The Comics Curmudgeon

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Mission not accomplished

Beetle Bailey, 12/20/06

And Beetle Bailey’s queasy, uncomfortable treatment of sexuality continues apace. (See here, here, and here for more of it, if you dare.) There’s an increasingly disturbing undercurrent of sexual mismatch in the strip, as various desperate plays for intimacy are parried by hostility, apathy, or restrictive military regulations against sexual harassment and/or gayness. Since they’re denied by their cruel overlords the Walkers either the right to get it on with one another or to experience the catharsis of combat, it’s no wonder the denizens of Camp Swampy are such emotional wrecks.

Apartment 3-G, 12/20/06

Worry not, friends: we are only privy to these uncharacteristically humble meanderings through the cartoon magic of thought balloons; no other A3G character will ever learn of them, since Margo shuns human intimacy and all other forms of weakness. I’m just charmed to find out that she refers to herself by her last name in her negative self-talk.

Gil Thorp, 12/20/06

With Stormy Hicks and Stumpy Ritter bundled safely off to the Naval Academy Prep School and the Paralympics, respectively, it’s time for a new storyline in Gil Thorp. This of course inevitably involves confusion and chaos, since it can take days or weeks before anyone can tell what the hell is going on. At first I thought that our Syracuse-branded sweatshirt fan was ex-hobo Ted Pearse, but it’s actually the noted “Lisa Wyche.” Perhaps we’ll get an intriguing plot involving same-sex loving on the girl’s basketball team, or at least parental disapproval of tomboyishness. No matter what, though, I need to see as much of Lisa’s terrifying space alien mother as humanly possible.

Luann, 12/20/06

Allow me to translate, Puddles: you aren’t getting jack for Christmas. It’s a good thing you have some biped friends, or else you’d be in a burlap sack at the bottom of a river. Capisce? Now leave Santa the hell alone.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 01:10 am and is filed under Apartment 3-G, Beetle Bailey, Gil Thorp, Luann.

265 responses to “Mission not accomplished”

Weasel Boy
December 21st, 2006 at 1:18 am [Reply]

Luann: “Global Surveillance, N. American Sector.” Jeez, that reminds me of Bil Keane giving God and his angel minions computers to keep track of us mortals. Not funny then. Not funny now.
Martin
December 21st, 2006 at 1:25 am [Reply]

You’re just jealous of Margo because you can’t refer to yourself by your last name during your inner monologues because your last name has like 5 syllables.
Lisa
December 21st, 2006 at 1:31 am [Reply]

Yep. Puddles just got shafted all right. I believe this is species-ism, that’s what it is. Let’s get Al Sharpton on the phone stat.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 1:31 am [Reply]

A3G — I really really wish Margo would start warbling “They’re writing songs of love, but not for meeeeeee…”
Bobdog
December 21st, 2006 at 1:33 am [Reply]

Holy [Margo]! Margo’s going to pull an Aldo!
Donald The Anarchist
December 21st, 2006 at 1:34 am [Reply]

Beetle Bailey I think we need a followup strip where Sarge tells Ms Buxley he’d like to shove his face into her pie, then in the next panel we see him doing exactly that, but, you know, with an actual pie, instead of her vagina. They could then follow that up with a strip featuring Sarge telling Beetle he’d like to swallow his banana cream. The next panel shows Beetle from the neck up, with loud “Slurp” sounds emitting from below, as Beetle says, “Come on, we’ve been leading up to this for 50 freaking years!!!”

Luann “You see, Puddles. There was a rich man and a poor man. The rich man lived a comfortable life but then was sent to hell. The poor man lived a deprived, miserable life but was rewarded when he went to Heaven. You’re like that poor man, Puddles, except that you’re a dog and when you die that’s it. So get used to being left out. Plus the poor man got kicked out of Heaven when he couldn’t make the rent. God doesn’t like slackers.”
Luprand
December 21st, 2006 at 1:36 am [Reply]

Good ol’ Margo and her amazing Vanishing Turtleneck (C)!
Conor
December 21st, 2006 at 1:41 am [Reply]

Next Luann strip? Puddles savagely mauls Santa, then converts to Judaism. Hannukah Harry would give presents to dogs. And for eight nights, too!
Mike P
December 21st, 2006 at 1:44 am [Reply]

Does anyone actually read Gil Thorp? I have it on my Chron list, but usually I just glance at it because I can’t figure out who the hell anyone is. Now that we have a space alien in the cast, I may have to start paying closer attention to it.
mfdshan
December 21st, 2006 at 1:53 am [Reply]

12/21 JP
Barreto, please come back soon! If we see the hideousness of old lady Cabot as drawn by this ~~hack~~ substitute artist, we may all go blind.
JonO
December 21st, 2006 at 1:57 am [Reply]

FOOB –Did you notice today?

“Deanna wake up! Something’s wrong!”

She’s so far gone she can’t hear the device designed to wake her up in the event something’s wrong?

Further evidence that Deanna is too sane for this strip and has chosen substance abuse as the only way out.

Aldomania, it’s contagious.
Rhekarid
December 21st, 2006 at 1:57 am [Reply]

Beetle clearly suffers from some pretty serious narcolepsy. It’s a good thing he lives in Beetle Bailey, where nobody will ever laugh at him even by accident.

For someone who tries so hard to hide her emotions, Margo sure is terrible at hiding her emotions. While the reader is treated to her inner turmoil, the people around her are enjoying some New York style crazy-on-the-corner streetshow, as her expression changes dramatically from concerned, to angry, to surprised, to sad, all in the space of a few seconds.
Randy S
December 21st, 2006 at 1:58 am [Reply]

Apparently Santa is a lot like the Wizard of Oz… He doesn’t actually give you anything you want (and probably doesn’t even have the power to do so)except “symbolic” trinkets that “represent” something of value… Delivered with just enough treacly sentiment that you’re distracted for the moment from ripping out his throat with your large canines.
Randy S
December 21st, 2006 at 1:58 am [Reply]

Oh and Beetle should just shoot himself now.
reader-who-posts
December 21st, 2006 at 2:02 am [Reply]

BB: Beetle has been taking dating tips from Rex Morgan and Mark Trail.

Luann: Dogs may be screwed, but I bet Santa is going to give Christmas presents to beavers!
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
December 21st, 2006 at 2:04 am [Reply]

Let me see if I can figure out (DT)GT. (It is 49 minutes after my birthday, so you may guess whether I’m completely sober or not.)

In the first panel, we see the Grim Reaper (right) and someone in a hat like this one as they react to the voice of a shadowy figure looming in the open doorway of a house located three-quarters of a mile away down a long, winding sidewalk.

In panel 2, Michael Jackson (wearing makeup and a hoodie and holding basketball) makes incomprehensible double entendres with a young blond “Syracuse” fan of indeterminate gender in front of “Lisa Wyche’s House,” which is apparently – to judge from the rivets – a battleship.

Panel 3: A space alien with a pet ectoplasmic entity living in her coffee cup speaks to her hairdressing dummy (tresses lovingly rendered – apparently modeled after the artist’s own hairdressing dummy). She describes a strange alien ritual, in which “juniors” are compelled to “shine” for an entire year. In the background, we see that the alien has promoted one of the square wall tiles to a mystical cube that keeps watch over the odd dual-coffee-cup/IV tube/transistor radio device the aliens use in their “shining” rituals.

Elsewhere: Lu Ann from A3G discovers that Albert the Docent really is a pink ham-rider; while an epidemic of furniture-insurance-salesmen murders has people darkly muttering old jungle sayings about fraudulent damage claims.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
December 21st, 2006 at 2:06 am [Reply]

Did Beetle Bailey always have this subplot of Buxom Buxley Hotchick or whatever her name is unsubtly throwing herself at Beetle, or is that a more recent development? My money is on the latter, although it’s entirely possible that there was sexual subtext in that strip in 1982 that I totally missed due to being 8 years old.

I was about to say, “Geez Miss Buxley, you’re the only female in the strip. You could have your pick of any guy.” But of course, who are the guys? There’s Zero, Plato or whatever his name is, General Hatrack, Sarge… It’s no wonder she’s throwing herself at the narcoleptic with no eyes.

Incidentally, you all might be interested/horrified to see this Miss Buxley doll, which combines an unattainable figure and unrealistically high hemline with an inbred pig-face.
reader-who-posts
December 21st, 2006 at 2:08 am [Reply]

BC: WTF is that supposed to mean? Only Johnny Hart would think saying that democrats were going to walk around the House blowing a trumpet amounts to cutting political commentary. Well, if Bruce Tinsley were sober he would but thankfully we’ll never have to find out.
adb
December 21st, 2006 at 2:08 am [Reply]

Am I the only one utterly disturbed by the supposedly “cute” female dog in Luann this week?

Did Greg Evans lose his mind?

“Hmm…no idea what to do for December…hmm….haven’t really done a Puddles storyline before….Puddles….Christmas…. I think I have a plan.”
Uncle Lumpy
December 21st, 2006 at 2:16 am [Reply]

Sunshine and flowers:

I really like the artwork in Rex Morgan today – check out Robert DeNiro Rex in frame 2, and chastised June in 3. There, there, June!

There’s always been a little self-parody in Phantom, but I think it’s been on the increase – Josh highlighted the “Next:” box, and the banter between ol’ stripey and the secretary/mom today is pretty funny in context.

I like the artwork in 9 Chickweed Lane – guy does a lot with a line, plays with the borders, even gives us chiaroscuro in the daily paper, fer Chrissake. Hey, he’s working it, Chris Browne! But what the hell is it with all this yak yak yak yak yak?

OK – sunshine but maybe no flowers on the last one.
Mushuweasel
December 21st, 2006 at 2:19 am [Reply]

Is “work on that pivot” anything like the classic one finger “sit-n-spin” salute?
Mibbitmaker
December 21st, 2006 at 2:19 am [Reply]

Above:

A3G (refering to Margo, not Josh): ‘T’ain’t funny, Magee! (Hell, I wouldn’t get my reference if it didn’t appear in really old Looney Tunes cartoons)

Luann: “List Room”, huh? They had to fire the elf that accidently scanned Earl Hickey’s list, then Schindler’s List, then Nixon’s Enemies List.
Bobâ€™s your uncle
December 21st, 2006 at 2:27 am [Reply]

(MT) Normally, when it comes to a story on Beavers, I’m all over it. I just don’t understand the hostility this exceedingly boring plotline creates within me.
Anonymous
December 21st, 2006 at 2:29 am [Reply]

I am SO missing the point here – isn’t Luann the thingy with Brad and Dirk and Luann? Isn’t this talking dog kind of an abrupt shift in the fabric of the narrative and all that? I remember Brad transforming into a firetruck with big eyes once, but it got better. This is like a whole other comic strip. One that blows worse than Luann.

Disirregardlessly, WTF is Santa trying to say here? The female mailman is tossing him a dog biscuit. There’s one form of gift that’s not in a pretty package, yes, but it isn’t from Santa either. Then there’s the big howdy he’s getting from cowgirl on the right, also not in a pretty package, unless we want to get frisky which we certainly don’t if we’re hosting a cutesy talking dog. Then there’s Leo, who is handing Puddles… what? A towel to clean up after himself? A good bet, since in my experience dogs are named Puddles for a very specific reason.

So Santa doesn’t give gifts to anyone who has ever recieved a gift from someone else? I’d expect a strategy like that to do wonders for Santa’s bottom line. But it’s a definite harsh on the old Christmas mello.
The Bitter Wolf
December 21st, 2006 at 2:31 am [Reply]

(DT)GT – I can’t tell the characters apart in this comic. Sometimes (re: most times.. ok all the time) I confuse the sexes of the characters. Newsflash: Who cares? The plot ain’t that interesting. Can I coin the term “Mock Fodder”?
Proteus
December 21st, 2006 at 2:35 am [Reply]

Sorry, that was me in #24. Didn’t mean to be anon. Plus I obviously meant to say “UNdisirreguardlessly.”
Mibbitmaker
December 21st, 2006 at 2:35 am [Reply]

12/21:

FOOB: Now, as an artist, I seriously want to sympathize with Michael, here. But, for that potboiler that even Snoopy wouldn’t dare write? Nuh-uh! And, Mikey? You went crazy as soon as you started writing that sludge.

A3G: Uh-oh; now it’s A3G’s turn to go all FW on us. C’mon, guys, FOOB’s not finished with that yet!

Mutts: Earl, I love your strip (when it’s not all preachy), but you, sir, are no Olive the Other Reindeer!

FC: “Bells on bobtails ring,
Making spareribs bright…”
Stupid kid can’t even get
The freakin’ lyrics right!…

H&L: Jeez, that Suzie Derkins can’t get a break, can she?
I,Blatherscythe
December 21st, 2006 at 3:06 am [Reply]

Beetle Bailey – Geez that was tough, All it took was a phrase about “Lying down” and one panel later were inside Miss Buxley’s apartment. Damn,what a hosebag!! I’m only shocked that she doesn’t have a condom machine in her living room. Mayhaps she should give the good general a bootycall and have him bring his “wood”.

Apartment 3-G – Ahhh shucks here are on the winter holiday and Margo is in a fit of self pity..Maybe if your didn’t get your hair styled at the same barber shop as Dick Tracy villain Flattop, the fellas might just stick around.

Gil Thorpe – Uh uh, looks like Lisa Wyche has a meddling mom who wants to live a fantasy life through her. Welcome to the world of growth hormones and forced steroid injections young lady.

Luann – Oh Wonderful, Santa has a global surveillance monitor. Now I’ll be sorry for knocking over those liquor stores….
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
December 21st, 2006 at 3:08 am [Reply]

22. By a strange coincidence, while I was on my way to work today I was listening to “Fibber McGee” on the radio.
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
December 21st, 2006 at 3:13 am [Reply]

Pluggers can’t tell when the drugstore gives them somebody else’s photos.

Or should it be Pluggers use film cameras?

My suggestion would be “Pluggers take their digital cameras to the drugstore and have them print out all the pictures. Then they put the memory card in a shoebox and buy a new one”.
Hippocrass
December 21st, 2006 at 3:36 am [Reply]

Why is puddles holding the hand of Sister Bear from the Berenstain Bears in the first panel there?
Ubiq
December 21st, 2006 at 3:41 am [Reply]

Santa: See, Puddles? Material things are worth far less than friendship as you couldn’t have made the journey without these people!

Puddles: But aren’t bones and scarves material things? Wouldn’t I have froze to death without the scarf? Wouldn’t I have starved without the bones? Even the help that last lady gave me depended on her using a truck, which is a material thing! People are nice and so is friendship, but products that we give as presents make our lives easier and more pleasant!

Santa: Yes, but… but… you see… uh… Get the hell out of my workshop!
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
December 21st, 2006 at 3:49 am [Reply]

FOOB: Here’s a real writer who lost her manuscript in a fire. And if Michael could write half as well as she does, he’d be doing well.

Her description. Review.

Michael would also be well-advised to heed the advice of famous blues singer B.B.King, who named his guitar “Lucille” as a reminder never to be so stupid as to try to rescue his guitar in a fire. (More details you-know-where.)

Only a few feet from where I am sitting there lies a flash drive on which can be found a novel written by a friend of mine. So if his apartment were to catch fire, he’d be okay, manuscript-wise. I’m haven’t started to read it yet. (He’s bribing me by giving me a free flash drive.)
Archie
December 21st, 2006 at 3:56 am [Reply]

FBOFW: –a-a-a-a-h-h-h-!! The winning bets are beginning to be revealed: Michael is actually starting to run up the stairs to the attic because the fool left his manuscript there!! What a T-O-O-L!! Next thing he’ll confess it was for that stupid “action figure” that symbolizes the loserdom he lives, good ol’ NED.

The guy and the strip have become simply stupid.

How about one more twist – parents and sister come to see the fire burn burn burn, but then Elly sees handsome fireman WITH mustache, and realizes Granthony is a wimp, so she introduces fireman to Liz, who starts to explain she has a policeman boyfriend back up north, as the fireman just smiles at her inanity.
Sjofn
December 21st, 2006 at 4:05 am [Reply]

ohmygodohmygod, Margo really is going all Aldo on us.

MARGO NO YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO … er. Well, live anyway. For me!
AnotherReader
December 21st, 2006 at 4:07 am [Reply]

BeetleBailey: I can not get over the idea miss buxley chose beetle. It’s just absurd, like when a sitcom after a few years needs to get something going and adds a child, or a couple that NEVER was really connected suddenly falls in love and gets married. Bull.

But at least there is one scene I look forward to now:

Panel 1: General Halftrack standing in his office, playing his putter, looking lecherously over at jiggly, miniskirted Miss Buxley in the next room, and meanwhile Beetle mopping the floor around him.

Panel 2: Beetle takes a photo of Halftrack’s wife off of the desk, shows it to Halftrack and says “Sir, this is your wife. Miss Buxley over there? I’m doin her…. Nitely”

Panel3: Same as Panel 1, only Halftrack’s expression is frozen shock as well on the verge of tears. Beetle is smiling to himself.
Robert Whitaker Sirignano
December 21st, 2006 at 4:35 am [Reply]

perhaps Beetle Baily suffers from Chronic fatigue syndrome and Narcolepsy….

…if you’re in the Army for 50 plus years and haven’t been promoted, and still cleaning trash cans…

…there might be an underlying reason. He’s almost 70, and can’t stay awake.

Might be a MAD magazine style article “if they were their real age”, in all of this, and General Halftrack would be dead…

Pluggers still use the Kodak Brownie camera they got at their 10th birthday party.

Pluggers do not evolve.
goaty
December 21st, 2006 at 4:38 am [Reply]

Judge Parker: Okay, I know it is a substitute artist… but who the heck is he trying to draw in today’s panel? Neddy? Is it that difficult just to get the right hair color… as in black? I mean…. he’s not even close here. Or maybe this is yet another new random character…. I’m gonna go drink with Magee!
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
December 21st, 2006 at 4:42 am [Reply]

Could it be that who should show up at the fire but Brad de Groot, and his heroic deeds result in him forgetting Toni ~~Indianapolis~~ Daytona and hooking up with Deanna or maybe Lizardbreath? Since Brewster Rockit is featuring Ensign Linus this week, maybe it’s a good time for crossovers.
Cafangdra
December 21st, 2006 at 4:58 am [Reply]

Well, looks like it’s time for Michael McFoob to take himself out of the gene pool. Finally. And his manuscript, too.

Wow.

Orphan your children, widow your wife, leave your parents and friends devestated–condemn yourself to a terrible death–but die with the satisfaction and peace of mind that can only come from such a selfless act of heroism.

Seriously, though, is Lynn Johnson on crank? She has Michael work for one thousand years on that stupid book then…this? Has she sold her soul to Funky Winkerbean? This is just ghastly.
deeeeeeeeelightful
December 21st, 2006 at 5:09 am [Reply]

I just have one thing to say
“Magee”?
Uncle Lumpy
December 21st, 2006 at 5:10 am [Reply]

FOOB – Michael’s not gonna die. He’s gonna prove himself noble. That’s what Pattersons do. Faces a difficult choice, blah, blah, does the right thing, blah blah. Probably he saves Lovey so we get treated to her view on how noble he is. If Lovey were younger, we would get to see Michael’s Fatlips o’ LoveÂ®.

He could save a Kelpfroth for extra nobility points, but then we wouldn’t get to hear about it. And that’s no good! Why demonstrate something when you can make somebody describe it? That’s the founding principle of Gil Thorp, and what makes Michael such a great novelist.

Then he’s gonna look all self-effacing and cow-eyed in the last panel, and stun us all with the depth of his noble observation.

And we’re all gonna retch.
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
December 21st, 2006 at 5:11 am [Reply]

Slylock Fox:
REFLOW (stream is recycled water)
MRS. OW! (dominatrix–business card in pocket)
COLD US (temperature is 15 degrees F)
MOKES (19th century slang for horses–inside tent)
COOR CAN (everyone likes to drink insipid beer while fishing)
GLASS SUN, SE (Check correct angle for solstice a la Newgrange)
deeeeeeeeelightful
December 21st, 2006 at 5:14 am [Reply]

Donald The Anarchist: Thats perhaps the greatest musing on luanne there is, or ever will be…..
On another note, I had a dream I recieved Molly the bear as a wedding gift. She ate alot and their was no money to feed her, and so we had to give her left over ketchup and mustard packets we found in the cupboards and hope she made meals out of strays cats we don’t like and didn’t maul neighbors. It was such a good dream.
yellojkt
December 21st, 2006 at 6:05 am [Reply]

Bi-Polar Magee is twice as much fun as Finger Quotin’ Margo!! She wants to die from merriment! What a way to go!!
Liam Dillon
December 21st, 2006 at 6:24 am [Reply]

If Margo starts muttering about nice, tasty fishses I’m going to start to worry. She seems well on the way…
goaty
December 21st, 2006 at 6:55 am [Reply]

Is it wrong that I kind of hope St. Michael Patterson dies? Even knowing that I’d doom all of us to weeks and months of platitudes and sermons on his saintliness…..

I hope he trips and falls….
Merriedeath
December 21st, 2006 at 7:11 am [Reply]

This is the only time I will ever enjoy fborfw.com’s Foobimation. Nothing really says Sheer Uncomprehending Terror like a frozen, blinking girl-child.
jake
December 21st, 2006 at 7:15 am [Reply]

Foob: well, Farley saved april…looks like it’s time for the new dog to do his brave duty and take one for the whiney, stupid, patterson team. (or maybe the rabbit can step up this time?)

seriously, mikey doesn’t have a gmail account? and wasn’t he HOLDING THE MANUSCRIPT IN HIS HANDS two seconds before he smelled the smoke?! man, he deserves to lose that thing.
Ham Gravy
December 21st, 2006 at 7:25 am [Reply]

today’s ginormous squirrel looks very very familiar
goaty
December 21st, 2006 at 7:27 am [Reply]

y’know… in retrospect I liked Farley a lot more than April. Don’t suppose we can swap now….
Ham Gravy
December 21st, 2006 at 7:28 am [Reply]

Today’s ginourmous squirrel: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mark.asp?date=20061221
Dec 8th’s ginormous squirrel: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mark.asp?date=20061208
jvwalt
December 21st, 2006 at 7:29 am [Reply]

#17: Beetle Bailey used to have a longtime girlfriend who I think lived in Beetle’s old home town, so their interactions were plausibly infrequent. I believe she was a brunette, and there were occasional jokes about her parents disapproving of Beetle, God only knows why. But those were the halcyon years of Mort Walker. The current “creative” team has stripped away several of the fringe characters, leaving Miss Buxley the ghastly double-duty of being the occasional object of Beetle’s affections AND the unattainable object of General Halftrack’s Viagra-fueled reveries.

Gil Thorp is almost impenetrable for casual readers because (a) they bring back seasonal characters from year to year (Lisa Wyche was a minor fixture in last winter’s plot), and (b) the writer does a really bad job of keeping the continuity simple. He seems to think that GT readers will have a glossary and index handy at all times, and take notes every day for their own edification.

Dick Tracy, on the other hand, keeps things at the “reader is an idiot” level. Words cannot describe my contempt for this plotline. Global tycoon Diet Smith hires a mad scientist without doing any background checks; said scientist invents a very dangerous thought-control-and-erasure device; he decides to use it on a square-jawed cop rather than, say, his politically powerful billionaire boss; he stumbles upon Tess’ inheritance and decides to steal five million bucks instead of plotting world domination, which was presumably his original intention; and now we’re wrapping this whole thing up with a fistfight??? This is so painfully bad. No wonder serial strips are a dying breed. There’s room in the marketplace for quality serials — there just aren’t any of them around today.
Vrej
December 21st, 2006 at 7:36 am [Reply]

A little off-topic, but has anyone gone to the FBOFW website to read the strips? They are animated…slightly. The characters actually blink;it’s odd and terrifying, all at once. These people, trapped in their drawing with their eyes flashing shut for an instant, makes them seem partially self-aware and as if they are desperately trying to escape. I half expect Mike to say “Oil can…”.
ZacWilliam
December 21st, 2006 at 7:56 am [Reply]

Not that “The Saga of Lucky the Beaver” isn’t already a great work of literature in it’s own right, but I realized today that what it was missing, to make it the Epic it truly cries out to be, was a little touch of Prince Valiant and Lord of the Rings.
Here’s the result:

http://hometown.aol.com/zacwilliam1/images/marktrail.gif

Sadly, I’m now seriously considering going back and rendering the saga of Bar’ak and Mara in full…
mcmc
December 21st, 2006 at 8:01 am [Reply]

Man, Rex and June get my vote for loathsome comic couple of the year. What a pair of little bitches. “Hey, we’re upper middle class, June, we don’t go where the poor folks live! Of course, Niki has to live where big ol’ Rex is afraid to go, but that’s no excuse! He should be off the streets! In the Big House! Getting raped! Wait, I mean…”
Squawk
December 21st, 2006 at 8:24 am [Reply]

BB: What’s up with Miss Buxley’s black lipstick? Is she a goth?

Luann: Never in a million years did I imagine that Santa had a special room for storing his lists — called, helpfully, the List Room — nor would I have expected the portal to such a room be an doorless arch lined with circus lights.
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 8:28 am [Reply]

FC Obviously it would take more than spareribs to make Dolly bright. Hell, an entire COW wouldn’t make this child right.

JP Right now, all I want for Christmas is a decent artist for the Judge & company.

RMMD Rex baby, if you had only seen the come-hither looks she was giving Niki, not to mention the demands to “paint her garage”, you wouldn’t have to ask what she was thinking.
But June’s a heterosexual, so maybe you wouldn’t get her point after all.

Luann Puddles patronizes Santa. Don’t think for a minute that’s going to work, Doggy Doo. Santa’s going to make you his bitch, just wait and see.

Phantom And the fight is still going on! Who do these people think they are, Rocky Freakin’ Balboa?!?

Margo is going to take the traditional Aldo route by boozing herself to death over a love gone wrong. You go, girl, and instead of a canyon you might try driving off the top floor of a parking deck. When in NYC….
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 8:32 am [Reply]

BB Just say it, Walker boys: Beetle is Gay. Don’t ask, don’t tell, and don’t bother to invite him in to “sit” for a while.
Man, I really thought Our Boy was going to finally get lucky after all these years, but I guess kneeling beneath Sarge’s desk all day wears a fellow out.
So why won’t Miss Buxley give up and invite in Killer? The man’s so horny his hat tip wiggles.
Miss Buxley: The Unluckiest Camp Follower in History.
Justafoob
December 21st, 2006 at 8:32 am [Reply]

Mike will live but **sniff** shhhalayladylay will die.

It will be a case of the lost manuscript.

His major opus up in flames.

The world will never know the genius of Mike Patterson.

***WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!***
scuppers
December 21st, 2006 at 8:32 am [Reply]

#52 Ham Gravy — I like ginormous squirrel’s look of astonishment; it works in every sequence.

check it out today. See his squirrelly jaw all dropped and whatnot? ’cause those busy beavers made a tree go splash in the stream! Wow!
scuppers
December 21st, 2006 at 8:35 am [Reply]

and I also love June’s look of contrition this morning … She’s been a bad girl and she knows it. Somebody’s gonna get a whippin’ and I hope we all get to watch.
Ryan
December 21st, 2006 at 8:40 am [Reply]

Luann is clearly running out of ideas. Seriously, they have everyone a clumsy, sexless relationship that was totally unfulfilling, and miraculously, it ran out of storylines, so what does Greg Evans do? He pairs the DOG with a poodle it will never have sex with. Who’s the next match? Mrs. Horner?
athena
December 21st, 2006 at 8:51 am [Reply]

FOOB: I actually dreamed last night that I was taking a class on cartooning taught by Lynn J., and that when she showed us the denoument of this story line, with St. Michael watching his manuscript go up in flames, then looking around at his family and realizing just how gosh-darn lucky he really is, I started laughing uncontrollably. Lynn confronted me, all blazing eyes and pouty lips, and I went off on how o writer completes a manuscript by tapping out the last few words and then saying, Woo-hoo, I’m finished (we writers revise A LOT, and even after we ship the mss. to our agent we wonder if we gave it up too early) and that if Grandpa regains his power of speech at Christmas while gathered at the Patterson home with all the kids safe and sound and back under the familial roof, blah blah blah, then she’s totally lost it.

And then somehow Lynn made me give all my spare change to charity and got all huffy when I asked which charity the money was going to, as I don’t support the Salvation Army.

I know: I’m pathetic.
John C Fremont
December 21st, 2006 at 8:53 am [Reply]

JP – I just hope our guest artist leaves before Abbey and Neddy get to Paris. I’ve really been looking forward to watching them try on more skimpy outfits. Is that wrong?
Sean-o
December 21st, 2006 at 8:54 am [Reply]

Luann: so a naked dog (called “Pud” by her owner) is “holding hands” (paws?) with a hideously deformed dog wearing a dress? Did someone put DMT in Eveans’ eggnog?

FOOB: I thought Weed lived upstairs? Call him on his cell and tell him to bring the goddam manuscript down! Unless the “roasting log” of his namesake’s good greenery started the blaze in the first place. I do agree, however, that SOMEONE should die out of all this, whether Lovey, the Kelpforks or the hideous abomination of a novel. Perhaps it will acquire the legendary cachet of Brian Wilson’s “fire tapes”…
Blynneda
December 21st, 2006 at 8:56 am [Reply]

Foob: Aww. It looks like Mike will go up in flames with his baby–no, not his child, but his story, which apparently required no editing before being ready to ship out to the publisher. At least this solves Lizardbreath’s dilemma: once Deanna moves the kids in with the senior Patterson clan, Liz and Deanna will realize their simmering lust for each other (okay, this is Foob, so love), then marry in a tasteful ceremony. Gay marriage is legal in Canada, right? Then Lawrence can come back, marry his partner, and everyone can remember Michael fondly, except the part where he stupidly died trying to save a piece of crap manuscript. Fade to black, no more Foob.
Alan Vanneman
December 21st, 2006 at 8:58 am [Reply]

Instead of making fun of Lisa, how about working on your own damn pivot? It’s about fucking time!
teapot37
December 21st, 2006 at 9:05 am [Reply]

The new character in Gil Thorp, Rick Bozich, has borrowed the name of one of the sports columnists from the Louisville Courier-Journal. I wonder how many other names have been so appropriated.
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 9:10 am [Reply]

Happy Birthday, Gadge Cubic!

Also: I just about had a cardiac infarction AND a fit of apoplexy at 6:30 this morning while reading the continuing adventures of the Foobs. Deanna, who may I remind you is in a BURNING BUILDING, said to her children: “We’re going back into our room!” And maybe there’s hope for little Meredith, who had the sense to ask why! Now, upon further inspection, it turned out there’s a fire escape in their room, and that’s where they were headed. But Deanna, for the love of all that is holy: NEVER NEVER give your children the impression that it’s a good idea to go back into their room in the event of a house fire! SAY “We’re going down the fire escape,” if that’s actually what you’re doing! AAAAAURRRGH!!

Okay. Seriously. I can’t help feeling sorry for those poor damned Foob kids; they didn’t ask to be born to Foobs. And now their mother teaches them to a) get fully dressed before escaping a house fire, and b) go back into your room when there’s a fire! Yes. Okay. Fire escape. But she still said “We’re going back into our room.” Dear, dear Lord.

And then my husband said, “Now that dog’s going to swoop down from heaven and rescue Michael!” And I spit coffee all over the paper, dangit.
altoids
December 21st, 2006 at 9:12 am [Reply]

ZacWilliam: hahahahaha! Thank you!
Calico
December 21st, 2006 at 9:14 am [Reply]

MT – check the sweet little beaver paw in the first panel. “Awwwwww” to the 1,000th power.
The large squirrel looks like the one I feed peanuts, who hangs off our back sliding door or gets right up to the glass, balls his little paws into fists and looks at us like we are incredibly dumb and inferior.
JP-why does Margo end her self-questioning with an exclamation point – maybe she really IS going to go Aldo? (!)
Lyman Returns
December 21st, 2006 at 9:15 am [Reply]

Phantom-Wouldn’t it be great if more politicians went around getting into fistfights? It would definitely increase C-SPAN’s ratings.

FW-I can’t believe this tool wants a wheelchair. You’re not the one going through labor, fool! Shut up and go back to your comic book store.

FBOFW-We’ve all expounded quite a bit on Michael’s lack of foresight in not e-mailing his manuscript somewhere, not having it stored on a handy CD or flash drive, and also not simply grabbing that paper copy that materialized on Tuesday. We’ve spoken of what a tool he is to hang around in the house dialing 911 when he could be racing out the door with a toddler under his arm. It today’s strip, it actually gets worse. Rather than see to the safety of his wife and children, not to mention his downstairs neighbors and his landlord, Mike races into the attic to get his manuscript instead.

Lynn Johnson apparently doesn’t know squat about the following:

Relationships-Observed in the whole ‘Anthony-Paul-stupid Patterson parents nonsense we witnessed recently.

Reporting a crime-Going on the strip alone, Liz and Anthony didn’t go to the police at all regarding Howard Erk’s attempted rape of Liz. This whole trial thing just materialized out of nowhere much, much later.

Writing, revising, and backing up a novel-The much-discussed errors in Michael Patterson’s behavior we have witnessed this very week.

Escaping a burning building-Johnson apparently thinks its OK to take your time, put on your winter clothes, dial 911 while remaining in the house, not see to the safety of everyone in the building, and rush upstairs to get an item while the place fills with smoke.

What this all says about Johnson, well, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

On another note, Deanna appears to have scooped up some objects to take out of the inferno, in addition to her children (Why does SHE have to evacuate both children? Michael is such an incredible tool…like, a Black & Decker power tool). What do you suppose they are? Common sense is that they are wedding pictures or other irreplacable photos, and perhaps a case full of titles and other important documents. Again, that’s what common sense would tell you. Given the inanity of this strip, she’s probably grabbed a couple of books to read while the fire department puts out the blaze.

By the way, I think firefighters from across the Western World should descend on Lynn Johnson’s idyllic little studio and stage a huge protest on her utter incompetence in depicting in an international medium how to flee a burning building. And then they should send their dalmatians in to urinate on her studio. That would totally make my holiday season, yes it would.
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 9:17 am [Reply]

#4 Poteet – it looks as if Margo’s more apt to start warbling, “I promised myself to treat myself and visit a nearby tower…” She’s only STARTIN’ with champagne, friends!
Dennis Jimenez
December 21st, 2006 at 9:18 am [Reply]

Luann – Hey Santa – can you tune in the Kid Rock – Pamala Lee Anderson honeymoon in on this big screen?
LittleGuy
December 21st, 2006 at 9:19 am [Reply]

FOOB: Only a fool writes in a burning house.
King Folderol
December 21st, 2006 at 9:23 am [Reply]

#12 – Good point. I always thought Beetle was just lazy, but getting some trim from Miss Buxley isn’t exactly work, is it?

#16 – Happy birthday. It’s my birthday, too, yeah.

#17 – Yeah, this is a recent (and disturbing) development, which I’ve commented on in the past. There are other women in the strip, but apparently you have to look like a walking Barbie doll to get any male attention. I can understand why no one thinks Sgt. Lugg is attractive, but Miss Blips? I’m sure someone would be interested in her in real life.
Calico
December 21st, 2006 at 9:26 am [Reply]

#73 – “sheâ€™s probably grabbed a couple of books to read while the fire department puts out the blaze.”
Darn good thing I didn’t have a craw full of coffee reading that – I might’ve had to bill ya for a new flat screen! : )
Yes, indeedy, run back into the house. All of you.
BTW Liz seems to have shared the same computer
ineptitude that Michael has-if you recall she’s lost about forty e-mails to her cat jumping on her keyboard, as Liz never thinks to save the damn things first or to make a saved doc in Word or Wordpad, then copying and pasting into e-mail.
He’s an editor, she’s a teacher. That’s right.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 9:33 am [Reply]

Phantom: Ok, I’m officially tired of this fist fight between the President of Bangalla and Denton, the under-secretary of whatever. If the guy knowingly allowed hundreds of human beings to be sold into slavery, I think being hit by one guy is really too good for him. So is the fate of a previous villian “I’ll not hit you with the closed fist that you deserve, but an open hand” bitch slap. I think this under secretary should either be put into a slave labor camp himself, or, far easier, spoon fed some polonium 210 and electrocuted for five continuous days.

FC: What crap. Did it really take a full day to change one little word in a Christmas song? How about
O holy night/The cars are brightly shining
Santa’s paws are coming to town
O come, get your face full
It came upon a midnight beer
It’s beginning to look a lot like syphilis (thank you, John Valby).

#53 – jvwalt – I’ve also seen Buxley with Zero. Slut.
Old Fogeyette
December 21st, 2006 at 9:35 am [Reply]

Mark Trail is absolutely MAKING my holiday season. I LOVE the story of Theodore and his mate. Since I only started reading this strip with the advent of Molly, can someone tell me if it’s common for Elrod to go off on long animal stories?

And ZacWilliams, your dialogue cracked me up! More!
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
December 21st, 2006 at 9:36 am [Reply]

#33 Mr. O’Malley –

You’re keeping a backup of a friend of yours’s novel?
King Folderol
December 21st, 2006 at 9:42 am [Reply]

Having been through a house fire when I was 12, I’m going to go out on a limb and wanly defend the Patersons here.

Yes, going back into the house for the manuscript is dumb, and Deanna should tackle Mike, punch him in the kidneys, kick him in the Johnson or do anything it takes to keep him from going back into that house.

However, some of the stupid things they’re doing (putting winter coats on, dialing 911 from the house) are textbook reactions to a crisis. Different people react in different ways and your brain isn’t often functioning properly or logically.

The grabbing of possessions is textbook. People who have been through a traumatic evacuation often notice, after the fact, that they have grabbed a bunch of stuff. Sometimes these things are important, but other times they are odd knick-knacks that aren’t important at all.

Having said all that, I still hate this storyline. Michael’s running back into the house does say very little about his character.
Saxman
December 21st, 2006 at 9:42 am [Reply]

Phantom

My new hero is the Under-secretary of Slavery’s secretary. I especially like her glasses. I’ve seen dark glasses and reflective glasses, and green tinted glasses and even rose colored glasses. But how do they manage those white tinted glasses? I want some!
Koomaster
December 21st, 2006 at 9:44 am [Reply]

Yowzer Vrej, just noticed the blinking eyes on the website. Does she do that to all the strips, I’ve never noticed it before but it is beyond creepy.

And exactly how many sins of escaping a fire have these people commited already; and now Michael is going back inside and upstairs to the attic no less?

I also have to mirror complaints about him not having an internet back-up of this great work of his. Heck, when I was in college I would e-mail and re-e-mail reports/papers/homework to myself all the time just incase something went wrong with my computer. I could always go to a computer lab on campus and pull it all up later in that event – or even just for convenience sake, work on it without going back to my apartment.

If he’s not gonna use the technology available to him, he might as well be scribbling out his masterpiece with a pencil and paper – being sure to place completed pages by an open window on windy days.
King Folderol
December 21st, 2006 at 9:48 am [Reply]

A3G – Margo does this every year. Last year she was saved from a falling beam by a homeless guy, thought about the ramifications of being a bitch for 2 weeks and then went back to being a bitch. If Margo is examining her life in an incredibly overdramatic way, then we all know that Santa must be near.

GT (DT) – Is there a fully-sized gynasium at Lisa Wyche’s house where the girls are going to work on the pivot, or is “working on the pivot” some kind of lesbian code words that I’m not hep to?
juggernaut
December 21st, 2006 at 9:52 am [Reply]

GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST!!!! What the freakin’ hell is up w/ the uber-close up in 12/21’s Gil Thorp? It’s hard enough telling these freaks apart from a distance!
Ianscot
December 21st, 2006 at 9:52 am [Reply]

Johnny Hart alcoholism watch, Thursday 12/21/06 B.C.:

Jack Daniels (with an apostrophe?) is Santa’s drink of choice, and he’ll need to drink it to stomach the fruitcake.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 9:55 am [Reply]

King Fol: Happy birthday! Did you get my package?

Foobs: Bil Keane was so chastised once for an ill advised comic that he issued an apology a few weeks later. The comic had some stock picture of Billy saying that he was going to leave his valuables by the door so they’d be easy to get in case of a fire. What valuables? A basebally glove and a life-size inflatable Dolly? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. And, considering that this moron-mellon-headed midget takes six hours of dotted lines around the neighborhood before finding his own mailbox, in the event of a fire, I’d say that they might need dental records to identify him. But anyway, Bil admitted his error, and drew a comic in which Billy sent him into the corner. Of course that doesn’t make sense, since it was Billy who made the irresponsible suggestion in the first place, not Bil. Nevertheless, the message is that YOU SHOULD NOT RUN INTO OR REMAIN WITHIN A BURNING BUILDING.

Cool but impossible for Lynn Johnston to consider ending for this story line: Kelpfroth saves St. Michael who is passed out from smoke inhalation. All the years of acclimating himself via his daily 20 Cuban cigar habit (they’re legal in Canada) have finally paid off.
Tedlick
December 21st, 2006 at 9:55 am [Reply]

I’ve noticed a few interesting “phone it in for the holidays” tactics this year (my first year getting back into daily funnies, so forgive me if this observation has been exhausted before)–

1. Foxtrot– an entire week of the same 2 shapes, panel after panel.
2. Crankshaft– an entire week of observing there are too many plow truck reflectors in the driveway.
3. Mallard Drinkmore– channels TDIET for the entire month; only has to draw 1/6th of the single panel strip for a given ‘observation’…

Guessing from the lead time, these were drawn around Thanksgiving week, right? Looking forward to mid-January’s riveting storylines.

On another note, some strips have been doing a nice job of the holidays. Red & Rover has been innocently charming, Baby Blues has had an interesting break from reality, and Mary Worth amusingly forgoes Santa Claus for condominium sub-Clauses…
Allie Cat
December 21st, 2006 at 9:57 am [Reply]

FOOB: I had to take a friend to the airport this morning at 5AM. Sleep starved though I am, I made a point to get up a few minutes early to see if Michael was going to run back and get his pwecious manuscwipt.

It was totally worth it.

FW – So far, this trip to the hospital has been less than madcap. My latest prediction is that the newest Winkerbean will be born on either Christmas Eve or Day and will get a cutesy name like “Eve”, Joy”, “Holly”, “Noel”, or if I get my wish “Eggnog”. Eggnog Winkerbean.
Randy
December 21st, 2006 at 9:58 am [Reply]

GT–Does “Wyche” equal, in some subtle-as-a-ton-of-bricks way, “Witch”? Is this a commentary on the evil harpies who insist on participating in athletics, depriving young males of the resources needed to develop good, manly characters? .
The Photocopiest
December 21st, 2006 at 10:00 am [Reply]

Prediction for FOOB: Anthony saves Michael, who then also falls in love with him. Parents aren’t sure who to root for.
Tak, the Hideous New Girl
December 21st, 2006 at 10:00 am [Reply]

FOOB: OMFG. What I think will happen is that Michael will be overcome by smoke, and will have to be carried out of the apartment in the arms of a young, studly firefighter.

Deanna will see this and finally realize she’s married to a useless, pretentious tool and run off with Studly Firefighter.
Concerned Citizen
December 21st, 2006 at 10:01 am [Reply]

Oh, Wyche Wyche heh heh I get it! I love what’s-his-name-cartoonist-who-must-have-slammed-his-hand-in-a-car-door’s astonishing sense of the understated.

BB – Glad that Beetle’s narcolepsy will not let him reproduce. Too bad that his sister wasn’t similarly afflicted.

A3G – I’m here for you Margo. Give me some of that special Christmas discipline.
Leo
December 21st, 2006 at 10:02 am [Reply]

Why is “Leo” always an old bald guy? Why!?
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 10:04 am [Reply]

No one yet has commented on the fact that in panel 1 of the above BB there is half a car on the street. Well, that’s actually understandable, as the cars are of 1960’s vintage, and they are not parked on the street, but rather in a scrapyard which Ms. Buxley happens to live next door to.
TaxiGirl
December 21st, 2006 at 10:05 am [Reply]

Oh, wow. Oh wow oh wow oh wow. If Michael Patterson were to die in a fire, this would be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 10:07 am [Reply]

Funky: “Have you got another one of those?”
“Clipboards? Stethescopes? Sure we’ve got hundreds.”
Michael
December 21st, 2006 at 10:08 am [Reply]

Uncle Lumpy: I like the artwork in 9 Chickweed Lane - guy does a lot with a line, plays with the borders, even gives us chiaroscuro in the daily paper, fer Chrissake. Hey, heâ€™s working it, Chris Browne! But what the hell is it with all this yak yak yak yak yak?

How else are we, mere mortals, supposed to understand the perfection of 9CL characters? I mean, always to have to show your characters as the smartest, most talented, most upstanding, toughest, and fairest, and to have a roguish twinkle and an appropriate and elegant bit of snark always at the ready? Tough gig, tougher if the plebes you’re writing for won’t stop and gaze adoringly at your characters on demand. McEldowney, I believe, makes his ink from ground-up Foob anthologies, black pearls, and tears of joy from the smallest angels; Edda and Amos demand it.

Plus Dick Cheney thinks he’s an alien, and that’s sometimes amusing.
cheech wizard
December 21st, 2006 at 10:08 am [Reply]

A3G – Shouldn’t that be – Why am I such a “fool” ?
HammerGirl
December 21st, 2006 at 10:16 am [Reply]

69 – teapot 37 – Wow…I live in Louisville and I didn’t even get to the end of your comment before I started thinking, “wha…the guy from the sports page is in GT?”

Dammit, now I have to start worrying that all of Louisville is really GT. Have I actually been living in a badly-drawn-crazy-lettered-parallel universe my whole life? It’s too early for this kind of heart stopping terror.
Passerby
December 21st, 2006 at 10:18 am [Reply]

All I know is that I went into a fit on uncontrollable laughter upon reading the first panel of “Gil Thorp.”
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 10:19 am [Reply]

Today

Margo carries on a conversation with a shop keeper without a single exclamation point. The deficit is made up, though, by the double exclamation points in panels 1 and 4, thus restoring balance to the Force. Any way you slice it, I look forward to a drunken Margo tirade this Christmas season.

BB: Killer Diller is apparently steamed at the Pentagon for sending him into battle with WWII vintage equipment.

Blondie: People on the street are shocked to see such a strange looking man driving such a strange looking car. Oh, and out of their view, on the front seat is a small package of something with the seat belt on. Would this comic have been funny if it didn’t feature the onlookers? Yes, only for its complete avoidance of any ostensible punch line. Was it funny with the waves of shock and awe of these pedestrians? No, except for the absurdity of the fact that someone made money by submitting it as a finished work product intended to be funny. Actually, that’s not funny – that’s just plain sad.
comicsn00b
December 21st, 2006 at 10:40 am [Reply]

FW: Have you got another one of those?

Unbeliveably annoying last-panel smirks?

A3G: Let’s start with champagne

Liquor then champagne, feel no pain
Champagne then liquor, drive off a cliff quicker!
MaryAnnTheRest
December 21st, 2006 at 10:45 am [Reply]

#25: I am so stealing “mock fodder.” I don’t know if you coined it, but it’s mine now.

Uncle Lumpy already deserves another COTW for the Founding Principle of Gil Thorpe. Although so does yellokjt, Bipolar Margo IS twice as much fun.

I wish so much that Michael would get his comeuppance a la Judith Regan, but you know he won’t. I like to imagine that the books in Deanna’s hands are examples she’s culled for him. “Look, this is a real novel! It has a plot! And very few adverbs! Nobody ‘exclaims’ anything! And you went back in and saved that piece of crap while I had to deal with two hysterical children. God I wish they weren’t yours!”
cheech wizard
December 21st, 2006 at 10:53 am [Reply]

FOOB – The fire wasn’t started by Kleptforth’s cigar, but by the howling mob of outraged, torch-bearing Curmudgeonites who’d seen the galleys of Mike’s hideous novel on the FOOB web site. Deanna and the kids try to flee the inferno, but are driven back up the stairs by the mob’s pitchforks and torches.

The next day, Dentist John must be brought in to identify his family members by their teeth. Michael is found clutching the remains of his manuscriprt in one hand and a small, shit-stained lump of melted plastic in the other. The autopsy reveals he died before the flames reached him, beaten to death by his pissed-off wife and children for bringing this upon them with his crappy novel.
bubujin
December 21st, 2006 at 10:55 am [Reply]

#53 – jvwalt and any others curious to know:

The name of BB’s long-time and apparently former girlfriend was Bunny. Why they are no longer an item I cannot say. Perhaps she caught Beetle engaged in a three way with Miss Buxley and Sarge.
Anonymous
December 21st, 2006 at 10:56 am [Reply]

(DT)GT –

“I covered for Rick during Soccer season, he knows it’s his turn to carry the ball”

Umm, what kind of soccer does Milford play? You’re not allowed to carry the ball, except for the goalie.

BTW, the second panel looks like she’s taking a hit off a bong. I guess you need that if you’re a Gil Thorp charactor…
Smurfette
December 21st, 2006 at 11:02 am [Reply]

If the foobiverse were just, ~~Commodore Patterson~~Michael would disappear off the face of the earth, and we’d find him three years later passed out drunk in a~~pigsty in a~~ bar in ~~Tortuga~~ Downtown Toronto and he’d ~~become a pirate.~~ become extremely awesome. But then again, the foobiverse is ~~nothing like Pirates of the Carribean~~ not just. And so we know Michael is going to survive, only to continue spiraling downwards in the most whitebread, pathetic way possible.
Allie Cat
December 21st, 2006 at 11:02 am [Reply]

A3G – Margo’s package was bulging? Well, that may explain a lot of the mood swings… give the (wo)man her estrogen patch, pronto!
Dingo
December 21st, 2006 at 11:06 am [Reply]

In the universe of Foobville, am I allowed to place my bet on the smoke? I love how the billowing smoke moves across the panels like the fingers of death in Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments. They’ll get the Kelpfroths, they’ll get Lovey, they may even get that damned manuscript (please!) but God looks over his chosen ones: the Pattersons.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
December 21st, 2006 at 11:11 am [Reply]

#87 — As a mathematician, proofreader, and class 1 pedant, I will point out that “Jack Daniel’s” with the apostrophe is actually correct, as the whiskey is named after a gentleman known as Jack Daniel.

Given all the little things Johnny Hart gets wrong — the myriad of ways in which he shows himself to be a little “off” or out of touch — I think it’s very telling that he knows exactly the correct typography and punctuation for writing about Jack Daniel’s.
Squawk
December 21st, 2006 at 11:21 am [Reply]

FW: Have you got another one of those?

Another one-armed pregnant lady who looks like she’s trying to squeeze out a turd? Sure, we’re stocked to the gills.
Lucyâ€™s Spunk
December 21st, 2006 at 11:26 am [Reply]

FC: If Bil and Jeff are going to steal ideas from commercials, it should at least be good ones. The Volvo commercial with those off-key brats makes me want to throw a shoe through the screen every time I see it.

Foob: Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is for Mikey and his manuscript to be charbroiled. Thank you.

GF: Wow, I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ve ever seen Satchel so pissed. Goes to show even goofy dogs have their breaking point.

Luann: Damn, this Puddles story arc has been 20 kinds of lame.

MT: Glad Iâ€™m not the only one feeling a sense of dread that Theodoreâ€™s happiness is going to be short lived. Câ€™mon Elrod, let someone live happily ever after for a change.

Phantom: Everybody knows itâ€™s not a real brawl until the chairs start flying across the room, so letâ€™s get on with it!
Dingo
December 21st, 2006 at 11:29 am [Reply]

I would like to wish Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener the happiest of birthdays. May your wife perform a footnote 220 on you. Hell, may half of Milwaukee perform a footnote 220 on you!

In other news, I’ve decided to leave Wal*Mart and live off of my savings while searching for a job in my field. About the only thing lower than overnight stocker at Wal*Mart would be publisher of Michael Patterson’s novel and that would NEVAH! happen. So, Gadge Cubic, if a guy with gray hair shows up offering to shovel your walk and give you a footnote 220…
Loppie Scaduto
December 21st, 2006 at 11:29 am [Reply]

RMMD: I am so disappointed with today’s strip. After yesterday’s wagging finger, and the hand to the cheek the day before… I really thought that today Rex was gonna give us jazz hands.
Justafoob
December 21st, 2006 at 11:33 am [Reply]

I had a vision,

Gwampah and Iris are going to be driving by the apartment building when they see it engulfed in flames.

Harkening back to his days in the Army, Gwampah rushes in and pulls Mike to safety, along with the Shileleeismymistriss manuscript.

Unfortunately, it will put a great strain on Gwampah’s frail heart and he will pass on to the great Foobland in the sky.

But, the tree out front of the apartment building will remain and be hence forth known as Gwamph’s tree. And on special days, you will be able to see the old chin-nuts himself in the drawing of the tree.

Hey, it worked once for Lynn, why not go back to the well one more time. . .
Abbey the Wonderdog
December 21st, 2006 at 11:36 am [Reply]

Man, all June has to tell Rex is that she took me with her for protection.

Rex should be more concerned that Widdle Sawah has not eaten in weeks and is becoming sick.

Or not.

Bark! Bark! Bark!
treedweller
December 21st, 2006 at 11:39 am [Reply]

A3G: “I hate that crumb Eric!”
“Oh, he just gave me what I deserve!”
“No, he’s a cad and I am better off without him.”
“If that were true, he wouldn’t have left. Gollum! Gollum!”

META-FOOB: It finally dawned on me why Mike and Weed were never offended by the months-in-the-sewer smell of Ned: Ned already smelled that way because if the . . . um . . . special way the boys enjoyed him over the years.
UnkleSam
December 21st, 2006 at 11:43 am [Reply]

That shot of Lisa’s mother makes me think maybe Gil Thorp and Rex Morgan are going to combine forces Ã la Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft

or maybe we’ll just get to double our junkie-mothers-who-work-in-meth-labs fun!
gump worsley
December 21st, 2006 at 11:45 am [Reply]

Probably no one should post a parody after the awesome “Night Before Chrstimas” epic, but Pluggers is just getting to me these days.

To the tune of West Side Story’s “Maria”:

A Plugger!
I just met a gal whoâ€™s a Plugger
And suddenly Camus
Has up and said adieu to me.

A Plugger!
This yuppified world tends to bug her
A phone without a dial
Is now a thing quite vile to me.

A Plugger!
Say it loud, itâ€™s an 8-track switching
Say it soft and itâ€™s grandma bitching

A Plugger!
Takes six cans of Pabst just to drug her
That fancy VCR
Is just a bit bizarre to me.

A Plugger!
Albatross
December 21st, 2006 at 11:49 am [Reply]

Was I the only person who read today’s strip and thought, “YES! He’s going back in for the manuscript!” And who thought that not with the hope that the manuscript would be saved but that Michael would fail to escape?

And was I the only person who didn’t feel guilty for thinking this?

Given the timing, I suspect the FOOB Christmas strip, shows Michael and his family watching their apartment building burn, and saying “At least we have each other.” Either that, or, “I’m glad the kids’ toys in the hallway prevented the Kelpfroths from escaping.”
treedweller
December 21st, 2006 at 11:56 am [Reply]

Almost forgot. I think it’s best to ignore “The Born Loser” as a general rule, but today was a low even for this crap.

Not only a terrible, lame joke, but a belabored, terrible, lame joke.
Wolf Flywheel
December 21st, 2006 at 11:56 am [Reply]

I could fall 30,000 feet out of an airplane with 2 anvils and a piano on my back, hit some pavement and still not be as disjointed as these three panels of Gil Thorpe today. Although, I’m quite interested in watching our two young basketball-ettes practice this “pivot” move they mentioned.
Allie Cat
December 21st, 2006 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

#122 – Albatross FOOB – Here’s the thing – Michael and I are roughly the same age. I’ve been reading FOOB since my teens, and Michael and I were both students of Journalism. So at the time, I thought we had a lot in common.

But in the last decade or so, the similarities ended – I waited til I was in my 30’s to marry, I managed to not get pregnant with two spawn.

Which reminds me – Deanna is a pharmacist – how did she manage to “oops” get pregnant with Merrie on her ski trip with Michael – does she not know how the pill and condoms work?!!?

I remember Liz having that convo with Dawn or Shawna Marie when it happened and one of them intimating that Deanna tricked Michael into procreation.

But anyway – I used to kind of like Michael, but these days, I think he’s a pompous blowhard with no real regard of family, unless it serves him to wax prosaic in his monthly letter about the “wonder of little ones” or the thrills of being a Daddy.

Honestly, Deanna is the one doing all the work – if Michael drops dead in the fire rescuing his pwecious manuscwipt, I kind of think it would be…great.
athena
December 21st, 2006 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I went to the official FOOB site to read Michael’s December letter. Among the gems: “She has given birth four times – two stillborn children and two living. The living buried the dead.”

That’s a relief. Because when the dead bury the living, it gets a little messy.
Poway
December 21st, 2006 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

29. You must have an old radio
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

#108 – Anonymous said:
“‘I covered for Rick during Soccer season, he knows itâ€™s his turn to carry the ball’

Umm, what kind of soccer does Milford play? Youâ€™re not allowed to carry the ball, except for the goalie.”

I think what she was saying was that Rick took time off of the paper in order to play soccer. Now that it is basketball season, it is Rick’s turn to work a little harder at the paper while this girl shines in basketball. It is indeed a clever pun, if it was intended. “Carry the ball” with the “ball” being the paper and “carrying the ball” is what a soccer player would do if he weren’t playing, see.

I have successfully defended GT. Now my year is complete.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

The smoke from the Patterson fire just blew into Dilbert.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

#126 – Athena – “the living buried the dead.” “The living” in this context only refers to “the living children”. Sheilaugh made her infant offspring bury the stillborn corpses of their would-be-siblings? That’s just revolting. I’d rather that the stillborns were transmorgrified into some kind of zombies controlled by Satan, and buried the living. That would be an infinitely cooler book to read, anyway.
Gal Friday
December 21st, 2006 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

#55 Carry on!
Allie Cat
December 21st, 2006 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

#130 – Night of the Living FOOBs? I’d watch.

Braaaaaiiiiins…..
mattt
December 21st, 2006 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

130 – That’s what I read, too: The living children buried the dead children. How awful!

Sometimes Lynn and her world are just downright creepy.
HBGlord
December 21st, 2006 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

Puddles (formerly Luann): It still gives me a case of the irks that whenever a ladyfriend is needed for a male-identified dog, out comes the French poodle!

(Comics lazy shorthand: Poodle = female)

I guess if you, say, matched up th’ ol’ Pud with another dog of whatever breed he’s supposed to be, more caring readers might object to what may appear to be a same-sex pairing. However will we keep the homo-sin-ual agenda out of the comics pages?

Solution: Give the putative female of the species long, luxurious lashes or a set of those luscious Liz Patterson lips! (A big bow situated on the head, a too-short flouncy tutu or a flat straw hat with a daisy emanating from it are also acceptable animal feminizers.)
teenchy
December 21st, 2006 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

#99: Glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks 9CL’s Thorax looks like Cheney. He seems to be getting advice from similar sources as our current executive branch as well.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

Ha ha! Ballard Street is almost funny today – if it were Halloween season instead of Christmas season. Way to go, guys.
The Ghost of John Arbuckle Past Participle
December 21st, 2006 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

Call me an idiot if you will, but in the last three or so months, Garfield has become much better and funnier.

Either that or the drugs have started to take effect.
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

Treedweller, why, WHY was I so compelled to follow your link to the Born Loser? I agree, it’s best left ignored most of the time, and that punchline…ugh, and I had to look at the mother-in-law, with the hairstyle that they stole from Alice in Dilbert, except that Alice is a stone riot and she can pull off that hairstyle…and that punchline! Such as it was! Ugh…

Fortunately I was saved from total despair by your earlier Margo/Gollum comment. What has she got in her pocketses? Ha ha!
queek
December 21st, 2006 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

129: brilliant!

Looks like Dennis isn’t the only one not allowed to be menacing anymore.

Ink Pen

*crosses fingers on the tag working*
Dr. Shrinker
December 21st, 2006 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

So, still no sign of the Kelpfroths outside the apartment building…it occured to me that this entire story could become perfect TDIET material:

“Kelpfroth gets annoyed with every little sound made by the kids upstairs…”

“But when the smoke alarm goes off he sleeps right through it and dies an agonizing death in the flames. Oh-h-h yeah-h-h-h.”
AhClem
December 21st, 2006 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

#99 Michael –

“How else are we, mere mortals, supposed to understand the perfection of 9CL characters? I mean, always to have to show your characters as the smartest, most talented, most upstanding, toughest, and fairest…”

Now I understand. The characters in 9CL are really the Patterson Saints from Foobville, but with face and body transplants.
MossMoses
December 21st, 2006 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Michael failed to back up his manuscript at any point during the years of writing his book. Being a poor saint and devoted father, he couldn’t afford a usb thumb drive or cd burner and he was too sleep deprived to think of backing it up, so that’s fully understandable . He also failed to bring his ticka-tappa-ticka-tappa notebook where the file resides with him when he smelled smoke. Once again, as a devoted saintly father, his kids safety came first. He’s having his hairlipped wife clothe the kids rather than fleeing for their lives, as he runs up to the attic to rescue the uber crappy Sheilagh tripe. Yet, he’ll emerge a saintly hero. He’s already half baked but I’m hoping he emerges from the house an extra crispy manuscript martyr. Instead, he’ll be a saintly Farley-like hero and will probably save a lowlife Klepfroth on the way out the door just for saintly style points.
Fizz
December 21st, 2006 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

I was on the FOOB letters and I was able to get the January letters! Go on to the printable version and type in http://www.fborfw.com/char_pgs/michael/letters.php?page=january2007#
MossMoses
December 21st, 2006 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

btw: Gadge, King – happy birthdays. May your witty snarkasm continue to entertain your fellow curmudgeonites.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

Gadge, happy birthday! May you always have an abundance of moles to preen.

# 31 — Hippocrass, thank you! I was staring at that poodle last night thinking “I’ve seen you somewhere before,” with a feeling of deep unease. Now I know I was subconsciously remembering reading Berenstain Bear stories to my nieces over and over and over. Someone should force Lynn Johnston to do that for five weeks straight, at gunpoint.

# 55 — Zac, I like it!

# 88 — Hogenmogen, Lynn got into trouble years ago for putting a Foob baby to sleep on his/her stomach, can’t remember which baby. She later claimed the baby was sort of on its side, but the critics weren’t buying it. It will be interesting to see if she catches hell for her housefire performance or if a few days of homilies and admonitions are already built into next week’s strip to explain the various mistakes.

And by coincidence, the Keanes put PJ to sleep on his stomach in the last day or two with his misshapen head on a soft pillow, a huge pediatric no-no. My theory is that the Keanes won’t catch hell because we’re all tired of PJ anyway.
Michael
December 21st, 2006 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

Oh, Fizz, that letter is wonderful.

Deanna’s parents came by later on in the day. They brought more stuff than their small sedan could safely carry. They had blankets and tea towels,…

“Oh hallelujah, our problems are solved. We have ~~banana bread~~ tea towels.”
Allie Cat
December 21st, 2006 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

#143 – Fizz – GENIUS! A bit of a spoiler, but I can’t wait for the next few days and weeks.

It’s all starting to fall into place.

Mwahahahaaaa!
srah
December 21st, 2006 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

As long as I’m going to spoil myself for all of the FOOB-happenings for the rest of the year (read: nothing else happens), I went ahead and read all the other letters. Most disturbing line of all (thanks, April):

Also, there’s no can down here, so sharing the dumpster with a crowd totally sucks, sorry!

The “dumpster”?
Tonstant Weader
December 21st, 2006 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

Dear lord, I don’t ask for a lot at the holidays. This year, instead of a Red Rider Action BB, please let Michael Patterson and his epic, Clan of the Cave Canadian, go up in smoke. Let Margo utter the phrase “Chi Chi, get the yayo” sometime before the holidays are over, let Rex leave June for Gil Thorpe, let Tommy out of prison long enough to mix up a special batch of holiday crank (now with extra dramatic gesticulating action) and please, please dear lord let my holiday comics reading include as many references as possible to happy beavers frolicking far from Mark Trail’s dissaproving eyes.

A to the men.
Hysterical Woman
December 21st, 2006 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

18: (I may be beaten by this), but it’s a bibical reference to Jericho, where the Israelites destroyed the town in the same manner. Hart is saying that the Democrats want to destroy the White House. But since the Israelites destroy Jericho with the help of God, I’m not sure which side he’s on.
comicsn00b
December 21st, 2006 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

Fizz! Peeking at your christmas presents.
Erika
December 21st, 2006 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

#79- always good to see other Dr. Dirty fans out there!
Uncle Lumpy
December 21st, 2006 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

My daughter loved loved loved her some Berenstain Bears. I bought her the books and felt dirty – like giving your kid porn. I was so relieved when she moved up to Betty and Veronica’s Double Digest. That’s how desperate I was.

FOOB is the Berenstain Bears. Silly pa. Wise ma. Oh, those kids with their scrapes! Good at heart, though, ain’a? Faux parables at the end. Gosh, family’s important! Archie was f’n Proust after that.

Girl turned out OK – maybe there’s hope for us!
godwithfire
December 21st, 2006 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

Foob: You folks have it all wrong. Lizzie’s Mounty boyfriend has been sitting outside of Anthony’s house all night, drinking cheap whiskey and watching for signs of a late-night secret rendezvous. Suddenly he notices the smoke and flame from the nearby apartment building. He rushes over, just in time to save an unconscious Michael from the upstairs study, his years of police training overpowering the lingering effects of the whiskey. Unfortunately, whilst he is able to save Michael, he rushes back in to ensure that the neighbors are safe, and is lost.

I’m trying to figure out how to tie the chopper pilot ex-boyfriend into this, but am at a loss…
Tak, the Hideous New Girl
December 21st, 2006 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

Fizz: Thanks for that. I’m kind of sad that Michael survived to write it, but you can’t have everything.

I’m thinking the ideal FOOB couple would be Anthony and Michael. Get them together so they will stop bothering the rest of humanity (Canadianity?)

I also want to ask Deanna this: who is the bigger Tool? The Tool, or the one who marries and spawns (twice) with the Tool?
Terryfic
December 21st, 2006 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

Vote for #140 COTW
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

# 95 — Leo, my “Leo” is a wonderful cat, old but definitely not bald.

# 106 — Gimme a pitchfork! Hand me a torch! I’ll follow you, Cheech! C’mon, folks, let’s GIT ‘ER DONE!

# 121 — Gump, I’ll always hear that song now when a Plugger appears…
Red Greenback
December 21st, 2006 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

I must say,for being so young Theodette and Theodore sure have their beaver chops down!
Also, evertime I see the ‘rodball I think (Paraphasing W. C. Fields) “Jack Elrod?…sounds like a bubble in a bathtub”..I really have no idea why.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

# 143 — Fizz, you found the motherlode. “Thank you” is hardly enough for this link. I can’t believe it!….okay, deep breath….(MARGO), this is proof that MICHAEL IS THE MOST (MARGO)ING FOOBISH TOOL IN THE ENTIRE (MARGO)ING STRIP! I thought this had to be parody at first, but it’s the REAL (MARGO)ING DEAL! Step aside, Granthony — from now on, I save up my Toontown dollars to put a major contract on Michael! TERMINATE HIM WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE, AND HIS LITTLE MANUSCRIPT TOO!

Pant, pant. And oh yes, a Merry Solstice Season to us all!
Z$
December 21st, 2006 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

It’s a good thing that the inhabitants of Gil Thorp live in a world of reversed gravity, or that drink in panel three would be in her lap instead of mysteriously floating skywards.
merlinsulchek
December 21st, 2006 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

The genius of Gil Thorpe, aside from the Munch-like composition of panel one, and the hottie in the hoodie whose left arm drifts dangerously south while tiny circles attempt futilely to align themselves laterally in the background, is the intricately rendered coffee cup tree over the left shoulder of the alien in panel three — and, next to it,if that wasn’t enough for one day’s work — well, what is it? A napkin dispenser from Denny’s? Alors!
mattt
December 21st, 2006 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

#143 – Yup, spoiler city. But a fun read, and by “fun” I mean “wow, this is more than a little weird to have all this written by a fictional comic character, and someone out there reads this every month because it really helps flesh out the world of the Pattersons and increase the enjoyment of the strip GET A LIFE GET A LIFE GET A LIFE!”
HammerGirl
December 21st, 2006 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

154 – Yeah, tru dat. Then, probably right after Mounty Boyfriend’s memorial service, Elly will probably say something about how the Mounty boyfriend was there when Michael needed him, “But where is he when YOU need him, Elizabeth?”
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

# 153 — Uncle Lumpy, I can so identify. The “Too Much Vacation” book was a particular ordeal by, say, the fifteenth reading. I was just about ready to write an escape-hatch book called THE BERENSTAIN BEARS AND THE ALIEN MOTHERSHIP THAT TOOK THEM ALL FAR FAR AWAY FOREVER. But my nieces are also turning out well, and I’m grateful those books are now just a traumatic memory:-).
Justafoob
December 21st, 2006 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

Reading Mike’s January letter, he makes reference to John and Elly’s house and reference to his parents.

My gods, the man has lost his mind, he doesn’t know that they are one and the same.

And a hint to anyone who really cares, if you take the link that Fizz provided and change the name in the URL, you get that persons January Letter.

Not wanting to spoil anything, but I was surprised that Liz had a bun in the oven. And that the dad was JOHN!!!

Happy reading.
Islamorada Girl
December 21st, 2006 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

Fizz, thanks to you, Christmas came early this year! The wince- inducing sanctimony of Bulwar-Lytton prizewinner Michael was fabulous, but what really stood out was the lack of any news about Lovey. So nu, is she a charred Crispy Critter now or what, you insufferable, priggish, saintly Patterson fecal deposit on misery?

I also loved how he whined because his wife called her parents to tell them about the fire. What a toad he is.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

# 166 — Insufferable and priggish! Those are the words I’ve been looking for. Thank you, Islamorada Girl. You’ve got him sussed.
The Photocopiest
December 21st, 2006 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

And why does Santa’s workshop look like the finalÃ© of They Live?
Victor Von
December 21st, 2006 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

Panel 2 of Gil Thorp: The caption says “Lisa Wyche’s house,” but I have my doubts. That could be many things in the background– a UFO, the foggy runway set from “Casablanca”– but it is not any part of a house.

Why do you lie to me, Gil Thorp? Why?
SmartPeopleOnIce
December 21st, 2006 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

#53 (jvwalt) I believe what you’re trying to say is: Dick Tracy suqs.
Rafael
December 21st, 2006 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

FOOB: Anthony runs in to save St Mike. Gas main explodes. Everyone inside dead: St. Mike, Anthony, Kelpfuck, DEAD! Data recovery geniuses at DriveSavers manage to recover from the laptop the manuscript, which sucks. They also recover 24 Gigs of hardcore kiddie porn. Deena moves to San Francisco – far away from this foobed up family and shacks up with her college “roommate”. St Michael takes a seat next to Grampa Keane to watch over (haunt) his children. Lizard has flashbacks to games of ‘doctor’ with Miachael which were not so innocent. Liz crosses over to Funky Winkerbeen. No one misses anthony til they discover his child locked away in their basement, shivering and caked with feces. April moves to LA and lands a spot on American Idol. She is outed as a Canuk and disqualified. Ends up with a recuring role on a WB/CW drama and dating the guy from My Chemical Romance. BTW – the fire was started by an accident in Weed’s meth lab as he was a supplier for Elvis and Tommy Tweaker. Rabbit survives.
Merdz
December 21st, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

I’m loving the image of the drugstore photogirl hoping death will come swiftly as the Plugger stands there and describes her entire roll of pictures.

“You’re a Plugger if most people find you barely tolerable.”
LittleGuy
December 21st, 2006 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

Fizz: Thank you for allowing me to claim back two-to-four weeks of my life in the future.

Usually, I go nutzo over spoilers, but in cases like this….
Dicky
December 21st, 2006 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

FOOB:
I randomly listened to the song “Is that all there is?” on my computer this morning and it smacked me across the face! One of Mike’s kids has to become that insatiable for empirical sensations or always disappointed by everything, I’m not sure which. Of course, unlike in the song, he didn’t gather either of them up in his arms and race through the burning building to get them out so that they could watch their whole world go up in flames whilst shivering in their pajamas.
Come on, kiddies. Start singing “Is that all there is?” and have your parents look at you in abject horror as they ponder whether to submit you to thorough mental examinations or write it off as post-traumatic stress.
This also allows for a time down the road for the child to go down on the family in a horrible burst of killing in a futile attempt to truly capture more of the human experience.
SmartPeopleOnIce
December 21st, 2006 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

#112 (SQB) I think itâ€™s very telling that [Hart] knows exactly the correct typography and punctuation for writing about Jack Danielâ€™s.

Dude, he’s just copying it right off the bottle.
Thundarr
December 21st, 2006 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

A bit creepy that the Global Surveillance, N. American Sector, is manned by a group of old men whose sole job is secretly watching children via satellite to see if they’re “being naughty.”
Mushuweasel
December 21st, 2006 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

Holy crap! Margo’s gonna pull an Aldo on us! Really, though, Margo, champagne is an inefficient vehicle (pardon the double entendre) for your self-destruction.

Might I suggest a liter of Rumpleminz?
SmartPeopleOnIce
December 21st, 2006 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

What the [Margo] is Puddles watching on TV? Looks like an informercial for Wellbutrin.
Anonymous
December 21st, 2006 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

Ha! I’m a freakin’ Nostradamus! From my comment #122:

â€œIâ€™m glad the kidsâ€™ toys in the hallway prevented the Kelpfroths from escaping.â€

From Michael’s letter from the regretable future in which he survives:

“[firefighters] found Melville and Winnie unconscious in the alcove.”

SCORE!

Since I’m on a roll here prognostication-wise, I’ll also predict that when Melville fell in the hallway, one of the kids’ Big Wheels melted into his back, fusing with his spine. Look for Spiderman and Mary Jane’s Hollywood adventure to be interrupted by the super-villian, “Big Wheelio,” a cigar-chomping Canadian burn victim who keeps pounding on the ceiling of his downstairs hotel rom. Mary Jane manages to sleep through it, but Spidey lies awake all night, tingled awake by his spider-sense moments before each of Big Wheelio’s pounding attacks.

It’s like I have future-vision goggles!
Albatross
December 21st, 2006 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

Rats. I failed to predict that I’d forget to enter my name.
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

Fizz, thanks for the link! I have just two things to say:

1. “Pumped the adrenaline like a syringe”?
2. “Hour and a half commute to my place of toil”?

Can you imagine a novel full of writing like that? Place of toil. Also, why did he keep calling his parents John and Elly? And how far was this boardinghouse of theirs from John and Elly’s place that now, suddenly, it’s an hour and a half to his place of toil? Okay, maybe I had more than two things to say.
Lucyâ€™s Spunk
December 21st, 2006 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

Fizz, thanks for the link in #143. Reading that just makes me say with even more conviction: Die.Michael.Die.

Also a shout out to such a great crowd at CC for taking the spoilers in stride. On some of the TV boards I post at people get apoplectic if you even talk about the scenes from next week that are shown during the closing credits.
HBGlord
December 21st, 2006 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

Talk about the gift that keeps on giving: I just took a sneak peek at Lizardbreath’s January letter, and if it isn’t setting up Liz for a fall on her visit to Mtigxzptlk vis-a-vis Paul, i’ll eat a hat man!

[Margo] you, Lynn Johnston! And by [Margo], i mean “fuck”!
HBGlord
December 21st, 2006 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

#182 — Can’t really called it a spoiler if what’s it’s spoiling is already spoiled, innit?
Trent
December 21st, 2006 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I understand Margo now.

Its not that Margo’s been a nightmarish vortex of destruction and cruelty. Its that she has the worlds worst addictive personality. And living in the Apartment 3G world, she’s never had an opportunity to feel this “joy” others speak of. Now that she has, she’s hooked, baby, and she’s going to do whatever it takes to get her fix. She’s going to be wandering all over the strip, slipping the tongue to whoever pauses briefly in her path. And if Tommy, Lu-Ann, that weirdo in the cowboy hat or anyone else fails to give her what she needs…

Lets just say that when she was clean her scorn could slice through a wall of solid concrete. When Margo goes through withdrawal you’d best swallow back some hemlock. At least then you’ll be assured of the swiftness of your own departure.

On the upside, if the other characters are quick thinking, they can knock Margo out with a blackjack and haul her off to Rex Morgan-land for awhile. If there’s a methadone clinic for joy addiction, that’d be the place.
mattt
December 21st, 2006 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

Foob – Well, looking over everyone else’s letters (Yes I did. Shut up!) there’s not a lot of mystery where some stories will go, even past the time of the letters. Looking at Elly’s, for example, makes it pretty clear how the housing’s going to go.

So the future link doesn’t really spoil anything — it just time shifts it. Instead of guessing about next month, we guess about the month after. Except we have to read those [Margo]ing letters to do it. Okay, so it isn’t that great.
Zorba the Geek
December 21st, 2006 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

#134: “Puddles (formerly Luann): It still gives me a case of the irks that whenever a ladyfriend is needed for a male-identified dog, out comes the French poodle!”

HBGlord, I believe that Marmaduke’s lady friend is an Afghan hound, but she wears a bow on her head, presumably so people can tell her gender. Yeah, it bothers me, too, that the “girlfriend” dogs usually seem to be French poodles. Our last dog was a standard poodle, a male, he weighed 65 pounds, and there was absolutely nothing feminine about him.
Spotted HÃ˜rse
December 21st, 2006 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

BB: Man, do I love me some whimsical war games! This scene could be Band of Brothers as composed by Joan Miro or Chagall, except maybe not quite as aesthetically advanced.

The boys have fixed bayonets, so you know how vicious the fighting is… HOO-AH! And look at the sweet little pygmy tanks, and the heckilopters bobbing in the background. The more I look, the more I love.

(DT)GT: Hot Title IX action!
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

#143 – Fizz – thanks for the insight. I had been avoiding reading the Patterson prattlings, but I can’t resist taking a peek at something that someone tries to keep hidden. Maybe that’s why I didn’t read “Catcher in the Rye” when it was assigned for school, but I did the following year when I’d heard that it made several banned book lists. My own personal issues aside, did anyone else catch where Mike Pompouson refers to his father and mother as “John and Elly”?

Yeah, I can smell the lame non-punch lines just lining up from now until mid-January. I want to take a shower.
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

#187 – There’s probably a word for it, but in comics and other media, there are some creatures that are almost always singluar genders. Bull dogs are always male. “A Bug’s Life” made fun of this with Jason Alexander putting his voice to a ladybug. He gets whistles and hoots from some other insects and then yells at them “I’m a MALE ladybug, ok??”
Forthillrox
December 21st, 2006 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

“Parcels were opened and the kids watched TV as we prepared lunch and Mom got the turkey on.”

Parcels? Does Post Canada deliver on Christmas? Or does whatever minion who writes this crap run the letter through some automatic Thesaurus thingie before posting it?

I don’t even want to know what he means by his Mom getting the turkey on.

Get your Turkey on!
hogenmogen
December 21st, 2006 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

So in the letter is revealed the reasons that most or all of us here completely despise the Pompouson clan and all that associate with them.

1) The Kelpfarts started the fire because they are ugly, evil, lazy pieces of non-Patterson shit. It’s all their fault.
2) Mike attempts to show off his saintliness by expressing guilt at going back for his manuscript and letting Merrie’s little photo album perish. Shouldn’t grandma have a million pictures? My family has a billion, and there are even more stored online on msn.
3) Mike writes his letter with the high handed tone of a jerk who is trying to write a novel. Well, he is a jerk, and he’s trying to write a novel, but he should be writing a letter. His overly-dramatic “pumped adrenaline like a syringe” was cringe-worthy.
Bobdog
December 21st, 2006 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

Margo, you’re not a fool, you’re just drawn that way.
HBGlord
December 21st, 2006 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

#190 — Hogen, i thought of the male ladybug as a funny riff on the whole concept whilst i was penning my little fake gripe.

#187 — Zorba, the somewhat charming strip “Pooch Cafe” features as a recurring character a hulking bull mastiff named Droolia (who, yes, like Marm’s squeeze, is also outfitted with a bow). It’s actually a sorta sexist take on the classic ugly woman who wants to be desired.
Len
December 21st, 2006 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

#53 — Dr. Froid needs an assistant who will keep him focussed. A Pinky to offset his power-hungry Brain…

“And what’re we doing tonight, Froid?”
“Same thing we always do, Pinky. Plot to take over the world!”
yellojkt
December 21st, 2006 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

Fizz,
Thanks for saving me, man. All week I have been rushing to get the paper to see if Mike is dead yet. Now that I know my hopes will be dashed, I can relax. Tough break about the forensic investigators finding Weed’s stash in the ashes.

Gadge,
Happy, B-day. Preen some moles for me.
MonkeyHawk
December 21st, 2006 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

One of the reasons I became a convert to Curmudgeonism was Josh’s promise to read the comics so I didn’t have to. Alas, I can resist anything but temptation and now hit chron.com every midnight to keep up with (DT)GT, MW, JP, and even (horrors!) SF, a strip I had steadfastly learned to avoid in the daily dead tree version that’s plopped in a puddle every morning a 4 am.

But I was strong! I promised myself I’d *never* read the FOOB letters; rather, I’d get reports from Cardinals who were made of sterner stuff than I.

Then Fizz comes along.

I couldn’t help myself.

What a steaming pile of manuscript the Great Canadian Novel must be. And while there might be a modicum of perverse self-righteous logic in Michael thinking nothing he might ever rewrite could possibly be as good as his first draft of the last chapter, the prospect of reading a whole chapter (much less, a whole novel) filled with “place of toil”-isms makes me cringe; makes me want to stab my eyes out and order a German Shepherd.

Michael’s overt insensitivity to the Kleproths’ horrible injuries (albeit, due to the ultimate sin against Pattersonism: “careless smoking”) and his landlady’s sudden loss of income, property, and/or life makes me want to wretch. As if I’d smelled burning plastic and been carried like a doll from my house and came through with no harm after a couple of puffs of oxygen.

His kids *lost some toys!!!!* for cryin’ out loud!! And they had to sleep on the fold-out couch for two nights! With hours, *hours!* without a tea towel to their names!

Don’t get me started.
MonkeyHawk
December 21st, 2006 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

Ooops. Too late.
Poppinjay
December 21st, 2006 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

“Careless smoking”, someone said. “Plastic lampshade and nylon curtains”. Apparently Melville had been drinking.

We all knew it would be his cigar that caused the crime, but with this examination of their absolutely cheap, chintzy housewares and acoholism, they are now thoroughly demonized.

The lecture that Mike received from the EMTs, “don’t go back for your book son, it isn’t worth it, I mean really, this is dreck. Even the fire avoided it.”
cheech wizard
December 21st, 2006 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

Greetings, all -

I’m about to shut off my computer and pretty much disappear for the next week, but first I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas to his Popeness and all my fellow curmudgeonites. Before I go, here’s a little holiday treat from an ancient Mad Magazine, best as I can recall it. Try to visualize it being sung by John or Elly Patterson, re: Farley or Edgar.

I’m screaming at a white sheepdog,
Each time he sits upon my chair.
It’s a thing I’m dreading,
The way he’s shedding,
And coats everything with hair.

I’m screaming at a white sheepdog,
If he should visit you some night,
May his bark be worse than his blight,
And may all your furniture be white.

Merry Christmas, everybody.
Red Greenback
December 21st, 2006 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

That’s a real pile of manurescript you got there, Mikey!
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

# 197 — I know what you mean, Monkeyhawk. Now I can go to bed earlier. And I’m trying to get over my bitterness that apparently a number of fire, rescue, and medical people who had a perfect chance to put Michael out of our misery didn’t do so.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

‘Tis a very Puddles Christmas. Replete with the kind of logic and character development and dialog you’d have if the strip were, indeed, written by a pet mongrel dog.

According to the scientists, Ricoâ€™s learning capability is equivalent to a three-year old child, minus the ability to speak.

Dog Intelligence: Rico the Wonder Dog

Like Toonces, the Driving Cat, Puddles CAN tell a Christmas story … just not very WELL.
Rebecca
December 21st, 2006 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

Don’t Lovey and Weed live in a different house? I don’t know if they’re attached or not, but I know Lovey owns two houses. In that case, the one woman in Canada who speaks authentic pidgin Yiddish is still alive and well, and so is Ned. Otherwise, they’re toast.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

And obviously, if those 3 had really wished the dog well, they would have told Puddles the moral instead of sending him to the North Pole to learn it, and not even get any presents.

Still, there’s an obvious Puddles gets laid subtext, so perhaps Santa is simply pussyfooting around the obvious.
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

Fizz, how were you able to get hold of the January 2007 letter? I looked for Deanna’s letter too but the link only gave me the current December 2006 one.

And I was really disappointed, because I wanted to read her searing prose about her incredibly stupid husband and his selfish desire to save a piece of shit instead of making sure living human beings, some of whom are his own supposedly beloved family, are definately safe.

I wanted to read about how she hauled off and slapped him in the face for being such a disappointment. Not just because he left her to do all the carrying the kids down the fire escape and threaten their family unit by putting his own life in jeopardy for the sake of something he should have made backups of anyway. No, I am sure the biggest disappointment she felt was seeing Michael come out of it alive.

Because Deanna has been the one behind Elly and John’s odd support of Granthony, and the one who whispers in their ear about Paul not measuring up and not being there for Liz. Deanna knows that once Liz does the typically stupid Patterson thing and dumps Paul for the lowlife loser Granthony, that will leave Paul for Deanna to neatly snag for herself.

Hell yeah! Move her and the spawn up to some tiny little town in the north, far away from the Patterson brood’s disturbing influence. She could have tried to stamp out as much of Michael’s influence on them as possible. Since living with him was always tough, living in Mitagatingcircumstance couldn’t be that much harder.

But nooo. Michael had to go and live, dammit all, despite her best efforts to leave him to his last hour of writing in order to set the fire and make it look like Kelpforth’s fault.

Oh, she is a crafty one, our Deanna.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

reader-who-posts:

Amazingly, there really is a thought process behind this one. Nor is Johnny slamming the Democrats.

If you were part of Johnny’s Bible-based target audience, you’d realize that the White House is playing the part of Jericho here and the New Democratic Doll the part of Joshua and his troops. The goal of the New Democratic Doll is to march around the White House 7 times, then blow its trumpet.

At that point the walls of the White House will come tumbling down, and the Democrats can slay everyone therein and give thanks to God.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

Oh, Hysterical Woman beat me to it. You can see how I skim the comments.
dks
December 21st, 2006 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

To # 17 (and others): I’m ashamed to admit I know this, but the Beetle/Miss Buxley romance stems from fans who were asked to vote on whom Miss Buxley should date. I believe this occurred sometime during the late ’90s, but I was doing a lot of drugs then, which is part of the reason I read BB so religiously.
Len
December 21st, 2006 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

It’s the Winter Solstice today (unless you live south of the Equator), the shorterst day of the year. The Neo-Pagan’s answer to Christmas. Also G. Cubit’s birthday! — Hope it’s a good’un. The weather’s not particularly wintery here in N’Yawk yet (poor Denver, Colorado!), but I’m reminded of a song parody by my late friend Fred Kuhn…

Oh holy shit, the snow is softly falling,
This is a night to go straight home to bed.
Vitamin C (says Doctor Linus Pauling)
Is just the thing for that cold in your head.

A draft of smoke, a friendly glass awaiting,
Just one more block, just one more street to cross…
Fall on your knees! Your ass! Or just go sprawling!
Oh fli-i-i-ght supine!
Oh night when ice was formed!
Oh, flight supine! Oh, hold on tight!
Oh fro-ho-ho- ho-zen night.
Dingo
December 21st, 2006 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

Alas, reading Michael’s January letter, I realize that I’ll never be able to write prose as purplish as Lynn Johnston, no matter how drunk or constipated I get. The Kelpfroth male, Melville (MELVILLE?!?) gets blamed for the fire but you have to admit it sounds like a bodaciously funny way for a fire to start. My hopes had been pinned on Meredith lighting a candle for Santa. Or Lovey lighting a Channukah menorah. Or Deanna burning down the house and Michael with it.

Whene’er you believe that life is at its worst, please remember this: no matter what you do, you haven’t written a novel as bad as Michael Patterson did.
Rafael
December 21st, 2006 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

Fizz: This is the best Christmas spoiler. ever.
This bit from April’s January letter shows that things are about to get hot n heavy with her special friend Eva.
I’ll probably get in trouble for saying this in my letter, but I’m annoyed. Everyone will probably be too busy to read it anyway! I’m making the best of it. I’ve got my tunes, my bedspread, my guitar, and Buttsy down here with me. I spend the weekends with my friends, and stay over at Eva’s quite a bit. She’s got a queen sized bed, so we can crash there and have plenty of room. We stay up late; it’s cool. She’s got a really big house so we can play music and sing at midnight if we want and we don’t wake anyone else up. Her ‘rents are in a different wing!
SmartPeopleOnIce
December 21st, 2006 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

I, too, am outta here. Happy Chrismas you little scamps.

Gimme a ticket fer a nair-o-plane…
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
December 21st, 2006 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

Thanks for all the birthday solicitations – oh wait, those were only from Dingo. Thanks for all the birthday wishes. Just to clarify: when I wrote that it was 49 minutes after my birthday, I meant that it was 49 minutes into the day after my birthday. So, for your future gift-giving needs, my actual birthday is December 20 (shared with Mike Watt and Billy Bragg – not the year, though), not December 21 (Frank Zappa).

Let me add that I really wished the FOOB fire had turned into a huge conflagration like at the end of Day of the Locust. Damn.
Cafangdra
December 21st, 2006 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

After a thorough examination and a stern but reasonable lecture from the medics, I was released. Deanna had called my parents from the waiting room. They had room for us and were waiting!

Every time I think I’ve reached the Michael-hating threshhold…gah. I hate him much more than Anthony. (Actually, Anthony’s just annoying. Mainly what I hate is the gut-churning inevitabilitly of the Anthony storyline.)

“Stern but reasonable.” For crap’s sake. I wish they’d beat him with rubber hoses.

(Deanna’s letter makes me feel better, although after letting him know what an idiot he’d been she should’ve divorced him, not resolved to love him even more. I fucking LOVE how Deanna apologizes for her “short” letter–short because she has to work full-time, take care of the kids, and basically bear every burden that’s fallen on the family–while Michaels’ is long and self-righteous and full of “places of toil” and “adrenaline pumped like a syringe” and other crap he’s probably saving up to use in his follow-up to the Shillelagh novel.)
(I just hate him so much.)
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

Hey I have a great idea – a way to please both Lynn Johnston and crew AND her readers.

Bear with me, Mark Trail.

First, michael saves all but one page – the final page – of his novel.

Second, one of the children expires due to smoke inhalation.

Third, a fireman finds the ashes of the last page near where the child died … IT WAS THE LAST SIGHT THE CHILD SAW.

Fourth, based on the well known fact that you can develop the last sight seen by a dying child much as you would a photographic negative, Mike brings the body to a friend at McGill (or a Toronto based university if they’re up for it). The dead child gives Michael one last Xmas gift – his finished novel.

Michael changes the dedication, rededicating it from his mom and dad to his dead child.

Only question is, which child should die?
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

Also, thanks Greg Howard for making Santa part of the NSA. No, really. It’s exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Can’t you do something with elves to humanize Abu Ghraib? puleeze? I’ll let you show Luann in a teddy with chilled nipples without writing a letter. Promise.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

Also, thanks Greg Evans for making Santa part of the NSA. No, really. It’s exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Can’t you do something with elves to humanize Abu Ghraib? puleeze? I’ll let you show Luann in a teddy with chilled nipples without writing a letter. Promise.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

ugh, disregard the howard, i normally see it before i say it
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

#206 True Fable – follow Fizz’s link to Michael’s letter, and when you’re done sputtering laughter over lines like “place of toil,” go back up to the link and replace the word “michael” with the word “deanna.” You can do that with all the fambly members, and read all their letters! Ooh ooh, read John’s; he’s really full of his dorkball self in January! Hardly any mention of the fact that his son and his family barely survived a fire!
jules
December 21st, 2006 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

#215 – Okay, it’s true I have most of a beer in me, but I only just recovered from the line “For crap’s sake, I wish they’d beaten him with rubber hoses.” Holy man. That was funny. Stern but reasonable. I swear. Place of toil.
Marion Delgado
December 21st, 2006 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

Blynedda: You have to go in on your bet with me – this is what I posted on the last thread:

As you know, http://www.geocities.com/marion_delgado/foob_backstory.gif , I maintain that April and Liz have been molested constantly by â€œTrainman.â€ This, Liz will finally realize, is why she canâ€™t have a relationship with a man at this point in her life, if at all.

Hence, my money is on newly-widowed and obviously bi Deanna and Liz relationshipping. Lynn abandons all resistance to feminism and even Therese comes back, kills Anthony, and becomes the antihero of the closing weeks of FBOFW.

For better!
Professor Membrane
December 21st, 2006 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

Luann: Puddles’ magical Christmas lesson takes a brief back-seat to a punchline insulting Brad. Presumably, this is a sign that this storyline is taking place entirely in Luann’s imagination, perhaps as she, like Garfield, hallucinates while starving to death in an abandoned house.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

# 215 — Cafangdra, you said it so well.

Some of us have dubbed Molly The Best Bear in the World, because she is. In the same spirit, I declare Michael’s novel (and I dread learning the title) The Worst Book in the World.

Ginormous ducks will want to crap on it. Dick Tracy will try to shoot holes in it. Margo will bobble her head in horror. Celeste will feel an overwhelming urge to hurl on it. Dent will shake his finger at it. Gil Thorp will love it.

There the manuscript sits in the Patterson house, a ticking time bomb. As soon as Lynn creates a suitably-insane imaginary publisher, this innocent-looking pile of paper will be transformed into a Weapon of Mass Mental Destruction. Skim three pages and you start losing the will to live. Skim three chapters and you develop a strong urge to kill.
Islamorada Girl
December 21st, 2006 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

Dingo! The dictator of Turkemanistan just died, leaving a vacancy at the top! Get your resume in now! Assuming the role of supreme leader of a developing nation, taking names and kicking ass as you drag them into the 21st Century is a gig made in heaven for you! Go, my man, go, before the coups start! This is the part you were born to play!
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

# 210 — Len, been there, done that, love the song.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

Foob — And before I shut up for awhile, will some kindly soul please go to the official Foobsite, click on the Deanna portion, look at Deanna in that purple dress, and tell me what the (Margo) happened to her body.
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

Thanks, jules!

…although Deanna’s letter was just not VIOLENT enough, dammit! I wanted her to rip his lungs out through his notrils, but oh well. I guess that will look better in a comic panel anyway.

John’s letter was pretty much standard John “I’m such a clueless Nerdorkian”. I suppose when you are spineless to begin with, you really don’t think to lecture your son on how stupid and selfish he is. John probably figures Mike’s just a lovable chip off the old blockhead.
But it’s those stupid open-mouthed maws on the Pattersons in the little letter stamp that irritate the hell out of me. It’s like they are saying, “Hey! I have no brain! Are those headlights coming at me? Watch and see if I blink!”
Wait…April shares a dumpster with a crowd ? Wow, gotta love her ability to make appropriate public small talk. But hey, she has Eva and her queensized bed with plenty of room. LJ leaves it at that, so listen to that guitar reel out a hardcore bow-chicka-bow-bow soundtrack this spring when we’ll learn that April’s a lesbian!

That would almost make the pity party from November and December worth while. Almost.

Just couldn’t resist some snarky comments. Tastes like candy!
AeroSquid
December 21st, 2006 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

After reading Beetle Bailey for some 40 years, I am now convinced that the reason no one in that strip has ever gone to Vietnam/Afghanistan/Iraq is because they are not really in the army. Camp Swampy is one of those exclusive Military BD/Uniform Fetish ‘Boot camps’. People like ‘Pvt’ Bailey live each day to be ‘trained’ by an older bear by the name of ‘Sgt’ ‘Snorkle’ and his dog ‘Otto’. Think about it. Think about ‘Miss’ ‘Blips’ and what ’she’ is doing there.
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

Poteet, my queen!

Dee has obviously met all the requirements in the Lynn Johnson Road to Respectability Handbook, and has won her Dumpy Figure at last. Sure, she has a job – but she has to take care of the children and support The Fool Who Thinks He’s a Writer, so just to make sure that all the Foobians out there don’t get the mistaken notion that it’s okay for women to hold down jobs they like, Lynn added Flab and Sag to Dee’s once bodacious figure.

She’s quite the jealous conservative.
Daniel
December 21st, 2006 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

This Beetle Bailey comic was just one more instance to suggest that Beetle’s gay, and I find that completely and utterly delightful.
True Fable
December 21st, 2006 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

Sheâ€™s quite the jealous conservative.

Lynn, not Dee. I still hold out hope that Dee is plotting to steal Paul and get the hell out of Dodge.
FREE HOWARD NOW
December 21st, 2006 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

Michael’s letter doesn’t even mention that it was Christmas Eve until at least half way through. Wouldn’t this normally be among the first things to say? And what was he doing writing a book on Christmas Eve? He should have been assembling bicycles, plastic horses, or jungle gyms.

It will be interesting to see if FBOFW runs something completely out of step on Sunday, as it usually does. Maybe one of the kids will set the dog on fire, and hilarity will ensue.
mumbles
December 21st, 2006 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

The funniest part of John Patterson’s letter is the dorky graphic of him with a goofy grin. “Hidey-ho folks! My kid and his family almost burned to a crisp! Hey, do you like model trains too?”

To all those who feel a little guilt about enjoying Michael Patterfoob’s demise – yeah, I agree, I felt a little weird getting up every day to read the paper and root for “fire.”
Baby Dâ€™oh
December 21st, 2006 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

In the final panel, Margo’s overwhelming despair has caused her to suffer a deficiency of her interrogative gland.

Somebody better get Nurse Thompson on this right away.

Hee. “Get Nurse Thompson on this.” Dirty.
grinderman
December 21st, 2006 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

Oh sure, “Beetle Bailey” is just a carnival of frustrated sexual desire. Col. Halftrack wants to have sex with Miss Buxley, Mrs. Halftrack wants to have sex with her husband, Lt. Lugg wants to have sex with Sarge, Sarge wnats to have sex with Beetle…
Islamorada Girl
December 21st, 2006 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

Elly Patterson is a manipulative skank. She’s a taller version of Momma, the Doc Oc of matriarchial control freaks. And her spawn are programmed to be just like her. Now that she has all of them under one roof again, the controlling can really kick into high gear, sort of like a Tennessee Wiliiams play set in the Great White North.
Lynn Johston’s True Believers are the same sexless women who invest their life savings in Precious Moments dreck, hoping one day it wil be collectible and support their declining years. Oh, how I hate your shoddy pandering, Queen of Foobs. Die, die, die!
Dean Booth
December 21st, 2006 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

MW: Tomorrow, Ella gets her revenge.
Suicide_Blonde
December 21st, 2006 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

Hello! Emerging from lurkdom to say howdy and say that some good has come of the FOOB storyline about Michael and his wretched manuscript. I’ve now become much more paranoid, erm, I mean, diligent about backing up my own works-in-progress.
Dean Booth
December 21st, 2006 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

Does anybody remember a Pete Smith Specialty short in which he tells the story of a novelist’s wife throwing the only copy of his manuscript in the fireplace? I’m thinking it was Tolstoy’s War and Peace, but that sounds unlikely.
comicsn00b
December 21st, 2006 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

237. What she said!

Die under a pile of burning plastic lampshades and nylon curtains.
comicsn00b
December 21st, 2006 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

Well, maybe that’s the champagne talking. But go away, at least, as promised!

239. Welcome, and don’t forget to keep a copy off site! So that the purifying flames of Canada do not burn up all your backups!
alamo
December 21st, 2006 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

global surveillance in n. american sector?? could it be??? dick cheney with the added beard is santa claus?? run puddles while there is still time!!
and what’s with the two old geezers in the list room? one looks like wimpy and the other like mr. natural w/glasses — staring at the computer screen too long i guess.
Sjofn
December 21st, 2006 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

215/Cafangdra …

I am so totally with you on this. It’s those monthly letters. Without them, Michael would be annoying, but not the worst. You’d just roll your eyes when it was his turn in the strip. But with the power of those letters, and the power of being written by someone who has apparently never spoken to anyone who has written anything ever, he rises to greatness. Such as it is.

Honestly, I don’t think I could write someone so annoying even if I put all my heart and soul into trying.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
December 21st, 2006 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

I think you’re all missing a key piece of the FOOB puzzle. Go back to Michael’s page at the FOOBsite. What’s the second-last entry in his list of dislikes? “Writers who can’t write.”

It’s obvious now that Michael’s return to the burning house – ostensibly to “rescue” his manuscript – was really a suicide attempt. Michael knows he’s the crappiest writer ever to wrangle a sentence together, and he despises himself for it. (Incidentally, this would lend support to those commentors suggesting that his manuscript actually consists entirely of “all work and no play makes Michael a dull boy” repeated endlessly, page after page.) His previous attempt – to clog the toilet with “Ned” (his “symbol of futility”) hoping to engulf the home in noxious fumes – failed, of course…which only increased his self-loathing.

Wow. Suddenly Michael seems like a better, more honest, more self-aware character after all. According to Michael Moore, there are lots of guns in Canada, just waiting behind unlocked doors for someone like Michael to wander in, grab one, stick the barrel in his mouth, and pull the trigger.
Poteet
December 21st, 2006 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

#228, 230, 232 — True Fable, you have a gift for skewering Foobville follies. You did a great job on those letter-stamp faces, bwahahaha!

I’m glad you think there is nothing wrong with Deanna on her letter site except the Creeping Frump. To me, she looked unnaturally short, as if someone surgically removed several inches of her thighs or calves. And the site is weird enough without that.

I am unable to see anything on the homepage, for example, except big “H” letters and very blurry balls. I figure the balls probably have Pattersons trapped inside them or something, but I am mercifully spared knowing for sure.

And I think that’s a great idea you have — Dee and Paul would make a dynamite couple. Don’t give up the dream:-)!
MonkeyHawk
December 21st, 2006 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

I suppose I could look up this stuff myself, but I’d rather get a barbed wire colonoscopy than revisit the official FOOB website.

Does anybody have any idea just how Lynn Johnston’s little cottage industry operates? Surely she’s not drawing and inking every panel, or lettering of even scripting daily strips anymore, is she? Which means somebody on the staff is getting paid real money (or the Canadian equivalent) to write the FOOB monthlies. A real person. How does that person sleep at night?
comicsn00b
December 21st, 2006 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

247. She credits a Creative Director for doing final inking and lettering on at least some strips.

I learned that from my ONE visit there before today’s letter. That place is really scary; I won’t be going back.
Cafangdra
December 21st, 2006 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

Poteet et al:

What I hate most about Mike’s novel–and there’s a lot of stuff I hate about it considering it doesn’t actually, you know, exist–is that there’s apparently already a publisher for it. I thought so, then Deanna’s January letter confirmed it: he’d been sending chapters to the publisher.

?!

I take it he got a contract on the strength of his outline, his work at (gag) “Portrait,” and that bitchy anti-Klepforth essay he published a few years ago.
Only in the foobiverse!
Josh
December 22nd, 2006 at 12:03 am [Reply]

Cafangdra (#249) — If he’s been sending chapters to a publisher all along, then why … why … WHY DID HE NEED TO RUN BACK INTO A BURNING BUILDING TO GET THE MANUSCRIPT! Christ.

Josh
Poteet
December 22nd, 2006 at 12:25 am [Reply]

# 249 — Well, that certainly confirms my earlier theory that the publisher of this novel would have to be insane. Thanks, Cafangdra. Now that we know more about the torture that lies ahead, I wish Lynn would announce the title and get it over with. I still favor SHEILAGH AND THE BIG BLOODY PLACENTA, but maybe Michael will just call it THE GREAT CANADIAN NOVEL.

I labor long over small prose projects to try to make them coherent and interesting, and I’m just an amateur. I can only imagine what this storyline may do to the nervous systems of the professional writers among us. Lynn, you are probably driving people to drink. More.
Poteet
December 22nd, 2006 at 12:31 am [Reply]

# 250 — Josh, here is the official explanation from Michael’s January letter:

“I couldn’t believe I’d been stupid enough to go back into the building. My mother had almost every chapter. I would have had to rewrite the last one. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it as well! Actually, I wasn’t thinking at all.”

That last sentence, I believe.
Josh
December 22nd, 2006 at 12:46 am [Reply]

#252 — Poteet, thanks for reading the Foob letters so I don’t have to, since I’m not sure I have the strength. Sadly, the second to last sentence is probably true as well.

Josh
Luprand
December 22nd, 2006 at 3:18 am [Reply]

My thought on the Luann strip … if Santa’s showing Puddles his surveillance system, that implies that they’re getting a live video feed. And in that case … what are those three people doing, lined up and grinning like some demented chorus line?
Dingo
December 22nd, 2006 at 4:03 am [Reply]

Thanks, Islamorada Girl!

I shall take over the country, telling my minions to scower the countryside for young, burly mole preeners who will do my bidding (and bedding). I shall declare that every January 12 will be Biscuit and Eclair Day! I shall make it a crime for an inept son to follow his father into office even in other countries! I will entice Lynn Johnston to visit the country for what she believes to be a goodwill tour but jail her and torture her the way she’s done her readers. I will make it a crime for each citizen to not purchase at least one item of Comics Curmudgeon clothing from cafepress.com. And we shall worship Aldo Kelrast as the martyr to love that he was.
mattt
December 22nd, 2006 at 10:02 am [Reply]

Foob – Even the pets get letters. I can’t believe I’m gonna say it, bit I believe the only appropriate word is, “Ack.”
MGM
December 22nd, 2006 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

Having frustrated comic readers for years with his inability to ever resolve a storyline, Greg Evans now foists this putrid pile of steamingly sentimental crap on an appalled public. It’s almost enough to make me read “Marmaduke”
Bud
December 22nd, 2006 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

Damn it all to hell and back – try and try and try as I might – Luann and Gil Thorp will NEVER make any sense to me! What the hell is wrong with me?????!!!!!!! ARRRRGGH
Braniff
December 22nd, 2006 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

I can’t resist wondering about Puddles in the Luann comic strip: Could he and Brian (the dog in the Family Guy TV show) have been separated at birth?
Retro Trivia Lad
December 27th, 2006 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

Hey, Beetle Bailey — whatever happened to your girlfriend back at home, Bunny? Remember her? We haven’t seen or heard of her for, well, years.

Did you dump her through sheer inattention? Did she send you a Dear John letter? If today’s strip is any indication, she got tired of your sexless narcoleptic existence.

Or did something more… sinister happen to her?

Watch out, Miss (no first name) Buxley! Beware! It’s always the quiet ones!
Bitter Scribe
December 30th, 2006 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

#190: Wasn’t there some crappy animated feature recently where all the characters were cows, but some of them were male cows? Sure seems like someone was unclear on the concept.
Anonymous
March 4th, 2008 at 8:11 am [Reply]

HPL1 UNHIRSE
nemoErensenuT
March 9th, 2008 at 7:07 am [Reply]

I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
mich
May 15th, 2009 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

omg the snoopy one is helarous
How To Get My Girlfriend Back
November 28th, 2009 at 6:06 am [Reply]

Gil Thorp is due for a character introduction and bringing in her truck driver mom will put the comic back on track again. Her tomboyishness has to be rooted in some kind of madness.

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