling his hot, young majorette futurewife.

    It’s a good thing that, like cell phones and bottled water, Chris Hansen hasn’t been invented yet. Funky has a tough enough row to hoe without having to inform half of Westview that he is an offender, ifyaknowwhatImean.

  62. bmrr
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    A&J – Well, it looks like Gene is going to awkwardly pop the question to Mary Lou. Of course the question is what question is he going to pop? Marriage? Dropping out of college to run the restaurant? Or just a longer repeat of that night on the boat (where they are) from awhile back?

  63. SirGingerAvenger
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    FW: I can’t wait until Funky stops applying for ” To Catch A Predator” and decides that he didn’t actually travel back in time and that nothing he does has any consequences. Hopefully, “Groundhog Day” like hijinks will ensue. But knowing Tom Batiuk they will probably be grim antics involving swollen prostates and loss of limbs.

  64. Mela
    July 13th, 2010 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    As the owner of four large dogs, poop bags are a necessity if I don’t want (a) a fine or (b) the title of Neighborhood Douchebag for never picking up after my herd (that’s currently held by a woman whose Pomeranian is regularly almost hit by cars because she can’t be bothered to lock her bungee leash so it won’t run into the street). By mentioning their existence, “Cathy” has just shown that it is more in connection with the modern world than 75% of the strips on the page. That’s damn sad.

  65. Don Audace
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#52): Woah. Your comment inadvertantly made me realize how much I wish I lived on Parallel Earth 662-004, where Cathy is Kathy, a strip created and written by a still-living Kathy Acker.

  66. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Cathy: Doggies, since Cathy’s not bringing you along, please leave her a week’s supply of full poop bags to remind her of you. On second thought, to make her feel more at home, leave a big pile of turds in her luggage right on top of the poop bags.

    Mary Worth, panel 1: Las Vegas is offering even odds that Mary’s behind the one-way mirror.

    Marvin: Best week ever. Marvin without Marvin!

    Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if you share your meds with your pet. Just sayin’.

    Baby Blues: It’s possible Baby Daddy has a fancy-schmancy remote.

  67. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#48): I thought that might be the Cathy-equivalent of “As Seen on TV!” Booty Pops, the slightly-disgusting underwear to pad out a woman’s butt.
    Yeah, like that’s a crying need.

  68. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @CleverNameIsaac (#60): Oooh, good one!

    @Sequitur (#54): Wins “Best Recycling of Punch Line in a Comic Strip” Award.

    @Thomas B. (#48): No, “poop bags” is what Irving’s BVD’s become after he sees Cathy in lingerie.

    By the way, does anyone know if a shredded clown fits into one poop bag or two?

  69. GearBoxClock
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    So today Dennis the Menace enters the negative zone. I’d say that’s pretty menacing.

  70. Jason D.
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    #7 Shawn S: Dennis: I believe Ketchum has caught a bad case of Parkinsons and is pulling a Jeffy Keane to try and explain the whole thing. Tomorrow he won’t be so lucky.

    Actually, Ketcham caught a case of dead, nine years ago. Perhaps today’s strip was drawn by Zombie Hank Ketcham, which would explain the shaky artwork. Still, not half bad for a dead guy!

  71. Throatwobbler Mangrove
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro: Does anyone know if I could get the Bunny of Exuberance on a t-shirt? I love that crazy little dude…in fact I’d like a framed picture like the one in today’s comic.

    MT: The shape of Rusty’s face and horrific features seem to morph from day to day, like his head is made of Silly Putty. Today in panel one he looks like an escapee from Area 51. Maybe tomorrow he’ll resemble Zippy the Pinhead with an overbite? Wait, I really don’t want to see that.

    MW: I don’t think Mike is going to call her back…he’s gone back to his home planet to mate with another pod-person instead, as Jenna’s human reproductive system can’t handle laying a clutch of eggs.

  72. The Most Interesting Curmudgeon Alive
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    I don’t usually read Cathy but when I do, I prefer Irving.

  73. Walker of Dog
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @teenchy (#57): For me the contrast IS the entertainment. Margo is an over-the-top, manipulative monster in a world of mannequins. I sometimes think she rages just to feel alive. And that amuses me.

    @CleverNameIsaac (#60): Good one!

  74. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    In a nod to its roots, today’s DTM was reproduced using a mimeograph machine.

  75. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#68): Shredded Clown: I was under the impression that shredded clown should be burned immediately. In that case, one bag would suffice to hold the ashes. However, if immediate flame control is impractical, multiple bags can be used until proper disposal can transpire.

  76. Shawn S.
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Jason D. (#70):

    Well this supports my belief that comic strips should die with their creators. No wonder Dennis the Menace has been a “poop bag” for so many years.

  77. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @The Most Interesting Curmudgeon Alive (#72): And it’s best to drink Dos Equis at the time.

  78. G-Man
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G: If this makeover storyline at the very least leads to some cleavage shots, I’m all for it. But “Kitty and Kat” look more like a mother-and-daughter-plainclothes-wrestling-nun-tag-team, so, probably not.

  79. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    I’m with Cooler King @22. Though I gave myself permission not to read Cathy at all several years ago, I still have the distinct impression (buttressed by what I see here) that though it may not be spelled out, there is still an implicit Poop Bag in the punch line of every strip.

  80. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#75): I’ve got the Ronco Shredder for Clown from late-night TV. For the burning, I hope Mr. T’s oven won’t “pity the clown.”

    “[Y]ou can even bake delicious cinnamon buns in just minutes.” This concerns me. I don’t want to own the same appliance as Anthony Caine.

  81. Sans Sense
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Are you available this weekend? …Let me know!… When I touch my dress it’s like you touching me and I think how lucky you are to touch me. Then I look at my picture on my dresser and I think how lucky you are to be seen with me. I turn to my bed and realize how lucky I am to sleep with myself every night. I look in my mirror and know I have everything I need right here. On second thought I had fun with me last night so don’t bother calling me back, unless of course you need help with your finances.”

  82. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of DTM’s roots. How menacing is THIS? Yikes. Was DTM distributed by United Klan Syndicate at the time?

  83. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Cathy in a poop bag? Note: this is not a mashup, it’s a real strip. A real strip from yesterday.

  84. Écureuil Écumant
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @32 Joe the Plugger said:

    I can’t wait for 9 Chickweed Lane’s first poop-bag joke.

    Well, here’s something for the guy who just can’t wait.

  85. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#83): Notice how Cathy’s dress is form-fitting.

  86. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#85): Are you saying she’s got a shitty figure?

  87. Dennis Jimenez
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Archie – OMG – he has no mouth!!!

    A3G – OK, I got nothin’….

    Mark Trail – LSD Edition – Bubechka: I’ll get you my pretty – and my little dog, too. Mark: ‘Scuse me, while I kiss this guy….

    DtM – Get mom’s vibrator out of your as….

    Cathy – The banality of evil….

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#77): “stay thirsty, my friends.” [*]

  89. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Chaplain Staneglass is praying to the combined gods of the Hindu, Greco-Roman and Norse pantheons that he survives Cookie’s latest culinary disaster!

    Dilbert: “I’ll take the ashtray on wheels and my friend Baka Gaijin will take the clown car!”

    Get Fuzzy: Buzz Aldrin or Buzz Lightyear? (I’ve always seen Rob as more the latter!)

    Funky: “I’d like an order of Back to the Future with a side of Hot Tub Time Machine!”

  90. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#82): I saw that once before. I think it was in a museum display on racist depictions in popular culture. The thing is, the caption is defensible as kind of edgy-cute and even liberal/thought-provoking for the time (1970) — it’s the drawing that was so clueless. (Serious warning — I googled this out of curiosity and what I turned up was horrifying.)

  91. Baka Gaijin
    July 13th, 2010 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#89) on Dilbert: EEEEEEEE! [does a Sassy] QLUNQ!

  92. GarrisonSkunk
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    Blondie artist/writer Hint #569 : When the only identifying difference between your character’s postman and your character’s next door neighbor is the uniform, don’t put the postman in civilian ware.

  93. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Throatwobbler Mangrove (#71): (Re: MT) It sounds like Silly Putty Boy and Cookie Dough Dog were made for one another!

  94. Sans Sense
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: Good plan! They’ll be so distracted looking for a dirty hoe that they’ll forget all about the missing prisoner!

  95. Throatwobbler Mangrove
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#93): Definitely! They just have to avoid sitting outside on a hot day…might result in the ugliest, worst-tasting cookie-puddle ever.

  96. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#86): There’s an equation for that.

    CATHY/DRESS = ACK BAGOSHIT

    It’s merely a theorem and the results are approximate. However, it’s close enough for comics use.

  97. Ed Dravecky
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    The AJGLU3000 has been reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and, noting his “never-ending hunger” and “mind boggling stupidity”, has mistaken Jughead for the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

  98. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#82): It looks like fun for the whole family when the minstrel show comes to town.

  99. BigTed
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    Jughead agreed to pay Archie Tuesday for a hamburger today — because someone accidentally programmed a “Popeye” cartoon into the AJGLU3000.

  100. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#91): That’s okay. I’ll take the clown car. I could use the extra room. It’s like a TARDIS in there.

    Just clear out the clowns first. Bring your shredder.

  101. BigTed
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    In a final act of desperation, Henry Mitchell removed the car’s shock absorbers himself, hoping that the intense shaking will render him incapable of fathering any more children.

  102. Sans Sense
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#100): You know the worst part about being a clown?

  103. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#11): Too bad the REAL Luann isn’t as funny as your mashup! The only person in mainstream comics who does work comparable to yours is JOHN LUSTIG (Last Kiss). Wikipedia has a short bio on this talented writer (he also worked on Donald Duck!) if you or any other mudges are interested.

  104. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#11): bats :[, this is why we love you so.

  105. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @BigTed (#101): Bonus: And just by driving around, he can satisfy Alice’s sexual needs at the same time!

  106. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#102): They don’t pee in their cars, do they?

  107. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#105): Maybe he could get a side job as chauffeur for June Morgan and Abbey Spencer. Better leave the kid at home though; he’d bore them to death.

  108. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#103): Uh oh. Donald Duck does not wear pants. This could stir up the old pant/no pants controversy again.

  109. mr 12 oz can
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    mary worth- your kidding me there gonna show a second date
    mark trail- mark is the first person real or unreal ive seen with the jitterbug cellphone
    gil thorp= gil thinks a golf courses 18 holes beats mimis 2 maybe 3
    fw- i never read this stuff but i notice a lot of people comment on it

  110. Sans Sense
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#106): God knows, but whey should they be any different than the rest of us?

  111. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    And speaking of sexual needs, has anyone ever given a thought to Chief Liz? I mean, back when she was just Liz the Policewoman she used to go around in a miniskirt, high heels and a shirt and tie. I’ll bet Fashion Police dug her act.

  112. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2010 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    A3G: That makeover show better be careful! If Margo gets pushed far enough, she’ll have to be played by Tura Satana!

    Faster, Mama Cat, Run! Run!
    (and that goes for your little Kitty, too!)

  113. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    May I pause for a moment and boast of my community, McKinney, Texas, which made #5 on the top cities to live list according to Money magazine.

    That is all. Please continue your wonderful snark.

  114. Joe Blevins
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    MT: Increasingly, Spider-Man has relied on crossover stories with such “big deal” guest stars as Wolverine and Iron Man to impress us. But I for one am much more impressed by Mark Trail snagging Maude Frickert for this entire storyline. That’s old school Hollywood glamour!

    A3G: Speaking of guest stars, do we have any real evidence that Kat is not, in fact, The Emperor? She sure talks like The Emperor. “Excellent, Margo. Strike me down with all your hatred, and your makeover will be complete.”

  115. Charterstoned
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    MT – Raise your hand if you think Mark is going to suggest to Cherry that they adopt all of the dogs before they are “taken away soon if no one comes to claim them.” After all, that’s how they got Rusty.

  116. Ed Dravecky
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#113): There is no truth to the rumor that the #16 ranking for Allen, Texas, was hurt by the residence of Scott Hilburn in neighboring Frisco.

  117. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    A nice piece of news to share. At work, they had a contest for writing a travel guide to a city with casinos and another for the best or worst party you ever attended. The winners got $100 gift cards and four runners-up received $25 each. My story about a dinner at my grandparents’ house came in as a runner-up and I thank this site for honing my writing skills.

    Beads from the float!

  118. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#113): It sounds wonderful!

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117): Congratulations!

    Uh, there weren’t any turkey legs at that dinner, were there?

  119. Smokehouse
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    That’s a nice psychedelic, picture-changing poster Pop’s got by the door. Or maybe Jughead is going through severe enough burger-withdrawal due to his financial woes that he’s beginning to hallucinate.

  120. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#116): But remember, Burton Gilliam lives in Allen.

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117): Ah, now you’ve gone and turned pro on us. Congrats!

  121. Thomas B.
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @mr 12 oz can (#109): Jitterbug phone. Classic.

  122. dude abides
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    re: Archie: Is it a cartoon law that all food service industry employees working behind a counter must be cleaning a glass when talking to patrons? Don’t they have dishwashers for that, or am I thinking too 21st, er 22nd century?

  123. ElkMeadow
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#12):

    Loved it!

  124. troy macgregor
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @mr 12 oz can (#109): Aww, a Jitterbug!? I was expecting Mark Trail to whip put something that looks more like this, but he’d have to steal it from Zack Morris first.

  125. ElkMeadow
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#11):

    Oops, sorry Sequitor, I meant bats:[

  126. Calico
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117):
    Congratulations!
    Will you post your essay here? I’ll bet it’s a real corker. I’d love to read it. : D

  127. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#113): Depressingly enough, my home town is #6 on the list. Seems like it’s always somewhere on any of those lists. Damn it, it’s thanks to lists like this that so many jerkholes want to live there, and it’s just about impossible to find a job there or afford housing. We left in 1980, and I thought it would be for about a year, maybe two. I didn’t recognize the sound of the place clanging shut behind me.

  128. littlestevie
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @mr 12 oz can (#109): But Mimi bikini waxed her putting green.

  129. littlestevie
    July 13th, 2010 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    MT: Since we all know that these strips are just 70′s era strips rehashed, with some very minor updating. How did Cherry get ahold of Mark back then? Walkie-talkie? Western-Union? Semaphore?

  130. zerowolf
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “In the end I will break you down. All of you.” Is Kat really McEldowney in drag?

  131. zerowolf
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    FW: Run Holly, Run!

  132. zerowolf
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    GT: Haha, and speaking of lucky, guess what you ain’t getting?

  133. Foobar
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    That’s some good drawing in DtM, though.

  134. zerowolf
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: She’s leaving a message: clingy, desperate, stalker.

  135. zerowolf
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Little do they know that this will lead to Margo having her own reality tv show called, “Faster Kitty Kat, Kill Kill”

  136. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#84): ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#88): why would you ever want to be Hi’s neighbor?! :D

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117): write on!

  137. Stu
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    Let’s put A3G in its proper light, shall we? A makeover for the three girls suggested…by RUBY, who puts rags and bits of string into her hair…facilitated by GINA, who looks like Katie Couric in a man’s toupee…and approved by ARI, an unethical shrink who shtupps his patients….and carried out by a woman whose face has fallen and her sycophantic daughter, fresh off a summer internship on the railroad.

  138. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    Happy and carefree with the mindless excitement of youth, the Majorette glanced over to see the slack, seedy figure slouched in the shade. Her world rattled. For the first time the future loomed in front of her, huge and black. There was no premonition of detail, just flat, soul-sucking despair. Even as she continued to smile and laugh gaily she knew. There was no point anymore. Sooner or later she would be dragged down, fat and tired and unhappy, chained to the daily rut of depression, no way out.

    Later, over cokes and pizza at Montonis, she told her friend the Cheerleader what she had seen. The Cheerleader looked back in shock. “I saw him too!” she whispered. “I saw myself in ten years married to that man! Can you imagine?” And they both laughed. But each saw the corner of fear slip into the other’s eyes.

    After that day, friends and even teachers began to notice a change in the Majorette and the Cheerleader. They were quieter, more subdued. They no longer flirted quite so outrageously with Bull, the football star. They rarely stayed out late with boys or got into the kind of trouble that pretty girls with a sense of entitlement so often do. There was nothing you could put a finger on, but they seemed to have lost a bit of the bounce.

    Thirty years later, Holly got the call that her husband had been in a car accident. He would be okay, but he was in the hospital. She left the pizza parlor in the hands of the day manager, and went, hurrying a little. Things had been so difficult lately, and now this. Even the heat of an Ohio summer bore down like a weight. If he had been badly hurt this just might finish them.

    She stole quietly into the room. He was breathing softly, still asleep from the drugs. Suddenly she saw him again, lounging against the tree, the spectre of the past that was the future. She felt the cold in the pit of her stomach.

  139. Miss Othmar
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    BB: Speaking of poop bags….

    A3G: I’m hoping that one of the things that Mama Kat will recommend in the makeover is lipstick — those fleshtone lips really creep me out.

    PBS: Does laughing at this strip make me a bad person?

  140. Stu
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#82): God, that’s horrifying.

  141. Miss Othmar
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Preview is your friend (cut-and-paste, then edit). I meant this PBS strip.

  142. Pop Goes the Weasel
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#49):
    The menu “screen” would also make more sense if Archie was standing in front of Jughead instead of behind him

  143. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#138): It’s called Writing!

    Nicely done :-)

  144. Eli
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Are we absolutely sure that that’s really Archie, and that his evil doppelganger from The Punisher Meets Archie hasn’t returned to resume his reign of mistaken identity terror?

  145. Kibo
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    I hope “Archie” abruptly turns into a continuity strip so that we can see Archie slamming that menu shut on Jughead’s nose. “Jughead, you’s gonna pay me what’s ya owe me, all five cents, see?”

  146. These Strange Worlds
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    MT

    Mark’s cell phone got me to wondering if that meant somebody had to actually DRAW that panel instead of recycling it. This is the first time I’ve seen him use a cell (in decades of paying attention) so my first thought was, “yes.”

    Then I looked more closely. That’s not a cell. I bet that’s a seventies or eighties era corded handset — one of those funky square blocked off things like this Styleline:

    http://cgi.ebay.com/Vintage-AE-Styleline-Desk-Phone-Slightly-Used-Red-/160455638374?cmd=ViewItem&pt=Vintage_Electronics_R2&hash=item255be6bd66

    recycling only involved snipping out the cord — a trivial feat for artists skilled in the art of snipping out pipes and ash trays.

    New drinking game: Every time Mark is in a dangerous situatiuon where he could get help merely by making a cell call, we drink a shot of vodka.

    Every time where somebody could detail the plot if they could simply call him and update him on something, two shots.

    Seriously though, has anyone else noticed the serious lack of woodsman gear carried by Mark? I take more stuff with me when I go to mow the vacant lot next door. I can understand why he doesn’t carry a pistol — I guess. But no axe? Not even a pocket knife or a flashlight as near as I can tell. And when did you ever see him with a rain poncho?

  147. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#138): I don’t even follow FW, and that gave me the heebie-jeebies. Nicely done.

    @These Strange Worlds (#146): So, you’re suggesting we all get drunk and stay drunk, then? Josh had better unlock the liquor cabinet!

  148. Sequitur
    July 13th, 2010 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    I took a poop bag out to see a movie;
    Didn’t have to pay to get it in.

    Everybody join in!

  149. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#126): Alas, I will not post it here because you never know if a coworker happens to read this site. The last time someone from work read something of mine, I got a trip to HR (and it ended up on my performance review). So, I keep them blissfully unaware of my life in the cape.

  150. pyano
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if there’s anyone who hasn’t been following the recent FW storyline who picked up the paper and saw it. I mean, it’s creepy already, but it’s 1000x creepier out of context.

  151. Mel Gibson
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#149): Wish I had thought of that…

  152. demoncat
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    heaven help Kat and her make over asstant for they will soon face the Wrath of Margo and it will not be pretty. Mark has finaly figured out how today’s tech works and is trying to make it seem he likes talking to his wife. Denis is pointing out how old the Michels car is that like the strip its a relic of older times. as for Jughead he is trying to work on Pops sympathies for a free meal and maybe have Pop float him another loan to pay off Archie.

  153. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#148): Poop-bags, poop-bags
    Roly-poly poop-bags,
    Poop-bags, poop-bags
    Fill ‘em up. Yuck.

  154. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    Dammit, Dingo gets a cape?!?

  155. Carrie at the prom
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    @pyano (#150):

    I think Batuik was trying to go for touching, but he missed the mark by quite a bit. I’d still like to know what the point of this storyline is. Why’s he ripping off Life on Mars, anyway? I remember reading from TvTropes that the school computer is sentient, yes? Maybe Batuik’s going to rip off the ending to the American Life on Mars. Both time skips are the result of a VR program, and Funky’s went haywire.

  156. Ned Ryerson
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    Lord and Lady Poopbag!

  157. Mel Gibson
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Carrie at the prom (#155): If Funky goes for touching he’s getting the slammer, 30-year younger him or not!

  158. Sans Sense
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Mel Gibson (#157): I’ve been wanting to say this for years, “Shut the hell up Mel.”

  159. wossname
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#129): Cherry would call in to a central number, where an operator would activate Mark’s pager, which would go beep beep beep. Then Mark would find a pay phone, deposit a dime, and call the central number, where he would be told to call Cherry. He would put in another dime and call the Lofo operator, who would put him through to his home phone.

    Good thing there was a phone booth beside Sally’s dog pen. Unfortunately, by the time all this transpired, McMustache had given up on getting any money for Sassy and sold her to the nearest Klatchian restaurant.

  160. wossname
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#148): Don’t step on my blue suede poopbag.

  161. gnome de blog
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    @DairyStateDad (#143), @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#147):
    Thank you!

  162. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 13th, 2010 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#154): and spandex tights! [*]

  163. The Poster with No Name
    July 13th, 2010 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    It’s not great snark, but it’s the best I could do:

    Broom-Hilda: So this is the most nauseating thing that I’ve seen on the comics page that doesn’t have the “Brooke McEldowney” signature on it. Seriously, Hairy One-Eyed Cook Dude — It’s called a “shirt.” Look into it.

    Dick Tracy: Waitaminnit — Is the so-called “Blank” saying that both he and Anja Nu tried to kill Dick because Dick is a dumb cop? Huh. To my mind, that’s not a particularly compelling motivation; but as long as Dick meets his “horrifyingly mangled corpse quota,” any old motive’ll do, right?

    Cathy: Well, I personally am hoping that “There’s even a zippered pocket for treats and poop bags” becomes a new catchphrase for Cathy. It could come up whenever Cathy shops for bathing suits or whenever Irving shops for electronics or whenever Cathy’s dad finally goes to the hospital to get that colostomy.

    And speaking of poop bags, I came up with the following song parody this afternoon at work instead of, you know, actually working. It seems that as I do more of these song parodies, the quality is steadily becoming much, much worse. Oh well. Apologies to the Beatles, to fans of the song “Taxman” by the Beatles, and to everybody everywhere:

    (One, two, three, four — Ack! Ack!)

    Here’s all the packing you should do:
    Bring treats and bags for doggie poo.
    Bring treats and poop bags –
    Yeah, treats and poop bags.

    Don’t worry about packing clothes
    Or why you haven’t got a nose.
    Bring treats and poop bags –
    Yeah, treats and poop bags.

    (If you drive a car, car) — Poop’s on the street;
    (If you try to sit, sit) — Poop’s on your seat;
    (If you get too cold, cold) — Burn poop for heat;
    (If you take a walk, walk) — Poop’s on your feet…

    Poop bags!

    [guitar solo]

    Bring treats and poop bags –
    Yeah, treats and poop bags.

    When making exclamations, why (Don’t shop for more swimsuits)
    Do you point stiffly at the sky? (Don’t shop for more shoes)
    Bring treats and poop bags –
    Yeah, treats and poop bags.

    Now my advice if these you lack, (POOP BAGS!)
    Just clean it up while screaming, “Ack!” (POOP BAGS!)
    Bring treats and poop bags –
    Yeah, treats and poop bags.

    Just remember, they’re for pets only –

    Poop bags!

  164. Poteet
    July 13th, 2010 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Belated huzzahs to the Artist formerly known as Ben and to the other merry snarkers! Tossed flowers, etc.!

  165. Austria
    July 13th, 2010 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#82): …Whoa. That’s…whoa. I remember reading that Charles Schulz got some complaints upon debuting Franklin, but this…You know, we say the comics are stuck in the 1950s, and they are, don’t get me wrong — but this would never fly today. Interesting that it could back then.
    @Kibo (#145): I am so drawing this. Expect drawings.

    Arch: Archie looks pretty happy at the fact that the ice cream cone sticking out of Jughead’s hat mysteriously transformed into a hot dog. He must have been craving something salty instead of sweet. An–………..Wow, uh………You know what, I’m just gonna quit while I’m ahead.

    FW: UNSPEAKABLE HORROR why isn’t she ditzy-looking? i have some old collections and she was totally ditzy in those.

  166. Tophat
    July 13th, 2010 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    No, no, what’s really going on in Archie is that Jughead is panicking because a fully formed hotdog, complete with condiments, has started to sprout from his brain. Archie is overjoyed by this, obviously. If Jughead can’t pay up, Archie can just eat him.

  167. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!
    I FOUND A POOP BAG IN MY NUT STACH!

    AND IT WAS FULL OF EXCREMENT!

    the nuts not the poop bag

  168. Harry F
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    Archie and Jughead just stumbled in the alternate universe created by Bill Elder for Mad. Starchie and Bottleneck were high school thugs. The AJGLU just got hold of a bad back up tape.

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_SFDPcITcycc/SiLyRbPh72I/AAAAAAAAG5w/slD6kDsCLoI/s1600-h/starchie1.jpg

  169. Mr. Satanism
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    Dennis is obviously covering here. He tried to cut the brake lines and failed.

  170. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#149): I always thought “Dingo” was a pseudonym… you mean it’s not? You could always post here under an assumed name — like “Rocky Stoneaxe” or “Ed Dravecky”! (Just kidding, Ed!)

  171. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#165): this would never fly today. Interesting that it could back then.
    Actually, it didn’t fly back then. The syndicate, or one or more papers in which the cartoon appeared, apologized within days.

    I Googled the cartoon (using Dennis the Menace and a partial string from the caption in quotation marks). There were only two links — one to a newspaper blog item, and the other to a white supremacist web page. (Even the newspaper blog item had a lot of very defensive comments on it that were entirely clueless about the imagery.)

  172. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    @DairyStateDad (#171): “Back then” was in 1970, BTW.

  173. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#170): Heck, Dingo could post it under “DairyStateDad” — I’d be glad to take credit for award-winning writing!

  174. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL! (#167): That was the dog from Mutts. He’s PO’ed because your cousin keeps bouncing acorns off his head!

  175. Comcis Fan
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is that a nightie breast that Jenna is fondling as she stalks asks Mike for a date?

    FW: Unconsciousness becomes Funky. He’s lost about 50 pounds just looking t his once-future wife in high school. Otherwise, this particular strip is actually sad. I don’t read the comics for sad.

  176. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#174):
    HMMMMM. I THINK THERE MAY BE A MUTT BUTT THAT WILL BE STRUCK WITH A PUCK! NO MORE MUTT LUCK!

    did you know that nuts spelled backwards is stun

  177. Ed Dravecky
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#120): Burton Gilliam is one reason we’re up to #16.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#170): Ha! I guess I could have switched to a clever nickname a while back (but not “Clever Nickname” which is still ™ Wil Wheaton) but I don’t plan to ever work for any of these cartoonists. Well, except maybe if Jeff Knurek is hiring…

  178. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#165): Well, the Dennis panel with inky-face Jackson didn’t so much fly (as DairyStateDad notes) as plummet downward and hang itself around Ketcham’s neck. He was really surprised by the reaction (he writes of it in The Merchant of Dennis the Menace), and I think that was when he decided to sample the fresh air and wine of Switzerland for a while.

  179. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    And in Picklest oday, a shout-out to the bluegrass stylings of Jerry Garcia, David Grisman, et al.

  180. DairyStateDad
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    grrr! and I even did preview for that!

    Well you know what it’s supposed to say

  181. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    The cape is a metaphor for all of us on here. In my true life, I’m the guy on the Toro lawnmower in the Sears catalog ad (never on the underwear page as we all yearn to be sporting checkered boxers and a smile that says, “My cock is so huge, you’ll fart Lady of Spain for two days.”). In the realm of The Munsters, at work I’d be cast as Marilyn. But here? Here I can saunter into the room with the banshees crying as I pass, whisking my cape over my shoulder and cocking my hat to one side as the gay boulevardier with a pithy bon mot ready to escape my lips and land upon the huddled masses yearning to read free. Just as all of you. Release your inner krakon! Let the monster of literacy roam free, titillating June Morgan’s ta-tas and Margo well-coifed mane!

    Okay, I’ll stop now.

  182. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    FOUND ANOTHER POOP BAG!

    IT WAS IN DAGWOOD’S BRIEFCASE!
    I GUESS HE USES IT TO CLEAN UP AFTER MR. DITHERS.

    mr. dithers spews crap all over the office

  183. bats :[
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#181): ah. It is much clearer now.
    And now I am more conflicted. I, fer real and true, have a t-shirt with a guy sitting on a riding mower.

  184. cheech wizard
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    MW – Whaddaya bet Mike has to turn Jenna down for this weekend? Because while he told Mary he was one of those people who was never meant to find “love,” that doesn’t mean he never found “marriage.”

  185. Poewar
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Jughead plans to use the menu to be just a little more discreet as he pays Archie back. Note that Archie is smiling and pointing at his crotch.

  186. seismic-2
    July 13th, 2010 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    GA: It’s a sad commentary on a strip when it feels it need to make itself a little more upscale and clever by adding even more vomiting hillbillies.

    FW: Well, Funky has been telling his younger self all about his swollen prostate, so now he’ll tell his future wife, too.

    MW: Note to Dr. Mike – dude, you really, really need to ask Officer Potus to conduct a survey of Santa Royale zoning violations from the roof of Charterstone.

    BB: “Bless this food we are about to eat. Bless our mouths that will chew it. Bless our stomachs that will digest it. Bless our anuses and all that will soon enter them. Bless our penises. But I repeat myself…”

  187. Dan
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    Shouldn’t Pop treat someone who has eaten every day at his diner for seventy years or so a little better than he is doing in that second panel?

  188. This Guy
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#138): That could very easily be the beginning of a Stephen King story.

  189. Sly Robbie
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I am reminded that this very same sentiment was put forward in the cinematic classic “Rocky IV” by Ivan Drago — “I must break you.” ((http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygQvB6OjHOU)) We all know what happened after that. Stallone kicked Dolph Lundgren’s behind, snatched Bridgette Nielsen, and then left the sloppy seconds for Flava Flav. In Apartment 3G NOBODY breaks Margo Magee — In A3G Margo breaks YOU!

  190. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @DairyStateDad (#179): I learned something interesting about Pickles cartoonist Brian Crane from reading his Wikipedia entry — he’s a practicing Mormon. According to his brief bio, Crane uses “LDS temples or periodicals as background props in the Pickles comic strip.” There are scads of Jewish, Catholic and Protestant cartoonists (as well as a few atheists) currently working in comics, but Crane is the only Mormon that I’m aware of.

  191. Bill the Butcher
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    You all know how Luann’s loaded with preposterous sexual innuendo that never goes anywhere?

    I swear I dreamt this last night:

    Brad and Toni, who are of course (oh, horrors!) not married, have decided to make a baby. Also, they’ve (being utterly new to fucking) decided to screw in public, in a bathtub set in the middle of the DeGroot living room, so that more experienced people can offer them tips and feedback. As they get to it, in glorious pen and ink drawings, most of the other characters in the strip wander in, either to cheer them on, or to offer advice. The final spectator is a guest, in fact: Jeff Redfern, the clueless CIA trainee from Doonesbury, so I guess he’s there to screw up the screwing. Maybe Nancy DeGroot hired him.

    (As an aside, while I’m on the subject of Doonesbury: isn’t Melissa one of the best new characters in comic strip fiction? Huh? Isn’t she?)

    And lest I forget, Toni was on top. Which is pretty much where she is where the relationship with Brad is concerned.

    And, my, did she look bored while Brad was pumping away.

  192. Buck Ripsnort
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    WHAT IF — you had never seen a Funky Winkerbean strip before today?
    Well yes, you’d be the envy of everyone in your neighborhood, but beyond that, you’d come to this strip w/ new eyes, eyes that have never seen cancer or death in the comics. You’d see a 70 yr-old potato-man ogling and fantasizing about a high school girl. And then you’d never read that strip again, moving on to something healthier, like 2 Girls 1 Cup.

  193. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#183): If he looks like me, I’ll be your HAT MAN.

  194. Here come ole Flattop
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    OK, so I gave in and went to the Comics Kingdom Viewer and previewed FW. Think lead balloon. By Saturday, all will be revealed. And, boy won’t you be sorry. I know I am. I’m going to take a long walk off a short pier now. . .

    Hey, here’s Jewel doing karaoke courtesy of “Fark”. Much better than the wasted minutes tracking the Funkmeister.
    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4a87d48fdd/undercover-karaoke-with-jewel

  195. emilygirl
    July 13th, 2010 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Re: Apartment 3G Once, just once, I caught an episode of the original British What Not to Wear and decided to watch, thinking it would be fun. The unfortunate fashion victim was a 40-ish Indian woman. While standing in the 360 mirror room, the two hosts began pulling up her shirt “to get a glimpse of the lines we have to work with.” The woman grabbed the end of her shirt and tugged down to stop them. She obviously did not want to pull up her shirt on national TV. The hosts yanked the fabric out of her clutching hands and displayed her body by force.

    The second the image of her white bra flashed in the mirrors, the woman began to cry and tried to leave the room, presumably so that she could weep in private. Each of the hosts put an arm around her, ostensibly in comfort, but in actuality to keep her in front of the cameras as they (again, forcibly) steered her back in front of the mirror.

    One of the hosts began to tell her that she had a good body, especially for a woman her age, and questioned why she dressed to hide it. “Is it because you hate yourself?” the host asked the woman, who was still crying, “Look at the mirror (read: camera), and tell me that you hate yourself.”

    LOOK AT THE CAMERA AND TELL ME THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF. She actually said that. I AM WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR FASHION ADVICE, NOT TO SEE YOU USE PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE ON SOMEONE’S MOM!

    The fact that both hosts of You Dressed in the Dark are female leads me to believe that the fictional show is based on the British real life alternative. Since nothing good ever happens to Tommie, I fully expect the above line to be repeated verbatim at some point in this storyline.

  196. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#191): Gee, could we trade dreams? Yours are far more entertaining than mine.

  197. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190):
    I USED TO BE MORMON!
    THEN I FOUND OUT YOU CAN’T HAVE MULTIPLE WIVES ANYMORE!!!!

    boy was i steamed
    it was all i could do to keep my nuts under control

  198. Bill the Butcher
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @DairyStateDad (#196): Sure. My dreams frequently feature zombies.

  199. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    @Here come ole Flattop (#194): So does FW at least realize in near-death what a jerk he is and decide to mend his ways? (See the class Master Softheart post from April and reprinted in the comments here a day or two ago.)

  200. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#198): Well, crap, not THOSE ones!

  201. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#192): Definite COTW material!

  202. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    So we can all sleep more peacefully tonight: on July 14, 1960, Jane Goodall began what became her historical chimpanzee research in Gombe National Park.

    Mutts: and at least Shtinky Puddin’ makes this 50-year anniversary special by dedicating a week to Ms. Goodall.

    FC: OTOH, it’s an “oh my gosh” moment as something actually timely comes from the pen! (Sorry, I’ll be the first to admit this is in bad taste, but considering the merchandise…)

  203. Poncho the baseball guy
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    The National League wins 3-1.

    Now I know how all the girls in 9CL feels. Screwed.

  204. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    @Poncho the baseball guy (#203): no earthquakes during the game? Considering how shaky that part of the U.S. has been recently…

  205. Bill the Butcher
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    @emilygirl (#195): As an Indian myself, I can assure you that the woman felt personally violated by the idea of having to show herself to strangers.

  206. Andy L
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Wait, Pig’s new bride was called “Sweet Fanny”? Really?

  207. This Guy
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Andy L (#206): Ayuh. Maybe it was comic foreshadowing, since Sweet Fanny Adams was about all she amounted to in the end. Of course, props to Pastis for knowing how not to make a thinly-premised storyline drag on and on and on and FUCK YOU AND DIE, BROOKE MCELDOWNEY sorry, I’m better now.

  208. Kilby
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#55): Or like this: ,,umop apsidn,,

  209. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    7/14
    Rex: “‘Cos if I have cancer that means only one thing — I have to get transferred over to Winkerbean next week! And that, Doc, is a fate far worse than cancer!”

    MW: At last, the payoff! Jenna is the girl who throws herself after the guy who runs away. Now Mary will finally have something to really meddle with! She’ll read The Rules to Jenna and kick the Doctor’s ass for being a Peter Pan!

    A3G: God, this story is so weird!

  210. Poncho the baseball guy
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#204): The only earthquake was the roar my heart breaking from the defeat of my beloved American League.

  211. Black Drazon
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    Hey, Funky, you’re back! Where’ve you been, buddy? I tell you, strangest thing, I came to see you the other day and there was just this old guy sitting around smiling! Never seen him before in my life! Anyway, how’re you? Still depressed? Good, good.

  212. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    A summary of selected 7/14 strips, where one of these things is not like the other ones:

    Phantom – unjust imprisonment
    Funky Winkerbean – death (duh)
    Rex Morgan – cancer
    Mary Worth – depression
    Mark Trail – extortion
    Apartment 3G – public humiliation
    Spider-Man – Peter squirts webbing in Iron Man’s face

  213. Sheila Sternwell
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#192): You’d see a 70 yr-old potato-man ogling and fantasizing about a high school girl.

    That’s been bothering me a bit. They graduated in 1988 according to Wikipedia, so they should only be about 40-41 years old right now. But Batiuk has made them officially 46, then drew them older to increase the Despair Factor, and these characters are suddenly the age of their own parents. It’s just laziness. If Batiuk can manage to complain about critics of FW via Les’ attempted production of “Wit”, surely he can manage to remember what damn year it’s supposed to be in his own strip.

    @Carrie at the prom (#155): Speaking of Wikipedia, it mentions the computer in FW was “the strangest school staff member in the strip’s early years” and it “developed a mind of its own.” But I am not holding my breath that Batiuk is going to remember that and use it for a Life On Mars-esque plot.

  214. Sheila Sternwell
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @Sheila Sternwell (#213): Maybe I should be concerned that I was bothered by the age discrepancy in a comic strip and not the pedophilia. But this IS Funky Winkerbean we’re talking about.

  215. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    7/14
    9CL: McEldowney gives a shout out to Curtis’s barber… (called it!)

  216. Nekrotzar
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    Today’s (Wednesday’s) FW moves into new territory: complete and total incoherence. Elvis? Sharks playing baseball, even metaphorically? It reads like it went through babelfish into German, Hungarian, and Telugu and then back into “english” again.

  217. Farley's Revenge
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh-ho! Now we’re getting to the nitty-gritty. Jenna, her little needy heart broken, has turned to the bottle of grape juice to drown her sorrows. Soon she’ll be tuning up her guitar and following BB King around, badgering him to let her sing the blues with him. The end of the storyline will occur when BB belts her over the head with his beloved Lucille.

    At least, that’s the way I would end the storyline. In reality, it’s about time for Mary to put the pedal to her meddle and whip everyone into shape, whether they want it or not.

    MT: In the last panel, it looks like Mark is holding an actual phone receiver but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the punching and it needs to start ASAP!

    FW: Is this supposed to be a funny strip? If so, I have bad news for the cartoonist.

    9CL: Apparently my father took that photo.

  218. CanuckDownSouth
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    The part that makes the least sense in A3G is how the hosts act like this is a done deal: they *will* break you, lessons start tomorrow, roll the tape…

    Maybe Tommie signed some release at the audition saying she *will* do the show if called back, but neither LuAnn nor Margo have had anything to do with this. They can’t be compelled to spend one minute doing anything for this show and can sue the pants off of the producers if they fail to secure a release and air a second with their likenesses.

  219. Citric
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Text speak? I’d dump her.

  220. Dan
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    At least two strips today (Family Circus & Snuffy Smith) think Jane Goodall anniversary worth mentioning?

  221. mollificent
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#52): You are so awesome. I’m laughing my ass off here.

  222. mollificent
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117): Yay Dingo!

  223. Farley's Revenge
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    @Dan (#220): “Mutts” has also been commemorating Jane Goodall.

  224. Farley's Revenge
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#117): Yay, Dingo!

  225. Bill the Butcher
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    @Mela (#64): Which breed? I’m dad to a German Shepherd, a Dobermann, and two Neapolitan Mastiffs.

  226. ElkMeadow
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#138):

    Man, that was awesome!

  227. Roman Fingers
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    Looking at Wednesday’s Crankshaft: Why is he sitting at the airport next to sportscaster Jim McKay?

  228. ElkMeadow
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:08 am [Reply]

    @Here come ole Flattop (#194):

    Thanks for the Jewel bit! It was fun to watch.

  229. ElkMeadow
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#205):

    I’m not an Indian, and I would feel the same way. What they did was beyond horrible; no one deserves to be treated like that.

  230. ElkMeadow
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    @Citric (#219):

    I think she’s doing text speak is because she’s drunk. I forgot to see if she hit the “send” button.

  231. Ed Dravecky
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    7/14: Just when I think Ziggy can’t get any more horrifying or surreal, Tom Wilson reaches down for a fish fart “joke” that will haunt my dreams sleepless nights for weeks to come.

  232. Ed Dravecky
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:29 am [Reply]

    The new Hi & Lois has been out for over two hours and nobody has built a Facebook page for poor Trixie Flagston yet? For shame!

  233. Lucky
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:42 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#202): Re: FC: It becomes a lot less “oh my gosh” once you realize that today’s strip is obviously a reprint.

    Baby Blues – It’s probably too late to point out that I’ve never seen a remote that could tell me anything.

    Funky Winkerbean – Killer-shark issues? Is this Batiuk’s way of admitting that Funky has jumped the shark?

    Popeye – Way to make Beetle Bailey look subtle!

    Speed Bump – My first interpretation of this was that the guy wrote “Really good at Bejeweled” in his resume. In some jobs, that would probably be considered a good thing.

    Ziggy – Ewwwww.

    Zits – Ha ha. Women, amirite?

  234. Curugon
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:53 am [Reply]

    Texting? Narcissistic moping? Blood red beverage? Shoulder pads? Mark your calendar: Mary Worth is officially catering to the Twilight crowd.

  235. Sheila Sternwell
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:54 am [Reply]

    A3G: Oh ho ho, Margo’s dad, you are so dead. This week has been amazing. At the end of the each strip I’m so surprised I yell several catchphrases at once, usually GUUURRRL, OH NO YOU DIN’T, and MARGO IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOUR ASS. That last one isn’t a catchphrase yet, but it will be. Oh yes.

    Judge Parker: “I really like it here, Ned. By the way, your dad and I are going on a date tonight.”

    MW and RMMD: A couple of characters escaped Funky Winkerbean. It’s too bad they’ll have to be rounded up and herded back to the Funkiverse, but when the tell-tale signs of Funkiversitude are despondent lonely drinking and cancer, it’s impossible to hide for long.

  236. Noah R.
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:35 am [Reply]

    I’m a little confused regarding “I Dressed In The Dark”. These make-over shows are usually based on consent between the designers and and the guests; Kat, however, seems intent on total dominance over this entire process. She underestimates Ms. Margo Magee, and this can only end in televised bloodsport.

  237. John C Fremont
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:09 am [Reply]

    MW – Huh. Must have been made from red potatoes. And judging from the label, they must have used a whole bunch of tiny new potatoes. Yep, in that second panel you can tell that Jenna can really taste the potato.

    Hey, maybe if Jenna had “tasted the potato” on her date with Mike he’d have called her by now.

    DT – I thought The Blank was taking off his mask yesterday. I was betting money he’d turn out to be that Tae Bo guy.

  238. vanya
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: If this sub story line is going to be all about why Edna has no pictures of Kiesl I will go shoot Brooke myself. The man sang lead at the Met! He’s no international man of mystery. I’m sure Paris Match ran a spread of him and his 25 year old boyfriend at the beach sometime in the late 1970s.

  239. gleeb
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:42 am [Reply]

    Barney & Clyde: So, I’ve been enjoying the one-note, cardboard characters, but I’ve been wanting for socially-acceptable homophobia…ah, there it is.

    ‘shaft: Incognito Tom Wolfe is saddened by meeting the stupidest person at the airport. Still, it’s his own fault for opening the conversation with a bland remark about the weather.

    ‘bean: Who the hell is he supposed to be talking to?

    Zig: You know, f the lettering wasn’t so, uh idiosyncratic, I might have been mildly amused by the fart joke.

  240. Joolz
    July 14th, 2010 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Jenna’s already on her second bottle of grenadine. Suggested rewrite of her not-very-space-saving text: “THX 4 NOTHING AHOLE. C U IN ER AFTER I OD.”

  241. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    bats:[ as a young girl?

    Also for bats:[, courtesy of a mention in Smithsonian magazine.

    Insulin-requiring puppeh.

    comics funneh seems to have escaped me today. *cries.*

  242. wossname
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    A3G – At this point, Margo is desperately trying to remember where Martin hid Bobbie’s gun, so the massacre can begin.

    FBOFW – Damn, there’s never a grizzly bear or a wildcat around when you need one.

    MW – Yay!!!! Conflict! Jenna hits the sauce! Is she headed for swan-smashing? Cliff-plummetting? This obviously calls for Class A Hazmat Meddling.
    While I’m hoping Mike has to be meddled into submitting to the Power of Love, we could have an even more boring plot, in which Jenna thinks he’s ignoring her, but he actually wants to get in touch, but can’t because his phone is broken/he’s gone off to Vietnam to help Dr. Jeff with the orphans/whatever.

    S-M – Who says he can’t squash you if he can’t see you? Just as a random example, Potus squashed Sweet Fanny without looking.

  243. killercoconut
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    What pretensions is Funky talking about? Is he saying od’ing in the toilet is putting on airs?

  244. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Monty: I’d pay serious money to see Monty crash Charterstone’s next pool party — and toss a certain meddling old biddy into the pool!

    Luann: Shannon gets tarted up! (Sniff… they grow up so fast!)

    Pluggers: It’s actually nice to see a HAPPY Plugger for a change!

    Love is… giggity giggity goo! (Insert Glenn Quagmire sound bite!)

  245. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    @killercoconut (#243): Heh. Are you referring to Funky’s “dairy air”?

  246. Anonymous
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Luann is doing a bang-up babysitting job, isn’t she? So far, she’s called Shannon annoying and has predicted she will become a fat, boring teenager. She has provided no toys or activities other than giving her junk food. She has forbidden Shannon from turning on the tv or touching anything that doesn’t belong to her, which must include everything in the house given that Shannon doesn’t live there. Meanwhile, Luann has been listening to music through headphones, lounging across the couch using her laptop, lying on her bed with her back to Shannon while reading a magazine. Is this little girl from a dysfunctional and neglected background supposed to just stand in there in the corner like a potted plant while she misses out on the fair and is alternately abused and ignored by the person being paid to take care of her?

  247. James D.
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    GT: Interesting Teddy Roosevelt cameo in panel 2

    FW: ??????????

  248. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MT: It’s comforting to see that while Mark has somehow acquired a cell phone, Cherry still uses a black Lucite land-line phone. Andy, of course, moved on to Bluetooth technology a few years ago.

    DtM: Is this a new direction in the strip? Will Mr. Wilson stand off to the side of each panel and narrate Dennis’s behavior? It would be like the Sunday Mark Trail, but with more flop sweat.

    FC: Yeah, yeah, “playing chimpanzees” is all fun and games until someone gets hit in the eye with flung feces.

    BB: Lt. Fuzz’s thought balloon: “He’s checking out my ass. I just know it—he’s checking out my ass!”

    MW: Oh. My. God. Dr. Roberts went on a date with Jenna and apparently had a good time, and then he never called her? This has never happened in the history of dating!

    Seriously: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    I’m just having fun imagining Jenna’s messages:
    “Hi, Mike! It’s Jenna! I wanted to know if you’d like to catch a movie tomorrow! Call me!”
    “Hi, it’s me. I haven’t heard from you, and I need to know if I should buy the movie tickets. So give me a call! Thanks!”
    “Mike. It’s me. We danced on the beach—danced on the beach! Please call.”
    “Hi, it’s me! Jenna. J-E-N-N-A. Just calling to see how you’re doing! That’s all! Bye!”
    “Hi, me here! So the movie starts in an hour, and I haven’t heard from you. Do you have my phone number? It’s 782-5537! Talk to you soon. Right? Right?”
    “Hi! I’m in front of your house! I’m sure I saw the curtain move, so I’m guessing you’re home! Why aren’t you answering? Pick up pick up pick up!”
    “Mike, I’m looking in your bedroom window, but I can’t see you. Mike? Hello?”
    “Mike, I hear sirens, and they’re getting closer! Is your house on fire?”

  249. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#218): I’m perplexed by this, too. You can’t compel someone to get a makeover, as in some kind of style police state.

    Of course, now that Martin, Gina, Blaze, Doris, Ruby, and Ari are all involved, the “makeover” will also involve a whole new set of friends and family, since it’s hard to have relationships with people you’ve been compelled to murder in the most gruesome, yet expeditious, fashion possible. The gals will have to start with Crazy Taser Lady and rebuild from there.

  250. sugarpie
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#248): That was great!

  251. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    7/14
    Hey – It’s getting really cold down here. What’s going-wait, was The Argyle Sweater funny today?

    The Devil
    Hell

  252. Braniff
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    FC: Today’s cartoon was brought to you by the friendly folks at Greenpeace and EarthFirst! who remind you to do whatever you can to save your local rain forest before it’s too late!!

  253. FafMor
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    FW: “Elvis died next to the toilet on the floor of his bathroom” – is this comedic gold or what?

  254. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Jenna drinks her breakfast — and empties out an entire bottle of Thunderbird in the process! (Or to put it in Street Italian, Jenna is “vino blotto”!)

    The Flying McCoys: First it was Anja Nu… then it was Sweet Fanny… and now it’s this guy! Why are so many comics characters being killed by falling objects all of a sudden? (Although the King Kong cameo in “McCoys” is nice!)

    Last Kiss: Do Oilsicles come on a dipstick?

  255. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#216):
    Today’s (Wednesday’s) FW moves into new territory: complete and total incoherence. Elvis? Sharks playing baseball, even metaphorically? It reads like it went through babelfish into German, Hungarian, and Telugu and then back into “english” again.

    It’s called Writing!

  256. seismic-2
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    FW: As he did with the “high school play” story arc last year, Batiuk answers his critics about the strip’s transition from its carefree youth to its gloomy maturity, in the same pompous fashion that it actually took place. You can almost read between the lines: “So where’s my damn Pulitzer Prize, already?”

    MW: I can’t quite tell whether the picture on the label of the bottle is a cluster of grapes or a human pancreas, so Jenna is either guzzling wine or chugging insulin. Either way, it’s an unopened bottle, and she has a half-drunk glassful of it in front of her, so this is the day’s second (or third?) bottle of whatever it is, and it’s still daytime. Clearly, she will drive to Mike’s apartment by way of the Kerast ravine, and that will be that. Bonnie and Ernie Johnson will therefore lose their financial advisor, and as a result Bonnie will swipe her credit card to the point of bankruptcy, Ernie won’t be able to pay Dr. Mike for their family counseling, and consequently Ernie will murder Bonnie and then commit suicide. In his remorse, Dr. Mike will start prescribing more and more drugs for himself, until he loses his medical license. Mary, this time you’re up for the Nobel Prize in “Meddle”!

  257. TheDiva
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Next thing you know he’ll be wondering why we drive on parkways and park on driveways….

    FW: …What?

    MW: If Jenna’s unseemly forward behavior hasn’t turned Dr. Mike off, her textspeak will. At least she has her cranberry juice to comfort her.

    FW: No, seriously, WHAT?

  258. Buck Ripsnort
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Like Helen Clark before her, Jenna heads down that lonesome Ketchup Trail.

    9CL: Given the “Tee Hee, I snuck something dirty past the editor” direction the strip’s been going down (& I mean WAY down, sucka,) — that’s a photocopy of Brooke’s dick, right?

  259. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Bastille Day funnies

    DtM: Who you talking to, Mr. Wilson?

    Ziggy: What kind of asshole gives his goldfish chili to begin with? Lucky it’s not floating upside-down already.

    JP: “Ex-boyfriend? What ex-boyfriend? I wasn’t giving out any hand-jobs!” Stay away from the poker tables, Neddy.

    MW: Jenna starts to suspect Mike just isn’t that into her, so she guzzles screwtop wine-flavored wine at breakfast. This is what keeps us coming back.

    SSmith: I’d love to see the Hootin’ Holler newspaper office where they put together a daily edition 2/3 the size of an adult woman. Maybe it’s a gag paper with no stories inside.

    S4th: Hil and Faye are just staging a fight so they have something to talk about during VH1′s “Behind the Music.”

    SFx: Oh, the fishanity!

    Crock: Your head is a banana with two huge testicles on the stem. No self-awareness.

    BB: This is why you don’t get your portrait taken during a procto exam.

    Popeye: Oh, what Brooke McEldowney would do with that cannon!

    EC: It looks like Sergeant Snorkel wants to nab that china hutch for his and Beetle’s off-base apartment.

    Archie: From those rock-hard abs and the enigmatic 7-14 tattoo, I’m guessing Hiram Lodge has done time. Perhaps in Russia.

    H&J: Thanks for the fanservice, Bentley.

    FW: The unspoken dialogue of every Funky Winkerbean since 1995. Basically a depressing cover of “American Pie.”

    Phantom: “Prisoners! Look alive! Except for the one trying to escape. You get to look dead.”

    A3G: I look forward to the series of strips where Margo hunts down her father and beats him to death.

  260. Hibbleton
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: I so hope that tomorrow’s strip starts off with a text box saying One month later and we have new sets and new characters with a totally modern look, basically a redesigned strip, but that’s not going to happen (sigh).

    MT: Between Mark’s fists and the cop’s billyclub, this could be the best beat down ever.

  261. Écureuil Écumant
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Mike has no respect for a woman who dances on the first date.

    9CL: Brooke not-so-subtly gives us all the finger, in both panels.

    RMMRSA: “No, Stu, it’s far graver than that. You have clown hair.

    Blondie: What Dithers is really thinking as he walks away: “Two cans of beans! Good thing that reminded me to stick this cork in my ass.”

  262. Helen Clark
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#258): Now wait just a goddammed minute there, Mr. Buck Ripsnort—if that is your (hic) real name. Are you suggesting that I enjoy the occasional (hic) cocktail because some man hasn’t returned my affections? Let me tell you something, mister: I have drunk men under the table. I have shared drinks as part of the time-honored rituals of seduction. I have even had a celebratory martini or two upon kicking some undeserving male specimen to the curb. But gotten (hic) soused because some a man hasn’t telephoned me? Never! And I am offended by the implication that I, Helen Clark, would ever have occasion to do so!

    Where’s my shotgun? ((crash)) Goddamit!

  263. Ned Ryerson
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    FW: I thought I knew all the answers…that you could be saved by rock and roll…that the purpose of a man was to love a woman…that you could see paradise by the dashboard light…that you could put on your red shoes and dance the blues…that the angels wanted to wear my red shoes…that no one knew what it was like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes…that dirty deeds were done dirt cheep…but then elvis died next to the toilet…and Christopher Reeve got thrown off of a horse…and JonJon’s plane went down…and Brandon Lee got killed by a squib…and Tiger Woods’ wife listened to his voice mail…and Japan attacked Pearl Harbor…and a different Darren suddenly appeared on Bewitched…and waiting down the road is a rodeo clown assembled from discounted cream cheese and the tears of microencephalopathic aardvarks and he’s brandishing an electric razor to shear the pubes off of the scrotum of my pretensions, to knit a tiny sweater for gypsum of my postapocalyptic weltschmertzapoloosa.

  264. CanuckDownSouth
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#246): Apparently Evans has taken the advanced classes in parenting skills at the Patterson Academy.

  265. Carrie at the prom
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Funky: Flag on the moon. How did it get there?

    Seriously, Beast of Yucca Flats makes more sense than today’s strip. I was able to follow along just fine until the killer shark nonsense. What do sharks have to do with Elvis dying in his bathroom?

    And is this arch ever going to have a point, Batuik?!

  266. Ned Ryerson
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Ha Ha! Push the button, Frank.

  267. Tom
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Last panel of Mark Trail: Officer Murphy has no badge, what happened to it?

  268. Joe the Plugger
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#84): Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

  269. Charterstoned
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#256): So that’s Kelrast Ravine? And all this time I’ve been calling it “The Cliffs of Insanity.”

  270. Bootsy
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#154):

    Dammit, Dingo gets a cape?!?

    Maybe he’s Frank Costanza’s lawyer.

  271. Lynn
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#246): “Is this little girl from a dysfunctional and neglected background supposed to just stand in there in the corner like a potted plant while she misses out on the fair and is alternately abused and ignored by the person being paid to take care of her?” Hell, yes. This is Luann we’re talking about.

  272. Lynn
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Does any doctor, anywhere, offer patients a cup of coffee? I’m lucky if there’s a magazine in the waiting room. I wonder how the coffee shows up on the billing statement. “Rx caffeine $128.78″.

  273. TinLizzie
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Clever plan in today’s Phantom. “There’s no sign of the missing prisoner, sir! Though we did find a woman-sized patch of disturbed soil that goes ‘ow’ when we walk on it.”

  274. Lynn
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Kit’n'Carlyle, why, oh, why do I read this stupid crap. Today I learned that the kit’n is actually Carlyle (it’s on the food bowl, unless the kat is eating out of the woman’s dish) and he (?) is asking for “uncooked sushi”, as opposed to that cooked sushi you get over at Red Lobster.

  275. Mibbitmaker
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MW: So, Dr. Mike ends up being just another cad who won’t even return calls after a date he claimed was great, and Jenna’s this drunken loon who is practically stalking the jerk every waking minute. Oh, yeah, that’s your best work right there, Mary!

    FW: Or, WTF! Killer shark issues? Huh????? Also, the Bizarro Underground Garage bit at the beginning is a pointless downer (so what else is new?). And I wouldn’t talk pretentions if I were you, McEldowney Mini-Me!

    GF: Please, Bucky! Not on the same day as today’s Funky Winkerbean! Even Popeye doesn’t have enough question marks for these two strips.

    9CL: C’mon, that’s just another puerile pee-pee gag, McE! Your filthy mind, Brooke, not ours.

    A3G: Why isn’t Margo killing those two by now? They carrying Margo Kryptonite or something?

    BBlues: Danae Pyle, STOP WRITING BABY BLUES!!!

    Curtis: That Barry. Some days, he’s a contemptible little shit; others (like today), he speaks for you and me.

    DT: That doesn’t explain the now-mashed Annie Oakley over there.

    RMMD: Nice callback there. On the other hand, the mayor is like an aging Ralph Malph living in Westview, Ohio.

  276. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    9CL: The “stranger” is Gene Simmons, bassist for Kiss — and he’s wagging his prodigious tongue at the “happy” couple!

    Get Fuzzy: Didn’t Doctor Who do pretty much the same thing to James Corden’s character in “The Lodger”?

    reFOOB: Michael takes a crap in the woods — and Elly finds her sense of smell overwhelmed by the unimaginable stench! (The Pattersons took TWO sets of poop bags on their trip. One is for Farley… and the other is for Michael. Baby Liz, of course, still poops in her diapers.)

  277. Comcis Fan
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#263):

    This is why I read Comics Curmudgeon. Thank you.

    News for Funky: Depressed and disappointed do not equal deep. If only he had known that Sam Cooke died violently and young more than a decade before Elvis and the toilet, he might have been spared thinking he could be saved by rock-n-roll, whatever that means anyway. Or, he might have just enjoyed the rock-n-roll for what it is.

  278. Ned Ryerson
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Lynn (#272): Doctor’s who have spacious offices with a big desk in front of a window, who have patients who come in to see them in said office and say things like “give it to me straight, doc, is it CANCER?” offer their patients a cup of coffee. These doctors stare dramatically out the window before turning to deliver the prognosis.

    For reference, watch The Days of the Week, SCTV’s soap opera parody, starring Eugene Levy as Dr. Elliot Sabin.

  279. Ned Ryerson
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    I can’t believe I just posted “Doctor’s” instead of Doctors.

  280. Calico
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Get in the car, Elly, and tell John to speed away. Do it now.

  281. Calico
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Lynn (#272):
    Believe it or not, our veterinarian offers me coffee when he’s not super-busy.
    Nice. : )

  282. Hibbleton
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Lynn (#272):
    RMMD: Does any doctor, anywhere, offer patients a cup of coffee?
    Yes, depends on the doc but I had it happen this year.

  283. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    9 – He was just happy to see them.

    Bizarro – Careful what you wish for, Polly. Last time you said you wanted a cracker.

    Crankshaft – Who hydrocares?

    Dick – Looks like the outlines of the “Science Museum” are getting fuzzy and indistinct. Happens every story about this time. Even the props know their time is up.

    Our evils now are ended. These our victims,
    As you guessed it, never breathed air and
    Are nothing but ink; smeary black ink:
    And, like the empty conceits of this story:
    The sign-front hovels, the pint-size mansions,
    The Stukas, subs and Chicago itself,
    Yea, everything within it, wipes away
    And, like thin ink pressed on coarse newsprint,
    Gets cycled with the cans. We’re like the trash
    That blows down highways, and our feeble scenes
    Are buried with the stiffs.

  284. Comcis Fan
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Wait, cruise vacation? Is he talking about the cruise the Morgans took, like, a year ago? Was that only a month ago in RMMD time? By excitement, I thought he meant the kung fu, mugger-bustin’ teenage cousin and her skater, courtship-of-eddie’s-father-lookin’ sidekick.

    MW: Never text while drowning your stalker sorrows in Manischewitz wine. While denied the pleasure of watching true love develop between Jenna and Mike, Mary at least will be able to save Jenna and help her realize she’s worthwhile.

    http://sas.guidespot.com/bundles/guides_70/assets/widget_d-vd-3zTjmikZmjA-BW2e4.jpg

  285. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Fred – A dramatic shift in the strip today as Yorky acts out The Martyrdom of Saint Sebastian.

    Mark – Time for Sassy to get a makeover. Here ya go, kid! The vet made Sassy into a poodle-yorkie mix, and gave her… sorry, him… some sense, too!

    Marmaduke ate Baby Jesus!

    Rhymes – Crap! There’s another one of my cartoons used by someone else. Well, maybe there’s a twenty-year statute of limitations on these things.

  286. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190): I expect that a certain number of cartoonists become Mormons after they die.

    @Tom (#267): Even now, the evil hick is calling Officer O’McMurphy to demand a thousand smackeroos for the return of his badge.

  287. Comcis Fan
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#231):

    Exactly. Thank you for writing those words so I didn’t have to do so. And Josh thought poop bags were bad.

  288. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Lynn (#272): The mayor’s personal physician realistically could.

  289. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Lucky (#233):
    RE FW: Batiuk jumped the shark when Funky, Les, etc. graduated from high school in 1988.

    Also @Sheila Sternwell (#213): There was another time-jump a while back that aligned the original Funksters with their ages relative to the Class of ’88. It must have been mid ’00s because they were all in their mid-30s. The latest jump makes them 10 years older than that. All except Funky himself. He forgot to land for an extra 20 years or so.

  290. spike
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    FW: Batiuk got confused and put Ed Crankshaft’s dialog into Funky’s talk balloon.

    MW: Will Mary be laying a rose on Jenna’s grave in the coming weeks?

  291. Sequitur
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#281): Veterinarian eh. That ain’t coffee.

  292. Fata Morgana
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    MW: What? You mean you can’t solve the social problems of two dysfunctional people just by setting them up on a date? I’m disappointed in you, Mary. It’s going to take some serious meddle, or maybe a drunken car crash, to save this storyline.

  293. Chyron HR
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Once I thought that you could be saved by Rock and Roll… that sometimes you just might fight you get what you need… that mountains come out of the sky and stand there… that I was the one that you wanted, wooo wooo wooo.

    But then I learned that you can’t put a name on Ruby Tuesday… that sharks can kill… that Emperor Palapatine could dissolve the Imperial Senate. And now they’ve got some kid younger than me starring in Doctor Who.

    Mmmm, that’s goooooood writin’!

  294. Pop Goes the Weasel
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#263):
    I vote for this entire paragraph to be the “Comment of the Week”!

  295. Pop Goes the Weasel
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Question: Is Helen Clark Wilbur’s almost mother-in-law?

  296. Écureuil Écumant
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Pop Goes the Weasel (#295): Maybe… Does she drink Best Foods bourbon?

  297. Carlo
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#263): Try to fit that treatise in a three-panel comic. It makes more sense than what’s actually on the page, though.

    I think FW was written by Zippy the Pinhead‘s Bill Griffith today. Killer-Shark Issues is a great band name.

  298. mollificent
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#248): Oh my God. Must…stop…laughing…so I can take a shower and go to work…if I’m late, it will be all your fault.

  299. Professor Fate
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    MW: And she transforms into Needy Woman!

    FW: 1) if his toliet wasn’t in his bathroom Elivs was a lot more twisted than we thought. 2) most of the killer shark issues facing you are you’re own damn fault funky. 3) Rock n’ Roll isn’t about life eternal it’s about living right now – to quote Bruce Springstein. Or just listen to Joey Ramones recording of “it’s a wonderful world” to get the point. (done while he was dying of cancer by the way). And oh yes Fuck You Batuik.

    Spider man: The only reason Iron man can’t see is that his eyes are closed.

  300. mollificent
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    MC: Ashley is celebrating Bastille Day by deciding to emulate Robespierre.

  301. Barto
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Fora second there I though you’d jumped the shark. I stopped reading “Cathy” a long time ago, once I realized it was all recycled panels and insipid punch lines. And the author lives in my town….

  302. Robin
    July 14th, 2010 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    “I Dressed in the Dark” is looking more and more like that first season episode of Doctor Who where Jack Harkness is kidnapped and made to participate in a makeover show. It starts out innocently enough but ends with the makeover ladies threatening to cut his head off and replace it with a dog’s head or some such.

  303. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Hey, yeah, it’s Bastille Day! Allons, enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé! Somebody give Jules a smack upside the head and let my people go.

  304. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MW — The good doc is impotent, isn’t he? I think I saw this plot on M*A*S*H once.

  305. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @mollificent (#300): I’m envisioning Maureen as Madame DeFarge.

  306. Calico
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Vive le jour de Bastille!

    Meanwhile, Jenna uses the holiday as an excuse to get completely hammered on pomegranate wine.

  307. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#246): Sounds like Luann is doing a perfect job… she’s pretty much exceeding any effort my babysitters ever put in.

  308. Calico
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth is our token Forex Robot. We don’t need another, but thanks.

  309. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Poor Funky! No one taught him how to dance real slow.

  310. commodorejohn
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Wow. The girls of 3-G have been betrayed by everyone they know. Now there’s nothing standing between them and a bloody rampage that will leave all of New York in flames.

    AS – To paraphrase Tom Servo, “never put a good comic in the middle of your crappy one.” Also, what!?

    A&J – Nice cinematography here.

    Crankshaft – Crankshaft made a joke that I could see myself making in similar circumstances. I’m not sure whether to be proud of him or ashamed of myself. In any case, John Wood is not impressed.

    DT – I was going to say that we already covered this at the start of the storyline, but since that was about thirty-five years ago (I think,) I suppose we could use a refresher.

    FC – Can I be the poacher?

    FW – Oh, come on. Tommy, boy, waxing philosophical about the death of Elvis and then talking about “pretensions” is damn near equivalent to pulling down your pants and mooning a drunk, gun-toting bipolar person in terms of asking for it.

    GT – That is a mustache that demands respect.

    HOTC – Andy Warhol would be proud, Dean.

    JP – Oh dear. Jules seems to have contracted a case of Knowing Smirk-itis from his interaction with Sam.

    Love Is… – nitrous oxide.

    Luann – I find the “Lady Gaga” poster hilarious, because the two songs I’ve heard by the woman sound like Duran Duran written by a twelve-year-old, and they’re still a more nuanced, healthy take on human sexuality than anything in Luann.

    MT – Oh God, does Mark Trail ever have the dumbest criminals in all of fiction.

    Marmaduke – You know how Angry Kem had that running gag going on about Marmaduke being the Antichrist? I think it just got canonized (pun fully intended.)

    MW – Nothing makes me laugh quite like seeing Mary Worth characters attempt to portray human emotion. “This is Sad, see? See how I have turned down the corners of my mouth and eyebrows? Notice how my ponytail is drooping? That is Sad. Now I will rest my head on the table behind my arms, because this conveys Sad as well.”

    MC – It’s okay, Ashley. One day you’ll show them. You’ll show them ALL!

    SF – I love this strip so much.

    SM – REJECTED.

  311. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    FW: So far I’m finding Batiuk’s rendition of The Road far superior to the film adaptation.

    MW: Wrong again, Jenna – everybody knows that the perfect complement to despair, shattered expectations, and needy texting is white wine, not red vinegar.

    FC: Speaking of primate studies, check out Thel’s left breast. She’s presenting!

    GT: “Laps?! I’m only taking this stupid class to meet some hot golfer chicks!”

    DT: Dick puts his hands on his hips in disgust. In his culture, a failed kill is a source of shame. A failed kill that keeps mouthing off disgraces the whole tribe.

    And what is Johnny Nothing-Blank trying to say? “I thought our little stageplay was the perfect opportunity to get you–”
    “–to open up and share your feelings.”
    “–a bouquet of roses in honor of your riveting portrayal of Man With Tie.”
    “–alone in the cockpit.”

  312. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#310):

    A3G – Wow. The girls of 3-G have been betrayed by everyone they know. Now there’s nothing standing between them and a bloody rampage that will leave all of New York in flames.

    It’s Russ Meyers’ lost classic, Faster Mule! Kill! Kill!

  313. wossname
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#263): COTW!

  314. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#248) and @Joolz (#240): Great entries in the competition for Best Imaginary Jenna Messages (Phone and Text divisions).

  315. CanuckDownSouth
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#274): Actually, while most traditional toppings involve raw seafood, many types of traditional (and American-version) sushi are supposed to be fully cooked: steamed / marinated vegetables, eel, certain kinds of shrimp, omelet slice (and California roll and its variations ). Many of these can be found at your local grocery store, but I haven’t seen any at red Lobster yet :-)

    Now, raw sashimi would be redundant.

  316. Sequitur
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#310):

    MC – It’s okay, Ashley. One day you’ll show them. You’ll show them ALL!

    You forgot the “Bwahahahahahahah!”

  317. Comcis Fan
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#313):

    Agreed on #263 Being COTW. Not to deconstruct too much, he had me at “and Tiger Woods’ wife listened to his voicemail,” and the two Darrens, good stuff.

  318. Ellie
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Jenna is supposed to be such a professional that she barely has time for a social life Yet, here she’s been sitting drunk at her table in the same clothes for a week?

  319. seismic-2
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Of course Rex offers the mayor a cup of coffee! Then after delivering his diagnosis and making the mayor totally distraught, Rex will offer him a second cup of coffee, and then another, and another. He gets a kick out of doing that to all his patients with prostate problems.

    @Ned Ryerson (#263): Where is Martin Luther, now that we need him to nail that treatise onto Tom Batiuk’s door?

  320. Marion Delgado
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Whatever you think of Baby Blues, you have to admit letting Tom Batiuk guest edit and draw it was a stroke of genius. So, what should it be replaced with?

  321. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#263): Just… brilliant.

  322. Carrie at the prom
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    The only way I can possibly get today’s FW strip to make sense is to assume that the paramedics gave Funky some serious drugs in the back of that ambulance.

    And once again Toomey and Sherman’s Lagoon show how to combine a serious subject with humor. Batuik, read and learn.

  323. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Ellie (#318): I imagine that Jenna (a planner, after all) has structured her time so compulsively that she has scheduled an hour each day for “Moping/Drunk Texting” (plus a few hours for stalking on the weekends). At the top of the hour, she puts on her mourning robe, cracks open the spiked Big Red soda, and drowns her sorrows in a whirlpool of self-loathing and carbonation. Then she pulls herself together and touches her face several times: time to get back to work.

    Jenna is a tidier and less flamboyant Miss Havisham.

  324. odinthor
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    NYerCC. –

    “Frankly, sir, with all due respect, my personal view is that just about anything would be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.”

  325. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#324): “We never promised live monkeys.”

  326. UncleJeff
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#281): Is offering coffee to a Calico a good idea? I mean, I can see a Persian or a Tabby…certainly not a kitten.

  327. UncleJeff
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of doctors and coffee: with our new smoking ban in Wisconsin (extended to bars and taverns this past week), my dad and I were talking about how smoking in accepted places has changed. He remembered when I was 6 years old and suffering from allergy problems, we visited our family doctor who was a heavy smoker….and smoked in the examining rooms. Guess what I was allergic to?

  328. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#225): that’s a lot of BIG poop!

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#241): da bats are great, but dat puppy is uber-great! If he would’ve been in the pen with Sassy, you just know who would’ve been left behind.

  329. Carlo
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#327): Peanut butter?

  330. Carlo
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#327): Ragweed?

  331. Carlo
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#327): No, wait, is it the family dog? I bet it’s the family dog.

  332. Edgy DC
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Officer Fatty McMismatch, that’s a sweet stealth nightstick you’re carrying there.

  333. Calico
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#291):
    Hahahaha!
    @UncleJeff (#326):
    I knew a cat about 20 years ago who actually liked coffee – the “Caffeine Cat.”
    @Chyron HR (#293):
    Funky is thinking about his “Glory Days” and wants to keep “Going Back.”
    (Apologies to Broooooce and Phil)

  334. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#246): welcome to Luann’s World!! Why Luann hasn’t had the bright idea of locking her in the car for a couple of hours is beyond me.

    Oh, yeah — pommes frites for everybody! Wooooo! Jerry Lewis is a comedy GOD!

  335. Anonymous
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#323): Tremendous reference. But really, don’t these people have to learn to lower their expectations?

  336. shermy glamrocker
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Spiky hat? Check.
    Greasy black hair? Check.
    Worn out dirty T-shirt? Check
    Reading a menu? FUCK! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT JUGHEAD SON OF A BITCH?

  337. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Designated drivers are a good thing for your birfday journeys.

    on a comics related note, I liked Lio today. Just a nice in-character strip.

    JP: a toon could drown in Neddy’s eyes.

  338. Shannon's Puppet
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Carlo (#331):

    No! It’s the flea powder on the dog! At least that’s what happened in the Brady Bunch…

  339. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#335): Hell no – haven’t you read “The Secret”, America’s how-to guide for magical thinking? Jenna failed to find happiness – why? Because she didn’t want it bad enough.

    (Yeah, me neither.)

  340. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t Josh a bit late today? I hope he’s not caught in poop bags.

  341. Lynn
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#315): Shows how much I know about sushi. All worked up over nothing.

  342. Lynn
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    Sushi?

  343. Sequitur
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    ~Sigh~ Another fart joke today.

  344. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#343): But Seq, this is completely in character for Eno. Next Charterstone pool party, don’t get ahead of me folks, I’d love to see a Ian Toeby Ian Mary Dr. Jeff sporting the Puffy Pantaloon look.

  345. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    La Cucaracha: How do you say “Justin Bieber” in Spanish? (Russian spy, my ass!)

  346. Sequitur
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#344): I would love to see Eno crash a Charterstone party. And his little dog too!

  347. Jasper
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    MW – Jenna, you should have never put out on that first date. Oh wait, after one cornball date with Dr. Mike, he doesn’t call or respond, so your going to get plastered, puke all over your apartment, go looking for Mike, pass out somewhere only to be found by Meddling Mary as two hobos are about to sleep fuck you. Actually, Dr. Mike has been painfully dripping into a toilet for the last few days with a nasty case of gonorhea. Should have used protection. At this point this plot could go in so many exciting directions, but we’ll end up with an anticlimactic ho-hum happily ever transitioned into Mary’s next round of meddling.

    MT- Hey officer O’Worthless, go solve a fucken crime somewhere instead of hanging around this old bag’s place in hopes of a quick and sloppy piece of tail.

    Was that a yelp? Coming from that apartment? Rusty, that sounds like Sassy!

  348. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#346): Oh that would be rich! Mary’s continual overweening tut-tutting his crudeness would send her into a hyperventilated swoon. Either that or when someone popped his inflated swim trunks, sending everyone fainting into the salmon squares and Potato-Ade. Maybe he should just wear his t-back thong to eliminate the embarrassment. Ha ha, I said em-bare-ass-ment!

  349. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#341): If you knew sushi like I know sushi! (Did you know they make sushi out of raw catfish in Snuffy Smith’s Hootin Holler? Yum!)

  350. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#349): Did you know they make sushi out of raw salmon squares at Charterstone? Yuck!

    Oh come on, you knew someone was going to say it eventually.

  351. littlestevie
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: You know Jenna, M.D.s do work odd hours and take call, especially if the good Dr. has to personally check the ovulation cycle of Mimi Thorpe.

  352. Sequitur
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#348): Eno and Charlie would become best buds. They’d slip grass in the salmon squares. Not marijana. Just grass clippings.

  353. Mullighan-Mae
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    It makes me glad to know that in a while, I will no longer share the same haircut as Tommie. I will live my life in shame no longer!

  354. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Jasper (#347): I suspect the story is going to be far more pedestrian, but if things don’t work out between Jenna and Mike (as in, Mike is just going to blow her off totally), you just know it’s going to be a week’s worth of platitudes from Mary. AND Mary will completely wash her hands of having had any influence in getting these two yo-yos together in the first place.
    Ah, yes, Mary “just call me Pontius” Worth

  355. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Jasper (#347): You can get gonorrhea from dune-dancing? Whooda thunkit.

  356. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#352): Slip grass in the salmon squares? No! We can hope those scamps’d find something interesting to do with the poop bags, too.

    @bats :[ (#354): bats :[, girl, you should know by now it’ll be 3 weeks of judgmental bloviating in Jenna’s apartment and strolling through Charterstone, then a couple weeks of trite cliches over orange globs at the Bum Boat.

    Next storyline starts with Mary and Dr. Jeff making like Peter Parker (watching TV).

  357. cheech wizard
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    FC – Ah, yes – Jef Keane is recalling those halcyon days when he and his brother used to fling shit at passers-by.

    Your mom may be Jane Goodall, but if you didn’t clean your rooms, you dad is going to be Werner von Braun and boot your ass into space. Better yet, have him be a Russian space scientist who’ll feed you poison once you get there.

  358. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#354): Maybe, just maybe, if we all pray really really hard, Jenna will work herself into a drunken, murderous rage, stumbling about in her standard-issue Charterstone Purple Robe of Despair, mourning the loss of her only chance at love, like, ever, stroking her never-cleaned Red Dress of Beachy Desire, wondering how it all went wrong, oh god how did it all go so very wrong?, until her weeping and sobbing and slobbery gasps eventually focus on the real cause of her sorrow, the person who put this travesty of romance, this life-sapping disappointment, into motion in the first place: Mary Worth.

    Clutching her bottle of Cherry-Flav Potato-Ade in one hand, Jenna will confront Mary, her robe slipping open to reveal the tear-and-mucus-stained nightie beneath. Mary will respond, naturally, with platitudes: “It’s better to have loved and lost,” “The course of true love never did run true,” “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” etc.—until finally, blessedly, Jenna will snap, breaking off the neck of her bottle and, with a surprisingly agile and accurate motion for someone who really is a sloppy drunk, spring forward and slice the wattled, wrinkled gullet with the jagged edge.

    (Later, of course, Dr. Jeff Corey will stitch her up, noting that the loss of blood has, strangely, not affected her at all, nor has the 30-minute cessation of her heartbeat.)

    Jenna will gather her wits and go on the lam, eventually resurfacing as the financial planner for Peace Village.

  359. spike
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#356): Mary’s taking Jenna to the Bum Boat?

  360. cheech wizard
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    Phantom – Dianna just can’t follow orders, can she?

    MW – No wonder he dumped her – what doctor is going to want to date an illiterate?

  361. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#358): ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

    And just for fun (or not…I wasn’t happy with my responses!), “I Write Like…”, in which the mystical computer tells you what famous author you write like! Fun for the whole family!

  362. Vince M
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#272): At an exam once, the doctor asked “Do you drink coffee?” I anxiously replied something like “Yes…quite a bit. Probably more than I should – I was thinking of cutting down!” and he said “I was going to ask if you wanted a cup.” I think I said “Yeah, sure!”

  363. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#342):
    Gesundheit.

    Sorry.

  364. Anson Pants
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    The girls of apartment 3G are about to be assimilated by the Borg. It would be awesome if they end up built like thirtyeight of D seven of nine.

  365. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @spike (#359): Yes. It’ll be Mary, Jenna, Dr. Jeff, and Billy Bob the Singing Catfish on the wall. Dr. Jeff will be resplendent in a plaid double knit polyester jacket from the Golden Bear collection at Sears circa 1968. Mary will wear something sensible, in the sense that even Tommie Thompson would think the outfit is uptight.

    Platitudes will flow like wine at a Roman feast. The other diners, acting as if this were a Roman feast, will find the vomitoriums (vomitoria?) to disgorge themselves of Mary clichés. Either Mary’s droning soliliquy or the constantly changing wall and furniture locations will induce this extreme nausea.

  366. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#361): I used my post at 358, and my result was Ian Fleming. Hmmmm…. Could this get me in with Daniel Craig?

  367. Baka Gaijin
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    Last thoughts before bedtime:

    Frazz: Scrotal abnormalities is funny?* Yes, yes it is!

    Mary Worth: With Jenna’s luck with men, she should look into lesbianism. Either that or Crazy Cat Lady-ism. Just sayin’. I’d die if Mary recommended either one. Just die!

    Mary Worth, second look: “With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue…” Spandau Ballet, True.

    * Band name!

  368. cheech wizard
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#361): I tried your link – but I’ve never heard of an author named “Shit.”

  369. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#366):
    My #138 came out Stephen King, which is very interesting considering what @This Guy (#188) said.

  370. littlestevie
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#358): Jenna might find some work at the peace village. They never did find out who was supplying the Santa Royale drug dealers with all of that high grade herion from a couple of episodes back and what is the source of all of the girls that work the Asian massage parlors in Santa Royle? I think the peace village might be raking in some big bucks and they could use the services of a money launderer err, financial planner.

  371. RussH
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    I just assumed that the shaking in the “Dennis The Menace” strip was Hank Ketcham coming down with Parkinson’s Disease.

  372. Walker of Dog
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#358): Now there’s an opportunity for magical thinking I can get behind. I will start visualizing Jenna’s meltdown immediately.

    When she goes on the lam, maybe she can team up with Bobbie Merrill, Helen Clark, and one other nutjob, to create the greatest and most dangerous homicidal girl-band ever!

    @bats :[ (#361): Shove over, Dubliners – I write like James Joyce. Uh, sure. (Must be all the hyphens.)

  373. Little Guy
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Sly Robbie (#189): Yeah, but *SPOILER ALERT* Drago killed Apollo Creed in the ring, so which one goes to her early grave?

  374. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#369): I wonder if the analysis is based more on style or on content. I’ve never read Fleming, actually, but when I write in the style above, I think of it as more over-the-top new journalism-ish, what with the long sentences and generative phrases and all.

  375. seismic-2
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#361): In the second panel of MW, Jenna has just tried your link, and she has been told that she writes like Brooke McEldowney.

  376. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#368): I think that’s T. Batuik’s nom de plume (“It’s called writing!”).

    Wow, bbu, wouldn’t that be keen? Of course, three different examples of my writing came up with James Joyce twice (and I HATE friggin’ James Joyce!) and H.P. Lovecraft. No kidding. So I’m hoping the Ian Fleming/Daniel Craig scenario wouldn’t work for me.

  377. bats :[
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#369): and THAT is just plain spooky!

  378. The Ghost of Jarrod
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Truly, Funky Winkerbean has jumped the killer shark.

  379. Uncle Lumpy
    July 14th, 2010 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#374):

    I wonder if the analysis is based more on style or on content.

    I’m thinking content. When I entered To Aldo’s Coy Mistress, it said I wrote like Raymond Chandler – probably from keywords like “fingerprints”, “knife”, and “jail cell.”

    Just for grins, I entered a wall o’ text from 9 Chickweed Lane. And got: Arthur Conan Doyle. I ain’t buyin’ it.

  380. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @The Ghost of Jarrod (#378): Funky might have jumped the killer shark, but he still has to watch out for the Cutty Sark!

  381. Écureuil Écumant
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#361): I put in the last verse of my recent “Arancini” (in the Cooking Corner) and it told me I write like James Fenimore Cooper. Now that’s just spooky, because my dad’s middle name was Cooper — he’s descended from Cooper. And it’s also mean, because I think Cooper’s writing style sucks.

    On the other hand, I was deliberately trying to write bad verse ;-)

  382. zerowolf
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Et tu, Gabriella?

  383. zerowolf
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    When did “Luann” become “Bringing up Margo?”

  384. zerowolf
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    GT: Two laps around the golf course, you need to be in shape to run those 18 bases.

  385. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#349): “Where I come from, we call that BAIT.” [*]

  386. DairyStateDad
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#361): I did that twice. One sample it says I write like Margaret Atwood. Another sample it says H.P. Lovecraft. Go figure…

  387. gnome de blog
    July 14th, 2010 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#372), @bats :[ (#376):
    Hey – it ain’t easy to write a forty-page run-on sentence

  388. robin
    July 15th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I too have stopped reading Cathy (maybe more than a year ago), when it became crystal clear that the same boring ‘seasonal’ themes repeat themselves over and over. The one time when I thought that there was some plot, i.e. Charlene was pregnant… but never had the baby…. go figure… , it was trashed in favor of the stupid and the boring repetitive themes…. robin.

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