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Judge Parker, 5/27/26

The humble diner now appears to be the soap opera strips’ go-to employer for those seeking to abandon a hectic, go-go lifestyle and reconnect with good, honest work — a group that includes everyone from former movie stars disillusioned with the Hollywood grind to scammers in search of redemption. Anyway, the proprietor of this establishment was understandably somewhat hesitant to hire a literal con artist, but I predict he will quickly accede to Alan’s request so he doesn’t have to hear any more details of Parker family emotional drama.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/27/26

Not that I expect Helga to be a big expert in macroeconomics or fiscal and monetary policy, but she has only her husband and his fellow warrior/traders to blame for this! Looted silver and gold coins from England and the Carolingian Empire, along with revenue from increased trade with the Byzantine and Islamic worlds via the Russian river networks, has had a naturally inflationary effect. Sadly, Viking society isn’t advanced enough to make use of this influx of wealth by increasing productivity, so instead they’ll just face sharply rising prices for the near future.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/27/26

Look, it’s one thing for Mother Goose and Grimm to try to pass off yet another widely known street joke as a punchline in a newspaper comic — I think we’ve all come to accept that at this point. What bothers me is that it’s trying to pass off yet another widely known street joke about a retail chain that stopped operation more than three years ago. Sure, it’s true that the website formerly known as Overstock.com acquired Bed, Bath & Beyond’s intellectual property and has subsequently been wearing the deceased brand’s skin, but you know that if Mother Goose had bought that stuff via this newfangled “online shopping” process, that would’ve been the heart of the joke.

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Heathcliff, 5/26/26

When Jewish theologians began to systematize the ideas they had inherited around the spiritual beings we call “angels,” one awkward question they had to answer was where they came from and how more of them could come into existence. While the Enochian literature interpreted the “nephilim” of Genesis 6 as the offspring that resulted from angels lusting after human women, and there was a potential memory of the Holy of Holies including a depiction of cherubim locked in erotic embrace, the rabbinic tradition ultimately rejected these interpretations, seeing the “Sons of God” who sired the Nephilim as noble humans and the art of the Ark representing the union between God and His people. They concluded that angels did not reproduce amongst themselves, but were directly and individually created by God; some of the minor angelic ranks were, based on a verse in Lamentations, believed to have been created fresh by God at the beginning of each day and extinguished at the end of it, while the cherubim and important named angels like Michael and Gabriel were permanent.

But of course, we cannot know how much of this thinking applies to Heathcliff’s cherubim, though we do know that, by some mechanism, their number is increasing. Does our boy Heathcliff create them at his whim and similarly banish them to nonexistence when he tires of them? Or are they sexual entities, like their notoriously horny creator?

Beetle Bailey, 5/26/26

So I looked it up and it turns out that modern tanks take at least three soldiers to properly operate, which leaves me wondering who’s inside that stalled out tank ready to annihilate this lady at point-blank range if she refuses to go along with the Camp Swampy gang’s demands. I’m thinking Zero would be unthinking enough to follow an order to fire and Plato would be coldly rational enough to issue one in the face of necessity. Beetle is, typically, doing the least work here, but doesn’t feel great about it.

Six Chix, 5/26/26

Hey, do you think newspaper comics are for old people? Well, Six Chix is here to prove you wrong, hiring cutting-edge millennial cartoonists to draw panels about … listening to boomer hero Bruce Springsteen’s iconic 1984 album Born In The USA? Hmm. Hmm! At least she’s weeping openly listening to it rather than jamming out, that’s … that’s innovative, right?

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Hi and Lois, 5/25/26

I feel like I’m one of the last pedants holding onto this fact, but Memorial Day is not for remembering all who served; that’s Veterans Day, in November. Memorial Day is for remembering all who died while serving. Died like the food you’re shoving down your gullet, Thirsty. Like all life forms, and like the modern nation-state, we feed on death!

Luann, 5/25/26

“Hop on it! By ‘it’ I mean your wife, who also works here, whom I urge you to mount and inseminate. Remember, climate change will make our jobs harder and harder, until we lose the battle against fire and society collapses!”

Gil Thorp, 5/25/26

Hey, remember all those teen golfers we met? Well, they died. They fuckin’ died. But the important thing is that Gil’s team beat the team coached by his ex-wife, so their sacrifice was not in vain.