He’ll get that meth lab yet, I believe in him
Post Content
The Phantom, 5/4/26
President Goranda is, according to the extremely detailed Phantom wiki I just discovered, the leader of Ivory Lana, the country that was the setting of the storyline that just wrapped up, and, look, I get that it’s fun to be like, “Wow! There’s our friend! He’s on TV!” but if your friend is literally a president, he’s going to be on the news a fair amount. That’s like one of a president’s main jobs! So no need to get all worked up about it, is what I’m saying.
Mary Worth, 5/4/26
Oh hell yes it’s a Tommy storyline, everybody! A storyline where Tommy is sad! I don’t think we have to ask why he’s sad — the main driver of negative emotions in the Mary Worth universe is romantic failure, so I assume his onion ring fiancee just dumped him. The more fun question is how he’ll react. Will he turn to weed? Pills? Crack cocaine?
Our lord and savior Jesus Christ? I am very excited to find out!
Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/26
If you’re wondering “Which comics did a ‘May The Fourth Be With You’ joke today,” one of the answers is obviously that the dork-ass nerds over at Intelligent Life did it, which I’m not even going to bother showing you because you could’ve guessed that in advance. But if you’re wondering “Which comics did a ‘May The Fourth Be With You’ joke today and somehow managed to completely fuck up the phrasing in baffling ways,” then the possibly also not surprising answer is Herb and Jamaal, apparently.
Beetle Bailey, 5/4/26
OK, fine, newspaper comics are fundamentally an art form by and for old people at this point, but I still think that doing a strip whose punchline is “Everyone younger than 45 is literally an alien to me” is a little on the nose.
163 replies to “He’ll get that meth lab yet, I believe in him”
My money’s on Tommy and “Trixie” running into each other and bonding over their woes and long hair.
MW: Online romance, Tommy! What could go wrong?
Meanwhile at the Beedie apartment:
Tommy, alias “John Long”, alias Trixie: “I should have stayed on at the pig butchering scam centre! At least I had food and a job!”
Toby: “That’s why I make sure I’m never lonely! I have the parrots to talk to! What about you, Mary?”
Mary: “I have you parrots to talk to, too! Wait, did I say that out loud?”
BB: “I guess I could beat them into a mass of barely recognized fleshy pulp, but what even is the color of their blood? Are they toxic to us? Will it cause an intergalactic incident?”
Wrecks Moregone:
Ten minutes later Lonnie tries to climb in through Mae Mae’s window to blackmail her, mistakes the room, and is bashed over the noggin by Mud with a water jug.
Whatever is that pink light that’s reflecting off both Mae Mae’s and Mud’s faces, including grin underneath? Is Mud holding a torch between them, pointing up?
BB: That’s not what “green recruits” are.
Sarge’s problem with the new recruits is that they’re all naked.
JP … oh, forget whether you’re bad parents or friends, we’re stuck thinking that you’ve got the dumbest “sneaky way to get a message” tradecraft. A Little Orphan Annie decoder ring would have made more sense at this point. Actually, if April dug her CIA credentials out of a box of Crackerjacks, that would explain a lot.
DT Speaking of dumb, Tracy *really* went with doctored images of the imagined disguises of April 22, not a range of options, just… yeah, the *only* thing Doubleup would try is an anime biker get up, and BB wouldn’t be caught dead wandering Neo-Chicago in anything other than a barbershop quartet outfit. Sure. Right. Luckily the police didn’t have any imagination for Mumbles so put a hat on his pic making the ‘disguise’ photo vaguely recognizable *and* that he was the one going out!
Ph: “I happen to know he was just mentioned in the chronicles of the skull cave” What an oddly phrased sentence. Did you mean that you were just reading about it? Because you can just say that.
MW: Speaking of oddly phrased sentences, having two transitional phrases beginning your sentence just makes it confusing. Like, it almost sounds like you’re saying that Tommy is speaking of loneliness? Maybe he’s at his Camus literary discussion group.
H&J: Sorry, I’ve only ever seen the Turkish version of Star Wars. That is the catchphrase, right?”
BB: Ooops, looks like those nuclear experiments at Camp Swampy have finally caught up with them. Well, if you can’t beat them, have them join you! That’s the phrase, right?
BB Sarge, if you’ve dealt with all those generations, you are decades past mandatory retirement age. Let the Pentagon know about their mistake and take your pension.
Today’s strip contains deep Beetle Bailey lore. Sarge has been alive since the 1960s at least (canonically, he was a WWII vet), so he has had to train and shape several generations of recruits, each with its own culture, all turned into pieces in the American tapestry. He embodies the eternal Sergeant, forever ready to serve the USA. But on this 250th anniversary, Sarge feels he cannot perform his duty anymore, he cannot make Americans of these aliens, they are too different. I expected Shoe to go full nativist first, but I am not surprised it is Beetle Bailey
GA: Meh. At least Scancarelli wasn’t dumped by a cheerleader in the pharmacy.
MW: Or is that Tommy’s mom? I mean, it’s hard to tell them apart.
The USA is readying for war, the meat grinder demands fresh blood, so the Army was forced to lower its standards to increase its recruitment rate. That they are aliens is not a problem, but they surely do not meet the minimum height requirements!
Monty: Why is it that a cartoon animal wearing a thong is somehow more obscene than when that animal just walks around naked?
Of course it is autoresponse! Regular church folks know all the rituals and repeat them like trained monkeys, but do not feel them in any deep sense, so that they cannot distinguish a mild joke from the celebration of the Last Supper. That’s savage ravaging of organised religion, kudos!
Phantom: And this President was the one who dissed Schmelon Schmusk 2-3 storylines ago, was he not?
JP: ‘… but since we’ve joined the Movementarians our lives are so much better! We invite you to join us on the spaceship to Blisstonia! Nana nana nana Lee-derrr!!!’
My last name is “Weiner” so I can give advice: No one will ever take “Tommy Beedie” seriously. Go with “Tom.”
Makes sense that the Phantom would use a standing desk to stay swole.
The Phantom:
Lord knows this strip gives a lot of opportunity, but still, no reason to kink-shame.
Ph: Why does our hero look like he’s checking reservations at a particularly fashionable cave-lit restaurant? Of course he can’t watch the president on television, he’s got dinner prep!
H&J: A few years ago, the Catholic Church retranslated the liturgy and changed “And also with you” to “And with your spirit”. Now every time I go to a wedding or funeral, I stumble over the words and briefly the world feels strange and alien. Almost as strange and alien as it feels when I read “Hey, Rev, you made it by today!” printed in the newspaper as if we should all know what it means.
Looking ahead at the May schedule for Mary Worth: Tomorrow: Tommy cries out for help. May 11: Tommy goes on a men’s encounter with Ian, Wilbur and Carlos Alora. May 18: Tommy dies during the naked drum circle. May 25: Mary and Toby return to the spa for another self-congratulatory getaway.
Also The Phantom: Wait, who writes the Chronicles of Skull Cave, and where do they get their information? If it’s not Mr. Walker himself, is the cave not just sentient, but omnipotent? Do they keep a series of Woruba monks imprisoned in a back chamber, ceaselessly reading the papers from around Africa and using parchment and quill pens to transcribe relevant tidbits for the Phantom’s daily security briefing? It’s…it’s that, isn’t it.
Blondie Wow, Mary Worth’s self-congratulatory victory lap for doing nothing has managed to annoy other comic strips this time!
Beatniks, hippies, punks and goths. All subcultures not especially aligned with the military’s ethos of obedience and conformity.
Then, they throw in ‘Gen Xers*’, as ostensibly the whole generation is comprised of undesirable and irregular schmoes. Actually, I suppose that checks out.
*Hat tip to all Gen X folks named Jennifer and the amazing puns they’ve created with their name and ‘generation’.
The Ghost Who Influences — Chronicles of the Skull Cave is trending! Especially their new app Only Phantoms — what can Mr. Walker do for you today?
MW –After a long weekend with Mary, Toby had run through her limited conversation topics and was forced to repeat herself in an effort to fill the gaping maw of silence. Little did she suspect that the Vortex of Clumsy Transition would settle on Tommy
Herb and Jamaal, translated: “On May the fourth I’ll be with you” => “May the fourth, I’ll be with you” => “The fourth, I’ll be with you” => “The Lord be with you.” “Thank you, Rev. Croom, but we’re Pentecostals, we don’t use liturgy.”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: That’s the part we’re supposed to wonder about before they plop down a mundane explanation – the Phantoms write the Chronicles, it’s sometimes shown in the strip. So, is it “I wrote it myself during an amnesiac phase”, “the guy’s actually waayyy older than he looks and my dad wrote about his youth”, or “there’s a Bandar prophecy about Ivory Lana and i’m jealous of the elders my ancestor got the work with because *this* one isn’t Nostradamus-vague but gave specific details of his name, date of birth and the assassination that will kill him in 8 days if we don’t do something”. But like a guy in an alien mask, somehow they’ll make it less interesting than it first appears.
@Ettorre: Side eye, but also every preacher knows shouting out “The Lord be with you!” is how you get people’s attention so you can start the potluck dinner after church.
The Phantom: What kind of smug-ass response is that, Walker? “I happen to know Goranda was mentioned in the Chronicles of the Skull Cave, a thing that I write. Me, The Phantom!”
MW: Oh, good, I wasn’t the only one who briefly thought Tommy was the escaped John “Trixie” Long.
But Not Cthulhu, I think you’re being overly optimistic with the timeline — even the relatively-brief Harv and Trixie story took over two months.
@pugfuggly: I suspect the odd phrasing of just mentioned in the chronicles” is because The Phantom is about to go into a flashback, where we see a young Goranda’s adventure with the current Phantom’s predecessor.
Herb and Jamaal:
While the phrase “the Lord be with you” (Dominus vobiscum in Latin) is used by a variety of Christian denominations, it is most closely associated with Roman Catholicism. The response, Et cum spiritu tuo, is traditionally rendered in English as “and also with you”, which is the version used by Reverend Croom’s unseen parishioner. However, in 2011 the Vatican changed the official translation to “and with your spirit” to more accurately reflect the original Latin. From this evidence I am forced to conclude that Reverend Croom is running a reactionary Sedevacantist church that regards the Second Vatican Council and all subsequent innovations as heretical.
OMG TOBY! You’re still talking about Dick Cravat?!? Is life with Ian that tedious that you can carry this single topic of conversation through an entire spa day through to the next morning?!?! Both of you know Wilbur Wilkins! Surely even when he’s not being the central character he’s getting his head stuck in a vase or something!
***
Beatniks? Beatniks? Snorkle is, at his possible oldest, a Gen Xer himself because… yeah, that tracks (but weird lumping an entire generation in with lifestyle choices). He might have come across a hippy or two which would be weird because nobody in the US would have been drafted since he was old enough to join the army, but beatniks? I don’t dig it, daddy-o.
I hope Toby remembers to take the cucumber slices off her eyes before she drives home.
Phantom:
“Say, what’s to eat for Devil and me, honey? — I’m ready for a Duran Duran dinner.”
“A ‘Duran Duran’ dinner?!?”
“Yep. I’m hungry, like the wolf!”
@Tabby Lavalamp: Also, I remain convinced that there were more beatniks in the comic strips than in San Francisco.
MW:
It stands to reason that Mary would have brought her purple cowl to Claremont. Otherwise, her streak of having worn it for 853 consecutive days would have been interrupted.
MW:
Thesis: David Crosby wrote “Almost Cut My Hair” in frustration after seeing Tommy Beedie’s tonsorial mess. Discuss.
Beetle – I kinda like the idea that being a Gen Xer is just a lifestyle choice, or possibly a Halloween costume, and if you get tired of it you can switch to something else. I’m contemplating a move to lumberjack, myself.
H&J – “On May the fourth, I’ll be with you.” “And also with you, Padre!” That’s right, the Reverend Shroom will be with himself. Because wherever you go, there you are. Man, these are some good shrooms.
BB: Sarge starting his list with beatniks makes sense because Beetle joined up in the 1950’s.
DT: Sam is showing the MCU can do basic police work. – knocking on doors and showing pictures. Why is he mad though? It gets him out of the office and gives him an excuse to hit his favorite delis. If he hits 6 a day he’ll kill off almost a whole week.
JP: a few years ago this plot development would have channeled the story in a few directions. In the era of deep fakes Ann and Neddy want to do a very careful look at this video and so keep Bogdan tied up for the coming 5 days.
MW: Thank you everyone for explaining that this is not “Trixie” but someone who looks very much like him. Is Mary going to help him shrug off this latest heartache?
RMMD: are they under a sodium street lamp? Is that why there is a color tint change.
Will Evil Ned Flanders try to blackmail Lorna? Will Lorna turn the tables on him by revealing his plot?! Will the public turn on them both thinking it is a publicity stunt?
Slylock: Maybe the guy was doing radio astronomy?!
Don Abundio, translated:
“Did we get everything we need from the store?”
“Vodka… tomato juice… tequila… limes…”
“We’re all set! We should be thoroughly crocked by the time he catches up with us…”
MW:
Tommy is sort of the “Mongo” from Blazing Saddles of “Mary Worth.” In equal parts laconic and dimwitted, he just sort of glacially proceeds through life like a gelatinous lump, a doppelganger of Ernest Borgnine’s “Marty.”
So, do the Chronicles of Skull Cave write themselves? Is it a magical book of some kind? You’d think if the Phantom had magic they wouldn’t need to run a bizarre cult to perpetuate the myth of an ageless crimefighter who never dies and remains unchanged through the centuries when they could just have the real thing…
Apparently Sarge is that rarest of breeds: a comic strip character aware of his whole history and his unchanging, unaging nature through the decades.
(Huh, when I started thinking about this comment I didn’t realize about the connection between the two comments… and considering this is the same Phantom as when the strip debuted nearly a century ago, one could argue that they really do have the real thing…)
MW: This is the fastest wrap-up Mary Worth has done in, what, at least a decade? I have to assume Moy had originally planned some epic plot with John Long and the rescue of all the others in the scam center, but then realized she didn’t care.
BB – “Come on, Snorkel! They’re green! Like plants! Put ’em down as cannon fodder.”
RMMD: Fergus/Mud is a big guy and he has experience as an asshole. Lonnie might be cruisin for a bruisin.
@Treetown: Yes, Mary is going to help Tommy shrug off his latest heartbreak, just like the last three (four?) times it’s happened. Because, as we all know, 20-something men are always happy to take dating advice from 60-something women.
Beetle Bailey-Just sneeze on the new recruits, Sarge. I’m sure your Earth germs will get rid of them.
MW-Got to love those long pauses in Mary and Toby’s conversations. “Several hours later the next day Toby responds to what Mary said the day before.”
FC-Jeffy is offering himself up as a sacrifice to himself.
Is it my imagination or does the rev./padre in Herb and Jamal look quite a bit like Bozo the Clown?
Secondarily, why would Kit and Diana wear any clothes at all in Skull Cave? Nobody gets in (well, except that statuesque blonde that The Phantom roofied after spit roasting her with Guran), it’s probably pleasantly cool in contrast to the moist, muggy, Bangalla jungle, and it has that blood-warm waterfall they periodically shower in. Why bother with clothing that’s almost certainly irritating and unnecessary in that climate?
I’m sorry, but Sarge should be a Gen Xer himself. These Camp Swampy folks don’t age, huh?
@Schroduck: My Episcopal church does “and also with you” most of the time, but subs in the older “and with thy spirit” during more solemn times like Lent. It keeps the regulars on their toes, if nothing else.
Oh, man, today’s Beetle Bailey answers so many questions. For years, we’ve pondered about Camp Swampy. Why do they wear uniforms from different time periods? Why don’t they fight in wars? Why hasn’t the Pentagon closed the damn place? But today, it’s all answered. Camp Swampy is controlled by the same folks who control Area 51, where the aliens are stored, and the personnel are all subjects of the Philadelphia Experiment, sent back in time during various DoD tests. Sarge and Beetle, from Korea. The General, from World War II. Lt. Fuzz, the post-Vietnam army, while Lt. Flap came right out of Saigon. Otto, of course, is the end-result of some gene splicing MK/ULTRA crap. Call Scully and Mulder, we got us an X-File here.
MW: Hey, a person of color, in Mary Worth? Oh wait, she’s in a servile role. OK, never mind, carry on.
FG: Flash, that was a kinder, gentler Ming you met, before the nasty divorce. I heard the first wife really took him to the cleaners. After that, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
And where are all the Kent State anniversary punch lines, hmmm? No nostalgia for the days you had to call in the National Guard to get citizens shot to death?
Arlo & Janis – He didn’t even have to praise her matchless beauty. Brooke, this is how to do it.
I love A & J.
Pluggers – Even less dignified: chasing his toupee down the street.
JP – Randy got himself shaved and cleaned up for his Amway recruitment pitch.
@Bob Tice: Tommy just pawn in game of life.
MW: “The Beedie apartment”? So, did we forget that Iris married her hot video game entrepreneur boy toy, and presumably moved in to his tech bro mansion with him? Or did Zac not learn his lesson and ended up falling off a cliff while trying to take a selfie, casting Iris back into single mom territory?
Phantom: The librarian in me is wondering how all the information in the Chronicles of Skull Cave is indexed. I mean, obviously anyone who is still updating via quill and ink pot hasn’t gotten around to getting the whole thing digitized, but does it include cross-references? Who updates the bibliography–does the Ghost Who Walks have to do that after his nightly journaling session, or is there an archivist among the Bandar? The fact that I’m asking these questions in a plot that started with a terrorist getting sprung from prison by an alien shows how much hope I have for the payoff of that premise.
@Ukulele Ike: I was planning to mention that anniversary. Tonight I will observe it by watching a video of “Ohio,” like I do every May 4.
@Ukulele Ike: #58: I’m surprised Tom Batiuk, an actual Kent alum who placed several of his strip’s characters there on that fateful day hasn’t.
Dustin: Sure, there’s wars, gas prices are skyrocketing, individual rights are being sledgehammered, data centers are eradicating the advances made in climate restoration, AI is making people stupider by the minute and Mr. Beast has his own line of snacks, but the real problem is your adult son exploring creative interests.
JP: So did Randy shave, or did they record this message first and a few months later think, “You know, maybe we should get your dad up to speed as well…”
Pluggers have never been dignified in any circumstances, ever.
BB: Sarge, while you’re going through the litany of assorted American counter culture types, I’m surprised you didn’t mention 1950s greasers, considering you have one in your platoon. His name’s Rocky, remember?
Phantom: The Chronicles of the Skull Cave are prophecies?
(I’m picturing a long cryptic wall of inscribed wording that lists events from the past, present and future)
I wonder if he read up to “Kit became the next Phantom and not Heloise, because girls are icky!”
Heathcliff: I know it’s Star Wars Day and all but there’s something really unsettling that out of the thousands of characters Heathcliff has made friends with Jabba the Hutt.
MW: “Here’s your check, Mrs. Worth.”
“She doesn’t look like us. Do you know her?”
“That’s Carla Alora, our caretaker’s daughter.”
“Is she legal? Should I call ICE?”
“Toby are you the reason the lawn remains unmowed.”
“I happen to know that my next bowel movement will be astounding and will be mentioned in the Chronicles of Skull Cave’s Bathroom.”
@Guillermo el chiclero: Typically Batuik move to exploit the shooting, of course. But I’ve found most Kent Staters really hate that their Alma mater is nationally recognized for precisely that one thing. Nobody says “It’s the one place east of the Mississippi for the immersion study of the Latin decadent poets!”
@Guillermo el chiclero: Zoot Suiters! The single most hilarious U.S. subculture of the last century. Snorkel was just a raw recruit when he and his pals were beating THOSE guys to a pulp.
If Sarge has trained or was a beatnik or hippie, he should long be enjoying that pension.
@Ettorre: The sad thing is these aliens were told at the recruiting station that enlistment in the Army would guarantee them a path to citizenship (and work skills in demand by the private sector).
Boy, are they in for a surprise in two years.
The Phantom: Love how Phantom is actually agreeing with Josh about Goranda being on television all the time. “Honey, I’m doing superhero stuff right now, I got better things to do than see if the CNN camera guy got a decent angle of Goranda’s ass.”
Mary Worth: Legit took me a solid minute to realize this is supposed to be Tommy and not “Trixie”. The artisr REALLY needs to work on their character design diversity.
To illustrate;
Also Mary Worth: PLOT TWIST; Trixie was actually the real Tommy, and this crying dude is an imposter who sold him to a call center scammer to steal his life! He just got the word from his boss that Tom-Trix escaped and knows that the wronged Beedie is on his way to claim a bloody revenge…
Beetle Bailey: Think the backstory here is that Earth has been conquered by alien invaders Half Life 2-style and Sarge immediately turned quisling, selling out his fellow humans and offering advice to the younger aliens on hunting people, resulting in Camp Swampy’s conversion into a occupation base. Their first mission, naturally, will be executing the notorious anti-citizen known as Beetle Bailey, preferably in front of his sister and her family.
BB: Indis Vindicta glances over at today’s Beetle Bailey and has second thoughts. Should he maybe have gone more old school for his alien costume? The green skin/antennae look does have a certain swingin’ bachelor pad panache.
MW: Featuring Tommy right after wrapping up a storyline where a Tommy lookalike was seemingly imprisoned and doing hog butchery against his will is confusing in either an avant-garde way or an inept way, depending on how much benefit of the doubt you’re inclined to give.
BB: Sarge was transferred to the Space Force recently and is having a hard time adjusting. Also, he’s unaware that the Space Force is a thing.
MW: Tommy is back?! Oh, this will be delightful.
Tommy’s tears are like fresh rainwater making the barren land fecund. Soon Mary will harvest and feast on it, in a Pagan orgy of the cycle of nature
MW: What th—? We’re finally gettin’ a Tommy and Brandy story – but Brandy’s gone missing, along with her CAT! Do you know how many generations of talented Cat actors we’ve had waiting in the wings to star in this role?? It’s a lot, I’m tellin’ ya!
I guess this is why The Ladies didn’t tell me they were switching gears to Tommy’s Troubles. I thought we were gonna get more of Muffin’s backstory and character development. Oh, she’s not really spending time with the Parrots and “Uncle Ian” – that was just a fake-out The Ladies put in the script to generate comments from the audience.
Well, maybe this “loneliness” thing is just an introductory hook, too. Maybe Brandy is just off at a grocery cashiers’ convention or something. We’re not givin’ up yet! Hey Intern, how’s the “Brandy’s Cat” inventory holding up? Yeah, go run ’em through their character protocol again.
Pluggers: It’s also hard to look dignified while suffering a cardio-cerebral event and collapsing into a gelatinous heap of shattered bones on the sidewalk because you’re a sedentary 80+ year-old dog-man* who attempted a full-tilt max effort 10-yard dash to retrieve what must be one of a dozen John Deere trucker hats you own.
*What is that in human years? 240?
@Austria: You are mispronouncing “Space Force”.
The official Administration-approved pronounciation is (ahem)
SPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOOOOORCE!!!!!!!!
I misread “Beedle” as “Seedie” and wondered how John Long could afford rent in a seedy apartment and what is the matter with Karen Moy.
Mary Worth: Wait, they’re serving bread — what kind of spa is this? Even those small slices will introduce too many grams of carbs into everyone’s carefully massaged and hot-tubbed bodies! At least Mary is doing the right thing and just eating two ounces of salmon over a simple green-pea salad. And possibly that bouquet of flowers for dessert, who knows? I’m still wondering if those stone walls are meant to be relaxing, seeing as the entire place seems to have them, both inside and out. At least they sort of go with the staffers’ outfits, a black vest and red tie over a putty jumpsuit — a look that says “if this is actually a cult, we’ve done very little research about the proper dress code.”
Congratulations to Mary Worth on finally achieving diversity! In a non-speaking waitress role, but hey, baby steps.
@Ukulele Ike: Kent Staters can also note that the band Devo has its roots on campus, although that would mean bringing up the incident that spurred the band’s creation.
@Rube: Willing to bet on more hippies in the comics, movies and TV than in any real life location.
Beetle Bailey: “Normally, I’d just punch them in the face! But these little green guys … they LIKE it! Look at ’em! They’re smiling and lining up for more! How do I deal with that?”
Gasoline Alley: The missing panel we all wanted…
Gertie: “What do I owe you?”
Saundra: “Zilch. The loudmouth paid for it.”
G: “Well, that’s nice of him.”
S: “Eh, not so much. I just added your aspirin to his bill.”
Lockhorns: Didn’t Leroy do this with his Wii controller how many ever years ago?
Pluggers still thinking they have dignity? I’m of a certain age. This is funnier than this comic’s been in a month.
Mary Worth: Meanwhile, these two are still gabbing about the H-man — they’ve been away for two days, and they were already talking about him before they left. I know they don’t have much else in their lives, but come on! This may be the worst Bechdel Test failure we’ve ever seen, and yes, I am counting Archie‘s Betty and Veronica.
MW-“Why, Wilbur? Why do you reject my advances?”
@Vulpes it has to be worse than that, because most sedes would still use the Latin, so he must have broken off from mainstream Catholicism between Vatican II and 2011, which makes him an even more minor splinter group than the society of St Pius V.
SERIOUS theological things are happening in H&J and nobody is paying attention. This could end up being bigger than the Protestant Reformation; probably nearing the split between the East and West.
The use of “Padre” is also interesting, as none of them look Spanish; perhaps some Communion and Liberation communism is slipping in? Doctorate theses could be written!
BB: These guys look just like the aliens in the greatest SF novel ever, Fredric Brown’s Martians, Go Home.
@Rube: @Buck Ripsnort: See the Denis Kitchen-edited classic Nancy compilation, Hippies, Beatniks, and Bums.
Herb and Jamaal: I never knew what the word “The Padre” meant.
In an episode of J.A.G a man kept seeing visions of his deceased Naval Chaplain friend, who he kept referring to as The Padre, I always wondered if this was an Hispanic thing? (Despite neither characters seemed to be Hispanic)
RMMD- MuMu will see Mud at breakfast alright…and she’ll see Lonnie Loman too. Hopefully, Mud will serve Lonnie a Knuckle Mc Muffin.
FC- “Take your hat off boy when you’re talking to me and be there when Jeffy feeds the tree!”
@Rube: #39:
@Buck Ripsnort: #83:
Also willing to bet there were more leather-jacketed 1950s greasers in movies, comics, and TV than there were in real life. I’ve known a lot of people who were teenagers in the 50s and they’ve told me those Fonzie-looking guys were rare to non-existent in their high schools.
BB: So are the Walkers unaware of drill sergeants or the existence of recruit training? Because they seem to think you enter the military by walking up to the front gate of the nearest base and they train you up right there. And if this means Beetle is still a recruit then he most certainly should not be associating with Miss Buxley in his off time (which he should have very little of) as Miss Buxley would be fired on the spot for having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a work that gets so much wrong about its subject.
9CL: Just how old is this dog where it was owned by Edda in her early 20’s and is now being walked by her daughter in her early 20’s?
LUANN: Oh goody, this guy again. And someone needs to remind Luann that claiming to be an adult just makes you look immature. Actual adults don’t feel the need to pat themselves on the back for everything.
Ziggy-Wilbur then slides up to Ziggy. “Oh there are plenty of ways you can spend quality time with a goldfish,” Wilbur says.
@Guillermo el chiclero: My older brother always greased his hair and had a leather (horsehide) jacket, but he was a shy farm boy, about a million miles from the Fonzie type.
The Phantum: What she should be concerned about are all those spiders crawling up to her upper frontals. But I guess if you live in a cave you become friends with the spiders. Spiders do live in caves, don’t they?
LUANN: First not credible. At a rast food restaurant you don’t have the me to go out to lunch (at most half hour lunches in break room) nor money ( most buy weenies at half price, sneak ’em for free, maybe order out or bring from home).
Second, if open house for possible tenants, Luann not included unless she’ll also be staying there. With Phil
GA: sure wish rude people would feel guilty and reform if we’re nice to them. My experience is that they instead start to feel entitled
JP: why are April and Randy talking to Ned? ByThey don’t know Char is with her– unless there’s a double agent involved! Ooooo.
PLUGGERS: When walking into wind, put cap on backwards. That both prevents it from being stolen by wind and makes the style un-cool.
@Ukulele Ike: Rube: @Buck Ripsnort: See the Denis Kitchen-edited classic Nancy compilation, Hippies, Beatniks, and Bums.
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Isnt that a Cher song?
@UncleJeff: SPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOOOOORCE!!!!!!!!
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When Willburp completes his training it’ll be “PPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
PHANTOM: I haven’t followed THE PHANTOM for years, and today I realized it’s partly because I am genuinely grossed out by that purple spandex because I keep thinking it must smell awful. Is that outfit ever shown being washed? And/or has it been made clear that the hero of the strip has several purple outfits like that and launders them on the regular?
GA: Aaaand another week of drugstore suffering begins. At least there isn’t a talking bear.
BAJA WARNING! Avoid The Strippers Guide today!
LUANN: When I can’t find my keys, locating the keys becomes my top priority, pretty much immediately. Apparently losing keys doesn’t really matter much in the Luanniverse, yet another weird feature that I do not understand.
MT: Just to make it a little easier to pretend that this strip really is MARK TRAIL, could the catfish turn out to be an adorable baby otter named Lucky?
JP: Hey, undynamic duo, you cannot imagine what some of us readers think of you either.
@Poteet: GA: Aaaand another week of drugstore suffering begins. At least there isn’t a talking bear
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……or Chef Meowreese,or Joel, or Rufus, or Rufus’ arm cat, or Frank Nelson, or Bob, or Carol,or Ted, or Alice, or everyone else in the GA world, or Alfred.
@Activist: PLUGGERS: When walking into wind, put cap on backwards.
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Don’t tug on Super dude’s cape
Don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
Don’t mess around with Jim.
@Ken: I was modeling it on a Dick Tracy Minit Mystery no wait shit that doesn’t work either
DT: Oh, good lord. When I said how weird it was that Junior’s idea of how Mumbles might disguise himself was exactly how Mumbles had disguised himself, I was mostly kidding. I figured that actually the illustrations of Junior’s speculation weren’t meant to be taken literally, and were just a handy visual shorthand for our benefit. Nope! That’s what I get for giving an Eric Costello story the benefit of the doubt. .
FG: “We’ve finally resolved that plot point from a year ago!”
“Okay, but it’s probably got nothing to do with today’s problem, so whatever!”
MW: When was the last time we saw Tommy anyway? Was it the Tommy and Brandy storyline Josh linked to, six years ago, or was he tangentally involved in an Iris storyline after that? (I remember Iris having a moment of “Oh my god, my partner and my son are basically the same age!” but not if that was before or after this.) Anyway, the point is, it’s been a while, and I do not expect that, apart from the thing he’s sad about, there will be any indication that he hasn’t spent all that time sitting in storge waiting to get a plot again.
SH: I mean, this sounds stupid, but it’s probably less stupid than “We want to tell a story about the real merpeople to raise public awareness of them, and we’re determined it’s not just going to be The Little Mermaid with the names changed, but it will be about a mermaid arriving on land and falling in love with a human because there is literally no other story you could possibly tell about mermaids!”
SlylickFox And Comix For Kinky Kids: Think that frog gets called “Butthead”?
@TheDiva: Or possibly they’ve broken up. Possibly because Iris suddenly thought “Wait, the infantalisation play he does with his former babysitter is actually incredibly creepy even if he doesn’t see me as a substitute for her!” I realise this would involve a Mary Worth character responding to any red flag smaller than “being Wilbur” like a normal person would, but I can dream.
@Poteet: Diana might be in charge of laundering the purple spandex for Kit, to make sure he’s always spiffy and sweet-smelling. More likely, highly-educated and connected United Nations executive Diana picks them off the bedroom floor and throws them in the hamper for the colored help to launder.
LUANN: It’s nice that the people behind this comic anticipated that Luann would forget her lines and cleverly wrote her cue cards on the back of that fake flyer she’s holding.
LUANN (2) As an aside, wasn’t Phil supposed to have already had his own place? Wasn’t that the whole point of Luann being ‘negged” into taking a job she didn’t really need? So she can pretends she’s “adulting” and this will help her own place like (she thinks) her dorky boyfriend is?
@The Quiet Man: Nope. That was Bangala’s president.
The Phantom – President Goranda is in the news for being the man who bit the dog.
Mary Worth – What is Toby holding in her hand, and why did she choose that voer the delicious looking bread the waitress is carrying past them?
Herb and Jamaal – The Rev is committing the Jedi heresy. The governing body of his denomination is going to sentence him to watching proper Christian media like The Lord of the Rings (full director’s cuts), maybe Narnia films for if he needs a more blatant piece of Christian apologetics, and further offenses will be punished with the terrible Left Behind straight-to-video films.
Beetle Bailey – Space Force is pulling a joke on the Army by sending them some of the aliens the government has been hiding for 70s years, a ‘nah-nah-nah’ since the Army lost access to the cool space aliens when the Air Force split off after the 1940s. Interservice rivalries are sometimes very silly.
@Peanut Gallery: I see a translation error. You forgot to mention the celery. Can’t have a good Bloody Mary without celery.
REX MORGAN M.D.: You guys, Lorna/Mae Mae had to be all rested for her busy schedule of eating and sleeping all day (sorry, I meant “her harried 3-hour shift serving 4 whole customers.” Says a lot when Luann has a better work ethic and time balance then America’s Foremost Action Heroine!)
@TheDiva: She keeps the Apartment to store her son there under the watchful eye of Mary Worth, so that she doesn’t have to worry about him while she and Zac fuck like nutrias.
@richardf8: At least we know it’s not Art Frahm celery.
@Philip: re H&J… are we talking “terrible” like the Nicholas Cage version, or “terrible” as in the Kirk Cameron versions?
(BTW, I did enjoy the books.)
MW: Anybody want to put up a pool on Tommy’s recent troubles? I’ve got a quatloo on “Brandie died, possibly of an overdose.”
@Bryan:”Just how old is this dog where it was owned by Edda in her early 20’s and is now being walked by her daughter in her early 20’s?”
There are 12 dog years to a human year, and 10 uncannily aging LollyPolly years to 1 dog year.
@2+2=7: It’s an excuse. Lorna/Mae Mae just really does not want to have sex with Mud. Or even kiss him good night.
“Thanks for dinner oh wow SO LATE gotta go to bed right now goodnight bye.”
Phantom: I don’t think the Phantom’s wife cares about the news; she’s just trying to wean the Phantom away from his physical book-torch-candlelight-inkwell mentality. “Look, darling! Actual pictures of real people right in our livingroom!”
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: I’ll take “Brandie left him because she was creeped out that he hadn’t changed physically or emotionally in six years.”
@The Rambling Otter: #90: Father Mulcahy on MASH was often addressed as Padre. I think it’s become a generic term for all military chaplains, regardless of religious denomination. About every chaplain in a war movie I’ve ever seen is addressed as Padre.
MW: It wasn’t loneliness that drove Harv-o to be “romance-scammed,” Toby, you ditz! He was horny and gullible! And he probably still is!
Tommy, being a Senitive Guy and cranking the Counting Crows is fraught with peril! Come with us now, and play the Dave Matthews. Neutered 90s lamery can provoke joy!
Next week, grow some balls and buy a Pantera album. Or, you know, YouTube.
@Ken: That’s probably a good bet, since that would be a reused plot from the Dawn/Jarrod(?) saga.
In case anyone misinterprets my joke, Dave Matthews blows ass.
@Guillermo el chiclero: It actually gives as a definition for padre in my dictionary (Webster’s New World 5th) 2. [Informal] a priest or chaplain.
@Rube: #96: I still have my leather jacket of many zippers from when I owned a motorcycle. It’s actually a piece of safety equipment rather than a fashion statement. If you go down on a motorcycle you want something between your skin and the pavement. Sometimes I lent it out to friends who wanted to cosplay as a greaser at a 50s themed dance or party. Whenever I went to such an event I’d go as a beatnik and tell people they were the real rebels of the 50s. Those Fonzie looking guys were just a bunch of posers.
BTW: If you catch the first season episodes of “Happy Days” on one of the oldies channels you’ll notice that Fonzie wears a grey windbreaker and not a leather jacket. The network censors thought that a leather jacket equated hoodlum and Fonzie could only wear his leather jacket while on his motorcycle, under the excuse that it was a piece of safety equipment. In later episodes they eased up on the rule.
Gasoline Alley-“Besides I know where he sleeps.”
@Bryan: As an adult (pat pat), let me just say I’m in total agreement.
@Poteet: That’s because the characters are aware that something like losing their keys (or making/pretending to make life-altering decisions) won’t get any followup in this strip.
@132 Guillermo el chiclero: Did you think it was odd, a biker based in Milwaukee, rode an English bike?
@White Rabbit: Mostly for Catholics, though. One of my many favorite scenes in Catch-22 (1970)
Colonel Korn (Buck Henry): Haven’t been having any mystical vibrations lately, have you, Padre?
Chaplain Tappman (Anthony Perkins): No, sir.
Col. Korn: No ecstatic visions, Padre? Haven’t seen any burning bushes?
Chaplain Tappman: You don’t have to call me “padre,” sir. I’m an Anabaptist.
Late Thread Cuisine: Honoring of Hägar the Horrible.
@Baja Gaijin:
That looks suspiciously delicious.
@Baja Gaijin: Wait. Is that one of those Japanese creations that looks amazing but may hold some surprise for the unwary? I had wonderful times in Japan, but as a bland-mouthed gaijin, learned to be a little careful.
@Ukulele Ike:
Oh, Uke, the movie? Won’t convince me you haven’t read it.
@Baja Gaijin:
Smashed-up meats are great! So in!
@Baja Gaijin: #136: In the first few episodes Fonzie rode a Harley Sportster but the rather short-statured Henry Winkler had trouble handling it so they switched to a Triumph. The Brit bikes were becoming very popular with American riders in the 50s who liked the idea of a smaller, nimbler bike. Marlon Brando riding a Triumph Thunderbird (his own personal bike) in ” The Wild Ones” probably helped sales amongst the hooligan crowd. Buddy Holly and his band mates also rode Brit bikes. They were treated like bugs at a Harley dealership so they went across the street to the Triumph dealer. It was the growing popularity of the imports that caused Harley go bring out the smaller Sportster as a counter.
@A Grave Mind: Well, yeah, read it at 16 or 17, before I saw the movie. But the movie scenes are the ones that resonate in my memory. The “Dreedle’s WAC” scene is easy to find on YouTube. Hysterically funny.
Gen. Dreedle (Orson Welles): Who…is this man?
Col. Cathcart (Martin Balsam): Major Danby, sir!
Col. Korn (Buck Henry) That’s DANBY. D-A-N-B-Y.
Gen. Dreedle: Take him out and shoot him.
Maj. Danby (Richard Benjamin) faints
The incredible wealth of available character actors in the 1970s continues to overwhelm me. See also Murder by Death (1975).
@Ukulele Ike:
I dunno, seen in the real world, so to speak, it didn’t seem to work. And the twisted chronology is the soul of the book, could maybe be done really properly in a miniseries. Didn’t dislike it, exactly, but the movie didn’t pull it off. I don’t think.
No dispute whatsoever on the character actors.
@CanuckDownSouth:’Tis true, they could make a guy in an alien mask in a gimp suit boring.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Never noticed that.
Was that the bike that Fonz “jumped the shark” with?
@Ukulele Ike: one of my favorite pairings created by my channel surfing:
On 1 channel: Colin Powell telling a congressional panel that the U.S. had to attack Iraq because the Iraqis had ‘weapons of mass destruction.
On another: the scene in Carch 22 where Milo Minderbinder was explaining to Alan Arkin that his bomber buddies were dropping bombs on their own base because the Germans made the bombing part of a deal with Minderbinder and the generals investing in Milo’s company to buy cotton through German-controlled Egypt.
Luann – Oh how Chic, lunch at an open house ,what’s next 2 for 1 night at weenieworld.
they definitely belong together clueless and clueless.
Rex Morgan MD – she should just hit him in the head with a beer bottle and while he’s unconscious have mountain man murphy tea bag him and reverse blackmail him that it’s going on Grindr if he doesn’t pay up
Milo Minderbinder was played by Jon Voight.
Bob Newhart played Major Major Major.
@richardf8: I see. Well, if ‘Mr. Freaky’ does indeed turn out to be Schmelon Schmusk as I’m predicting he will, I’ll lay you 10-1 odds the writers forgot that little detail because it gets in the way of their ‘this time we get to win’ wishcasting.
H&L: It’s good that Hi is dead inside and incapable of feeling anything, because he is about to get very cuckolded.
@Baja Gaijin: Is it in honor of Hagar because it’s horrible?
@139 Deadly Goon Bugs: “Suspiciously delicious.” That’s gotta be a first.
@140 Poteet: The only surprise is that it’s filled with fresh strawberries.
@142 A Grave Mind: I hate to disappoint you but that’s not pâté. It’s a [translation] “cute helmet-themed cake will be available for Children’s Day on May 5th. This helmet-shaped chocolate short[cake] is filled with fresh strawberries and is a visually pleasing dish.” Not in the translation: it’s suspiciously delicious.
@154 taig: It’s in honor of Hägar because it’s a warrior’s helmet, much like Hägar’s helmet. Except in pastry form.
@Baja Gaijin: Sing along with Lucky the Leprechaun: ♪ “Frosted helmet cake / Suspiciously delicious!”
@UncleJeff: #148: Fonz “jumped the shark” on water skis. In an earlier episode he did do an Evel Knievel style jump over several cars in Arnold’s parking lot on his bike. Winkler never felt comfortable operating a motorcycle so in a lot of scenes where he pulls up to Ritchie and his buddies in a parking lot the bike is being pushed by a stagehand out of camera range.
@Baja Gaijin: Dang! I’d eat that in a red-hot minute.
@GarrisonSkunk: You make an entirely valid point. And yet, I suffer.
@Ukulele Ike: Bwahahaarrrrgh.
@GarrisonSkunk:
#107. Garrison, you’re an expert in wind. Does it bother you at all when you spray into the wind?
BB: Sarge is a Plugger