Comment of the Week

I love that Uncle Herman's gravestone just says 'HERM,' entirely misunderstanding the purpose of memorials. Meanwhile, on the floor of a bowling alley, next to a gutter where no one can see it, there's a lovingly crafted plaque dedicated to 'Herman Nightjar Fishhawk, bowler, drinker, friend. He always bought the next round, and he loved conspiracy theories so much he married one.' I have to infer a few things about Herm's life, but that sounds about right.

Victor Von

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Bizarro, 7/23/26

They say only humans live with knowledge of their own mortality. And it’s not all downside! A little “memento mori” buzzing in the background makes the colors seem brighter, the steaks juicier, the booze boozier, and reminds us all to enjoy every sandwich. But this guy doesn’t need reminders—he goes face‑to‑face with morte every working day. I bet his Friday nights are awesome.

Rhymes with Orange, 7/23/26

Tomorrow morning, Keith Richards will rise from the rubble and ask “Eh, wot’s fer breakfast?”

Pluggers, 7/23/26

Pluggers have evolved prehensile bellies, to stay fat without all the hard work of eating.

Hägar the Horrible, 7/23/26

Vikings sure had some weird kinks.


—Uncle Lumpy

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Shoe, 7/22/26

NO MUFFY NO HE’S REACHING FOR YOUR BEAK HE THINKS IT’S A [horrible wrenching sounds, bird-agony noises].

Crock, 7/22/26

… and maybe a thesaurus?

Say, doesn’t that bird look awfully glum for somebody in the cheer-distribution business? Sure, most of your clientele in that game will be sad sacks like Figowitz here. Maybe you even bear their burdens, like a sad clown or depressed comedian. But if you’re doling out industrial packages of cheer, who’s going to complain if you skim off a little for yourself? It’s not embezzlement, it’s self-care!

Mark Trail, 7/22/26

Happy Trail ditches his evil grifter fiancée Gail at the altar to care for the gorillas suffering from her neglect. Mark can’t just stand there; he has to do something—but there’s not a single villain in punching range.

Judge Parker, 7/22/26

Sophie didn’t mean to walk that way, just like the artist probably didn’t mean to slap down that inscription without correcting the perspective—but you go with what you got, I guess.

Hey, is this when manipulative brat adorable pixie Charlotte learns Sophie’s tragic backstory? It’s time that child learned how the world works: You can’t just shoot people for money like her Mom does, you gotta go out and inherit it!


—Uncle Lumpy

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Alice, 7/21/26

… but … but that’s just the Internet, isn’t it?

Dick Tracy, 7/21/26

Sam is on the trail of a gang of hackers including “Widescreen” (gamer handle “WSOD”), a rude and extremely undisciplined lout who brags in open forums about his taste for upscale takeout and gaming chairs found only in neo‑Chicago, and now reveals the timing of his next heist to Sam’s undercover identity. This calls for a burst of Rapid-Fire Typing, and you can tell by his look of grim determination that Sam is here for it.

Mary Worth, 7/21/26

Oh come on, Mary—this is Wilbur Weston, for crying out loud. Does that sullen, belligerent troll look like he’s about to show anybody some grace? NO GRACE WILL BE SHOWN!


—Uncle Lumpy