Go East, Perpetually 60-Year-Old Woman
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Mary Worth, 7/8/25
“God damn it,” you’ve probably said to yourself, repeatedly over the past few months, “Are we going to get a non-Weston recurring character in Mary Worth at some point, or are we trapped in some kind of No Exit-style hell with Wilbur and Dawn specifically?” Well, good news: Olive is back, everybody! Johnnys-[gender neutral]-come-lately may not remember that Olive was a little girl who lived at Charterstone, who had psychic powers and maybe talked to angels, though that could’ve all been a side effect of her “tummy brain.” She was largely neglected by her parents because they were so horny, though they did try to have her special powers removed by a doctor, but he later turned out to be a junkie, so they ended up not doing that after all. Then they moved to New York, and usually when people leave Charterstone and/or Mary’s immediate field of vision they’re dead to her, but she actually visited Olive in the Big Apple and bought her a watch, and also checked in with a guy she had previously sexually rejected in the context of high-stakes cake-baking competition, but that’s not really related to Olive so we’ll forget that for now. Anyway, Mary’s going back to New York City, baby! What psychic adventures will she and Olive get up to? Will she meet up with another former beau, possibly handsome Broadwaysman Ken Kensington, who she flirted with on a different trip to New York while Jeff was busy saving lives in Vietnam or whatever and only didn’t hook up with because New York’s traffic was simply too scary for her. I am excited, obviously! Very excited! Wilbur better not fuck this one up, somehow!
Dennis the Menace, 7/8/25
I’m not sure if Henry’s facial expression here is meant to indicate “Jesus Christ, George, what exactly are you doing with my son that’s causing a repetitive motion injury” or “Jesus Christ, George, I’m leaving at this hour of the morning specifically so I don’t have to talk to anybody, why are you talking to me about Dennis, who I very much do not want to think or talk about”
Bizarro, 7/8/25
Wait, so human skeletons are also the grim reapers for reptiles and insects? That’s not right. I object both on philosophical grounds and because seeing a drawing of a mayfly skeleton in a cloak would’ve been much funnier.
160 replies to “Go East, Perpetually 60-Year-Old Woman”
MW:
“We have plenty of room! — but tell that impassive, stick-in-the-mud supposed boyfriend of yours, Dr. Jeff, to stay put!”
Mary Worth Mashup and Luann Mashup: How do these missing final panels hitcha?
Bizarro:
The pensive gesture of the left-side wraith suggests that he’s scything things up.
Luann: Bernice, Bernice, Bernice. You live in the San Diego area. You sit on a bench at the zoo, observe the people visiting, and silently judge them. You can go to one or more of the malls, sit on a bench, observe the people visiting, and silently feel superior to them. Or you can sit at home, having your own pity party that even the fish won’t willingly attend.
S4th/DT: And here I wished the Lovejoy Painting and Ted’s childhood painting could be the same.
RMMD:
“Wanda, do you mind rustling up some irregularly-shaped egg noodle pasta to accompany this degustation?”
“Why would you want that, Cody?”
“Bob Peterson, and Bobby Vinton after him, said it best: ‘You are my spaetzle angel’ !”
DtM: Is he bending his elbow because he drinks when Dennis is around? Is he drunk now? Because that’s the only elbow bending that makes sense in this context.
So Mary didn’t even have a hand to play in finding Tall Thin Wilbur and getting him to come collect his insane sister? So why did she think she deserved a 2 week victory lap again?
MW: The return of Pimento!
But, will we get a guest appearance from Ken Kensington? Shove Shovington? John Dill? Oh, the possibilities!
Aw, who’m I kiddin’. This will just suck like every other Mary Worth story these days.
Is Willa or Monstro the more put upon goldfish? Discuss.
Bizarro : “Mayfly DUTY” and “Tortoise REAPERS” also implies it’s not just one guy, but a veritable army of skeletons with scythe ensuring proper passage to the Afterlife.
…I would rather we had gotten the mythology with the bikini-armor-clad warrior babes, but whachagonnado?
**************
Crankshaft : Both candidates are named “Lester”, huh? Is “Lester” (usually shortened to “Les”) a name that predestines you to be a terrible person in the Funkyverse?
Watch Batiuk skip over the EXISTING implications of that, and go straight to retconning that Funky Winkerbean’s real name is actually Lester**************
Dennis the Menace : nah, that expression is “Wait, since when is my neighbor Ed Crankshaft!?” and double checking.
**************
Luann : the Hatedom’s “Bernice is a parasite” attitude REALLY got to the Evansii, didn’t it?
**************
Mary Worth : Josh skipped over the part where Mary Worth met Heloise Walker from the Phantom during one of those Olive-related escapades, and the two women had a conversation about children’s potential and how parents should nurture rather than stifle it where each thought “Oh ho! If only this ordinary person knew that I’m talking about superpowers and superhero stuff!” (ESP is a superpower, and Stripey Pants’ spandexed adventures count as superhero stuff)
MW – Golly – Start spreadin’ the news!
DtM – Henry’s look says, I know fat ass lazy asshole syndrome when I see it….
Bizzaro – So…there’s a different reaper for each life form. And they sometimes get sciatica. And we don’t know WtF that stick of dynamite or whatever it is means. It bounces the quirk meter needle for sure…funny….Ida Knoe….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Astroboy: I’ll settle for Son of Son of Sam.
Bizarro: “And don’t get me started on the bear reaper. He gets to sleep in all winter.”
MW: Remember that children under the age of nineteen are verboten in Santa Royale most likely because of the Charterstone regulars. Would you want your young children around Ian, Mary, or Wilbur?
I’m just surprised Olive’s horny parents haven’t made a replacement but I guess they run on Communist China’s One Child Policy and tummy brain Olive counts as a child and a half.
DtM: The gag would obviously work a whole lot better if Henry was looking for a tennis partner and not a golf partner. But, suburban dads in comic strips must play golf. The sacred trope must be maintained even at the expense of the joke.
MW: “Video chat” is just another way of an artist saying “I’m feeling lazy today”.
GT: I like the use of color in these prom scenes.
When did someone drawing on a strip called Gasoline Alley forget what a truck’s door looks like?
Blondie is having a crossover with Dilbert.
BG&SS: Don’t worry, Jughaid–they’ve built a cell for you when you hit tweendom.
MW: Following all of Josh’s excellent links back to Mary Worth Beforetimes was awesome, because I think I was in a medically induced coma at the time and missed all that New York action. But it raises a few questions. Was Mary the angel? Are Ed and Evy Olive’s horny parents? I actually thought Ken Kensington was just Ian Cameron in disguise, but now I’m wondering if he’s the bad-hairdo father of Belle and Avery Batsfrey? Is that taxi driver still behind the wheel, hoping to take out Mary in some sort of traffic “accident”? Will Wilbur be on the plane? And what the HELL is that pink thing in the last panel of https://joshreads.com/2014/01/fly-in-the-ointment/ ??!!
Luann: We get it, Bernice, you’re boring and dependent on making Luann miserable for some empty purpose. Get a personality already and maybe get laid with some lucky deaf-mute.
MW:
It only makes sense that Apple Mary would be headed to the Big Apple.
FC: It was then that Grandma Keene realized that reports of Jeffy’s stupidity had not been exaggerated.
DTM: Are you sure it’s Dennis that messed up your elbows, Mr Wilson? Not your habit of leaning your weird jelly arms on the spikes of your neighbor’s picket fence?
MW: So Mary’s Zoom technique is to lean into the camera and focus it right on her lifted breasts? I hope we can all be as confident about our sexual bodies at her age. Although it makes me wonder what exactly she’s planning with Olive’s horny parents…
MW: I really like the dramatic pause Mary gives in that final panel. I’m imagining that she’s doing it in a Maury Povich cadence of “..you are NOT the father!”
DtM: There’s something weird about the height of that fence that makes me think that George is either sitting on a special gawking stool, or that he has the proportions of an emu.
Bizarro: Um, actually since Mayflies tend to hatch, and subsequently die, in punctuated bursts (not necessarily in May, but often around then) I’d imagine that a mayfly reaper would probably have a pretty sweat deal: have an intense couple of days in spring, have the summer off, maybe a few more in the fall, then vacation all winter. As long as you don’t mind bugs, sounds like a decent gig to me.
DtM: Or is that look meant to indicate, “Jesus, that’s a lousy pun! You came out here at this hour for *that*?”
DtM
Why is Mr Wilson openly admitting this to Hank? Although, I suppose it’s better to have a stupid creepy neighbor than a smart one…the tend to get caught much sooner.
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Willa has to live with Wilbur. Willa has to look at Wilbur every day. Willa’s entire life is basically Wilbur, other than almost getting swallowed alive by a crazy lady…who was invited in by Wilbur.
Willa wins “most put-upon” in a landslide. Er…waterslide.
It’s a rare occurrence in Charterstone where Mary and the Westons are gone at the same time. Too bad the resident count is at its lowest point with only the Camerons, the Wynters, and (former) crooked cop Hillend. All we can expect is Ian getting inappropriate with Hillend’s not-daughter, Saul soiling himself and blaming the dogs, and Toby getting so blotto that she passes out facedown in the pool.
@Astroboy: Willa has to shoulder the burden that while Wilbur likes her better than Dawn, she’s still second to Stellan. Or third, because Wilbur’s favorite person by far is and always will be himself.
On the one hand, Wilson, I’m guessing that Henry went out of his way not to invite you; on the other hand, tagging along with Henry every damn place he goes — much like Dennis does to you — might be an effective way of convincing Henry just how shitty your life is vis a vis Henry’s actual child, so I say: DO IT. Follow him to the golf course. Bring him the newspaper in the morning and read it over his shoulder. Whenever Henry goes to the hardware store, or the butcher shop, or the proctologist, I want you skateboarding behind his car like Marty McFly. Live your life to the Henryest, and let Martha deal with the little bastard for awhile.
PSYCHED for some John Dill!
DtM: Henry is resigned to forking over so George won’t blow the whistle on his escape. You can’t win with old people; they get up EARLY.
Wow, Mary sure positions herself and the camera so she appears like she’s looking down at whomever she’s talking to.
Dr. Jeff wanders out in bathrobe. “Who the hell are Evy and Ed?”
FC: Look at the way HTT Grandma can still jut. Back in the day she must have been the hit of Woodstock, dancing naked after dropping acid. I bet she must have let Hendrix, Guthrie et al., as well as the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir pull a train on her.
Mary Worth: spacebarsandshiftkeysareforlittlepeopleandtheir’typing’.
Also Mary Worth: As heavily militarized ICE agents fan out across southern California, Mary is slipping out of town for New York. Interesting.
@Charterstoned: I *think* the pink thing is the knit scarf seen draped on the headboard in the middle row’s first panel. It must have had some significance with the Cake Guy (did he give it to her?).
DT: Did the police actually find something showing the great-whatever-uncle’s face so that they know he was a lookalike?
JP: I genuinely like the barista’s changing expression here – yup, that’s a real reaction to being told stuff like that.
RMMD:
“I take it then, Wanda, that ‘Nick’ was short for ‘Nicholas’?”
“No, no. His birth name was ‘Nickeloplasmin’ — his mom and dad decided to name him after a protein laden with the metal bearing the atomic weight of 28 that is found in human sera!”
Bizarro: Are you kidding me?! Mayfly duty is the easiest duty a grim reaper could have! You show up at a riverbank and proclaim, much like the final bit of the Who’s A Quick One While He’s Away “You’re all forgiven!” Except for, you know, “dead” rather than “forgiven.”
Dustin: Really, Ed? Someone broke a backboard at a gym in your pasty, white, middle-aged world? I think we’ve learned what kind of cases Ed’s law firm assigns him. Notice he didn’t clarify whether the case was a slam dunk win for him or for his opponent.
Frazz: You know, Frazz, you injured yourself falling off a unicycle, not running an ultramarathon.
Luann: You know, Bernice, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you open a book.
Pluggers are disgusting.
CS: A “lesser of two evils” joke in May of an odd-numbered year? Seriously? We’re about as far from election season as it’s possible to be.
And also Bizarro: Given the original context of the Grim Reaper (reminders of death after the Black Death), I’m sure the artists responsible for his creation would have been all in favor of him taking out as many bugs as possible. (They might have preferred fleas to mayflies.)
In Terry Pratchett’s Discworld stories, a human-ish Death takes care of, so to speak, all creatures except for rats. There’s a separate Death of Rats, aka The Grim Squeaker.
Bizarro:
“Okay, a little off-topic, Skeletor, but since we don’t have any flesh or blood to keep warm to begin with, why in the world are we even bothering to wear cowls?”
MW — Plenty of room? In NYC (and I’m assuming we’re talking about Manhattan–Mary wouldn’t even think of spending time in the outer boroughs)? Has someone’s tummy brain been making stock picks?
MW: Good news: We’re going to follow Mary, so no more Weston drama. Bad news: Olive is secretly a Weston. It’s a real Rise of Skywalker situation here.
MW: Mary Worth 2: Mary Takes Manhattan.
I’m all a-flutter
Apparently the long toe bones in Bizarro are anatomically correct! Our own toes are shorter than that because they are covered by flesh and stuff. But inside your feet there are long finger-like toe bones waiting to escape! Enjoy!
DtM: Mr. Wilson has been standing out for an hour so he is certain he can deliver this bit of passive aggression.
Biz: I thought at first this was a joke about peppers.
It’s a shame this Mary Worth storyline didn’t start earlier, because a month ago they could have timed it to crossover with Crankshaft’s visit to NYC!
…Yeah, I know, Mary Worth and Crankshaft teaming up is a nightmare scenario, but I was thinking it going the other direction, where Olive uses her psionics to explode Ed Crankshaft’s head like at the beginning of Scanners.
“Hey, fuck you, Mayfly Reaper; my work is almost done, the tortoise is nearly extinct, and I get to retire soon. Good luck killing off those r-strategists you have to deal with.”
MW-Mary will be the crazy houseguest in this story.
FC-“Leave the pitcher, Granny. I’ve had a rough day.”
MW-“I’ve been wanting to try out this recipe for Drano muffins. Ed, how close are you to your wife?”
9CL: A young man (18-21?) who looks like a middle aged man and dresses like an old man listens to his teenage lover’s (or wife’s) “tummy”? I’m pretty sure the “joke” is this whole strip — the joke is on us…
SF: The Mystery Writers of America in association with the British Crime Writers Association sent a strongly-worded “cease and desist” letter calling for an immediate abort on the “Ted Forth Cozy Mystery.” The syndicate panicked and is substituting some stale old Hilary strips.
Tummy Brain Summer! It’s about damn time. Wouldn’t it be fun if, while in New York, Mary met Dawn’s mother? It would! Which is why it either won’t happen, or will happen completely off panel, then narrated.
Dennis the Menace-“Henry, maybe you should start beating your son for a change instead of me doing it all the time.”
Oh my god. Mary’s never-ending meddling keeps her away from 24 hour news channels, talk radio, and social media. Nobody has told her that New York is a burning hellscape ravaged by the combined evil of the street gangs from The Warriors and Escape from New York so she’s not collapsing into a quivering jelly of fear at the very thought of visiting there. Good for her. I hope seeing a baseball-themed street gang with painted faces doesn’t scare her off from going back again.
Dennis the Menace: “Dennis elbow?” That means nothing, and even George Wilson knows it!
Oh, it means Dennis attacked him in his sleep with a ball peen hammer? Not really the kid’s usual MO, but I stand corrected.
@Tabby Lavalamp: I would never snark on this strip again if we got a scene with Olive saying, “Ma-a-w-y, come out and play-ay!”
@Ukranazi Stepan: #8: It’s in her contract.
It’s a well known scientific fact that, thanks to their notably long maximum lifespan, tortoises only die from 9-5 on weekdays.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Someone once told a story, it was about this person’s mother, back in the day who was a nurse in a hospital (or maybe an orderly in a retirement home, can’t exactly remember)
One of the elderly patients said “There’s a man here who wants me to come with him”
The nurse sort of in a humoring fashion said “Tell him to come back at 3:30 that’s when I’m on my break”
The man passed away around 3:35.
The most interesting thing about this, is that the nurse literally told Death to eff off, and he complied!
(Assuming that the story is even true, still interesting though)
Bizarro – On the plus side, though, mayflies suck at chess.
FG: But where’s Zarkov, you guys forget about him?
Don Abundio, translated:
“Whatcha doin’, Abundio?”
“I love coming to a park like this and carving my name on the trees”
“Isn’t that against the rules?”
“Yes… So I have to be stealthy!”
“But at least the birds and squirrels will know I was here”
FC: Grandma, this lemonade tastes like Drano. Aaauuugh! Thud!
@Dmsilev: That was the first place my mind went, with the attendant thought that this must take place during Reaper Man when Death was temporarily fired and a bunch of minor species-specific Deaths emerged to take his place.
@The Rambling Otter: There’s also the apparently true story about a cat who visits the hospice patient that’s going to die next.
MW – I’m picturing Evy and Ed’s view of Mary’s face, up-nostril shot and all, and it’s not pretty.
Mary Worth – Too bad Crankshaft already left New York, but maybe if The Family Circus is dusting off the old art from a trip in the 1970s they can have Mary make a cameo in the background, or have one of the little melonheads spout a malapropism to her.
Dennis the Menace – Henry knows that Mr. Wilson has been hanging out with Ed Crankshaft at the “Old Men in Comics Mixer”. Mr. Wilson is looking to up his game by being a more assertive pun-giver, not a merely reactionary one, and Henry thinks it will upset the tried-and-true formula they’ve used for decades.
Bizarro – Now this comic makes me think The Seventh Seal was originally supposed to feature an actual seal playing chess against Death to extend his life, but early cuts of the film showing Death wielding a club was too upsetting to audiences, so Max von Sydow was cast in the lead role instead.
DtM: I dunno, if my neighbor came to me and openly admitted he’d been beating my child so much that he’d injured his arm, my reaction would not be one of bemused annoyance. (Then again, neither of my kids are Dennis, so.)
MW: Taking bets now: has Olive grown into a surly adolescent (there being no other kind of adolescents in the Worthiverse) or is she, like the Mary Worth regulars, trapped in eternal developmental stasis?
MW: Now that the door has been opened to taller, thinner doppelgangers, I’m sure I’m not alone in hoping that Mary will meet Sexy Aldo Kelrast in New York.
DtM: “Look, George, we’ve gone over this. I’m not going to sponsor you for membership at my country club. It has a strict dress code: horizontal corduroy pants, blue denim golf bag, and a yellow ball cap.”
@Banana Jr. 6000: Oscar the Death Cat was definitely real, although his habit of cuddling up to patients about to shuffle off the mortal coil has never been sufficiently explained (hypotheses range from mere coincidence to picking up on chemical odors to just wanting to be next to someone who was very still and quiet). Oscar himself passed away in 2022, hopefully without suffering the embarrassment of knowing his story inspired Lucy McKenzie’s death arc in Crankshaft.
Brigman is leaving money on the table if she doesn’t have a Rule 34 Mary Worth Patreon account where we can see the three-way between Mary and the notoriously horny Ed and Evy. Unlike when Giella was drawing the strip, Ed and Evy would actually look human!
MW: Mary begins to pack for her trip to New York.
“Hmmm. I’ll wear what I have on now for the plane ride. However, it might get chilly in the city, even though it’s July,” she muses, adding a purple cowl-neck long-sleeve top to her empty suitcase.
“That should do it!”
“Golf? Oh, yes, the ‘sport’ with the clubs and grass and holes. No, George, as you can clearly see I’m off to my true passion, the local sock puppet playhouse. We’re doing Kafka’s The Trial and I get to play the members of the court, dressed in their black finery, so similar to a hangman’s cap. Shall I comp ticket for you and Martha?”
@Victor Von:
“I guess I’ll just have to stay home, Henry, and read some Alfred, Lord Dennison for my entertainment!”
FC: HTTG is mentally preparing a scathing rebuke about Thel’s mentally deficient son.
Dustin: Tomorrow’s strip starts with, “See, ‘slam dunk’ is a basketball term, so it’s really funny to refer to it… “
Don’t kid yourself, Josh. Wilbur is going to show up in New York somehow and we all know it.
GT: Fer chrissake. Just swap dates already.
@Voshkod:
I’m in academia, so I use the ensuing term sparingly, but…this comment is pure genius.
Luann: I guess when your baseline is Luann, taking two whole 16-credit semesters would seem like a lot, and your fancily named freshman Sociology class would seem like a tough class.
CS: “Ha ha, Crankshaft! Very funny! Say… remember that time I lost in my campaign because you didn’t vote. Soooo funny.”
9CL: It’s so cute when Brooke infantalizes his male characters. “Cute” means vomit-inducing, right?
@Baja Gaijin: The goldfish is undoubtedly the second best (and smartest) character in the strip.
C’shaft; Sometimes you have to admire the effort it takes to reverse-engineer a pun. This is not one of those times.
DT: Really? The dude has been manipulating time and space to benefit himself and his family, causing heaven only knows what disruption to reality as you know it, and your assessment is he’s “an unpleasant fellow”?
Dustin: How awful of a father is Dustdad? He even fails at dad jokes.
GT: They’re doing some sort of weird zombie-frug on one end of the dance floor, and slow dancing on the other? Is this a silent disco and they just forgot to draw the headphones?
Luann: So in one of Roger Ebert’s bad movie review compilations, there’s an installment that includes a story where he’s talking to a college student who is taking philosophy classes. All of his friends are focusing on their business major tracks, but he’s just pursuing the subject because he finds it interesting. Ebert praised him for exploring subjects even when they don’t have professional utility, as it will give him life and knowledge outside of his career and he doesn’t want to end up being a bore to himself.
Don’t know why I thought of that just now.
MT: I saw Neon Beige open for Pearl Jam at Red Rocks…
Phantom: Some couples toast with champagne; Mr. and Mrs. Phantom gave their guests Bandar Memory Juice.
Pluggers are disgusting in so many ways.
“Dennis Elbow” is when you repeatedly shake your fist at the uncaring heavens, demanding answers from the Almightly as to why he/she has cursed you with a demonic hellbeast in denim overalls.
@TheDiva: That was in 2009, so yes, Oscar spent most of his life knowing that Tom Batiuk sullied his good name. But as with most real-world people who find themselves shamelessly inserted into the Funkyverse, Oscar had the good taste to ignore it.
I think the therapy cat story also turned up in some TV medical dramas, like House.
I want to see Brigman draw a Mary-packing-her-suitcase panel that includes a subtle hint that she expects to need revealing lingerie during the trip. ”So you want to see her also packing a sex toy, huh, Tonio?” Give me a break, I’m not that perverted.
@Charterstoned: @CanuckDownSouth:
The wrinkly misshapen pink thing is indeed a scarf, purchased by a besotted KenKen for his belle Mary on one of their spur of the moment jaunts through the Big Apple.
RMMD: Cory’s taste for heavy, unhealthy diner food is another clue to his unfortunate patrimony. If he was staying in character he’d have ordered the avocado toast.
Mary Worth: Is a sudden invitation to visit New York in late July or early August really something to look forward to? “Enjoy the 95-degree temperatures and million-percent humidity, Mary! There’s plenty of food in the fridge and angel-tracking supplies in the closet for you and Olive… we’ll be in the Hamptons till next Tuesday, or longer if we get any good orgy invitations!”
Wasn’t there also a Mary Worth/Phantom crossover set …in New York?
Gods help us all if she ever visits Dick Tracy’s neo-Chicago.
@Bob Tice: #38
“…Dad never spoke of his little brother Nickelodeon…it seems he was abducted by a traveling troupe of vaudevillians soon after he was born and never seen again. Except in those 5 cent peep shows on the boardwalk.”
@Baja Gaijin:
“How pitiful. I feel sorry for that girl and that her life ended up so sad and pathetic.” –Wilbur Weston
@Daisy: But—isn’t it pointing UP? Do the laws of physics cease to exist in Mary’s close proximity?
I hope we get to see Mary make droll comments about features of New York City that Karen Moy detests.
Wait, Mary Worth is only 60? Is that canon? Am I a Plugger because I’m older than her?
@Daisy:
Didn’t Teresa Brewer sing a song about Wanda’s dad’s little brother? Or was she presciently singing about the TV channel?…I get my chronology so confused these days.
@Charterstoned: #93
It certainly appears to be ready to launch. Perhaps Mary has her hand under it, lovingly caressing the polyester fibers and fondling the small “Made in China” label on the inner crease. You can bet the farm that Jeff never gave her *anything* comparable to *that.*
@Daisy: When first saw it, I thought: alien fungus. I think I’m closer to the truth. Just sayin’.
I was just in Manhattan for work for a couple of days, and marveled at how pleasant it now is to walk around there thanks to the new congestion pricing. Traffic is way down, honking and fumes have plunged along with it, outdoor dining patios are usable again…in other words, since traffic was the only thing keeping Mary from simply never returning to Charterstone, Dr. Jeff had better make sure she never gets on that plane.
Pluggers: Pluggers are cheap # 3852 because they’re also poor # 3794.
Pluggers: What, Andy’s worn those britches five days straight? Ew. Pluggers have abominable personal hygiene # 1925.
@Needless Exposition: Um…hello? Did you not get the big hint? Olive’s parents are awful negligent monsters because they…copulate…for reasons other than procreation!!! (gasp!) “Imagine, having intimate relations for pleasure“, Mary says, her disgust palpable with every word. “Like degenerate whores!”
Greg and Karen Evans: “Exactly! I agree completely! Sex and relationships are just something good girls giggle at with giddy pre-pubescent revulsion, not something fully developed adults do or anything. (we’re just getting a jump on @Needless Exposition’s other inquiry here.”)
love is… waiting for Mom to be resurrected as a zombie and join the rest of the family.
Phantom: For somebody who goes through great lengths to keep up that whole immortal ghost facade he’s sure invited a lot of people to the Skullcave. I hope Guran’s whipped up an extra large batch of amnesia powder.
@Ukulele Ike:
I wish the Forth mystery would be a R Austin Freeman style inverted mystery. We see the crime and perp but then follow how the tracks are covered and how investgators are stymied.
MW: A new york city trip courtesy of the I heart NY tourist campaign. MW sees how the tourism euros flowed from the Norwegian board to Judge Parker and wants in on that. The campaign is as always on the theme “if you have money, a visit to NY City is great!”
DT: We know a Lovejoy had disappeared in the past and never was found, so maybe they tumbled into prehistoric times? Or the distant future or some other dimension or planet like Mongo?
Lockhorns: That’s the spirit, Loretta! Right on his nipples!
CS: If you’re having to torture the dialogue to set up the joke, it won’t be funny.
RWO: She thinks she’s joking, but I’ve gotten messages from my phone telling me that it hasn’t heard from my oven in some time.
GA: These people are all morons.
@Charterstoned: #98
I can definitely see that, now that you’ve mentioned it. It’s getting ready to release its spores and infect the carbon-based life form next to it. This could explain a lot of what goes on in this strip.
LUANN: Girl, this is not The Office. Shut up!
LUANN (2): “You probably wonder ‘why doesn’t she have a job, like everyone else who also takes college courses, like supposed ‘bad girl’ Tiffany, for example?”
@treetown: If you wanted to be less obscure for our buddies here, you could call it a Columbo-style inverted mystery. That pop culture reference is only 50 years old, so more in our wheelhouse than the 100-plus one.
@BigTed: We had two sets of houseguests over the past two weekends, who were able to enjoy two consecutive heat waves with heat indexes near 100 degrees, plus the accompanying steam-bath humidity. “Do you realize it’s NICE where you live? Why the fuck are you HERE?”
Helpful tip: If you’re visiting NYC, do it in April/May or Sept/October. There’s a damn good reason Vernon Duke wrote “Autumn in New York” in 1934 instead of “February Freezing Drizzle in New York and You Step Into Icy Puddles Up to Your Ankles.”
Crankshaft: Har, har! Today we get TWO priceless malaprops in one three-panel strip, divided by one panel of extremely awkward exposition!
“Do you mean our town’s Mayor, Lester Kane, who grew up on South Elm Street and married his childhood sweetheart, Bertha Kowzknofski, who now bags the groceries at our town’s supermarket?”
“Yeah, him.”
@Ukulele Ike: Or, the most recent example, Poker Face (which, admittedly, borrows heavily from Columbo).
@Bob Tice: #96
Hmmm…she *did* sing a song titled “I Love Mickey,” about baseball star Mickey Mantle…not sure about any songs about “Nick” or “Nicky”…
RMMD: Hey, the chicken fried steak actually looks like chicken fried steak and the biscuits and gravy actually looks like biscuits and gravy. Maybe Terry Beatty can give June Brigman some lessons on how to draw food that looks like food.
GT: With all those flashing lights and psychedelic colors those poor kids aren’t dancing, their having seizures.
DtM: “I also have Alice inner thigh, but that’s nothing you need to worry about.”
MW: Oh man, the Tee-Hee Taylors are coming back. This is epic! The important thing here is that whether they’re screwing like rabbits or not, their last name is “Taylor”, not “Weston.”
MARY WORTH: Let me just point out that this upcoming trip means that Mary is now abandoning the “Ask Wendy” that Wilbur already abandoned (as is planning to immediately abandon again). Imagine the tens of newspaper readers that are going to be so upset with this latest development. (As an aside, I’m usually against the soulless hedge funds who purchase these media venues and their ruthless slashing of journalism budgets in the name of profit, but whatever penny-pincher is in charge of the finances of Wilbur’s syndicate could save his corporate overlords a lot of money by reexamining their benefits package and questioning whether columnists really need 11 months of vacation time a year.)
@Guillermo el Chiclero: Only if June give out some pointers on how people in this century are wearing their hair now.
@Bob Tice: Thank you kindly, Doctor.
C-Shaft: If random Stephen King characters are getting into Centerville politics I think the real event will be when Randall Flagg kicks off his campaign.
DT: Thank God the younger Icarus Lovejoy dodged the bullet on the whole identity theft thing, right? Now, assuming he’s still alive, he’s been yanked into some strange time in the past or future, where he knows no one, so all’s well that ends well.
Dustin: If Dustdad’s lawyer jokes are just rejects from the dad joke bin I’m amazed Dustmom still asks about his cases.
HtH: Dr. Zook keeping a smiling planarian shaped like a dollar sign must be a “subtle” commentary on the medical profession.
H-Cliff: “Why did Heathcliff volunteer to disguise himself as something dogs urinate on?” one might ask. I’m certainly not going to answer it, because there might be an answer.
JP: If April wanted to cheat on Randy she wouldn’t have to cross an ocean to do it. On the other hand, she’d probably cop to adultery before she consented to be called a friend of Sophie’s.
MT: Two consecutive days have Violet saying either “blimey” or “mum”, so I guess Jules is outing her as British. And now she has to wrestle with strange American concepts like “neon beige.”
Phantom: The Walkers were married by two presidents, so that one could carry on with the ceremony when the other cracked up at what the groom was wearing.
@Voshkod:
Well, JURIS Doctor, anyway. :-)
@The Rambling Otter: I’ve heard of such things before. It’s not uncommon for people to see a relative or a mysterious figure like this shortly before they die. It really gets creepy when you have several people who see the same person before they go. But as any nurse will tell you, you can’t say no to an RN. They run the show.
@Bob Tice: Hey, as a fellow Juris Doctor, it’s certainly time for us to claim the title.
Phantom: Little did Diana know at the time of the wedding that under Bandar law Guran and Babudan get droit de seigneur privileges.
Luann-And I’m still wondering why Bernice doesn’t have a job and not about the classes she’s taken.
Mary Worth – The links to past stories were a wonderful trip down Memory Lane – John Dill brought back memories of the cake competition, with the unbearable suspense of moving the cake (the most important and difficult part of a baking competition).
The strip with Olive and the angel is appropriate for the current story and could be rerun now. The last panel looks like an Annunciation – the angel is whispering to Olive: “I bring you tidings of great joy – no, scratch that. That meddling old bat is coming to visit. Buckle up for four months of dumbassery.”
FC – “This isn’t your harlot mother’s special juice. You can’t drink the whole pitcher like she does.”
9CL – Olive has a tummy brain. Lolly has a tummy twat.
Frazz – On a smug scale, this is around a 9.0.
REX MORGAN M.D.: I love that Quasi-stepson has already inquired more about Wanda’s life and history than her “devoted” fiance ever has (if it’s not the answer to “when’s dinner ready?”, Truck ain’t interested.)
@CanuckDownSouth: @Daisy: Thanks so much for clarifying that the pink object is the scarf Ken Kensington gave Mary. I had no idea what it was.
@Philip: Re Mary Worth – Mary could help the melonheads shop for New York City pennants to add to their pennant collection.
@Guillermo el Chiclero: Pluggers have no clue how bad Pluggers makes them look.
@Dr. Voshkod:
Absolutely!
@I speak Jive: “Tummy twat” is what I’ll associate with Lolly forever more.
@Tom T.: Lockhorns: I was thinking attaching them to his scrotum. Right Scratchy?
@TheDiva: Olive is probably Madi by now.
@2+2=7: Yes, how could I forget about how Mary is such a prude that she refuses any sort of procreation among the people she knows. It would explain why Ian and Toby don’t have children but then again, Toby’s got the mentality of a child and Ian is likely in the Depends club with Mary so that’s the diapers angle taken care of. Plus with Ian’s preferences, he should not be around young women.
LUANN: I dodn’t know why you all are so worried. This little out-loud (um…to who?) monologue/rant does show that Luann doesn’t actually need to be in the room for Bernice to be condescending to her “best friend.” And y’all thought the summer break meant she would be getting rusty.
One thing I also love is that this confirms that The Evans (or I’m sorry, I meant “Bernice”…wink wink) did intend Luann’s community college classes to be glorified preschool all along.
@Peanut Gallery: Madi is the only human character in Mary Worth who actually has anything close to sympathy for and of course she’s treated like a brat. After all, you shouldn’t be missing your dead, color loving Gram who raised you ever since your mother died. And why aren’t you grateful for being able to spend the whole summer with a wrinkled old gnome who has an inappropriate relationship with his dog who gets treated better than you?
Seriously, that’s the arc that made me dislike Old Man Gnome because we’re supposed to sympathize with him being inconvenienced. Greta’s still cool, though, by virtue of being an animal.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: re: DT: As long as there are Biscuit Factories in the world, and Biscuit Trucks to load, Icarus Lovejoy will wind up on his feet again.
@Guillermo el Chiclero: Sorry, Diana. According to Bandar culture and the code of Little People the world over, Guran and Babudan get to both take you on at once. Courtesy would impel you to invite the President to join in, also — why else did the good Lord give you three holes?
When Mary goes to New York will she need to arrange a ghost-writer-for-a-ghost-writer for Ask Wendy? And at some point does the newspaper editor get concerned that all their correspondence with their columnist comes back as “re:fw:fw:”?
Special feature in the next few weeks of “Ask Wendy”: It’s our guest expert, “Ask Tummy Brain”!
MW-“Very very much.” “Mary, please keep both hands on the table where we can see them.”
DT: “Sam joked Mr Lovejoy’s lookalike was ghost. So much speculative exposition to cram into next few days, no room for unnecessary words. Have to talk like telegram or stereotyped Native American in old movie.”
JP: Okay, there’s Sophie’s arm, Morton Harkitt’s expression, maybe Sophie’s expression and…the credits box? Nope, this Six Differences has me stumped. I can’t even find six differences from the last panel in yesterday’s strip!
It’s cute that after all her experiences with the Driver-Spencers, Reena’s first thought is that this is a normal soap plot like infidelity. Sorry, Reena, it’s going to be more murders! It’s always more murders, especially when April’s around!
Phantom: Today in “How the hell does this secret identity even work?” I have just learned that Diana is officially married to the Phantom persona and not the Mr Walker one.
Is the guy in the top hat Stripey’s old friend Mandrake? Because unless it’s part of your Official Magician Outfit and you need it to pull rabbits from, I’m pretty sure wearing a topper to a wedding when the groom’s in a purple onesie is the same sort of faux pas as wearing a fancier dress than the bride.
Pluggers: Anywhere a Plugger goes is a superspreader event.
@Ukulele Ike: I lived in NYC as an underpaid postgraduate — and the best part of summer was seeing how the city became miraculously less crowded when everyone who could afford to left town.
@I speak Jive: #126
You’re very welcome. Although there is a theory being kicked around that it is actually an alien fungus that’s ready to spew its deadly spores all over Mary, with hilarious results.
@TheDiva: If I recall correctly, the ones we saw actually included the Death of Tortoises (a hovering empty shell) and the Death of Mayflies (a bone white trout, maybe?)
@2+2=7: What’s always fascinated me about Olive’s parents is that yes, Mary and the narrative clearly consider them to be awful, neglectful monsters because they have sex and don’t believe in their daughter’s tummy brain, but Mary is fundementally incapable of actually cricitising a nuclear family, so the most “tell, don’t show” strip out there can’t have her say so. Instead we got stuff like Olive saying she identifies with the title character of Matilda. For reasons. Maybe psychic-power-related reasons, maybe not.
(Then again, I’m not sure how familiar Moy is with the plot of Matilda, since I can’t imagine Mary endorsing the philosophy that “sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty”.)
@Bob Tice: Charterstoned Secundus just received his J.D. Woot woot!
@Horace Broon: re: DT: I’m hoping this was not an error and Curtis is planning to bring back Ghost Pepper, the cook/restauranteur who poisoned the crossover character I don’t remember with blowfish venom. I LIKED ol’ Ghost, especially when he dragged Tracy down a frozen mountain road chained to his car bumper. Unfortunately, Ghost was eaten by a jellyfish.
Mutts Spanish to English.
Pluggers – Two thoughts: first, tissues should be used only once. Even if they’re not completely saturated with whatever bodily fluids, it’s unsanitary to keep them around and reuse them. That’s especially true if they’re being used because of a respiratory illness.
Second: I hope Mrs. Plugger checks the pockets before she does laundry. More than once I’ve had to pick through shredded Kleenex when I take shorts out of the dryer.
@Needless Exposition: It was even worse. Mary told Madi that Saul’s dog had things worse than Madi. Sure. The death of Madi’s grandmother is comparable to a dog being homeless.
That story was infuriating on several levels.
love is... knowing that flip graves are making a comeback.
@Daisy: Mary Worth is going to be a character on Captain Scarlet?
@paulrvalentine: Mary will leave Ask Wendy in Ian’s capable hands, which will go fine as long as most of the questions are about May/December marriages, mustache-free grooming, and golfing in Scotland.
@Ukulele Ike: I’m glad of that reassurance.
Aunty Acid: How do you keep wine from leaking out your yoga pants? Panty liners!
JOSH’S TITLE: After 20 min. of consideration of the comma, I still don’t know if he wants Mary to go east perpetually, or that she will always be a 60 year young woman.
LU: Cant believe Bern would try a break without makeup ng a schedule, an outline in three colors. True, a rough outline is good for all of us
FBoFW: so THAT’S why Gord nearly works himself to death– he’s using money borrowed from the only man who has “fathered” him. Talk about pressure!
BF: right, Susan, it’s not even a job. You’re basically on retainer. Savreen will pull strings so they either let you go or give you a workplace.
CURTIS: So, is granny Pearl tragically depressed, paralyzed, or tragically snubbing Curtis? Bet he reads one of his African tales to her, and she perks up.
@Charterstoned: Good luck to him, her, or them.
@Voshkod, Esq.: He’s in good shape! Thanks!
I did not expect that “Pearls Before Swine” would be the comic commemorating the 20th anniversary of the Eli Roth movie “Hostel” that kicked off the extreme torture porn craze.
@I speak Jive: It’s why I’m relieved that Mary Worth rarely has stories involving children because Moy clearly has a limited understanding about children. She thinks that Tummy Brain Olive is cute and precocious but is more delusional and naive to the point of creepy. And that Madi is supposed to be an ungrateful brat but instead she’s a grieving child whose problems are constantly downplayed. Even adult children like Dawn and Sonia are played out as people we’re supposed to relate to but are unsympathetic brats, especially Sonia.
Luann: Spotlights the common belief that getting a PhD just involves taking more and more and harder classes. And you do have to take some, but the point is to demonstrate that you can do original scholarly work. And anyone can tell that Bernice better forget about that right now. I knew a guy in grad school who took 13 years to get a PhD, and they finally just gave him the degree because they couldn’t stand to see him slowly aging into decrepitude, and he wouldn’t go away without it. That’s where Bernice will wind up, and in comic strip time, it could be a century.
My Mom bought a creepy doll at Goodwill “Isn’t she pretty?”
(Spoiler: All dolls are creepy.)
And my mind has been on evil dolls from media ever since.
And I started to appreciate how good The Twilight Zone truly was.
I mean, with Chucky he was a guy whose soul was transferred into a doll through voodoo magic.
But Talky Tina, I don’t think she ever got any sort of backstory or explanation as to WHAT she is. She was just there because.
That’s just what made Twilight Zone all the more scarier.
DT: They should put the painting in an industrial grade refrigerated meat locker. If Old Lovejoy decides to pop out he’ll end up like Little Face Finney.
@Daisy:
#87. Daisy, so good to see you here today. I want to thank you for getting the word to June and Karen about my 70th birthday. The day at the beach and spa were unforgettable — would you believe that was my first pedicure? They so carefully shaved off my 1.5 lb. calluses, so afterwards I felt I was walking on air!
I’m so sorry that a kid threw a rock through the windshield of the limo when you came to pick me up, I should have recommend a 1962 Dodge Dart as I live in a rough neighborhood . Please send me the bill.
Thanks again for arranging this lovely day.