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Without further ado: Your funny funnies from the past seven days!

“I don’t think these people know the meaning of the word ‘closure’ any more than they know the meaning of the word ‘intervention’. For ‘intervention’ read ‘attack’, and for ‘closure’ read ‘satisfaction’.” –ragthetiger

“It seems to me that Mark Trail’s Molly also has the remarkable ability to change size; she’s shrunk from a full-sized behemoth to little more than a teddy bear when visiting her trainer in the hospital. Next week Mark should be able to stow Molly in the pocket of his flannel shirt and keep her fed with a peanut a day.” –Nicky Newark

“This morning in MW, Wilbur sez, ‘I hope we won’t be asked to say anything…’ Apparently Wilbur hasn’t noticed that no one’s ever asked him to say anything, ever.” –jules

“I guess the rules of responsible pet ownership, much like the laws of physics, don’t apply in Lost Forest.” –MossMoses

“Why no freshly dug grave? After that wreck, they probably decided to save money and just injected Aldo’s remains into the earth using a Popeil Solid Flavor Injector.” –Trent

“And Ian: Making a joke at Aldo’s funeral. I can’t wait to see you have a heart attack on the toilet.” –smacky

“Seriously, you read that last dialogue balloon too many times, all hope in the universe dies.” –Zack

“Personally, I’m hoping we get a tearful confession from Toby. ‘It was my fault! In my concern for my friend, I created the confrontation that drove Aldo to his death! Also, I paid a guy to cut his brake lines.'” –Splinky

“And that’s when I realized Family Circus is where humor goes to die.” –treedweller

“FooB: This strip has degenerated into the boringest thing ever. It is a glorification of the dull. I imagine everyone wearing shades of beige and grey, the sky behind them the color of a hangover, and the vague scent of a papermill in the air.” –pelagius

“It seems Abbey now has a permanent seductive ‘let’s boink’ expression regardless of what she’s talking about, including hordes of mice. I think she should become a local news anchor.” –Poteet

“And as for you people who want Liz to get together with Paul — what did Paul ever do to you? I like Paul, and he deserves much better than Liz. He should marry that nice girl that replaced Liz. And they should adopt a pet bear, named Molly, who is A Very Good Bear with Very Bad Luck.” –Summerhouse

“The majority of Gil Thorp takes place after something has happened: ‘Well, we lost that game!’ ‘Hey, I saw someone tearing down posters!’ ‘I dropped out of the race!’ It’s an interesting creative choice to concentrate solely on the conversations that take place between the rare moments of excitement.” –smacky

“Between Molly and Barfy, there’s been a lot of cross-species making out going on lately, and I for one am excited…er, disgusted.” –Pozzo

“Family Circus actually is on target today. I’d much rather be licked by a dog or rat-eating cat than have any close contact with a child.” –Frank Drackman

“How are these mullet-tops going to make money with a trained bear, anyway? Take her to a national park and have her steal pick-a-nick baskets?” –Randy

“Granthony hasn’t made a tough decision since he was at Tim Horten’s and it was a choice between frosted or unfrosted cinnamon rolls. (BTW, he chose frosted and has had serious doubts ever since.)” –Justafoob

“Oh, and yesterday? When she said she felt like she wasn’t ‘accomplished’ next to Anthony? I assumed she was just being polite…try to make the poor lug feel better since, you know, his life is shambles and whatnot.” –Cafangdra

“Lu Ann is caught between the moon and New York City. It isn’t pretty, but it’s true.” –Dingo

“I will be the first to admit that I am nothing if not inept when it comes to identifying the various Judge Parker characters. My excuse — and I think its a good one — is that I really don’t give a damn who they are. I believe the blonde JP kid is called ‘Sophie’. Why she is called that, well, that’s anybody’s guess.” –Fred P.

“I can’t believe Mark Trail called Molly ‘it.’ ‘It?!’ Listen, Mark, Molly is a BUAP : Brown Ursa-American Princess. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, because pretty soon the strip is going to be called Molly and Mark and then just Molly. We’ll see who’s an ‘it’ then.” –Summerhouse

“I’m too urbane and witty for Pluggers, not quite literate enough for 9CL. I’ll always have Mark Trail.” –dramashoes

“The more Anthony burbles on at Liz, the more I realize what a truly unsung heroine — possessed of patience and strength beyond that of we mere mortals — Thérèse must have been to have prevented herself from brutally clubbing him to death with his telescope before she left.” –Jennifer

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Mary Worth, 10/15/06

Can I confess something to you? Like Toby, I’m looking for closure: Closure on the Aldo storyline. Sadly, I think this may be as close as we’re going to get. I think the best we can say about Mary’s thought-balloon trip here, which is redolent of an old Burma Shave ad, is that it’s short and to the point. At least she’s trying to make a good show of things: her moronic trio of friends are just openly gawking at her, as if they’d never seen an act of human kindness before in their lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/15/06

I was going to say that Rex contemplating whether or not June should quit her job without actually, you know, asking June is a bit retrograde, but then I realized that this is coming from the same creative team that’s having June parade about in a towel for our titillation.

It’s interesting that Rex is encouraging the only other medical professional who works in his practice to quit, especially since he recently agreed to help out at a free clinic for uninsured children. Maybe he finds being around his wife such a distasteful reminder of the heterosexual façade that is his life that he’s looking for any way to minimize his contact with her. “Yes, honey, you stay home with little Sarah, while I work at our practice … and the children’s clinic … I’ll be home … next week … maybe …”

Of course, it’s possible I’m misreading this and that Rex is talking about quitting his job for a while. In which case, I’m actually looking forward to the adventures of Rex Morgan, Unshaven and Unemployed Layabout.

Dennis the Menace, 10/15/06

In an attempt to recapture his “menacing” cred, Dennis assumes the powers of divine judgement and condemns Margaret to everlasting hellfire!

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One Big Happy, 10/14/06

See, this is why I read One Big Happy day after day, despite the fact that to my mind the actual punchlines range from the only mildly amusing to (as here) the excruciatingly lame: I think some of the strip’s incidentals are really funny. For instance, in this installment, I love the idea that the Library Lady (who, incidentally, always looks to me to be high as a kite, as she would clearly need to be to deal with these children) has picked a story to read that involves (a) a platypus and (b) the sentence “Maybe we’ll find it in the archives!” (which, if you think about it, just reinforces my “high as a kite” theory).

Marmaduke, 10/14/06

And see, this is why I read Marmaduke day after day: because sometimes it’s totally demented. My theory: Marm has lured these God Squaders to his house in order to eat them.