Walker-Browne transcendence
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Hi and Lois, 4/16/24
Lois’s book group used to be the fun kind, where she and her friends would use the vague excuse of literary pretension to get extremely wine drunk on a weeknight. But some killjoy who “wants to actually talk about the book” or “is feeling her relationship with alcohol slipping out of control” has apparently put a stop to that, so now the ladies have to take truly dire steps to entertain one another, like all sitting around in silence while listening to a voice memo of Hi awkwardly stumbling through some vaguely offensive joke Thirsty told at work, in violation of several provisions in the HR handbook.
Beetle Bailey, 4/16/24
Another way you can tell Beetle isn’t asleep is because he’s half raising his arms into the air, which I guess is supposed to represent some kind of meditative hand mudra but really looks more like he’s doing a Rodney Dangerfield-style “My wife doesn’t love me!” stand-up routine.
Mary Worth, 4/16/24
Since Wilbur has already run into Estelle, I guess his next predictably awkward predicament is running into Iris, though I feel like he sees her often enough (she invited him to her wedding!) that she doesn’t merit the look of true fear in his eyes here. Could his statuesque Colombian lover/grifter Fabiana be in town, looking for one more chance (to steal his money)? Let’s hope!
162 replies to “Walker-Browne transcendence”
Mary Worth: Let me guess. Today’s excitement is building up to tomorrow’s reveal of Wilbur’s ex-wife. Helen Keller saw this coming, which is surprising since she’s blind and has been dead over half a century.
Mary Worth Mashups: These missing final panels probably contain a better Wilbur’s ex than who we’ll be shown tomorrow. Josh will like one of them.
MW:
Later, as Wilbur takes a walk, local seismologists record the Richter scale measurement of each plodding step.
BB: Even in his bed, Beetle is under the Bodhi tree, pondering great questions–like why does he have four fingers on his hand while Plato and Killer have three?
MW: Wilbur: “Oh no! What is this? ‘Exes day’? [awkwardly shuffles past discarded Hellman’s jar]
MW:
“Oh no! What is this? — well, I guess it’s an indefinite pronoun used to identify a specific thing or person. But that’s not important now.”
MW: I guess it’s too much hope that all of his exes appearing before him is just Wilbur’s life flashing before his eyes before he’s taken out like the kid’s errant ball. Is he walking anywhere near Kelrast Kurve…?
MW: Oh, Moy, you were one day late with the obvious joke.
Phantom: I guess L’il Kit needs more Phantoming.
GA: “I’m going to insult the oldest person in town in public! Vote for me!” (These days, he may gain supporters.)
DT: I’m not going to bother to deconstruct how we get his name. So I’m just going to point out “WOO GOSH” is an anagram for “HOOSGOW”. No E, but close enough.
“so now that ladies have to take” should likely read as “so now *the ladies have to take”
HnL: Later: “You’re right! He does sound like a dork!”
BB: Beetle is Zs-free.
MW: At least it’s not “exes with axes day.”
Dick Tracy: Well, at least we’re getting back into the “grotesque as sin” aspect of Dick Tracy’s rogues galleries.
MW: Wilbur takes this as a sign from the gods that he should never take another walk.
BB: Beetle appears to be having a seizure. What letters should he be emitting?
Frazz: Holy shit!!! One of the adults in this strip actually told one of the children to stop being an asshole!
Luann: Mention Luann’s “Inner Beauty,” and she’ll practically throw her parents’ money at you!
CS: Is this Batiuk’s backhanded attempt to “redeem” Lillian by making the readers say, “At least she’s not this asshole?”
Dick Tracy: I was wondering for a while, why there are so many members of Flattop’s family, like, why does the comic need so many members of his family, when there are so many unrelated villains to go through, like Shaky and Pruneface etc… then I realize, Dick probably straight-up killed about 90% of his villains so the writers have to keep creating more and more villains (for him to kill, of course)
This is an Axe Cop level of “Kill ALL the bad guys! Pew pew!!” but Axe Cop was a surreal (somewhat) comedy written by a child.
Dick Tracy is played completely, utterly straight.
Mary Worth: That is clearly Coconino County’s beloved Blue Bean Bush looming in the foreground, and Wilbur has a date with Ignatz he’s forgotten about. I for one love making this shit up, especially the part about him getting pasted with a brick.
Mary Worth: Why, it’s. . . Dawn’s mother! “New York? But I’ve been living here for, oh, at least two years now! How’s our daughter, Fawn or whatever?”
9CL: I’ll just translate the final two panels (thanks to Assamese this time).
“Um.”
“Er.”
“beautiful.”
“sweetheart.”
Pib: New Pibgorn, everyone! Anyway, in this installment, Padraig looks like he’s going to punch Ut, and Pibgorn looks like she swallowed a bird.
Beetle Bailey: Ha, it’s funny because Beetle is showing signs of terminal agitation, restlessly striking out and pulling at imaginary threads! Go to the light, Beetle! Go to the light!!
H&L: Don’t feel bad, Lois. Eric Reaves forgets about jokes all the time when writing this comedy strip.
MW: Exes Day? In southern California? I thought that was only celebrated in Texas.
Luann: Maybe it’s good that Luann doesn’t get out much. If not for her laziness and aversion to life experience, she’d have long since ended up some doomsday cult leader’s nineteenth wife.
RMMD: A lot of people find stories about animals suffering and dying particularly unpleasant, so while I wouldn’t say it’s something to be avoided entirely, I would argue that writers should make certain to get proper mileage out of the subject if they delve into it. That said, let me ask this: does anyone think that Candy is actually going to die? That there will actually be meaningful consequences to Sarah’s mistakes or Rex and June’s lack of supervision? I’ll gladly eat crow if I’m wrong, but it’s a near guarantee that they’re just going to take the dog to the vet and it’ll be fine, with the story stretched out with plenty of finger-jutting lectures and pointless final panels. I just don’t get why someone would want to write about such an off-putting subject when they insist on being so boring and meek with it.
MW: (Formerly known as Twitter’s Day.)
FC: “What’s that Beany? You’d rather live in a skin suit?”
MW: Walt has been there before and has the PTSD to show for it.
Hi and Lois: [Straightening custom Armani suit and silk tie acquired at last shopping expedition to Harrod’s] The only joke here is that French Blue shirt.
@Baja Gaijin: It was nice of She-Hulk to bring mayonnaise in panel 3.
Shoe – Fuck you Shoe or Perfesser or Cosmo or whichever lazy asshole is taking a gratuitous shot at the post office. Just fuck you.
MW – At least Wilbur can console himself with the news that Bogata is under water restrictions because of a drought and that Pedro and Fabiana will die of dehydration while in dilecto in frago (or whatever position Wilbur caught them in). Fuck you, too, Wilbur, you worthless waste of carbon.
And while I’m at it, Fuck you Caulfield.
MW: While I am glad that we’re not dwelling on the kid Wilbur “saved” by being a thoughtless jackass, I just want to remind everyone that we could have been with Dawn, meeting a woman who willing married Wilbur and consummated that marriage at least once, before presumably coming to her senses and possibly fleeing screaming into the night. I can’t believe I’d prefer that over yet another Wilbur humiliation conga line, but there you go.
H&L: If the joke is about someone recording somebody else because they can’t remember jokes, don’t bother recording it, it’s too lame. Don’t make it into a comic strip either.
@Anonymous: Boo hiss, good pun
When I first read this I mistook it for meaning that Helen Keller was Wilbur’s ex-wife. At first I thought this is a relationship that might work since Helen couldn’t see how ugly she is nor hear what a blathering idiot he is. But then I remembered that she still had a sense of smell. So forget that.
DT: Wow, Scardol. That’s a very deep cut from Gould’s original rogues gallery, one of the first really ‘grotesque’ characters Gould created and one whose story was actually very brief compared to the epic arcs with the likes of Pruneface or The Brow.
I’m not sure whether to be impressed or to smack my head at yet another retcon. You can say what you like about Chester Gould’s politics, but at least when Gould closed the books on a character, that was (usually) it and he kept looking to make new characters and stories.
JP: Why does Francesco Marciuliano keep bringing up plot points that only serve to further expose how broken his story is? Remember, Pavel gave Sam the near impossible task of finding and bringing Helena to him, and as far as Pavel knows, Sam did exactly that and more, and was only thwarted by the sudden unexpected arrival of the CIA sheriff’s office commandos. So Pavel feeling “betrayed and ignored” by Sam makes zero sense. But if Pavel does feel this way, either from having ascertained that Sam played a role in Helena’s trickery or just because Pavel is really dumb, then it similarly makes zero sense that Sam is still alive and free. How did Pavel get this reputation as a vain bloodthirsty slaughterer when he never kills anyone ever? Doesn’t matter; if you characterize your villain as prideful and arrogant, you can apparently make them as unbelievably stupid and incompetent as you like.
And that’s just one out of many, many major problems just from today’s strip. As much as I like being thorough, Marciuliano does a great job in making that unfeasible in practice. But here’s one last Parthian shot for today: if Helena knew all these things about Pavel and had all these plans in motion to screw him over, why did she insist on orchestrating the scheme at the end of the last Pavel story when she knew it was doomed to fail and create bigger problems? (Apart from the obvious meta answer, that is.)
CS: They’re both going to get an award, aren’t they?
9CL: It’s awkward to end a storyline midweek, but given how tightly plotted it was, what could the author possibly cut from the “portly-sigmoid” run?
Luann: One little insincere … well, it’s not even really a compliment … and Luann is hypnotized.
Hi is about to tell Bender’s joke from The Breakfast Club: “A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other. The bartender says, ‘So, I don’t suppose you’d be needing a drink?’ The blonde says……”
Wait’ll Lois’s book club gets a load of the punchline!
Mary Worth: The Scott Pilgrim franchise really lost its charm once Scott grew up and became a balding middle-aged loser.
Hi & Lois: The I scene really want is Lois reading out the AI voice-to-text transcript of this recording. “So the necks day the bismuth man goes goal thing with a jab pan ease client. The Javanese gopher makes a putt, and the big Ness man says…”
MW:
“Would you two boulders like to be my pet rocks? You could be company for my pet fish Stellan and Willa!”
@Tom T.: They’re both going to get finisher’s medals.
MW – There’s no way the classy, beautiful, Grace Kelly-esque ex-wife that Wilbur imagines in his thought balloons was actually married to (and had sex with!) Wilbur. My guess is, she looked a lot more like Helen of School Management infamy.
I guess talking about a joke instead of having one is a choice a comic strip can take.
MW – Does Wilbur see Iris and her husband coming towards him on the path? Or has he just spotted them fucking behind a bush?
FC – It’s Carl the turtle! He hasn’t aged a bit in the fifty years since this originally ran.
Rhymes With Orange – I didn’t know that Sid represented porcupines. And this one is an athlete.
6Chix – Only six months until endless strips about rotten pumpkins.
Frazz – If they eliminated the snarky comments behind other people’s backs this strip would be empty panels.
Crankshaft – No, your default setting is being an insufferable, egomaniacal asshole. Smirk!
BB – In the missing P3:
Plato: “No OMs either. He’s dead, Killer. That’s rigor mortis setting in.”
MW: Wait a minute. The close up on Wilbur’s eyes and the horror and surprise in his voice can only mean one thing. Dawn’s still in California! She’s not in Connecticut. Oh, and Wilbur slept with his daughter–no surprise there.
Hi and Lois – Lois’ book group has succumbed to the pressure to be BookTok influencers, and one of the first things any aspiring influencer learns is that making content is hard, but taking content is easy. Mining minion memes all day is mind numbingly boring, so Lois will welcome any sort of free humor where it comes.
Beetle Bailey – That looks a lot like rigor mortis. Beetle died from an untreated severe internal injury from the last time he was beaten to a pulp by Sarge. The next few weeks of strips will be them Weekend at Bernie’s him around to hide the murder and set up a training accident as cover. But they didn’t count on Miss Buxley’s true-crime fandom and knowledge of forensics.
Mary Worth – It will turn out to be Wilbur’s ex-wife, who after only a half-day with Dawn realizes it was Dawn who broke up their marriage. Tough lesson to learn, Dawn, but if Wilbur is asked to choose between getting back to his rich ex-wife or his daughter who has been in college for decades with no sign of leaving home, it’s clear what Wilbur will do.
FC – My favorite character today is Beanie, whoa shooting a disgusted look to the reader as if to say, “what an idiot.”
RMMD: Not sure why but Sarah going through a growth spurt seems oddly terrifying.
JP: “Say, Randy, why don’t you head into the kitchen and make us some sandwiches or something? It’s not like you have anything to add here.”
@19 jroggs: on Judge Parker: It’s another fakeout. Remember “Aunt” Tildy passed out drunk on the sofa? Turns out she was in a carb coma from all the cans of soda she drank. Same here. Everyone’ll return to the kitchen to see Candy passed out on the floor with brown stuff on her snout. Turns out she ate half a 25 pound bag of Gravy Train and is in a carb coma.
@24 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Don’t edit yourself; tell us what you REALLY feel.
@28 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: SNERK!
FC: Beanie smiles coyly thinking; “Wait till he finds I’m going commando.”
Six Chix-And more than how many days without a joke in this comic.
RMMD-Candy got a better offer to appear in another comic strip.
MW-Wilbur begins to wonder where he is.
FC-Soon you’ll be able to teach Benny Ninjitsu.
@42 Philip: on Mary Worth: “…it’s clear what Wilbur will do.” Go home and eat a mayonnaise sandwich, white bread of course.
Beetle Bailey-“Beetle isn’t suffering from night terrors.”
Blondie-Dithers was upset that spilled blood on Dagwood’s pajamas.
Family Circus: Beanie? “Beanie” is not a turtle name. Beanie’s the name of something flatulent like a French bulldog or a plugger.
Hi And Lois: I assume that Lois is supposed to be holding a cellphone but it looks more like some kind of futuristic device like the Tricorder from Star Trek.
Beetle Bailey: “As you know, meditation involves doing The Robot in bed in order to reach oneness with the universe.”
Mary Worth: This arc is starting to feel like it’s very desperately trying to convince us that Wilbur isn’t a totally pathetic loser and unlikable asshole with no real redeeming qualities. The fact that the best arguments it could come up with is having him indirectly save a kid’s life by brusquely walking into that kid hard enough to knock him off his feet and never giving it a second thought indicates it’s fighting an uphill battle.
Mary Worth: I love Brigman’s choice of having the panel’s frame cut off the bottom half of Wilbur’s face, leaving the expression his mouth is making to the sick imaginations of her readers. I personally am picturing him tongue lolling like a Snuffy Smith character.
H&L – Hi has been at work all day and Lois is getting ready to go out. It’s pretty obvious that these two want to spend as little time together as possible. “Just say your little joke in to my phone and then I’ll get out of here.”
HnL: I imagine Lois is going to tell the joke *herself* after memorizing it, rather than just silently playing the recording. That just makes more sense to me, but far be it from me to question the almighty Hi and Lois.
MW: We’re moving on from the kid Wilbur indirectly saved to another run-in with an ex (presumably Iris and her young techbro hubby), which means that a pattern is establishing. Wilbur decides Iris left him for Zak because Zak’s rich, and wishes he had a lot of money. He gets accosted by a panhandler and shoves a couple bills into their hands just to get rid of them, not realizing he’s also passed them a winning Lotto ticket. Cue the sad trombones which are the eternal soundtrack to Wilbur’s existence.
Sarge finally gave Beetle a concussion.
https://www.healthline.com/health/fencing-response
@jroggs:
Followed by a four-month argument on the subject between Randy and April over in Judge Parker.
@Tom T.: “9CL: It’s awkward to end a storyline midweek, but given how tightly plotted it was, what could the author possibly cut from the “portly-sigmoid” run?”
The plot for this feature has collapsed down to “they fell in love at birth and have been together every minute of their lives ever since”.
Even letting them travel back and forward in time hasn’t helped, as they can only travel back and forward to times they were children in Catholic School speculating about sex.
At least we have Pibgorn. But the author waited too long to draw this installment, and now the bride is showing pretty heavily already. At least she’s a magic faerie with insect wings who can grow to 50′ tall and then shrink back to human size, so giving birth should be a breeze.
Today’s .Mary Worth was brought to you by the letter ‘X,’ and the number one, the loneliest number.
Buy Hi Sell Lois – So relatable. I forget jokes all the time, and I know I’m not the only one. For example, the writer of today’s strip completely forgot a joke!
MW: “Hello Wilbur.”
“Hello Death. ”
“Upon further review, you really shouldn’t be alive.”
CS: here’s hoping Harry Dinkle is killed in an unfortunate tuba accident.
H&L: Unfortunately for Lois, she won’t be able to repeat the joke at the book group, because the joke is very offensive to women. Also, Hi will be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Luann: “Full of potential”? That’s like saying Gunther is “perfectly sweet”.
Dustin: Haha, it’s funny because Dustin’s family hates him to the point of being borderline abusive!
…Seriously though, what the hell is wrong with this strip?
MW: Wilbur runs into the angry Monsignor from his former church. “Look, Father. Anyone with a Sunday morning hangover can mistake a baptismal font for a sitz bath.”
H&L: Lois makes sure to record herself informing Hi that she is recording the conversation so it’s not disallowed in court.
Judge: “We find your jokes both mind numbingly boring and particularly offensive. Divorce granted.”
MW — Is Entertainer Esme in town? If so, what good is sitting alone in your room?
C’shaft: You know what Harry Dinkle’s problem is? He no longer wears his uniform. When he was walking around with epaulettes on his shoulders and a peaked cap shoved down over his eyes, his manias were part and parcel of the “overbearing band director” caricature. Even now the costume might give him a pass, painting him as a sort of tragicomic veteran who never fully acclimated to civilian life. But in a sweater vest and jacket, he’s just a boorish old man and Dunning-Kruger case study.
Dustin: Dustsis is pretty awful–she does absolutely nothing other than look at her phone and say mean things–but I’m starting to think her awfulness is symptomatic of the sexism and reverse ageism that dominates the entire strip. As a woman in Dustin, her role is limited to doing things that make the men around her miserable; as a person under the age of 40, her role is limited to being an idle sponge on her elders and an example of Everything Wrong With the World Today.
Luann: Of course Luann is full of potential! I mean, sooner or later she’ll die, and her rotting corpse will provide essential nutrients to the soil and serve as a breeding ground for certain small creatures that form a key component of the food web. Until then, she’s kind of wasted space.
Pibgorn: I’m not saying the pacing of this strip is languid, but Pib and Padraig’s walk to the altar (which started exactly two strips ago) appears to have taken at least eight months.
That’s not meditation – it’s rigor mortis!
HnL: Watch as Hi lets rip with a real racist joke.
“Because their lips explode at 20,000 feet! Haw-haw! Get it? Their lips explode at 20,000 feet! Man, that Thirsty, he knows all the good ones!”
MW: Please let it be Fabiana, with a small child that looks like Wilbur in tow.
H&L – …and I says, Rectum…fuck it killed ‘im….
BB – …and he does the robot dance with his arms when he meditates….
MW – Why isn’t he leaving his trademark mayo slime trail?
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Exes Day is Elon Musk’s favourite day! He loves the letter “X”! Also all his romantic relations ended in messy divorces
Mary Worth: I don’t think he’s a clown but when my wife saw today’s close up of Wilbur she exclaimed, “Baja Gaijin! Run!”
GT: Dorothy Wolfe has the balls in her hands until the Cox pops…..UNSPEAKABLE SOFTBALL FILTH.
Normally I’d suggest that people who are bad at relationships like Wilbur take a good look at people who are better at them like Estelle’s new boyfriend and figure out what the successful ones do that is different than what the unsuccessful ones do, but I truly fear Wilbur’s takeaways would be to start euthanizing animals to impress women.
Aunty Acid: I liked this.
“Is Beetle clip art?”
“No, he’s copy-paste.”
“How can you tell the difference?”
“Lo, brother, I have felt the dread hand of the Walker-Browne upon me, drawing a ghostly halo around my form from a November 2004 panel, hitting CTRL-C and then CTRL-V, and here I stood, above a copy of Beetle who was clearly once holding a crudely drawn rifle in the panel he was copied from until the divine eraser removed it.”
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: I’m an atheist, stop trying to get me to join your cult.”
MW: Wilbur is shocked that his exes have dared to have lives beyond him. In his mind, they should have thrown themselves off of the highest point because they can’t do better than him…despite every ex trading up after leaving him.
H&L: Wait until Lois finds out that “I heard a good one today” refers to one of Thirsty’s belches and/or farts.
Come on, Beetle clearly passed away during the night in convulsions from Cookie’s food poisoning, and is in rigor mortis.
Fabiana: “Weelbur mi amor! I had your baby! He ees back home in Bogota Beach, weeth my cousin. Geev me ten thousand dollar to breeng heem here to you!”
Only Wilbur would consider that the woman he met at the dog park, had one date, and was rejected for still mooning over Iris as an “Ex”.
I’m probably alone in this, but I would so support a Wilber spinoff strip. Support it how, when physical newspapers barely exist? Don’t ask impertinent questions.
I’d support it by learning the proper spelling of his name, I guess.
@Little Guy: GA: “I’m going to insult the oldest person in town in public! Vote for me!”
While you’re not incorrect, you are way understating this. Not only is Walt the oldest living person on the planet, he’s the oldest person to have ever lived.
@64 JamesBont: on Luann: Yes, Luann’s head is “full of potential,” the polite way to say she’s an “incredibly stupid bubbleheaded ninnybrain.”
@73 Sequitur: Oooh! My fame has spread!
We’ve seen some…interesting backgrounds on Wilbur’s walk of shame. He’s gone from a shopping center to a series of brownstone style houses and is now on a seemingly isolated walking path. Just how will Girlfriends of Wilbur’s Past conclude, in a football stadium?
@81 Ukranazi Stepan: Did you see my mashups in comment #2?
MW – Unpopular opinion. What if the kid whose life he saved belongs to Fabiana? And this stroke of good fortune causes her to repent, and she ends up with Wilbur. And then we can have tons of Wilbur and the Kid (a la Chico and the Man). Anyone? Anyone?
@Brad D. Sibbersen: It can star Jay North writing for Oliver North, and Wilbur: North by North, Weston.
FC: In fact, Mommy, I’m going to make Beanie more comfortable by taking this old shell off of him.
@TheDiva, Pib: I was going to wait until next week to make a glib “three months, still no update”. Now Brooke reset the clock.
His pacing makes chess-by-mail look like Blitz Chess.
BB: Looks like the boys found Sarge’s inflatable sex doll.
@Little Guy:
#8. PHANTOM:. looks like the writers are trying to maximize the pool of Phantom Jr’s for next writer to choose from.
There’s KJ, of course, who is barely competent and may be destined to desert. There’s Heloise, who’s better skilled and talented but is a woman, you know. There’s Savarna’s potential set of twins who would be raised right but has no father to show them the ropes. I’ve forgotten his name, but the brave and skilled son of the tracker. Then there’s Devil’s pups who would probably be reluctant to wear striped shorts. Any other candidates for #22?
@Old School Allie Cat:
#89 MW:. Love your idea, but only if both Fabiana and Wilbur are sterile.
MW: The man sagged in his chair, semi-conscious, and barely registeterd the gravelly voice of one of his captors to “Wake him up!” before he screamed in pain, as the lit end of a cigarette was stubbed out on his cheek.
“He’s awake now, Boss.”
“Excellent.” The gravelly voice came from the darkness outside the circle of blinding light that was focused on his face. “Then I’ll ask you again. Where’s the kid?”
“I told you, I don’t KNOW!” the man whimpered. He shook his head and tightened his lips against the pain and humiliation. “Please. Please, he’s just a boy!”
“I know. A boy who had a job to do. Who didn’t take care of business. And now,” the voice continued, softer, but with that gravelly edge to it, “now, I’m out a ball. Balls don’t come cheap, pal.”
“I’ll buy you a new ball, I swear!” the man pleaded.
“And what about the Schlub? The kid was supposed to take out the Schlub. Oh, wait! Did you think I just gave him a lot of dough and a good ball for nothin’?” The voice suddenly had a face, a leering face that came out of the light and sneered at the man who struggled against the ropes that tied him. “No. No, I’m afraid I can’t afford to just pass out money here and there. And I definitely can’t spare the ball.”
“But he tried to take out the Schlub! He did! It’s just that his legs don’t work that great since he was born a cripple and never learned how to walk right, and he missed his footing!”
“‘He missed his footing!'” The mimicking voice had receded back into the darkness, and was now accompanied by the sound of the angry pacing on the concrete floor. The footsteps came back, and the face. “Yeah, he missed his footing, and he missed the Schlub. And now I miss my money. And my BALL.”
“WHY? WHY do you have to take out the Schlub?? He seems harmless enou–!” The man’s outburst was ended by a sudden, hard slap that struck across his mouth.
“I’ll tell you why. Sure, I’ll tell you, because you’ll never live to tell another living soul. The Schlub outperformed my girlfriend at karaoke. I own the damn joint, and he comes in and what does he have to do but be PRETTY GOOD. He HUMILIATED her, pal. And I don’t take that from NOBODY.” There was the sound of heavy breathing. “I hired the kid to do a job, see? And I expect something in return. So now YOU’RE going to take care of the Schlub, see?”
“But–but I don’t–!” Another slap.
“But you DO. You DO, got it? And THIS time there won’t be any mistakes. I’m right, aren’t I? THIS time, you’ll do what I already paid the kid to take care of, only he DIDN’T. So if you want to see the kid again, you’d better do the job right.”
“I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt my brother! He’s all I’ve got! Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, I swear!”
“That’s more like it. Vito, give him the dress.”
“The…dress?” the man asked, uncertainty and confusion in his voice.
“Yeah. The dress. We’re gonna work on you for a while–Doctor, you have your instruments?–and then you’re gonna go out there and play dress up. A quiet walk in a deserted park, you and the Schlub. Only you’ll be going as the Schlub’s EX. That way you can get close to him, before you give him THIS…!” The end of a snub-nosed revolver caught the light. “And you’ll do it because you want to see the kid again.”
The man slumped in his chair. He had no choice. His mother had told him that karaoke would get him into trouble, and she had been right. “I’ll do it.”
Beat Up Bailey: Did Josh mean Rodney Dangerfield’s My Sergeant doesn’t love me anymore?
Mary’s Worst: Good thing Wilburp was barely aware of the kid he “saved” or else he’d turn himself into goofy crime fighter Ex-Man.
H&L: “… I don’t know if I can take 67 more of those, lady.”
@Baja Gaijin: Helen Keller saw this coming, which is surprising since she’s blind and has been dead over half a century.
She also couldn’t drive. You needed to work that into the routine.
@99 Maude R. Fawker: Helen Keller couldn’t drive. Even in Florida?
DT: I can’t wait to learn the story of how someone commits four bank robberies and then gets reduced to robbing gas stations. Even if the money was inaccessable somehow, why not keep robbing banks? Then again, checking the Dick Tracy Wiki, I learn that Scardol had a sophisticated car-disguising set-up for his gas station robberies, so maybe he spent all the bank scores on that, and then he had to keep robbing gas stations, because otherwise it would have been a waste of time and money.
FC: TFW you’ve thought of a gag that requires the Keanes to have a tortoise and decide, what the hell, they have a tortoise.
FG: I love that Bok has discovered they’re fighting robots by just straight up tearing through his opponent’s sternum and being surprised his claws don’t come back bloody.
OTF: Goodness, On the Fastrack has done a “metaphorical representation of an internet thing” gag that … kind of works? It is possible!
Phantom: When I say Devil’s smarter than Stripey, I’m prepared to concede it’s close. When I say he’s smarter than Kit, it really isn’t.
SH: “Pam’s okay! While her cat, who suddenly turned out to have been in the office the whole time, was guiding us to the disused fallout shelter where we would be safe from the hurricane, she was somewhere else that was also safe, and is now outside looking very much like she just stepped out of a car! There is no part of this which needs to be questioned!”
Six Chex In Search Of A Punchline would like you to know: Only 200 days left to whine until Halloween, so start letting your pumpkins get moldy while there’s still time!
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Come on, Beetle clearly passed away during the night in convulsions from Cookie’s food poisoning, and is in rigor mortis.
______________
Beetle’s in a Dick Tracy villain?
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Pibgorn: But will she give birth to a human child, or a cloud of flying faerie maggots?
@Brad D. Sibbersen:
I’m probably alone in this, but I would so support a Wilber spinoff strip. Support it how, when physical newspapers barely exist? Don’t ask impertinent questions
_____________________
Wilburp should be exported into “Crankshaft” as the live replacement for the 24/7 marathons Channel 1 is running of “The John Darling,Who Was Murdered, Show” reruns. Belly Buster from “Greatest American Hero” could be his Pete Moss. That’s my invention exchange for this week, What do you think, Sirs?
Don Abundio, translated:
“Look, Don Abundio, a bird with no feathers!”
“How does it fly?”
“Terrible…”
“But your aim is even worse!”
@Voshkod:
“Is Beetle clip art?”
________________
No, Clip Art is the new private working with Gizmo Device on Camp Swampy’s new web comic “Now, What?”
Six Chix – It’s enough to make a paper doll drop their bubble tea!
@Horace Broon: re: FG: Queen Fria is right there next to him, keeping up, chopping off arms right and left with her “snowblade.” These Frigians don’t fuck around when they catch you swiping their expensive minerals.
DT: “Scardol” sounds like a kind of fuel additive, like STP. “Fill up TODAY with Tree Frog brand gasoline, now with SCARDOL!” Maybe the formula was a Scardol family secret until Big Gas Station stole it and started marketing their own version, leading Scardol to begin sticking up retailers in revenge. How dashing! Like Dennis Moore and the lupines.
@Peanut Gallery:
Don Abundio may be a bad shot, but he DOES manage to keep that hat balanced atop his Weeble™ style head.
@Garrison Skunk: Yeah, even when it flies up in the air! That’s something that mildly bugs me about this strip every time I notice it. The hats are all too small and they’re just perched precariously on people’s heads.
@Peanut Gallery:
Six Chix – It’s enough to make a paper doll drop their bubble tea!
_________
Not to mention losing their cookies.
FRAZZ:. Know I’m in minority, but I like this strip. I ran my first and last full marathon and at end got a “completion” pendant with red ribbon. And it was tooth and nail! People (most with blonde hairpieces) were trying to trade their yellow or green ribbons (short races) for a red. The volunteer handing them out had to physically fight them off until runners came to her rescue.
MW: As an Iowan, I have been regularly reminded over the decades that the residents of some other states are generally fitter than we are here. California is one of those states. I envision California walkers as briskly striding along, though of course Mary and Toby are depicted as less brisk because they are occupied with weird dialogue.
But here we have Wilbur, hands deep in pockets, eyes lowered, doing the Amble of Self-Pity. Thank you, Wilbur, and I mean that.
@I speak Jive: re FC: Good eye! Yes, that’s Turtle Carl, from fifty years ago! He was a client of my ol’ man, Sid Sr., back then. I remember he came back from that Family Circus gig and said “never again!” That’s why they have to show archival re-runs… Luckily his shell did grow back with no consequences… He then disappeared for a few decades – I hear he went on a long ocean trip – and when he turned up again he had somehow hooked up with Uncle Lumpy… but I don’t judge.
re Rhymes with Orange: A rare Porcupine gig! We do have a few in our stable, and many are quite talented, like Porter here. And there’s a few who are just pricks, but we let ’em stick around in case we need to clean the barbeque grill…
When I wrote earlier that Helen Keller couldn’t see how ugly “she” is, I meant “he.” I was referring to how ugly Wilbur is, not Helen.
My apologies to Helen. Anne Sullivan, too.
@Poteet:
My sister lives in California, and I’m in Tennessee. Genetics plays a big role in our body types, but she’s very California shaped – long and lean. I, like Tennessee am more wide than tall – not literally, but… you get the idea.
Lady, if you think I’m sticking around for 66 more of those, you’re crazy.
Family Circlejerk – Beany has that look from the Flintstones like he’s going to break the fourth wall and say, “It’s a living.”
Marvin Spanish to English.
Everyone’s had a ride with Wilbur Weston, he’s like the town bicycle — or possibly the town bike stand, whatever, the man’s a stud. So he could be reacting to anyone.
Is it Kitty, with his previously unknown daughter, Sonia?
Or Sonia, with his previously unknown mother, Kitty?
My money is on Mary Worth-obsession and noted blank-shooter Keith Hillend.
@116 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: We knew what you meant.
@117 Old School Allie Cat: To quote Sir Mix-a-Lot, she has the “LA Face” while you have the “Oakland Booty.”
@astroboy: Helen of School Management: the face that sunk a thousand ships.
@taig: Luann: Mention Luann’s “Inner Beauty,” and she’ll practically throw her parents’ money at you!
Yeah, let’s all think back to the time she full-on begged her father for pizza by mimicking a literal dog.
https://www.gocomics.com/luann/2023/03/19
@Ukulele Ike: #109: There is an automotive additive, not sure if it’s for fuel or oil, called Bardall. Back during the 60s spy craze they even ran a bunch of TV ads featuring The Man from Bardall. He’d reach into his trenchcoat like he was about to draw a gun and instead pull out a can of Bardall.
@KMD: Not a remake of Oldboy I’d ever want.
@Baja Gaijin: Family Circus: Beanie? “Beanie” is not a turtle name. Beanie’s the name of something flatulent like a French bulldog or a plugger.
Hey, watch it, buddy!
@JamesBont: Maybe Luann is full of potential like a lump of coal is full of potential.
Slylock Fox – We joke about the Fox Universe post- human extermination and subsequent building of a sentient animal civilization, but here is the introduction of their new animal-centric theology! “And after being scourged by Pontius Simianus, Jonas Croc arose and walked upon the water…”
BB: Lying in bed with your knees bunched up and your arms out stiff like a robot is an unusual position for meditation. Looks great for if you want to concentrate your mind on bodily aches and pains.
MW: Wilbur sees his self-respect walking down the road. They broke up years before he moved to Charterstone.
That’s not meditation, that’s fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, the “living statue” disease! No “Zs” because his jaw has already ossified in place. The end is near.
MANDRAKE:. For me, this comic has just jumped the shark. Hard enough to believe an old intergalactic phone still provides good coverage, that the Deletter would know about or bother with a simple murder on Earth.
What’s unbelievable he can teletransport from millions of miles faster than the speed of light. Is there science I don’t know? Or is it truly fiction?
AC: Yes, this young(?) lady could be the dictionary illustration for “butterface” but Andy’s cockblocking annoys Guitar Bob on principle.
Blondie: Dithers really should make a plan to put up “Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day Not Observed Here” signs next April.
C-Shaft: The “default factory setting” is something they have in common. Only one can survive now.
DT: My guess would have been that Scardol made an ill-fated attempt at juggling loaded handguns, but since he jacks up (present tense) gas stations it seems that his story is a little longer than that. Whether it’s any less hilarious remains to be seen.
Luann: It’s one thing to fall for the old good cop/bad cop routine, but it takes a special kind of dim to fall for good/bad whatever these two are.
Phantom: That’s the nice thing about having a wolf companion. Not only are they brave and loyal, but they don’t have thumbs or carry smartphones and won’t tape your undignified “GURKK!” for posterity.
Pibgorn: Ah, pregnancy, with its rush of…methamphetamines, judging from Pibby’s face and hair.
RMMD: It looks like what the Morgans need now is something that can medically induce vomiting in dogs. There’s no better time for a Mary Worth crossover.
@Guillermo el chiclero: “Bardahl did it again.”
Phantom — could we possibly be going for a dog death trifecta? First Farley in reFOOB, then probably Candi in RMMD… Could Devil be next?
@Old School Allie Cat: Hey, I had never thought of that! How interesting! *looks at the shape of California* *looks at the shape of Tennessee* *looks at the shape of Iowa* Well, dang. And yep, me too. Now I wonder where Wilbur grew up…
It’s possible Wilbur’s kid-saving bump fallout isn’t over. While he’s been moping around on the sidewalks, the kid’s mother called Eyewitness News and now the search is on for the “Accidental Hero”. Chin up, Wilbur! Your spotlight’s coming!
@Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Luckily his shell did grow back with no consequences … So Billy did try to help Beany “come out of his shell”?
MW: This is Wilbur we’re looking at, so even Dingo would have found it challenging to make a joke out of that “hard.” RIP, Dingo, you are still remembered.
@Poteet:
Amen.
re: States and fitness. My state of Colorado is rated the Fittest State in America. My theory is, it’s because, outside of eastern CO (aka West Nebraska,) the whole damn state is crooked, so you’re walking uphill 50% of the time.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: re: AC: I noted her odd, gorilla-like face too. Also the over-the-knee dress, at odds with the usual women Andy hits on, who mainly look like the 1950s ladies extant in Hartlepool when this strip began. (Is “Hartlepool ladies” an oxymoron?)
@Guillermo el chiclero: I miss the 1960s spy craze. At least we still can enjoy the Parodies.
Late Thread Cuisine: A “Slimmers Card” recipe so you know it’s gooood!
@Baja Gaijin: I’m getting slimmer just looking at it.
@Baja Gaijin:
I just bought that at Starbucks.
Man, was I ripped off.
@Baja Gaijin: With a less retro presentation, it could be a fancy contemporary restaurant dessert. Mousse a la cafe crème sucre.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Another fuel/oil additive is the wonderfully named Marvel Mystery Oil, which was once blamed by the NTSB for an aircraft accident. The pilot had added it to his fuel, which was strictly prohibited for the Lycoming engine. Extensive damage occurred on takeoff. In an NTSB post aircraft accident investigation published in 2003, it was reported that Marvel Mystery Oil was composed of 74 percent mineral oil, 25 percent stoddard solvent and 1 percent lard.
@142 Baja Gaijin:
What a horrible thing to do with a good cup of coffee.
@147 Sequitur: The card’s copyrighted in 1967. I doubt it was that good of a cup of coffee. Probably a burnt mug of stale Maxwell House from the percolator.
@148 Baja Gaijin:
There were ways of making some damn good coffee in 1967. I remember.
@jroggs:
Causing a great deal of out-migration to Tennessee.
@Baja Gaijin: Wow. I deeply bow, Baja, that is one of your more amazing finds. To quote Dumpington Van Lump from long, long ago, “Urp!”
@Baja Gaijin: I’m really thankful that I don’t drink coffee. Or eat it.
GT – “Glove!”? “Glove!” is a thing you can yell in baseball? I like it! Now I wanna go to a baseball game and repeatedly yell “GLOVE!”
@Baja Gaijin: Mmmmm, asphalt pucks. Excellent way to start your day.
DT – Side effects of Scardol are usually mild and may include fatigue, anaphylaxis, short-term memory loss, death, yeast infections, short-term memory loss, insanity, vampirism, lycanthropy, long-term memory loss, and athlete’s foot. If death occurs, discontinue use and consult a police detective.
@142 Baja Gaijin: There’s a recipe for that? I would have thought all that was necessary was just to wait, for it naturally to come out of the rear end of a hippopotamus.
@156 seismic-2:
And the hippo would be glad to serve it to you .
*FLING*
@White Rabbit:
@Sequitur:
What a horrible thing to do with a good cup of coffee.
@Garrison Skunk: It’s all about the beeswax.
@158 Uncle Lumpy:
Ha!
@Peanut Gallery: GT: Dorothy Glove? I thought her name was Dorothy Wolfe.
Mary’s Worst proudly(?)presents WILBURP WESTON – ONE MAN ABBOTT & COSTELLO “What IS this? Where IS my chick magnet, Who ATE all the Miracle Whip™?”
Salmon Squares and lime Kool-Aid™ with strips of baloney will be served at intermission.
(No one under 18 will be admitted during the Suscawana Hat Company sequence.).