She’s only doing it to establish Worthy Award eligibility in the Best Floating Head category
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Dick Tracy, 8/5/22
Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that Marina did end up throwing herself at Detective Tracy, sexually, but don’t worry: his sense of loyalty to his wife and revulsion at interplanetary miscegenation meant that he spurned her advances so he could do what actually turns him on: detective work wearing a hilariously pointless disguise. If I were one of only three or four humans in an underground Antarctic city, I might be less than confident that just covering my face was enough to ensure anonymity, especially since nobody with Lunarian antennae could properly wear that hood. I’m not the world’s greatest detective, though, so what do I know?
Hi and Lois, 8/5/22
I gotta say, as running gags go, “Chip and his friend in the sailor cap try to break out of their suffocating risk-free suburban lifestyle but have no real idea how to do it” isn’t the worst that Hi and Lois can do. Certainly better than “Trixie thinks she’s friends with the sun” or “Dot and Ditto just aren’t very smart” or the other usual fare we get here.
Mary Worth, 8/5/22
“So I get my full appearance fee? Even if I just appear in a thought balloon? Well, I guess that’s OK then”: What I’m assuming Iris said to Mary Worth management, based on her facial expression here.
156 replies to “She’s only doing it to establish Worthy Award eligibility in the Best Floating Head category”
Mary Worth: Even the Cliff Notes version of Wilbur’s misadventures in love is chocked full of schadenfreudely goodness.
MW: Come on, Wilbur. Zack is the CEO of a successful tech company. He’s probably making at least 10 times your salary, even if you don’t count his stock options. By the way, your salary? I thought you were free-lancing? Are you really getting a salary for spending an hour a day with “Ask Wendy?”. In that case, Zack’s salary must be a hundred times yours.
MW: I’m not sure why Wilbur bothers embellishing the truth when he’s talking to Dawn, who has no doubt heard the real story many times. Unless he’s gaslighting himself into believing his version of events, of course. Anyway, Dawn’s expression says it all: she’s not buying Wilbur’s BS.
A guest appearance by Thorin Oakenshield? Wow, and I thought Little Orphan Annie was a bizarre crossover!
MW: So dad, to cut a long story short, since I’ve been here for all this, what you’re saying is you basically disrespected every woman in your life and then there was a “break up.” and you don’t know why?
Boy, I’m glad that isn’t how I act!
Archie-Uh no, Moose. You are supposed to put Archie on top of Betty.
RMMD-“Where else can I find someone with matching organs?”
MW-“Then there’s Iris. She’s dating a young hunk half my size.”
JP-“I got to ride stable boys.”
FC-Where’s the crazy lady who wants a drink?
Spiderman-“What if they kill you?” “You’ll just have to find a new photographer then.”
H&L: Like all boys, Chip and his friend are dreaming of a daring life of danger, and now they’re finally making their dreams come true. They didn’t quite dare leaving their cellphones at home so they’d get lost in the forest, but now they’ve found a way of putting some edge into their quotidian existence: surely it must be dangerous to eat old chips!
MW: Jeeze the Westons are a reprehensible bunch, ain’t they?
“By the way, your salary? I thought you were free-lancing? Are you really getting a salary for spending an hour a day with “Ask Wendy?””
Don’t forget that the four-page local weekly shopper paper (or whatever it is) that Wilbur writes for also sends him on trips to Japan, Antarctica, South America etc. for his other column, “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.” If Wilbur is factoring in the costs of those jaunts, his effective “salary” is presumably well about the twenty-two dollars and fifty cents or whatever the base for the actual text of those columns might be.
MW-“Then there was my fiancee Susan who died licking poisoned envelopes. No wait that was George Costanza. I always get us confused.”
FW: “Sir, do you have to work at being an unfunny, annoying asshole, or does it come naturally to you?”
MW: Aw, poor Wilbur is down in the dumpeds.
GT: “What I’m saying, Gil, is that you’re a self-absorbed narcissist, and no one could ever love you as much as you do. And now you have another trophy to orgazz over. Enjoy. You’ll never miss us.”
@Pozzo:
“A guest appearance by Thorin Oakenshield? Wow, and I thought Little Orphan Annie was a bizarre crossover!”
A tribe of dwarves must have survived and left Middle Earth for the moon, where they lived peacefully for thousands of years before they were forced to move back. They’ve clearly evolved a lot during their time in low gravity, because they don’t look at all like Tolkien described them. Where are their magnificent beards?
ME. The shock on Dawn’s face is less at Wilbur’s story and more at the fact that, for once, he isn’t dribbling chili sauce down his chin during the telling.
@Liam:
George Costanza at least had a little bit of charisma.
Wilbur Weston has like… the charisma of a potted plant. And not a pretty one like a nice spider plant or an orchid. No like… that green thing that might be some kind of succulent but you’re not sure and you probably over-watered it cause it looks really sad but maybe it needs a little more water cause it’s maybe not a succulent?
Love to tell my daughter about my sexual exploits with “hot” foreign women who turn out to be grifters.
@Shrug:
“Don’t forget that the four-page local weekly shopper paper (or whatever it is) that Wilbur writes for also sends him on trips to Japan, Antarctica, South America etc. for his other column, “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.” If Wilbur is factoring in the costs of those jaunts, his effective “salary” is presumably well about the twenty-two dollars and fifty cents or whatever the base for the actual text of those columns might be.”
Yes, I suppose they pay him a per diem for his travel expenses, and if he lives frugally he can collect some money on each trip (his experiences in Colombia should have taught him not to blow it all on loose women). I still doubt he’ll make anywhere close to half of what Zack earns, though.
The only thing that should ever give Wilbur a warm embrace would be a heated iron maiden.
@miranda2060:
MW: “Love to tell my daughter about my sexual exploits with “hot” foreign women who turn out to be grifters.”
Come to think of it, only Wilbur would brag to his daughter about his sexual exploits. And he shouldn’t be the one doing the talking on that subject; she’s probably had about ten times as many sexual exploits as he has.
MW: There’s a whole subreddit of AITA dedicated to Wilbur Weston.
H&L: Yeah, right, a teenage boy with a bag of chips is worried about a sell-by date. Good one.
MW: After failing to get even a spoonful of chili into her mouth and then listening to her father’s lengthy recital of his failed romantic relationships, Dawn suddenly realizes she is doomed by genetics and is already transmogrifying into a female version of Wilbur.
@Hibbleton:
“MW: There’s a whole subreddit of AITA dedicated to Wilbur Weston.”
I doubt that Wilbur would even consider the thought that he may be the asshole, so I don’t think he’d be posting there. And other people wouldn’t post there either, because they don’t need to ask; they know he is one.
In Wilbur’s memory, his past partners look at him with an expression that is best described as “grudging tolerance,” and that yet it’s still clear that’s a step or twelve above how they actually viewed him
B. Bailey: Sarge is doing some kind of ritual dance in front of the pastor that ends with him slow-motion touching Beetle’s nose with his fist. Are they married now?
Dick Tracy : I would have gone with the fact that Dick isn’t covering up those incredibly distinctly human eyes of his, but “obviously didn’t have antennas” might actually be more important, since that’s silhouette and thus something that can be noticed even when not getting a good, clear look at him.
*******
Heart of the City : I wonder which it is :
a) Kat : …I’d say “Thank Goodness I always wear red shorts”, but they’re completely SOAKED through and through! …I thought it’d be just a few drops, not several murder scenes worth….
b) Kat : …Whatever you do, Charlotte, don’t come in the stall. We’ve known each other for a while, but there’s still something you don’t know about me that I don’t want you to find out by walking on me while I’m in the bathroom. Especially because some people who don’t know wouldn’t want us to be in the same bathroom if they knew…
…Yeah, definitely too far…*******
Hi & Lois : is Chip’s friend sailor outfit(? he has the hat, at least…) supposed to be similar shorthand as if he was wearing a “Little Lord Fauntleroy” outfit, as in “look at that mama’s boy who still has his parents dress him instead of doing it himself”? Because if so, I wouldn’t be throwing stones at how uncool my best friend is.
********
Mary Worth : The past is how you remember it : Wilbur and Iris definitely broke up AFTER he returned from his trip, he definitely didn’t break up with her over the phone on his first day in Colombia BEFORE he even knew the Colombian lady was even interested!
*******
Safe Havens : …these characters are supposed to have personalities?
Though I guess “Samantha Argus = Control Freak” is a good enough
excuseexplanation for why she so jealously guards the secret of the Magic DNA potions, and the way she treats her test subjects…DT Nice to see that even the moon has vaguely ethnic villains doing their dirty deeds. Makes identifying the goodies and baddies a lot easier.
H&L I get that there’s not much to do in the plastic fantastic world of Hi and Lois, but shouldn’t these two be trying to smoke banana peels or dining spoonfuls of nutmeg? Did you know that you can extract DMT from ditchgrass with lye and naphtha? C’mon guys, get creative!
MW Hey, Mary Worth, quick note: these stories you’re referencing weren’t that exciting the first time around and the recaps you’re doing don’t seem to have much of a …point? So yeah, if this whole thing was just to have a cameo by Iris, we’re really not here for it.
@Oversized Garden Ornament:
I doubt that Wilbur would even consider the thought that he may be the asshole…
Funny and true but of the little I’ve read of AITA, those are exactly the type of people who post these questions.
DT: Gotta love the little “service entry” translation at the bottom of the third panel. As if the reader is supposed to think, “Oh, wow! They have service entries on the moon! They’re so like us in so many ways!”
H&L: “Livin’ on the edge, my man. Just like that Aerosmith song that came out in … 1993?! How old are we supposed to be?”
MW: Yeah, Wilbur, he’s only making twice your salary. Just keep telling yourself that.
@Hibbleton:
MW: “I doubt that Wilbur would even consider the thought that he may be the asshole…
Funny and true but of the little I’ve read of AITA, those are exactly the type of people who post these questions.”
Yes; I’ve read very little of AITA, but indeed the point of the questions usually seem to be “I don’t think I’m TA here, could you please confirm that?”. But I think Wilbur is so sure that he’s the wronged party that he doesn’t need that kind of reassurance.
H&L:
Sitting in their cells, the notorious teenage thrill killers lament; “It all started with an expired bag of chips.”
MW: If this exasperatingly long sequence ends with the admission that Wilbur once fucked Mary, it would have all been worth it.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: Yeah. Just look at how he characterizes Zack in terms of looks and money, implying that Iris only went for him out of greed and lust. The fact that Zack actually demonstrated that he cared about her as a person was apparently not a factor.
After the setup in the first two panels, I expected the third panel to show Dick Tracy in a toilet stall.
“MW: If this exasperatingly long sequence ends with the admission that Wilbur once fucked Mary, it would have all been worth it.”
Well, she does seem to have a sweet spot for him. Why else is she consistently defending him, insisting that all his character flaws are just “endearing quirks”, and gaslight other people into forgiving him for really quite inexcusable behaviour?
I’d be prepared to go one step further, though: what if Wilbur is currently Mary’s secret lover? That could explain why her relationship with the good doctor is so cool; she’s just using him as a beard, because she could never admit having an affair with Wilbur – good gracious, she does have a reputation to defend!
S4: Ted, your daughter is displaying organic mental illness. This isn’t about just validating her feelings.
Luann: Junior-high plot resolved by a talk from an adult with no conflict, competition, or drama. Ambition shot down.
Phantom: Beyond lazy to bring a dream sequence to a screeching halt with days of static images.
Arlo and Janis: Janis realizes that she still looks good in a T-shirt without a bra. Good for her and for Arlo; too bad for the audience that the comic is not drawn by Mike Manley.
DT: This is a terrible plan. At best Dick will verify that the people he’s been told are plotting to overthrow Earth’s governments really are doing that, even though his word on the subject carries no value and the perpetrators would have to go public long before enacting their plan anyway. Even if he’s getting physical proof, his participation instead of a moonman agent is unnecessary at best. But if he gets caught then the Moon
GovernorAmbassador will be disgraced and ousted and the New Luna Order will have their casus belli for their invasion of Perfidious Terra.MW: Is it just me or does Wilbur turn into a TMZ reporter anytime he’s talking about Zak?
JP: Reena’s had a lot of page time in this soap in the past year, but could anyone list a single defining trait about her?
GT: Given how insane this strip is now, I can’t even guess as to whether Thorp daughter Keri has been retconned to be adopted, retconned to be somehow dark-skinned despite her lily-white biological parents, retconned to be the offspring of Mimi’s past infidelity, or if the colorist just didn’t give a damn. Also, Gil is becoming less and less sympathetic as we learn that he’s passing on visiting Mimi’s (or possibly his own) dying mother in favor of going to self-gratifying awards ceremonies and flirting with other women. Not that Gil was ever particularly likable in the first place, but you know.
@Tom T.:
“Phantom: Beyond lazy to bring a dream sequence to a screeching halt with days of static images.”
I’m puzzled by this as well, because it doesn’t really make sense.
Because this isn’t even a dream sequence, is it? Isn’t it just the Ghost visualizing Mozz’s prophesy as he’s telling it? I mean, I can imagine Mozz saying “Your life is being replayed before your dying eyes”, but not that he lists all the mental imagery in such a detailed way.
I can only conclude that the creator is either lazy (buying time by stalling the narrative) or incompetent (trying to make the story more emotionally engaging, but failing and boring the audience instead).
MW – And let’s not forget Wilbore’s college sweetheart/mother of his not-son.
@jroggs:
“JP: Reena’s had a lot of page time in this soap in the past year, but could anyone list a single defining trait about her?”
Apart from “having no sense of personal space” or “being incredibly nosy about the personal lives of people she hardly knows” or “being in the habit of asking embarrassing questions at the most inopportune times”? No, apart from that, it’s probably just “being a woman of colour” (which is unusual in these social circles) and “having big boobs” (which is the norm in this strip).
MW: “A hot lady in Colombia who effortlessly bled me dry, after which I had the balls to expect Iris to come running back to me.” There, Wilbur, I fixed it for you.
RMMD: Oh, the suspense! Whose diagnosis will come back first- Rex’s or the mechanic’s? Will Tildy need new shocks and struts??
S4th: A bad case of Constantly Freaked Out About Nothing Syndrome.
FW: Funky’s wife ( Fluffy? Trixie? Twinkie?) needs to drag his ass out of there by the seat of his pants and lock him in the car. With the window cracked, I guess, it’s hot in Ohio right now.
@jroggs:
“DT: This is a terrible plan. At best Dick will verify that the people he’s been told are plotting to overthrow Earth’s governments really are doing that, even though his word on the subject carries no value and the perpetrators would have to go public long before enacting their plan anyway.”
I think the Ambassador knows Dick well enough to know that Dick doesn’t need enough evidence to go public or take anyone to court; he just needs enough evidence to convince himself that these are bad guys who need to be shot.
MW: Wilbur’s cavalcade of romantic humiliations was not on the menu but it’s a surprise I like!
36 – GAH! That Gil Thorp artwork was freakin’ horrifying. Gil looks like a grinning skull. Can’t decide which of them is more hideously-deformed looking. They’re all at least a 7 on the (pre-Jules) Rusty Scale.
DT – “I’ll disguise myself as ‘The Street Sweeper’ – no-one will ever know.
MW – Love how Dawn turns to her father for comfort only to have Wilbur make it all about him. That’s another good trait to have, Dawn. Guys are really into narcissistic vipers.
9CL: Ah yes, “beatnik,” a very popular culture with 30-somethings. I’m guessing that’s what the Duggars here are supposed to be.
Luann: I bet that broken thing was something that belonged to Stef.
After gulping down the stale potato mush, Chip stares thoughtfully at the bag of fried snacks in his hand. “Dude,” he shouts, desperate for any sort of excitement to break up the tedium, “isn’t this, like, cannibalism?”
His friend’s half-lidded eyes droop even further. “You made that joke last week, too,” he mutters.
@Catt:
Oh that nails it Catt!
Wilbur entertains a rare burst of honest introspection: “What I’m saying, Dawn, is that the best we Westons can ever hope to do is to grab whatever sex we can when we can. Enjoying any mutually meaningful long-term relationship is completely out of the question because for us, loving and being loved is just not viable. By our own thoughts, impulses, and actions, we are unlovable. Now stop crying, dear, and pass me that ladle. Mmmmm *snork* after we pound down the rest of this chili, we can watch boxing on TV tonight!”
For Dawn’s benefit, Wilbur is picturing Iris as Jared with slightly longer hair.
Dustin: Kelley must have watched that very recent Simpsons episode, where Homer sagely stated, “To alcohol. The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”
FC: “And the subway is filled with drugs and the gays!”
MW: Wait, Wilbur is recognizing happiness in some other person?!? Maybe he did suffer some brain damage in that misadventure on the cruise ship.
CS: Mitch! Now is the perfect time to kick the bastard in the shins!
FW: “Ha haha! EveryONE is so happy that you’re wasting their time. By the way, this ledger says you live at…”
“I fell for a hot lady down in Colombia during my travels”
“Thanks for specifically mentioning she was hot, Dad, I really needed to hear that from you.”
Panel one of Dick Tracy is weird. That guy’s bulging manic blue eyes look like he’s in a murderous rage, like she should flee for her life right now but no they’re just doing dishes and gossiping. Panel 2: a coat folded on a bed might have been sexually suggestive— in 1880. Definetly worth spending 66% of the strip to set up for Dick chasing criminals.
JP: With her departure back to school imminent, Reena decides to go for it and see if Abbey’s boobs are real.
FC: Jeffy trips and falls hard on the grate face first. Billy takes out a crayon and draws an X on Jeffy’s forehead; “Your move Dolly.”
@taig:
very recent Simpsons episode
Homer Simpsons vs the 18th Amendment aired nearly TWO DECADES ago…
MW: So, uh… is this still part of the Dawn storyline or are we moving on to a Wilbur clip show now?
MW: I know the “we” in panel two refers to Wilbur and Iris, but out of context, it seems to be referring to Wilbur and Dawn. *That’s* a direction I don’t want to see this storyline taking.
The extent to which Zak, without even trying, left an open wound of emasculation across Wilbur’s psyche that will never begin to heal is why Zak is the best Mary Worth character, even when off-camera for years at a time. I hope this plot ends with him looking up the pay of the average tech CEO and the average local advice columnist and realizing how optimistic “twice my salary” was.
MW: So, to review: we’ve explored the romantic escapades of Ian Cameron and his college paramour, Helen Moss; Toby and Cal; Jared and Dawn; Wilbur and Gail, Iris, Fabiana, and Estelle. You’d think this condo complex would have at least ONE couple that enjoys a normal, healthy relationship. But the common theme is dysfunctional failure. Makes you wonder if there’s a noxious black mold or some other toxin lurking within the walls of Charterstone–or if it’s just Mary and her Salmon Squares.
@Anonymous: Yeah, sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet.
A&J: Is this month the no-bra month in legacy comics? Lately, we’ve had Sophie in JP; Dawn, Cathy, Jess and Toby in MW; and now Janis. I’m just waiting for Luann to have a bra-burning story arc (but we’ll probably see heel freezing over before that happens).
JP: What Abbey will really miss about Sophie is her ability to unexpectedly pull Reena out of her ass whenever the conversation calls for it.
@Anonymous:
“very recent Simpsons episode
Homer Simpsons vs the 18th Amendment aired nearly TWO DECADES ago…”
And your point is?
DT: Uh-huh. Suuure I believe that Dick turned down Marina because of “loyalty to his wife.” We all know what “Service Entrance” is totally a euphemism for!
He’s either gone to BUST the Lunarian gay scene or to join in, possibly both. Antarctica’s official lack of laws mean that Dick is out to apply (his own self-tailored interpretation of) the lex naturalis, baby!
H&L: Bored privileged teens, eh? Foolishly holding out hope that we’re about to be treated to a killing spree!
I love that Wilbur is taking every opportunity to remind his daughter that he pulls …
DT: Thanks to the editor’s note, we know what the sign says above the doorway, but not what it says on the shirt of the guy near Dick. It seem s too short to be “I don’t know what to do with my hands when I walk.”
MW: “Twice my salary.” That’s adorable, Wilbur.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: MW: if Zach only twice his salary Wilbur is grossly, hilariously overpaid by the Santa Clara Fishwrap.
JP: Just how long does it take to get an Uber ride in Cavelton? Reena called for one over a week ago.
MW: If this is the first time Dawn has heard of the Fabiana debacle she’s probably thinking, “What? You plunked down $7,000 for a Columbian grifter at the drop of a hat but you squealed like a stuck pig when I spent too much on a pair of shoes”.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
“JP: Just how long does it take to get an Uber ride in Cavelton? Reena called for one over a week ago.”
Time works differently for college students in soap strips. Dawn over in MW has been in college for 20 years and still hasn’t graduated.
@Charterstoned:
“MW: So, to review: we’ve explored the romantic escapades of Ian Cameron and his college paramour, Helen Moss; Toby and Cal; Jared and Dawn; Wilbur and Gail, Iris, Fabiana, and Estelle. You’d think this condo complex would have at least ONE couple that enjoys a normal, healthy relationship.”
Don’t forget Ian’s romance-that-never-was-one with his student and Dawn’s with about half the male population of Charterstone.
MW: Wilbur is, once again, creeping the bejeebers out of me. I have always tried to be open when I talk to my children, but I have never taken it as far as sitting down with them and regaling them with the history of my sexual misadventures.
GT — Meanwhile, back in Milford, it appears that Gil hasn’t been “reaching the playdowns” enough lately for Mimi
MW: Wilbur, tell your daughter what else Zak is packing that’s probably twice yours.
Chip tests his month-old marihuana edibles to see if they’ve gone bad. Chip eats a chip to test if the chip is good for Chip. Did his buddy chip in? Is he really a chip off the old block? His mind expands and he sees all the chips, chips of wood burning, chip shots arcing toward the inevitable hole, chips sliding across green felt as fortunes rise and fall, chips pulsing with electricity as they turn zeros into ones and ones into zero and make the world work, CHIPs on motorcycles cruising down the 101 at sunset, and he turns to his friend and starts to speak in the Chip language of Nigeria and they both realize at once that this edible, at least, gets better with age.
MW: “What I’m saying Dawn is that if you were a hot lady, you could get a guy, maybe even one with money.”
DT: Dick, if you’re busted in that clumsy disguise of yours start singing in your best baritone voice, Don Giovanni!
DT: Time to ditch my cartoon spy costume and put on my cartoon grim reaper costume.
Luann: I’m not caffeinated enough to laugh at the cheerleader avatar because of the broken item that, in my mind, cost more than the GDP of Finland and Sweden combined.
GA: I’m not caffeinated enough to yell in Morbo tones about how woefully ignorant Scancarelli about orbital mechanics and Martian entry into its atmosphere.
FW: I’m not caffeinated enough to deal with Funky’s adolescent obstinance. Someone get one of the teaches from Big Nate or Curtis.
GT: Okay, New Guy, you’re doing good. Now let’s not fuck up and steer clear of Moy Territory.
DT: “There are times when the detective leaves Neo-Chicago and walks the streets of New Moon Valley like an ordinary Lunarian.”
Mary Worth: Open Google calendar, add event, one-half hour repeating for the next two weeks: “Read about Wilbur’s romantic failures,” and done!
“Hi & Lois”? More like “High & Lois” today! Because there’s no way Chip’s not high. If only there was one more panel where we could see the two lads giggling about Chip eating chips.
***
It would be nice to think that when Wilbur gets to the end of this stroll down memory lane he realizes he’s been the problem all along. Sigh. It would be nice, but somehow when he gets to the end of these stories he’ll find himself smitten with, say, a Jehovah’s Witness woman who knocked on his door and it’ll end up with him returning months later from being press ganged onto a shady cargo ship with a new girlfriend who’ll dump him after finding he left his daughter sitting at the table for all this time waiting for him to finish his ramblings.
@Voshkod: Fairly confident that Chip chirps, his testicles having yet to descend.
Oh, how I’d love to edit that second one.
GA: The rocket flew from the Earth to Mars in only a few minutes? Wow, even light takes 22 minutes to get there when it’s at its closest.
These guys are not the idiots we thought they were. They must be super geniuses!
…or, on second thought, they really are idiots and it’s the sheer weight of their stupidity that causes the fabric of space-time to break down, allowing instant travel. That’s more in line with their usual shticks.
After yesterday’s Wilbur archives, I wanted more. I wanted to see his friends serving him one too many beers.
The good news is that Komics Kondom has archives going back to 1993 and beyond.
The bad news is that it’s Komics Kondom, which means that it’s site doesn’t work worth a shit.
I went to the archives of the Minneapolis Dead Tree. Unfortunately, they didn’t carry Mary Worth back then. Anyone know of some newspapers I can access on newspapers.com that did carry Mary then?
Lockhorns: The social services worker thinks; “Alibi all you like, lady. This guys nuts!”
Mary Worth: A psychologist specializing in personality disorders once told me psychopaths get into treatment after their third divorce, wondering what the problem might be. Narcissists come in to find out what’s wrong with the people they’ve been seeing. Wilbur…Wilbur is a diagnostic code unto himself.
Chip eating chips? Sure, cannibalism IS a solution to suburban boredom, just not one I’d endorse.
FW: When Funky retells this story to Les, he’s likely going to include how he made the seminar guy piss himself when in reality he’s going to take the chair and beat him over the head with it.
MW: “It’s all everyone else’s fault, Dawn. I may be a drunk, a cheat, and an animal abuser but that’s their problem, not mine!”
@Oversized Garden Ornament: Funny enough, the gaslighting game worked with Dawn since when she saw Iris after the break up, she gave Iris her best pouty brat look as if she was trying to be intimidating.
RMMD: Andrzej is lying through his teeth; he’s more than likely wondering if he can manage to get Tildy into a home (the crooked kind of home on 60 Minutes) while finding out how to expand the house so that the Caddy gets her own bedroom. It’s like that episode of My Strange Addiction with the man who’s in love with his car to the point where he even had sex with it somehow…
Dick Tracy: “Tracy doing the horizontal mambo with Marina? Ha! No, Liska. He’s busy humping his one true love: Sig Sauer.”
Six Chix: “…at my plastic surgeon, having a neck installed.”
DT: To be fair Tracy did ditch his bright yellow trench coat and hat, a disguise which has at least as much probability of success as “Clark Kent but no glasses.”
MW: I’m guessing Dawn has heard this monologue at least once a week, and the reassurance that she’s not quite as pathetic as her father is starting to lose its luster.
MW: I wonder what happened to the divorce rate in Santa Clara after Wilbur became Wendy, and the alcoholism and suicide rates as well.
A much better approach artistically and logistically would be if Tracy wore fake antennae and eye makeup to make himself look Lunarian.
@Professor Well Actually: We never will known about the latter after that gaslighting harpy Mary Worth talked Wilbur out of jumping from Kelrast Kurve instead of filling the Simpsons prophecy of convincing a friend to commit suicide.
9CL: What’s beatnik for “We’re the closest thing to likable characters that Brooke is capable of producing?”
FW: Holly has stood by Funky for a lot—his alcoholism, feeding Les Moore’s toxic ego, having the name “Funky Winkerbean”—but if anything can break this marriage now I think this continuing ed estate planning seminar could be the camel’s back breaking straw.
GT: Mimi’s pulling away from Gil and she’s remembered that they have kids. Was Milford sports a cult he converted her to, and now she’s been deprogrammed? That would actually account for a lot.
MT: Jules Rivera isn’t 100% sure that readers will hate Honest Ernest to the degree she wants them to, so she’s having him speak in rhyming doggerel.
Mary Worth: Come to think of it, Iris’ expression is less “I resent having to make this cameo” and more “Are you really going to make me hold up a newspaper as proof of life?” It’s not because she’s in Wilbur’s thought bubble; that’s just what it’s like being his girlfriend.
love is… an advertising slogan.
DT – *Be Sure to Guard Against Moon Covid….
H&L – It says “Best” if used by – since when have you ever merited best….
MW – No to mention, half your weight and twice the hair. Also, his karaoke rendition of Fernando is to die for….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Family Circlejerk: Dolly saw what happened to Marilyn Monroe standing on an open grate and decided – since she goes commando – that she better not do it.
MW: “Huh. Now that I’m saying it out loud, it occurs to me that maybe we should stop putting so much energy into dating, and work on ourselves for awhile. If I got more serious about my job, I bet I could qualify for a higher salary. And you could finish college. I mean, Jesus, how many decades does it take to earn a two year degree?”
9CL: “I want to be Catholic but with more boinking” is an excellent summary of Brooke’s mindset.
C’shaft: “A-hem, I SAID, ‘…is getting back up’! Dammit, what’s the point of delivering these zingers if there’s nobody around to appreciate them?”
FW: “Okay, this is something I don’t normally do, but let’s talk about how to murder a spouse without negating their life insurance policy…”
HotC: Cue angry letters to the editor in three, two…
RMMD: You’ve had two ER visits in twenty-four hours; I wouldn’t get your hopes up on replacing that car in your lifetime either…
@pastordan: How dare you. Dick Tracy is a true American hero. He humping a Colt or a Smith and Wesson.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: #83: Try the Houston Chronicle archives. They’ve been carrying Mary Worth since at least the 80s.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: Yeah, unfortunately those attributes apply to all the members of the extended Forth family that make up Judge Parker‘s cast. I would say that this soap has decent WoC representation, but Manley doesn’t have a very versatile stylus and it’s often hard to tell without context (or sometimes even with) whether we’re looking at Ronnie, Toni, Reena, or a cameo appearance from The Phantom.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
“Family Circlejerk: Dolly saw what happened to Marilyn Monroe standing on an open grate and decided – since she goes commando – that she better not do it.”
That sounds unlikely. The Keane family have always been very keen (pun intended) on keeping up at least the appearance of high moral standards, so them letting Dolly go commando would only be slightly less improbable than Thel burning her bra, which has about the same probability as there being two Thursdays in a week.
A middle-aged man working up a sweat telling his young daughter about his former girlfriend dating a “young hunk”. Okay, that’s wholesome.
9CL – As obscure pop culture references go, beatniks are the ginchiest!
“Threads” may have survived into the 70s, but none of the current cast of 9CL were born by then, except for thorax and horrible crone nazi fuckin gemma.
Our author seems to have not updated his connection to pop culture since beginning the strip in the early 90s. And he was already decades out of date by then. Can we look forward to him suddenly discovering AOL and acid wash jeans? Or finally watching “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” and locking himself in the bathroom for a whole week to relive the Phoebe Cates swimming pool scene? At least hope he remembers to lock the door….
@jroggs:
Yes – I lquite ike Manley’s art style, but I have one big problem with it: it’s hard to tell the characters apart. Especially the WoCs.
There was an episode of The Office where Michael discovered he might have herpes and had to contact all of his exes. I think that’s where we are headed with this.
Gil Thorp: Gotta say, I enjoyed not having the Thorp children around doing nothing besides establishing Gil as a Good American Family Man, so I was dismayed when they were re-mentioned. BUT, if they have just been resurrected as a way to remove Mimi in order to transition to Gil Thorp: Positive Mentor to Teenagers, Innovative Coach, and Ethically Slutty Horndog for all the Milford Milfs, I am in!
@Peanut Gallery: Love means never having to say I can’t afford it….
@Needless_Exposition:
MW: “Funny enough, the gaslighting game worked with Dawn since when she saw Iris after the break up, she gave Iris her best pouty brat look as if she was trying to be intimidating.”
That could have been pure selfishness on Dawn’s part. As long as Iris was dating Wilbur, she kept him out of Dawn’s hair. Living with Wilbur must be quite frustrating at times, and Dawn was probably glad to have the condo to herself at least part of the time.
FC – Not only is Dolly a moron, she’s a mean moron.
FW – Why is the advisor putting up with this crap? If he calls on Funky at all, he should say, “Yes? If you have a real question, that is.” If Funky continues the obnoxious routine, the advisor should throw him out. The rest of the audience isn’t there to hear Funky spouting off.
JP – Reena looks like she’s going to break into a rousing rendition of “Stop! In the Name of Love.”
9CL – Didn’t the ex priest used to be an Amos clone, i.e. on the dweeby side? When did he turn into a Seth in training, physique wise?
Moon Ambassador helps with the dishes. Theirs truly is an advanced civilization.
GA: If that rocket really is that fast, Slim should expect a visit from the Vulcans, landing their spaceship outside his shop, to establish First Contact.
Vintage A3G – Funky Winkerbean has some real competition for the most obnoxious, insufferable character in the comics. Tommie should see a psychiatrist herself if she thinks she’s in love with Bradley. He’s an entitled asshole.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: I could see that. To be honest, I really don’t think Dawn and Wilbur have a great relationship with each other in that she sees him as a walking ATM so that she can keep going to college, live rent free in his condo, and not have to actually do anything productive but she can’t stand being around him and avoids it whenever possible.
@TheDiva: DT/MW: Dick saw Comics Curmudgeon yesterday and can’t bear the thought of looking like Wilbur.
9cl: Let me fix this for you: “I never left the church, I just abandoned my flock that I had solemnly and publicly promised to care for at my ordination.”
FC: Way to go, Bil. Wear that stupid camera around your neck and let every mugger and street hustler know you’re some rube from flyover country and an easy mark.
I don’t comment much these days as I am a gawker of better comments than I could ever produce, but these new Wilburonian developments have me up in arms and can’t help myself and throw some peanuts from the peanut gallery.
For instance:
1. What’s with Toby’s perpetual scowl in the old-1990s strip style (strip style lol) – she looks perpetually annoyed. What if she’s buying lemonade from a kid’s lemonade stand? Is she going to have that “WTF is this **@t ” look?
2. 1990s Chinbeard looks like he is actually growing WOOL from that chin, that is not hair, man.
3. Was Wilbur moonlighting as McGruff the Crime Dog before moving into Charterstone?
4. Charterstone is NOT Central Park – there is no reason there should be two kitchens in any of those units – maybe they are counting a hotplate as a kitchen, which in Wilbur’s case he needs one.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: #60: Dawn Weston and Luann deGroot must think they’re giving out some big reward to whoever can make the longest career out of obtaining an associate’s degree.
MW – “Let me tell you about ANOTHER woman who was way out of my league and yet agreed to date me anyway, and eventually wised up and dumped my ass. Tale as old as time, I tell you.”
My turn in the box.
From Morcock69 (PREMIUM MEMBER!)
Whelp.
Nice to see that Les is just as useless as ever.
Now as to ladies.
Bets and Tiffany? Are you two ready to place that phone call to Simone of Souffle and get your feet in the door for a real Summer job next year?
Had you done that, you two could have been interning in Paris instead of babysitting “folk’s” Junk for the Summer.
The ever-reliable Brdshtt chimed in (regarding how Tif and Bets could have been in Paris:
As they go floating nude down the Seine.
. . . giving Morcock69 the opportunity for this brilliant riposte:
That’s okay.
Gunther has seen them BOTH naked anyhoo. ;-)
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
” floating nude down the Seine.”
Not that you could expect the Luann truefans to bother with things like actual reality, but in real life public nudity (or even toplessness) within city limits would get them arrested for public indecency, just as in the US.
HI & LOIS: The boys are more daring than you think. They’re actually eating the processed remains of the previous kids to play “Chip.”
Chip VI: “Esophaguses usually don’t preserve well, but I like to live dangerously, so what the hell”
Oh God, we’re going through all of Wilbur’s relationships past. This is like High Fidelity, but without the music, well-written characters, likable actors, or attractive leads. This is really Low Fidelity. Like barely audible Fidelity. Could you maybe try standing with one foot on the wall while holding the antenna fidelity.
DICK TRACY:
At the Mortal Kombat cosplay convention, apparently.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
“Dawn Weston and Luann deGroot must think they’re giving out some big reward to whoever can make the longest career out of obtaining an associate’s degree.”
So it seems, but they must still look in awe at another comic’s achievement:
Marvin just turned 40 and is still not potty trained.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: And doing it in the Seine would get them hepatitis.
@Voshkod:
“And doing it [floating nude] in the Seine would get them hepatitis.”
Very probably, though the river is getting cleaner. I got curious and looked it up, and it turns out swimming in the Seine was so dangerous due to pollution that it was banned already in the 1920s. The authorities plan to clean it up enough to allow swimming in the near future (in time for the 2024 Olympics, to be precise).
The irritation over public nudity which led to sharpened legislation apparently was caused by female tourists sunbathing topless on the river banks and at local public pools, not in the actual river. French women may go topless on the Mediterranean beaches but, despite rumours to the contrary, they do wear clothes elsewhere.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: But I heard there was a place in France . . . .
In an ordinary week, yesterday’s SALLY FORTH would win the coveted “WHHAAAA? Award” for most improbable dialogue of the week, with Hilary’s
“Steve was covered in houses! My phone was a 1985 calculator! Everyone on this street is staring at me! What does it all matter?”
Unfortunately, this was no ordinary week, since Hilary was up against the Tuesday DICK TRACY:
“Have you learned anything more about a conquest of Earth?” “Not really.”
FC: (What we’d like to see)–Daddy won’t buy Jeffy his model railroad set–the subway. So Jeffy walks across the grill, it collapses and he falls downward–not to the subway, but to the sewer and then to the New York dump. Followed by Dolly, Billy, PJ and last, but not least, Mommy and Daddy. Later the melonheads emerge, all covered with garbage . . .
I know I’m late to the party from yesterday, but it looks like boorish Ian used to be the best character in the strip.
Crank, yesterday: Earlier this week, when I imagined some dialogue for Hannah that suggested she and Max were just turning up to the studio without warning on the assumption that the entire time they’d been at the Valentine their jobs were being held for them, I was kidding. And even in the depths of my sarcasm, I didn’t imagine her being right.
MT: GASP! The Bad Exterminator Guy Who Hates Bees, employed by the Bad Gardening Women Who Hate Nature, is responsible for the pesticide problem! Who could possibly have predicted this shocking twist? Oh, right, me, a person who is regularly outwitted by the Slylock Fox puzzle, basically as soon as I was told there was a pesticide problem.
MW: I mean, honestly, Wilbur, if you’re really trying to spin “I dumped Iris for a younger woman, but she turned out to be a con-artist, and then Iris wouldn’t take me back no matter how much I stalked her” into something that makes you look more like a victim and less like the problem, why stop at “I fell for a younger woman, and the complicated situation this caused led to Iris and my probably mutual break-up”? Why not decide that actually, Iris dumped you because she’d met Zak, and that was what sent you into the arms of Fabiana? The past is how you remember it! (And if you’re worried that pushing thing too far may lead to Dawn questioning it, you have dramatically over-estimated how engaged she is in this conversation.)
Phantom: It’s taken me a while to register this, because the current thrilling tale of Stripey crouched behind a rock barely impinges on my consciousness even when I’m actively reading it, but is the new guy permanent now, or does Phantom have a longer lead-time than Judge Parker?
RMMD: “I care about you much more than the car, which is fine. A car I can replace, but the important thing is that I don’t have to, because it’s fine. If the car wasn’t fine, my main concern would still be you, probably, but thankfully we’ll never know!”
Pluggers: So, what’s the joke? Do Pluggers conceal two cantaloupes and/or a kielbasa in their clothes when at the grocery store, as gender-or-otherwise-appropriate? Oh, wait, I get it. It’s an attempt to conceal their life-threatening overweight condition. Well, it doesn’t succeed, I can tell you that. Especially when they then block the aisles in the electric carts provided for the disabled.
@White Rabbit: I just took it as a joke about how high the air—conditioning tends to be in American grocery stores, although I won’t argue the point with any great conviction.
@Rube: Mmmm…could be! Not really part of the old/fat/sick constellation of typical Plugger jokes, but I could go with it.
DT: Honestly, those little pink antennae really squick me out, and it’s not just because of their appearance, which reminds me of teensy delicate genitalia. What really bothers me is that I can’t help but think how easily they could be injured, presumably with acute horrid pain as one result. Just getting a haircut would feel like Russian roulette.
MW: Look at Dawn’s expression. You just know she’s thinking, “Gawd, he really is a fool with no judgment. By the time he’s done, there’ll be nothing left for me to inherit. Not one thin stinkin’ dime.”
@Horace Broon: Re Crank, that really IS what that means???!! I should know better by now than to underestimate Batiuk Bizarre, but still, WOW.
As for MT, we were distinctly told weeks ago, I specifically remember this, that the rash problem was somehow coming from within/inside LoFo. So if it turns out that the rash problem is NOT coming from within/inside LoFo, I will try to summon up some righteous indignation, but really, it’s New MT, so even I am finally reaching the point of who cares.
Long Story Short: When SID gives his client the wrong information.
In The Sticks: Ladies and gentlemen, yet another comic strip GIF.
Ya can’t get THAT in a newspaper.
@I speak Jive: Surely, you can’t expect Brooke to keep up with the wealth of characters who populate the world of 9 Chickweed Lane.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: There goes dinner…
@White Rabbit: re Pluggers: I think Rube is right – Pluggers can’t handle the air-conditioning in stores. This is a subcategory of “Pluggers are old.” I’ve known many oldsters who keep their heat set in the 80s and only turn on the air-conditioner for guests. Though most in that group are no longer able to go shopping alone.
@Poteet: #141: I gave up on Mark Trail months ago, except for the Sunday installments, which are informative and not part of the continuing storyline. It also means that like Marvin, Gasoline Alley, and Slylock Fox I can just scroll past the comments on CC, saving me inumerable amounts of time.
9CL I made the mistake of posting today on the 9CL FB page, pointing out that suddenly the Dury’s, or whatever their name is, acquired thee more kids in the past two year and they’ve all aged rather rapidly, Mark Mitchell, as expected put me in my place:
“The strip progresses in only a very approximately linear fashion. Leaps forward, jumps backward, and stories that take a year or more but make little impact on the time progression of the characters are its stock in trade.
Real world time constraints are immaterial. Reeling backward fifteen years, or jumping ahead ten or more, as in today’s strip, are its stock in trade. Brooke follows his own muse, not anyone else’s picayune carpings. And it is not intended as an interactive enterprise amenable to reader input.
Chickweed is not a documentary. It is a malleable fantasy world with incredibly engaging, quirky, talented, erudite characters, and offbeat artwork. Don’t like that free-form approach? Then don’t follow Chickweed because you will be keenly disappointed.
@Unca $crooge: That’s a lot of words to say, “Brooke is shit at his job. Don’t expect that to change.”
@146 Arabella: Saturday Night Live covered this exact topic.
@taig: Also, that post has a loooot of “Notice me, Senpai” energy.
@Unca $crooge: Maybe you should comment back, “Got it. Don’t like being lectured by arrogant, pretentious, condescending pricks? Then don’t follow 9CL’s Facebook page.”
@Arabella: One wonders how the oldsters in San Francisco manage. There if the temperature goes over 85°, it’s a heat wave, and old people die like flies. I guess it’s all in what you’re used to.
@Peanut Gallery: Whatcha got against pricks?
@Unca $crooge: WOW. Thank you for taking the time to post that. I admit to having wondered occasionally, in days of yore, what 9CL Trufans are like. And now you have given me some idea.
“Picayune carpings” being a major reason I visit CC, I shall avoid that FB page like a nudist avoids Cholla cactus.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Like you, I’m going to keep following the Sundays. But also the dailies for awhile, at least until the rash is identified. And then, who knows. It may depend on how many of Sid’s clients show up.