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Hi and Lois, 1/28/16

“Why can’t we ever have a sleepover?” Trixie thinks. “Why can’t the sun remain forever in the sky, quickly warming our side of the globe beyond the ability of any life to survive, until the seas boil and the air burns away, while the other hemisphere is locked into eternal, icy night?” Fortunately, she isn’t one of those babies who have God-like powers to control time and space with her mind. She can just form adult sentences and concepts but can’t verbalize or act on them, so we really dodged a bullet here.

Judge Parker, 1/28/16

You know, I poke a lot of fun at the Spence-Drivers for their vast wealth and privilege, but let it never be said that they don’t deal with hardships! For instance, Abby spends so much time on her vast, lucrative farm that she’s no longer physically capable of smelling horse shit. Give Sam a few months in his new home office and his nose will be similarly damaged!

Marvin, 1/28/16

Meanwhile, Marvin’s friends, in defiance of all medical logic, are still fully able to experience the toxic miasma that surrounds him at all times. Today, though, the cold weather has caused whatever foul brew is in his diapers to freeze solid. This seems like it would be bad for him, health-wise, so it’s a good thing I don’t care about his well-being.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/16

“So you see, honey, I get to decide who lives and who dies and I have an excuse to ignore you while we eat. It’s what grownups call a ‘win-win.'”