Into the past and/or future
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Crankshaft, 1/16/23
Now that Funky Winkerbean has vanished into the future, you may be wondering what happened to the Crankshaft zone of the Funkyverse, left abandoned by its parent reality in a sector of the space-time continuum that corresponds to our present day. Well, the first couple weeks of 2023 were dominated by a classic (?) Crankshaft bit involving Ed’s bus being full of glitter (??) from holiday sweaters (???), but now we’re ready to get back to a core Funkyverse concern: dumb old comic books that turn out to be incredibly valuable. I will feel genuinely irritated if Lillian here makes a visit over to Westview to sell this thing, providing an opportunity for some “special guest appearances” less than a month after Funky Winkerbean ended. At least Frasier had enough dignity to wait until its second season to do an episode with Sam Malone in it.
The Phantom, 1/16/22
I’m not even going to get into the extremely long Phantom plot we’re in the middle of, except to tell you enough to set up today’s strip, which takes place in the middle of a jailbreak our hero and his Bandar friends are doing at Gravelines Prison in Rhodia. Now, Rhodia is the Rhodesia-equivalent bad guys of the Phantom post-colonial southern Africa parallel universe, and its government is spoken of in hushed tones as quite sinister, but honestly the agents of this so-called fascist state don’t really live up to their fearsome reputation. I’m particularly charmed by this guy, staring at his dead comrade and just doing a sitcomy “Arrow!? — Are you kidding me!? — Aw jeez! — Can’t believe they’re shootin’ at us with bows and arrows over here! — Who woulda thunk it!?” bit.
Crock, 1/16/22
Today’s Crock rerun has seen its meaning completely transformed by the passage of time even as its content remains the same. When published, the joke was about how the kids don’t listen to teachers and authority figures because they’re all listening to their newfangled iPod gadgets. But today, it offers another chapter in the sad, poignant story of the Lost Patrol, who have been wandering isolated in the desert for so long that its members are still using iPods, a product Apple stopped making six years ago.
195 replies to “Into the past and/or future”
FW: What other colors of raven are there?
@Uncle Lumpy: The Crusades of The White Raven had to be discontinued in 1957, after mass protests by the NAACP. This is its obscure successor comic.
Slylock Fox-Sounds like the thief is Count Weirdly.
RMMD-“When’s Mom coming home?” If I was June never.
MW-“No, Jeff, I will not marry you.”
JP-“What’s going on?” I don’t know. I don’t write this stuff I just read it.
FC-Later. “Hello, Emergency. I need a bugle removed.”
Spiderman-“That MJ Parker was great! Shame about the guy she married though!”
Black Raven comics are really valuable, because the DC Comics lawyers had most of them pulped because of, according to the judge, “plagiarism made even more odious by the lack of effort to conceal it”
Crock: Playing Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien by Piaf on continuous loop, no doubt.
Crankshaft – Tom Batiuk isn’t really retiring, but he is doing the elderly thing of downsizing to a small place (in the comics pages).
The Phantom – I didn’t know Cupid was an ally of Phantom. ?
Crock – I hate when reruns of zombie comics take up space that ought to go to new voices (Peanuts excepted), but I’d much rather see jokes about the iPod in an old Crock comic than referenced nostalgically in a new Pluggers strip.
Lockhorns: It’s gonna take a lot more than removing his chair to keep Leroy from shit-talking while you watch TV, Loretta.
BG&SS: Why does Lukey even ask? Has he not noticed that his buddy of over a century has never dug a ditch or run a company?
MW: I would think the trip home would be spent discussing who might need meddling in the near future; fashion victims, roving eyes and not least, Wilbur’s mad-doctor scheme for eventual romantic triumph.
MW: “He’s quite a success for someone his age. Remind me. How long were you away at that Caribbean medical school?”
JP: What is Gloria driving/riding in? The windows look like it’s the shot-up car she and Sam left at the repair shop. Curiouser and curiouser.
Crankshaft: …or maybe they just hate you.
H&L: The novelty of Hi yelling KABOOM during orgasm is wearing thin and besides, it scares the dog.
MT: Is Jules trying to get fired? She actually drew two squirrels humping in the first panel.
JP: I think Gloria speaks for all of us. What the hell is going on?
GT: Grab some pine, Tobe. He knows you had too many s’mores last night.
RMMD: “SHUT UP, YOU WHINY LITTLE PARASITES! YOU’LL EAT WHEN YOU EAT! UNTIL THEN, GO PLAY WITH YOUR DAMN PHONES OR SOMETHING!” [sneaks candy bar out of jacket pocket after they leave]
The Lost Patrol know that the likes of Spotify are hurting small artists with their dismally small royalties, and are steadfastly sticking to mp3s ripped from CDs bought directly from indie record labels. Also, they don’t get 4G reception in the desert.
Second chances are good.
Jeff’s chances are not good.
CSh: Reading over that last panel, I can’t tell which annoyed me more: the fact that Lillian said ‘comic’ three times in a sentence or that in only two of those instances it was ‘comic book’. I mean, if it had been three times I could have accepted it as a kind of joke but this…this can not stand.
Ph: Speaking of odd language : why would our man here say ‘arrow’ and not ‘an arrow’. Unless of course it’s his dead friend’s name and he was just commenting on the irony of the situation? “Arrow was hit by an arrow? What are the odds of that! Oh boy, I should probably warn Anvil…”
Crock: I wonder if there are versions of this strip that go back even further “I keep forgetting their listening to their discmans/…walkmans/ …own crazy thoughts while high on cocaine…”
@Hibbleton: re MT: GoodGodamighty!!! Let me say right here those Squirrels are NOT our clients! We only provide Foreground Fauna, not Foreground Fornication!! Wait – that’s not our drugged-up Bad Boy from yesterday, is it? He’s gettin’ fired, stat!!
I know the Comics Code Authority isn’t really a thing anymore, but it’s still weird to be seeing more arrows in dead bodies in a daily newspaper comic strip than in an entire run of comic books where arrows painted green are a superhero’s entire schtick. Weren’t there any boxing gloves in the entire prison that the Phantom and his crew could have taped to the shaft of that thing?
MT: Speaking of roadside parties…! Or, as Mark himself would say, “WHAT TH’??!!”
CS: Oh, no, the “classic comic book” virus from FW has infected the CS continuity as well!
I’d say its time for a total lockdown of CS for at least a month!
@Philip: “The Phantom – I didn’t know Cupid was an ally of Phantom.”
Yes, but this is the Bandar version of Cupid, who is not a god of love, but of death.
H&L: The sour faces of Hi and Lois say it all: Dawg is a big cock-blocker. Time for a little one-way trip to the vet?
Crock: Surely just a coincidence that somehow “iPods” takes up about the same amount of balloon space as “Walkman” would have
RMMD: In these times of social turmoil and upending of social values, it’s nice to see that there are still conservative strips which hold on to traditional values. Case in point: not only doesn’t Rex offer to cook for his hungry children, the children refuse even to think the thought that somebody else than Mom could feed them.
Mark Trail: The Foreground Fornicating Fauna are foreshadowing the future hominid fucking.
‘shaft: Honestly I was hoping there may have been a huge hydroelectric project near Westview and it was going to be submerged forever underwater to be forever forgotten, crawfish choking on the last piece of shitty pizza.
Luann: It seems this story is going in exactly the direction it shouldn’t – a combination of greed and sexual desire has put Luann on the path to become the least-qualified romance writer in the history of literature. I’m really not looking forward to seeing the result.
Crankshaft : the weird thing is that the price tag is indicating a 1960s comic, but that Batman parody is clearly inspired by the 1990s animated version (the “FIRST ISSUE” tag is also very 90s(?))…
…Is this going to be a “Batman WAS grim and gritty, but that stupid Adam West show set us back DECADES” thing? ‘Cause if it is, I don’t think that’s actually true?
********
Phantom : that wasn’t the Bandar who killed that guard, that was some kind of ancient* demon, a man with an arrow-filled mouth who shoots them at everyone nearby, as a loud “ARROWED” is bellowed with each victim…
*Hey, over-a-decade-old web videos are more “ancient” than the “Ghost-Who-Walks” is actually a “ghost”!
MW: Jeff sipped his coffee as he read that day’s comics. He was trying to distract himself from last night’s disappointing end, when Mary had once again rejected his advances. Suddenly, the cup slipped from his awkward grasp, and it clattered to the floor, but not before splashing his favorite strip, Mark Trail. Quickly, he daubed at the newspaper and then stopped cold. His eyes opened wide as he scrutinized the first panel, his imagination suddenly running wild. In his mind’s eye, HE was the furry rodent, catching Mary unawares and embracing her from behind, right there on the branch—! Then, coming to himself, he shook his head in frustration. “Yes, we’re both gray as squirrels, but I still have NEEDS…!” he muttered, collecting the soggy comics page and heading guiltily for the bathroom.
MW: what are the bluest objects in the universe? Dr Jeff is about to be shot down in flames.
CS: Another six week cycle must have passed, because it’s time for yet another story where Lillian is mildly flummoxed at receiving undue praise and windfalls. Obviously it will turn out that this comic is worth a bajillion dollars, which Lillian will struggle to understand because she’s only been alive for 90 years and has never heard of collection hobbies despite running a vintage bookstore. Expect at least one day, maybe an entire week, dedicated to Lillian insisting that the comic can’t be worth anything because it has a retail price of 10 cents right there on the cover.
Crock: This is another Crock semi-rerun where the joke is periodically updated with the march of technology. It last ran four years ago, when the Lost Patrol’s NCO was trampled by soldiers listening to their Sony Walkmans.
(Sorry, I have to comment on the utter weirdness of this Crock joke, even beyond the double anachronisms. The soldiers didn’t hear the NCO… so they knocked him over and stomped him nearly to death? Which they wouldn’t have done if they weren’t distracted by their music players? What the fuck is this?)
Luann: Oh no! Luann traded her Inner Beauty for the sinful pleasures and profits of smutty literature, and now no one is safe from her lecherous female gaze! Don’t worry, though, Trufans; this shocking character development will not survive beyond the end of this week.
In the alternate universe of “Crock”, France managed to keep Algeria, but they still suffered technological and economic dominance by the USA, since even soldiers use Apple products and not a French baladeur numérique. A good comment on the futility of colonialism.
Luann: I usppose it’s a good thing that this normally prudish comic is starting to be more sex-positive, but it may be moving a bit too fast now. Isn’t it overestimating the power of literature just a little bit if reading a single romance novel can make Luann the clueless prude so horny that her boobs jut upwards and she starts ogling random guys’ butts in the name of “research”?
If this story continues in this direction, many a TruFan’s head will explode.
9CL: On the one hand, at least it’s not more pregnancy fascination. On the other far more horrifying hand, it’s more pianofucking with Amos’ come-hither face. Don’t click that link. Seriously, don’t. Just take my word for it and spare yourself.
RMMD: It wouldn’t be a Rex Morgan story without every character being focused on food. For Terry Beatty, having one’s modest-yet-very-tasty meal being slightly postponed is as high as the stakes get. Unless… what if they had to skip the well-balanced dinner entirely today?! What if they have to get by with a meal this is modest but not very tasty at all?! No, it’s just too horrible to even consider!
JP: Remember when Sam used his mechanic underground connections to hide Gloria’s shot-up car, which could not be driven around because it attracts too much attention and also there’s still some glass on the seats? Well, now Gloria just has her heavily perforated car back somehow and is driving it around without a care in the world. Presumably this is possible because every single cop in Cavelton is in prison for corruption as deemed by a known-to-be-corrupt judge, prepping for a ludicrously inept raid on the Spencer compound, or gasping their final breaths on the lawn of Judge Duncan’s lake house after the last ludicrously inept raid.
MW: The neverending epilogue continues as Jeff
parks on a 10′ x 15′ section of concretedrives Mary home and the parrots squawk their handful of memorized lines. Wow, it turns out Mary is happy for Iris! This sure is interesting new information and not something we’ve heard her say over and over and over for the past month!“Arrow! Sure I should say a prayer or quote a philosopher when my comrade dies in battle, but this is the age of decrasalisation and postmodernism, so saying out loud the title of a mediocre superhero tv show is an equally valid form of commemorating the cessation of life. Let’s just hope he was a DC and not a Marvel guy!”
9CL: Wow! McEldowney is trying something completely new! I can’t wait to see how this fresh direction pans out.
….MADE YOU LOOK
Does anyone think Luann even knows what a penis is?
Phantom – We are, in fact, kidding you. But rest assured that we are not kiddng you.
@Bad wolf: Actually, Walkmans are back. If they had kept the original device name, Crock would’ve been ahead of the curve.
Josh will be irritated if they wait less than a month to turn Crankshaft into LES MOORE (and Crankshaft)? I’m surprised they’ve held off for two weeks already.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Also, does she know the song Hokey Pokey?
Don Abundio, translated:
“Was the mailman just here?”
“Yes”
“He’s running late! He’s supposed to get back to the ground floor by 10:30”
“I know”
“But I suspect he’ll be taking the fast way down”
@37 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: She does know what a penis is: it’s the full name of a “pen.” Example: Luann writes with a ball point penis. Inner Beauty!
@Baja Gaijin:
The penis: mightier than the sword.
Crankshaft: Ha ha, it’s funny because the dotty old lady doesn’t recognize the value of Golden Age comic books! What a plebe.
“I must have missed a comic book when I sold my old comic books to the owner of that comic shop in Comicview where they comic in comicomicomicomiccccccc”
Lillian.exe has stopped working
The Phantom: Look at credit box in the upper right and tell me the creators didn’t miss a golden opportunity here. “Just one more thing, Mr. van der Boer. Is that an arrow in your chest?”
Funky Winkerbean lives on in Crankshaft, as … Comic John?
9 Chickweed Lane: Why, I do believe this calls for a chorus of that old classic: Kill Me.
(Alt joke: Dorothy Parker telegram to Robert Benchley: “You come right over here and explain why they’re having another 9 Chickweed Lane!)
For whatever reason, the thought of Loathsome Lil going to Westview as a way of keeping those horrible people going reminds me of Petticoat Junction after Bea Benederet died. They didn’t acknowledge the death for a while after that. When someone came to the Shady Rest Hotel and asked where Kate was, the person was told she was in the kitchen baking a pie.
Maybe this could work in Cranky/Funky Land. “Where’s Lisa?”
“She’s baking her pie.”
Crankshaft: It kinda makes you feel bad for Crankshaft as a strip. It was free to keep doing all its stupid but at least slightly amusing gag-a-day things only because Batiuk focused all his energy and efforts on Funky. Now, without its parent strip to take the heat, Crankshaft is going to have to suffer through endless self-aggrandizing storylines about Batiuk’s personal interests.
The Phantom: Actually, the dead guy’s name is Arrow. “Arrow?! You gotta be kidding me! Dead on the job again?! How many times you gonna get shot this week to get out of work?! You’re fired!”
Crock: I’m pretty sure this is at least a possible idea of what Hell is like.
On Crankshaft repeating the word “comic” in the third panel : remember when, less than three months ago, it replaced “Turkey Day without Turkey is just another Day!” with “THANKSGIVING without Turkey is just another Day”, seemingly sacrificing the actual wordplay to avoid clunky repetition? So, repetition is bad if it’s in service of a joke, but good if it’s in service of clunkily-phrased exposition?
…Wait, that would explain “Solo Car Date”, too!
MT: The initial response of “Jesus, that’s a helluva huge fire for s’mores” distracted me from the fucking squirrels. My Smokey Bear instincts trump my rodent voyeurism; who’d a thunk it?
Phantom: Right through the heart, too. Sexy no-pants Bangallan Girl Scouts are regular Robin Hoods.
9CL – Oh, look, Amos is playing the cello and Edda is playing the piano! And they are both in the middle of a featureless void, so that it is impossible to tell if it is a concert or a rehearsal or just a lazy day hanging out in Seth’s palatial piano room. And after only a few seconds, Edda becomes so overwhelmed with lust that she stops playing and walks over to where Amos is sitting so she can make out with him.
It’s a fascinating new direction for the strip and I can’t wait to find out what new storylines it inspires.
Funky Winkerbean injecting itself into Crankshaft is like those Bob Hope appearances on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show.
LUANN – You know, Lu, you are free to ogle strangers any day of your life. You don’t have to use “research!” as an excuse.
Can’t wait for her to publish her first Romance Pamphlet about the time a Hot Guy walked past her and she looked at his butt. Much better than the Pamphlet where see seeks out TJ for dating advice and is told that it’s too dangerous for her and to stick with ambiguous and low-grade unrequited crushes instead.
@pastordan: Was that one of those ubiquitous 1920s Abie’s Irish Rose jokes?
Luanne, Luanne: An erotic journey from Pittsville High to an unspecified, easily commutable distance away from Pittsville High.
MW: I’d like Jeff to write Mary off and take up with an attractive divorced nurse. Mary first learns of it on being invited to the wedding.
Phantom: It turns out the guard’s last name was Arrow, making this a ridiculously ironic death.
Crock: Aieeeee! They’re iPod People!
RMMD – Honestly, I’m not loving this Waiting for Godot reboot.
@Ukulele Ike: Dunno about the Abie’s Irish Rose part, but Dorothy Parker’s original joke was indeed from New Year’s Day, 1929.
Phantom: “Arrow!?” to avoid this conversation; “He was killed by an arrow!” “A narrow what!?”
Frazz: Frazz opens a can of worms Jef is not equipped to handle.
Luann: Luann is interested in Starfleet cosplay or mustard, and I honestly don’t know which one it could be.
CS: That comic is probably worth $3, maybe more if it got featured in Stupid Comics.
@Weaselboy:
RMMD – Honestly, I’m not loving this Waiting for Godot reboot.
Mud Mountain as Pozzo and Sarah as Lucky works for me, though.
CS: While in Westview, Lillian will buy boxes of the Les Moore works for future readers. Hilarity will follow when Crankshaft tries to light his grille and burns down Ohio.
CS2: Honestly Josh, I’m shocked that it took this long.
Phantom: “We should go that way!”
Dustin: Dustin and Meg are laughing at something completely unrelated, like a kitten falling down some stairs.
FC: I get that they’re crunchy, but Billy is only allowed one Bugle snack chip?!?
MW: In the hands of another writer, Jeff’s “second chances” line would be a passive-aggressive dig at the state of his relationship. But, as the great Garth Marenghi opined, subtext is for cowards.
@Hibbleton: Sure you didn’t mean that the other way round? Bossy little shit Sarah was born to play Pozzo.
@Uncle Lumpy: Batiuk wants to avoid a lawsuit from Warner Brothers, because they have a character named Raven from the Teen Titans.
GT: “Trust the bench. Be the bench. You and the bench are one. And stop staring at my daughter.”
@taig: “Yes, this is the legal division of DC Comics calling for Mr. Batiuk. No, we didn’t finally find his resume, this is John Jones from copyright division…hello?”
The most disturbing thing about today’s Crock is that they forced a lowercase “i” into their all caps font to spell the product correctly. This implies the existence of, against all voluminous counter evidence, someone at Crock paying attention to a detail.
RMMD: are there no cheese sticks to brle shoved down gaping Mawson?
The Centerville town hall has a box labeled “break in case of Funky Winkerbean cancellation.” Inside is a giant pile of silver age comics, and a bag full of cigarettes and asbestos.
MW – Instead of spouting a bunch of platitudes on the car ride home, how about a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill? Start with Iris, Nan, and Toby.
love is... unisex outfits. It doesn’t matter. They look the same even with no clothes.
Bliss: Not just one but TWO crossovers!
@Ukulele Ike:
Hmm, “Have Lucky (Sarah) think” says it all for me.
LUANN – “This Romance Novel of yours is a terrible idea. Just terrible!”
“But, it made a billion dollars?”
“Yes, but that is no reason to jump to conclusions!”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Lisa is baking her pie
In her pâtisserie in the sky
She’ll tempt Masky McDeath
With her cinnamon breath,
And hope that Les turns a blind eye.
I’d like to say that today’s Phantom is a veiled reference to the line “A spear?!?!” from “Apocalypse Now”, itself a reference to the classic anti-colonialist work “A Heart of Darkness” which would be an actually interesting, subtle lesson, but let’s face it, that’s way more effort than the Phantom would ever engage in.
“Oh dear! An issue of Ravenman, from before he teamed up with Robin, the Bird Wonder.”
Phantom: This morning has got to have been a special treat for those among us named Arrow: A nice young man in the funnies is surprised to see us! Either that, or we’ve been forgetting to take our medication. This has been Jennifer Arrow, signing off and headed for the tub.
C’shaft: Didn’t Skunkhead John vastly underpay for the comic books Lilian sold him because she didn’t know their true value, or is that just an awful thing that I would assume the character would do?
Phantom: “Alert! We’re under attack by Mirkwood Elves!”
@Anonymous: CS: Oh, no, the “classic comic book” virus from FW has infected the CS continuity as well! I’d say it’s time for a total lockdown of CS for at least a month!
It’s too late for that. Nothing short of full culling and incineration at this point.
Mark Trail: there are tons of squirrels around here but the only time I ever saw a young squirrel is when mama was relocating the family- it was the goofiest thing to watch her climb the tree with two or three little ones clinging to her. Rivera got that right, but my god the humans she draws…
JP. It might be time to stage in an intervention for the Typist and Sketcher. There’s no way anyone other than a blackout drunk is plotting the strip at this point.
Lillian:”Once I sell you this issue of Ravenman, we shall crossover never more.” Everyone looks at her with an empty expression except for Les’ Groupie: “Got the reference!” Le Chat Bleu leaps up to Lillian’s shoulder “Come on, let us blow this popsicle stand and rip off more of zee Murder She Wrote plots!”
9CL: With Amos, “short” is the appropriate adjective in multiple senses.
Dustin: Let this be a lesson, Dustmom: humiliation on social media will succeed with your husband where common sense and the concerns of his (nominal) loved ones will fail.
JP: Look, you’ve been hearing exposition for weeks now; if you don’t know I sure as hell can’t help you.
Luann: Having seen what Clan Evans thinks good romance writing is like, I can’t wait to find out what Luann comes up with. Her limited anatomical and logistical knowledge would make Brooke McEldowney look like Barbara Carltand.
MW: “He’s quite a success for someone his age!…Unlike SOMEONE I could name, who STILL can’t get himself a cushy administrative position…”
RMMD: “What, do you expect ME to take care of your essential needs? Next you’ll be asking for love and attention…”
@random driveby commenter:
Rivera got that right, but my god the humans she draws…
__________________________________
Stop giving drugs to cartoonists!
The Phantom: It’s amazing that the guard’s only surprised that an arrow was involved in his colleague’s death. How many times a week does he stumble over his co-workers’ cadavers? I’ve never once had any sympathy for any fascists but this is weird and grim.
@43 Peanut Gallery:
Ah, that was fine. AND it inspired me to do a translation too. Spanish language Rex Morgan, M.D.
Narration box – June barges in on Rex.
*KA-NOCK*
“Whatcha doing?”
“I’m looking at porn on the internet.”
“I’d let you take my clothes off!”
“No way. This chair’s too comfortable.”
Nancy: Sluggo is lit.
@Sequitur:
Zippy: Oh, great. Celebrate the white on MLK Jr. Day. Way to go Griffith.
(Just in case you didn’t catch it, I AM being sarcastic here.)
@gardenornament: the TruFan understanding of human sexuality—and I use that term “understanding” VERY loosely—is in full display. and it’s so bizarre I can’t even begin.
@jroggs: Re Crankshaft – That flummoxed fumfering is just one of Loathsome Lillian’s endearing quirks.
@Uncle Lumpy: Wow. Bob Hope was an even more annoying guest than Cathy Guisewite. I didn’t think that was possible.
(That article was interesting, and it confirmed my opinion of Bob Hope.)
Pluggers – Pluggers still tie a string around their finger to remind them of something? Does anyone anywhere do this?
Rex Morgan – Dad, these guys were at the door. They want to talk to you about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Speed Bump – Oh my God! Neddy died?
LUANN: Tara: “Did you spend all weekend reading Peeks of Passion?”
Luann: “Yep. Turns out that reading is pretty easy if you randomly start in the middle of the book like I did on Thursday.”
LUANN (2): It looks more Luann is doing “research” for a company’s HR sexual harassment manual.
LUANN (3): I WOULD say, though, that the world of writing is probably a better career path for Luann’s er…”talents” than the world of economics, since she naively think working in the billion dollar romance industry (I think. The strip has been kinda quiet and subtle on the net worth of the market) means she, as a novelist, would get the lion’s share of the profit. Hahaha, enjoy selling your soul to HarperCollins for for five magic beans, girl.
@I speak Jive: “Pluggers – Pluggers still tie a string around their finger to remind them of something? Does anyone anywhere do this?”
I remember that I tried it after reading about it as a kid. It didn’t work. The string reminded me that I should remember something, but I forgot exactly what I should remember.
Luann: our hero apparently has absolutely no interests nor a single intelligent thought passing through her empty head. She’s the stupidest of the American Girl dolls.
Yaffle: Talk about lit…
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: “Can’t wait for her to publish her first Romance Pamphlet about the time a Hot Guy walked past her and she looked at his butt.”
I’d like to see the critical reception once she’s written a few (ahem) more pages and published a novel where all the focus is on the male protagonist’s butt. Rather monotonous reading, but I suppose she’ll get her audience.
RMMD: Rex: “I heard that! Bitches be shoppin’, amiright?”
@Anonymous: Theory: This is a ’90s comic, one of that decade’s inescapable “1st Issue” reboot scams that has been priced at 10 cents to artificially boost its sales figures. Batom Comics wildly overestimated the demand, and some comic book store guy has been tossing the worthless things in with their flyers to get rid of them.
@I speak Jive: When Carson listed his inspirations and favorite comics, he made a point of never mentioning Hope.
Crank: Of course this is leading to a crossover. And since Lillian will naturally be taking the twins with her, because she can’t find a sitter and at this point she’s practically adopted them, we can probably look forward to further temporal confusion as Batty tries to resolve the reverse timeskip with the fact they moved (will move? will have moved??) to Westview as teenagers.
Crock, meta: I was surprised to learn from Josh that the iPod stopped being made six years ago, because that means my current iPod has somehow survived that long without going through the washing machine fatally or falling out of my pocket and never being seen again. (Begins writing Pluggers submission.)
MW: At first I realised that we were about to get another week of people talking about how in love Iris and Zak are, and I thought “Oh, hell no”. However, on a second look, I suspect that we’re actually about to get a week of Jeff saying “Yes, it sure is great when a woman who was married before decides that it’s time to marry the person she’s with now” and Mary just blanking out the subtext completely, which at least has car crash potential (probably only metaphorically, unless Jeff gets really worked up on the subject. Come to think of it, how close do you think they are to Aldo Curve?)
SH: Okay, I realise that it’s kind of riduculous to complain that the strip’s take on Leo, the time-travelling grandson of a 21st century American couple who is being raised in Renaissance Italy by his mother and her wife, may not be 100% historically accurate, but I have to point out that the real Leonardo was 14 when he was apprenticed to Verraccio, not … however old the kids in the strip are meant to be, which I’m pretty sure is pre-teen, if not pre-school.
Ziggy. Song and thud man. With those shoes he ain’t dancing.
JUDGE PARKER: Panel #2: Is that Gloria talking…or Marciuliano?
You decide, audience!
@Peanut Gallery:
I took that line completely literally, that Ed Crankshaft one day wakes up, with a goatee, glasses and an ungodly amount of smugness.
“Man, what an ‘arrowing experience, am I right? Oh, you’re dead. Wish we went three-deep in these watchtowers so someone would be around to appreciate my sense of humor.”
CS: Well, we’re off to Funkytown. The next time Ed Crankshaft appears in his comic strip, he’ll be in a wheelchair with tubes up his nose.
@Tyler: I’ll wait for the musical. I think Bette Midler could still land the role.
CS: weren’t those twins teenagers just a little while ago? I could swear I remember them helping Loathsome Lillian with her IT.
@random driveby commenter:
I got that impression with the webcomic “Sandra and Woo”
The talking animal characters were vastly more interesting than the human characters, who were either flat, mary sues/marty stus or just uninspired in general.
I complained about this, and I think people just assumed I was a human hating furry.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: “Does anyone think Luann even knows what a penis is?”
She oguth to know what it is, but I’m not entirely sure she knows what it’s used for.
@Sequitur: Yep. That’s our Rex and June!
REX MORGAN M.D.: I’ll come back to this strip on Friday, when the ravenous little munchkins have covered Rex in barbecue sauce and start stabbing him with their forks….
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): Sarah: “When’s mom coming home to do her gender-assigned tasks before we starve to death?! I mean, we all know that as a man in a comic strip, you can’t possibly cook anything, dad.”
CS: it’s beginning to look like the first Funky character to appear here will be comic book guy. I was expecting Les to be joining Lillian at a book fair of some kind.
Phantom: The Redwall novels were notorious for how violent they were, despite being kids books.
There was a joke comparing Redwall to Lord of the Rings.
In Lord of the Rings you’re walking along, someone shouts “Fire!” and you’re killed by an arrow as a big battle breaks loose.
In Redwall you’re walking along, and are randomly killed by an arrow. Then someone shouts “Fire!” as a big battle breaks loose.
@Professor Well Actually: They were teenagers in Funky Winkerbean, little girls in Crankshaft. I am guessing that when the Custodian ™ resolved the time anomaly, they stayed at Crankshaft age.
@Little Blue Bicycle: Does Bob Hope make anyone’s list of inspirations and favorite comics?
I didn’t get around to watching any of the “Road”movies until I was in my late forties, after having looking forward to them for years (for some reason). I always enjoy Der Bingle’s singing, but Bob was lousy even when he was young.
DUSTIN: I am so pissed, y’all! Once again, Dustin ruins a perfectly promising storyline. Like I should be ecstatic that the odious, hateful father is finally getting the humiliation and comeuppance he deserve, and yet everyone else has reacted with such out-of-proportion cruel insufferability and pouty assholishness about this mild case of mid-life crisis that I can’t even properly enjoy his long-awaited downfall. Way to spoil things, guys!
CS: “I must have missed a comic book when I sold my old comic books to that nice comic shop owner in Westview, where that kind and generous man gave me the full cover price, even though they were used!”
@Rube:
That would mean that Crankshaft’s future of becoming a wheelchair-bound, respirator-hooked invalid has been erased from the timeline, and now he has many more years (forever?) of being a purposefully terrible schoolbus driver to look forward to!
…Are we sure the Custodian was a BENEVOLENT time traveler?
“At least Frasier had enough dignity to wait until its second season to do an episode with Sam Malone in it.”
Josh, you’ll be happy (?) to learn that “Frasier” is being rebooted in a different city, with virtually none of the original cast other than Kelsey Grammer. And since it’s on streaming, there’ no point in budgeting for big-name guest appearances to boost the ratings. More likely there will be run-ins with minor characters we don’t care about (Bulldog yes, Niles no) — plus a Norm and Cliff walk-on that makes us gasp at how old they, and therefore all of us, have become.
Lockhorns: I would not have expected this strip to produce a genuinely funny gag based on genuinely up-to-date pop culture, but here we are.
@Ukulele Ike: Does Bob Hope make anyone’s list of inspirations and favorite comics?
In Woody Allen’s early, funny movies, it’s easy to see when he’s doing Hope, especially the “devout coward” shtick.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: “Can’t wait for her to publish her first Romance Pamphlet about the time a Hot Guy walked past her and she looked at his butt.”
“Miss Beaureclaire…” exhaled Giuseppe, leaning over the desk.
“Y-yes, my darli- I mean, Mr. Chiappe?” gasped Annabella, successor to the Beaureclaire dog perfume fortune, blushing crimson as her heart pounded in her chest. She furtively glanced around at the mirrors arrayed around her office, giving her a 360 degree view of Giuseppe’s rippling physique. She gulped as she absorbed every angle of Giuseppe’s magnificent posterior.
Giuseppe leaned even closer, his warm breath and saliva evident as he gleeked unintentionally onto Annabella’s face. “I need you…” he respirated.
“Wh-whatever could you m-mean?” wheezed the red-faced heiress. She clutched her bosom as she sank deeper into her office chair, her wide cerulean eyes flicking back and forth to the zoomed closed-circuit cameras tracking every muscle twitch of Giuseppe’s divine gluteal miracles.
“…To come with me to HR,” Giuseppe said, standing up. “We’ve received five reports of sexual harassment by you, and that’s only counting this morning.”
@Ukulele Ike: “The Lemon Drop Kid” is worth watching for “Silver Bells,” and the “Paleface” movies are fun enough. But the later work from the 60s and 70s is just painful.
@Anonymous:Since he devoted himself to making sure Les and Lisa got together, I don’t see any good reason to think he was benevolent at all.
RIP Gina Lollobrigida, 95.
“Arrow? Are you kiddin’ me? Did we not cover this during your orientation, Arrow? You can’t just impale anyone! You’re supposed to keep watch and impale the enemies! Jeez! I can’t believe I have to say that… YES! Even if he ate your lunch out of the fridge! You can’t just kill a fellow watchman. I can’t believe the paperwork I’m gonna have to fill out. Pack up your things, Arrow! You’re fired!”
Phantom: Some interesting wordbuilding to know that people in Rhodia use ng as its own syllable. Maybe because it serves that role in the local language, or maybe because the government is so cruel it has started rationing use of the letter I? I hope they explore it further or else philistines are going to think that they simply made a spelling mistake.
Rex Morgan – Jesus dude, give these kids some fruit roll-ups or something. I’m not sure how a rotisserie chicken feeds five, anyway. Unless one of the kids just gnaws the bones after everyone else is done.
@White Rabbit:
I always liked Bob Hope. His Christmas USO shows overseas were loved by the troops.
The Ghost Who Philosophizes — “An arrow! Are you kidding me? Commander Zeno told me it would never reach his chest!”
JP – “What’s going on? Why are all those ambulances here? Those people were dead.”
Dustin: I’m trying to interpret Helen’s eye-rolling expression in the last panel. Is she still so happy that Ed’s given up pole vaulting that the she’s not registering the paralegal’s date offer? Or is she rolling her eyes because she finds the offer silly? Or is she looking skywards because she’s just been waiting for a younger man to ask her out?
Meanwhile, I can’t help wondering why on earth Ed saw a need to tell her that his paralegal wants a date with her? Is he so secure in his halo of self-importance that he thinks it will just reinforce his status as Helen’s true love? Helen, who has been spent the last few days looking for men on a dating site?
@gardenornament: I’ve heard of tying a string around a finger, but I don’t remember ever doing it. Even if the plugger doesn’t want to rely on his phone to remind him, at least he could put a Post-It note somewhere where he’s sure to see it. That’s what I do, which I guess makes me sort of pluggery.
@Little Blue Bicycle: Yeah, that’s what the linked article said. In addition, Carson was curious and interested in different things, and he wanted to have actual conversations with his guests. Hope arrived with a set of prepared jokes, and he just rattled them off with no interest in engaging in an interview with Carson.
I’m a long time fan of Johnny Carson. Not a fan of Hope.
@random driveby commenter: re MT: Yeah, that’s the *official* line they’re puttin’ out over there – “Just a Mama Squirrel carrying her little one on her back.” Sure. That’s no “little one” … he’s gotta be a teenager at least. Probably stunted his growth with cigarettes.
At least it’s not our Squirrel client from yesterday – we were afraid he’d really gotten into his renegade role. But it turns out they’re a couple of randos – I certainly hope not a mother/son team! – they picked up at some run-down park on the southside. Just wanted folks to know it’s not our clients workin’ blue.
Luann: If Luann becomes a little too enthusiastic with her “research” she may produce a book on the lines of “The Adventures of a Butt-Watcher: Copping a Feel and Beating the Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit”.
Luann – A responsible parent, realizing her adult child is seriously repressed and still clinging to adolescent notions of sex, would have a candid conversation with her that yes, sex is a natural and good part of life, and it’s perfectly ok for mature persons to engage in appropriately. But Nancy just gives her a trashy book and figures it will be enough to detonate her daughter’s long-smothered libido. Besides, she wants a grandchild and it was her misfortune that Brad married someone who understands birth control.
@gardenornament:
Of course “Tina Belcher” writes that exact book before she does, and is a booming success.
I don’t normally look at the New Mark Trail but with all the hubbub going on I took a gander at it.
I’m not sure what the big deal is. It’s only a squirrel rodeo.
The Crankshaft/Winkerbean crossovers are very reminiscent of the whole Beverly Hillbillies/Green Acres/Petticoat Junction universe, except the Clampetts had more dignity and the people of Hooterville more common sense. But Les Moore was clearly inspired by Mr. Douglas.
@gardenornament: ” I remember that I tried it after reading about it as a kid. It didn’t work. The string reminded me that I should remember something, but I forgot exactly what I should remember.”
Only too late did I realize that that means I was a plugger already as a child.
Luann: She’s just a beginner, of course, but that sort of enthusiasm could lead to a lot of jauntily bouncing prose.
@brendancalling: ” the TruFan understanding of human sexuality—and I use that term “understanding” VERY loosely—is in full display. and it’s so bizarre I can’t even begin.”
Where are the Luann TruFans posting? The comments at GoComics didn’t seem too outré (or perhaps I didn’t scroll down far enough), and the comments at ArcaMax mainly seem to be blaming the ”geriatric TruFans” for the sad state of the comic.
Mutt & Jeff: Those were tough times. Ordinary fellows who dressed like millionaires were often forced to sell their beloved pets for delicious shakes.
// Wimpy from Popeye often had to sell his children for hamburger sandwiches.
There’s a market for everything, I suppose, so let’s roll with Luann starting off her research by gawking at a guy headed to a Star Trek convention.
Very interesting. If you take a picture of the second panel of today’s Crankshaft, invert it, then hold it upside down to a mirror, you see an image of Lisa.
JP: Is the car Gloria is driving the bullet riddled car Sam supposedly had stashed away in the body shop?
@38 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Well, she has seen Gunther’s, followed by the cover-up. Then later Luann tells her friends she saw him in all his bare glory.
But that was Gunther so she may not have seen a penis or know what it was.
@153 oldgold:
It appears so. Manley must have forgotten about the car being put in the shop and Ces doesn’t look at the drawings. Actually, it was stowed deep in a garage.
@Oh Scud it!: ” Luann: She’s just a beginner, of course, but that sort of enthusiasm could lead to a lot of jauntily bouncing prose.”
That would be the only jauntily bouncing attribute of Luann’s, then.
@Inspector Gotcha:
He earned a lot of goodwill on those USO tours, which he kept at long after much of Hollywood grew hostile to the military.
@Inspector Gotcha: Hope’s movies from the 30s and 40s are enjoyable. The Cat and the Canary, The Ghost Breakers, My Favorite Brunette, Monsieur Beaucaire for example.
Luann: As I wrote above, I didn’t want to dive too deep into the comments on GoComics, but I did find this gem. I hope it’s intended as irony, but you never know…
nightflight:
Luann should pop over to 9 Chickweed Lane and see how a very hot lady goes after a guy she wants.
LUANN: Okay, let’s see what I imagine Luann’s prose would be like.
“Her engorged crotch pressed against his thigh, leaving a trail like a slug . . . ”
Yeah, I think that would be about it.
MT: “Squirrel Susie, Squirrel Sam
Do the jitterbug out in Mark Trail land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny,
And they whirl and they twirl and they tango
Singing and jingling a jango
Floating like the heavens above
Looks like X-rated squirrel love”
(I’m kicking myself for not stooping this low earlier).
@White Rabbit: Woody Allen, emulating the ONLY GENTILE COMEDIAN of 20th century America?
I SCOFF at you! Scoff! Scoff!
@Justice Hairhead:
” LUANN: Okay, let’s see what I imagine Luann’s prose would be like.
“Her engorged crotch pressed against his thigh, leaving a trail like a slug . . . ””
From the reviews: ”The author’s turgid prose will act as a powerful emetic…”
@Ukulele Ike: There’s an old Roger Ebert interview somewhere where Allen expressed his admiration for Hope’s old movies. He and Ebert also mentioned that, oddly, Hope seemed to be under the impression that he and Allen were still competing for the same parts.
(edited to add: Here we go, it’s from 1982:
The movie persona of Woody Allen has a lot of coward involved in it, I said.
“Yes, it does. And I got some of that from Bob Hope. He is my favorite comedian — not the Bob Hope of the last fifteen years, but the movie Bob Hope, the star of movies like “My Favorite Brunette,” which I saw for fourteen cents in Brooklyn when l was growing up. He was so funny. And he played such a great coward.”
I interviewed him once, I said, and when I asked him what he thought about the fact that Woody Allen admired him, he seemed pleased, but he also seemed to be still in competition . . . as if the two of you were still going up for the same jobs.
“Yeah. He gives me ninety percent acceptance. He’ll say things like, Woody Allen is a wonderful kid, and a near genius. Instead of that automatic, meaningless use of the word genius that everybody in show business throws away all the time, he makes it a point to add the ‘near’ to the genius.”
@Justice Hairhead: Thank you. You’re so kind.
@Rube: Let the scoffers read and learn!
Our Boarding House: Meanwhile, 75 years ago, Maj. Hoople fears he is becoming a Plugger, and joins a health club.
Crankshaft: Black Raven #1 is an especially rare comic book from the Golden Age! Most others didn’t use Comicraft for cover lettering before it was introduced in 1992…
RMMD: Rex’s pissyface is working overtime today. What? Interaction with my kids? And they want me to feed them too? When Hell freezes over.
@Ukulele Ike: #122: “The Seven Little Foys” , where Hope plays vaudevillian Eddy Foy, Sr., is worth catching for the dance-off contest at the Friars Club between Foy and George M. Cohan, played by James Cagney. Cagney reprised his role as Cohan for union scale as a favor to Hope and the Foy family. Eddy Foy Jr. played his father in “Yankee Doodle Dandy”.
@I speak Jive: #140: You’d probably enjoy the SCTV sketch where Hope, played by Dave Thomas, gatecrashes the intro of Masterpiece Theater and Alistair Cooke, played by Joe Flaherty, threatens him with a switchblade.
@oldgold: It is, but Harvey Keitel had him and Gloria do a fast clean-up job on it, then covered up the inside with quilts and blankets.
@167 Scudder like you always wanted:
They sure know how to turn a phrase back then.
Yeeeesh, guys. Looks like I won’t be sharing my personal “meeting Leslie “Bob” Hope in L.A.” anecdote here, for fear of a pile-on of tsk-ing, disapproving grimaces, and admonitory finger-waggling.
Looking forward to all of us returning to our usual Hopeless status by tomorrow morning.
@172 Ukulele Ike: Please tell us your anecdote. I want to see the admonitory finger-waggling.
@Hibbleton:
The Squirrels misunderstood the narration box’s use of the term “roadside”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: She knows it’s mightier than the sword.
@Scudder like you always wanted:
Our Boarding House: Meanwhile, 75 years ago, Maj. Hoople fears he is becoming a Plugger, and joins a health club.
_____________________________
He just wants a quick massage and a Fap.
@Ukulele Ike: I’d like to hear it! To clarify: I’m not a fan. I didn’t like his shtick and his high opinion of himself, but I felt no hatred towards him personally. If he was interesting and/or a nice guy, I won’t finger wag or admonish.
@Guillermo el chiclero: See my reply to Ukulele Ike. Although I would undoubtedly find the skit funny.
@gardenornament: i almost guarantee it’s not ironic at all.
@Baja Gaijin: @I speak Jive: Okay, it was the late ‘80s, in Los Angeles at the annual book convention, and we were meeting James Ellroy — somewhere between The Black Dahlia and L.A. Confidential — for dinner at the Pacific Dining Car, his favorite restaurant.
We pull up to the valet in our dumpy rental…my girlfriend, a co-worker, me, all in our 20s, dressed all in black like good NYers…behind a flashy sports car. As we get out, GF says “Hey — Bob Hope.”
Hope turns to us with a big shiteating grin, ready to greet fans/sign an autograph. I respond in a penetrating tone that carries dozens of yards, “Bob HOPE? Isn’t he DEAD????”
Bob folds up like a cheap suit and scuttles into the restaurant, trailed by his blondie floozie date, spooked by the three young vampires.
Crock: Proposed future last panel, “I keep forgetting Training is all in AR now.”
@179 Ukulele Ike: Oh, boy! That’s a good one. Were you embarrassed?
@Ukulele Ike: James Ellroy, the Big Dog with the Hog Log, the White Knight of the Far Right? That James Ellroy?
@Ukulele Ike:Good one. And the “blonde floozy date” indicates that what Mamie Van Doren had to say about him was on the money.
@Inspector Gotcha: My father was a cop and told the story of being assigned in the 60s to an event wherein he had to escort a group of dignitaries, consisting of the Governor, assorted congressmen and Bob Hope from the airport to where they were speaking. At the airport, waiting by the tarmac gate, there was on older, shabby looking vet, sitting there in a wheelchair, holding a small flag. According to my dad, every single politician on that plane walked right past that vet and didn’t even make eye contact, but Hope stopped, shook his hand, chatted with him for a bit and thanked him for coming out and for his service. That vet beamed. My father would never let anyone say a bad word about Hope after that.
@cheech wizard: #146:
“the whole Beverly Hillbillies/Green Acres/ Petticoat Junction universe”
Petticoat Junction was originally supposed to be a spinoff of the Beverly Hillbillies, taking place in the same holler that the Clampetts hailed from, featuring Jethro’s mom Cousin Pearl played by Bea Benaderet. The concept got revamped to Hooterville with Benaderet as Kate Bradley. When it came time to do a crossover they established that Kate Bradley and Granny were distant cousins. Benaderet originally tested for the role of Granny but was turned down because they considered her too good-looking for the role. The producers found an actual hillbilly women who they felt was perfect to play Granny but during the screen tests they discovered she was illiterate and couldn’t read the scripts.
@Ukulele Ike: Wow! Good story. Cruel, but funny.
@179 Ukulele Ike:
I guess by the late 1980’s his career was basically dead.
@Baja Gaijin: Oh, no. I was very proud to have nailed the delivery. Jack Benny couldn’t have improved on my timing that night.
@White Rabbit: The very one. He’s a pig in real life, too (I haven’t seen him in 30 years). But Ellroy did use my RL name in lots of short stories and novels — I’m the L.A. police chief in The Black Dahlia, and a Central Avenue jazz club in The Big Nowhere and L.A. Confidential. And it was a good excuse to enjoy a sixty-dollar rib steak.
@Rube: Okay, spill the Van Doren story!
@nScud: That’s my middle name! Well, my TWO middle names….
@Sequitur: Except for those scintillating Johnny Carson interviews.
@Ukulele Ike:According to Van Doren, Hope liked his babes, and he liked them young. When Mamie, age 16, wouldn’t put out for him, he blacklisted her from all his shows. He had lots of other tail all over town. Delores knew, and was basically happier that they were dealing with his wants instead of her.
Obviously I can’t confirm this, but like I say, your story does nothing to contradict it.
@White Rabbit: One of the episodes of the Ed Grimley Saturday-morning cartoon featured a Bob Hope lookalike/soundalike character. He had a personal assistant who followed him around everywhere. When the Hope character ad-libbed a lame joke during normal conversation, he turned to the PA and said “Write that down. NOTHING MUST BE WASTED!”
@191 Peanut Gallery:
I must say.
@Ukulele Ike: @Her Father, John Darling: I love both of those stories. I like to hear about people with big egos being put in their place. I also like to hear about people behaving like decent human beings, no matter who they are. Although there are a few living now that I don’t believe could behave like decent human beings.
No admonishment from me.
Tuesday!
Daddy Daze: Ask Ukulele Ike. He knows Bob Hope.
Phantom – Knock-Knock – Who’s There? Arrow. Arrow who? Arrow – you killin’ me…..
(Appropriately named) Crock – Oh Fuck – I forgot these guys hate me….
Crank – Where’s Ed’s stash of Millie the Models….
Adios Amigos, DJ.